Disclaimer: Don't own Inuyasha, though we all wish we did.
AN: The lyrics in here are 2 verses from "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd and the poem is "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost (Don't own those either). Hope you guys like this chapter. R&R!
Chapter 5: The Call of a Tired Child
"What?" Sango barely managed to get out.
Kagome's brows seemed to furrow in even more intense thought. And she nodded slowly. "Kaggie lost control." Kagome's head snapped to the side as if she was hit. And with a feral grin she continued in a lowly voice. "Poor Kaggie couldn't handle the hate." Then her eyes shone with childlike glee. "Kaggie let the monster come out and play." She said in a sing song way.
"Who are you?" Inuyasha demanded flexing his claws as he began to growl.
Kagome's face fell. "I'm Kagome, love." She said very seriously.
Inuyasha faulted at her words and pet name and his growl disappeared.
"Then who's Kaggie?" Miroku asked calmly.
Suddenly Kagome's head dropped back and released a roar. "The soul!" Without warning Kagome's body was picked up off the ground and thrown clear into the air and onto the other side of the hut and skidded to a stop next to a terrified Shippou. Kagome sat up straight with a snarl. "Who's the bitch now?" She muttered as she stood up.
"Ka-Kagome?" Shippou stuttered.
Her face immediately softened and she bent down to pick up her the kit, but Shippou bit his lip and shuffled backward toward Sango. Kagome's heart wrenched. "Oh, Shippou. I never meant to scare you. Kagg-" She stopped herself. "I'm not very well right now." Her gaze skittered over all her friends. "Kami, I'm really not right." She felt her hold on rationale slip and she snarled. "No." She mumbled. "No." She backed toward the bamboo mat and door. "I'll try to be back by morning. Then we can finish what we started." She fingered the jewel around her neck meaningfully.
"Are you going to be okay?" Miroku questioned with concern.
"I don't know." Kagome answered and ran from the hut and into the night air. She ran until she broke into the forest and then she let herself fall to the ground. "Stop talking." She told herself. 'You can't deny us forever.' A voice more feral than her own replied in her mind. "I will deny you for as long as it takes." She bellowed slamming her hand onto the dirt ground. 'Come on Kaggie, you could have fun with us, we only want to play.' A child's voice taunted. "You're as bad as him." Kagome screamed to herself. 'Father was only trying to help us, Kaggie.' The child continued. "He's trying to break me." Kagome said quietly as she moved to sit against a tree, her knees drawn up to her chin and her arms wrapped around her shins. "It shouldn't be like this." Kagome muttered. "I am one person, not three damn it." For once she received no answer.
"Kagome?" Her head turned to look at the hanyou's approaching figure. Though his face was gruff, his eyes were burning with poorly concealed concern.
"Stay with me?" She asked with a tired voice.
He nodded slowly and warily sat beside her.
"I'm scared." She whispered into her knees.
Inuyasha moved into a squat and shifted in front of her. He took her right hand carefully in his. He gently felt her slowly healing fingers with his and grimaced at their blue and purple coloring. He drew lazy circles on her hand with his thumb without thinking and looked up at her. "Who did this?"
"Cyrus." She said looking into his eyes.
"Are all these from him?" He continued his thumb movements
"Most."
"He tries to draw out the beast, doesn't he? The monster you were talking about in the hut."
"He tries. He beats me until I fight back. I've never lost control like that. It frightens me. I've never felt hate like that before. I fed off of it."
"What triggered it?" He asked his voice still uncharacteristically tender.
'Kikyou.' Kagome thought sadly and quickly pulled her hand away from his and shivered, shifting her eyes away from his face.
Inuyasha snarled quietly and sighed heavily. "Her?"
Kagome shrugged. She really didn't want to be talk about her with him right now. Not when she could lose herself so easily. "Not just." Kagome muttered as she shifted uncomfortably. "I can't talk about that right now."
"If I asked you, would you tell me what's wrong?" Inuyasha asked abruptly.
"And what would you say if I told you I am losing my mind?" Kagome's face scrunched up in disgust and she shook her head. "That I talk to myself and am tempted to bite you, to drink the blood of everyone in that hut, that my control is dangling on a very thin thread and there is no one I can talk to about it to help?"
