Chapter Three: Caught

After they had been discovered in bed together by their now-prostrate, Hobbit-brides-to-be, Merry and Pippin dressed quickly and tried not to think about the lingering consequences of their reckless behavior. Merry carried Estella to the sofa in the parlor, while Pippin revived Diamond and helped her to a chair at the kitchen table. "Would you like some tea, Diamond?"

Diamond held her head and glared at Pippin so evilly it made him flinch. "I don't think tea will quite do it."

"No, I suppose not." Pippin searched the pantry for a strong cordial. He poured her a small glass and a double portion for himself. As he sat down, Diamond grabbed his glass from him instead and emptied it.

She sat with her eyes closed, enjoying the first effects of the alcohol. She opened her eyes after several minutes and leaned across the table. Pippin recoiled slightly.

"Just so we're clear," she said, "you're not coming near me with that thing."

"What thing is that?" Pippin asked.

Diamond glanced down at his crotch. "That thing."

Pippin looked down at himself then back at Diamond. "Oh, uh, all right."

"I never even knew lads could do it with each other," Diamond said almost conversationally, leaning back in her chair. "Merry was really going at you. Did it hurt?"

Pippin covered his eyes with his hand and shook his head. "I don't think we should be discussing this."

"You were doing it, not me." Diamond laughed. "All of a sudden you're shy about it?"

The absurdity of the situation suddenly struck Pippin; he started to snicker. "No, it didn't hurt."

"I never realized just how revolting lads look with their clothes off," she said, shuddering at the memory.

Pippin mumbled, "Sorry," then wondered why on Middle-earth he'd just apologized to her.

Diamond waved her hand charitably. "Well, you can't help it. A lass's body is so much more elegant and beautiful, don't you think?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued, "I wonder if lasses ever bed each other. It would certainly be a prettier sight than finding the two of you rutting each other like, like...no animal I've ever seen in my life." She stuck out her lower lip and started to pout. "And this was starting out to be such a good day. Estella and I were becoming such good friends. I never had a lass for a friend before."

"Not even in Long Cleeve?" Pippin asked, grateful to change the subject.

She shook her head. "All the girls hated me because I stole their beaus from them."

Pippin suppressed a laugh. "How inconsiderate of them."

Much to Pippin's surprise, Diamond actually picked up on his sarcasm. "Well, I can't help it if I'm stunning." She looked down at her empty glass, suddenly unsure of herself. "Why do you want him instead of me?"

Pippin regarded her with some astonishment. Diamond's unexpected and seemingly sincere insecurity made her almost...well, appealing. "It would take a week to explain, but Merry means everything to me."

"Poor Stella. He means everything to her too." Before Pippin could marvel at her spontaneously compassionate remark, Diamond's lower lip started to quiver. "It's not fair! Everyone loves Merry and no one loves me!"

"But Diamond," Pippin said, chuckling, "you don't love me either."

"I know, but that's entirely different." She looked up at him sheepishly and started to giggle, then held out her glass. "May I have another one of those drinks, please?"

Merry tried to adjust the pillows on the sofa to make Estella more comfortable, but she pushed him away. She managed to sit up; though it was obvious she was still feeling a bit woozy. "Tell me, Merry, was Pippin the reason why you called things off between us eight years ago?"

He nodded, unable to look her in the eye.

"Why didn't you tell me then?"

Merry shifted his position on the floor, and became unduly fascinated by a loose thread on the rug. "I didn't want to hurt you."

Estella snorted. "Oh, you hurt me; what made it worse was not knowing why."

"I just didn't know how to tell you--"

A look of realization came to Estella's eyes. "You thought I'd tell tales, that's why you didn't tell me the truth."

Merry shrugged guiltily. "That was part of it, I suppose."

A few tears ran down her cheeks. "You've known me all my life and you think that little of me."

Merry finally managed to look at her. He touched her cheek, but she rebuffed him. "I think the world of you. I really do love you."

