"I'll See You in My Dreams - Three Little Words"
By Rita Widmer
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Rendezvous, Second Sight, basically any episode that mentions Mac's childhood.
Author's Note: Thanks to my one reviewer for reminding there are people who love the story!
WARNING: This chapter deals with domestic violence. There is not much written about the violence, but the reaction of Mac and some of her mother is written.
*************************************************************************************
"Three Little Words" by Harry Ruby and Bert Lalmar
Sung by Fred Astaire in "Three Little Words"
Three little words, Oh, what I'd give for that wonderful phrase To hear those three little words That's all I'd live for the rest of my days. And what I feel in heart they tell sincerely, No other words can tell it half so clearly. Three little words, eight little letters Which simply means I love you
*************************************************************************************
Harm's Apartment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harm heard the knock at the door at the exact moment Mac was supposed to arrive. That used to surprise him how she always came at the exact moment, but over time he had gotten used to it. Continually asking 'how do you do that?' wasn't getting him anywhere near an answer.
As soon as he opened the door, he noted the strain in Mac's whole appearance. If he had to guess, he would say she was getting no sleep and might have lost a little weight. Tonight he was going to find out what was going on. He thought the end of their case with her physically abusive husband had brought to conclusion the feelings Mac had to deal with in that case but maybe not.
He flashed her his flyboy smile as he let her in. Reaching to help her take off her coat, he watched as she shrank away from his touch. "Mac, can I help you with your coat?" he asked, skirting away from the real question he wanted to ask.
"Aww, no thanks, Harm. I'm a Marine, I think I can handle it on my own. What is that I smell cooking? At least it doesn't smell like your meatless meatloaf."
"Haha, Marine. I wouldn't do that to my jarhead again. The thought of what you would do to me sends shivers down my back."
"Your jarhead? You're lucky I like the smell of that cooking so I won't harm you for that one."
"Very funny, now go sit down at the table while I finish the food." He watched her sit down in her usual chair watching his every move.
As the dinner progressed the banter kept going, but to Harm it seemed empty. Her answers were as sharp as usual, but her smile didn't quite reach her eyes and the tone seemed almost dull.
He finally gave up pretense when they went to sit down on the couch. "Mac, you know you can tell me anything, right?"
"Of course, Harm."
"Then try to tell me what's wrong, so I can help you."
"I..I can't Harm. I wish I could, but I just can't. Just give me time, and I'll get over it."
"If its bothering you this much maybe it will help to let it out."
"Maybe one day, Harm, but its not tonight or anytime soon. I should get going. Night Harm."
He hesitated wanting to say more, but gave up for now, "Night Mac, and get some sleep."
"I will, night."
************************************
Mac's Apartment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac barely could keep her eyes open on the road home from Harm's. She was completely exhausted. Her whole body was aching from the tension within her, and she wished that she could take at least one full breath.
Tonight she hoped would be a dreamless sleep. Her mind had been torturing her with past memories of growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father. He may never have hit her, but each blow her mother received had taken a blow at her heart. It was her only her will to beat the odds that had brought her this far.
As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was asleep, but her hopes of dreamless sleep were shattered as she reached REM. This time it didn't start with the usual sound of fist hitting bones, but one simple question. A question that would haunt her in all her future relationships with men.
~~ Do you love me?" Little Sarah Mackenzie asked of her father, while tugging on his shirt. Her eyes wide with hope that he would tell her he did love her. She wanted to hear those words so badly, but once again her hopes were crushed as he turned on her. His arm barely missing her as it swung around. She didn't know if it was meant to hit her or not, but his anger was beaming at her.
The gleam in his eyes that she saw so many times turned on her mother just before he hit her was directed at her now. Unconsciously she took a step back, and loosing footage she fell to the ground.
He finally spoke to her, "Get up you, clumsy little brat. Never tug on my shirt again. Do you hear me?
"But Daddy..." That was all she could get out before her mother came up to them.
"Joe, leave her alone. All she wanted to know was do you love her. She didn't mean any harm," her mother said soothingly.
Her mother's words didn't sooth the temper of Joe Mackenzie. It only enraged him more as he turned to his wife. It was then Sarah realized her mistake. Her father would take out his anger on her mother.
She watched his arm swing around almost as if in slow motion. She cried out, but she watched as the punch came down upon her mother.
She heard her mother cry for her to go up to her room. As quick as her legs could take her, she ran up the stairs. She ran towards safety from her father's anger, and her mother's pain and crying.
Opening the closet door in her room, she entered. There she kept a pillow and her blankie. She had lost count the amount of times she had fallen asleep in the closet waiting for the quiet downstairs.
