A/N: Okay, the only thing you need to know about this chapter is the fact that Lily is happily expecting a baby boy and this story takes place after their marriage. Also, I have gotten the ages wrong. I would like to thank () Rabid Fangirl for clearing that up for me. I don't know if I could change the whole tale around, but I WOULD like to make a point that I'll carry throughout the story: Sirius is worried about aging, and is having hallucinations. I'll try to tie it all up in the end, and maybe add something really unexpected, but, to reward you Rabid Fangirl, I'll do something with that Ron and Harry idea in later chapters. Trust me, if I think, I find a way to do it. Ideas are swimming around in my brain at this very moment. Again, thanks for this advice, I'll try to be a bit more politically correct, not only to please you all, but to please the little anal-retentive gay man inside me.
Also, this chapter was partly based on a television show on Oxygen (American television network for women) called The Sunday Night Sex Show with Dr. Sue Johansen (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about). I thought it would be fun to put Lily in that position.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Sunday Night Sex Show or Sue Johansen, nor do I own Harry Potter. But I DO own a computer, a television, and the gift of literacy. Yay for me!
WARNING: THIS STORY HAS LARGE AMOUNTS OF HOMOSEXUAL CONTENT. IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THIS, THEN LEAVE.
Dedicated to those poor souls who read my stuff.
Chapter #2: Talk Sex With Dr. Lily Potter
"Lily! Lily Potter!"
Lily gasped and whirled around, green eyes darting to the charred stone of her hearth, the source of the sudden racket. Who could be calling her at this time of evening? Hopefully it wasn't anything horrible...
Her eyes fell upon a shaggy head of dark hair and a pair of pleading hazel eyes staring up at her. "Sirius, is that you?" She murmured, walking quickly to the hearth where she would at once kneel, hands supporting her distended belly so as not to harm the child within.
"Sirius, this is truly unexpected..." She squealed upon directly viewing Sirius' face writhing in blue flames. However, that smile was short lived. Yes, yes something must be gravely wrong, she thought grimly. "Sirius... what is it?" She asked.
Sirius took the opportunity to gulp. "Lily..." Lily strained her ears. Something terrible, she knew it was something terrible, intuition told her so, she had to brace herself. "I... I need to tell you something..." Sirius said gravely, pausing for affect.
Lily's eyebrows knitted together in anticipation, her heart thudding, her face growing warm with panic. Please don't let it be a death, please.
"It's... It's about..."
About what?
WHAT?!
"It's about... Remus."
Oh, God, no, God, what was it, what was it? Is he missing an arm? Did he kill someone? Has someone hunted him? The Deatheaters? Oh, please, don't let it be anything that horrible!
Lily swallowed harshly. "What about Remus?"
"Well..."
Lily held her breath.
"It'saboutoursexlife."
Lily's eyes widened. Oh, GOD NO! POOR REMUS!
Wait... did she hear 'sex' and 'life' in that sentence?
She cleared her throat. "Wh-what?"
"It's about... our seshmife."
"What?"
"Sex life, Lily, our bloody SEXLIFE!"
Lily blinked.
Oh.
Oh.
OH!
Well... well... that was... that was... incredibly relieving... and...
Well...
Riotously funny.
Bloody HILARIOUS, even!
Sirius' Point Of View
Sirius felt his face grow hotter and hotter.
Was Lily... laughing?
Yes, yes she is, said The Voice matter-of-factly.
Sirius narrowed his eyes.
Lily was covering her mouth with her hand, giggling fitfully and arching forward, her hair moving to conceal her face, which was growing pinker and pinker by the second.
Sirius tried in vain to loosen his collar, clearing his throat noisily. It seemed as though he was losing his ability to gain people's attention, also. He groaned.
Oh, yes, said The Voice gleefully, you're withering, you fine flower you. Can't stay in bloom forever, you know.
Once again, Sirius cleared his throat in a vain attempt to get Lily's attention.
No such luck.
"If you're done laughing your pregnant arse off, I'd like to talk to you!" He shouted testily.
Lily, while still trying to regain her composure, attempted to stifle a few giggles with her hand. "Al- hahaha- alright then..." She snorted, leaning herself limply against the wall of the fireplace, swallowing deep gulps of air.
Lily's Point Of View
It had been two minutes since Sirius had politely knocked on her front door, and one minute since she'd let him in, led him to a chair, and started a kettle of tea. After her laughing fit, Sirius had confided in her his problem, and she'd suggested that they'd discuss it further over tea. Sirius accepted the invitation and here they were, sitting politely across from each other, smiling politely as the tea boiled on the stove.
Well, needless to say, Lily was growing weary of holding that sweet smile in place. She'd found it difficult to act proper in the presence of such a burden of a discussion. Finally, she let it out.
"Okay, Sirius, give me the dirt, I wanna know how the sex is, and don't skip on the details, I don't like a vague story."
"Well, um...." Obviously Sirius wasn't good at this girl-talk thing.
"Sirius..." Lily said, suddenly all business, "Just tell me frankly, spit it out."
"Well, Lil... d-do you remember how Remus and I were when our relationship started?"
"Well, James and I have walked in on you numerous times while you were shagging, and you never forget a good walk-in, now do you?"
"Well, um, yes, I suppose..."
