Title: More Than a Marine
Chapter Summary: After all I've been through, you turning your back on me is what hurts the worst.
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG. I know, tear. I however own this story.
Warning: Language, spouse abuse verbal and physical, and minor violence
Categories: AU/Angst/Romance
Pairing: Mac/other Mac/Harm later
Rating: PG-13
A/n: I'm so sorry on how long it has taken me. A major writers block. This has taken a lot to write just because it is such a touchy and delicate topic. I have two parts to the chapter where it changes in time. I'm sure you can figure out where it is pretty easily, and if you can't… well sorry. Also I would like to address a complaint I have widely received. Many of you want Harm and Mac right now. Well, I'm really sorry, while this will become a Harm and Mac fic, it will be a pretty long fic. Unlike many "abused" stories I have read for JAG, and I mean this not to be mean or discriminate them because most of them I love, but they have Mac get hit once or twice and bam, Harm or whoever comes and saves the day. Well, I know Mac is a strong woman, but so was my eight grade English teacher. What I'm trying to say is because of Mac's past, I don't think she would quickly run away. I tried to hint on verbal abuse before physical in the first two chapters, which would make it even harder for Mac just to walk away.
Dedication: To Miss McCoin and all of those men and women who have ever survived through any abuse and to those who are now concrete angels.
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Harm,
The other day I asked you if you could care. I asked you if you loved me like you used to and if you really cared. You never answered me, and instead, you walked away, leaving me behind with the biggest lost I've ever felt. And to think, after all I've been through, you turning your back on me is what hurts the worst. Well, Cmdr. Rabb, you got your wish. I'm gone, gone from your life and gone from mine.
I am leaving JAG today, Harm. Did you know I have been planning to leave JAG for a month now? Well, today is my last day. If you would tell Harriet and Bud goodbye for me one last time, even though I am well aware they couldn't care less about me, I need them to know, right now I miss them and little beautiful AJ who I long to hold one last time.
I am aware you guys will forget within the year about me. I will try to hold you all in my heart because you have each touched me deeply. I have long forgotten how long I have been without friends before I moved to JAG and I hope, more than anything; I will be able to look back. Goodbye Cmdr. Rabb and farewell.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Mac woke up with a smile on her face. Her eyes fixed on the man in bed beside her. His eyes were moonstones in a midnight pond as they flickered open. His bared chest was uncovered when his arm went up to wrap around her petite belly only covered by a light blue spaghetti top that laid loosely on her skinny body. Her perfect smile was concealed by a kiss as he pulled her closer to him. His hand rustled through her hair as he continued the kiss more roughly and held her tighter to him.
Pulling back, Mac mumble, "Hey," her faced meshed up in a defensive look on her face.
"Come on, Sarah," Brian said, pulling her roughly closer to him.
"Brian, please," Mac said, trying to wiggle out of his grasp only to make his face twist and him grab her waist tightly.
"Stop it," he hissed, pulling her into a kiss that would surely leave her with bruising lips. Mac laid there numb until he pushed her off with a smirk, eyeing her up and down. "Get up, dumb ass," he yelled, getting out of the bed abruptly himself. Mac stumbled out of the bed, almost tripping over her feet causing him to laugh like and eight year old at the word sex. Mac just stood there, letting his eyes roam her body as feelings flooded her bringing back the memories with her not-so-beloved father. Standing there, her body to scared to even shake in her tight, rolled up, black shorts.
He staggered over to her side of the bed, his moonstone eyes fixed on her.
"Please, Brian," Mac no less than begged as he trotted. He grabbed her wrist tightly and laughed again as she shrieked in fear and pushed her back but kept a firm grip on her wrist so she wouldn't fall.
"Please what?" he laughed heatedly before pushing her onto the bed and going into the bathroom.
As soon as the shower started, Mac began to cry. Why the hell did she have to pull away, and be so incredibly stupid? Pounding her fist onto the bed as she laid on her back, she let out a groan through her tears.
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Mac stalked into the bullpen smiling and waving at Harriet. She was exactly five minutes and twenty seconds late because of her trouble with make up covering her skin right below her lips. For the most part, she did a pretty good job covering it. Past experienced helped. Moving her arm to her sore head, she walked towards her office, hoping she was the only on who realized she was late. Taking a seat, she opened one of the seven files that were placed on her desk.
