Summary: My take on why Bosco and Sully don't get along. Takes place shortly after Bosco graduates from the Police Academy
Disclaimer: I don't own Third Watch or any of its characters.
A/N: This story was previously posted on another Third Watch site but no longer available there. I was encouraged to post it here by Joey and Orison.
Thanks for your wonderful reviews.
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I
need to erase it all. I need to shut down, never to feel again or to
remember just like I promised myself in that godforsaken place. My
insides feel like stone, hard and unforgiving. I reach for my glass
and bring it to my lips. I take a swig of the golden liquid and allow
myself to feel the burning sensation as it rushes down my throat.
I
signal for another one but the bartender shakes his head no. He
removes the empty glass and turns away. I'd forgotten about Sully's
orders to the bartender. I watch him as he moves towards the phone.
I shout at him, "S'okay...I'm
goin'..." He looks back at me, the receiver in his right hand.
His orders are to call Sully if I get too drunk but Sully won't be
coming to get me tonight.
I toss a few
bills on the counter and I leave the bar. It's okay. I don't need
them. I don't need any of them. Not Sully, or Stevie or Ma or
Mikey. They all wanna fix me, but they don't wanna help me. I start
walking into the cold night air. I have no set destination. I just
wander around aimlessly.
I lose all
feeling in my body but more importantly I lose all feeling in my
soul. Nothing matters anymore. I don't care about anything and I
don't want anyone to care about me. I just need to shut down for a
while and I need a few more drinks just to knock me out.
I
look up at the street sign. I'm right by Faith's apartment. She
told me I could come anytime and here I am. I walk up to her building
and drag myself up the stairs, once inside I try to recall which door
belongs to her.
I think I know and knock.
I stand there not knowing what the hell I'm doing here at this time
of the night. Slowly the door opens and I see Faith's eyes staring
back.
"Bosco?" She opens the door
quickly and I see her holding Charlie in her arms. "Bosco, what's
the matter?" She eyes me worriedly and grabs my arm to pull me into
the apartment. She leaves me standing by the door as she goes back
towards the bedrooms.
I make my way into
her kitchen and open the fridge door. I search for beer and am not
disappointed. I knew Fred would keep the fridge well stocked. I
fumble around for a bottle opener when Faith reappears beside me. She
looks concerned as she asks, "Bosco, are you okay?" Her eyes move
down to my hands as I try to open the bottle. Once that task is
accomplished I guzzle down the beer as quickly as I can.
She doesn't understand. She can't understand. I open the fridge again and grab a few more bottles and place them on the counter. I open the next one and once again down it as quickly as I can.
"Bosco, what's wrong?"
I turn to look at her. "Nothing," I whisper.
She doesn't try and stop me as I open another bottle. She waits patiently by my side. I feel my head swimming as I finish it quickly. She holds me by the elbow and guides me over to the couch. Luckily, I have the presence of mind to bring another beer with me.
I flop lazily on the couch and I feel my body floating. The darkness reaches out for me and I'm finally ready to surrender to it. I'm ready to let it all go. I'm ready to never remember. I'm ready to beat the bastard at this own game. I'm ready to stop feeling.
I look out at the room; Faith sits on the coffee table in front of me. The colour of her eyes and hair has all faded to grey. Everything is dark and grey, everything I see, everything I feel, everything from the inside out. I lift the bottle to my lips and let the beer flow into me. I feel my eyes shut and the darkness come to claim me. I let the bottle drop from my lifeless fingers and I hear Faith talking to me as the liquid spills over and onto my chest. I let it go. I let it all go.
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I feel a small hand on my face. It reminds me of sunshine and laughter and for a brief moment I believe...I slowly open my eyes and see a child peering curiously at my face. A small smile spreads across her mouth as she tilts her head to the other side. She is so beautiful.
I remember...I remember how beautiful she was, how loving they all were, how bright the colours were, the freshness of the air, the sensation of their hands, the feeling of belonging. These things I let myself forget. No, these things I made myself forget. These things I didn't want to feel again.
The wind carries their voices over the short distance. I look back as they chase after us. Their high-pitched squeals and giggles make me smile. I wink at Stevie as they come running and crashing right into us.
I feel their hands all over me. My weariness disappears as their smiles reach my eyes. The joy and exuberance they display is the perfect antidote for the tiredness pulling me down.
I lick my cracked, dry lips. The dust swirls dance around us as the children jump excitedly. I start to mimic their antics and they laugh even harder when they see me jumping up and down just like them.
