Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Elladan: That was much better. I always wanted to be a member of the Mile High Club! Anonymous Little Kid Who Adores LOTR: What's the Mile High Club? Elladan: Oh, The Mile High Club is you fu. Me: FUDGE! The Mile High Club is when you make fudge on an airplane! Who let this kid in here? Elrohirwas it you? This fic is rated PG13this kid's too young to be reading this stuff! Elrohir: It wasn't me Legolas: Tee, hee. Me: Legolas! You're the one! Oh, you are in for it now, Lego. Anonymous Little Kid Who Adores LOTR: Don't you yell at Legolas like that! He's my favorite Elf! (kicks author repeatedly in shins) Me: Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Legolas: Payback's a bitch, isn't it?
Chapter 9
Brass Monkey
The limousine dropped the three Elves at the door of Legolas' Beverly Hills home. Mansion was actually a better word for the sprawling, two story, Mediterranean Style, Spanish tiled structure, with its many archways, potted flowers and shrubs, and huge, manicured lawn.
"Wow, Legolaswe knew you were doing well, but not this well!" Elladan said, properly awed by the tremendous house. "How many bedrooms does this have?"
"10 bedrooms, six and a half baths, library, media room, den, living and dining rooms, ballroom, and kitchen. It's about 12,500 square feet total. But come in, and I'll give you the nickel tour," Legolas replied.
A short while later, Legolas left the twins in their rooms, to which their luggage had been taken by the house staff. The twins were very impressed by the entire 'Beverly-Hills-Big-Money' thing, as they referred to it. Both rested a while, before beginning to get ready for the party Legolas had mentioned.
The party was to be held at some famous actor's place - well, Legolas had said he was famous, but the twins had never heard of him. They didn't go to the movies often. When they did go, they were usually too busy playing tonsil touchdown with their dates to actually watch the movie.
"What's this guy's name, again, 'Ro?" Elladan asked, as he straightened the cuffs of his white dress shirt. His brother looked at his reflection in the mirror as he stood behind him, dressed in an identical white shirt, and matching black pants.
"JohnnyDip? Dap? I don't rememberall I remember is Legolas saying he was famous, and was staying here in the States for a short time while filming a movie."
A knock on the door brought Legolas into the room. He was dressed in a pale gray silk shirt, open at the throat, and finely tailored dark gray pants. His hair was neatly pulled back at the nape of his neck.
"You guys almost ready?" Legolas asked.
"Yup, ready, willing, and most certainly able!" laughed Elrohir. The twins moved to the bedroom door to step out into the hall.
"Guys?" Legolas smirked, "shoes?" He looked down at the twin's bare feet.
Thirty minutes later, the trio of Elves pulled up in front of a modern looking, concrete and glass home in Bel Air Estates. The home was brightly lit, and the twins could see a crowd of people inside through the huge ceiling to floor windows.
Legolas led the twins inside the house, where he was greeted every six inches or so by someone he knew. The twins looked at each other, thinking that at this rate, it would take them four hours to walk the thirty feet to the bar.
"Legolas!" called a voice from their left. Turning, the twins noticed a young man with a dark mohawk approaching Legolas.
Legolas smiled and answered, "Orlando! How are youit's been a while! I don't think I've seen you since New Zealand!"
"No, we saw each other briefly at the Oscarsremember?"
"Oh, yesoh, Orlando, I'd like you to meet two of my oldest friends. This is Elrohir, and this is Elladan. Guys, this is Orlando Bloom," Legolas said, making introductions all the way around.
'Hey," Elladan said.
"Nice hair," Elrohir said.
"Fascinatingyou're Elves, too. The only Elf I've ever known personally was Legolas."
"Guys, Orlando played me in the movies," Legolas said, seeing the blank, totally unimpressed looks on the twins' faces.
"Ohby the way Legolas, exactly why weren't we in the movies?" Elladan asked, still not impressed by the actor.
"Uhyou seeoh, look! Isn't that Neve Campbell?" Legolas said, looking behind the twins. The twins heads nearly swiveled 180 degrees on their shoulders. Legolas took the moment to roll his eyes at Orlando, who simply shrugged.
Leading the twins to the bar, he got the three of them drinks. He led them through the room, introducing them to this celebrity, or that director. When Legolas got into a longwinded discussion with an agent about whether or not the agent's client would be interested in doing a pilot for ABC, the twins took the opportunity to slip away.
