Dr. Strangelouvre
Cause: 2
Ranma on the Nature of Women --------
Oh, look. We're here.
Joy.
Rapture.
Bliss.
The thought of being run over by a truck at this moment takes on so many faces. We enter the clinic arguing about something. I don't remember what. It's hard to keep up with all the things we fight about. I won't bother with details. The key is to simplify. Cause and effect. Akane and I are together, so we fight. This is how forced, unwilling fiancés should behave. This is how the world works. Anyway, we get inside. The receptionist sitting there, putting on nail polish. She sees us enter and dips the cap-brush back into the bottle. One moment, polishing her nails is the most important thing in the world to do. The next moment, it's greeting me and Akane, just goes to show, I guess, that the meaning of life is always changing.
"Oh, Hello Akane. Hello, Young man."
Hi.
"You're right on time, so there won't be any wait, lucky. The nurse just got the room prepping done."
I look at the receptionists' hands. Her right hand has two painted nails, her left hand has three done. This is the cross-hand technique. You paint one nail, and while it dries you paint a nail on the other hand. By the time you come back to the first hand, the first nail you painted is all dry. It's pretty rare to see, but it's just as systematic as the normal technique of left hand first then right hand. It also guarantees that one-whole hand of fingernails will never smudge no matter what you may accidentally rub up against. So touch-ups are a piece of cake. I know this because I can become a girl. Envious? Don't be. The woman punches up Akane's file on the computer, while it's processing, she turns to Akane.
"Did I see you in the market yesterday?"
"You could have." she replies, "I was with my sister Kasumi. I know we went to the grocery store, but then we went clothes shopping. Oh, you should have seen this one dress they had."
Akane goes on about this dress, to this receptionist woman, who seems all too intent on hearing every word. From the hallway enters a nurse, another girl, who immediately interjects with, 'OH, Akane, how you been, Girl?' Suddenly, Akane needs to tell her about everything she did yesterday. I look over at the waiting room, two women yakking away. I can tell that from everywhere around talk goes on without me. Dresses, husbands, cooking, movies, terrorists, sports, sex. Here I am, a guy, marooned out of every circle of communication, just because of that. Because I'm a guy. Envious? Don't be. Meanwhile, at the center of all this, at the heart of this whole operation, even with all these women doing their woman thing for all their worth. They know that the reason any of them are here is because in this building there is a man. A man with power like you cannot believe. Get on the table. Drop your panties. Open up. Hold still, I'm going to put this in, and it may feel a little cold. This will give you chills. Not even the old freak has enough power to do this. Anyone with that much power shouldn't even exist, let alone make a living out of it.
I'm going over to take a seat. Akane says it's fine, she'll be done in about half an hour. We go our separate ways. Now I'm hovering over the white-laminated plywood coffee table, loaded with magazines. You won't be familiar with any of the titles, but let me put it in perspective. Think Vogue. Think YM. Think Teen. Think covers of gorgeous Brad Pitt, Buffy's Angel, and hair-gelled Leonardo di Caprio. Think beauty and dating tips. Think gut-wrenching accounts of dinner with the man of your dreams that went all wrong. Think paper cutout tarot cards. Think consoling heart felt questionnaires, which can be a moody girls psychologist.
How do you feel?
Talk about that.
How did that make you feel?
I am woman, hear me roar. Sure. I become a woman, and I don't read this shit. And when I roar, I ROAR. I roar like no girl can. I'll tell you the secret. It's really quite simple. It's because I'm a guy. Just like the most powerful gynecologist in the world has to be a guy. Being a guy is the key to a good roar. I'll give this to Akane, she can roar too. It may be the best roar a girl is capable of. With her, it's because she's got a guy's mentality. If some boy starts hitting on me, I make sure he gets the message that I don't want it to happen again. Same with her. Powerful, forceful convincing. If women really want to roar, then they're just going to have to do it like guys do. But not every girl will go "Come on, attack me." Not every girl will break cinder blocks with their bare hands. Not every girl will have their house burn down around them, leaving them free to live any life they may have damn well pleased. Some girls, they read these magazines that I'm looking at right now. Why? Because girls will be girls.
I pick up a copy of J-Shoujo, and flip to the middle, where the color photos end and the Black and white Manga begins. Here, where the deep monochrome, shimmering eyes of valiancy await me. Valiancy lives in a world where magic determines your power. If you can use magic well enough, you become a king or a queen or knight or something. You know, any of the first row of chess pieces. If you can't use magic well enough, you get to become a serf, a farmer, and any number of jobs that describe a pawn. Valiancy's father is the king of Zezeragos. Long ago, he went to another land. He left his queen behind to go "Fight a war."
