Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed, unfortunately.
To Look Again – Criticise Me As I Cry (Take Me Away)
I cannot find a way to describe it,
It's there inside,
All I do is hide,
I wish that it would just go away,
What would you do?
You do if you knew,
What would you do?
Prue awaited Piper and Grams' visit, Phoebe was back in school but Piper was being allowed to stay off. She had pulled on a long sleeved shirt for the first time in a few weeks that day, after her first cut for a few weeks. She sat crossed legged on her bed, writing in her small journal,
"Piper and Grams will be here soon, I'm going to try and be more upbeat about things when they're here. I hate that I've failed them by cutting again, this place is meant to help me stop but I'm in here and I'm meant to be under constant supervision so I don't get the chance and I did. I hate that!" Prue looked up from her notebook and saw Grams and Piper entering her room, she quickly closed the diary and slid it under her pillows then she quickly glanced at her arms to ensure that her sleeves were pulled down as far as they could be. She looked up and smiled at them,
"Hey, I was wondering when you guys would show up," she said happily, "Take a seat," Grams and Piper sat down,
"Its nice to see you happier," smiled Grams, "We brought you some magazines, so you don't get bored today, and some chocolate,"
"Again? You always bring me chocolate… if I didn't know any better I'd think you wanted me to gain weight," joked Prue, "Its great to see you guys, this place was dead last night I had no one to talk to! I can't stand being without a phone line so that I can chat to everyone for hours!" said Prue, hoping that she could continue like this,
"Well when you get out of here you can call everyone you want," smiled Grams, she looked over at Piper who was sitting quietly behind her, staring at the floor.
"So, Piper… what have I missed at school? Any huge dramas?" asked Prue, smiling at Piper painfully trying to force a smile Piper stood up,
"I need to use the bathroom," she said as she headed for the door,
"Use that one," replied Prue pointing to her private bathroom, Piper stopped in her tracks took a deep breath, she turned round nodded and headed into the small room, locking the door behind her.
"Grams, what's wrong with Piper?" asked Prue,
"She's tried I think, she was up late studying last night… I didn't hear her in bed until three," replied Grams,
"Oh… ok,"
Inside the small bathroom Piper sat down on the edge of the toilet and looked down at the floor, she moved her glance to the ceiling and then darted it back down, she got down on the floor on her hands and knees and looked closely at the ground. Small red dots had been smeared into the lino, blood. Piper knew it instantly; she knew all the signals of cutting. The red dots that were smeared because they had been wiped up hastily, the missing towel that had been "misplaced", the cheery new Prue, the long sleeves. Piper knew them all. Piper took a deep breath and opened the door to Prue's bedroom where she and Grams were still sitting, laughing quietly on the bed. Piper walked back in and sat down next to Grams, then she opened her mouth to talk but shut it again,
"Grams could you get me some juice from the cafeteria… I need to talk with Prue," she said after a few minutes,
"Sure, what do you want?" asked Grams, getting up hesitantly and lifting her purse,
"Anything," replied Piper. A few seconds later after Grams had left the room Prue spoke,
"So what's up?" she asked quietly,
All the pain I thought I knew,
All the thoughts lead back to you,
Back to what was never said,
Back and forth inside my head,
I can't handle this confusion,
I'm unable,
Come and take me away,
Piper sat in silence for a few seconds, trying to think of how to answer Prue's question without freaking out and just blurting out everything that was in her head. It would be hard to not to just tell Prue everything that she had been going through, she had wanted to many times before but never really had the chance,
"I know Prue," she said quietly,
"You know what?" asked Prue, but inside she instantly knew that answer, she knew that Piper would figure out her act was fake,
"I know you're still cutting. I know you did it recently," she said quickly, Prue looked hurt, as did Piper,
"But I'm not," replied Prue,
"Don't lie to me!" demanded Piper,
"I'm not lying to you! I'm not cutting anymore,"
"Bullshit Prue!" said Piper, loudly, "I know you are!"
"You don't know anything! I'm not doing it any more." Replied Prue, she hated lying to Piper but felt that she had to lie to protect her even though Piper had figured it out,
"Prue! I've been living with this thing for three years! I think I know the fucking signs. The long sleeves, your smile, that fact that you're laughing and giggling with Grams and me. I know what's going on, I always fucking know!" It was a rare occasion that Piper swore; it took Prue by surprise,
"Piper, that proves nothing! I'm cold today, that's why I have long sleeves on, and I'm actually feeling better that's why I'm happier," sighed Prue,
"Prue, I'm not Phoebe! I can tell when you're faking happiness, I can tell when you're lying to me! And this is one of those times,"
"No its not!"
