This is my new story bringing me up to Crazy...Polgara knows what I'm talking
about. Lol.... This is part of a trilogy I'm working on. A Btvs/wwe x-over.
Disclaimer: Joss owns the Buffyverse and Vince owns WWE... that's right, rite?
Anywho enjoy and Polgara, I know you're not a WWE fan but this is a Faith centric fic.
- - - - - - - - -
God, I'm so tired. Everything is just so- and I feel like- It's like this, ya see. Day after day I fight but it seems like I'm losing every time, no matter how hard I try. Sure, I dust the Vamps, I kill the demons, I make the world a happier place. But to me, inside me, I can never win, I never will.
You're probably wondering what happened huh? Why my wrists are bandaged? Earlier tonight, I was weak, I had a weak moment. But only a moment. I covered it up, nobody knew, it'll be healed by tomorrow morning. After all, I am a Slayer. We have wicked healing powers, all of us. All, God only knows, how many of us. We're still finding them all. It's funny, isn't it? So many Slayers out there now that if something happened to me, to little ole me, I doubt I'd be missed. If I died, another girl would quickly step up to take my place a helluva lot quicker now that she's already here and they don't have to go fine her. Maybe that's why I did what I did. I had a moment of weakness. I know it was stupid but it was only a moment.
You're probably also wondering why I came up here to talk to you, huh? I'm actually wondering that myself. I mean, I'm not even talking to you. The grave is empty. It's just something everyone decided to put up as a reminder, a remembrance of what you did. You saved the world. You sacrificed yourself for that. It's a lot more than what I would've done. You kill yourself to save the world, me? I just wanted to end my miserable existence.
Why now? You ask. That's the thing. It isn't, why now. It's more like, again. Once in awhile, I become so weak. Everything I've done comes back to haunt me worst then ever. I'm sure you understand what I mean. There's only three of you that know what I mean but you're gone, one's in LA, and the other, well even though that person knows, they don't like to acknowledge it and believe it's wrong to be placed in the same category as me but it's not. We did the same thing but for different reasons, is that why she thinks we should be placed differently? I really don't know but sometimes I do feel like I've done worse. Two of you had no souls. She did it out of grief, what was my excuse? I don't have one. To this day I can't understand, I can't comprehend, what I did. But I have to live with it day after day and it's so hard but you'll never hear me admitting that to anyone.
For three years I sat in that place, listening to others go crazy from guilt, others not caring. My first few weeks there were hell. I was on my way to going insane from the guilt, I was bullied and ganged up on, I had the shit kicked out of me everyday. I could've taken each and every one of them out in a matter of minutes but I didn't, I took it. I let them do it. I believed I deserved it. Then one night, I had a dream, I never told anyone about it, you're the first, but I guess I don't have to worry about you telling anyone.
It was a visit from someone, he didn't give me a name, just said he was a friend. He was an Irish man with bad fashion sense and he told me he worked for the Power's That Be. Said they were willing to give me another chance, I just had to be patient, be strong and live. Something about that dream stuck with me and from that moment on, I took no one's shit, I fought back. I believed I had a purpose and I wanted to stay alive to find out what it was.
Then Wesley showed up and got me out of there. He said he needed my help and I thought that was what I was waiting for. The Red showed up and I went back to Sunnydale with her. Had to help the Scoobies and the potentials take care of the biggest bad of all.
Then, you know what went down. I hope you know it wasn't me who got rid of Buffy that night. I didn't want to lead those girls, I wasn't ready and I knew it. Look at what happened because of it. So many girls were hurt because I led them down to what could've been their deaths. Another thing that haunts me to this day.
But we defeated the First, Sunnydale was destroyed and we booked it the hell out of there. Went over to Europe for a year before coming back to here to settle down, the now active hellmouth of Cleveland Ohio. We've been here 6 months, bringing it up to one and a half years since Sunnydale. Buffy has set up a Slayer school here. The Watcher's council ahs been rebuilt with an office in England and one in the school here. The Scoobies, including Dawn and Andrew are Watchers. We've recruited lots of Watchers for all the ready Slayers. Giles has one, Buffy has one, I don't. They don't trust me with anyone or anything.
