~~~~*Advance Snores: RETARD RISING*~~~~
Chapter 2: The Search for Columbia
Last time on Advance Snores; Hawke was on a vendetta with Flak against Columbia and their crappy coffee. Nell was about to introduce two new characters into the mix of pure insanity. Grit was selling fake "tacos"..
Grit: HEY! No way! My tacos are made with 100% Pure lean plastic--no wait I mean beef!
Authors: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure they are * wink, wink, nudge, nudge*
Anyways, Grit was selling tacos, while Sensei watched Colin and Olaf's fight. At Yellow Comet, Kanbei thought blue moon had kidnapped Sensei and were demanding for a ransom, when in reality, Sensei just went parachuting and landed in blue moon. And at green earth, Max, Eagle, Drake and Jess were sitting in the middle of the road trying to get hit by a car. So let's check on Hawke and Flak right now!
Meanwhile, on a shoal somewhere--
Hawke: I love the smell of neotank in the mornin'
Flak: Wha.?
Hawke: Well, our troops just landed in this place
Flak: Yeah, so?
Hawke: And there were neotanks in our troops, right?
Flak: Yeah, and?
Hawke: And we're standing beside the neotanks, right?
Flak: Yeah, and?
Hawke: And I'll stick a carrot in your face if you don't shut up!
Flak: ALL RIGHT! JUST DON'T USE THE CARROT!
Hawke: Where are we?
Flak: Why don't you ask the man in a sombrero over there?
Hawke: What's a sombrero?
Flak: I dunno.
Hawke & Flak go over to the man in a sombrero
Hawke: Where are we?
Man in sombrero: You're in Mexico!
Hawke: Is Columbia here?
Man in sombrero: No, this is Mexico. Columbia is south of here
Hawke: Do you have coffee here?
Man in sombrero: No
Hawke: What do you have, then?
Man in sombrero: We have tacos and burritos and tequila
Flak: *looks at tequila bottle* what's tequila?
Man in sombrero: It's an alcohol made from crushed cacti
Hawke: So it's sort of like a vegetable?
Man in sombrero: Yes, in a way it is vegetable juice
Flak: *spits out tequila that he drank* AHHH!!! VEGETABLE JUICE!!!!
Hawke: He doesn't like vegetables
Flak: MUST. DESTROY. EVERYTHING. IN. SIGHT!!!!!
Hawke: *ducks under shelter* oh, crap
Flak goes on a rampage destroying everything except the explosives Hawke has with him
Hawke: I wonder if he'll find the Flak pacifiers?
Flak: PORK CHOPS! YAY!
Hawke: Yup. Guess I better see what he's done.*crawls out from under rock* HOLY $#!^
Flak: What?
Hawke: YOU JUST DESTROYED OUR ENTIRE ATTACK FORCE! THAT'S WHAT!
Flak: I'm sorry--
Hawke: Really?
Flak: No. But I did ruin all of Mexico!
Hawke: Oh well, you can't win them all
Flak: Wha..
Hawke: Nothing
Flak and Hawke walk south and find themselves in a giant amusement park
Hawke: Wha..!
Flak: *looking at sign* Says here we were in Mexico Land of the Culture Section of of an amusement park! It's a Small Earth! After all, the amusement park in Green Earth!
Hawke: Crap.
Flak: Hey! It says that Columbia Land is just down here!
Hawke: Really? Let's go!
Flak and Hawke blow up Columbia Land and spend a Loooooooooooooooong time at the other rides there.
Hawke: That was fun but how are we going to get home now? *spots a ride called Hurricane made by Lash Corp. Toys (a little destruction makes for a lot of fun!)* Let's use that
Flak and Hawke climb in and notice a button called launch. They wait until they're aimed at Black Hole and they push it. BLAM!!!!!! They are shot to black hole
I think it is time to go over to Orange Star and see who these new mystery characters are!
Nell: Andy and Sami, I would like you to meet..
Two people: *cutting off nell* hello
Andy: Hey.. wait a minute! I know who you two are..
