Hello again! this chapter is much longer than the others so i hope you like it.

Thanks to all my reviewers-you are lovely and i really appreciate the comments and support, keep reveiwing!

PanPanin british (Hogwarts is in Scotland) schools, the year is split into three terms-the autumn term, the summer term and the spring term. the autumn term is from september to december when the christmas holiday is. The spring term starts in January after the christmas holidays, so in chapter 10 when someone says that they won't see james until next term, it means that he's going to be away from school for november and december and will be back for the start of the spring term in january. i hope this has sorted it out for you. :)

Sirius wasn't affected by the break-up at all. When Remus next saw him, he had a new girl on his arm. She wasn't particularly striking and Remus paid little attention to her, returning to his own thoughts.

Although he now walked around with Lily instead of on his own, and had most of his meals in the great hall, and spent most of his evenings in the Gryffindor common room, he still felt as alone as ever, more so if possible. He turned inwards, reflecting on . When he could, he would escape Lily and her endless stream of conversation, and take a walk around the school. The nights were getting darker and colder and so Remus changed the walks from outside to inside. It was more fun this way as well. He didn't take the marauder's map with him and he had to dodge prefects and teachers, often hiding behind statues or pressing himself up against walls to escape their searching gazes.

Sirius' new girlfriend lasted for about three days but on Wednesday morning she had disappeared to be replaced by, to the shock of all, a Slithering. She was almost the same height as Sirius, with long dark brown hair and glittering grey eyes that seemed to be challenging anyone to comment-if they dared. She was called Lola French and soon the name was buzzing on everyone's lips.

That night, Remus decided to go out tonight as he knew that most of the Gryffindors would be decorating the common room-after all, Christmas was nearly a month away- and Remus couldn't bear the thought of decorating without James.

Lily seemed to understand when he told her, but he still had a strange sense of guilt as he crept out of the room and into the corridors of the school. A cold wind whistled down the corridors and outside the sky was dark with only a scattering of stars. Remus wandered the school, and eventually he ended up, as he always did, outside room 30 on the third floor.

He was standing silently outside the door when he heard an unmistakable sound. Someone's voice was coming from inside the room. Remus crept closer and pressed his ear against the door. The voice was masculine and as he listened Remus recognised the voice. Sirius. Remus backed away from the door without listening to the words. If he hadn't bolted down the corridor he would have heard Sirius shouting 'moony' as he came...

Remus rushed down one corridor and then the next, oblivious as to where he was going. Now what does this remind me of? He thought as he turned another corner. It was exactly the same as he done on the night of Sirius and his argument. Remus could almost believe that if he went to the medical room, James would still be lying there with the St Mungos people bustling around him.

When he finally stopped, it was only a floor above where he had started. He had come round in a massive loop. Remus walked to the end of the corridor and sat down in a window seat. His heart was pumping and he was out of breath and it took him a while to organise his thoughts. He was only one floor above where he had started. There were stairs to his left. Remus had an inner battle between curiosity and common sense. Curiosity won. Silently, he stood and walked down the stairs. He held his breath all along the third floor corridor until he was standing outside room 30. There was no talking behind the door and Remus was just thinking about leaving when he heard a sound. Someone was standing up inside the room and stumbling around. Remus could hear the stumbling footsteps and the muffled curses as the person tripped over things. He listened in silent fascination as the footsteps approached the door tripping over something at the last moment and falling into the oak panelling.

It was only as the door handle began to turn that Remus realised he was standing directly opposite the door and that whoever opened it couldn't fail to see him. He thought of running but it was already too late; the door was opening and a dishevelled Sirius Black was appeared in the doorway. He looked terrible, his hair was messy and uncombed, his shirt was half open and hanging out of his trousers and his fly was undone. The effort of putting on his shoes had obviously proved too much for him and he was holding them in one hand, his socks stuffed into them. Despite his uncouth appearance, Sirius actually managed to look sexily dishevelled. He didn't notice Remus immediately. First, he turned around and, using his left hand-the one not holding the shoes- he shut the door to room 30. When he turned around again, pushing the hair out of his eyes, he came face to face with Remus.

