Farflung: Welcome back! I'm glad everything is o.k. (In the absence of news, I tend to worry that something dreadful has happened to kith and kin—my form of neuroticism, I guess.) Thank you so much for nominating "Got Milk" for an MPA humor award. I really appreciate it.
Karri: Hurrah! Both you and Farflung got the allusion to Harvey. But nobody noticed the Wizard of Oz reference. (Lip trembles.) As for a 'bitty' Anomen story, today's chapter is an elfling tale.
Vicki Turner: Thank you! (Author leaps and cavorts around the room.)
Lackwit: Thank you. I think that out of dialogue, action, and scenery, I probably do best at dialogue.
Dragonfly: In this chapter, you'll find out what exactly the twins do with those mushrooms.
Kelly Kragen: I have started on a story in which Aragorn poses the word problem to Erestor. Ai! It's fun to twit poor Erestor.
Joee: Herewith is a story in which Legolas and the twins try the mushroom.
Beta Reader: Dragonfly.
Note for New Readers: In The Nameless One series, Anomen is the name Legolas is known by during his years as an elfling at Rivendell before his real identity as the Prince of Mirkwood is revealed.
Gandalf had been Anomen's mentor ever since the wizard had found the elfling wandering in the woods of Imladris. Generally, this state of affairs was all to the good, for there was much that Gandalf could teach the young Elf. Sometimes, however, Anomen's respect for the Istar led him into trouble because he followed or imitated the wizard when he shouldn't have. On one unfortunate occasion, for example, Anomen and Elrohir had tried Gandalf's pipe. Both had gotten dreadfully ill as a result, and a terrified Elladan had had to run for help. Because of this incident and the resulting rebuke that he had received from Elrond, Gandalf had become very careful about putting up his pipe when he was not using it, and he was also careful not to smoke if any elflings were in the vicinity.
One day a very restless Gandalf arose quite early and decided that he needed a pipe. He slipped out of the Hall, looked about carefully, and slipped off into the woods. He walked much further into the forest than he normally did for the sake of evading the eyes of inquisitive elflings, but there was a reason for that. Gandalf usually packed his pipe with nothing more than weed from the Shire, but from time to time he added another ingredient. Today he went in quest of that ingredient, and he found it growing in a moist, shady patch at the foot of an oak tree.
"Ah," exulted Gandalf, "here's what I've been looking for! And very fine ones these be."
He stooped down and picked several mushrooms and laid them on a cloth to dry. Then, satisfied that he had more than enough of the fungi to replace what he was about to expend, he opened a pouch and shook out a dried mushroom that he had collected on a previous occasion. This he rolled between his fingers until it was thoroughly crumbled. The fragments he mixed with some pipeweed, and then he packed pipeweed and mushroom into the bowl of his pipe. He lit his pipe, and with a sigh of contentment he leaned back against the trunk of the oak tree.
"What dreams may come," he murmured between puffs on the pipe. Apparently, whatever dreams did come were pleasant ones, for he closed his eyes and smiled. "Mae govannen, mellon-nîn," he said after awhile, although the only creature who seemed to be present at the time was the vaporous horse that had taken shape from the smoke that the wizard had just exhaled.
Unbeknownst to Gandalf, this entire performance had been witnessed by his little elfling protégée. Anomen, too, had arisen early that morning. As was his custom when he wanted to slip out of the Hall earlier than the Door Warden would have liked, he had climbed out the bedroom window and down the trellis.
Now he crouched above Gandalf on a tree limb. He had watched, fascinated, as Gandalf had prepared his pipe. He saw how relaxed the wizard became as he smoked the mushroom preparation. He listened, amazed, as the Istar carried on a long, genial conversation with someone who—pardon the verb—appeared to be invisible. With equal amazement, he heard the wizard giggle from time to time. It was true that Gandalf did indulge in hearty laughter on occasion, but Anomen had never, ever, heard him giggle. For all the elfling had known, it was not physically possible for the Istar to make such a sound. But here he was making it—and repeatedly!
