Our Wild Middle Earth: A LOTR Fanfic
Chapter 3: The World of Men-Part 1
"Open the gates!" a guard shouted, and the gates to Minas Tirith opened. The carriage containing Legolas, Haldir, Elladan, and Elohir pulled inside, and the gates shut behind them. It came to a halt in the courtyard, and the chauffer got down and opened the carriage doors. Haldir crawled out, followed by Elladan and Elohir. After that, the chauffer pulled out a roll of red carpet from behind the driver's seat, and unrolled it in front of the carriage. When Legolas did not emerge, the chauffer looked in.
"Legolas! Legolas!" he said.
"I'm not coming out yet!" Legolas said from inside.
"Why?"
"I'm not coming out until you announce my arrival."
"What?"
"Do it!"
"Fine!"
The chauffer stood next to the carriage door and said, "I now announce, to those of you listening, ("and I know that's not many of you," he mumbled), the arrival of Prince Legolas of Mirkwood."
Legolas came out of the carriage and smiled to everyone. He waved at the citizens, who were completely disgusted by his way-too-formal entry. They kept walking and paid no attention to the Prince.
"Hey! Look at me!" Legolas cried out. When nobody looked, he still didn't give up. "Look! Look! Look at the beautiful Elf!" Nobody else listened, and Legolas finally gave up. "Let's go, guys!"
Haldir, who was carrying the camera, and Elladan and Elohir, who were carrying the director's chair and the sound system, followed Legolas to the newly-installed elevator.
"Going up!" Haldir said to the elevator operator, who took them to the top floor.
They emerged from the elevator on the palace level, and Legolas headed towards the back.
"Where are you going?" Elladan asked.
"Yeah, I thought we were going in the palace," said Elohir.
"We're taking the back way," Legolas answered. "If Aragorn sees us filming him, our show is history! We must be secretive."
The four of them headed towards the back of the palace and found an open patch of ground where they could set up the tent they brought along.
"Haldir! Set up the tent!" Legolas commanded.
"Why me?" asked Haldir.
"Because I don't want to break a nail," Legolas said. "I just got a manicure before we left."
"Wimp," Haldir said under his breath as he attempted to set up the tent.
It wasn't until it was dark out that Haldir finally had the tent completely up. The four Elves unrolled their sleeping bags and laid them inside of the tent. Legolas took his Chanel Travel Bag out and unpacked his nighttime beauty supplies. Out came a jar of green facial mask stuff, a nail file, two cucumber slices, and pink lip gloss.
"What are you doing, you freak?" Elladan exclaimed.
"My nighttime beauty rituals," Legolas replied, as he began to put on the facial mask, followed by the cucumbers and lip gloss.
"Tell me when 30 minutes have passed," Legolas said.
"Why?" asked Haldir.
"Because that's when I have to wash off my facial mask and file my nails," said Legolas.
"Dumb Elf," Elohir muttered. "So obsessed."
Thirty minutes later, Legolas washed off his mask and filed his nails. "Let's get this show started!" he said.
"Now? It's already dark out!" Haldir exclaimed.
"It's the perfect time to catch Aragorn! Let's go!" Legolas said. He put on his traveling coat and they headed towards a window with a good view.
Haldir got the camera ready, and the sound system was set up. They looked inside and saw Arwen. It was their two-month-old daughter Celebrian's room. (A/N: It's been 6 yrs. since the end of the War of the Ring.) Arwen was placing Celebrian into her cradle.
"Goodnight, darling," she said, giving Celebrian a kiss on the cheek. Celebrian closed her eyes and fell asleep. Arwen headed towards the door. She peeked into the hallway and saw Aragorn walking the other way.
"Aragorn," she whispered.
"Huh?" he said, turning around.
"Haldir! Roll the camera!" Legolas said. Haldir hit the 'Record' button and taped Aragorn and Arwen's conversation.
"Where's Eldarion?" Arwen asked in a quiet voice.
"Why are you whispering?" Aragorn said very loudly.
Celebrian's cries were heard from inside her room.
"Thanks a lot!" Arwen said angrily. "I just got her to sleep!" She stormed back into Celebrian's room.
"What?" Aragorn asked. "What did I do now?" He shrugged and walked back down the hallway.
"That was perfect!" Legolas said. "A good example of how rude men can be." He turned to the camera, and Haldir filmed him.
"Now, ladies, gentlemen, Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits, Balrogs, Haradrim, East-" Legolas said.
"Get on with it!" Haldir said.
"Anyway," Legolas said, applying more lip gloss. "What you have just seen was an example of how men, like King Aragorn, can be very rude. Did you see how mad his wife was?"
"Legolas! They're back!" Elohir said.
Haldir turned the camera back to the window. Arwen was walking towards the bathroom, and Aragorn was following her.
"Quickly! To the bathroom window!" Legolas said. They rushed to the bathroom window and saw Arwen come in. She walked over to the bathtub and turned on the water (A/N: They have plumbing now). Aragorn came in.
"Arwen, don't be mad," he pleaded. "I said I was sorry."
"Go find Eldarion," Arwen said.
"Huh?" Aragorn asked.