Estella shook her head. "If that were true you would have told me the truth and you would not have proposed to me. I can think of a dozen Hobbit lasses who would be thrilled to be your wife and would happily overlook anything you and Pippin might do. Why did you propose?"

Merry let out a deep sigh and met her eyes. "My father discovered the nature of my relationship with Pippin and demanded we marry or he would have us driven out of the Shire. Even though we have powerful friends in the South we couldn't rely on them to protect us from Men who would likely use us or kill us if they discovered our bond."

"But why me?" The pain in Estella eyes was almost too much for him to bear.

Merry was tempted to take her hand, but stopped himself. "Because you've always been the only lass I've ever wanted to marry."

"And you always get what you want." Estella pulled the pearl ring off her finger and threw it at him. "Here's your damned ring!" Then she stood up unsteadily and pushed passed him towards the door.

"Stella, please don't leave," Merry called after her.

A few seconds later, Diamond hurried out of the kitchen, followed by Pippin.

Diamond ran out the door, calling after her friend. "Stella, please don't go! It's getting dark. Besides, I'm too tired and drunk to walk all the way to Brandy Hall."

"We're going to Bridgefields and we'll take a pony," Estella replied, her voice shaking. "I'm not staying here a moment longer!"

"How far is Bridgefields?"

"Twenty miles."

Diamond took Estella by the shoulders. "Instead of trudging all that way, why don't we stay here? We can plan their complete and utter destruction tonight and exact our revenge in the morning. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Estella slumped to the grass and started to cry inconsolably. Diamond was momentarily at a loss, but then she rested Estella's pretty head in her lap and stroked her hair. Estella clung to Diamond's skirts desperately as her sobs shook her delicate frame.

Pippin stopped Merry from going outside. "There's no fixing this one, Merry."

"Why didn't we just leave, Pippin?"

Pippin shrugged helplessly. "I never thought I'd say this, but we're lucky Diamond is here."

While Merry cooked dinner, Pippin readied the guest bedroom for the two lasses. Over the years, the two Travellers had thrown many parties in the little cottage, but this could hardly be called a party. More like the quiet before the final battle. But Estella and Diamond held all the weapons; Merry and Pippin were quite literally at their mercy.

During dinner, Estella shot daggers at Merry all through the meal. Merry couldn't think of a thing to say that wouldn't make matters worse, so he looked down at his plate and picked at his food.

Diamond's appetite was unaffected by the tension. "Stella, dear, why don't you try the creamed mushrooms, they're delicious."

"I hate you, Merry," Estella said with venom.

"If it makes you feel any better," Merry said, clearly injured by her attack, "I'm not overly fond of myself at the moment."

"That's a first!" She snorted. "I really, really hate you." Estella took a deep cleansing breath and smiled. "My, that was liberating. If I had known it would feel so good, I would have hated you years ago."

"Here's to hating Merry!" Diamond toasted, clinking glasses with Estella, then both lasses drained their drinks.

In an effort to take a little of the pressure off Merry, Pippin said good-naturedly: "Well, I'm feeling rather left out, doesn't anyone hate me?"

Estella shook her head. "You merely disgust me, Pippin."

Pippin turned to Diamond. She cocked her head to one side and considered the question. "No, I don't think I do." She held out her empty glass. "May I have another one of those drinks?"

Pippin reluctantly poured her another cordial.

"I was thinking," continued Diamond, "that you and I could still get married."

Pippin and Estella looked appalled. Merry just shook his head in amazement.

"Here me out," Diamond pleaded. "It would be the perfect solution for both of us. I could still be the Thain's wife and you could continue to satisfy your urges elsewhere."

Pippin looked more than dubious. "Even if I did agree to that, you'd still have to...I would need an heir."

"I've thought about that as well." Diamond smiled in a way that always made Pippin a little uneasy. "Since we've already agreed that you are not coming near me with that thing--"

Pippin rolled his eyes. "I wish you would stop calling it that."

"As I was saying, surely there's some handsome young Hobbit stable lad who could service me instead." Both Diamond and Estella burst out in a derisive cackle. All Merry and Pippin could do was sit there and endure it.