Tiny hands reach up and pull at my jacket. I feign ignorance as they all shout and yell at me. Their voices are like music, like a choir of angels.
I motion for them to quiet down. They all huddle closer and shush each other so not to miss a sound. I motion to Stevie who comes over and takes my rifle and pack from me.
"Bosco, are you ever gonna grow up?" He asks jokingly and then adds, "I'm not waiting for you...you hear...I'm not getting in trouble for you again."
"Yeah, yeah..." I wave him off.
I drop to my hands and knees and the littlest ones jump up on my back. I grunt under their weight. There must be five of them up there. I snort and whinny as I try to buck them off. They laugh and shout as they hold on for dear life. When it becomes too much for my aching muscles, I drop down on to my stomach. I pretend to fall into an exhausted sleep. Okay, I don't need to fake it after a gruelling 10-mile hike in 100-degree weather.
Small
hands pull at me and manage to roll me onto my back. I feel them
searching through my pockets for their gold. Luckily, most of the
other guys offered their chocolate when I asked them for it and I
strategically hid them throughout my jacket.
Shrieks
of delight waft over me as small hands burrow deep into my pockets
and I allow myself to stare up at the sky. Today, soft white clouds
float by. They are magnificent. I never noticed the clouds in New
York; maybe I'll look up more often when I get back.
I
let my eyes drift shut as I am embraced by this joy. Eventually,
their small voices leave me as they run off to share their prized
possessions with their families. I feel soft, gentle hands caress my
face. I look up and see Squirt, she is the only one left. She grins
knowingly and holds out her hand. She knows I saved one just for her.
Her soft, chocolate eyes smile down at me and she traces my eyes, my
dusty nose and my cracked lips with her fingers. I reach into one of
my back pockets and pull out an entire chocolate bar. She giggles
excitedly as she takes the bar from my hand and hides it in her dress
but she doesn't leave my side.
She
calls out to her brother who scurries away quickly. I watch the
clouds float by as she talks to me gently. I am too tired to move.
Her brother returns with a cup full of water and he offers it to me.
Squirt traces my lips again; she sees how dry they are from the hike
and she pushes the cup towards me. I take it gratefully and drink it
in one big gulp. It is the sweetest water I've ever tasted.
She
gently smoothes the calluses on my palms and the scrapes on my
knuckles as I hand her the cup. It's been so long since I've been
touched I'd almost forgotten the feeling. This is the happiest I've
felt in a long time. I lie back and revel in the moment because I
don't want it to end just yet.
My
unit is getting further away and I hear my squad leader yelling for
me. Stevie waves to the kids to get me up. Squirt and her brother
each take one of my hands and attempt to pull me to my feet. I let
them struggle for a few seconds and then pull myself into a sitting
position. They laugh and point to Stevie as he motions to me wildly.
They push me from behind as I stand and move me towards my unit. I
turn around and run backwards. They laugh uncontrollably as they
watch me wave goodbye.
Oh God, it
hurts. It hurts to remember. I close my eyes in shame.
My
chest seizes with fear. Cold iciness floods my veins and my very
being as I fight to push it all away. Oh God, what have I done?
"Emily, what are you doing?" Faith
shouts from the other room.
Her small
face nears mine as she peers into my eyes. "Mommy, Uncle Bosco's
having a bad dream." She continues to stroke my cheek as she coos
to me softly, "it's okay...its okay, Uncle Bosco." She says as
if she's imitating her mother.
If I
could make myself stop breathing, I would, to stop this pain.
"Bosco?" Faith enters the room
holding Charlie in one arm. She sets him down in his playpen and
comes over towards me. She pulls Emily away and touches her hand to
my forehead.
I don't feel her...I don't
feel a thing because the cold has taken over. I'm so cold. My
breathing becomes more laboured and I fight to get up.
"Bosco,
wait. Tell me what's wrong." Faith helps me to my feet as I look
for the door. "Bosco, where are you going?"
I
hold onto her and the back of the couch for support. She looks at me
worriedly and tries to hold me back but I can't stay here. I need
to rectify what I've done. "I'm...going back," I murmur
weakly.
She looks at me in confusion. I
push past her and latch on to the door. I manage to open it easily. I
stumble across the threshold as I hear Faith picking up the phone and
dialling.
I turn back and I watch Emily
as she stands in the doorway, waving goodbye.