"This is his idea of a party?" Elrohir asked Elladan, gesturing to the subdued room of elbow-rubbers and see-and-be-seen-with wannabes.
"Pretty dull, huh?" came a voice from behind them. Turning, they saw a tall pretty blonde looking at them. "I like, hate parties that are just an excuse to hobnob. I'm Jennifer, and these are my friends, Amber and Buffy," she said, motioning to the extremely attractive blondes behind her. All three were dressed in very low cut shirts, and very short skirts. All three also had enormous boobs, and legs that went up to their ears, which was what really caught the twins' attention.
"I'm Elrohir, and this is my brother, Elladan. We're here with Legolas Greenleaf."
"Oh, like, my GOD! Oh, wow! You know Legolas? Like personally? Omigod! I've always wanted to meet him! Can you like, introduce us? Is he as bitchin' in bed as everybody says he is? Is that the real color of his hair? My friend Amber said that it like, couldn't be, mostly, but I think it is! OmiGOD!" Buffy prattled, never taking a breath.
"Omigod, Buffy! Like, take a chill pill alreadyGOD! Like, I hate when you run off at the mouth like this, and act like some grody joanie!" Amber said, rolling her eyes at her friend.
"Um, ladiesperhaps we could find somewhere more secluded in which to continue this conversation?" Elrohir asked, smiling his debonair smile at the trio of giggling blondes. "Please, allow my brother, Elladan, to escort you, while I fetch Legolas"
The girls giggled, and surrounded a grinning Elladan. He led them up the stairs, searching for a more private locationpreferably one with one or more beds in it.
"Legolas" Elrohir said, tapping the tall Elf on the shoulder, interrupting Legolas' conversation with the agent. Turning to face his friend, Legolas gave Elrohir an inquiring look.
"Come on, Legolasyou have to come with me NOW."
"What's wrong? What did you two do, now?" Legolas asked, a worried expression crossing his face.
"Nothingyet. Come on," Elrohir said, yanking on Legolas' arm to drag him away. Legolas threw an apologetic look at the agent, and allowed Elrohir to lead him upstairs.
Poking his head in every room on the second floor, Elrohir finally found the one that Elladan and the girls had settled into.
The room was lovely, decorated in soft earthy colors, warm wooded accents, and Irish lace curtains.
It also boasted a tremendous, king-sized bed.
"Omigod! It's him! It's LEGOLAS!" cried Buffy, flinging herself on the surprised Elf. He caught her out of reflex, but the impetus pushed him against the back wall. He held the girl at arm's length, looking over her shoulder at the twins, who were busy alternately guzzling champagne from the bottles Elladan had grabbed on his way up the stairs, and nuzzling the other two blondes, on the giant king-sized bed.
Placing the girl to one side, hoping against hope that she would shut up for just five seconds, he walked over to the bed and pulled the bottle of champagne from Elladan's hand.
"Exactly what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
"Mmmf. Mmmfmm, Mffmmm," Elladan said, trying to speak around Amber's tongue as it tried to tie itself in a knot around his own.
"Oh, for Eru's sake" Legolas said. He shrugged and took a deep drink from the bottle. By this time Buffy had his pants halfway down to his ankles, and struggling seemed moot.
Morning sun filtered into the room through the Irish lace curtains, causing Legolas to stir, then groan in pain. "Oh, my head!" he murmured, putting his hand on the crown of his skull. He sat up, looking around the room. The girls were gone, and 'Ro and 'Dan were snoring on the bed.
"My, it seems like you had a good time at my party," came a voice from the door. "I didn't know you were gay."
"Argh. I'm not gay, Johnny. We had women in here last night" Legolas tried to explain to his host.
"Sure you did" Johnny smiled, eyeing the two dark haired elves spread-eagled on the bed. "All I know is that when I passed this room last night, all I heard were male voices singing "brass monkey, that funky monkey" he chuckled as he walked away down the hall.
Legolas sighed and hit his forehead with his fist, immediately regretting it because of the white-hot pain that lanced his skull. "Greatjust great! Depp's going to have this spread all over town! He still hasn't forgiven me for not letting him play Aragorn in the movies." He looked over at the twins, still snoring on the bed. "I should have killed them both after the blue hair incidentwhen it was still legal to shoot someone with an arrow."