"What's This Sensation?"

by Shelly Webster

Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne. I do not own Escaflowne. Look! Godzilla! snatches ownership papers, only to have them snatched right back I do not own Escaflowne...

A/N: Stupid muses...they went all sappy for this one. And I let them...ok, maybe I even encouraged them. But...my excuse is that I had to make up for the evils of the last chapter. Madoushi kissing. Maybe not the most obvious path...

Shout-outs:

Infinitis: Short, long, ehh...I have a hard time with long. It just stops after a few pages with me, ya know? I have liked C/D since I first read them...but that's only since probably April.

LadyThompson: You read it, mon petit! The evil muses are...they have talent, I'll give them that. You were not supposed to be able to keep up with the sorcerers. I had to rewrite bits so you wouldn't...Oh, and yes, you could keep me up until dawn arguing about my abilities, but there are better things to do when one stays up so late...

Sakura Shinguji-Albatou: I am glad Another Tear made you want to cry. That was sort of its goal, because it's about crying being a feeling, not just tears. And I cheated for claret, using a thesaurus.

Threshie: Thanks for the advice on injuries. I think it was more shock than actual bloodloss which made him lose consciousness. I know it was redundant with the madoushi and, well, dull but exciting. That was the goal: to say nothing while saying everything.

Chapter 5

The Value and Price of Perfection

After the pounding and the white haze, the next thing Dilandau knew was her kneeling at his side, gently shaking him awake. "Are you alright?"

He was confused.

"Celena? But...you're not real. How did you get here?"

She smiled, but a look of concern remained on her face. "You really are lost, soldier. You came to me, not the other way around."

He looked down to his arm. His fair complexion was even purer than usual – too blanched and sallow to mean anything good. I...I cut myself. Fuck. I. Cut. My. Self. Even here, the wound showed, though the blood was not evident.

She seemed to have a long strip of cloth. She reached for the arm. A bandage can't change the past. He made no movement, either to help or hinder her. He knew it wouldn't matter.

He felt her struggle with the limb, but his eyes were firmly closed.

When she gave an exasperated sigh, he spoke. "It's not like it makes a difference."

"Why not?" Huh? She doesn't care...Why does she sound concerned?

"Because."

After a long silence, he sighed. "Because I'll die in the end anyway. At least this way I saw it coming." Dilandau's feelings were far more complex than this, but he was too tired and empty to explain further.

"But..." She doesn't have an answer either. No one does. "Everyone dies. But you don't see them curled up and letting it happen like this."

...Or maybe she does. But that doesn't mean she's right.

"I am not curled up." It was a weak point, but fact, nonetheless.

"Does that matter?"

"Does anything matter?"

"Most people seem to think so."

"Like what? What is supposed to matter to me?"

He watched her think. She was taking a lock of the blond hair and drawing it to her mouth, teasing the end of it over her lips absent-mindedly.

"...Family. Friends. Your men. The war, I suppose...Most people say love is worth just about anything."

"Love?" His laugh showed disbelief. "I don't think it exists. Certainly not for me. I'm not allowed to love."

"What? But...everyone loves."

"No. Everyone hates." He knew this. Enough people hated him...

"I don't."

"You're supposed to hate me. You should want me dead." His eyes opened once more, trying to pry into her and understand this.

She didn't answer right away. "But that doesn't mean I do. And definitely not like this."

"Not like what? Flawed? Because it's a bit too late for that one." He chuckled bitterly. He was a screw-up and now life was fixing the problem for him. It fit. In fact, now it seemed the only just way for it all to end – the fatal flaw.

"Flawed?" She laughed lightly. "Everyone is flawed, my caballero."

"Then everyone should be gone. We're supposed to be perfect...I'm supposed to be perfect." His voice was cracking.

"But...perfection isn't real. You are...I think, anyway." She paused, sounding confused. "Flawed beings are real. We just try our best to move on from the flaws and to learn from them." She smiled.

"I don't think I have that."

"Have what?"

"The ability to learn, dumbass."

"You can be so rude!" She was clearly not happy about the name-calling, but it was like she finally understood that this was just the way he is and not a choice he made. Her voice was gentler in her reprimand than he was accustomed to.

"I know." He smirked. This isn't so terrible, being with her. Maybe we should have quit with the fighting before...before this.

She was smiling at him again. This smile...it was different. Something in her eyes...Sometimes I just wish I had some idea what she's thinking. He wasn't sure if he liked this smile. It was making his insides do flip-flops and form knots again, but now he wasn't so sure this was a bad idea.

I wonder what she'd do if I kissed her again? He squashed that thought. She is not a friend and certainly not anything like that either!

The smile grew even prettier. Oh gods. What if she saw what I was thinking? That would be so embarrassing. Wait...there's no way she could see what I'm thinking. Is there? He felt his already pale cheeks go even lighter at the thought.