My
eyes lose their focus and my thoughts drift into a haze of black as I
turn and make my way out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The river calls to me. Its black depths are endless to my eyes.
It
hurt so much to remember that I discarded everything and everyone,
every feeling and emotion connected to them. They deserved so much
more than this, so much more than me.
The
sun up above is cold and black. There is no warmth in the world I've
created. My thoughts are black. My heart is black. I have become what
I despised most in this world. I have become a monster like gap
tooth.
I stand motionless as I hear them
call to me. I feel like a child again, torn between two parents, each
pulling at me for their own reasons. On one side is gap tooth; he's
taunting me to tell everyone what he did. I don't want the world to
know of his evil, I can't let him win.
On
the other side the villagers stand silently watching me. They don't
speak but their pull is just as strong. They need me to be their
voice but I chose to cut myself off from them, from the pain.
I
feel the black veil descending down on me, suffocating the life out
of me. I can't breathe, I can't feel, I can't think. I won't
let him see me cry...I'll never let him know how much he hurt me.
I am powerless to stop him.
I'm finished, spent, and incapable of mutiny or rebellion. My body
is like dead weight, my soul like the darkness.
That's
when I build it; the shelter that will keep everything out and just
as importantly everything in. I bury myself deep under the rubble of
despair. There is no foundation; there is no exit. There is only
darkness, and nothingness. These things will protect me from myself.
They will protect me from him.
I
hear the villagers' screams but they mean nothing to me. I see the
blood but pray it is not mine.
My
eyes lose their focus. Sounds don't register except for my own
breathing. I am caught in this never land between living and dying.
That was my choice then.
My
feet bring me closer to the water. My breaths are much too harsh. I
can feel an immense pressure on my chest. It threatens to smother me.
My body is exposed to the elements; it is
cold to the point of shivering.
I look
for them. My eyes scan the shore in an effort to locate them. I don't
stop walking. I don't stop searching. They are not here.
Everything is black.
Awareness
returns to me like a jolt of electricity. My heart beats so fast it
flutters. The quiet is frightening and I pray for darkness again. I
try to steady my breathing. I don't want to open my eyes. I don't
want to give myself away.
I
hear his voice close by. I try to let myself fall back into the
darkness. It is my only escape.
Then, I
hear them coming. Their squeals are not joyous. Their shrieks are
panicked. Despite my best efforts, I feel the pain rushing into my
body and I can't help but open my eyes.
The
children...oh god...the children...
This
time it can be different. This time...I will let myself feel.
I
look for them in the water. I slide down the embankment. I brace my
feet against the ice and snow to stop at the bottom.
My
head turns from one side to the other. They have to be here. I didn't
come back for nothing. I didn't come all this way for nothing. They
have to be here.
I wade in slowly. The
assault begins as soon as I step into the water and I stop when the
pain invades me. It feels like knives and I know it will tear me
apart.
I close my eyes and steady my
breathing. I am afraid but determined. I'm going back.
He
grabs me by the collar. He drags me back to the river and I don't
even cry out for mercy. He only knows hate and evil. He grabs my hand
and takes my fractured fingers and twists and twists until I scream.
He forces me to look into their eyes.
Their
small bodies lie in the water. Brightly coloured clothes contrast
sharply against the darkness of the river. Their limbs buoy gently on
the surface. Their faces are frozen in silent terror.
The
water flows peaceful over their still forms. Their eyes stare up into
the deep blue sky, into the bright sunshine. How could this be? Why
is the sun still shining? Why are the stones not weeping? Can't
they see? Can't anyone see what he's done?
I
choke back the cries. The children.... I can't do this. I moan in
agony. I have to make it stop. I can't survive this pain.
Gap
tooth pulls my head back and laughs before shoving it into the water.
I am surrounded by their frightened voices, their hands grasp for me
in fear and pain. I try to fight him off. I need to get away form
here. The shelter I've built is not enough to protect me from this.
He pulls me back up and
stares right at me. I sputter and try to turn away. I can't stand
to look at him. He doesn't relent. He keeps repeating...remember
this...remember this...remember this...remember...
"No,"
I say tremulously and shake my head to show him. But he knows that I
can't stop him and he laughs, as do his men. This laughter is
tainted. They are all telling me...remember this...remember this...and
I try to hold them back with a shake of my head. I realize I don't
stand a chance.
I wheeze to try and
pull some air into my body. I can't tell whether the pain or the
fear is constricting my airway and I need oxygen to keep myself
upright so I can continue my search.