"Oh." He said, and Remus could smell the stink of alcohol on his breath.

"Oh." Remus agreed, then added, "your fly's undone."

Sirius looked down, and after placing his shoes on the floor, did up his fly. "Better?" he asked Remus, a smile playing around his mouth.

Remus didn't know how to answer this question so he gave a non-committal shrug and turned to go, but before he could even begin to walk away, he felt a restraining hand placed on his shoulder. Sirius fell into him and he had to twist and catch him. Their noses were almost touching now and their eyes were locked. Sirius was not light and Remus was having trouble holding him upright.

"What's wrong with me?" Sirius slurred, and Remus tried to pull his head back from the reek of the other boy's breath.

"You're drunk" he said and pushed Sirius outwards, away from his chest. Sirius swayed for a moment but stayed upright.

"You hate me." He said carefully after a moment of silence. "You hate James as well. Why do you hate us Moony?"

Remus was starting to think that coming down here had not been such a good idea after all. Sirius was obviously drunk and a drunk Sirius was dangerous to be around. Snape had learnt that to his cost. Remus started to back away but Sirius spoke again, his voice louder.

"You think you're too good for me. You're too good for anyone."

"No—"Remus started to say before he was cut off.

"Well you're not." Sirius took an unsteady step forward. "You're not. How many girlfriends have you had? None. I've had...I've had...six." He looked at his fingers, murmured, "no, that's not right" before taking another shaky step.

"You're not too good for me Remus Lupin"-Remus was surprised that in his drunken state, Sirius had managed to remember his name-"No-one's too good for me."

Another shaky step, Remus couldn't help thinking how long this would have to go on for. How wide were these corridors?

"I've had everyone," Sirius said "I've had everyone and now" another step, more confident this time. "Now, I want you."

Sirius' arms wrapped around Remus, bringing him almost tenderly to his chest and bent his head, his mouth enveloping Remus'. Remus was aware of how soft Sirius' lips were and how dry and chapped his own felt against their surface. Sirius had his eyes closed but Remus was too surprised to even think about it. They were stumbling backwards, Sirius' force and weight too much for Remus, and suddenly they hit the other side of the corridor. Finally, thought Remus, even as panic enveloped him. Sirius' grip was too tight; it was squeezing the breath out of him. Sirius smelt of booze and sex and he was trying to deepen the kiss, to force his tongue between Remus' clenched teeth.

But over the panic, stronger than it, was a terrible anger. An anger that Remus had felt before only in his wolf form. It tore through his veins and turned his vision red. Who was Sirius to do this to him? It had happened once and Remus vowed that it would never happen again. The image of Sirius' face, the day of their row, swam behind Remus' eyes. He wanted to feel that sort of power again. He brought his knee up sharply, pushing outwards at the same time with his whole body. Sirius doubled over in pain, stumbling backwards. He didn't resist as Remus kicked him to the floor and began to punch at Sirius' face, torso. Any bit of Sirius that Remus could feel, he hit. The darkness was all around them and it was just Sirius and Remus, nothing else existed outside of their own little bubble.

Then, as suddenly as the anger had come, it disappeared, leaving behind it a washed out Remus. He felt exhausted and his arms ached. He fell next to the barely conscious Sirius and willed sleep to take him, to make what he had just done go away. But sleep was not so obliging and after a few minutes, Remus picked himself up. He couldn't take Sirius to the medical room; there would be too many questions. Likewise he couldn't take him to the Gryffindor tower. But he would have to choose one of them. In the end, he chose the dormitories. He didn't think that he had hurt Sirius too badly. Nothing a quick charm and a potion couldn't fix. Scrabbling around on the floor, he found both the shoes and one sock. Tying the laces and stuffing the sock in his pocket, he flung the shoes around his neck and bent to pick up Sirius. Sirius was still conscious but he wasn't wasting his energy on speaking. As he leaned almost all of his weight onto Remus and they started the long walk to the dormitories, he only said one word.

"Why?"

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A gasp went up as Remus pushed the portrait hole open and staggered in with Sirius. The common room was filled with charmed tinsel and baubles, banners bearing the Gryffindor lion hung merrily from the ceiling and someone had given all the lions santa claus hats.