Her newest case, defending a petty officer in the Marines who was charged with disobeying an order by her CO to recheck lord knows what causing a gas leak which could possibly lead to a explosion on military grounds and such. Her job, working second chair to Bud in offers to help. Flipping through the last of the stacks, she sighed, annoyed by his approached, but didn't want to exactly say anything because obviously Bud was smarted than a dumb ass like her.
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The day past by rather quickly to her annoyance and was less than excited to get home. Tiding up her office, she took one last glance and was about to stand up when a slight knock rang through her office.
"Mac," Harm's voice sang.
"Come in," Mac said as he already had the door closing and was standing, almost leaning against it.
"Mac…" his voice trailed in her mind as he talked about the case.
"Do you care?"
"About what petty…" Harm started to asked, almost confused.
"No, about me," Mac asked sternly.
"What?" Harm asked, confused.
"You used to love me, even though it wasn't that way, like a brotherly love. Do… do you still fell that way?" Mac asked from behind her desk as she stood, awaiting the answer she was afraid wasn't going to come.
Like she thought, Harm stuttered, looking at Mac, wanting more than the world to yell, I love you, Mac, and care for you with all my heart, but stopped himself on the soul purpose that she was married. Instead, he caught her angelic eyes before turning the doorknob from behind him and slowly slipping out.
Heaven has played harsh games on Sarah. For her entire life she has felt like a pawn in some sick bastard's game. Life never seemed to work out for her. When good things did come to her they were often ripped harshly away and then replaced by something a thousand times worst. Her whole life was about playing this game and catching every bit of happiness, but at the same time erasing some part of her past. Not a second went by that she would try to remember how it used to have been in fear that the out come would take over and she would fall greater into her own pathetic hole.
For a while, drinking was her solution and a perfect one at that. Everything was okay with that next drink. Nothing could possibly go wrong when she was drinking, even though she knew it always did. Drinking caused all of her problems and yet she still turned to it when everything crashed in front of her very eyes.
It had been a year from today that Sarah quit working completely. She left JAG as a Lt. Colonel, with not a single friend. By the time she left, Harm and her completely stopped talking, not even saying hi when they passed each other in the office She hadn't talked to Harriet in forever since their fight. It had started the first time Harriet noticed the bruises on her wrist and harshly confronted her about it. And with Harriet went Bud. AJ had left her with a sorrowful goodbye and a disapproving look. Sarah had made her decision so long ago and will keep by it even today. Making her relationship with Brian work would always be more important than some job at JAG.
Sarah looked into the hated mirrors. Mirrors where the most defining things in the house. They lied to her, teasing her with what she lived with each and everyday. A darker color formed right under her lip. She had gotten it when she stupidly stayed quiet. Dumping her over-sized bag of makeup, she picked out the deep foundation and rubbed a little on her finger and slowly worked it on her chin. Adding it perfectly all over face she smiled at herself weakly. She added a bit of blush too over the darker color and then started with her eyes. Like most days, there was nothing to show there. No matter how drunk he was, or how useless she was he rarely hit her above her chest.
Thoughts of regret rained over her. Why she put up with this each and everyday she still didn't know. She always promised herself if she would ever had a child she would leave and not let it grow up around him. But where would she leave to? She doesn't know any one at this fort in Arizona and didn't stay at many of the forts to get close to anyone else. Plus, who would want her? She left JAG with everyone hating her and she had no family or money. No one would want to help a pathetic woman like her, or could she ask them to. The center for abuse women, that was for women who were beating almost to death or ones with children. She couldn't ask them to waste their time with her when there are so many other women who really needed their help.
Sarah looked at herself in the mirror one more time. He would be home within the minute and she hadn't even started supper. He would probably be too drunk to care or notice. She said a silent prayer that he would pass out on the couch so he wouldn't notice the mess or lack of dinner.
Her eternal clock was flawless and built around the reason she used them for now. As her thoughts drifted back to her childhood, she quickly flooded them with the radio. The past was then, something she refused to go back to. Too much had happened back then, too much for her to ever be able to deal with.
Instead, she walked out of the bedroom into the kitchen to heat up some rice. Turning the box over she listened as it rained into the pot and she turned on the burner. Exactly two minutes later, his car pulled into the driveway. Exactly two and a half the rice was done. The doorknob turn and a strong scent of smoke filled the small house. He staggered up the stairs, cussing with each step.
"Get your ass in here, Sarah!" he yelled. She put the pot on another burner, brushed back a strained of hair and walked head down into another night of endless terror.