"Not the Marrying Kind: An Alternative Romance"

by Christina

A/N: This is a sequel of sorts to "The Hobbit of My Affections," but it's not necessary to have read it in order to enjoy this story. Suffice it to say that Merry and Pippin are lovers and have been since shortly after Sam and Rosie Gamgee's wedding (1420 S.R.).

"Not the Marrying Kind" is rated R for language and relationships between Hobbits of the same sex (male and female this time around), so if that sort of thing offends you, don't read it. It also contains some het content, which might offend others (it's really hard to make everyone happy in LOTR fandom, but I try:)).

Disclaimer: All these wonderful characters and their universe belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. I'm just having fun in the Professor's extraordinary playground.

Chapter One: Condemned

March 23, 1427 S. R. (The night before the Master of Buckland's eighty-seventh birthday)...

Saradoc Brandybuck had heard the rumors, of course; everyone in the Shire seemed to accept the ridiculous story that his son and nephew enjoyed regular visits from Elf-maids and other strange nymphs and sprites. That was the reason why Meriadoc and Peregrin stayed at Crickhollow rather than settle down like the responsible gentlehobbits they were raised to be.

Saradoc had made his own investigation into the matter and knew better. The truth made him want to retch.

Meriadoc finally opened the hidden door off the great hall and entered the antechamber where his father sat in an elaborately carved wooden chair raised on a small dais. There was no other chair in the small room and the Master liked it that way. The walls were covered in ancient tapestries that served a dual purpose; they told of the illustrious founding of Brandy Hall by Gorhendad Oldbuck and sound-proofed the room as well, making it ideal for private chats with recalcitrant sons.

"You made me seem a poor host tonight, Meriadoc."

Merry looked up at him proudly, with the hint of a cocky grin on his face. "How did I do that, Father?"

"You hardly danced at my Birthday Ball. Since I cannot," Saradoc tapped his arthritic right leg with his cane, "I expect you to make a good showing for us both."

"I danced."

"With your mother, married Aunts, and little cousins. Not once did you dance with an eligible Hobbit lass. And there she was, beautiful Estella Bolger following you with her eyes all night long and you didn't so much as glance in her direction."

Merry didn't respond immediately and looked down at his feet. "I'm sorry, Father. I'll make up for it right now." He turned to leave, but Saradoc stopped him.

"Do you think I'm some doddering old fool who wouldn't notice the way you look at him?" The old Hobbit asked with sudden fury.

Merry spun around and regarded his father with terror in his grey eyes.

Saradoc grasped the sturdy arms of his chair and rose himself up. "How could you disgrace me and the very name of Brandybuck by fornicating with that filthy little Took?!"

"He's your nephew!" Merry exclaimed.

"Which makes what you're doing all the more disgusting!" Saradoc spat on the rushes spread over the floor. "He brought you to this, didn't he? Peregrin always had you wrapped around his little finger."

"I brought myself to it," Merry replied. "I love him."

Saradoc smiled mirthlessly and sat back down. "Well, your love affair is now over."

Merry shook his head. "You can't stop us from being together."

"You forget, Meriadoc the Magnificent," Saradoc said mockingly, "you're not Master of Buckland yet. Oh, yes, I've heard what they call you when they think I'm not listening. You may have their hearts, but I still have the power. I could disinherit you and spread your secret throughout the Shire by morning. Then we'll see if you still have their hearts after that."

"You forget, father," Merry said, challenging the old Master with his steady, brash gaze. "We have friends in the South who will not see us outcast."

"Yes, of course," Saradoc chuckled. "I imagine your Kings will take you in, but what of the good Men of Rohan and Gondor? What will they do when your secret is discovered? And I will do everything in my power to make certain that it is. One day when the attentions of you Kings are elsewhere, those good Men will slit your throats in the night, if you're lucky. Or perhaps they'll use you like the little he-whores you are before they kill you."

Merry clenched and unclenched his fists at his sides. "Are you finished?"