"You can talk to me." He stated in a weak voice. Kagome's eyes rose to meet his. "I've lost control too; I know what its like to become an animal, Kagome. I could never judge you for a fault I share."
"I tried to kill it." Kagome said flatly after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.
"What?" The hanyou asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I tried to purify the demon, Inuyasha." Kagome laughed mirthlessly. "I attacked myself. This," Kagome gestured to her bandages. "is punishment, in a way. I can't sleep or lose consciousness until I've healed. The demon hold's control enough for that."
"You mentioned Kaggie, which part is that?" Inuyasha asked to reaffirm what he had heard her bellow before.
"My soul, my purity. The miko." Kagome answered reluctantly.
"Like my human half." Inuyasha stated and Kagome nodded slowly. Inuyasha's arms twitched in almost indecision. Kagome watched him with mild interest, knowing that he was debating on whether to hold her or not. Then he moved towards her and swept her gently off the ground and leapt into the branches of the tree they had sat against. Kagome let herself curl against his warmth with a smile.
"Thank you for understanding." Kagome whispered feeling for once like the 18 year old girl she had been 8 decades ago as she mentally sighed in contentment.
"Feh." Inuyasha replied and a small blush spread across his nose and cheeks.
'We like him.' The child's voice said quietly in Kagome's mind. She nodded slowly against Inuyasha's haori. 'I love him.' She agreed for once with the voices.
Morning sent bright rays of sun into the faces of the two still huddled together in the tree. Kagome came back to herself from zoning out to see Inuyasha dozing quietly his head against her shoulder. She shifted into his chest and his eyes fluttered open. His cheeks immediately flushed crimson.
Kagome laughed lightly with exhaustion. "Good morning."
"Mornin'." Inuyasha muttered as he put his arms around Kagome and dropped out of the tree. His knees bent at the impact and he let her down slowly and stepped away. Kagome immediately missed his warmth but knew that intimacy was something that he might never be comfortable with, at least not with her. Inuyasha turned silently and started heading back to the village. 'He has her.' Kagome thought to herself with regret. 'He doesn't want us.' The child cried out in her mind. 'We could kill her.' Her demon interjected. 'I intend to.' Kagome bit out mentally. Her eyes widened as she followed Inuyasha. "No." She told herself aloud.
"What?" Inuyasha asked, looking over his shoulder as he kept walking. Concern grew deeper in his eyes when she merely smiled weakly and shook her head helplessly.
'What I have right now is enough.' Kagome told herself unconvincingly. She thought of his eyes with a small smile. 'Nature's first green is gold,' the child's voice sung softly in Kagome's head. "Her hardest hue to hold." Kagome continued quietly out loud, hanging her head. Ahead of her, her hanyou's ears swiveled in her direction but he sighed and said nothing about her ramblings. "Her early leaf's a flower; but only so an hour." She muttered her eyes sorrowful at the meaning behind her ranting. "Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief," She felt a dry sob well up in her chest and she beat down the feeling calmly. She stopped her recital as a lump grew in her throat. 'So dawn goes down to day.' The child's voice prompted. "Nothing gold can stay." Kagome whimpered out dejectedly. 'He will leave you if you do nothing.' Her demon muttered bitterly. "I know, I know." Kagome said out loud, lost in her internal dialogue and unaware of the looks she was receiving from the villagers she was now walking by.
Inuyasha quietly walked trying to block out the mutterings of the woman following him. She sounded broken, and the fact that Kagome, who had always seemed so grounded, was talking to herself, broke his heart. He wasn't there to protect her from Cyrus and now he couldn't protect her from herself. Nine days ago he had realized something. He had finally admitted to himself that he wouldn't go with Kikyou to hell. He had found someone else to live for. And he had decided to tell her when she had come back. But now? He glanced over his shoulder to see Kagome's head hung and he could hear her talking quietly to herself. Why did fate have to be so cruel to him, and to her? Now his dreams of bliss seemed so far away. Kagome was slowly losing herself and he was losing her. He couldn't tell her his feelings until things were solved. How long that would take, he wasn't sure.
