Old Phantoms Die Hard
Prelude in A minor
Erik's lips were warm and soft, so soft; a gentle unobtrusive presence- surprisingly kissable, I thought as we stood there flush against each other, two towering pillars of emotions and anxieties and fears; shocked at our own audacity and courage. These lips I'd watched twist and purse to form words, fascinated and trying to decipher how they produced so ineffable a voice, they were so full, how could I not have noticed?
The sensation of them pressed against my own was so… freeing. It was nothing like kissing Raoul had been, his lips were plump and boyish, but it had always seemed so awkward to feel them on mine, so mechanical; I had thought that was what all kisses were like. This was so different, so completely new a feeling, like drowning but not wanting to be saved- it was alien, it was painful, it was wonderful. Despite the odd chill predominate in the rest of Erik's skin there was a safe warmth in his mouth I could never have guessed would be so perfect, then there was that taste; that wonderfully peculiar taste, it was strange and yet familiar….
He was too much of a gentleman, too nervous and uncertain to deepen the kiss, but I longed to be closer to him. Connected to him even just as I was I felt as though I could do anything, anything I wished to do, so long as he was with me. I parted his lips with my own and ran the tip of my tongue along his lips before pushing inside his mouth, determined to explore every inch he would allow. Erik's eyes opened wide in shock and I felt his surprise in his closeness, his shoulders tensing and his limbs stiffening in shock and self-defense at losing control of the situation. I coaxed him gently with my kiss until, tentatively, he finally began to shyly experiment in returning my gestures of love.
I felt his hand slide to the small of my back, where he pulled me up against him with little more than a gentle guiding pressure so our kiss could become more passionate. I needed little coaxing and cocked my head to the side as we moved together to that beautiful silent music that he always seemed to hear, and our closeness infused me with the spectacular grace of all his movements.
I smiled against his mouth, it felt like my soul was soaring high up in the heavens far above, flying away and laughing at the world. I had never felt like this before, never understood what a liberating emotion true happiness was, he was teaching me again, teaching me to be free- to feel free again, something I'd not done since I was a child. I realized with a start that there was a simple reason, I hadn't felt safe since my father died- not until this moment. I brought my hand up to Erik's head, liking the feel of his thick black hair between my fingers, sleek and soft to the touch.
Our kiss drew close to its end and he let me slide back down to earth, the floor coming up to meet my pointed toes as our duet reached its conclusion. I let the tender end of the kiss break off, secure that he now knew how I truly felt. My love had finally managed to show itself in the best way possible; touch is the sweetest herald of joy and my love could make itself apparent through my fear by no other means but to touch pure joy itself. Erik was joy, he was my joy, and in his embrace for the first time in my memory I was completely at peace.
When our lips had at last parted, I suddenly felt the unpleasant sensation of eyes on my back, the hair on my neck bristling with the feeling of being watched. I whirled around cautiously and saw Raoul standing there. Erik had released the catch that turned off the tortures and opened the inner door, one of his slim, beautiful hands still resting near where it lay hidden in the wall.
Raoul stared at me wide-eyed and open-mouthed, at an obvious loss for words. I started to move toward him to snap him out of it with a gentle slap across his face when his mouth closed and opened again of it's own accord. Unable to speak he shook his head only to end up staring at me again.
"Christine?" his voice was a small croak.
"Yes Raoul, it's me." I said softly, my gaze flickering to the floor between us.
"What was just happening Christine?" he asked slowly, his blunt unflattering way of annunciating my name forcing me to resist the urge to wince. He was trying to convince himself that he was hallucinating, I could see it in his eyes.
"Erik and I were...kissing Raoul." I replied slowly, wringing my hands and wishing I could return to the safety of Erik's arms. No matter how much I wished I didn't have to hurt my lifelong friend, I couldn't live like this any longer; I couldn't live one more moment of my life without Erik, without touching him, without being with him always.
"Why?" His eyes pleaded with me, desperate and glistening wetly in the dim light.
"Because we're in love…" I whispered, swallowing heavily as I faced him, staring into the abyss of hurt and betrayal in his face now. He shouldn't feel betrayed, he had no right to really, but I couldn't be angry with him for it.