Mystery person 1: I thought you said he had a bad short term memory.
Mystery person 2: I did.
MP1:Well maybe he's not as stupid as he looks
Andy: --You are the two people who served me my first double cheeseburger when I was a seven year old!
MP1: Never mind
Nell: actually these are the two writers who decided to be in this story!
Andy: Cool!
Sami: NOT COOL!
MP1: We need to think up names for ourselves
Sami: Why don't you use your regular names?
MP2: because people want us!
Andy: *Eyes widen* Really?????
MP1: No
Andy: *Eyes widen even more* Really?????
MP2: Yes
Andy: *Eyes widen to the size of a dinner plate* Really?????
MP1&2: SHUT UP!
Andy: Well you don't have to be so forceful about it
MP1: Well I've decided! My name is Tom
MP2: and I think I'm going to be Mike
Sami: well maybe you should tell us about yourselves as COs.
Mike: my units are above average attack and a little stronger defensively, I have no CO power, but I have an amazing super CO power called Supernova! It does 4 damage to all enemies, increases my attack and defense, all my movement range is increased by 2 and opponent's is decreased by 1, and my movement cost is reduced to 1!
Tom: My troops are amazingly strong and do not cost extra to deploy. My CO power makes my troops stronger and the other guys weaker for a full turn cycle. My Super CO power let's me control every infantry and mech unit of the other team for one turn and has the same effects as my normal CO power.
Sami: Cool
Tom: I my self have amazing mind manipulation skills
Andy: No you don't!
Tom: Yes I do.
Andy: Yes oh high and mighty Cool guy who rules.
Sami and Nell: //(O_o)\\ //(o_O)\\
Mike: We get that a lot
Sami: I just realized that since you two are the writers, wouldn't that completely bias almost everything that has to do with you two?
Tom: No
Sami: Yes, Sir
Tom: this is FUN!
Nell: Well is there any weakness you may have at all?
Tom: Um yeah right behind my kneecap I am really ticklish..
Nell: No that's not what I meant
Tom: Sorry. Actually yeah.. But I will need that for comic relief later on in the story
Mike: Isn't the whole story more or less comic relief?
Tom: but sometimes we need comic relief from all the comedy
Mike: I suppose
Andy: Okay! I wanna be funny! Let me think of something..*Strains brain* uhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Sami: Don't strain your brain!
Andy: Okay
Long period of silence
Mike: maybe since we have been introduced we should write about Blue moon
Another long period of silence
Tom: sure
And now let's go to blue moon, were little do they know that the Yellow Comet army is coming in quickly
Grit:* closing taco stall* Well, guess what guys?
Colin and Olaf: What? Grit: I made 10,000$ today!
Olaf: That's impressive.. But no where near as impressive as me BEATING THE RAINDROP!!!!!!
Colin, Grit and Sensei: SHUT UP!
Olaf: WHY DON"T YOU TR-
There is a large explosion and the building behind them crumbles
Olaf: What was that?!?!?!
Grit: I guess that guy ate too many tacos.
Grit, Olaf, Colin and Sensei then all spot the cause of this explosion..A Yellow Comet Medium tank!
Olaf: What is going on?!?!?!?!
Sensei: HEY! That's my tank!
Colin: TERRORISTS HI-JACKED YOUR TANK!!!!!!!!!
Sensei: Um.. I don't think so..* points at entire army of Yellow Comet troops*
Colin: Man, I didn't even know there were those many Terrorists in existence..
Olaf: QUICK! INTO THE HQ!!!!
Olaf, Colin, and Grit run into the HQ as they drag Sensei along
Kanbei pops out of a tank with a megaphone
Kanbei: YOU ARE SURROUNDED!!! WE HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ARMY, CITIES, BASES, AIRPORTS, SEAPORTS, FACTORIES, COUNTRY SIDES, FARMS, PLASTIC TACO SUPPLIERS AND MOST OF THIS CITY!!!! WE WILL NOT PAY THE RANSOM!!! SO LET SENSEI GO FREE, AND WE MAY NOT KILL YOU! ONLY INJURE YOU!