"Not by half." Saradoc used his cane to get out of his chair and off the dais. Merry made no move to assist him. Saradoc put a hand on Merry's shoulder, forcing his son to help him to the door. "Tomorrow, you will propose to Estella Bolger instead of me making a speech. The guests will surely enjoy that. And the wedding will take place before midsummer. Peregrin will also marry by that time, but you had better make certain he doesn't show his pretty face in Buckland tomorrow. It would hardly be good form if I vomited up my birthday cake."

Merry shrugged off his father's arm. "You can make all the demands you like, but we will not forsake each other."

"Run along, Meriadoc," Saradoc said as if he was talking to a small child. "Discuss your options with my dear nephew, and give me your decision in the morning. I hope for both your sakes that you decide to be wise rather than rash."

Pippin had left the Ball after Merry had been summoned by his father, so Merry quickly traveled the league from Brandy Hall to Crickhollow in order to 'discuss their options'. Merry and Pippin had been given the cottage by Frodo before he departed over the Sea seven years ago.

Merry found Pippin waiting for him, smoking his pipe on the porch. Pippin took the pipe from his lips and regarded his cousin and lover with concern.

"What did Uncle Saradoc want?"

Merry could feel himself shaking with rage mixed with fear. "He knows, Pippin--about us."

Pippin removed Merry's cloak and led him inside. "What did he say?"

"We have to marry."

"Each other?" Pippin joked hopefully.

"It's not funny, Pippin!" Merry yelled. "He's going to have us driven out unless we both get married!"

Pippin settled Merry at the kitchen table and poured him a glass of wine. Pippin stroked his hair and kissed him on the top of his curly head. "Don't worry, Merry. We'll just leave the Shire, simple as that. Strider will take us in. I know he won't judge us, nor will Queen Arwen. Elves don't seem to be bothered by such things, and Strider was practically raised by Elves."

"We won't be able to live openly anywhere," Merry reminded him mournfully.

Pippin put his arms around Merry and hugged him. "We'll just be more careful and the King will protect us."

"But he won't be with us every minute, Pippin. What if the Men of Gondor find out?"

Pippin swallowed hard and remained silent.

"Remember that villain Deken?" Merry asked darkly. "He would have raped you and killed me if he could have."

"If we hadn't killed him first, Merry," Pippin said with a brave smile. "We aren't totally defenseless, you know."

Merry rose and stared out the window into the cool, dark night. It was several minutes before he spoke. "I won't see you hurt or killed, Pippin. I plan to ask Estella to marry me tomorrow at the party as my father bid me."

"I'd rather take my chances in the outside world with you than see you marry," Pippin replied angrily.

Merry took Pippin's face in his hands and felt tears stinging his eyes. "I would rather see you happy and well in our beloved Shire, receiving everything that is your due. It's time to grow up, dearest."

Pippin's eyes filled with tears as well. "Anything but that, Merry."

Merry smiled and kissed him on the nose. "You knew it was bound to happen eventually."

Pippin sighed in defeat. "I suppose I could ask Diamond of Long Cleeve to marry me. It would make my parents happy; besides, I couldn't imagine marrying someone I actually liked." Pippin cringed when he realized what he had just said and swore under his breath. "I'm sorry, Merry. I didn't mean it the way it sounded. Estella will finally be Mistress of Buckland, that's what she's always wanted. That's why she refused to marry anyone else even though you begged her to."

"She's never married because she's still in love with me," Merry said with a pained expression. "It seems a cruel thing to do to a first-rate lass like her, but it would be worse if I married someone else." Merry paused and regarded Pippin seriously. "We'll have to stop...bedding each other."

"This arrangement is getting worse by the second!" said Pippin. "Why do we have to stop? We may not be able to do it as often, but--"

"No, Pippin! If I have to do this I'm going to be as true to Estella as I can be. You'll still have my heart, but we've managed to make love at least once a day for the past eight years. That should be enough for any Hobbit."

"Speak for yourself, Merry! It was my turn to be on top tonight."

Merry let a little cry at the thought of it and buried his hands in Pippin's curls. "By the gods, I love it when you're on top!"