A loud smack and the sound of a body crumpling to the forest floor jerk Kagome out of her thoughts and internal conversation. She had been thinking about Cyrus again. The group had only been walking a short while and was now by the well. It was nighttime, they had left that night and intended to travel all night and day, to get a head start on the renewed shard hunt. Kagome eyed the well. The voices and her control were getting worse. She was positive that Cyrus was just on the other side of the well fuming at her. Kagome stopped and inched toward it. She looked down into its depths without a word. She heard her friends questioning her but she was lost in her thoughts. She needed Cyrus but he would never let her come back. She fell to her knees and placed her chin on the smooth wood of the well. Both the child's and demonic voices were talking, but Kagome was too distracted to make out more than white noise.
"Cy, I need you." She whispered as she ran her fingers along the wood. 'Bring father here.' The child's voice rang out. 'We are connected to Father, we can do so.' "He'll send me back, I can't." Kagome whispered into the well.
"Kagome!" Inuyasha's demanding voice cut through her thoughts and she turned to look at him. "Talk to me damn it. What the hell's the matter?"
'We like him, Kaggie.' The child cooed. 'He will protect us from Father's rage.' "Will you protect me?" Kagome asked quietly of Inuyasha.
Inuyasha blushed. "Feh. Of course, wench, I said I would didn't I?" He said angrily to cover his embarrassment.
"I'm going to bring Cyrus here." Kagome said standing up. The voices for once quiet. "He can help me. But he may try to bring me back."
Inuyasha snarled at that. "No one's taking you anywhere, Kagome." He said flexing his claws. Kagome smiled weakly and thanked him.
Then she turned back to the well. "I hope this works." She felt her fangs lengthen and she quickly bit deeply into her left wrist. She turned the now bleeding appendage and held it over the well, watching in morbid fascination as the well began to glow bright white as the blood hit the magic within. With her uninjured right hand she took her index finger, smeared it with blood and drew the kanji for obedience onto the lip of the well. "With blood spilt and demand made, your child calls. The sire shall obey." Then she slammed her now blood covered left hand onto the kanji. "Come!" She screamed as she heard the wood beneath her hand splinter. In an instant she felt strong arms wrap around her and a cool tongue lap up at her injured wrist. The baritone growl from behind Kagome verified that Cyrus was here and a certain hanyou was royally pissed about it. Kagome couldn't care less. She fell against the solid wall of her sire and almost cried in relief. "Thank Kami that worked." She muttered as she straightened up and stepped away from him.
She turned to see Cyrus, dressed in black slacks, a black silk button up dress shirt, black combat boots and an ankle length black leather trench coat. His black hair was cut short and spiky, and unfortunately for her, his eyes were glowing red.
"Cyrus." She called softly. "Right now is not time to punish me."
"Really." He drawled in his loud demonic voice. "Cause I was thinking that a long punishment was in order for your disobedience."
"Later, please." She begged. "I beg of you to wait to teach me a well deserved lesson. I was wrong to come, I was, Cy. But it's too late to change that. Now we are both here, and we both need to be in the best of health. Later." She soothed reaching out to touch his shoulder.
"You're going to let him beat you!?" Inuyasha bellowed snapping out of his stupor. Kagome rolled her eyes.
"Don't make me say it." She said with a tired strained voice. She looked up to meet Cyrus' eyes that were now back to their normal gray. "Sango, Miroku, Shippou, Inuyasha, this is Cyrus." She said stepping out from behind the wall that was her sire and addressed her friends. Inuyasha was raging, his knuckles white on Tetsugaiga's hilt and his eyes burning. Sango had a firm grip on her boomerang while Miroku stood calmly by with his hand resting on his staff. Cyrus turned and eyed the group. After an uncomfortable moment he nodded his head slightly in acknowledgement.
"You can release your death grip on Tetsugaiga." Kagome said with a small smile. Inuyasha 'fehed' but relaxed his stance, keeping his hand on the hilt still. Kagome looked back to Cyrus who was looking her over.
"You're hurt." He said quietly. His hand gently touching Kagome's remaining bandages. "These wounds look very familiar, little one." He said looking back up into her eyes.
"I know." She muttered despondently. "I purified myself." She mumbled.
Cyrus' eyebrow rose. "Did you?" Then he grinned dangerously. "You let it out, the demon rose, didn't it?"
Kagome recoiled from him. "Almost." She spat. "Kami, Cy. Not this shit again." She ground out.
"If someone doesn't start explaining I'm going to let you both meet Hirakoutsu, intimately." Sango almost screamed in frustration.
"I agree." Miroku offered calmly.
