A/N: I wanted to write a story about practical impotency. I tried to think of a pairing that would make the story more humorous than I'd originally wanted and immediately came up with Sirius and Remus, my usual pairing. And since they happen to be one of the cutest and most compatible (Maybe besides James and Sirius, or Remus and Severus... who aren't really that cute, but sort of compatible in my mind) couples I've ever written about, it made sense to write about the humorously negative aspects in their relationship. Which I thoroughly enjoyed. Please Read and Review, because this is going to be a chapter story again and I want to know if you want more. This is my first to-the-point R rating.

Disclaimer: I don't own the various characters of Harry Potter, but J.K. Rowling does. I only want to borrow them for a short while. By the way, J.K., I'll pay for that dent I left in Lupin the last time, Sirius just got a little overzealous. Also, I do not own The Old Curiosity Shop, David Copperfield, or A Tale Of Two Cities. These and other novels were written by one Mr. Charles Dickens.

WARNING: THIS IS SLASH. THIS FIC CONTAINS SEXUAL ACTIVITIES BETWEEN TWO MEMBERS OF THE SAME GENDER. IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS CONCEPT OR THE "R" RATING ON THIS FIC, THEN PLEASE READ ONE THAT IS LESS OFFENSIVE THAN THIS ONE.

Dedicated to all you sick puppies out there who love a good, gay, magical shag. Cheers!

MIDLIFE CRISIS

Chapter #1: Sex And The Werewolf

-Remus' Point Of View-

The covers were cool as Remus slid into bed, draped modestly in a blue striped nightshirt and holding a hard-back copy of "A Tale Of Two Cities" a novel by one of the late authors Charles Dickens. Remus had been itching to get his hands on this book in a muggle bookstore ever since he'd read "The Old Curiosity Shop". He adored Charles Dickens after that novel, though "David Copperfield" was a bit difficult to read and he'd sworn not to pick up another Charles Dickens book as long as he lived, but "Old Curiosity Shop" sounded so good, and he couldn't help but read the first sentence, and then the sentence after that, and the sentence after that, and before he knew it, he'd finished the whole first chapter, and he hated to start books and never finish them, so he was forced to read the rest and, to his surprise, he liked it. So he was quite ready for his next installment, and that would begin tonight.

Remus, now settled comfortably with his book opened in his lap, reached for his spectacles on his bedside table.

-Sirius' Point of View-

Sirius spat. He hated the taste of toothpaste. It was bitter, intense, like gargling saltwater and vinegar. Made him want to vomit.

The bitter mint taste still clung to his tongue and he winced just a little, looking testily into the bathroom mirror.

...

Was that... a wrinkle?

...

Was this just a figment of his imagination, or was that a strand of gray hair?

...

Was that just a figment of his imagination, or was that just –two- gray hairs?

Merlin. He was getting old. He realized this. He was aging. His mortality had finally caught up with him. The big, hulking black dog of fate was nipping at his heels. He was getting old. This, of course, went down with a spoon full of salt.

He desperately searched for a fact that would contradict his fears, assure him of his still vibrant youth.

Well... he still had a hairline that was perfectly intact. He still had that fair skin, stretched attractively across the contours of his face, and he still had his lithe, athletic body. He had his muscles, still, and his stomach was still flat as a board and just as hard, and with that came his strength and stamina. He still had energy. Who cares about a few wrinkles? And two gray hairs can't ruin a perfect mane of ebony hair. It's not like he was going to break a hip, or anything.

Sirius smiled. He was worried about nothing at all, just a wrinkle (which was damned near invisible, so it might as well not even have existed in the first place, he thought happily), and a few gray hairs. Nothing to worry about, that is, unless everyone started to carry magnifying glasses on their person at all times. In that case, Sirius might've been considered middle aged, but nothing so drastic as old.

His grin grew wider. He still had it.

'But, wait,' nagged that sinister voice in his head, the voice of Doubt, the personification the Inner Demon, 'there is one thing that you declined to ponder, Doggie-Boy'.

Sirius' grin grew a little weak. That voice was right. He'd forgotten to consider one thing, and one thing only.

His sex life.

That's what he'd forgotten. His sex life.

His grin grew wider. Well, that was certainly nothing to worry about.

...

Right?

'No, no, no, Puppy,' taunted The Voice. 'Think about it, please. How good are you and Remus in the sack, hmm? Is HE at least satisfied?'

Well, Sirius thought, The Voice DID have a point. He and Remus had at least been... adequate in their lovemaking. It wasn't exactly as mind blowing and sensational as it was when they were in the first steps of their sexual relationship and their newfound sexual appetites were now free to trot over any line of chastity they desired to. Well, of course, they were sixteen, and dealing with raging hormones and insatiable appetites for well, naughty things.