Pippin wrapped his arms around Merry's waist and pulled him close. Merry opened his mouth slightly and leaned in for a slow kiss. Pippin beat him to it and practically devoured Merry's mouth. Then Pippin clumsily cleared the kitchen table, breaking Merry's wine glass in the process, and helped Merry to sit on the edge of it. Merry wrapped his legs around Pippin's waist as Pippin lowered him onto his back, all the while their lips remained plastered together. Pippin stood up and gave Merry one of his dark, intense gazes that always sent shivers down his spine. Pippin started grinding and thrusting his pelvis against Merry's until Merry could feel them both growing hard against the fabric of their breeches.

Unbidden, a vision of a forlorn Estella watching him dance with his ancient Aunt Euphemia entered Merry's mind's eye. He abruptly unwrapped himself from Pippin and stood up. "What is the matter with us? We can stop if we try." Pippin gazed at Merry with a seductive pout, but Merry remained strong. "There's always self-gratification, Pippin."

"That's no fun," he whined. "Unless you're watching me do it."

Merry walked around the table to put some distance between the two of them. "I forgot to mention, you've been uninvited to the party tomorrow. Why don't you ride to North Farthing and get your proposal over with? By the time you get Diamond settled at the Great Smials and come back here, we should be well over our...urges."

Pippin grunted dubiously and seemed more than a little frustrated already. "If you need me, I'll be gratifying myself in the guest bedroom." He turned with a sigh and plodded into the hall.

"Pippin?"

Pippin turned and glowered at his cousin. "What is it, Merry?"

"Since we're not officially engaged yet, I imagine it would be all right if we--if you spent the night with me, just one more time."

Pippin had Merry fully undressed in the hall before they both stumbled into their bedroom. They took full advantage of their last night together and woke up exhausted the next morning.

Merry reluctantly saw Pippin off to North Farthing, then walked to Brandy Hall. When Merry faced Saradoc again, he uttered the last three words he would ever directly address to the old Master until his death, five years hence: "You win, Father."

The old Hobbit had a triumphant smirk on his face as he handed his son his grandmother's pearl ring. "I'm so glad you decided to be wise, Meriadoc."

The Bucklanders had feared it would rain on the Master's birthday party and they would all be forced into the crowded great hall, but the day had turned out to be fine and dry. Hundreds of Hobbits gathered in the field next to Brandy Hall expecting the most excellent food and drink, the best presents, and unfortunately, the longest speeches of all the great parties in the Shire.

Before the festivities began, Estella Bolger made her way through the tangle of benches and pavilions to greet her very pregnant friend who had just waved at her across the field. Estella embraced Rosie Gamgee warmly, but could hardly get her arms around her. "Rosie, you look as if you're about to burst!"

"Oh, I wish I would," Rosie replied with fatigue in her voice. "He's kicking up a storm today." Estella guided Rosie to a cushioned chair and pulled another one close so she could put her feet up.

"'He'?" said Estella. "I suppose you are carrying low. Have you picked out a name for him yet?"

Rosie looked down at her swelled feet and bit her lip. "Well, we were just thinking about calling him Merry. Sorry."

Estella waved away her concern and smiled. "You don't have to apologize. He's your friend; one of the Travellers, it's only natural."

"I would love it if you would come to stay at Bag End for a week or two," Rosie said, apparently eager to change the subject. "Sam's so busy with his new job and it would be nice to have another adult to talk to."

"I'd be happy to come, Mistress Mayor--"

Rosie flushed proudly at the mention of Sam's new position as Mayor of Michel Delving.

Estella held up a warning finger. "As long as there's no matchmaking."

Rosie pouted very much like Estella had seen little Elanor Gamgee do on occasion. "Oh, just one little match?"

"No!"

Rosie took her friend's hand and squeezed it. "Stella, you've got to stop waiting for him."

"I'm not waiting for him," she said lightly, unsure if it was a lie or not. "I gave up on him a long time ago. I just like being a bitter old maid."

When Sam returned to Rosie's side with little Elanor, Frodo, and Rose in tow, Stella left Rosie and took a seat on the bench beside her brother. Fred (she refused to call him 'Fatty' as everyone else did) was busy making a wager with Folco Boffin that the Master's speech would last fifteen minutes longer than last year's record of two hours and fifty-two minutes.

