Author's Note: Okay, I can't do the angst much longer. Soooo, I think I'm gonna finish this story up in this chapter, except for the epilogue, that is. I had high expectations for this story, but was unable to meet them. So, it's gonna end up shorter than I had originally planned. Sorry, guys and gals.

And part of this chapter is in Yuffie's POV and a journal entry thing... so, if that tends to ramble, remember her emotional state right now.

–Disclaimer: Yes, I own everything in this story. Right now, I have Squall handcuffed in my room. And, if you believe THAT, I have some ocean front property in Arizona to sell you. So, as you can see, I do not own anything.

Chapter Six: Confessions of a Lost Soul

For what seemed like the hundredth time that day, Yuffie rolled over and stared out the window in her lonely bedroom. Soft, white snowflakes danced through the air in swirling patterns before gently floating to the ground below, belying the somber mood within the castle walls. She hated the snowflakes with a deep and burning passion at that moment for seeming so carefree and elated. It was just over two weeks ago when she, herself, had been feeling that way, only to have it cruelly ripped away from her in the Fate's firm grasp.

Wiping away the tear that slowly slid down her cheek, the ninja sat up slightly on the bed and stared at the door, willing it to open and for Squall to walk in. In the past two weeks, she had only seen him when they accidentally passed in the hallways; both had refused to meet the other's eyes. After that, she had returned to her room and only emerged when she absolutely had to which was seldom as she was hardly eating anything, only what the flower girl and Shera insisted that she eat.

With another glance around the room, Yuffie's eyes fell upon the small blue notebook Aerith had brought to her a few days ago. The notebook, Aerith had explained, was for Yuffie to release the emotions she kept pent up inside. After the day she had found out she had lost the baby and had had her initial cry, the ninja had stopped showing any emotion to anything. She was simply apathetic to everything that when on around her. Outside, that is. Inside, she was an emotional wreck and unable to think about anything but the miscarriage and the distant way Squall was acting.

Yuffie clenched her eyes shut as she thought about Squall again and hastily grabbed the notebook, deciding that she might as well give it a try. She was at the end of her rope and had no one to talk to. Even though she knew Aerith would listen to everything she said without interruption, Yuffie didn't want to talk with the flower girl right now. The only person she wanted to talk to was Squall, and she knew he was still hiding away in the waterway.

As she opened the notebook and picked up the pen Aerith had left her, Yuffie stared blindly at the blank pages before her. Gathering her thoughts, the pen began to slowly fill the lines with words in Yuffie's own unique style of writing–something in between script and print, something distinctly her.

Aerith told me that it's good therapy to write down what you're feeling, even if you're the only person who ever reads it. And since I can't really vocalize what it is I'm feeling to anyone that would listen, I will write it down instead and see if it helps. The one person I want to talk to isn't here right now and I'm not sure he would listen even if he were. He's so cold lately, but I can't really blame him.

Yuffie stopped writing for a moment and brushed the tears out of her eyes to clear her rapidly blurring vision. If nothing else, she realized that writing all this down would allow her to shed the tears she had been refusing to shed. And maybe then, she could begin the process of healing herself. Her pen began moving across the page once more.

I lost the baby. Yes, I LOST the baby. It is no one's fault but my own. I didn't listen when Squall told me not to do something. I didn't take better care of myself. I am the one who lost the baby. And no matter what Aerith tells me, no matter how many times she says that anyone can have a miscarriage, no matter how many times she tells me it's not my fault, I still know that it is.

And I know that Squall feels the exact same way. I know he blames me. And he has reason to. I lost his child. While he was doing everything he could to protect me and keep me safe, I didn't listen to him and now I am paying the price. I have lost his child, my child, OUR child and I have lost him as well.

The tears were coming freely, demanding to be released now and streaming down her face, but Yuffie could not stop writing. She had to keep writing it all down. Since she couldn't vocalize any of these feelings to those around her, she had to keep writing to allow the release. It was like the tiny crack in the dam that eventually allows the whole thing to crash down.

I miss him so much. I feel as though things wouldn't be as bad if he were here with me. I mean, I KNOW that losing the baby is a terrible thing, but having to go through this by myself, without him here to help me, is slowly killing me inside. Everyday, I sit and stare at the door, willing him to walk through there and just tell me everything's going to be okay, even if it is just a lie. I don't care about lies right now. I just need him here, with me, holding me, just HERE.