Vaguely, Remus thought how rediculous it was to be decorating for christmas when it was over a month away.

It had taken Remus almost half an hour to do what would have normally been a 10 minute walk. Sirius had been no help, stumbling and triping over his own feet, sometimes falling asleep even as they were moving so that Remus had to shake him awake. Finally they had got to the portrait hall and Remus couldn't even remember the password. After a couple of minutes, he remembered and they were in.

"What happened?!" asked Lily as she rushed over, pushing her way through the crown already beginning to gather around the two boys.

"Had a fight." Grunted Remus, trying to move forwards. The stairs to the dorms were only a few metres away, if only these stupid people would move.

Lily's forehead creased with slight worry but she said no more as she and Peter, who had left his divination homework to help, cleared the people out of Remus' way.

"Thanks"

They all worked together to half carry, half drag Sirius up the stairs until he was lying on his bed in the boys dorms. Remus had to admit, Sirius looked pretty bad. In the light of the lamps, Sirius' injuries became startlingly visible. He had a cut lip and two black eyes and blood was congealing on his top lip and around his nose. Bruises were blossoming on his arms and chest and there was a long red line across his neck where Remus must have scratched him.

"God Moony, what have you done?" breathed Peter, sitting down on the bed.

"Did you beat him up?" asked Lily, not sure if she really wanted an answer, "there's not a scratch on you"

"I didn't mean to" Remus began "It just, happened"

The mixture of the alcohol and the fight had caused Sirius to pass out. After Lily had left and Remus disappeared behind his drapes, Peter undressed Sirius and put him to bed. Then he turned out the light.

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The next morning, the whole school was talking about what had happened between Remus and Sirius the night before. Rumours were flying around the great hall; Sirius was in St Mungos, Sirius had died, no no they were all wrong, it was Remus who was in St Mungos with a head the size of a mouse's.

Remus hadn't been going to go down to breakfast but when he came down to the common room, Peter and Lily were waiting for him. They frog marched him down the corridors with him protesting the whole way.

"No! Stop it. Look, I'll just stay in the dorms and wait until Sirius wakes up and I'll explain to him..."

"You don't think we'd leave you alone with Sirius after what happened last night do you?" Lily said "as soon as Peter has helped me get you into the Great hall, he's going back to Sirius."

"But, but..." Remus could see the doors to the great hall fast approaching and he tried to dig his heels in but he was forcibly dragged towards them. "I don't want to!" he said pleadingly to Peter but Peter just smirked and pulled open the door.

"You have to face them at one time or another" whispered Lily and gave him a small push in the back. Once everyone had seen who it was in the doorway, all conversation ceased. Even the teachers watched as Remus walked to the Gryffindor table and sat down. The hairs at the back of his neck were tingling and he knew he wouldn't be able to eat a thing. Lily sat down next to him and smiled warmly but Remus could only manage a weak puckering at the corners of his mouth before he gave up. The truth was, he felt terrible and he knew he looked it too. He had slept really badly that night and had tossed and turned, unable to get the kiss out of his mind. When he had finally drifted to sleep, it was filled with nightmares. In his dreams, the Sirius of that night blended with the sirius of the full moon. He was covered in blood and bruises and cuts and he kept trying to kiss Remus. Remus woke up sweating and had thrown off his covers and lain there until morning.

As talking resumed in the great hall, Remus knew that most of the conversation topics would include him and it didn't give him a very comfortable feeling. In fact, he felt quite sick.

"Lily, I have to, I have to go" Remus managed before he ran out of the great hall, followed by every pair of eyes.

Remus ran outside into the cold air, the frosty grass crunching under every footfall and his breath making little puffs of steam as he jogged away from the castle. As he got further away from the heat and noise of the school, he began to think. I need somewhere to be alone, he thought, somewhere where no one will come looking for me, where I can be by myself. He found himself heading in the direction of the shrieking shack.