I hear a door open and close. I hear footsteps scuffle over to the receptionist.
"Hays a yung garel come heer lookeeng for Freench lesóns?"
"No, Dr. Strangelouvre, but you have a patient, Miss Tendo, in room 3, who is with Nurse Kobakura now."
"Well, zen, How long befoar I most exámaen haer?"
"She'll be ready in five minutes."
"Veary well."
I could picture Kasumi in her white night-gown, Grabbing this Dr. Strangelouvre, who is now hidden behind my manga. I could see her screaming in his face. "You prick, bastard. You lay one finger on my sister, and God help me, I'll stomp a butcher's knife all the way up your ass, handle first." One weird dream and your whole perspective on life changes.
Back to Valiancy. A year later the king returns from the foreign land, with a newly born baby that he "Adopted." He named the girl Valiancy. The king makes plans for Valiancy to grow up and become the first High-queen over Zezeragos, no matter who she marries. When Valiancy is five years old, however, the queen makes a tragic announcement that the king has died in an "Accident." Not to worry Valiancy, for your adoptive mother, the queen, knows a man who has been her "Friend" for a long time, and he promises to "Take care of you."
The front door opens
"Hello, Doctor how are you today?"
Oh, please God, no. It can't be. I hug the manga close to my face, so she won't see me. That's right, back to the manga. The "Friend" of the queen makes all the arrangements to have Valiancy "Taken care of." When some of the Palace guards take her away, and hide her somewhere in the village. They return to the palace and tell the queen's Friend, named Gist That they have "taken care of her." For years, Valiancy is raised in poverty, knowing that she is truly the daughter of a king, and having the magic to prove it.
" Je dois vous dire une histoire mon cher." Strangelouvre says
" Bien, docteur, continuent s'il vous plaît."
Then Strangelouve start yakking and yakking.
" C'est l'histoire de l'ami de mon oncle, Jaques, le pilote de combattant, juste aprés la deuxième guerre mondiale. Il était avec son amoureux par la seine. Pendant qu'ils embrassaient, elle a dit à lui ' Jaques, m'embrassent.' Il a atteint pour une bouteille de rioja. ' Jaques, ' elle a dit ' ce qui sont vous faisant?' "
I'm still safe She hasn't noticed me. It's no secret, the girl Strangelouvre is yakking to is Kodachi. But all I can see is Valiancy. When she was 15, her dirt-level existence led her to a bordello, then a burlesque house, then a harem, and then, finally, a brothel. Cleaning jobs, mostly. Sex is a messy thing to clean up after, and someone's got to do it. Finally, to her joy, she becomes a 'working girl' two and a half years later. She's now 20, and still in the same trade. You may respond with disgust, but compared cleaning up after people who've had sex; actually getting to have sex is a welcome change. So many people who talk about this manga say, "I can't believe Valiancy, the heroine, is a whore." What's wrong with that? Even a whore can be a hero, that's the whole point. Besides, all the while, Valiancy has been and is the leader of an underground movement, called Orestes. Valiancy founded Orestes when she was 17, and is still the only member who can use magic. That means she's royalty if you can use magic, you're royalty. She's the royal prostitute. Her one true love is her right hand man in Orestes, Terro, but he doesn't know she loves her. To him she's either a commander or a prostitute, he believes that both those types of people are incapable of true love. I'm still guessing as to how they're going to end up.
"Il m'a répondu ' suis Jaques, le pilote de combattant. Quand je prends la viande rouge, je dois prendre le vin rouge.' Il a versé le vin dans sa bouche et l'a embrassée. Après qu'ils aient embrassé, elle a dit à lui ' Jaques, m'embrassent... inférieur."
" Ohh, comment le risqué cette histoire est."
She still hasn't noticed me. Good. The ultimate goal of Orestes is to overthrow the queen and Gist, and establish a new ruler over Zezeragos. Almost every man she sleeps with, Valiancy makes another silent ally. She need not worry about these men exposing her. Who in their right mind would admit to allying with a whore? Being at the low end of a society does have incredible advantages.
" Qui est vrai, parce que il a atteint pour une bouteille de chardonay, et a défait son chemisier, et l'a versé sur ses seins doux. ' Jaques, elle a dit ce qui sont vous faisant?' Il m'a répondu ' suis Jaques, le pilote de combattant quand je prends la viande blanche, je doit prendre le vin blanc. Il a commencé à embrasser loin à ses seins, et après un moment elle a dit à lui, ' Jaques, m'embrassent... inférieur.' "
" OH, mon Dieu!"