Every night, in the middle of the night, I dream of him. It's the same dream every night. He comes in silently through the door and stands over the bed, just looking down at me. And his eyes look so pained, but he still just looks down at me. And, then, he leans over, so close I can feel his breath even though it is just a dream and he gently brushes his hand through my hair before kissing my cheek. I know it's just a dream, but it feels so real.

So many times I've thought he was really there, only to turn my head after he kisses my cheek to find myself alone in the room. And this loneliness is slowly killing me. Is it so wrong to want him here with me? Is it so wrong to want him to lie to me and tell me it's going to be okay? Why did any of this happen?

Those same questions go through my mind every day, every hour, every minute, every second. And I can never answer them. The only thing I can answer is that it's my fault and I am being punished. Punished for the first thought that went through my head when Aerith told me I might be pregnant.

I didn't want this baby at first. I was sixteen and I was scared and I spent most of that day asking myself why I was pregnant. But, when I told Squall, and he was so happy, it was kind of contagious. And I started to want this baby. Even if I only was sixteen when I became pregnant, it just felt so right with Squall there to support me. Even when I had my doubts as to whether I could do this, Squall never had them. He was always so excited about this baby.

And, now, now that I want this baby, it's gone. Ripped away in one instant. And I find myself asking instead of why was I pregnant to begin with, why I'm NOT pregnant now. What did I do wrong? Was it simply because I didn't want it at first? Did I anger some deity that I'm ignorant of?

I suppose I'm not meant to be happy. Some people are. I just wish that I could somehow make Squall happy once more. He's been through so much and he deserves to be happy. He deserved this child, but I guess I wasn't the one meant to carry it. I can only hope that he will find happiness once more. I know that I can't. There is no happiness for me if Squall is not here by my side. But I won't ask him to come back to me. I don't deserve his forgiveness, I don't deserve him. I'm the one who lost his child.

Aerith doesn't know that I know, but she's pregnant. I think she's trying to keep it from me, but it's kind of obvious when she starts to turn green and makes a run for the bathroom every hour or so. At first, I thought she just had a stomach virus or something, but when it persisted for over a week, I knew she was pregnant.

I'll admit it. I was jealous of her. Actually, to be honest with myself, I still am jealous of her. Why does she get to have a baby when I don't? Of course, her pregnancy could end just as easily as mine abruptly did. But I don't want that to happen to her. No one deserves to go through what I've been through, especially Aerith. Even when she drove me insane when she found out about Squall and I, I still love her and I don't want her to be unhappy. And I hate myself so much for being jealous. I shouldn't be. If anyone deserves to be happy, she does. She went for nine years never knowing if Cloud were dead or alive. And now she has the chance to have a perfect family... just like I thought I would have.

But it's no use looking at the yesterdays and wondering what could have been and what should have been. It's too late for that. And I am just stuck here, alone in my room, wondering what I did wrong and knowing that I, alone, am the one who lost the baby. I am solely to blame. And nothing anyone can say will change that.

Yuffie stretched the sleeve of her sweatshirt out and used it to wipe the tears off her face. Actually, it wasn't her sweatshirt, she had stolen it from Squall ages ago and just now realized that it was his, causing her tears to increase. She missed him. That's all there was to it. She missed Squall and needed him. And staying in this room, where so many things reminded her of him, was driving her insane. Everywhere she looked, she saw something that was his or something that he had placed a certain way or something that just reminded her of him.

Shaking her head, Yuffie threw the covers off herself and walked to the closet, yanking the door open and pulling out the coat Squall had made for her birthday. As she slipped it on over her clothes and tied it tightly around her waist, it felt almost like Squall was holding her. He had put so much of himself into it when making it.

Before she could stop herself, the ninja slipped out of the room and silently descended the stairs. She passed the open door of the library unnoticed, where most of the Hollow Bastion residents rested, save for Squall and Yuffie. At the main door of the bastion, she paused, wondering how she would open the door without it creaking. But, realizing that it was impossible to do so, she simply opened it a crack and slithered through the crack.

The solitude of Rising Falls was waiting for her. If Squall could find solace in the waterway beneath the castle, Yuffie believed that she could surely find the same at the Rising Falls. And if not, then she would simply end it all and find solace in death.