Colin: Hey! That's no terrorist!
Grit: What is he talking about? We don't have a ransom for Sensei.
Sensei: Hell, even if you guys tried to capture me I would still kick all your butts.
Blue Moon COs: HEY!
Sensei: I guess I better go before I get you guys into anymore trouble
Olaf: ANYMORE TROUBLE?!?!?!?! HE COMPLETELY DESTROYED BLUE MOON!!! WE CAN'T GET IN THAT MUCH MORE TROUBLE
Grit: Um as soon as you said anymore, he was gone
Olaf: I DON'T CARE!!!!!
Olaf has a nasty temper tantrum and ends up in a corner crying
Colin: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
Outside Sensei meets up with Sonja and Kanbei
Sensei: Hey! What's up?
Kanbei: *panicky* Did they hurt you?!
Sensei: No, actually we were just talking
Kanbei:*still panicky* They were emotionally abusing you?!
Sensei: NO!
Kanbei: Oh. Then why the heck are you here?
Sensei: I'm here on my own free will!
Sonja: See I tol...
Kanbei: I knew it! *turning to Sonja* why did you say they captured him and why did you force me to come along on this pointless massacre?
Sonja: But-
Kanbei: No buts. That's ten minutes in the timeout tank!
Sonja: aaaaaaaawnnnnnnnn
Kanbei: Get in there quick before I make it twenty minutes!
Sonja walks over to tank that has a large neon sign attached to it that says don't be naughty like this little girl! and climbs in Kanbei: that should teach her!
Sensei: I wouldn't count on that..
Kanbei: do YOU want to spend time in the timeout tank?
Sensei: No
Kanbei: Good
Sensei: Yes
Kanbei: I know
Sensei: no you don't
Kanbei: Yes I do
Sensei: No
Kanbei: Yes
Sensei: No
Kanbei: No
Sensei: Yes
Kanbei: HA I FOOLED YOU TO AGREEING TO ME! YOU SAID YES!
Sensei: So? You agreed with me first when you said "no" to trick me
Kanbei: That's it! Timeout tank time for Sensei
Kanbei picks up Sensei and stuffs him in the timeout tank and closes the lid-thingy
Okay..now while Sensei and Sonja spend their timeout in that ridiculous looking tank.
Kanbei: Hey! Do you want to spend some time in there too?
No. anyways while they spend there time in the timeout tank let's see how Green Earth is doing on their suicide attempt..
Car drives by Max, Eagle, Drake and Jess honking its horn
Max: *shaking his fist* Yeah, same to you buddy!
Eagle: This is boring. The closest thing to getting hit was when Drake got clipped by a paper boy on his bike!
Drake: Let's play..
Eagle and Jess: NO!
Drake: TWISTER!
Max: Sure, what's wrong with that?
Eagle and Jess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drake gets out Twister mat and starts playing
Drake: Max, put your right arm on a yellow dot
Max: Muscles.. too big.. can't reach.. yellow dot.. getting weaker.. falling..
Eagle and Jess (who are under Max): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Max falls and squishes them
Max: *getting up* I know the perfect game! Let's play..
Eagle: X_X anything that doesn't involve Twister or you falling on top of us..
Max: TOSS THE H-BOMB!
Everyone else: YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT GAME!
Everybody: WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! *Drake drops the bomb* NOOOOOOOOO!
The bomb blew up and destroyed everyone
Tom: O_o What the hell kind of ending was that?
Mike: I don't know, but be sure to see the next Advance Snores: Retard Rising for the answers to these questions and more!
Tom: What questions?
Mike: Oh yeah! Did Max, Eagle, Drake and Jess really get nuked? Will Kanbei ever get a better looking timeout tank? Can Blue moon repair it's destroyed country? Is everything really biased to us? And did I just write that ending because I was bored? Tune in next time to ADVANCE SNORES: RETARD RISING!
Tom: I don't like that ending. Everyone does it like that.
Mike: Boo-hoo! Too bad!
