Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Elladan: Snort! Legolas can't drive! That was so funny! Elrohir: I know, I knowwhat else can't he do? Legolas: Will you two please stop going on about thatit's becoming annoying. Elladan: I'll bet he can't program a VCR, either! Elrohir: Or do the Sunday crossword puzzle without cheating! Legolas: THAT'S IT! AuthorI give you permission to drop their pants. Do it! Do it now! Me: Your wish is my command, Lego.

Chapter 5

Elf Clubbing

The midnight blue Mustang pulled up in front of The Edge. Elladan handed the keys to the valet and the three Elves made their way to the front door of the club. A long line of people waited behind red velvet ropes to be let into the club, but the handsome Elves were granted entrance immediately, much to everyone else's annoyance.

Entering the club, they were assailed by the loud, pulsing rhythms of the music, and voices of people shouting to each other to be heard. The dance floor was packed, as was the bar.

Elbowing his way through the crowd at the bar, Elladan bought them a round of drinks. Standing in a relatively quiet corner, the three Elves observed the club.

The bar was a gigantic chrome and black leather creation, set up against a mirrored back wall. The club was decorated to resemble a warehouse, with exposed beams and cracked concrete walls and floor. Fake crates, boxes and barrels were stacked there and there along the walls. A forklift, painted fluorescent pink, was parked near the back wall. Bright neon signs hung on the walls and from the ceiling. Small tables were scattered along edges of the huge dance floor, and a D.J. was in a booth overlooking the room.

"Elladan, who told you about this club?" Elrohir asked, narrowing his eyes at his brother.

"I don't rememberI think it may have been Rogeror was it Mark?"

"Elladan, can you tell me what is missing from this club?" Legolas asked, gesturing toward the dance floor.

"What? Good music, big dance floor, cool atmosphere, well-stocked barwhat's missing?" Elladan asked, confused.

"Do you notice the dancers up in the cages?" Legolas indicated the three huge steel cages set up around the dance floor. The cages were suspended from the ceiling, elevated about six feet in the air, and swayed gently.

Elladan looked at the cages with a blank look on his face.

"Elladanthose are guys dancing in those cages," Legolas pointed out.

"Naked guys," Elrohir expanded, frowning at his twin.

"They aren't nakedthey're wearing g-strings," Elladan noticed, still completely clueless as to what the fuss was about.

"Look at the dance floor. Who's dancing?" Elrohir sighed, growing impatient.

"Everybody," Elladan said.

"Still can't see what's missing, can you, 'Dan?" Legolas asked, high amused by it all.

"For Eru's sake, 'Dan! There are no females here! They're all guys! This is a gay club, you moron!" Elrohir finally exploded. "Only you would drag us all the way downtown to a gay club!"

Elladan's face paled as recognition set in. He noticed several men standing near them, and cringed when one of them winked at him.

"We need to get out of here," Elrohir said, putting his drink down on the counter of the bar. "We can go over to the Rose clubI know that one's safe."

Before the three could move more than a step or two, Elladan found himself being dragged onto the dance floor by a very big, very beefy guy in leather pants.

"Too late," Legolas snorted, watching Elladan try to edge his way back off the dance floor, only to be pulled back in. They could see him jumping up and waving frantically at them over the heads of the other dancers.

Legolas turned to tell Elrohir that they, perhaps, should go in and rescue Elladan, but found Elrohir being dragged off to the dance floor too.

Feeling a hand on his arm, Legolas turned to look into the eyes of a barechested, muscle-bound guy with a very large, goofy grin on his face.

"You're a pretty one! Let's go dance, sweetie," the man said to Legolas, tugging on his arm.

"I think not," Legolas said, not budging from his spot. He put on his best "Do NOT Screw With Me" face, and the man backed off.

Leaning back against the bar, Legolas watched 'Dan and 'Ro with amusement. "This should be good," he thought, sipping his drink.

Seeing some kind of commotion on the dance floor, Legolas stood on his tiptoes to try to see over the heads of the dancers. He watched two of the steel cages being lowered onto the dance floor, and started to smile as he saw two dark heads being pushed into the cages.

The cages were raised, and Legolas burst into laughter, sputtering over his drink. "Manof all times not to have a camera!" He laughed, tears coming to his eyes.

Within the two cages, Elladan and Elrohir stood red-faced, gripping and shaking the bars of the cages, and yelling. Legolas couldn't hear what they were screaming over the loud music and shouts of the crowd, but he could imagine that it wasn't very nice, considering that both twins were completely naked.

Legolas drained his drink, and waved at the twins, who renewed their screaming and rattling of the cages in a frenzy. Calmly walking over to the bar, Legolas got the bartender's attention, handed the barkeep his business card, and asked to see a manager of the club.

A few moments later, a thin, short, balding man came out of an office near the bar. He motioned for Legolas to follow him into the office.

Shortly afterward, the same man, now sporting a very rumpled shirt, a black eye, and a very frightened expression, came back into the bar followed by a stern faced Legolas, and whispered something to two of the bouncers.

Within moments, Elrohir and Elladan were released from the cages, and escorted to their car, along with Legolas. Unfortunately, the bouncers had been unable to find the twins' clothing, so they were forced to drive home in their altogether, praying that they wouldn't get stopped by the police on the way.

Legolas was still chuckling madly in the back seat of the Mustang.

"Legolasdo you think you could manage to get a hold of yourself? None of this is very funny at all," Elrohir growled from the passenger seat.

"Are you kidding? This is the funniest thing I've seen in ages! You two are usually on the ones stealing someone else's clothesnot the ones being stripped! I can't wait to tell your father about this!"

"Legolas, if you say one word to anyone about this, I will personally send you to the Halls of Manos," 'Dan threatened, his fingers gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were turning white.

"Tsk, tsk, Elladandon't worry, I won't say anything. Not that you two didn't deserve itor have you forgotten about the time you put blue dye in my hair soap?"

"Legolas! That was a couple of thousand years ago! How long do you hold a grudge?" Elrohir asked, chagrinned.

"That was one of our better pranksyour hair was blue for an entire season!" Elladan laughed, forgetting for a moment that he was driving the car in the nude.

"'Dan! Don't encourage him! The entire planet will know about this! What do you think our boss will say if he finds out about it?" 'Ro admonished.

"Don't worry, 'RoI won't say a word to anyone," Legolas promised. "But don't think I'm going to forget about it, either. The image of you two screaming and rattling those cages is engraved in my memory for all eternity!"

Silently, the twins dropped a still giggling Legolas off at his hotel.

"ElrohirI'm hungry. Let's stop at Wendy's - they're open late."

The two, apparently blessed with a very short term memory, pulled into the drivethru at Wendy's, and ordered a couple of burgers, fries, and shakes. Paying the cashier, and taking the bag of food, they raised their eyebrows at the bug-eyed expression on the girl's face. Evidently, they had completely forgotten that they were naked.