Anomen remained on his tree limb long after Gandalf had at last arisen and ambled away. At length he climbed down and knelt before one of the few mushrooms that Gandalf had not picked. He gazed at it thoughtfully for a time before tentatively poking it with his finger. He hastily withdrew the finger and stared at his hand. Then he reached his decision. He leaped to his feet, ran back to the hall, and quickly ascended the trellis and climbed back into the room he shared with Elladan and Elrohir. Within a short time, three elflings stood beneath the oak tree thoughtfully contemplating the mushrooms. At last Elrohir broke the silence.
"We ought to try one," he declared. "Mithrandir did, and it didn't do him any harm."
"But he smoked the mushroom," Elladan pointed out. "After what happened the last time, you surely don't want to steal Mithrandir's pipe again!"
This was true. Anomen and Elrohir had not forgotten how dreadfully ill they had been on that occasion when they had tried the wizard's pipe, so ill that they had thought they were dying.
"Well," Elrohir said slowly, "I suppose we could try inhaling its odor."
He picked up the mushroom and sniffed at it. Really, it didn't have any especial odor—a little musty, a little earthy, but that was probably from the soil that clung to it. He passed the fungus on to Anomen, who likewise sniffed it. Anomen then handed it off to Elladan, who, after a moment's hesitation, also took a whiff of it. Then the three stood looking expectantly at one another. After a few minutes, Elrohir shrugged.
"Nothing," he said in disappointment.
"We might as well give up and go back to the Hall," said Elladan.
"No!" protested Elrohir. He was not known for giving up easily.
"Perhaps," suggested Anomen, "perhaps we could divide the mushroom and each take a bite of it. Maybe eating it will work just as well as smoking it."
Elladan was dubious about this plan, but at length Elrohir and Anomen prevailed upon him to go along with it. They took the mushroom to a stream where they washed the dirt from it, and then carefully divided it into three pieces. Each took a section and nibbled upon it.
"It does taste good," observed Elladan hopefully. He took another tiny bite.
"Mmmmhuh," mumbled Elrohir around his piece of mushroom. After one careful nibble, he had crammed the rest of his portion into his mouth.
Anomen delicately nibbled all the way around his piece and then popped the remaining bite into his mouth. He chewed with his mouth closed, of course, and only after he swallowed the last piece did he speak.
"Delicious," he pronounced.
The three elflings grinned triumphantly one at the other. Suddenly Elladan pointed up into the oak tree.
"Look. There's a new sort of squirrel!"
"Black squirrel?" said Elrohir hopefully. Grey squirrels were common, and even red squirrels were seen with fair regularity, but it was a treat to see a black squirrel.
"No," exclaimed Elladan. "Purple!"
Excitedly, the elflings craned their necks to peer into the tree.
"I see it! I see it!" shouted Elrohir. "But you're wrong. It's not purple—it's blue!"
"You're both wrong!" shrieked Anomen. "It's green! But never mind the squirrel—look at that fox. It's striped!"
"Sure it's not a skunk?" said Elladan worriedly.
"No! No! Look! Just going into that thicket there!"
The twins caught sight of a truly magnificent sight: a fox with alternating stripes of scarlet and black.
Now Elrohir spied a doe through a break in the trees.
"Look," he exclaimed, pointing. "There's a horse of a different color!"
"Beautiful," enthused Elladan. "Anomen, don't you see it?"
Anomen, however, had suddenly crawled into a hollow log, where he lay whimpering.
"Spi-spi-spi-der," he gibbered. "Big as a Troll! Hairier than a Dwarf!"
Elrohir and Elladan looked about, but all they saw was a very tiny spider, an inoffensive one to boot, for it lacked poison.
"You're seeing things," scolded Elrohir. "There's no giant, hairy spider anywhere about."
"Snake! Snake!" screamed Anomen. "As, as thick as an oak tree and, and, and as tall as a pine!"