Revolution doesn't happen over-night, so in the mean time, Orestes is devoted to making sure individuals have justice from the tyrannous queen. Valiancy: hooker by night, hero by day. that's what this episode is about. She's fighting to win back a house from the government because they repossessed it from a single mother and her sweet little daughter.
" Il a atteint pour une bouteille de cognac, soulevée sa robe, et pourd il sur sa taille. Il a frappé une allumette, et était sur le point de l'allumer, quand elle a sauté dans la seine. ' Jaques!' elle a crié ' CE QUI SONT VOUS FAISANT?' Il relplied ' me suis Jaques le pilote de combattant, et quand je descends, moi entrent vers le bas en flammes!'"
"Oho-ho-ho-ho-ho!" That laugh echoes, and my fingernails dig into the gloss-finished pages.
"Doctor, You're needed in room three."
"Vaery well. My dear. Eef yeau weel meet me een zee poobleek laybraree at fiev o' clock, I weel heve time teu furzer yeur educación."
"Very well, doctor. See you then."
"Adieu."
Strangelouvre leaves, I can hear her footsteps now. Kodachi is coming for me. She can't come over now. I'm not done reading. What will happen to my Valiancy?
Kodachi pulls up a seat next to me. "Why, Ranma, my darling what brings you here?"
Find out next time.
To be continued...
A couple of notes. Don't bother looking for J-shoujo or the Valiancy manga. Those are just my make believe little tack-ons. Actually, Valiancy isn't totally make believe, it's actually roundabout the plot of the myth of Electra, which if you ask me would make a great manga.
The French in this chapter was all taken from the Babelfish translator at Don't worry too much about what Strangelouvre was going on about, it's just a stupid joke that probably didn't even translate right. If you know of any suggestible changes to the joke feel free to contact me.
Ranma 1/2 property of Rumiko Takahashi.
And now, because I'm ripping him off, here is a commercial.
------------------
You're told to live a certain life, to dress a certain way, to plan your future between certain limits.
But if you could know the future, would there be any limits to contain you?
Chuck Palahniuk's SURVIVOR
"If you can hear me,
A 14 Rivers Production
Cause: 2
Ranma on the Nature of Women --------
Oh, look. We're here.
Joy.
Rapture.
Bliss.
The thought of being run over by a truck at this moment takes on so many faces. We enter the clinic arguing about something. I don't remember what. It's hard to keep up with all the things we fight about. I won't bother with details. The key is to simplify. Cause and effect. Akane and I are together, so we fight. This is how forced, unwilling fiancés should behave. This is how the world works. Anyway, we get inside. The receptionist sitting there, putting on nail polish. She sees us enter and dips the cap-brush back into the bottle. One moment, polishing her nails is the most important thing in the world to do. The next moment, it's greeting me and Akane, just goes to show, I guess, that the meaning of life is always changing.
"Oh, Hello Akane. Hello, Young man."
Hi.
"You're right on time, so there won't be any wait, lucky. The nurse just got the room prepping done."
I look at the receptionists' hands. Her right hand has two painted nails, her left hand has three done. This is the cross-hand technique. You paint one nail, and while it dries you paint a nail on the other hand. By the time you come back to the first hand, the first nail you painted is all dry. It's pretty rare to see, but it's just as systematic as the normal technique of left hand first then right hand. It also guarantees that one-whole hand of fingernails will never smudge no matter what you may accidentally rub up against. So touch-ups are a piece of cake. I know this because I can become a girl. Envious? Don't be. The woman punches up Akane's file on the computer, while it's processing, she turns to Akane.
"Did I see you in the market yesterday?"
"You could have." she replies, "I was with my sister Kasumi. I know we went to the grocery store, but then we went clothes shopping. Oh, you should have seen this one dress they had."
Akane goes on about this dress, to this receptionist woman, who seems all too intent on hearing every word. From the hallway enters a nurse, another girl, who immediately interjects with, 'OH, Akane, how you been, Girl?' Suddenly, Akane needs to tell her about everything she did yesterday. I look over at the waiting room, two women yakking away. I can tell that from everywhere around talk goes on without me. Dresses, husbands, cooking, movies, terrorists, sports, sex. Here I am, a guy, marooned out of every circle of communication, just because of that. Because I'm a guy. Envious? Don't be. Meanwhile, at the center of all this, at the heart of this whole operation, even with all these women doing their woman thing for all their worth. They know that the reason any of them are here is because in this building there is a man. A man with power like you cannot believe. Get on the table. Drop your panties. Open up. Hold still, I'm going to put this in, and it may feel a little cold. This will give you chills. Not even the old freak has enough power to do this. Anyone with that much power shouldn't even exist, let alone make a living out of it.