After Sunnydale, Angel took over the office of Wolfram And Hart. He was able to get rid of my criminal record, meaning I'm no longer a wanted woman. At least I believe it was him, we haven't talked to him since Sunnydale. Buffy and the gang thinks he must be evil or something because he took over that evil law firm. I don't believe it though, I think he's just trying to change it from the inside, it seems like something Angel would do and I wish him well. You'd think that if Angel went to the trouble of helping me out that I would just leave and go see him. It's hard to explain, but he's done a lot for me. Helped me out when no one else would, was there when no one else was. It feels wrong to ask him for any more help. Besides I have a purpose and something tells me I won't find it there. No, I'm not saying it's here either, it's just somewhere to pass the time and train. I may not have my own Slayer but I still get to help train them as a class. It's a pretty neat system they have going on here but I don't want to be here forever. I need to find my reason for being here. I don't want to be weak again. What if next time it's more then a moment? What if I do something worse?
I'm just tired of felling like this and I know that if anyone knew how I was feeling, it would be you. That's why I'm here, I just wish you were too.
Since you've been gone, I've heard many stories about you. You were in my position, counted on but not trusted. Certain things were expected but expectations were not high. They expected you to fuck things up at one point or another. I just don't understand this though, you were a monster longer then me but they accepted you and even trusted you in the end. I don't think that'll ever happen to me. I overheard Buffy telling Dawn that it was because I had a soul. That's the difference huh? It's always the difference unless you go all evil from grief, I guess that excuses you too.
But if you ha no soul, how were you able to feel all those emotions. You loved Buffy, you grieved for her when she died, you had strong emotions for Dawn as well. Your emotions were so strong for those girls that you went and seeked out your soul, willingly.
But what were you able to do to make up for your past mistakes? You've killed hundreds, if not more and when you got your soul; I heard how it made you go insane. How did you fix it? How did you get past what you did?
If there was another way to destroy the First would you have still wanted to kill yourself? I doubt it. When I first met you, in my own body, you seemed to understand what you did, realized it was bad, but seemed to accept it and live with it. Why can't I? What's so different? Why won't they give me a chance?
So, now I'm here in front of your monument, wishing there was someway you could answer me. If anyone could, it would be you.
I-I got to get out of here, I got to find my reason for being here. I haven't found it yet, I know I haven't. It's not here not with them. Not with people who will never trust me.
Listen, I got to get back before they send a group of Slayers after me. I guess to make sure I'm not killing anyone. If B's there, she's going to wonder why I'm up here, talking to you. God, she'll probably get jealous. Don't ask me of what, I don't know, that's Buffy for you.
If you're out there, listening, God that sounds stupid, but if you are, thanks for listening, I appreciate it. There's no one that will listen to me anymore, not even the new Slayers. They've been warned about me.
Yeah see I was right, B's calling me. How pathetic is this? Anyways, I'm out.
- - - - -
1 WEEK LATER
Yup, I'm back again. I know it's only been a week but I just had to get away. I came to see you last time I had a moment of weakness and no, I didn't have another one. See, look, my wrists are all healed. Guess you can't really look huh? But yeah, I'm all better, physically that is.
Buffy found out I was here. Found me as I was leaving and demanded to know what I was doing. I told her to chill but she went pushing past me and came running up here. Like what? I was knocking over your little monument? Please. What satisfaction do I get from that? But that doesn't matter, it's me, I'm not to be trusted, right?
I've been watched closer then ever. I'm going crazy. I leave only on the rare occasion when everyone is busy. They don't even notice. I guess as long as I'm there, they'll watch me but if they get distracted and then I'm gone, they just forget about me and honestly. I have no problem with that. I like being alone sometimes. I know hard to believe huh? But I'm not the same girl I used to be, I've changed, I've grown up. Just kind of wish they'd take the time to realize that too. I'm nothing like what I used to be. And if they would take the time to notice, they would see that I haven't gone out clubbing or to a bar since Sunnydale. I didn't buy the same clothes I used to wear. I think I own one pair of jeans now. I don't wear make up anymore and I haven't been with a guy since Robin. And that was only once in Sunnydale.
No, he wasn't special or anything. When he left, I wasn't devastated. I just got tired man. Tired of everything. Tired of who I was and what I did. I wanted to change and I've worked so hard to do it. I think I've accomplished something, I think I've done really well. Okay almost, I mean I still have this problem with hating myself but not as much as I used to and that's something right?