Crouching in the furthest corner, she covered herself with the blanket. Her mind was screaming at her, 'It's your fault, your fault, your fault.' Her mother was downstairs being beat, because all she wanted to know was if her dad loved her.
The tears were streaming down her face now. She could hear every sound coming from down there. Every bang sent her body into almost convulsions as she listened.
"Lord, if you're up there, please, take me away from here. Mom and Dad could be happy if I wasn't here. I don't want Mom to get hit anymore. It's all my fault."
It was then she came up with an idea. She would run away. No one would miss her if she wasn't there. There would be no one looking for her, but her parents would be so happy. Getting up, she packed some things into her backpack, escaped out her window, and down the fire escape.
"Bye Mom and Dad," she whispered as she headed down the road. She didn't know where she was going, but it didn't matter. Walking and walking down roads until she didn't know where she was any longer.
She saw a park up ahead, and decided to rest there for the night. Her little legs were tired from her long walk. Finding a tunnel in the playground, she laid down in it, and took out her blankie to cover herself up. Soon the long night and walk caught up with her as she fell asleep.
She was rudely awakened from her sleep.
"What are you doing sleeping here? You should be home with your parents," said the policeman.
"I...I can't go home. Mom and Dad don't want me."
"That's nonsense. Your parents love you. I'll take you back home. Where do you live?"
Sarah shook her head wildly. "No, I can't go back there. Don't make me."
"If you aren't going to tell me, I'm taking you back to the police station. I'll find out where you belong."
He took hold of her hand, and walked with her to the police station. There she was recognized by a policeman.
Once home again, she convinced the policeman to let her walk up alone. She went up the fire escape to her room. The next morning, her parents never knew she had left. All Sarah Mackenzie felt was defeated. Her only chance of bringing happiness to her parents was gone. ~~
Mac woke up with tears streaming down her face. She didn't know how many more nights she could take of her dreams. All she wanted was peace, but her life seemed to keep her from it.
It was then she took to heart a contrived meaning from the dream. Running away from problems never worked. She had to face them straight on, and that's what she was going to do.
No longer would she let her dreams ruin her nights and days. She had a job and now a partner that was becoming more her best friend every day. That was now her purpose to make sure others are happy, and forget her own past and her own fears and tears.
TBC...
By Rita Widmer
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Rendezvous, Second Sight, basically any episode that mentions Mac's childhood.
Author's Note: Thanks to my one reviewer for reminding there are people who love the story!
WARNING: This chapter deals with domestic violence. There is not much written about the violence, but the reaction of Mac and some of her mother is written.
*************************************************************************************
"Three Little Words" by Harry Ruby and Bert Lalmar
Sung by Fred Astaire in "Three Little Words"
Three little words, Oh, what I'd give for that wonderful phrase To hear those three little words That's all I'd live for the rest of my days. And what I feel in heart they tell sincerely, No other words can tell it half so clearly. Three little words, eight little letters Which simply means I love you
*************************************************************************************
Harm's Apartment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harm heard the knock at the door at the exact moment Mac was supposed to arrive. That used to surprise him how she always came at the exact moment, but over time he had gotten used to it. Continually asking 'how do you do that?' wasn't getting him anywhere near an answer.
As soon as he opened the door, he noted the strain in Mac's whole appearance. If he had to guess, he would say she was getting no sleep and might have lost a little weight. Tonight he was going to find out what was going on. He thought the end of their case with her physically abusive husband had brought to conclusion the feelings Mac had to deal with in that case but maybe not.
He flashed her his flyboy smile as he let her in. Reaching to help her take off her coat, he watched as she shrank away from his touch. "Mac, can I help you with your coat?" he asked, skirting away from the real question he wanted to ask.
"Aww, no thanks, Harm. I'm a Marine, I think I can handle it on my own. What is that I smell cooking? At least it doesn't smell like your meatless meatloaf."
"Haha, Marine. I wouldn't do that to my jarhead again. The thought of what you would do to me sends shivers down my back."
"Your jarhead? You're lucky I like the smell of that cooking so I won't harm you for that one."
"Very funny, now go sit down at the table while I finish the food." He watched her sit down in her usual chair watching his every move.
As the dinner progressed the banter kept going, but to Harm it seemed empty. Her answers were as sharp as usual, but her smile didn't quite reach her eyes and the tone seemed almost dull.
He finally gave up pretense when they went to sit down on the couch. "Mac, you know you can tell me anything, right?"
"Of course, Harm."
"Then try to tell me what's wrong, so I can help you."