'Sex.' Corrected The Voice.

Sirius frowned. He and Remus could have shagged for DAYS, having that sort of libido. It would only make sense if their appetites... well... lessened over their many years of being together as an official couple.

'Not so confident, are you, now, Siri?' The Voice cackled.

This "Voice" was getting very irritating, Sirius thought bitterly. So the sex wasn't so absolutely breathtaking. He and Remus still coupled every night.

Well, Sirius thought, feeling as though he were shrinking, at least they coupled every other night.

Every week.

Okay, it was every week.

But they still had a sex life.

A... remnant... of a sex life.

Well, he COULD dwell on the past at least.

... right?

Once again, their sex was nothing compared to the sex they'd had when they were younger. He and Remus couldn't resist each other. If they ever felt the need to shag, they'd do it in the nearest place acceptable. That meant the nearest bed, toilet, dresser, table, hall, shower, floor, counter top, windowsill, car seat, bookshelf, and couch. In fact, they shagged on just about everything but the kitchen sink. Well... he couldn't say that. There WAS that one time on Christmas Eve in Remus' mother's kitchen...

But, point blank, their sex life just didn't have... well... it, he guessed.

Sirius frowned, leaning his head against the mirror.

-Remus' Point Of View-

'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...' Remus began silently as Sirius walked into the bedroom, shutting the lavatory door behind him. He didn't care to look up as Sirius slipped into bed beside him.

-Sirius' Point Of View-

Sirius blinked. Remus didn't even look up. Well...

Sirius decided to take another course of action.

Maybe if he and Remus...

But he had to get his attention first. Oh, what a wearisome night this would be.

Sirius moistened his lips with his tongue and slid the coverlet down to his naked waist, supporting himself on his elbow.

He looked up. No reaction. None whatsoever.

Well, he'd obviously have to try harder.

He wriggled his hips a little, pretending to get himself comfortable. He concluded that maybe a little movement would get Remus' attention.

He looked up at Remus, almost pleadingly. No reaction.

He wriggled his hips again.

He looked up.

...

There was yet to be an existing reaction. Remus was clearly –very- occupied with his evening reading. Sirius glanced up at the emerald green cover, at the gilded scrawl that was the title.

... A Tale Of Two Cities?

That was it?!

A little Muggle fiction novel was distracting his werewolf SO badly that not even a little hip-wriggling or throat-clearing or bed-slipping would so much as VEER his attentions toward something that ever more exciting than words on a page?

That just meant that Sirius would have to try harder. After all, his hard work would be well rewarded, right?

He was getting a bit impatient, so he coughed quite loudly, then wriggled his hips, then coughed again, as loud as he could.

Sirius looked up.

Lo and Behold, there was a reaction! Well, there might be a God after all.

-Remus' Point Of View-

Remus looked up from his book, eyebrows raised, spectacles lowered. "Need something, Sirius?" He asked calmly.

Sirius smiled sweetly. "Oh, nothing..." There was something quite strange about that smile. Remus, having YEARS of experience with one Mr. Sirius Black, knew just what that smile meant.

Remus gave him a reproachful glance and continued with his book.

What? Did you expect him to do anything about it?

Well, Remus was expecting at least 30 minutes of some good evening reading, and after that some well-deserved sleep.

However, what he was not expecting was for a certain Mr. Sirius Black to pounce on him and lock his lips to his.

-Sirius' Point Of View-

"Ow... ow, Sirius, your elbow is in my... ohhh... Mmmhmmmph... ohhh— Owww, Sirius, I lost pla—." Gasp, "Mmmm... Oh, Siri— Ow! Here... let me take my glasses off firs— Ow! That hurts!"

Sirius rolled off Remus immediately. He groaned. "Ahhh, this isn't going to work." He shielded his eyes dramatically with the back of his hand. All hope... lost.

"Well..." Remus added helpfully. "It was certainly, uhhh.... Spontaneous of you."

"Well, that was the point, love" Sirius added icily.

Remus looked away thoughtfully, his hair mussed, his nightshirt rumpled with the first button undone.

Then he looked back up, smiling triumphantly.

Sirius' eyes widened. Maybe hope isn't lost after all.

"You know, we could try again..." Remus said suggestively, leaning towards Sirius, unbuttoning the next three buttons of his nightshirt.

Not a half of a second passed before they were kissing again.

"Mmhmm, Sirius..." Lupin moaned as Sirius slid his hands into his hair. Suddenly Remus tried to pull away. "Sirius, you're pulling my hair."

Sirius disentangled himself from his –darling- werewolf and let out an exasperated sigh. "So my prophecy was true." He said gloomily. "I am destined to become a sexless old man."