"I said go find our son!" Arwen exclaimed. Aragorn rolled his eyes and walked out.
He came back a few moments later with five-year-old Eldarion.
"Eldarion, it's time for your bath," Arwen said, shutting off the water.
"Do I have to take a bath, Mommy?" Eldarion asked.
"Yes, you do, so you're clean for your sister's birthday party tomorrow," Arwen said.
"You're making him take a bath? A bath?!" Aragorn asked, and he pulled Eldarion close to him. "You're not letting him anywhere near that warm water or those soapy bubbles."
"Aragorn, you're not helping!" Arwen said. "He needs to take a bath."
"No, he doesn't," Aragorn argued. "Baths are evil."
Arwen gave Aragorn 'the look', but he didn't back off. "No bath for my son," he said.
"You mean our son, Aragorn," said Arwen. She pulled Eldarion over to her. "Now go so I can give him a bath." She shot him another 'look' and gritted her teeth at him. "Aragorn Elessar, if you don't let me give him a bath, then you will be the next one sitting in this bathtub."
Upon hearing this, Aragorn went pale, and quickly walked out of the room.
"Mommy, why is Daddy so scared of the bathtub?" Eldarion asked as Arwen began unbuttoning his shirt.
"I guess he had a bad experience when he was a kid," Arwen said.
"Haldir, did you get all of that?" Legolas asked.
"Yeah," Haldir replied, and he shut off the camera.
"That was great!" said Elladan. "The perfect thing to film!"
"Don't think that's all we're getting," Legolas said. "I think we can get some more tonight and tomorrow."
"Perfect!" said Elohir.
About an hour later, the Elves spotted Arwen tucking their 2-year-old daughter Gilraen and Eldarion into bed. She walked into the hallway and headed towards the master bedroom.
Haldir positioned the camera in the bedroom window. Aragorn was sprawled out on the top of the bed, still wearing his normal clothes, and snoring very loudly. Arwen walked in and went over to the bed. She shook Aragorn's shoulders. He didn't wake up. She pulled his hair, but he still didn't wake up.
After tickling his feet, pinching him, sitting on him, and shouting into his ear, Aragorn still slept soundly. Arwen got up and walked over to the wardrobe. She opened it up and put her bathrobe inside. After she shut the wardrobe door, which made little noise, Aragorn bolted up.
"Wha-" he began.
Arwen turned and looked at him.
"Why did you wake me up?" Aragorn asked her.
"Woke you up? With what?"
"When you slammed the wardrobe door!"
"I did not slam it, Aragorn. Now get up. It's your turn."
"My turn for what?"
"It's bathtime, dear husband, and you're next."
"No, no, no! I refuse!"
"You have no choice, Estel. I've called in reinforcements." She looked at the door. "Boys! Come on in!" she yelled.
The door burst open, and in came a group of soldiers led by Faramir.
"Take him away, boys," Arwen said.
Faramir walked over to Aragorn. "Come on, Aragorn. Take a bath," he said.
"Why? Why should I?" asked Aragorn.
"Hey, look at me!" Faramir said. "I take baths, and the ladies love it!" Suddenly, a bunch of Gondorian women popped up out of nowhere and surrounded Faramir. He smiled as they adored him. Then, Eowyn stormed in.
"Faramir! What are you doing?!" she asked angrily.
The Gondorian women quickly left the room. The smile was erased from Faramir's face as Eowyn dragged him out into the hallway.
"Take a bath, my friend!" Faramir yelled to Aragorn.
The remaining soldiers grabbed Aragorn and took him to the bathroom.
"Arwen! What are you doing! Why?!" he yelled.
"It's for your own good, Estel," Arwen answered.
"And cut!" Elladan said.
"This is excellent!" Elohir exclaimed. "Just wait until the world sees this!"
"This is terrible!" Legolas said.
"What is?" asked Haldir.
"I'm getting a pimple!" Legolas whined, as he shut his compact mirror and put it in his pocket.
"Oh my gosh, Legolas, let's notify the authorities!" Haldir said sarcastically.
"Actually, I'll notify my dermatologist," Legolas said as he pulled out his cellphone. He punched in a few numbers, and it rang a few times. "Hello? Dr. Clearskin? It's me, Legolas. Yes, I'm fine, but I'm getting a pimple on my nose! What should I do? Okay...I see. And how many times? Once a day? Okay. Thank you Doc!" He put the phone away. "Let's go back to the tent. We can get more in the morning."
Haldir noticed that the camera was still on, and turned it off before they headed to the tent.
"Don't you think someone will think this tent is suspicious?" Elohir asked.
"If someone finds us, we can come up with a cover up," Legolas said. "And speaking of cover up, I must do my pimple-removing treatment."
When they got inside of the tent, Legolas pulled a huge box out of his luggage. He opened it, and inside was a mirror, a bottle of face wash, and some vanilla-scented lotion. He applied the face wash, rinsed it off in the sink that was contained in the box, and put on the lotion. He also put some cream on his pimple, smiled into the mirror, and put everything away. "If I do this once a day, Dr. Clearskin says my pimple will be gone in less than three days!" he exclaimed.
"Whoop dee doo," Elladan grumbled.