"It should have been me," stated Malcolm firmly.
"Travis knew what he was getting into, Malcolm. We'll all miss him terribly. But you, Anne, and I- he gave us a special gift. We owe it to him to go on and live our lives. He wanted you to be able to raise Anne."
"It was my duty," he replied, sounding as dry as though he was giving the weather report back on Earth.
"I know. Travis knew it, too. He wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this."
"Hoshi, how can you possibly expect me not to feel guilty?"
"I don't expect you not to feel guilty. I just think you're taking it a little far."
"Another man died doing my job. How far, exactly, is too far?"
"When you crawl into your shell and shut everyone else out." Well. He hadn't been expecting a solid answer. Hoshi Sato never ceased to amaze him.
He owed it to her –and, he supposed, to Travis- to be honest. "I don't know what else to do, Hoshi. It should have been me. How can I forget that?"
"You don't have to. What you're forgetting is that Travis knew what he was doing, and he did it anyway. We'll get through this, Malcolm. It won't always hurt so much."
"He wanted me to be able to raise my daughter, but my personal life is interfering with my duties. I'm going to request a transfer to Earth; Research and Development, probably."
"Are you running away?"
"Maybe I am. All I know is that Travis died so I could be a father, and I can't throw that away. A Starfleet vessel isn't an appropriate place to raise a child." Perhaps that was the beginning of his acceptance. Hoshi dearly hoped so. Travis's death hurt more than any phase pistol she'd encountered, and she never expected the sense of loss to fully go away. To lose herself in it, though, was exactly what Travis would not have wanted. She knew that at his funeral she was going to be an emotional wreck, yet she knew that Anne was going to bring her joy and Travis would not want her to miss out on a second of it.
"That's what a lot of people told us."
"They were right. We have to leave."
"The thought had crossed my mind," she admitted. "I want Anne to be safe." Tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm going to miss him. He was a good friend." She'd once heard something that made no sense, and now she understood perfectly. Often, it is harder to accept a sacrifice than it is to make it.
"Travis was a good man."
"He just loved it out here. He loved life, and piloting. Sometimes when I wondered what we're doing out here, I thought of Travis and his enthusiasm, and I saw."
Two themes merged into one in the conversation. Travis and the future were held together by his sacrifice, which had changed everything. Hoshi leaned in and pulled Malcolm into a hug. "I know we're going to be okay, but it hurts."
Most of his life, Malcolm had fought the emotions that ran in him. The past three years he had changed for the better, but it was so easy to fall back on his old habits when things got difficult. He forced himself to press onward, for Hoshi and for Anne. "Yes, it does." He sighed, realizing that he would not have been able to feel his daughter move and hug the woman he loved if not for Travis's sacrifice. Soon, he would tell Hoshi how he felt. It seemed like something he should have done a long time ago. For now, though, he was content to know that there was someone who understood him and shared his pain. "Bloody hell, it hurts." It felt good to admit it aloud.