Tom: Shut up.
Chapter 2: The Search for Columbia
Last time on Advance Snores; Hawke was on a vendetta with Flak against Columbia and their crappy coffee. Nell was about to introduce two new characters into the mix of pure insanity. Grit was selling fake "tacos"..
Grit: HEY! No way! My tacos are made with 100% Pure lean plastic--no wait I mean beef!
Authors: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure they are * wink, wink, nudge, nudge*
Anyways, Grit was selling tacos, while Sensei watched Colin and Olaf's fight. At Yellow Comet, Kanbei thought blue moon had kidnapped Sensei and were demanding for a ransom, when in reality, Sensei just went parachuting and landed in blue moon. And at green earth, Max, Eagle, Drake and Jess were sitting in the middle of the road trying to get hit by a car. So let's check on Hawke and Flak right now!
Meanwhile, on a shoal somewhere--
Hawke: I love the smell of neotank in the mornin'
Flak: Wha.?
Hawke: Well, our troops just landed in this place
Flak: Yeah, so?
Hawke: And there were neotanks in our troops, right?
Flak: Yeah, and?
Hawke: And we're standing beside the neotanks, right?
Flak: Yeah, and?
Hawke: And I'll stick a carrot in your face if you don't shut up!
Flak: ALL RIGHT! JUST DON'T USE THE CARROT!
Hawke: Where are we?
Flak: Why don't you ask the man in a sombrero over there?
Hawke: What's a sombrero?
Flak: I dunno.
Hawke & Flak go over to the man in a sombrero
Hawke: Where are we?
Man in sombrero: You're in Mexico!
Hawke: Is Columbia here?
Man in sombrero: No, this is Mexico. Columbia is south of here
Hawke: Do you have coffee here?
Man in sombrero: No
Hawke: What do you have, then?
Man in sombrero: We have tacos and burritos and tequila
Flak: *looks at tequila bottle* what's tequila?
Man in sombrero: It's an alcohol made from crushed cacti
Hawke: So it's sort of like a vegetable?
Man in sombrero: Yes, in a way it is vegetable juice
Flak: *spits out tequila that he drank* AHHH!!! VEGETABLE JUICE!!!!
Hawke: He doesn't like vegetables
Flak: MUST. DESTROY. EVERYTHING. IN. SIGHT!!!!!
Hawke: *ducks under shelter* oh, crap
Flak goes on a rampage destroying everything except the explosives Hawke has with him
Hawke: I wonder if he'll find the Flak pacifiers?
Flak: PORK CHOPS! YAY!
Hawke: Yup. Guess I better see what he's done.*crawls out from under rock* HOLY $#!^
Flak: What?
Hawke: YOU JUST DESTROYED OUR ENTIRE ATTACK FORCE! THAT'S WHAT!
Flak: I'm sorry--
Hawke: Really?
Flak: No. But I did ruin all of Mexico!
Hawke: Oh well, you can't win them all
Flak: Wha..
Hawke: Nothing
Flak and Hawke walk south and find themselves in a giant amusement park
Hawke: Wha..!
Flak: *looking at sign* Says here we were in Mexico Land of the Culture Section of of an amusement park! It's a Small Earth! After all, the amusement park in Green Earth!
Hawke: Crap.
Flak: Hey! It says that Columbia Land is just down here!
Hawke: Really? Let's go!
Flak and Hawke blow up Columbia Land and spend a Loooooooooooooooong time at the other rides there.
Hawke: That was fun but how are we going to get home now? *spots a ride called Hurricane made by Lash Corp. Toys (a little destruction makes for a lot of fun!)* Let's use that
Flak and Hawke climb in and notice a button called launch. They wait until they're aimed at Black Hole and they push it. BLAM!!!!!! They are shot to black hole
I think it is time to go over to Orange Star and see who these new mystery characters are!
Nell: Andy and Sami, I would like you to meet..
Two people: *cutting off nell* hello
Andy: Hey.. wait a minute! I know who you two are..
Mystery person 1: I thought you said he had a bad short term memory.