I am
ready. I continue my forward motion painfully. I can hardly lift my
feet and the push of the current menaces to bring me down. Please
god, let them be here. I need to do what I couldn't to then.
"Stop," I whisper hoarsely. I grab
at gap tooth. My enemy has become my saviour. He knows that I'll
promise him anything to make the pain stop.
He
nods to me and I hear him tell me, remember this...remember this...
"Yes," I mutter and let
mind float as my body slackens. I see the disgust and hatred in his
eyes as the grin disappears from his face. I beg him silently to end
this, my lips moving wordlessly. But he knows what I want and he nods
to me. He shoves my head down hard into the dark waters and I swallow
a sea of hurt knowing that I won't ever have to feel this pain
again.
I thought that would
be the end, and in my confused state I had no choice but to trust
him. I was painfully wrong, he never meant to keep his promise to me.
He never meant to kill me. Never.
I
hear my name. Someone is calling to me. I look down at the water. It
covers me to my hips. The river was never this deep. I must be
looking for them in the wrong place.
I
turn around slowly. I feel my body shaking violently. I look up and
see Faith. She stands on the shore calling to me. I can't make a
move towards her because my body is unable to act against this
moment. I have to go back. I can't stop now.
I
see her move towards me but she hesitates at the waters edge. "Bosco,
come back out." She waves her hand towards me and her face shows
the worry and concern she feels. But its too late for me, I'm to
far down this path and they deserve better.
My
mind whirls towards itself, towards the darkness. This time I'm
ready. I see him laugh his gap tooth laugh and scream to me 'remember
this'. For once my defiance is in my acceptance and I let it all
go. I let all my hatred for him go and turn towards the villagers.
My heart and soul are ripped in two and I
feel the intense agony of knowing. My body is unable to hold itself
up because the pain is radiating from the inside out. I choose to
remember...I choose to remember...these are my last thoughts as the
grief blinds me and my breath is cut short. I try to speak but am
unable to make a sound as I descend into the depths of my blackened
soul.
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"Bosco,"
Faith screams as see watches him navigate away from her and into the
treacherous waters of the icy river.
"Bosco,
please come back." She stops at the waters edge as if some
invisible barrier is keeping her from entering. The sheer danger of
going in after him is preventing her from moving. She looks around
for help, but her vision is obstructed by the height of the
embankment.
Her common sense is telling
her to stay put. She can't help him if the current drags them both
down but her nervousness increases as he staggers away from her and
deeper into the river. He won't be able to resist the cold for much
longer.
"Bosco." He doesn't bother
to turn and look back this time. She watches him intently, trying to
think of someway to help him. Her mind is racing as he stumbles and
lurches forward. He loses his footing and is pulled down below the
water.
"BOSCO." His hands flail as he
tries to regain his balance, but the current over powers him and he
sinks. Faith stares at the spot where he went down, praying he
resurfaces momentarily, but the seconds tick by without any sign of
him.
"BOSCO." Her eyes scan the river
desperately. She debates going in after him although she knows how
foolish that would be. Her body and mind are warring between staying
and going and the indecision immobilizes her.
"Faith."
She spins around quickly and sees Sully
scrambling down the embankment.
"Where
is he?" Sully's eyes are darting nervously from Faith to the
water.
"He's in there," Faith
shouts frantically and pointing ahead.
"In
the water?" The terror in Sully's question is evident.
Faith
nods her head and continues to stare at the point in the river where
she last saw Bosco.
"Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch!" Sully paces furiously from side to side. . His
mind is spinning uncontrollably with possibilities. He stops
suddenly, his training kicking in, and turns back to Faith. "Faith,
go get help."
Faith shakes her head no
but her body moves backwards towards the embankment.
Sully
senses her confusion and shouts at her. "Go, Faith! NOW."
Faith
stares at Sully for a moment before she understands his orders. She
nods and runs up the embankment and towards the street.
Sully
rakes his hand across his head as he struggles to breathe. He turns
back to the water and walks along the shore in the direction of the
current. He stops for a moment then rips his jacket off and strides
into the water. The iciness of the river cuts his breath and he is
unable to go in any deeper. His eyes flit anxiously over the surface
of the river.
"BOSCO!" He shouts at
the top of his lungs as he looks down river. He scans the surface of
the water for any sign of him. Time seems to be standing still as he
stands frozen to the spot. His fear increases as the situation begins
to look more and more impossible.