You know, coming to talk to you last time really helped. Made me realize that I had to get out of here. I already knew that but I did nothing about it. Now, I want to. I've been looking around, becoming more aware of what's out there. Something is, I know it and now I'm looking for it, doesn't that give me a better chance?
I don't really want to say anything out loud because I don't want to jinx it. I'm actually nervous but I was flipping thought the channels on TV and something caught my eyes. So now I plan to look into it more and do whatever I can. I mean they travel all the time and it can be my ticket out of here, so why not?
I'm not saying what it is yet. Gonna see what happens. I'll let you know, but I gotta get back now.
2 WEEKS LATER
I know it's been awhile but give a girl a break. Until three weeks ago, I never even came up here.
I just came to say good-bye. I'm leaving, tonight. Actually, as soon as I'm done talking to you, I'm gone. The Slayers are all out on patrol. I said I didn't want to go so Xander got to stay behind with me. He passed out soon after.
All my stuff was packed up already. I was half way down the driveway when I remembered my promise so I came back. I got a job, not exactly the kind of thing you'd see me doing but I get to travel for free, make money and maybe get closer to what I'm really looking for.
Believe it or nor, I'm a techie now. I work on a TV show, kind of a soap opera/ action kind of thing. It's a show I'm sure you've heard about it seemed to be right up your alley.
Where I'm going no one knows, I'll never be around long enough for anyone to notice me. I won't even be on TV and I'm thinking that's a god thing. I don't want B and her little Scoobies to come charging in after me demanding to know what I've been up to and if I killed anyone yet.
Listen, I just want to say thanks, for everything. I wouldn't even be doing this if I hadn't had that moment and come up here. Just talking has helped so much and I feel like I can do this, like I can get somewhere.
I hope I can come see you again here. I will if I am ever by this way and can sneak in.
Look, I gotta go and catch my bus. Gotta get to the bus depot while dodging all those busy little Slayer girls Buffy molded to her liking. I really don't think I'll be missing them. They've all started looking at me the way B has. All except for one or two. Actually there's this one girl, Julie and she actually tries to talk to me, is decent enough. But I don't want to get into it right now.
Once again, thanks and look out for me up there kay? Cause next rime we talk, I'll be working for the WWE.
Disclaimer: Joss owns the Buffyverse and Vince owns WWE... that's right, rite?
Anywho enjoy and Polgara, I know you're not a WWE fan but this is a Faith centric fic.
- - - - - - - - -
God, I'm so tired. Everything is just so- and I feel like- It's like this, ya see. Day after day I fight but it seems like I'm losing every time, no matter how hard I try. Sure, I dust the Vamps, I kill the demons, I make the world a happier place. But to me, inside me, I can never win, I never will.
You're probably wondering what happened huh? Why my wrists are bandaged? Earlier tonight, I was weak, I had a weak moment. But only a moment. I covered it up, nobody knew, it'll be healed by tomorrow morning. After all, I am a Slayer. We have wicked healing powers, all of us. All, God only knows, how many of us. We're still finding them all. It's funny, isn't it? So many Slayers out there now that if something happened to me, to little ole me, I doubt I'd be missed. If I died, another girl would quickly step up to take my place a helluva lot quicker now that she's already here and they don't have to go fine her. Maybe that's why I did what I did. I had a moment of weakness. I know it was stupid but it was only a moment.
You're probably also wondering why I came up here to talk to you, huh? I'm actually wondering that myself. I mean, I'm not even talking to you. The grave is empty. It's just something everyone decided to put up as a reminder, a remembrance of what you did. You saved the world. You sacrificed yourself for that. It's a lot more than what I would've done. You kill yourself to save the world, me? I just wanted to end my miserable existence.
Why now? You ask. That's the thing. It isn't, why now. It's more like, again. Once in awhile, I become so weak. Everything I've done comes back to haunt me worst then ever. I'm sure you understand what I mean. There's only three of you that know what I mean but you're gone, one's in LA, and the other, well even though that person knows, they don't like to acknowledge it and believe it's wrong to be placed in the same category as me but it's not. We did the same thing but for different reasons, is that why she thinks we should be placed differently? I really don't know but sometimes I do feel like I've done worse. Two of you had no souls. She did it out of grief, what was my excuse? I don't have one. To this day I can't understand, I can't comprehend, what I did. But I have to live with it day after day and it's so hard but you'll never hear me admitting that to anyone.