The twins searched the area carefully, but all they found was a worm-snake, which was not even a snake but a legless lizard. It was rather a large specimen for a worm-snake, but, still, it came nowhere near fitting the description stammered out by Anomen.
In vain Elladan and Elrohir tried to entice Anomen into exiting the log by describing the colorful creatures that kept happening by, so at last the twins gave up and wandered off in pursuit of more magical animals. Poor Anomen was left weeping and trembling in his hole.
After several hours, the effects of the mushroom began to wear off the twins, and they bethought themselves of their companion. They returned to the oak tree and found that Anomen was still cowering and crying in the hollow log. Anomen was younger than the other two elflings and much smaller and thinner to boot, so on him the effect of the mushroom had not even begun to wear off. No matter how Elladan and Elrohir pleaded, he still stubbornly refused to come out of the hollow log. Elrohir tried to pull him out by the ankles, but Anomen braced his elbows against the wood and could not be pried loose.
The situation was beginning to be alarming. The elflings had missed breakfast, and if they didn't show up for the noon meal, their father would send out searchers for them. He would not be happy when it was discovered that he had been forced to mount a rescue because his sons had been frolicking in the forest. Moreover, it was likely that Glorfindel would be tapped to head the search party. If the balrog slayer found them here, things would be very bad indeed!
"What are we to do?" said Elladan. "We shouldn't just leave him here, but if he won't come with us, what else are we to do?"
Elrohir looked wildly about, trying to come up with a solution to their quandary. Finally, he gazed down at his feet, at the log from which came the sound of whimpering. He had a sudden idea that was stunning in its brilliance (he thought).
"I know," he said brightly. "Logs are round. They roll. We can roll the log home with Anomen still in it!"
Elladan's face lit up.
"Of course! We won't have to pry him out of the log, but we can still move him along. How very clever."
Congratulating themselves at having solved their problem, the twins commenced pushing the log toward home. As it bumped and jounced over the uneven terrain, Anomen tried to shout in protest, but his breath kept getting knocked out of him before he could get out the words. Hearing no sounds from Anomen, Elladan and Elrohir kept rolling the log, certain that they were doing the right thing. When they had gotten past the trees and the going became easier, they were running as they propelled the log. Inside, Anomen had given up trying to get any words out and was now putting his entire being into bracing himself against the sides of the log, although, unfortunately, he was not very successful and so was being badly thrown about.
When this peculiar procession arrived at the grounds of the Hall proper, they came upon an incline that led down to a fountain in the garden. Elladan and Elrohir gave one last shove to the already rapidly rolling log and stood back in satisfaction, knowing they had brought their foster-brother safely home.
Unfortunately, they had not considered the steepness of the incline. Nor had they given any thought to the acceleration that takes place as an object rolls downhill. Faster and faster rolled the log. To the horror of the twins, they saw that the log, with Anomen trapped inside, was heading straight for a fountain—and they knew they could never run fast enough to stop it. Unfortunately and fortunately, Elrond, Gandalf, and Glorfindel were standing by said fountain. Unfortunately, because Elrohir and Elladan were going to be in great trouble. Fortunately, because these elders would be on hand to rescue Anomen. With this last bit of knowledge in mind, the twins abandoned the scene without a second's hesitation, diving into some nearby bushes, where they fully intended to spend the night.
As it happened, at this very moment, Anomen and the twins were the topic of discussion.
"So neither Anomen nor Elladan nor Elrohir have been seen the livelong day?" said Gandalf.
"No," said Elrond, "and if they don't show up for lunch, I'm going to ask Glorfindel here to go in search of them."
At that very moment, the balrog-slayer let out an exclamation and pointed at a log that was rolling down the hill toward them, picking up speed as it came.
"What in Middle-earth!?" exclaimed Elrond.
The two Elves and the wizard leaped aside, and the log smacked into the side of the fountain. It broke apart, and a small elfling was flung out and splashed into the fountain. Amazingly, Anomen, although badly bruised, was conscious, and he began to crawl toward the edge of the fountain. Elrond quickly knelt down and held out his arms to the dazed elfling. Anomen crawled into his arms—and threw up down the front of Elrond's robe.