He regarded me with deep pain, confusion and disbelief, barely able to force words, "But you love... me...." His voice was shaking- this was his worst fears and nightmares come true before him, since the day I couldn't assure him he was the only one in my heart he had been bitterly afraid I would chose Erik. And now it had come to pass.
"No Raoul," I took a steadying breath, uttering a silent inclination for strength divine, "I love Erik." The man himself must have been in awe of me and my newfound strength, I only wished that I could have found it sooner! Why did I need to put such a wonderful man, such a beautiful soul through so much pain?
The last thing his life needed was more suffering and I cared not, a selfish spoiled child. He would tell me it wasn't my fault, that I was too young and naïve to face my fear, that he understood… but I know that before he showed me the light; I was cruel and childish. A cold unreachable Diana in her orb, who must never be touched, who must never be loved; but he loved anyway, my small unworthy self, and no matter how he protests against it, I love him too.
He has loved me far more then any human being has ever been loved, more than one would think possible- but of course, with Erik, all things are possible.
I felt his protective presence behind me, knowing that he was near gave me that courage that I had been lacking, "I'm sorry Raoul, I never did love you, I only thought I did." I bowed my head in shame at my stupidity, that which almost cost the lives of my dearest friend and my only love. I swallowed the guilt- needing to get through this, "I am not a child anymore you see, I think that in many ways, you still are."
"I love you too much not to let you be happy Christine, I will not do anything that would make me ashamed to face your papa..." Raoul trailed off, staring wistfully at the floor, absorbed in some memory or other. He continued, murmuring more to himself than anyone else, "You never loved me…. If one thing was certain in my life it has always been that you were there, to love me, that we would always be together..."
"Raoul, you're like my brother, I...."
He held up a silencing hand.
"It's all right Christine, you needn't try to comfort me... I can see you don't love me... not like I love you.... I don't know what to say to you now, in parting." He paused, putting one hand into his waistcoat pocket, thoughtfully, "You always told me how much he frightened you, my dear Christine, I can't believe I could have been so blind. My friend… yes, my one and only friend who is so fickle in her ways she manages to get people killed without lifting a finger! Manages to drive grown men mad with an upturned face and a great big tear rolling down that porcelain perfect cheek- you know he's right, you do have such talent for crying! And using it to play us all like chess pieces!"
Raoul stopped his tirade abruptly, putting a hand to his brow and sucking in big swallows of breath, trying desperately to stop the tears, "I'm sorry, I... I'm so sorry. Please, if you could find it in your heart to forgive me Christine… I can't leave you knowing that you'll think any less of me."
"It's all right Raoul, I understand." I murmured quietly, averting my eyes from his to avoid his direct, accusing gaze.
He looked at me helplessly, "Goodbye, Christine… m- may happiness find you."
"It already has," I whispered softly, gently, trying not to hurt him with words I knew could be sharp.
Raoul nodded shortly, approaching me while keeping his head down to hide the tears, he kissed my hand and then bowed curtly to Erik. "Sir, under different circumstances you are the kind of man I would be honored to call friend and I apologize for my narrow-minded, asinine behaviours- it was wrong of me."
"As I you sir, your conduct tonight has been most admirable." Erik responded shortly, his mismatched eyes keeping careful watch over Raoul, not trusting him despite all outward appearances.
Raoul, even in the depths of his despair reacted to that voice, he seemed to gain a little strength from the unreality hearing it brought to the mind and used it to take firm possession of his rampant emotions. "You have already done the same for me countless times monsieur, and it is obvious that the lady has made her choice."
Erik acknowledged the remark with a quick nod, gazing after Raoul as he returned his attention to me, his expression unfathomable.
"Little Lotte..." the boy who chased my scarf looked at me sadly, realizing that the dream had faded and that he had been wrong about which one of us had grown and which was left alone on that beach. He took a deep breath, "You have found your Angel of music at last, but remember the friends you made... remember... me." he fingered a ringlet of my chocolate brown hair sadly. "Peace be with you, God bless," he choked and a tear rolled down his cheek as he took one last lingering glance at me and made his exit while he still retained his dignity.
"God has blessed this day indeed," Erik whispered as he stepped out of the darkness in front of me, raising an elegant hand and letting one finger tip run down my cheek in a chilling, but beautiful caress.
"He said it best," I said softly as I snuggled against his hand, "this day I have found my Angel of music at last." I could say no more, nor wanted to, as his lips were on mine.