I'm going over to take a seat. Akane says it's fine, she'll be done in about half an hour. We go our separate ways. Now I'm hovering over the white-laminated plywood coffee table, loaded with magazines. You won't be familiar with any of the titles, but let me put it in perspective. Think Vogue. Think YM. Think Teen. Think covers of gorgeous Brad Pitt, Buffy's Angel, and hair-gelled Leonardo di Caprio. Think beauty and dating tips. Think gut-wrenching accounts of dinner with the man of your dreams that went all wrong. Think paper cutout tarot cards. Think consoling heart felt questionnaires, which can be a moody girls psychologist.
How do you feel?
Talk about that.
How did that make you feel?
I am woman, hear me roar. Sure. I become a woman, and I don't read this shit. And when I roar, I ROAR. I roar like no girl can. I'll tell you the secret. It's really quite simple. It's because I'm a guy. Just like the most powerful gynecologist in the world has to be a guy. Being a guy is the key to a good roar. I'll give this to Akane, she can roar too. It may be the best roar a girl is capable of. With her, it's because she's got a guy's mentality. If some boy starts hitting on me, I make sure he gets the message that I don't want it to happen again. Same with her. Powerful, forceful convincing. If women really want to roar, then they're just going to have to do it like guys do. But not every girl will go "Come on, attack me." Not every girl will break cinder blocks with their bare hands. Not every girl will have their house burn down around them, leaving them free to live any life they may have damn well pleased. Some girls, they read these magazines that I'm looking at right now. Why? Because girls will be girls.
I pick up a copy of J-Shoujo, and flip to the middle, where the color photos end and the Black and white Manga begins. Here, where the deep monochrome, shimmering eyes of valiancy await me. Valiancy lives in a world where magic determines your power. If you can use magic well enough, you become a king or a queen or knight or something. You know, any of the first row of chess pieces. If you can't use magic well enough, you get to become a serf, a farmer, and any number of jobs that describe a pawn. Valiancy's father is the king of Zezeragos. Long ago, he went to another land. He left his queen behind to go "Fight a war."
I hear a door open and close. I hear footsteps scuffle over to the receptionist.
"Hays a yung garel come heer lookeeng for Freench lesóns?"
"No, Dr. Strangelouvre, but you have a patient, Miss Tendo, in room 3, who is with Nurse Kobakura now."
"Well, zen, How long befoar I most exámaen haer?"
"She'll be ready in five minutes."
"Veary well."
I could picture Kasumi in her white night-gown, Grabbing this Dr. Strangelouvre, who is now hidden behind my manga. I could see her screaming in his face. "You prick, bastard. You lay one finger on my sister, and God help me, I'll stomp a butcher's knife all the way up your ass, handle first." One weird dream and your whole perspective on life changes.
Back to Valiancy. A year later the king returns from the foreign land, with a newly born baby that he "Adopted." He named the girl Valiancy. The king makes plans for Valiancy to grow up and become the first High-queen over Zezeragos, no matter who she marries. When Valiancy is five years old, however, the queen makes a tragic announcement that the king has died in an "Accident." Not to worry Valiancy, for your adoptive mother, the queen, knows a man who has been her "Friend" for a long time, and he promises to "Take care of you."
The front door opens
"Hello, Doctor how are you today?"
Oh, please God, no. It can't be. I hug the manga close to my face, so she won't see me. That's right, back to the manga. The "Friend" of the queen makes all the arrangements to have Valiancy "Taken care of." When some of the Palace guards take her away, and hide her somewhere in the village. They return to the palace and tell the queen's Friend, named Gist That they have "taken care of her." For years, Valiancy is raised in poverty, knowing that she is truly the daughter of a king, and having the magic to prove it.
" Je dois vous dire une histoire mon cher." Strangelouvre says
" Bien, docteur, continuent s'il vous plaît."
Then Strangelouve start yakking and yakking.