"Eeeeew-yech!" gagged Glorfindel and Gandalf simultaneously. The wizard then vanished immediately. Elrond had noticed that Gandalf tended to make himself scarce whenever a disaster occurred that involved elflings and bodily fluids.
Since the fountain was at hand, Elrond and Glorfindel stripped Anomen and put him right back into it. After rinsing him off, they lifted him out again, and wrapped the elfling in Glorfindel's robe—Elrond had of course removed his and tossed it aside to be dealt with later—and the balrog-slayer then carried Anomen inside and put him to bed. As soon as Glorfindel and Anomen had disappeared into the Hall, Gandalf reappeared. Elrond glared at him, but then he turned his attention to Elladan and Elrohir, who he knew must be hidden thereabouts.
"This log did not roll itself from the forest," Elrond said grimly. He raised his voice. "Elrohir, Elladan, come out at once! You are only delaying the inevitable."
Shamefaced and frightened, the twins came out from the bushes where they had been hiding, and, eyes downcast, they slowly walked down the hill to stand before their father.
"Whatever possessed you," asked Elrond sternly, "to roll Anomen down the hill in a log? He could have been badly hurt!"
"It was the only way to get him home, Ada," said Elladan.
Elrond raised an eyebrow.
"Was he incapable of walking?"
"Perhaps he could have walked," explained Elrohir, "but we couldn't get him out of the log, so we don't really know."
"He was stuck in the log, then?"
"We-ell," said Elladan, "not really stuck so much as he wouldn't come out."
"He wouldn't come out," repeated Elrond. "Why wouldn't he come out?"
"Because he was afraid of a spider," said Elrohir.
Glorfindel had rejoined them by then, and he spoke up.
"Afraid of a spider? I have never known Anomen to be afraid of spiders. Indeed, I have heard him say that Imladris spiders are as nothing compared to the spiders he has encountered."
"This spider was as big as a Troll," said Elrohir.
"And as hairy as a Dwarf," added Elladan.
"Why weren't you afraid of this spider?" asked Elrond.
"Because we didn't see it," replied Elladan.
"Didn't see it? How could you have failed to see a spider that was as big as a Troll?"
Elrohir and Elladan looked at each other.
"Anomen was the only one who could have seen this spider," said Elrohir slowly. "Elladan and I were seeing—other things."
Gandalf had been listening curiously to this exchange, and now he gave a sudden start and turned a most interesting shade of pink. Elrond looked sharply at him.
"Mithrandir, you seem to be strongly affected by this tale. Why is that, pray tell?"
Gandalf did not answer. Instead, he addressed the two elflings.
"Elladan and Elrohir, did you and Anomen go anywhere near an oak tree today?"
"Yes," admitted Elladan. "We were by an oak tree."
"Ah hah! I thought so! And were there mushrooms growing underneath this oak tree."
"Yes," said Elladan unhappily.
"Did you eat any of these mushrooms?"
Elladan and Elrohir both nodded wordlessly.
Gandalf turned to Elrond.
"There's your giant spider, Elrond: a mushroom!"
Elrond stared at the wizard.
"Anomen saw a mushroom and mistook it for a giant spider?"
"No! no! no! Anomen ate a mushroom that causes folk to have hallucinations. Elladan and Elrohir did as well, but their visions were not as terrifying as Anomen's. I'll wager that Anomen trailed me to that mushroom patch this morning—isn't that so, Elladan and Elrohir?"
The twins nodded, again wordlessly.
"So-oo," said Elrond slowly. "Anomen saw you eating a mushroom this morning—I think I know which one you mean."
"No," corrected Gandalf. "He saw me smoking a mushroom this morning, but smoking was not an option, so he tried eating one instead. The effect is much the same."