He
catches a glimpse of movement about 100 feet away and his chest
seizes with hope and dread all at the same time.
"Bosco..."
he murmurs inaudibly into the air.
He
moves back to the shore but never breaks the lock he has on the
distant flow of water. He starts to jog and then run towards it as he
realizes what he sees.
"BOSCOOOO!"
He runs as fast as he can before he comes
to a crashing halt, falling to his knees on the rocks in the shallow
water.
"Oh God! Bosco!" Sully grabs
Bosco's lifeless arms and struggles to haul his waterlogged and
boneless body completely out of the frigid water. Bosco's lips are
blue and his face is ashen. Sully pants as he let's go and watches
Bosco's arms flop limply to the ground.
"Bosco,
don't do this to me," Sully cries out and kneels next to Bosco's
still body. He shakes Bosco by the shoulders and watches a small
amount of water spill out of Bosco's mouth. The sight of the
trickling water spurs Sully into action.
"Bosco,
you gotta breathe," Sully yells. He pushes hard on Bosco's
abdomen. Bosco's head rolls back and to the side as his body arches
slightly from the pressure being applied. A gush of water exits
silently from his mouth.
Sully grunts
with the effort of trying to push down when his limbs are numb with
cold. He realizes that Bosco feels like ice to him and he pushes
aside his own pain and forges on. Twice more Sully presses forcefully
and each time foamy liquid spatters out of Bosco's mouth.
"C'mon
Bosco," Sully mutters breathlessly. On the next thrust Bosco coughs
and chokes as water spurts out of his mouth and nose. He groans
loudly as he tries to take in some air against the water choking him.
He coughs weakly and suddenly takes a huge wheezing breath. His eyes
open wide with fear.
"Bosco." Sully
takes a hold of Bosco's shoulders and pulls him on his side to ease
his coughing. He stares at Bosco and notices how frighteningly dark
his eyes have become.
Bosco begins to
shake uncontrollably and wheezes again as he fights to get air into
his weakened body. He tries to move his arms but shivering and
trembling overtake him and he is unable to control his movements. He
manages to turn his head towards the sun but groans deeply before
blinking away the light.
When he tires of this game, he drops me on the shore by the children and walks back towards his men. I lie there gasping for mercy. I just want this to end...oh god, please make this end.
I see gap tooth like a mirage in the distance, sitting with his men, unwrapping Squirt's chocolate bar. The chocolate bar I brought for her. Not for him. For her...for her...I brought it for her and the bastard took it off her dead body.
I don't want to cry. I hold it all in. I want to bury it in a deep dark place. My body jerks as I try to pull my mind away from this place and my hand brushes against one of the boys in the water. My mind stops struggling and my body stills as I turn my eyes to look at him. I owe him at least this much.
His hand is outstretched before me, calling to me to hold it. I shift my hand clumsily until I can grasp his fingers. I know how crazy this sounds, but although it's too late, I need to comfort him. I take his small hand in mine and feel a kind of peace invade me because I feel the forgiveness in his touch. The depth of his generosity overwhelms me and I am unable to pull away.
My heart fills with an agonizing void as my vision clouds over with a white haze. Shapes and colours fade and merge in a mesmerizing display. Sounds become muffled and distant but I recognize the voices calling to me. I hear the children whispering with their joyful sing-songy voices...remember this.
I remember how I didn't even try to help them when they needed me most. I remember how I closed myself off from their screams, from their fears, from their last breaths. I remember how I turned away and abandoned them and now...now, despite all this, they still forgive me.
Their voices call to me joyfully. Their hands reach for me and try to comfort me. Their eyes look for me and their smiles brighten my weariest moments.
I know what they need from me...and I choose to remember.
I take a painful breath and open my eyes. The darkness is gone and I am assaulted by life. The sunlight rushes into each of my senses. Colours blind me and threaten to slash into my brain. The dazzling crispness of the deep blue sky menaces to shatter me. The air around me devours me and fills me with intense pain. My skin is on fire and my lungs burn with every feeble breath.
I blink against the world and see a lone figure floating above me. I have found the courage to tell him what I couldn't say then. I try to speak but am wracked by the pain of being alive again. I choke and cough as I fight to tell him that I've made my choice.
"The ch-children," I stutter forcefully before a stabbing pain rips into me and renders me helpless to tell him over and over again that this time, he won't win.
TBC...