Butterfly wings

Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't own Harry, so you do not sue

Chapter nine

The last rays of the sun fell from the sky, giving way to the impending black. James reluctantly pulled himself from the front steps. His steps echoed hollowly in the deserted hall. Remus and Sirius out on the full moon, Tonks out with some other girls. Only him and Lily, or what's left of her. He walked up the carpeted stairs to the familiar door of his room. Opening it gently he stood, framed in candlelight, wanting to see her, but knowing if he got any closer he'd only make everything worse.

He sighed, resting his head on the door frame. The echo of his heart throbbing inside him, making him sick and lonely, unbearably so.

James breathed deeply and stepped into the room, the door whispering closed behind him. Laying on the bed, bathed in moonlight lay Lily. Her pale skin like a porcelain doll, glowing and radiant, but cold and hard.

Unable to resist the temptation he stepped up to the side of the massive bed and Ran a finger down her icy cheek. James just stood there, unable to move, even though the pain of looking at her still form was killing him.

For the first time since he met her she wasn't the strong, independent woman he knew, but fragile, vulnerable…breakable. Like if you picked her up, she'd shatter in your hands.

Just looking at her, her red hair curling gently on the pillows, long lashed brushing her cheeks, red lips almost smiling, his heart broke again. All anger, disappointment, regret he'd felt vanished, to leave him emptier than before. Standing before her, bare, blank, hollow, wanting one thing, one simple thing, more than anything he'd ever wanted before, but knowing he'd never be able to get it. Like a never-ending winter without Christmas. The raw feeling of realizing this made his heart sink further. She was here, before him, real and living, but un-touchable. James breath shook as he touched her cheek and kissed her forehead tenderly, one last time before leaving her.

The sun greeted James sitting on the porch again, un-able to sleep but wanting to let everything to just drift away. It was the fifth, or was it sixth night he hadn't slept? He was too tired to count or care. But morning after morning found him here. He rubbed his puffy eyes and ruffled his unkempt hair once more before going inside. Closing the door he lent up against it, head back, bracing himself for whatever awaited him in yet another day of his life.

He sighed and braced the door, not wanting to move, but knowing as hard as he tried he couldn't shut out the world, it would only find him again and again. Not like it mattered anymore. After all what was he, its not like he made any significant difference, he, like just about anyone was just another brick in the wall.

Just another brick in the wall.

With this thought James sank to the floor. Balancing his head on his knees he groaned. What did it matter anymore? It's not like he's different, special in some way to anyone. The one person he actually let through the wall he'd built around his heart left him here. Tormented, anguished, torn.

His self pity party was interrupted by the memory of Lily lying there, on his bed, motionless and cold. It wasn't really her fault. She didn't do this to herself. No one does. It's simply a twist of fate. Or an act of god, the un-reasonable part of his mind sneered.

James used to believe in god, heaven, angels, love. But that was before reality set in. If there was really a god, why was he alone? Why did his sister die? Or his mother? Or father? Why was Lily in the bed up stairs? Why was Remus a werewolf? Why were there pain, suffering, and torment? Because you wouldn't actually be alive without those feelings, the reasonable side of James softly commented. Brushing that thought aside. James rose and yanked out the door. Walking to the edge of the ocean James ripped the golden cross off his neck. That cross had been given to him after his first communion, right before his family died. Some good it did them. Looking at it he could almost see his mother, father and baby sister in there coffins being lowered into the ground, Lily lying on his bed, out cold, himself sitting in front of the door in the dark hall. If there was really a god where was he now! Why were there people dying, in pain, fighting, alone and lost, wasn't he supposed to be a light in the world. Some light.

"Just another brick in the wall" James muttered as he chucked the cross into the ocean. As it glittered in the morning sun James screamed. It echoed in the empty cove, revealing to the world his pain, grief, isolation before disappearing into the big blue sky.

James sunk to his knees on the warm sand beach, the early morning rays of sun casting into sharp relief the lines in his face.

"Just another brick in he wall"

Alrighty its kinda short but fat (contents wise) and it almost hurt to write 'cause I've been there…so I called it quits early and I'll update later this week if I can…

Well now that I've finished this rather painful chapter LOVE ME… HUG ME… FEED ME… REVIEW FOR ME…

Please please please with a cherry on top?!?!

-Prongsies