"Then pull up your sleeves," said Piper. Prue looked down at her arms,
"Piper, I'm not cutting… can't you just believe me?" asked Prue quietly pulling her arms into her body to shield herself,
"No,"
I feel like I am alone,
All by myself,
I need to get around this,
My words are cold,
I don't want them to hurt you,
If I show you,
I don't think you'd understand,
Cause no one understands,
"You don't trust me," sighed Prue, "How can you not trust me,"
"Because Prue…" sighed Piper,
"Because is not an answer! Its not, I need a reason why my sister doesn't trust me! I need a reason that you think I'm constantly lying to you. Can you not just be happy that I'm getting better and that things will start to improve for me. Why can't you just let me be happy? Why must you constantly think that I'm lying or…" at this point Piper started to blur Prue's words, almost ignoring them completely, she could feel herself growing emotional and could feel all her words gathering in her stomach ready to explode, she took a few deep breaths in to try and calm herself but Prue's voice and her words echoed through Piper's mind.
"Why can't you just believe me? Why Piper?" finished Prue, and Piper couldn't hold it in anymore, she couldn't stop the words from flowing,
"Because you hurt me!" she yelled, "You think that you're the only one who is having trouble with this? You're not; I can't deal with any of this. I'm having nightmares and flashbacks and I don't understand anything and no one will explain any of this to me and I can't fucking take it anymore. I need answers Prue, and I need them now. Because if I don't get them I'll be admitted here myself. And I'm just so scared just now Prue, and do you know what I'm scared of? You want to know what wakes me up at night in a cold sweat, my face sore and red like I've been crying in my sleep… I'm scared of turning into you Prue!"
All the pain I thought I knew,
All the thoughts lead back to you,
Back to what was never said,
Back and forth inside my head,
I can't handle this confusion,
I'm unable,
Come and take me away,
Piper broke down into tears after her outburst and ran into the bathroom. The door didn't lock so she sat against the door and pushed her back again the cold, wooden door until she felt it hurt. After a few minutes Piper heard a knock on the bathroom door,
"Piper? Piper let me in, please?" asked Prue from the other side of the door,
"No." said Piper instantly, "Just leave me be,"
"I can't do that," sighed Prue leaning her back against the other side of the door, "Piper you said that you need answers. But I can't give them to you, I don't them myself, half the time I don't even know the questions. I feel like that all the time and I can't answer the questions if I don't know them, it seems like everyone is speaking in some kind of different language that I can't understand and I don't know how learn. I don't even know where to start,"
"Prue…" said Piper from the other side of the door,
"Yeah"
"Why do you do it?" asked Piper,
"You mean cut? I don't know really, I guess it's a release." Replied Prue,
"How did it start?" asked Piper,
"I was feeling really confused and down, I wasn't sure what was going on and I didn't know how to deal with things. Everything big or small seemed to upset me, Grams would yell at me and I could feel tears building up behind my eyes, I didn't even know why I was crying half the time. I just seemed to find myself questioning every little thing, and when I didn't like my answers I would beat myself up about it. That usually made me feel better, in some sort of morbid way. I felt better that I was beating myself up about it inside, but soon enough I felt nothing from telling myself that I was worthless and ignorant and all sorts of other things. It didn't cause me enough pain. I felt like I had to have more, so I started wrist banging. Nothing serious just whenever I felt down I would bang my wrist of my bedpost, just enough for me to feel physical pain. But soon that pain, the numbness that I felt inside and the numbness in my wrist from banging became nothing to me. I needed more again, and that's when I started to cut. At first it was just little things, just a small cut that could be passed off as a graze or a kitchen accident. Before long I was hooked, I couldn't explain to myself why I was doing this, which just made me do it even more. I couldn't understand any of it so I cut more and more until my arms were covers in thin red lines that told a story. They told how much pain I was in and were always there as a constant reminder. I regret starting that but I just can't seem to get out of the cycle. I wish that I could stop, and that I didn't put others through this but I do, and I can't help it. I want to but its too hard," finished Prue, wiping away tears that had formed and rolled down her pale cheeks, on the other side of the door Piper did the same. She placed her hand on the door and whispered "Thank you," just then she heard the door open and Grams walk in.
I'm going no where,
On and on and,
I'm getting no where,
On and on and on,
I'm going no where,
On and off and on and off,
All the pain I thought I knew,
All the thoughts lead back to you,
Back to what was never said,
Back and forth inside my head,
I can't handle this confusion,
I'm unable,
Come and take me away,