Title: Headline in Tomorrows Banner
Author: Lawrence Payne
Timeline: All of the November 2003 storylines.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothing. A whole slew of other people own these characters and concepts.
Comments: Constructive feedback is always appreciated. :)
Archiving: If you want to, sure. Feel free. Just tell me if you do.
Summary: A reporter tackles the unsafe driving conditions in Llanview.
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Llanview Roadways Declared Unsafe.
Reporter: Lawrence Payne
This week The National Highway Safety Board declared Llanview, Pennsylvania the most dangerous city for drivers in the U.S. Llanview has had more auto-related injures, accidents, and deaths than any other city in the nation. "Llanview's highways and roadways are unsafe to drive on," said Thomas Bureaucrat, head of the National Highway Safety Administration. "It's the nation's Automotive Death Trap. For a city with a population of only a couple thousand people, it leads the nation in automotive accidents. Somehow, this small town in the hills of Pennsylvania has managed to beat cities like New York and Chicago in auto-related injuries."
The study came right on the heels of yet another auto-related incident in the woods of Llanview. A woman named Nora Buchanan was knocked into the Lantano River by an oncoming car. Her car was found disabled on the side of the road. Police believe she was attempting to flag down a car when she was struck by an oncoming vehicle that knocked her into the river. The driver of the oncoming car fled the scene. As of this printing, the fate of Nora Buchanan is currently unknown.
"It's dangerous out there!" said police officer Antonio Vega. "Between the gang problem, the baby snatching epidemic, Mitch Lawrence, and the mob, this town just isn't safe anymore."
"I never let my children drive," commented prominent local resident Vikki Davidson. "It is way too dangerous."
"That is just the sort of wussy thing Vikki would say, who cares if a bunch of idiots get hit by cars, I've got to find a way to knock off Benny-boy before he remembers who pushed him out of that window. Did I say that out loud?"
"Someone should do something," said local businessman Max Holden, owner of the Break Bar. "My wife was killed by a drunk driver 2 years ago. I haven't had a decent woman in my life since."
"I've been in 2 car accidents since coming to this town," said local resident Blair Manning. "I killed the wife of the man I love in one, then I got run off the road by my own sister."
"Drive in Llanview? Are you crazy?" questioned bartender and college student Christian Vega. "Cars are nothing but moving deathtraps in this town."
"I would rather run naked through Angel Square screaming 'Rape Me! Rape Me!' than drive," stated college student Jessica Buchanan. "Cars hate me! The first time I was hit by a car was when I was eight-years-old. The accident put me in a coma for weeks. I lost my baby in another crash a few years ago. Now I get run off the road by this crazy redhead who switched me at birth with another crazy redhead! I shake every time I sit in a car."
"Christian isn't good enough for Jenn!!" ranted motorcycle accident victim and town psycho Al Holden. "He's just going to hurt her!! I love Jenn! I'm the ONLY ONE who loves Jenn!! Jenn belongs with me!!!"
Reporter: "Sir. The question was, do you feel safe driving in Llanview?"
Al: "Ooh... No. It's not safe to drive in Llanview."
Attorney Sam Rappaport has filed a class action suit against the city citing its inept police force as the main problem. "Bo Buchanan is the worst Police Commissioner this town has ever had. He needs to be fired. He can't even keep the few criminals he has arrested in prison."
Local residents have been advised by the City Council to drive carefully and to be mindful of others on the road. But in this reporter's opinion, if you live in Llanview or any of the surrounding burrows, TAKE THE BUS!
END
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