For three years I sat in that place, listening to others go crazy from guilt, others not caring. My first few weeks there were hell. I was on my way to going insane from the guilt, I was bullied and ganged up on, I had the shit kicked out of me everyday. I could've taken each and every one of them out in a matter of minutes but I didn't, I took it. I let them do it. I believed I deserved it. Then one night, I had a dream, I never told anyone about it, you're the first, but I guess I don't have to worry about you telling anyone.
It was a visit from someone, he didn't give me a name, just said he was a friend. He was an Irish man with bad fashion sense and he told me he worked for the Power's That Be. Said they were willing to give me another chance, I just had to be patient, be strong and live. Something about that dream stuck with me and from that moment on, I took no one's shit, I fought back. I believed I had a purpose and I wanted to stay alive to find out what it was.
Then Wesley showed up and got me out of there. He said he needed my help and I thought that was what I was waiting for. The Red showed up and I went back to Sunnydale with her. Had to help the Scoobies and the potentials take care of the biggest bad of all.
Then, you know what went down. I hope you know it wasn't me who got rid of Buffy that night. I didn't want to lead those girls, I wasn't ready and I knew it. Look at what happened because of it. So many girls were hurt because I led them down to what could've been their deaths. Another thing that haunts me to this day.
But we defeated the First, Sunnydale was destroyed and we booked it the hell out of there. Went over to Europe for a year before coming back to here to settle down, the now active hellmouth of Cleveland Ohio. We've been here 6 months, bringing it up to one and a half years since Sunnydale. Buffy has set up a Slayer school here. The Watcher's council ahs been rebuilt with an office in England and one in the school here. The Scoobies, including Dawn and Andrew are Watchers. We've recruited lots of Watchers for all the ready Slayers. Giles has one, Buffy has one, I don't. They don't trust me with anyone or anything.
After Sunnydale, Angel took over the office of Wolfram And Hart. He was able to get rid of my criminal record, meaning I'm no longer a wanted woman. At least I believe it was him, we haven't talked to him since Sunnydale. Buffy and the gang thinks he must be evil or something because he took over that evil law firm. I don't believe it though, I think he's just trying to change it from the inside, it seems like something Angel would do and I wish him well. You'd think that if Angel went to the trouble of helping me out that I would just leave and go see him. It's hard to explain, but he's done a lot for me. Helped me out when no one else would, was there when no one else was. It feels wrong to ask him for any more help. Besides I have a purpose and something tells me I won't find it there. No, I'm not saying it's here either, it's just somewhere to pass the time and train. I may not have my own Slayer but I still get to help train them as a class. It's a pretty neat system they have going on here but I don't want to be here forever. I need to find my reason for being here. I don't want to be weak again. What if next time it's more then a moment? What if I do something worse?
I'm just tired of felling like this and I know that if anyone knew how I was feeling, it would be you. That's why I'm here, I just wish you were too.
Since you've been gone, I've heard many stories about you. You were in my position, counted on but not trusted. Certain things were expected but expectations were not high. They expected you to fuck things up at one point or another. I just don't understand this though, you were a monster longer then me but they accepted you and even trusted you in the end. I don't think that'll ever happen to me. I overheard Buffy telling Dawn that it was because I had a soul. That's the difference huh? It's always the difference unless you go all evil from grief, I guess that excuses you too.
But if you ha no soul, how were you able to feel all those emotions. You loved Buffy, you grieved for her when she died, you had strong emotions for Dawn as well. Your emotions were so strong for those girls that you went and seeked out your soul, willingly.
But what were you able to do to make up for your past mistakes? You've killed hundreds, if not more and when you got your soul; I heard how it made you go insane. How did you fix it? How did you get past what you did?
If there was another way to destroy the First would you have still wanted to kill yourself? I doubt it. When I first met you, in my own body, you seemed to understand what you did, realized it was bad, but seemed to accept it and live with it. Why can't I? What's so different? Why won't they give me a chance?
So, now I'm here in front of your monument, wishing there was someway you could answer me. If anyone could, it would be you.
I-I got to get out of here, I got to find my reason for being here. I haven't found it yet, I know I haven't. It's not here not with them. Not with people who will never trust me.