They offered Estella a piece of the action, but she declined. She sipped her wine and looked up just as Merry passed by their table. She felt the familiar pang she always did when she looked at him, but this time he turned and smiled at her. Estella felt her heart beating in her throat and was afraid she might choke. She thought she heard him ask, "Are you enjoying yourself?" but it was impossible to hear over the din of the party.

Estella nodded and raised her glass. Merry smiled again and mouthed 'good', then his presence seemed to be required elsewhere. When he was out of sight, she drained her glass and reached for more wine.

Why do I do this to myself, year after year? she asked. And for what? Ten seconds of his grand attention. Rosie's right, I've got to get over him. Estella vowed to herself then and there that as soon as this excruciating day was over she'd accompany the Gamgees to Bag End and let Rosie match her up with whomever she liked. Anything to get her mind off Merry.

Eight long years ago, on the day of Sam and Rosie's wedding, Merry as good as proposed to her. Six months after that, Estella received a visit in Budgeford from her almost-betrothed. Merry apologized profusely for leading her on and giving her false hope. He told her what a wonderful lass she was and he was certain some other Hobbit lad would make her a fine husband someday.

Estella had been coldly polite that day, hiding the immeasurable wound Merry had 'unwittingly' inflicted upon her. She tried to hate him, but she couldn't; nor could she reclaim her affections. Ever since that day her heart had been in a kind of limbo. But now it was time to move on. She raised her glass again in a silent toast to herself as Old Saradoc Brandybuck hobbled to the platform to make his yearly birthday speech. She clapped and hoped, as they all did (except Fred), that it would be a short one this year.

The Master waved his hand for silence. "You'll be happy to know that you'll all be spared a windy speech this year--" A deafening cheer rose from the crowd followed by good-natured laughter. "I yield the floor to my only son and heir who has an important announcement to make."

Estella let out a groan as Merry started talking about responsibility and doing one's family duty. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him take a small box out of his pocket, wrapped in a red ribbon. Estella looked away; she picked up her wine glass and drained it, her confidence of a moment ago already waning. Merry's words meant nothing to her anymore, so she could easily drown them out from years of practice. But the cadence of his voice was like a bittersweet melody that still had the power to affect her heart.

"Stell," her brother said urgently as he pulled her up off the bench.

"What is it Fred?" She looked up and saw Merry standing there in front of her. He was holding out the small box that had an antique pearl ring in it.

"Say 'yes' Stell," Fred prompted.

Estella looked around and found everyone staring at her. She regarded Merry and her brother with confusion. "What was the question?"

Merry had to repeat his proposal twice before Estella finally understood what he was asking and accepted. They were now sitting under the great pavilion at the Master's table to celebrate.

"Are you certain this isn't some sort of cruel joke?" Estella asked with a nervous giggle.

"Of course not," Merry replied, catching a dirty look from Rosie over Estella's shoulder.

"It had better not be," Fatty said jovially, but Merry heard the slightest hint of a threat in his voice. "I've been trying to get her off the shelf for years."

Estella smiled at her brother's joke but seemed embarrassed. Merry took her hand and looked deeply into her large brown eyes. "I don't blame you for not trusting me completely, but I swear to you this marriage will happen. As soon as Pippin returns from North Farthing, we'll set a date."

Merry suddenly felt a strong hand on his shoulder. It was Sam. "May I have a word with you, Merry?"

Merry almost flinched at the seething anger in Sam's eyes. "Can't it wait, Sam?"

Sam tightened his grip on Merry's shoulder until he was sure it would hurt. "I'm afraid not. Pressing Shire business, you know."

Merry excused himself and let Sam lead him to a lonely corner of Brandy Hall, well out of earshot of the party guests

"What in the devil is going on here, Merry?" Sam demanded. "Are you and Pippin not...? Have the two of you called it quits?"

Merry shifted from foot to foot. "Well, sort of."

"Sort of? What does that mean?" Sam continued to glare at Merry with his arms folded across his chest.

"We've stopped bedding each other."

"How long has it been?"

Merry flashed a sheepish smile. "Almost a day now."

