A/N: And I'll get this last bit in so you can (sorta) get a better idea
where it's going.
***** Two *****
...7, 8, 9. Stop. Turn. 1, 2, 3,... Anakin paused, glanced briefly at the closed door, then returned to his pacing, sandy blond braid whipping behind him at the force of his steps. Meditating would probably be much more productive, but he didn't think he'd be able to sit still long enough to find his center. His master would be shaking his head in disappointment if he could see his padawan now. They hadn't parted on the best of terms; that was why he couldn't focus now. Why hadn't his Master told him the reason behind their separation? Perhaps if he had, they wouldn't have had such a spectacular... argument. He refused to call it a fight and reduce it to childish impulsiveness and rebellion.
Then again seeing Master Qui-Gon would accomplish very little; neither had changed their opinion and the longer they argued the more stubborn each became. Which complicated an already intense situation for Padawan Anakin Skywalker.
His Trials. When he was younger, he had thought they would involve physical and academic examinations through which he could prove his worthiness. He had only recently understood what his Master had been trying to teach him for years: the inner struggle was far more dangerous than any external obstacle. A struggle he secretly felt he was fated to lose.
With slow deep breaths, he focused on calming himself, releasing the frustration, anxiety, and excitement buzzing through his system. He dismissed his surface thoughts as inconsequential.
'Break down the overwhelming into its parts. Isolate one circuit and trace the malfunction to its source. Then repair and reintegrate.'
Unfortunately emotions were infinitely more complex than hyperdrive engines, and at the same time, frighteningly simple. Anakin knew the emotions haunting him; they had done so all his life, and remained despite the efforts of the masters.
Another deep breath and he relaxed his mental shielding slightly, allowing the Force to embrace him completely.
Anger. An emotion he was far too familiar with for a Jedi. Thoughts, faces, feelings, and images assaulted his mind as he contemplated his anger, and he struggled not to be pulled into the vortex.
~Focus on the Moment~
The reminder sounded suspiciously like his master, and he spared a thought to wonder how Master Qui-Gon was doing. Probably chatting away with Padme as though no time had passed, watching her eyes shine, hearing her laugh. Had she changed since becoming a Senator? Anakin doubted it. Nothing could destroy the warmth and compassion he remembered so vividly. He would give anything to be able to protect her from harm, to see her again. But in his absence, he knew he could trust Master Qui-Gon to watch over her.
Which directed his focus to the source of his current unrest: the argument with his master directly before his departure. THE argument. The polite, civilized, and extremely opinionated debate. He was giving it more power over his emotions than he should, he knew, but the Force urged him to consider it more carefully.
Emotional attachments.
Now that he thought about it, Master Qui-Gon had probably been about to tell him about the Trials. But that had gone right out the proverbial window after he'd heard that Qui-Gon was going to see Padme. Without him.
Love.
Now that he had some distance, he could see that he had reacted out of misplaced emotion. The dreams of his mother were getting worse and he'd transferred that buried longing for love and comfort to Padme. She belonged to the memories he cherished and Anakin knew he could love her if given the chance.
Anakin thought this confusion and the resulting anger at being denied Padme was his mistake. But his Master had argued that ~any~ emotional attachment was wrong and pointed out Anakin's reactions as proof of how harmful they could be. Which became a rather forceful debate about the Code. They had been at it for two hours before Anakin had had to either abandon the discussion or miss his transport.
'The same argument,' he realized. For as long as he could remember he'd quietly disagreed. As the dutiful padawan, he'd never really voiced his opinion, but it was out there now, spoken, and couldn't be taken back.
'Am I wrong? he questioned. He looked to the Force for guidance and as always it answered his call.
~NO.~
The strength of the reply assured him that his instincts were correct. 'Then why can't they feel that I'm right?'
Anakin gave the equivalent of a mental sigh. What the Council, the teaching masters, and even Master Qui-Gon taught were impossible for him to accept. He tried to at least understand their point of view, Force knows he'd tried. But something inside him had always screamed the wrongness of their tradition. And that's what he understood it to be: tradition, not philosophy.
"Emotional attachments eliminate the possibility of objective understanding of the will of the Force," he recalled. Learning to discern your own will from the promptings of the Force was hard enough, they'd pointed out, and a heart clouded by emotion would make this next to impossible.
But Anakin was left dumbfounded by the assumption the entire Order had made: that it was even ~possible~ to be objective. No one had yet explained this assumption to his satisfaction, although Master Yoda remained unusually silent whenever Anakin brought the topic around to love and why it was, in effect, forbidden. Even Master Qui- Gon couldn't reason his way through Anakin's mind, though he had never stopped trying. And Anakin loved him for it, for not giving up on him. Which in itself was a paradox. He loved Qui-Gon like a father, and he knew Qui-Gon loved him. The hypocrisy of it fueled his anger.
He consciously controlled his temper, detached that thought, and examined it.
'No, not hypocrisy. It only sounds that way because they really believe they *are* objective,' he realized with astonishment.
They believe that the ability to set your own needs and desires aside to serve the greater good makes it possible to *be* emotionally objective.'
And with that thought, Anakin felt a chill sweep through his soul. He felt completely alien to those who had helped raise him and train him. Because if there was one thing Anakin understood intuitively and believed with all his being, it was that the universe was subjective. For anyone, Jedi or no, emotions existed. And any attempt to deny that was a travesty against the web of life that was the Force.
At the same time, he realized that there was no one in the entire Jedi Order who would agree with him or see his point of view. Not even his beloved master.
A very old pain came back to him then. Something he hadn't felt since before Qui-Gon had taken him as padawan and assured him he had a place and was well loved.
He was alone.