Cyrus gave them both a cold glare and then grabbed Kagome's elbow. "Come, little one. You called me here for a reason. Let us go some place where we can discuss this."
Kagome nodded. "I think you're the only one that can help me." Kagome saw Inuyasha's ears droop slightly at this and she almost smiled. Cyrus stepped away. "Sango, Miroku, Shippou, stay here, we will be back in an hour or two, I promise to explain later. Right now I just need Cyrus." Then Kagome turned to Inuyasha and held out her clawed hand, palm up. He looked into her eyes and nodded to the silent plea. 'I need you, too.' She thought. He hesitantly reached his hand out to meet hers. Kagome swiftly intertwined their fingers and pulled him off toward Cyrus.
Kagome sat heavily down across from Cyrus in the small clearing he had found. Inuyasha settled down next to Kagome and stared at Cyrus hostilely.
Kagome swallowed hard under Cyrus' hard gaze. "When you were first turned..." Kagome began, Cyrus' eyebrow rose in question. "Did they ever talk to you?"
Inuyasha stiffened and Cyrus shifted. "They?" He questioned.
Kagome huffed. "Like tangible aspects of yourself." She tried to explain impatiently. She was worried by the way her sire was looking at her; she had a distinct feeling that he hadn't experienced it.
Cyrus confirmed her suspicions with a shake of his head. "Though I have heard of it in those that resist the transformation."
"Celibates?" Kagome asked confused. "But I'm not, I feed, I know what I am." Inuyasha's aura darkened at those words but she felt him squeeze her hand gently. She felt a strange reassurance wash over her and she sighed.
"Tell me more." Cyrus urged.
Kagome spent the better part of the hour detailing to him the voices and their words, while of course leaving out anything to do with her feelings toward the hanyou. She finished her recollection with a frustrated growl.
"You're unbalanced, little one." Kagome gave him a cold 'you think?' glare and he continued harshly. "I didn't mean mentally, though insanity is probably a possibility too."
"Get to the point." Inuyasha bit out finally after his 50 minute silence. "Can you help her?"
Cyrus turned his cold glare on the hanyou and smirked. "As I was saying," he turned back to Kagome. "You're body and mind aren't at peace. I found my peace in releasing my demon, but as you said, you are a miko and a vampire, you can't forsake either. I don't know where you can find you're peace, but until then I suggest you fight yourself as little as possible. Not giving them something to fight might hold of the insanity."
Kagome was downtrodden at the news. She was doomed unless she found her balance, which probably wasn't going to happen. Kagome groaned in mental agony. "Shit."
Cyrus moved to comfort her, but stopped at Inuyasha's warning growl. The hanyou turned and gathered the once miko into his arms and lap. Kagome didn't cry as she wanted to but she just curled up into the warmth of the man she loved. She felt once again empty; the feeling was becoming familiar and almost comfortable.
Hello,
Is there anybody in there
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home
Come on now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again
Inuyasha helplessly cradled the woman's smaller form and whispered reassurances into her hair where he had buried his head. Cyrus watched with disinterest and then walked off when Inuyasha gave him a glare than clearly said back off. Inuyasha turned his attention Kagome's face, the blood had drained from it and she was completely limp in his arms. He grew more concerned at the completely blank, glazed look in her eyes.
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts
"Come on, Kagome." He pled softly into the crown of her head. "We can do this, you and I. Just come back, then we'll figure this out." When the woman began to shiver, Inuyasha opened his haori and drew her into the warmth of his chest without much thought. 'What am I doing?' he questioned himself.
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
"I'm tired." Kagome whispered in a hollow haunted voice.
Inuyasha almost jumped at her voice. "Course, you haven't sleep in several days."
But Kagome shook her head slowly. "Tired of being me. Tired of being weak. Tired of fighting. I can hardly remember my other life anymore. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being stuck. Make it end, make it all go away, Inu." Her emotionless tired haunting voice mumbled against his chest.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
"I'm here, Kagome." Inuyasha whispered as he stood up with her in his arms bridal style. "I'll help you; I'll help your pain go away." Inuyasha's chest was going to burst with pain he was feeling at seeing the woman he had come to love so numb.
Kagome opened her mouth and finished the lyrics the child had been singing in her head emotionlessly. "And I have become, comfortably numb."