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Remus had never been inside the shrieking shack outside of a full moon before. Somehow it seemed weird climbing through the trap door into sunlight rather than shadows and gloom. The shrieking shack wasn't any warmer than outside and Remus spent all day wandering between the rooms, trying to keep himself warm. He didn't mind, it gave him time to reflect on everything that had happened to him over the past weeks. Not that he hadn't been thinking about that anyway. It was hard not to, he was always thinking about the night he almost killed Sirius, or the Quidditch match where James had nearly died, or the row with Sirius. And being raped, he was always thinking about being raped or about telling someone he'd been raped. But how would it sound, how would he say it. He practised it as he wandered aimlessly.

"Oh yeah, and by the way Professor Dumbledore, a couple of weeks ago I was raped by a girl."

"Sirius. The reason I've been acting so strange lately is because I was raped. By Branwen. That's not the only reason, although I'm not sure what else, why I'm so. The sketchbook, that really fucked me up, oh and almost killing you-by the way did I say I was sorry?-and James getting almost killed by Branwen, which wouldn't have happened if I had just told you about this sooner isn't that funny? Oh, and by the way, I don't actually hate you, I'm in love with you. Is that ok?"

Remus slumped against a handy nearby wall and put his head in his hands. And last night. That kiss. Why did Sirius keep doing this to him? Just when he'd convinced himself of one thing, Sirius would change again and everything would be upside down. And the kiss had reminded him of Branwen. He had panicked and then. And then. Oh my god, what had he done?

"Shit, shit, shit, shit."

Most of his day was spent like this. Talking to himself, his mad ramblings filling the empty rooms as he walked past the shattered furniture and the bloody stains.

It was while he was doing this that something occurred to him. Something so terrible and mind shattering and world- apart-blowing that he was forced to stop in his tracks.

"Shiiiiiiiiiit"

He had bitten Sirius. Sure, Sirius had been in his dog form at the time, but he had turned back to human almost immediately. What if, what if he had made Sirius a werewolf.

Remus would be expelled, his life would be over. Being a werewolf was one thing, but being a werewolf who had bitten another person was something entirely different. He would be completely ostracised. He might even be shot with a silver bullet. It would be the end.

He could have stayed there, thinking, hating himself, for longer but at 6 o'clock he was forced to leave out of sheer hunger. He knew that Lily would kill him for skipping all his lessons but he didn't care.

Wearily, he trudged back up to the castle, ignoring the third years who whispered and pointed as he walked by. He grabbed something from the kitchen and then headed up to the dorms. He found he was exhausted.

When he entered the dormitory, he was surprised to be confronted by three pale, worried faces.

"Where have you been?" asked Lily, getting up from Sirius' bed and coming towards him.

Remus just walked over to his bed but not before his eyes darted disbelievingly towards Sirius.

"Yes, even me, because I am such a kind and generous soul I am willing to forgive you for the horrible things you did to me last night."

Sirius didn't have a scratch on him, even his hair was neat and tidy in dark waves next to his head. He smiled nervously in Remus' direction but Remus was too busy trying to still his panicked heart that he didn't notice. For some reason it hadn't occurred to him that Sirius might remember anything. And now, he would have told them and they would all think he was a complete homophobe. How ironic.

But Sirius wasn't finished, "Anyway, I'm sure that I deserved it"

While Remus was looking around confusedly, Peter spoke.

"But that's exactly the thing" he said, "What exactly did Sirius do to warrant such a beating. I know he's and annoying bastard"-Sirius threw a pillow at the side of Peter's head-"and I myself have wanted to slap him once or twice, but seriously. He was pulp last night. And he can't even remember what happened."

"Care to enlighten us?" Sirius said, raising one eyebrow.

"I-I" Remus struggled for words but it was hard to think over the screaming of his brain "I can't"

He turned and dived into bed, snatching the curtains closed around him. A moment later his hand reappeared, picked up his wand and the pile of pyjamas off the floor and then retreated back into the bed. The others heard a muttered locking charm and then a silencing charm before Lily stood up.

"Well that was hopeless" she sighed.

"Are you sure you can't remember Padfoot?" Peter tried

"I told you, I don't even remember leaving room 30, let alone meeting Remus and getting beaten to a pulp. I must have been sooo drunk"

Lily smiled and headed off to the girl's dorms and Peter switched off the light.

However, there was only one boy sleeping in the boy's dorm that night.