"I..I can't Harm. I wish I could, but I just can't. Just give me time, and I'll get over it."
"If its bothering you this much maybe it will help to let it out."
"Maybe one day, Harm, but its not tonight or anytime soon. I should get going. Night Harm."
He hesitated wanting to say more, but gave up for now, "Night Mac, and get some sleep."
"I will, night."
************************************
Mac's Apartment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac barely could keep her eyes open on the road home from Harm's. She was completely exhausted. Her whole body was aching from the tension within her, and she wished that she could take at least one full breath.
Tonight she hoped would be a dreamless sleep. Her mind had been torturing her with past memories of growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father. He may never have hit her, but each blow her mother received had taken a blow at her heart. It was her only her will to beat the odds that had brought her this far.
As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was asleep, but her hopes of dreamless sleep were shattered as she reached REM. This time it didn't start with the usual sound of fist hitting bones, but one simple question. A question that would haunt her in all her future relationships with men.
~~ Do you love me?" Little Sarah Mackenzie asked of her father, while tugging on his shirt. Her eyes wide with hope that he would tell her he did love her. She wanted to hear those words so badly, but once again her hopes were crushed as he turned on her. His arm barely missing her as it swung around. She didn't know if it was meant to hit her or not, but his anger was beaming at her.
The gleam in his eyes that she saw so many times turned on her mother just before he hit her was directed at her now. Unconsciously she took a step back, and loosing footage she fell to the ground.
He finally spoke to her, "Get up you, clumsy little brat. Never tug on my shirt again. Do you hear me?
"But Daddy..." That was all she could get out before her mother came up to them.
"Joe, leave her alone. All she wanted to know was do you love her. She didn't mean any harm," her mother said soothingly.
Her mother's words didn't sooth the temper of Joe Mackenzie. It only enraged him more as he turned to his wife. It was then Sarah realized her mistake. Her father would take out his anger on her mother.
She watched his arm swing around almost as if in slow motion. She cried out, but she watched as the punch came down upon her mother.
She heard her mother cry for her to go up to her room. As quick as her legs could take her, she ran up the stairs. She ran towards safety from her father's anger, and her mother's pain and crying.
Opening the closet door in her room, she entered. There she kept a pillow and her blankie. She had lost count the amount of times she had fallen asleep in the closet waiting for the quiet downstairs.
Crouching in the furthest corner, she covered herself with the blanket. Her mind was screaming at her, 'It's your fault, your fault, your fault.' Her mother was downstairs being beat, because all she wanted to know was if her dad loved her.
The tears were streaming down her face now. She could hear every sound coming from down there. Every bang sent her body into almost convulsions as she listened.
"Lord, if you're up there, please, take me away from here. Mom and Dad could be happy if I wasn't here. I don't want Mom to get hit anymore. It's all my fault."
It was then she came up with an idea. She would run away. No one would miss her if she wasn't there. There would be no one looking for her, but her parents would be so happy. Getting up, she packed some things into her backpack, escaped out her window, and down the fire escape.
"Bye Mom and Dad," she whispered as she headed down the road. She didn't know where she was going, but it didn't matter. Walking and walking down roads until she didn't know where she was any longer.
She saw a park up ahead, and decided to rest there for the night. Her little legs were tired from her long walk. Finding a tunnel in the playground, she laid down in it, and took out her blankie to cover herself up. Soon the long night and walk caught up with her as she fell asleep.
She was rudely awakened from her sleep.
"What are you doing sleeping here? You should be home with your parents," said the policeman.
"I...I can't go home. Mom and Dad don't want me."
"That's nonsense. Your parents love you. I'll take you back home. Where do you live?"
Sarah shook her head wildly. "No, I can't go back there. Don't make me."
"If you aren't going to tell me, I'm taking you back to the police station. I'll find out where you belong."
He took hold of her hand, and walked with her to the police station. There she was recognized by a policeman.
Once home again, she convinced the policeman to let her walk up alone. She went up the fire escape to her room. The next morning, her parents never knew she had left. All Sarah Mackenzie felt was defeated. Her only chance of bringing happiness to her parents was gone. ~~
Mac woke up with tears streaming down her face. She didn't know how many more nights she could take of her dreams. All she wanted was peace, but her life seemed to keep her from it.
It was then she took to heart a contrived meaning from the dream. Running away from problems never worked. She had to face them straight on, and that's what she was going to do.
No longer would she let her dreams ruin her nights and days. She had a job and now a partner that was becoming more her best friend every day. That was now her purpose to make sure others are happy, and forget her own past and her own fears and tears.
TBC...