Squall couldn't stand it any longer. It had been two weeks since he had held Yuffie and the physical need to just hold her in his arms was overwhelming. For the past two weeks, he had been spending his days in the waterway beneath the castle and his nights on the couch in the library. He couldn't bring himself to share a bed with Yuffie when he couldn't even look at her without feeling he had failed her.

The couch in the library offered little comfort to him at night, the warmth of her body pressed against his missing. And staying in the library only reminded him of the night he had finally found her months ago when she had run away from him. He needed her, even if she didn't want him, he needed her. And if begging for forgiveness was what it took, then he would drop to his knees and plead with her, bargain with her, do anything if she would only forgive him for not protecting her like he should have.

The fact that there was really no way to protect her from what had happened didn't cross his mind. He only knew that he had failed her somehow and had let something hurt her. And it hurt him as well. After all, it was not only Yuffie he had failed to protect, but also his child. Squall decided that perhaps this was a sign that he was not meant to be a father, for if he was unable to protect his child before it was even born, how would he protect as it grew?

As Squall ruminated all this, he was slowly making his way towards the bedroom he had shared with Yuffie by way of the lifts. In the past two weeks, he had only been in that room for a few minutes each night, just to sift his fingers through her hair and gently kiss her cheek. He believed she would never allow him in there if she knew, so steeped in his self-blame, never thinking that she was feeling the same.

He finally reached the bedroom, finding the heavy, oaken door shut. Without knocking, he slowly pushed it open, hoping to find her in there. Squall hadn't even thought about the fact that she might not be in there, so intent on finding her right now. But, as the door slowly creaked open, it revealed that the room was empty, the blankets on the bed a rumpled mess.

Sighing, Squall stepped into the room and sat on the edge of the bed; Yuffie's scent lingered in here. Orange blossom wafted to his nose and he breathed deeply. He missed that scent, the one he would smell each night as he slept with her in his arms.

He lay down on the bed, stretching out and deciding that the easiest thing to do since the castle was so large would be to wait for her to return here. With all the rooms, hidden and not so hidden, he would never be able to find her. Waiting would be the best thing to do.

But, as he lay there, he noticed a blue notebook lying open on the bed with a pen resting atop it. He immediately recognized the handwriting as hers, no one else had that distinct meshing of both script and print which made it both elegant and childish at the same time. His eyes scanned over the page, widening larger and larger as they fell across the passages where she talked of blame and how much she missed Squall.

Revelation suddenly hit him. The whole time he was blaming himself for her miscarriage, Yuffie was blaming herself as well. And he quickly realized that just as he didn't blame her, she didn't blame him either. Everything was just a big mistake. The past two weeks, which should have been spent comforting each other, had been spent apart with no one able to actually comfort them. Sure, the rest of the Hollow Bastion residents had tried, but they didn't really know the pain felt by Yuffie and Squall.

Squall jumped off the bed, intent on finding Yuffie now, even if it meant he had to shout for her at the top of his lungs while he ran from room to room. He couldn't let her go on thinking that he blamed her. And now that he knew she didn't blame him, it felt as if a small weight had been lifted from his shoulders. It still hurt to know their child was dead, and, inside, he still blamed himself, but knowing that she didn't blame him, had never blamed him, helped to intensify his need to rectify the situation.

Just as he was about to leave the room, he noticed the closet door was open and, upon closer inspection, that the coat he had made her was gone as well. That helped to rule out the interior of the Bastion as her current hiding place, unless she had gone to the waterway beneath the castle. But, as Squall had just come from there and had not passed her on his way, he assumed she wouldn't be there. That left Rising Falls and beyond. But, one had to first go through Rising Falls and he hoped to find her there.

Squall ran down the stairs, ignoring the shouts from the library as the residents saw him race past. He had no time for them as of right now, only time for Yuffie. In an instant, he was out the door and already at the transportation crystal that would take him to Rising Falls.

Upon arrival at the platform, he raised a hand to his eyes to block out the glaring sun as he looked into the distance, checking each floating ice platform for her small figure. A small black dot graced the furthest platform, easing closer to the edge of the ice and peering over. Squall's body reacted long before his brain and he started jumping from platform to platform to reach her. It was the fastest he had ever crossed the Rising Falls.