Sam shook his head in disgust.

"Well, that's good for us!" Merry replied defensively.

"I suppose it helps that Pippin isn't here," said Sam. "I still don't understand why you decided to get engaged all of a sudden?"

"It's expected, Sam. Pippin's halfway to Long Cleeve by now to collect his future bride."

Sam's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I don't know what the two of you are up to, but this is wrong."

Merry put a friendly hand on Sam's shoulder, but he shrugged it off. "You don't understand, it's different for us--"

"Because you're a Brandybuck and I'm only a lowly Gamgee?"

Merry shook his head. "What I mean to say is that Brandybucks and Tooks often marry for reasons other than love."

"That lass loves you," Sam said, raising his voice. "I can see it in her eyes! Does she know your heart belongs to Pippin?"

Backed against the wall, Merry went for the jugular: "I know you were in love with Frodo for years and still you married Rosie. Why is this any different?"

Sam face turned red with rage. "Nothing ever happened between Frodo and me!"

"That's your own fault, Sam," Merry said with a callous edge to his voice. "And now Frodo is gone."

Merry knew Sam was making an extraordinary effort not to hit him, even though Merry deserved it. "I love Rosie and I made a choice to be true to her. I know you and Pippin never learned this lesson, but now I think it's high time you both did: You can't always have everything you want just because you want it!"

It was the first sunny day of the year in Long Cleeve, even though Winter's chill had not entirely left North Farthing to the Spring. Chill or no, Diamond of Long Cleeve decided to take full advantage of the flattering sunlight. She had been sitting in the garden with her grandmother for only a quarter of an hour before half a dozen lovesick Hobbit lads flocked to her family's smial. For Diamond was far and away the prettiest Hobbit lass in North Farthing, a fact grudgingly admitted by plainer lasses who hated her from the top of her silken red curls to the bottom of her dainty furry feet.

No matter what the temperature, Diamond always used her hand fan to great advantage. There wasn't a Hobbit lad in the Shire who could resist her hazel eyes peeking out from the top of her hand-painted fan her father had brought her all the way from Bree.

Roby Handyfoot, a dull, but handsome young Hobbit, was leaning in to whisper a sweet nothing in Diamond's ear, when Diamond caught the unmistakable whiff of fabulous wealth coming down the road--and if her sensitive nose was right, there was also a pretty jewel in the mysterious Hobbit's pocket.

Sure enough, five minutes later Diamond's uncanny olfactory talents were proved right. Her distant cousin, Peregrin Took, rode up on a fine pony looking dashing in the King's livery--well, as dashing as it was possible for a ridiculously large Hobbit to look.

He was here to propose, Diamond could feel it in her pretty bones! She had been primed and prepped for this moment all her life when the future Thain would ask her to marry him. So naturally, Diamond ignored him.

She turned away from the rider and continued to chat nonsensically with her swarm of beaus until even they had turned their attention to the tall, liveried Hobbit tapping his foot impatiently on the grass.

Diamond finally looked up and gave Pippin her most dazzling smile. "Oh, dear cousin Peregrin, I didn't see you standing there! What a pleasant and entirely unexpected surprise!"

Inexplicably, Pippin seemed unmoved by her ethereal beauty and continued to look down on her grimly. Perhaps he was just tired. Poor dear. Poor, rich dear! She giggled.

"Diamond, may I speak to you alone?"

She fanned herself and batted her eyes coquettishly. "Surely, Cousin, anything you have to say can be said in front of my friends."

Pippin rolled his eyes. "I'll be inside whenever you're ready. I suppose I should speak to your father first anyway." Pippin trudged to the round front door and was instantly admitted by Diamond's fawning mother.

As soon as the door was closed, Diamond's smile faded and she turned on her suitors with a voice that would frighten a harpy: "What are you staring at, you silly fools?" She hit the nearest two with her fan. "Go home!" As they scattered like a pack of scared mice, Diamond smoothed out her dress and prepared to meet her destiny.

"You're not leaving me out here, are you?"

Diamond sighed in irritation and helped her grandmother inside, convinced that her perfect entrance was now ruined.

To be continued....