Our Wild Middle Earth: A LOTR Fanfic
Chapter 2: The First Episode
"Legolas, are you sure we can borrow your dad's camera?" Haldir asked, as the four of them snuck into Thranduil's study.
"Of course we can," Legolas reassured. He opened the closet door and saw the camera, along with blank tapes, a tripod, and the cable hookup, on the top shelf. "Why did he put it up so high?"
"Probably so we wouldn't get at it," Elohir said.
Legolas pulled a chair up in front of the closet and stood up on it. He reached up and grabbed the camera. "Somebody take this!" he said.
Elladan grabbed the camera from Legolas, who then got down the tapes, the tripod, and the cables. "I got it all," he said.
"Great, now let's go before your dad catches us," Haldir said. They quickly left the room.
After carrying the equipment to their secret fort in the woods, the four Elves had to decide where to film the first episode.
"I say we go to the Shire," Elohir said. "Hobbits seem like strange creatures."
"No, no. Let's go to Harad," said Haldir. "The Haradrim are creepy people."
"I say we go to Moria," said Elladan. "And check out those weird Dwarves."
"Why don't we start out here?" asked Legolas. "We could do our first episode on Mirkwood Spiders." He looked at the other three to get their approval. "Well? What do you think?"
"Sounds good to me," Elohir said. Elladan and Haldir nodded.
"Then it's settled," said Legolas. "We venture to the depths of Mirkwood to inform the world of the amazing but creepy Mirkwood Spider."
"Let's get going!" Haldir exclaimed. They packed the video equipment into some bags and headed off towards the woods.
After traveling for several hours, Legolas spotted the perfect area to begin filming. There were giant spiders everywhere.
"Let's stop here," he said, setting down the camera bag. "This is the perfect spot."
They looked around at the spider webs strung between the trees, and the huge black spiders that were on them.
"We're scared!" Elladan and Elohir exclaimed as they crouched down behind Haldir and Legolas.
"Don't be babies, guys!" Haldir said. "Now get up!"
"Who wants to be cameraman?" Legolas asked.
"I will! I will!" Haldir said excitedly, and he jumped up and down.
"Good! Now who wants to be in charge of sound?" Legolas said.
"Me!" exclaimed Elohir.
"Okay, so Elladan, you're the director," said Legolas.
"What? Why can't I be on camera?" Elladan asked.
"Because I'm the star!" Legolas shouted, and he fluffed his hair. "And anyway, I'm easier on the eyes." He pulled a mirror out of his pocket and examined himself. "Oh my! I can't be on camera looking like this!" He pulled out a small box out of his pocket. After muttering an Elven spell, the box opened up into a full-size vanity, complete with all the necessary beauty supplies. Legolas sat down on the stool and opened a few vanity drawers. He pulled out a bottle of 'Sheer Elf Max Hold Hair Spray', 'Sheer Elf Shine Spray', a box of teet-whitening strips, concealer, powder, an eyelash curler, a tweezers, and some clear lip gloss. He gazed at himself in the mirror and put on the strips. Then, he applied the concealer and powder, followed that by curling his eyelashes, sprayed on some hair spray and shine spray, plucked a few stray hairs from his eyebrows, and put on the lip gloss. He then removed the strips and smiled at himself. After putting everything away, he got up from the stool, muttered another Elven spell, and the vanity disappeared. He picked up the remaining small box and put it back in his pocket.
"How do I look?" he asked, batting his eyelashes.
Elladan, Elohir, and Haldir looked at eachother with questioning looks, and just shrugged. "Let's get going on this episode," Haldir said. He got out the camera and tripod and set it up. Elohir got out the sound equipment and set that up, and Elladan took out the expandable director's chair they had packed. Legolas took out a small mirror and did a quick makeup check before putting it away and standing in front of the camera.
"Are we all ready?" asked Elladan. They all nodded. "Okay, let's roll! Action!"
Haldir turned on the camera and zoomed in on Legolas.
"Hi, I'm Legolas Greenleaf, and welcome to the first episode of 'Our Wild Middle Earth'. Today, we will be taking a look at the amazing Mirkwood Spider."
Haldir turned the camera to the huge spiders lurking in the background.
"Haldir! Haldir!" Legolas said. "You're supposed to be focusing on me!"
Haldir turned the camera back to Legolas. "As I was saying, we will be taking a closer look at the creatures who call these woods home. Follow me as I venture into the darkness to get a peek at these awesome spiders."
Haldir removed the camera from the tripod and followed Legolas farther into the woods. Elladan and Elohir were not far behind.
Legolas brushed some branches out of his way, which was not a smart idea. Those branches came crashing into the camera, and scratched the rest of the crew.
"Sorry!" Legolas said. He stopped in a clearing that was surrounded by spiders. "This is a perfect area to observe the Mirkwood Spider," he said to the camera. "As you can see, they build huge webs between trees. Even though most spiders stay in their own web, there are some who hide among the trees and wait for their prey. They also like to hide in the treetops and stalk from above..."
As Legolas continued to talk, a big spider made its way down from the treetops and landed on Legolas' head. Haldir spotted it quickly and froze. "Le...Le...Legolas!"