"Get on with it, then, how's the sex?"
"I'm getting to that! It's just..." Sirius squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. "It's just, well.... D'you remember how we'd touch each other in public?"
"We've seen you molest each other in public countless times. In fact, I do remember you did it at that Order gathering and you two ended up going to the lavatory together and we heard strange noises—."
"Well, yes there was that," Sirius interrupted quickly, "But do we do that anymore?"
"No, not that I've seen."
"Well, there you go."
Lily blinked. "You mean you can't molest each other in public anymore? Well, then again, with those Public Indecency laws parliament has out, now, I do suppose you'd be afraid to, but that's honestly not a reaso—."
"No, no, not that, Lil!" Sirius shouted. "Well..." He said thoughtfully, "Maybe that's part of the case, but there's a different matter to discuss."
"So you can't get it up anymore?"
Sirius jumped spasmodically and hit the table with his knee.
"NOABSOLUTELYNOTI'MPERFECTLYPOTENTWHATEVERGAVEYOUTHATOBSURDIDIA?!"
Suddenly the kettle started to whistle. Lily jumped. "Ah, the tea's done!"
(5 Minutes Later)
Lily stirred her tea delicately. "Your knee still hurting, Sirius?"
"I'm perfectly potent..."
"Sirius, I—."
"POTENT, I tell you!"
Lily made a mental note never to question a man's potency during conversation. "Sirius, fine, you're potent, now continue on with your tale, or I'll start charging you two pounds a minute, go on." She sipped her tea quietly.
Sirius recovered quite quickly. "Well, Lil, frankly, I don't think it's a good as it used to be."
"What?"
"Haven't you been listening to me?"
"What's not as good as it used to be?" Watch him squirm, Lily thought, concealing a small smile behind the rim of her tea cup.
Sirius looked nervously from side to side. "You know what it is, Lil..." He mumbled.
"Oh no, I don't..."
Sirius looked from side-to-side again, then leaned forward, his voice dropping to a whisper, "The sex."
"Oh, the sex..." Lily said, deliberately raising her voice, which practically filled the ever-hushed dining room, empty save for two people. One a very nervous, troubled man, and the other a very frustrated lady, who was considering the two-pound fee at this very moment.
Sirius hit the table spasmodically again, rattling china amongst other things. "D'you want the whole of Godric's Hollow to hear about my personal problems?!"
"Sirius, don't be absurd. No one heard me. Now continue talking, I'm considering the Two-Pound-A-Minute fee as we speak." Lily said cheerfully, stirring her tea.
"I've lost my concentration."
"Well, then I have a question for you, then."
"And that would be?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"Well..." Lily said, stirring her tea carefully. "From what I gather... You're having problems with your sex life. It's not so great as it was. Am I correct?"
"Naturally..."
"D'you think you're getting old, Siri?"
"Quite old."
"D'you wish you could go back?"
"Doesn't everyone?"
"That's it!" Lily shouted triumphantly, slamming her spoon down on the table. "Sirius, you're panicking, and you've tricked yourself into thinking you're going through your mid-life crisis."
"My mid-life what?"
"Mid-life Crisis. It's when you feel as though you've gotten too old, and you struggle to regain your youth."
"But I'm only thirty..."
"Now that you agree, that's correct. You don't have your mid-life crisis at thirty. The only problem is that you think you're too old."
"How can I trick myself into seeing a wrinkle and two gray hairs?!"
"It was either an eyelash and a trick of the light, or a hallucination."
Sirius didn't look entertained.
"Look, look, look," Said Lily confidently. "What you are going through is a sexual slump. You've either lost the desire to have sex as frequently as you did, or you feel too inferior to do it. My guess is that it's a mixture of both."
Once again, Sirius looked anything but enlightened.
"The problem is, you've run out of new things to do. You and Remus have settled into the relationship. Personally, I think Remus feels fulfilled without the sex, but that's really not the point. Yes, you've fallen into a sexual slump. And to solve this problem, I need you to answer a question."
"Yessss?" Sirius answered through clenched teeth.
"Did you ever do anything during sex that really turned Remus on?"
Sirius' cheeks reddened and he loosened his collar. "Ummm... well, Remus keeps raving about that night that I stripped us both naked—"
Lily's eyes widened.
"— and I came up behind him and reached around his waist to stroke his—."
"That's it!" Lily suddenly shouted. "You need to do exactly that! Find out what really turns Remus on."
"Remus told me that merely being with me turns him on, though."
"Quite frankly, my dear, he is most likely lying...."
"And why, pray tell, would he do that?!"
"To reassure you of your manhood and capabilities as a sex partner." Lily said simply, sipping her lukewarm tea delicately.
"Well...."
"Anyway," Lily interrupted. "You can't just hump each other and expect mind blowing results, Sirius, it just doesn't work that way."
Sirius knitted his eyebrows together and cast his gaze downward. "But we did that before and it was incredible."
Lily raised an eyebrow. "In exactly what context?"
Eeeeeeeh, this is a little after note. There are going to be more chapters than expected, and I hope that makes someone happy. I've been distracted recently by web-strip called Boy Meets Boy by K Sandra Fuhr. Some of my work in later chapters will bi influenced by that.
The Absynth Fairy