"I could do with a smoke," Estella said, stretching. "Join me, Diamond?"

Diamond turned to Pippin. "Two pipes and a bag of your best pipe-weed, if you please, Pippy."

Pippin dropped his fork on his plate with an annoyed clatter. "Of course, milady, anything for you."

Diamond grinned devilishly. "You see, Stella, I have him trained already."

Pippin turned on her, infuriated. "I've never hit a lass before, but--"

"Pippin!" Merry and Estella exclaimed in unison.

Diamond didn't seem the least bit bothered by Pippin's threat. In fact, she seemed rather delighted.

"Just give them whatever they want," Merry said wearily.

Estella leaned across the table until her face was just a few inches from Merry's. "How very generous of you, Master Meriadoc, the Grand Prize of Buckland, but I don't need any favors from you." Diamond took her by the arm and led her outside onto the porch.

Every harsh word from Estella was like a knife in Merry's heart, but he had forfeited the right to defend himself. At least Pippin was there. His presence was almost enough to make Merry believe he might live through the evening.

A short while later, the sound of coughing heralded Diamond's return indoors. She shoved the pipe into Pippin's hands and sat down in a chair to recover. "I thought smoking was supposed to be fun."

Pippin looked at the pipe in his hand, then at Merry. He gave Merry a smile full of love and support, then went outside to sit with Estella on the porch.

Diamond coughed her way into the kitchen and was irritated to discover that there was only a few drops left of the cordial she had been drinking all evening. Merry poured her a glass of wine instead. She said, "thank you," with an overly-dramatic wheeze and sat down at the table.

Merry sat across from her, hesitating before asking the question that had been weighing on his mind. "Diamond, do you really want to marry Pippin after what happened today?"

"I most certainly do." she replied. "He made me a promise and I intend to hold him to it."

"But do you love him, even a little?"

Diamond tilted her head to one side in thought. "I came very close to loving him during dinner when he threatened to hit me."

Merry shook his head. "You are the strangest lass I've ever met."

"You don't understand," Diamond told him. "All the lads in North Farthing are so mild. They would do anything I wished without a word of complaint. Pippin fights back, even though I know he would never dare lay a hand on me. I like him better than any Hobbit lad I've ever known."

"Pippin deserves a lass who loves him with all her heart!" Merry said with sudden anger. "He's far too good for you. You're nothing but a gold digger!"

Diamond stood up and shot Merry one of her infamous looks of displeasure, but Merry just returned it in kind. "Don't try to take the moral high-ground with me, Meriadoc Brandybuck! Pippin and I have been quite clear with each other about our relationship from the very start. He needs a wife and I need to marry well. It's all a lass has, you know, the ability to marry as well as she can. And you had the love of the dearest creature in Middle-earth and you threw it away. For some reason Stella still loves you, though you hardly deserve it!"

Because Merry's heart had been so wounded by all the vitriolic comments Estella had hurled at him tonight, the thought that she still had feelings for him never occurred to him. "She told you that?"

"Not in so many words. While we were sitting outside just now I asked her. She didn't respond so I have to assume that she does."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's easy for a lass to say, 'No Diamond, I hate his stinking guts'; but it's quite a different matter for a fine lass like Stella to admit she's still in love with a scoundrel."

Merry was a bit alarmed when he found himself thinking that Diamond's explanation sounded entirely logical. "But Stella called off the engagement and threw the ring at me."

"And you got your feelings hurt," Diamond said in a mocking tone, "poor little Hobbit. Well, none of this would have happened if you hadn't left her this morning. How could you do that after hurting her so last night when she couldn't...accommodate you, if you take my meaning? She felt like there was something wrong with her, but it was really all your fault for becoming abnormally large. I convinced her to come here and tell you so."

Merry glared at Diamond fiercely. "I suspected I had you to thank for this disaster."

"You're quite welcome," she answered smugly. "I'm glad she called it off. She's far too good for you. You won't even fight to get her back." With a toss of her red curls, Diamond left the kitchen and slammed the door to the spare bedroom.