"Sirius, you're only thirty."

"Ahhh, don't rub it in, Rem!"

"Sirius, thirty isn't really that old."

"Says who?"

"That's honestly immature."

"Well, at least ONE part of me is still vibrant in youth."

"Honestly, Sirius..."

"Alright, I challenge you to name one part of me that is still young!"

"Well..." Remus looked up thoughtfully. "You still have nice hair, I mean, I can't see any gray in it, and you still have a wonderful, youthful hairline..."

"And...?"

"And you're still pretty energetic."

"And...?"

"Well, you still have that..." Remus giggled. "Really nice body."

"And...?"

"And... well... and... Oh, Sirius, quit acting so childish, you're just fine!" Remus snapped.

"What about my skills as a lover?!"

There was a long pause.

-Remus' Point Of View-

Remus bit his lip. "I... beg your pardon?"

"What do you think about my skills as a lover?" Sirius said this slowly, as if he thought Remus couldn't understand.

Remus' first reaction was anger. How could Sirius underestimate him like that? HE PERFECTLY UNDERSTOOD! Remus shook himself lightly. No need to get angry. Best to answer the question.

He shrugged. "It's okay..."

Sirius groaned loudly and rolled over, his head buried beneath his pillow.

"No..." Remus protested, desperately attempting to find a better comment. "That's not what I meant at all! I meant—." He stopped in mid sentence. He smiled, and leaned over to stroke Sirius' shoulder blades with his fingertips, kissing the nape of his neck (A most sensitive place on a man's body, Remus once read in a Sexual Health book he'd found lying about.) softly. "You're a wonderful lover, Sirius..." He said in his greatest attempt at a seductive voice, placing another soft kiss a few inches lower, between the shoulder blades. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you make love to me." He placed another soft kiss a few inches lower, lips pressed curtly to the ridges of Sirius' spine (Another most sensitive area, said the text of the Sexual Health book. And books rarely lie, mind you.) "Not at all."

Sirius peeked out from the nether parts of the pillow. "Is that the truth?"

How could Remus lie to a pair of hazel eyes like that? No, he was not lying. He was just helpfully exaggerating, in which there is a great bit of difference. Bit of exaggeration never hurt anyone, the werewolf mused silently, loads better than lying. Remus contained a wince. How he hated fibs. But this one would help. He loved Sirius more than anything and it was a bit difficult to watch him go through his midlife crisis. The only thing his fibbing could do was help to make the situation better itself. After all, he was happy with the relationship... right?

Oh, of COURSE he bloody was.

"Now why would I lie?" Remus said, eyebrows raised.

Sirius blinked, supporting himself on his elbow again. "To reassure me of my manhood and capabilities as a sex partner."

Remus gulped. Oh, one fib adds to another, which adds to another, which adds to another. He instantly regretted fibbing in the beginning. "Well, I'd lie about that, but I'm not lying now." He said quickly.

"Well how am I to know the difference?" Sirius said testily.

Remus paused. There was only one solution. He held his breath, then plunged into it head first without hesitation.

"Just shut up and make love to me."

-Sirius' Point Of View-

Sirius blinked. What?

There was a short pause before Remus started in again. "This is no time to be inferior, Sirius."

He wearily lifted the pillow from his head and looked up at Remus. "You really so sure you want an old man inside you, love?"

"Just shut your mouth and let me kiss you."

He decided he liked this Remus better.

-Remus' Point Of View-

They were kissing again, rapidly and with as much zeal and bombast as they could stand. Remus struggled out of his nightshirt and vaguely worried if he'd split a seam, or broke a button off. With one stray hand on his inner thigh, all thoughts of lost buttons and torn nightshirts were lost in a haze of "Do me, do me, do me," and all other vague sexual references that were clouding his mind.

This, however, did not last long.

-Sirius' Point Of View-

Sirius broke away. "Wait, wait, wait, Remus."

Remus was panting. "What, Siri, what?" He said breathlessly, eyes dark and glinting.

Sirius looked down. "Well... I was thinking—."

"You were thinking? I find it hard to think when I'm groping an erection and have my tongue shoved halfway down someone's bloody throat!"

Sirius grunted in frustration. "That's not it! It's just... it's been on my mind more than I would have liked, and I was wondering... well... was there anything in particular that I did to you back then in bed that I don't do now?"

Remus paused. "Well.... There was that time when you... stripped us both naked and—." Remus looked up, eyes slightly glazed over. "— You came up behind me and reached around my waist to stroke my—."

Sirius interrupted him with a loud groan. "So that DOES mean I'm a terrible lover, now!"

"Sirius, don't say that!"

Well, let me know if you want more. More chapters to come.

- The Absynth Fairy