"Yuffie," he panted as he finally reached her floating platform. She was precariously close to the edge and still peering over it, staring numbly at the ice hundreds of feet below. Upon hearing her name, he watched as she slowly turned to him, her indigo eyes dead and completely devoid of what used to be their normal perkiness and liveliness. "What are you doing out here?"

"I... I... really don't know," the ninja murmured softly, dropping her eyes from his. She couldn't bear to stand under his scrutiny right now, knowing that she was to blame for the loss of their child. "I just wanted to get out of the castle and... and... it's so quiet here and so peaceful..."

There was something she didn't want to say, he could read it in her body language and in the brief moment their eyes had met. There was something she was afraid to say and he feared he knew what it was by the way she had been looking over the edge. "Yuffie," he said once more, taking a couple steps closer to her. "What were you going to do out here?"

Tears started streaming down her face now, unheeded, unstoppable. "I think I was planning... planning on jumping," she whispered, looking over her shoulder to see the icy edge that was mere footsteps away. "I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure about anything anymore." The last part was said so softly that Squall scarcely heard the words. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself as though that were the only thing keeping her from shattering into a hundred pieces.

"Don't." That was all he said. And it was enough. Yuffie nodded vaguely, her tears turning into sobs and making her gasp for air. "I read your notebook," Squall told her, taking another careful step towards her, wanting to run to her, but afraid she would get scared in her current condition.

Her head snapped up at his admission, her indigo eyes wide. "You read that?" the ninja hissed, reaching up a hand to wipe away some of the relentless tears. "Squall, how could you? That's like reading someone's diary."

"If I hadn't, you'd still be out here alone," Squall said simply, taking another cautious step towards her. At her silent nod, he continued. "Yuffie, I don't blame you for what happened."

"Then where have you–." He interrupted her before she could finish her question.

"I blamed myself for not protecting you," he whispered softly, dropping his head now in guilt, both for not protecting her and for not being there for her. "I failed you, Yuffie. I failed you." A few tears were squeezed out from his closed eyes, hidden by the mahogany bangs that fell across his lowered face. Two small arms wrapped around his waist and a petite body was pressed up against him, holding him, hugging him, telling him that it was okay, that it wasn't his fault. "Yuffie–."

"Just hold me, Squall. Just hold me," Yuffie rasped, burying her face into his chest, not caring if her tears soaked through the material and wetted his skin in this frigid weather. The simple fact that he didn't blame her and that he was here, with her, right now, holding her, was enough.

Squall dropped his face to her shoulder, his tears sliding off his face and onto her neck. "Yuffie, I... I failed you and the baby... And I didn't know what to do after that," he whispered into her shoulder. "I wasn't there when you needed me the most and I'm sorry, so sorry, Yuffie."

"Shh," Yuffie soothed quietly through her own tears, moving her hand to gently stroke the nape of his neck. "It's not your fault, Squall. You aren't the one who lost the baby. I didn't... I didn't let you take care of me. I was too headstrong and stubborn," she sobbed even as she tried to console him.

"But, it is my fault, Yuffie," Squall insisted, his voice slightly muffled by her shoulder. "I'm the one who got you pregnant to begin with. I nearly lost you because I was stupid enough to not think about it before. You could have died that night, Yuffie. And it would have been all my fault."

Not knowing what to say, Yuffie simply held onto him and let him cry on her shoulder as she still stroked the nape of his neck. Finally, Squall lifted his head from her shoulder and hugged her tightly to him, resting his chin on the top of her head, placing a kiss upon the soft, ebony hair. "I'm here, Squall. And I'm not going anywhere," she finally whispered, his grip tightening around her. "Just as long as you're here with me, I'm not going anywhere."

The cold, icy wind whipped around them, but neither noticed as they held onto the other. Knowing that the other didn't blame them, had never blamed them for the death of their child was enough. They stayed out there on the platform, in each other's arms, until the sky darkened and the threat of freezing to death forced them to separate enough to make their way back to the Bastion. Even though they still mourned for their unborn child, they knew things would eventually get better as long as they still had each other.

Author's Note: Okay, that is the unofficial end of the story. I'll put up an epilogue within the next few days... maybe tomorrow night. It depends on how much stuff I have to do. My brother, his wife, and their FOUR kids are visiting right now, so... yeah... not much might get done. Anyways, thank yous will be with the epilogue.