"And as...what is it now, Haldir?" Legolas asked.
Haldir pointed at Legolas' head. "Spi...spi...spider!" he screamed.
Legolas felt the spider on his head and shrieked. "No! It's going to mess up my hair!" he shouted. He threw the spider off his head and the four of them ran back to a different clearing with less spiders.
Legolas stopped and smoothed his hair back into place. "Does my hair look alright?" he asked.
"Legolas, we don't care about your hair!" Elohir exclaimed. "You were almost attacked by a spider!"
"Yes, I know, but I hope he didn't ruin my hair!" Legolas said. "Should I get the vanity out again?"
"NO!" shouted Haldir, Elladan, and Elohir.
"Can we go back to your house, Legolas?" Haldir asked. "And put our show on the air?"
"Yes, let's go," Legolas said. "But wait. Turn the camera back." Haldir turned the camera back to Legolas. "Thank you for watching, and join us next week, when we explore the grotesque and very odd world of men. Buh-bye!"
"And cut!" Elladan said. "That's a wrap!"
"'Grotesque and very odd world of men'? What's that all about?" Elohir asked.
"You know how men are so very different from us Elves," Legolas said. "So I think we should let the world know that men are disgusting creatures, and that we Elves are beautiful and perfect. But let's get this episode on the air first!"
The four of them trekked back to Legolas' house. They went to his room and hooked the camera to the TV and the computer.
"Do you know what you're doing?" asked Elohir.
"Of course I do! I've seen my father do this before," Legolas said.
"He has his own TV show, too?" asked Haldir.
"No, but he's in charge of airing the Mirkwood Nightly News," answered Legolas. He turned to the computer and typed in the air time and the date. After entering a few more things, the show was put into the schedule.
"We're all set!" Legolas said. "Our show will air at 7:00 P.M. tomorrow night."
"That's primetime TV, isn't it?" Haldir asked excitedly.
"That's right, my friend. Everyone in Middle Earth will see our show!" Legolas exclaimed.
The next evening, the four Elves went to Mirkwood Mart and got some Diet Elven Cola and some Fat-Free Lembas Chips (both at Legolas' request). They sat down on Legolas' huge bed with their snacks and turned on the TV. It was nearly 7:00, and the 6:00 showing of 'While You Were At War', a surprise home decorating show, was almost over. It was the 'Final Quiz Time', and a soldier had to win a new big-screen TV with TiVo for the living room his wife had redecorated while he had been away at war.
"This is a rerun!" Elladan shouted. "This episode is from when the War was first over!"
"Does he win the TV?" Legolas asked eagerly. "And the TiVo?"
"Of course he does!" Elladan said. "They always win!"
They looked at the screen and saw the soldier and his wife being awarded the new TV and TiVo. "Congratulations!" the host, Terri Strawser, said. "I hope you and your family enjoy your new living room and TV...with TiVo!" Then, 10 kids came running in and began worshipping the TV and the TiVo. The host laughed. "Well, that was another successful home makeover. On behalf of designer John Truce, carpenters Andy Man-Mumbo and Leslie Spaghetti, and myself, Terri Strawser, thank you for watching!"
The end credits came on, along with a preview for the show on at 7:00. "Tonight, the premiere of 'Our Wild Middle Earth', hosted by Legolas Greenleaf. He takes you on a journey into the depths of Mirkwood to see the famed Mirkwood Spider..." They showed a clip of Legolas in the woods with the spider on his head.
"I can't believe they picked that clip for the preview!" Haldir exclaimed.
"I know! My hair looks horrible!" said Legolas.
"Shut up! The show's starting!" Elohir said.
The show began with 'OUR WILD MIDDLE EARTH' on the screen in huge colorful letters. Then, they showed a picture of each of them with their names on the screen in bold letters.
"They spelled my name wrong!" Elladan said. "They spelled it E-l-a-d-a-n."
"We can fix that," Haldir said.
As they watched the first half of the show, they were happy with the results, except for the part where Legolas had stopped for a beauty check. Then, a commercial for cheap horse-and-buggy rates to Minas Tirith came on.
Legolas watched the ad and wrote down the number to call.
"What are you doing?" Elohir asked.
"Well, if we need to explore the disgusting world of men, what better place to go than Minas Tirith?" Legolas said. They all stared at him. "Uh, hello, Aragorn lives there."
"Oh, yes, Aragorn," the other three said. "He's a perfect example."
"Hey! The show's back on!" said Haldir.
They watched the last half of the show, where Legolas was almost attacked by the spider and was fretting over his hair.
When it was over, the four of them were proud of their show. "I bet everyone's excited for next week," Elladan said.
"I'm sure they all are," said Legolas. "What's on next?"
"'Extreme Makeover: Hobbit Edition'," Elohir said.
"And what's on after that?" asked Haldir.
"'Elf Eye for the Hobbit Guy', and after that is 'CSI: Osgiliath'," Elohir said.
"Sounds like a good lineup," Haldir said. "I'm gonna keep watching."
"I'm going to call this number," Legolas said. "And get us some cheap fare to Minas Tirith. We've got to get rolling for next week's show."