"Yes," said Elrond. "That is true." He saw Gandalf grin and hastily added, "I have read a book that says so." This was true, although that fact should not be interpreted to mean that the act of reading was Elrond's sole source of information.
Glorfindel again spoke up.
"Elladan, Elrohir, did you eat all the mushrooms?"
"No," said Elladan. "We divided only the one amongst us."
"So mushrooms remain."
"A few."
Glorfindel turned to Gandalf.
"Whereabouts is that oak tree, Mithrandir?"
The wizard carefully described its location.
"Well," said Glorfindel briskly, "I'd better hasten over to that spot and pick the remaining mushrooms so that they do not fall into anyone else's hands."
Elrond's eyebrows shut up.
"Glorfindel, why not leave them to Erestor? He would no doubt wish to sketch them in their natural setting so as to add a page to his manuscript on mushroom identification. No doubt he would also like to preserve the specimens."
"Yes, doubtless he would," replied Glorfindel glibly, "but he is away to the south, in Eregion, replenishing our stock of athelas. Those mushrooms should be gathered immediately, don't you think, and by the time Erestor has returned, they will be useless for his purposes."
"Very well," conceded Elrond. "But," he added hastily, "before you dispose of the mushrooms, do call me. I have not seen a specimen in a while, and I would, ah, like to refresh my memory."
Apparently Gandalf had a few giggles left in him, because he emitted one now. Elrond scowled at him but said nothing. Instead, he turned to the twins.
"Elladan, Elrohir," he said sternly, "as you have eaten that mushroom, you will have to consider it your supper. To bed with you!"
"Elrond," interjected Gandalf, winking at the elflings, "they ought not to go to bed on an empty stomach. The effects of the mushroom will take longer to completely wear off if they do. You know that to be true!"
If Elladan and Elrohir had not been feeling so miserable at the moment, they would have marveled at Elrond's extensive knowledge of this particular mushroom—but they were miserable, and so the moment passed.
"True," Elrond conceded grudgingly. He turned again to the twins.
"You will have supper tonight. But the next ten occasions that the Cook prepares a dish of mushrooms, you will be responsible for cleaning them and slicing them—but then you may not taste of them when the dish is brought to table!"
At the moment, neither Elladan nor Elrohir wanted to eat another mushroom ever again, but they had wit enough to not let on to this before their father. They both stood before him looking sorrowful. It was one of the rare occasions when Elrond did not hit upon the perfect punishment, which would of course have been to require the twins to eat nothing but mushrooms for ten days.
Perhaps if Elrond had hit upon the proper punishment, Elladan and Elrohir in later years would never again have gone anywhere near that oak tree. But as he did not, the twins were sometimes seen taking their ease beneath its spreading limbs, as well as in other spots where the offending mushroom briefly grew—very briefly, it might be noted, as all specimens seemed to vanish once Elladan and Elrohir came round. Poor Erestor heard tell of the mushroom, but for all his efforts to locate one in order to sketch it, he never succeeded in finding the fungus.
As for Anomen, no punishment was necessary. The effects of the mushroom had been bad enough and had been compounded by his peculiar ride home inside the hollow log. He spent a miserable night, and the next day was too faint and weary to join Elladan and Elrohir on the training field for their archery lesson. Instead, he spent the day on a settle in Elrond's library, watching and listening as Gandalf and Elrond held an interminable discussion about how to inspire King Thranduil into more active participation in the alliance between Imladris, Lothlórien, and Greenwood. Suffice it to say that Anomen was never again tempted to ingest a questionable mushroom. Indeed, it took quite a bit of coaxing by the Cook to induce the elfling to eat any mushrooms at all! At length, though, he did get back into the habit of eating them, and it is said that in after years he could answer a Hobbit bite for bite when it came to devouring a dish of the fungi. However, it is well known that the Periannath were prodigious mushroom eaters, so this may have been an exaggeration. It would not have been the first tall-tale to have attached itself to Anomen, who later became known as Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood. Nor is it likely to be the last!