" C'est l'histoire de l'ami de mon oncle, Jaques, le pilote de combattant, juste aprés la deuxième guerre mondiale. Il était avec son amoureux par la seine. Pendant qu'ils embrassaient, elle a dit à lui ' Jaques, m'embrassent.' Il a atteint pour une bouteille de rioja. ' Jaques, ' elle a dit ' ce qui sont vous faisant?' "
I'm still safe She hasn't noticed me. It's no secret, the girl Strangelouvre is yakking to is Kodachi. But all I can see is Valiancy. When she was 15, her dirt-level existence led her to a bordello, then a burlesque house, then a harem, and then, finally, a brothel. Cleaning jobs, mostly. Sex is a messy thing to clean up after, and someone's got to do it. Finally, to her joy, she becomes a 'working girl' two and a half years later. She's now 20, and still in the same trade. You may respond with disgust, but compared cleaning up after people who've had sex; actually getting to have sex is a welcome change. So many people who talk about this manga say, "I can't believe Valiancy, the heroine, is a whore." What's wrong with that? Even a whore can be a hero, that's the whole point. Besides, all the while, Valiancy has been and is the leader of an underground movement, called Orestes. Valiancy founded Orestes when she was 17, and is still the only member who can use magic. That means she's royalty if you can use magic, you're royalty. She's the royal prostitute. Her one true love is her right hand man in Orestes, Terro, but he doesn't know she loves her. To him she's either a commander or a prostitute, he believes that both those types of people are incapable of true love. I'm still guessing as to how they're going to end up.
"Il m'a répondu ' suis Jaques, le pilote de combattant. Quand je prends la viande rouge, je dois prendre le vin rouge.' Il a versé le vin dans sa bouche et l'a embrassée. Après qu'ils aient embrassé, elle a dit à lui ' Jaques, m'embrassent... inférieur."
" Ohh, comment le risqué cette histoire est."
She still hasn't noticed me. Good. The ultimate goal of Orestes is to overthrow the queen and Gist, and establish a new ruler over Zezeragos. Almost every man she sleeps with, Valiancy makes another silent ally. She need not worry about these men exposing her. Who in their right mind would admit to allying with a whore? Being at the low end of a society does have incredible advantages.
" Qui est vrai, parce que il a atteint pour une bouteille de chardonay, et a défait son chemisier, et l'a versé sur ses seins doux. ' Jaques, elle a dit ce qui sont vous faisant?' Il m'a répondu ' suis Jaques, le pilote de combattant quand je prends la viande blanche, je doit prendre le vin blanc. Il a commencé à embrasser loin à ses seins, et après un moment elle a dit à lui, ' Jaques, m'embrassent... inférieur.' "
" OH, mon Dieu!"
Revolution doesn't happen over-night, so in the mean time, Orestes is devoted to making sure individuals have justice from the tyrannous queen. Valiancy: hooker by night, hero by day. that's what this episode is about. She's fighting to win back a house from the government because they repossessed it from a single mother and her sweet little daughter.
" Il a atteint pour une bouteille de cognac, soulevée sa robe, et pourd il sur sa taille. Il a frappé une allumette, et était sur le point de l'allumer, quand elle a sauté dans la seine. ' Jaques!' elle a crié ' CE QUI SONT VOUS FAISANT?' Il relplied ' me suis Jaques le pilote de combattant, et quand je descends, moi entrent vers le bas en flammes!'"
"Oho-ho-ho-ho-ho!" That laugh echoes, and my fingernails dig into the gloss-finished pages.
"Doctor, You're needed in room three."
"Vaery well. My dear. Eef yeau weel meet me een zee poobleek laybraree at fiev o' clock, I weel heve time teu furzer yeur educación."
"Very well, doctor. See you then."
"Adieu."
Strangelouvre leaves, I can hear her footsteps now. Kodachi is coming for me. She can't come over now. I'm not done reading. What will happen to my Valiancy?
Kodachi pulls up a seat next to me. "Why, Ranma, my darling what brings you here?"
Find out next time.
To be continued...
A couple of notes. Don't bother looking for J-shoujo or the Valiancy manga. Those are just my make believe little tack-ons. Actually, Valiancy isn't totally make believe, it's actually roundabout the plot of the myth of Electra, which if you ask me would make a great manga.
The French in this chapter was all taken from the Babelfish translator at Don't worry too much about what Strangelouvre was going on about, it's just a stupid joke that probably didn't even translate right. If you know of any suggestible changes to the joke feel free to contact me.
Ranma 1/2 property of Rumiko Takahashi.
And now, because I'm ripping him off, here is a commercial.
------------------
You're told to live a certain life, to dress a certain way, to plan your future between certain limits.
But if you could know the future, would there be any limits to contain you?
Chuck Palahniuk's SURVIVOR
"If you can hear me,
A 14 Rivers Production