Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed
To Look Again – Conversations
Piper sat on the cold, wet ground wrapped tightly in Dan's jacket, and his arms. After about ten minutes he helped Piper to her feet, she stood silently, her tears had subsided but she was still sniffling, for the first time that night she noticed how cold she was and pulled the jacket round her, trying to lock in any heat left n her. Slowly Dan started walking away from the pier and walked her with him, she looked up at him and noticed that he too was soaking and shaking,
"Thank you," she said quietly, Dan took this small opportunity to start a conversation,
"For what?" he asked,
"For stopping me… for saving my life," she said, they continued walking and Dan tried to get Piper to talk at every opportune moment,
"Piper, I know that I barely know you… but you need someone to talk too, you can't deal with this all alone, and you don't have too… talk to me," he said, putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close to him to try and warm her up,
"You know what I was thinking when I was up there…" She said, completely ignoring what Dan had said as if she hadn't even heard him,
"I've got an idea…" he replied,
"I was thinking about the first time Prue took me to the pier… I was eight years old and she was ten, Grams was holding Phoebe in the car and Prue had walked me out to the end… we wanted to see if we could spot any fish. I was getting to close to the edge, and she pulled me back, being a rather stubborn child I protested… she told me that even though the water looked warm it wasn't… she told me it was freezing and if I fell in I wouldn't be able to get back out. She told me that the water was so cold that my body would go into shock and that I would be able to swim, and that I'd just sink to the bottom… and I remember asking her," she paused for a second, "I remember asking if she would jump in after me, I asked if she would save me… and she said 'always' she said that she would never let anyone hurt me and that I would always be safe with her… and I was…" she stopped,
"Go on," said Dan, he didn't want to interrupt her but wanted her to know that he was listening,
"Then tonight, I remember thinking that my body wouldn't go into shock from the cold, because I wouldn't let it… I didn't want to have given up involuntarily… I wanted to give up and I wanted me to do it. I wanted to let myself sink to the bottom, not because I couldn't swim, but because I wouldn't… and even when my foot was over the edge I still wondered if Prue would come and save me, if she would still swim in after me and pull me back out of the water… but she won't, she never will." Piper stopped for a few moments and then continued, "You know I wasn't actually trying to kill myself… not really, it was all just a way of stopping what I was feeling… it was like in order to stop what I was feeling I had to die… I didn't want to die but I just accepted that that was the consequence of being happy… death was the only way I could be happy, and I didn't care. I didn't even think about what my death would have done to Grams or Phoebe… and it never entered my head that it would probably push Prue over the edge… I didn't care… I just wanted all this pain, all this hurt to stop. And if I had to die for that to happen then I would and I would embrace this change…"
"You must know now that you can't leave everyone behind… you're too special to be dead," he said,
"But I am… dead I mean, I died inside a long time ago… back when all this started I felt myself dying as Prue got worse, there was nothing left inside me anymore… my body still worked and I carried on everyday life but inside there was nothing… just this black abyss, something that I couldn't escape… my organs still worked and my heart pumped blood, my lungs breathed, my bones moved but there was no soul… nothing that could pull me away from this feeling… I was empty and I was dead… but no one noticed… no one could see how I felt, and no one care to take the time to find out, I was invisible to everyone… and I was dead."
"I noticed," said Dan, "That day we met, when you bumped into me… you were going rather fast but not fast enough that you couldn't have seen me, you acted like you weren't even there, like you were invisible and you headed straight for me… I thought you would move which is why I didn't but you didn't either and we collided… but I noticed you, and I noticed all the pain you felt, it showed in every fibre of your being… and I wanted to help you. And I still do,"
"I wish that you didn't have to deal with any of this… its not your fault that I can't deal," sighed Piper,
"I can't believe you think you can't deal… Piper, you're a strong person, you're brave and you fight against everything…I hardly know you and I've figured this out, you're strong and you fight and you don't give in very easily,"
"Then what did I do tonight… I gave in, I really gave in and I wanted it all to stop, I didn't want to hurt anymore I didn't want to think I just want to give in and be left alone to die and accept that I was dead and move on with my life or death… I didn't care and I gave in,"
"But you didn't, you're still here… maybe you gave in for a second when you felt like there was no other option for you but you didn't completely give in… and something big must have happened for you to give in that much… something that you haven't mentioned and don't need to but the point is that you fought against it. You didn't run from it and you haven't given in … you just had a weak moment, that's all,"
"I walked in on her… I saw her cutting, and I ran… I left her there alone with Grams… I didn't call for help, I didn't try to help I just ran and didn't look back. And I don't feel strong at all, I feel weak like I can't even make it through another day, another second…" sobbed Piper,
"You might feel like you can't make it through another day but you do and that shows how strong you are… and how much of a fighter you are… the fact that you don't think you can make it, but you do…"
"But every day I'm getting closer to giving up and its just so hard to deal with any of this any more… I just can't seem to deal with anything else, and I hate it!"
"I know, its hard and I know that I can't help you to deal with it but I can help by being here, you can talk to me and you can confide in me… or you could just sit and say nothing, whatever you needed… but just now I think I need to get you inside,"
"I can't go back home… or to the hospital… I can't face them just now, please, don't make me," she sobbed,
"It's alright, if you want you can come to mine… my parents aren't in, I can make up the sofa bed, and you could stay the night or you could go home when you feel ready… whatever you need," he said,
"Ok… thanks," she said. And they headed to Dan's house, for comfort and shelter from the rain and harsh winds…
A/N: I would just like to put in a small note to mention that the next chapter contains scenes of a sexual nature and not everyone might want to read it… its just so your not shocked. Also, remember that Piper's behaviour is down to how she is feeling, alone, empty, invisible. So please don't review saying that I'm beng unrealistic. Thanks.