Mystery person 2: I did.
MP1:Well maybe he's not as stupid as he looks
Andy: --You are the two people who served me my first double cheeseburger when I was a seven year old!
MP1: Never mind
Nell: actually these are the two writers who decided to be in this story!
Andy: Cool!
Sami: NOT COOL!
MP1: We need to think up names for ourselves
Sami: Why don't you use your regular names?
MP2: because people want us!
Andy: *Eyes widen* Really?????
MP1: No
Andy: *Eyes widen even more* Really?????
MP2: Yes
Andy: *Eyes widen to the size of a dinner plate* Really?????
MP1&2: SHUT UP!
Andy: Well you don't have to be so forceful about it
MP1: Well I've decided! My name is Tom
MP2: and I think I'm going to be Mike
Sami: well maybe you should tell us about yourselves as COs.
Mike: my units are above average attack and a little stronger defensively, I have no CO power, but I have an amazing super CO power called Supernova! It does 4 damage to all enemies, increases my attack and defense, all my movement range is increased by 2 and opponent's is decreased by 1, and my movement cost is reduced to 1!
Tom: My troops are amazingly strong and do not cost extra to deploy. My CO power makes my troops stronger and the other guys weaker for a full turn cycle. My Super CO power let's me control every infantry and mech unit of the other team for one turn and has the same effects as my normal CO power.
Sami: Cool
Tom: I my self have amazing mind manipulation skills
Andy: No you don't!
Tom: Yes I do.
Andy: Yes oh high and mighty Cool guy who rules.
Sami and Nell: //(O_o)\\ //(o_O)\\
Mike: We get that a lot
Sami: I just realized that since you two are the writers, wouldn't that completely bias almost everything that has to do with you two?
Tom: No
Sami: Yes, Sir
Tom: this is FUN!
Nell: Well is there any weakness you may have at all?
Tom: Um yeah right behind my kneecap I am really ticklish..
Nell: No that's not what I meant
Tom: Sorry. Actually yeah.. But I will need that for comic relief later on in the story
Mike: Isn't the whole story more or less comic relief?
Tom: but sometimes we need comic relief from all the comedy
Mike: I suppose
Andy: Okay! I wanna be funny! Let me think of something..*Strains brain* uhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Sami: Don't strain your brain!
Andy: Okay
Long period of silence
Mike: maybe since we have been introduced we should write about Blue moon
Another long period of silence
Tom: sure
And now let's go to blue moon, were little do they know that the Yellow Comet army is coming in quickly
Grit:* closing taco stall* Well, guess what guys?
Colin and Olaf: What? Grit: I made 10,000$ today!
Olaf: That's impressive.. But no where near as impressive as me BEATING THE RAINDROP!!!!!!
Colin, Grit and Sensei: SHUT UP!
Olaf: WHY DON"T YOU TR-
There is a large explosion and the building behind them crumbles
Olaf: What was that?!?!?!
Grit: I guess that guy ate too many tacos.
Grit, Olaf, Colin and Sensei then all spot the cause of this explosion..A Yellow Comet Medium tank!
Olaf: What is going on?!?!?!?!
Sensei: HEY! That's my tank!
Colin: TERRORISTS HI-JACKED YOUR TANK!!!!!!!!!
Sensei: Um.. I don't think so..* points at entire army of Yellow Comet troops*
Colin: Man, I didn't even know there were those many Terrorists in existence..
Olaf: QUICK! INTO THE HQ!!!!
Olaf, Colin, and Grit run into the HQ as they drag Sensei along
Kanbei pops out of a tank with a megaphone
Kanbei: YOU ARE SURROUNDED!!! WE HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ARMY, CITIES, BASES, AIRPORTS, SEAPORTS, FACTORIES, COUNTRY SIDES, FARMS, PLASTIC TACO SUPPLIERS AND MOST OF THIS CITY!!!! WE WILL NOT PAY THE RANSOM!!! SO LET SENSEI GO FREE, AND WE MAY NOT KILL YOU! ONLY INJURE YOU!