***** Again, there's that cute little button that say 'GO' and you can tell me what you think.
***** Two *****
...7, 8, 9. Stop. Turn. 1, 2, 3,... Anakin paused, glanced briefly at the closed door, then returned to his pacing, sandy blond braid whipping behind him at the force of his steps. Meditating would probably be much more productive, but he didn't think he'd be able to sit still long enough to find his center. His master would be shaking his head in disappointment if he could see his padawan now. They hadn't parted on the best of terms; that was why he couldn't focus now. Why hadn't his Master told him the reason behind their separation? Perhaps if he had, they wouldn't have had such a spectacular... argument. He refused to call it a fight and reduce it to childish impulsiveness and rebellion.
Then again seeing Master Qui-Gon would accomplish very little; neither had changed their opinion and the longer they argued the more stubborn each became. Which complicated an already intense situation for Padawan Anakin Skywalker.
His Trials. When he was younger, he had thought they would involve physical and academic examinations through which he could prove his worthiness. He had only recently understood what his Master had been trying to teach him for years: the inner struggle was far more dangerous than any external obstacle. A struggle he secretly felt he was fated to lose.
With slow deep breaths, he focused on calming himself, releasing the frustration, anxiety, and excitement buzzing through his system. He dismissed his surface thoughts as inconsequential.
'Break down the overwhelming into its parts. Isolate one circuit and trace the malfunction to its source. Then repair and reintegrate.'
Unfortunately emotions were infinitely more complex than hyperdrive engines, and at the same time, frighteningly simple. Anakin knew the emotions haunting him; they had done so all his life, and remained despite the efforts of the masters.
Another deep breath and he relaxed his mental shielding slightly, allowing the Force to embrace him completely.
Anger. An emotion he was far too familiar with for a Jedi. Thoughts, faces, feelings, and images assaulted his mind as he contemplated his anger, and he struggled not to be pulled into the vortex.
~Focus on the Moment~
The reminder sounded suspiciously like his master, and he spared a thought to wonder how Master Qui-Gon was doing. Probably chatting away with Padme as though no time had passed, watching her eyes shine, hearing her laugh. Had she changed since becoming a Senator? Anakin doubted it. Nothing could destroy the warmth and compassion he remembered so vividly. He would give anything to be able to protect her from harm, to see her again. But in his absence, he knew he could trust Master Qui-Gon to watch over her.
Which directed his focus to the source of his current unrest: the argument with his master directly before his departure. THE argument. The polite, civilized, and extremely opinionated debate. He was giving it more power over his emotions than he should, he knew, but the Force urged him to consider it more carefully.
Emotional attachments.
Now that he thought about it, Master Qui-Gon had probably been about to tell him about the Trials. But that had gone right out the proverbial window after he'd heard that Qui-Gon was going to see Padme. Without him.
Love.
Now that he had some distance, he could see that he had reacted out of misplaced emotion. The dreams of his mother were getting worse and he'd transferred that buried longing for love and comfort to Padme. She belonged to the memories he cherished and Anakin knew he could love her if given the chance.
Anakin thought this confusion and the resulting anger at being denied Padme was his mistake. But his Master had argued that ~any~ emotional attachment was wrong and pointed out Anakin's reactions as proof of how harmful they could be. Which became a rather forceful debate about the Code. They had been at it for two hours before Anakin had had to either abandon the discussion or miss his transport.
'The same argument,' he realized. For as long as he could remember he'd quietly disagreed. As the dutiful padawan, he'd never really voiced his opinion, but it was out there now, spoken, and couldn't be taken back.
'Am I wrong? he questioned. He looked to the Force for guidance and as always it answered his call.
~NO.~
The strength of the reply assured him that his instincts were correct. 'Then why can't they feel that I'm right?'
Anakin gave the equivalent of a mental sigh. What the Council, the teaching masters, and even Master Qui-Gon taught were impossible for him to accept. He tried to at least understand their point of view, Force knows he'd tried. But something inside him had always screamed the wrongness of their tradition. And that's what he understood it to be: tradition, not philosophy.
"Emotional attachments eliminate the possibility of objective understanding of the will of the Force," he recalled. Learning to discern your own will from the promptings of the Force was hard enough, they'd pointed out, and a heart clouded by emotion would make this next to impossible.
But Anakin was left dumbfounded by the assumption the entire Order had made: that it was even ~possible~ to be objective. No one had yet explained this assumption to his satisfaction, although Master Yoda remained unusually silent whenever Anakin brought the topic around to love and why it was, in effect, forbidden. Even Master Qui- Gon couldn't reason his way through Anakin's mind, though he had never stopped trying. And Anakin loved him for it, for not giving up on him. Which in itself was a paradox. He loved Qui-Gon like a father, and he knew Qui-Gon loved him. The hypocrisy of it fueled his anger.
He consciously controlled his temper, detached that thought, and examined it.
'No, not hypocrisy. It only sounds that way because they really believe they *are* objective,' he realized with astonishment.
They believe that the ability to set your own needs and desires aside to serve the greater good makes it possible to *be* emotionally objective.'
And with that thought, Anakin felt a chill sweep through his soul. He felt completely alien to those who had helped raise him and train him. Because if there was one thing Anakin understood intuitively and believed with all his being, it was that the universe was subjective. For anyone, Jedi or no, emotions existed. And any attempt to deny that was a travesty against the web of life that was the Force.
At the same time, he realized that there was no one in the entire Jedi Order who would agree with him or see his point of view. Not even his beloved master.
A very old pain came back to him then. Something he hadn't felt since before Qui-Gon had taken him as padawan and assured him he had a place and was well loved.
He was alone.
***** Again, there's that cute little button that say 'GO' and you can tell me what you think.