Disclaimer: The Harry Potter universe belongs to J.K. Rowling, not me. The song belongs to U2, also not me.
Author's notes: Yes this is sad and depressing, but that's kind of the mood of the song. Anyway, please read and enjoy.
At the Expense of the Future
You got so much for so little
Then you find that feeling just won't go away
Remus stared at Harry's quivering form not knowing what to say. He thought they had gotten through this together; he thought they had moved past this. Obviously not.
"Why do you still feel guilty about it, Harry?" he asked, frown evident on his features. He didn't like having to go through this in the first place. Doing it again might just be too much. He loved Harry deeply, but he couldn't constantly be supporting the young man emotionally, especially when he had never been that emotionally sturdy himself. But "The Boy-Who-Lived" seemed unable to escape the title he had carried his whole life, even in his own mind.
"Because I don't deserve it, Remus. I hardly did a thing, twice. Twice, Remus. After everything I've done, after all the training and planning, and..." he stopped to stifle a sob "...all the people that were lost because of my ignorance..."
"No," Remus cut him off, "do not start blaming yourself again. I can't stand it when you do that. You know it's not your fault, you know..."
"Cedric..." the tears in the emerald eyes he had grown to love so much began to fall again. Again. After almost two months of being able to go on without thinking about the past, two months of setting up their new life together without the ghosts of yesterday at their backs, two months of love, joy, and completion; after all of that, they were back at the same place they were before, the place he didn't ever want to go back to. It had taken all of his strength to drag Harry out of that gigantic hole of self-pity he had unwittingly dug himself into. He didn't think he had enough to do it again. "...Sirius, Lavender, Minerva, Molly, George..." Harry was openly sobbing now. Remus just sat down on the bed, staring at Harry's crumpled figure on the floor, and put his face in his hands.
Sighing deeply, Remus cut his young lover off again, "All dead because of Voldemort, Harry, not you. You must stop this!" He cried, exasperated.
You were holding on to every little thing so tightly
'Till there's nothing left for you anyway
"I thought I had lost everything after, after it was all over, after I killed him." Harry's tone was lost and bitter. The words seemed to come out of him without any pre-formed thought; as if they were just there and so was he and they had become one being in the moment.
"But you didn't. You didn't lose everything. You reversed his spell of eternal darkness and brought everyone back."
"Not everyone," Harry replied bitterly.
"Everyone who could have been saved, Harry." Remus continued without missing a beat. He was not going to let Harry take control of this conversation by dragging up even more of the past. He, for one, was not willing to dwell on the past at the expense of the future, their future, and he was not about to let Harry do it either, not this time. "Harry, you can't do this," he said with a slight desperation in his voice as if daring the other man to look him in the eye as he spoke. He had yet to make physical contact with his love since the start of this conversation, and it was taking everything he had not to do so right now.
Goodbye
You can keep this suit of lights
I'll be up with the sun
He wouldn't do it now.
I'm not coming down
Not when Harry needed to get out of this hole himself.
I'm not coming down
Otherwise, he'd never get out of it completely. And he would always rely on the werewolf to keep him from falling back down again.
I'm not coming down
"Can't do what, Remus?" Harry questioned angrily, "What is it I'm doing?"
"Wallowing in your own self-pity is what," Remus responded, just as angrily. "Acting like you're worthless when nothing could be farther from the truth." He was standing now, towering over the huddled figure who was becoming terrified at his lover's wrath. "Acting like what you deserve is to forever dwell on things you can't change rather than to be happy and live your life to it's fullest."
"And why can't I do it?" the terrified boy asked in a tiny voice, wide eyes staring tearfully at the now fiery golden ones searing his from above, "Why is it so wrong for me to do it?"
You wanted to get somewhere so badly
You kind of lose yourself along the way
Remus eyes cooled back to their warm amber state as he looked back at Harry apologetically. "Because that's not who you are," he stated simply.
"Maybe it is now."
You change you name but that's okay
It's necessary
And what you leave behind you don't miss anyway
Remus tensed. He could feel the rage collecting deep inside him and he didn't know if he'd be able to hold it back. His words came out slowly and with a silent malevolence that sent shivers creeping all across Harry's body. "When I gave you my name, and I took yours, it was not because I knew I would be spending the rest of my life with an emotionally unstable boy-would-be-man. You have never been one to put your own problems above those of whom you love, even in your darkest hours, and I did not marry you under the pretense that you would do so to me. This is supposed to be a relationship of mutual support, Harry, not one sided, and I will not carry all of the emotional burdens of this relationship. I'm not that strong, Harry. Rarely anyone is."
His body was shaking badly as was the body of the young man on the floor. Harry didn't know what to say. He couldn't think of any response. All he could do was continue staring into the eyes of his husband wondering what to do next.
Goodbye
You can keep your suit of lights
I'll be up with the sun
"Then help me Remus," Harry pleaded, finally. "Come down here, please, and help me get up."
I'm not coming down
Remus looked back at Harry sadly. "Not this time, love."
I'm not coming down
"This time you've got to get up yourself. I don't have the strength to reach you."
I'm not coming down
He was in shock. Remus had never refused him help before, ever. He didn't think he could take it. Tears started streaming anew down the sides of his trembling jaw and his mouth was agape.
"What'll it be, Harry?"
And I'm already gone
Felt that need all along
"I can't be with you if you continue on like this. I can't; it hurts me too much, and I don't want to be hurting for the rest of my life. I don't want to live in the past at the expense of the future. Our future."
Remus' voice was dead calm, and that frightened Harry even more.
Closer to you every day
"I love you, Remus, please..."
"What?"
"Help me."
Didn't want it that much anyway
"No."
You're taking steps that make you feel dizzy
Then you learn to like the way it feels
His head was spinning. The fragile crystal that was his mind shattered at the one, softly whispered word from his lover. He couldn't think, didn't know what to do. He couldn't possibly overcome this himself, could he?
You hurt yourself, you hurt you lover
Then you discover
What you thought was freedom just was greed
He knew he was being selfish. He knew it, he could deal with that. But he still didn't think he could overcome this by himself. He needed Remus' help.
"I can't do this by myself," he cried desperately, pleading with his eyes for his lover to come down and pull him back up again.
Goodbye
No emotional goodnight
I'll be up with the sun
He crawled over to the werewolf's feet, timidly grabbing at his shirt, eyes looking directly up and into his lover's. "Please."
Are you still holding on?
But Remus was through. It was killing him to do this, but he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't wait around for Harry to destroy them both. He had to end this right now.
I'm not coming down
He took one long, last, regretful look at Harry, his husband, his lover; he looked long and hard into those green eyes so filled with pain that at one time had mirrored his own, but which now only held the sorrows and shadows of the past; he looked at the beautiful face that was now being illuminated by the first rays of sunlight coming through their bedroom window creating an angelic aura around the young wizard.
I'm not coming down
Then, he slowly turned away and walked toward the door.
I'm not coming down
And with one last cry from Harry, he was gone.
Sad, no?
I may or my not write a sequel to this fic for those who want a happier ending, but I don't know yet.