Listen, I got to get back before they send a group of Slayers after me. I guess to make sure I'm not killing anyone. If B's there, she's going to wonder why I'm up here, talking to you. God, she'll probably get jealous. Don't ask me of what, I don't know, that's Buffy for you.
If you're out there, listening, God that sounds stupid, but if you are, thanks for listening, I appreciate it. There's no one that will listen to me anymore, not even the new Slayers. They've been warned about me.
Yeah see I was right, B's calling me. How pathetic is this? Anyways, I'm out.
- - - - -
1 WEEK LATER
Yup, I'm back again. I know it's only been a week but I just had to get away. I came to see you last time I had a moment of weakness and no, I didn't have another one. See, look, my wrists are all healed. Guess you can't really look huh? But yeah, I'm all better, physically that is.
Buffy found out I was here. Found me as I was leaving and demanded to know what I was doing. I told her to chill but she went pushing past me and came running up here. Like what? I was knocking over your little monument? Please. What satisfaction do I get from that? But that doesn't matter, it's me, I'm not to be trusted, right?
I've been watched closer then ever. I'm going crazy. I leave only on the rare occasion when everyone is busy. They don't even notice. I guess as long as I'm there, they'll watch me but if they get distracted and then I'm gone, they just forget about me and honestly. I have no problem with that. I like being alone sometimes. I know hard to believe huh? But I'm not the same girl I used to be, I've changed, I've grown up. Just kind of wish they'd take the time to realize that too. I'm nothing like what I used to be. And if they would take the time to notice, they would see that I haven't gone out clubbing or to a bar since Sunnydale. I didn't buy the same clothes I used to wear. I think I own one pair of jeans now. I don't wear make up anymore and I haven't been with a guy since Robin. And that was only once in Sunnydale.
No, he wasn't special or anything. When he left, I wasn't devastated. I just got tired man. Tired of everything. Tired of who I was and what I did. I wanted to change and I've worked so hard to do it. I think I've accomplished something, I think I've done really well. Okay almost, I mean I still have this problem with hating myself but not as much as I used to and that's something right?
You know, coming to talk to you last time really helped. Made me realize that I had to get out of here. I already knew that but I did nothing about it. Now, I want to. I've been looking around, becoming more aware of what's out there. Something is, I know it and now I'm looking for it, doesn't that give me a better chance?
I don't really want to say anything out loud because I don't want to jinx it. I'm actually nervous but I was flipping thought the channels on TV and something caught my eyes. So now I plan to look into it more and do whatever I can. I mean they travel all the time and it can be my ticket out of here, so why not?
I'm not saying what it is yet. Gonna see what happens. I'll let you know, but I gotta get back now.
2 WEEKS LATER
I know it's been awhile but give a girl a break. Until three weeks ago, I never even came up here.
I just came to say good-bye. I'm leaving, tonight. Actually, as soon as I'm done talking to you, I'm gone. The Slayers are all out on patrol. I said I didn't want to go so Xander got to stay behind with me. He passed out soon after.
All my stuff was packed up already. I was half way down the driveway when I remembered my promise so I came back. I got a job, not exactly the kind of thing you'd see me doing but I get to travel for free, make money and maybe get closer to what I'm really looking for.
Believe it or nor, I'm a techie now. I work on a TV show, kind of a soap opera/ action kind of thing. It's a show I'm sure you've heard about it seemed to be right up your alley.
Where I'm going no one knows, I'll never be around long enough for anyone to notice me. I won't even be on TV and I'm thinking that's a god thing. I don't want B and her little Scoobies to come charging in after me demanding to know what I've been up to and if I killed anyone yet.
Listen, I just want to say thanks, for everything. I wouldn't even be doing this if I hadn't had that moment and come up here. Just talking has helped so much and I feel like I can do this, like I can get somewhere.
I hope I can come see you again here. I will if I am ever by this way and can sneak in.
Look, I gotta go and catch my bus. Gotta get to the bus depot while dodging all those busy little Slayer girls Buffy molded to her liking. I really don't think I'll be missing them. They've all started looking at me the way B has. All except for one or two. Actually there's this one girl, Julie and she actually tries to talk to me, is decent enough. But I don't want to get into it right now.
Once again, thanks and look out for me up there kay? Cause next rime we talk, I'll be working for the WWE.