Colin: Hey! That's no terrorist!
Grit: What is he talking about? We don't have a ransom for Sensei.
Sensei: Hell, even if you guys tried to capture me I would still kick all your butts.
Blue Moon COs: HEY!
Sensei: I guess I better go before I get you guys into anymore trouble
Olaf: ANYMORE TROUBLE?!?!?!?! HE COMPLETELY DESTROYED BLUE MOON!!! WE CAN'T GET IN THAT MUCH MORE TROUBLE
Grit: Um as soon as you said anymore, he was gone
Olaf: I DON'T CARE!!!!!
Olaf has a nasty temper tantrum and ends up in a corner crying
Colin: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
Outside Sensei meets up with Sonja and Kanbei
Sensei: Hey! What's up?
Kanbei: *panicky* Did they hurt you?!
Sensei: No, actually we were just talking
Kanbei:*still panicky* They were emotionally abusing you?!
Sensei: NO!
Kanbei: Oh. Then why the heck are you here?
Sensei: I'm here on my own free will!
Sonja: See I tol...
Kanbei: I knew it! *turning to Sonja* why did you say they captured him and why did you force me to come along on this pointless massacre?
Sonja: But-
Kanbei: No buts. That's ten minutes in the timeout tank!
Sonja: aaaaaaaawnnnnnnnn
Kanbei: Get in there quick before I make it twenty minutes!
Sonja walks over to tank that has a large neon sign attached to it that says don't be naughty like this little girl! and climbs in Kanbei: that should teach her!
Sensei: I wouldn't count on that..
Kanbei: do YOU want to spend time in the timeout tank?
Sensei: No
Kanbei: Good
Sensei: Yes
Kanbei: I know
Sensei: no you don't
Kanbei: Yes I do
Sensei: No
Kanbei: Yes
Sensei: No
Kanbei: No
Sensei: Yes
Kanbei: HA I FOOLED YOU TO AGREEING TO ME! YOU SAID YES!
Sensei: So? You agreed with me first when you said "no" to trick me
Kanbei: That's it! Timeout tank time for Sensei
Kanbei picks up Sensei and stuffs him in the timeout tank and closes the lid-thingy
Okay..now while Sensei and Sonja spend their timeout in that ridiculous looking tank.
Kanbei: Hey! Do you want to spend some time in there too?
No. anyways while they spend there time in the timeout tank let's see how Green Earth is doing on their suicide attempt..
Car drives by Max, Eagle, Drake and Jess honking its horn
Max: *shaking his fist* Yeah, same to you buddy!
Eagle: This is boring. The closest thing to getting hit was when Drake got clipped by a paper boy on his bike!
Drake: Let's play..
Eagle and Jess: NO!
Drake: TWISTER!
Max: Sure, what's wrong with that?
Eagle and Jess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drake gets out Twister mat and starts playing
Drake: Max, put your right arm on a yellow dot
Max: Muscles.. too big.. can't reach.. yellow dot.. getting weaker.. falling..
Eagle and Jess (who are under Max): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Max falls and squishes them
Max: *getting up* I know the perfect game! Let's play..
Eagle: X_X anything that doesn't involve Twister or you falling on top of us..
Max: TOSS THE H-BOMB!
Everyone else: YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT GAME!
Everybody: WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! *Drake drops the bomb* NOOOOOOOOO!
The bomb blew up and destroyed everyone
Tom: O_o What the hell kind of ending was that?
Mike: I don't know, but be sure to see the next Advance Snores: Retard Rising for the answers to these questions and more!
Tom: What questions?
Mike: Oh yeah! Did Max, Eagle, Drake and Jess really get nuked? Will Kanbei ever get a better looking timeout tank? Can Blue moon repair it's destroyed country? Is everything really biased to us? And did I just write that ending because I was bored? Tune in next time to ADVANCE SNORES: RETARD RISING!
Tom: I don't like that ending. Everyone does it like that.
Mike: Boo-hoo! Too bad!
Tom: Shut up.