"Do you mind if I join you?" Pippin asked politely.

Stella glanced at him quickly then continued puffing on her pipe. "Suit yourself."

He settled himself next to her, filled his pipe and lit it. "I don't know what to say, Stella. An apology seems so inadequate."

Estella emptied her spent pipe. Pippin held out the bag of pipe-weed helpfully. She hesitated, but took it from him. "You don't owe me an apology, Pippin. We were never actually friends, were we? I'm beginning to understand why."

Pippin had to agree. "I was always so jealous of you," he admitted.

"I don't know why," she said. "Merry's always loved you best, though I was more envious of you than jealous. You got to go with him to fight the War of the Ring, while I stayed here to spin wool and keep house for Fred. I had no idea we were both trying to win Merry's heart, or that you were the victor."

"But now it's time for Merry and I to put that behind us."

Estella laughed mirthlessly. "Is that what the two of you were doing today? Putting it behind you?"

Pippin had no words to defend their actions, so he didn't try. "In spite of what you said at dinner, I know you still love him. I think you and Merry could be happy together. I wish you'd reconsider."

Estella paused and gazed at Pippin as if she was seeing him in a new light; then she shook her head. "And what if I find the two of you in bed together again? I couldn't bear it."

Pippin turned to Estella and put his hand on her arm. She took notice of it, but she didn't pull away. "Stella, if you decide to marry him, I swear by--by Lord Boromir's sword that I will never touch him again."

Pippin thought he saw her resolve weakening, then she turned away from him. "That's a lovely promise, Pippin, but why should I trust you? You still love and desire each other intensely. I can almost feel it when you're in a room together."

"I am capable of keeping an oath when it's important," Pippin said, strangely offended. He sighed and took a more gentle tone. "I'd like for us to be friends, Stella. Merry really does love you and so does Diamond. According to Merry, you've been a wonderful influence on her. We all need you."

Estella placed her pipe in Pippin's hand and pressed his fingers over it as if she was giving him a precious jewel. "You'll manage well enough, Pippin. I'm going to bed."

Estella hurried through the hallway, but her escape into the guest bedroom was thwarted when Merry darted out into the hall from the kitchen in front of her. "What do you want, Merry?"

"You," he replied, "since you asked."

Estella sighed and tried to push past him, but he refused to move.

"Diamond's become a very good friend to you, much to my amazement."

"Don't tell me she put you in your place and I missed it?" Estella asked with a satisfied grin.

"I'm afraid so," Merry said with a smile. "I don't want to lose you, Stell. Please give me a chance to fix this."

Estella folded her arms across her chest and looked up at him sternly. "I'm going to bed, Merry, then I'm leaving this place at first light tomorrow."

"And I'm sleeping in the hallway by the front door," Merry told her cheerfully, "so you can't leave without me knowing it."

One side of Estella's mouth curled in a wry smile. "I'll just use the back door then."

Merry slapped his thigh. "Thank you for reminding me to bolt the back door so you can't open it."

"I suppose I'll just crawl out of the window," she countered, trying not to giggle.

"And I'll put metal bars on all the windows," Merry said mischievously, "then you'll be my prisoner." They both started to snicker, then broke out into full-blown laughter.

"Don't be stupid, Merry," Estella said. "I wouldn't miss hearing what you have to say for all the pipe-weed in the Shire."

Merry noted the sarcasm in her voice, but he didn't let it dampen his determination. He moved aside and let Estella pass. "I'll see you in the morning. I love you."

Estella turned. "Merry, are you really going to sleep in the hallway?"

"Well, actually I was going to sleep in the parlor with my feet sticking out into the hallway; just in case Diamond decides to try to step on my head in the middle of the night."

"What about...Pippin?"

"He'll be sleeping in the bedroom," Merry assured her. "What happened today will never happen again, I swear it."

Estella smiled uncertainly and nodded. She opened her mouth to say something, but she changed her mind. "Good night, Merry."

To be continued....