"Can I have your arm now?" The anxious look was back in her eyes. He didn't like it there. It didn't feel right, especially that she was worried about him so much. No one was supposed to worry about him. It never happened before...

He lifted the arm a little, allowing her to bandage it, but trying to hide this fact. He could feel that he was failing at concealing his aid.

"Thank you." How can her voice be so soft? He saw a relieved smile as she tucked the end of the bandage in so it would not unravel.

"Why did you help me? Why were you so worried?" He didn't mean to ask the questions, but they popped out. Stupid mouth! He mentally cursed himself and quickly turned away from her, unsure if he wanted her answers, or if he would ever be ready for them.

He felt her hand turning his chin back towards her. After some resistance he let her do this.

Once their eyes were linked, she spoke. "I helped you because you needed help. And...because without you, I'd be all alone. I don't want to be all alone." He felt guilty for the moments when he was willing to let that happen and for how he had to leave her alone so much. He vowed to let himself sleep again...if he got through this. He still wasn't sure what had happened.

He saw tears in her eyes, and reached up a hand to brush them away. She blushed, but let him do so. "I know, I'm just a silly girl."

She was laughing again, but a laughter that he felt was only trying to hide sadness.

"No..."

"Are you going to be okay?" He accepted her quick change of topic.

"I don't know..." He sat upright, only to feel a serious wave of dizziness. He let himself lie back down.

"What...what happened?" He didn't want to answer. He suspected that she knew this, but she had asked anyhow.

He kept silent, but she really was getting good at forcing him to answer her. "I cut myself."

"What? You cut yourself? Why?"

I'm making her worry again...Damnit! I'm not supposed to do that! "I didn't mean to, okay? It just happened."

"Just happened? Like you suddenly just happened to start feeling you're nothing? Bullshit!"

He had never heard her actually swear before, but he knew she heard the words from him often enough. She wasn't using them so much from anger but...something else, by her tone. But she just didn't understand any of what he said or any of what he felt.

"You're the one that always complains about being all alone all the time. Well guess what, lady love, if I was here to hear it and you were alone, doesn't that mean I am nothing?" He wasn't paying attention to what he was saying, just the vast amounts of feeling backing it all up.

"Is that what you think? That I have decided you're nothing? Well, I don't go around helping nothings, so maybe next time it happens that you cut yourself, maybe I'll just not happen to help you out after all!" She was crying again. Because of him. Again.

He groaned. "I should have known you're just like everyone else."

"Who?"

"Everyone. Like I said. No one else helps me. Never has, probably never will." He ignored the fact that right now he had no idea if anything was going on with his physical body.

"But...But why?"

He shook his head, a look of apathy in his eyes. "I don't know. It's just the way things are."

"I never meant for you to think I felt you are nothing. I was just upset."

"I know." Dilandau didn't smirk this time.

"What happened then? Cutting yourself."

He took a breath, explaining it to her. "I was just...I wasn't expecting to be disturbed." As he told his story, he realized that like when he had been awake, he had no shirt on. Am I too skinny? He decided not to dwell on that – it was too late to do anything about it anyhow. She had already seen his chest now, so if he was too thin, she would know whether he covered it or not.

"Do you think out there it's getting worked out?" 'Out there'...it really is like our own little world here. He was amused by this. His own world, just the two of them.

He bit his lip after her question registered. "I can't tell. And...I don't know if I want to yet." He hated admitting that to her, but she didn't seem to be bothered by the idea that he was apparently afraid to find this out.

He wasn't sure what to say now, and she wasn't speaking either. He almost apologized for the other night...but Lord Dilandau Albatou never apologized. He figured she understood that, and that perhaps, just perhaps, she would know he meant it anyhow.

This silence was something new. Now she seemed uncomfortable about something. He smiled when he noted this.

"Look...about the other day...I think I said a lot of things I didn't mean." He could see that she meant this, but also that she was saying it just to be saying something.

Celena was still kneeling by his side, after all this time.

He leaned up and kissed her of his own volition, this time a gentle kiss, though still with some firmness to it. That's what I've been meaning to do! Before Dilandau was thinking enough to worry that she'd be upset once more at his indecorous behavior, he realized that she was returning his kiss – that she had an arm around him in case he felt weak again.

Knowing this made him feel stronger.

Finally they broke apart and she eased him back to the floor.

"Wow." Her quiet awe-filled voice and the blush covering her cheeks showed him that she had enjoyed his kiss and that maybe he was not the screw-up he had earlier suspected himself of being.

He nodded. "Wow." He reached for her and pulled her down against his chest, just holding her. His right arm was snug around her waist, the other hand stroking her hair.

Dilandau smiled.