Before the pirates, the blacksmith, and the commodore could come to an agreement on any solid plans, the landscape around them disappeared. For a moment they were blinded by a bright flash of white light. As it cleared, they found themselves sitting in very odd looking chairs with small tables attached to one arm. The room itself was not very big, with a strange square hanging from a pole.
"Where are we?" Jack asked, blinking the spots away from his eyes and finally taking in the room. Norrington's eyes darted from side to side nervously.
"Is this some trick of the Sues?" Will muttered quietly as Gibbs started to slide out of his seat. Suddenly the door slammed open and they all jumped. The only thought that collectively entered their minds as the female strolled in was that this was indeed the work of Mary Sues. Instinctively they all started to creep from their seats, glancing towards the door.
"Hold it." She slammed the door shut again and glanced towards the four. "Relax. I'm not one of those dreaded beasts." She smirked, resting her hands on her hips. "In fact, I'm not even really female. I'm a muse, the author's muse to be exact." Her expression darkened and she muttered something under her breath about being overworked. "But that's not the point. The point is, I'm here to educate and not necessarily you. The story, however, needs to halt while I educate." She rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers, a remote appearing in her hands.
Jack blinked. "You have to be a Sue if you can do that." He protested.
The light's darkened in the room and the strange square lit up. In large black print were the words 'What is a Mary Sue?' The girl shook her head and sighed.
"Captain Sparrow. I'm not a Mary Sue because I am a Muse." She paused. "Wait, there are Mary Sue muses or else those stories wouldn't exist." Her eye twitched as she thought it over. "Anyway, I am not a Mary Sue because I can do this. In fact, I'm a figment of imagination sent here to educate you. I can't do anything else except make objects pertaining to the lesson appear with my handy dandy remote control. Now watch the screen."
"But why are we here?" Will interrupted again. The muse shot him a look.
"Because there have been questions asked as to what a Mary Sue is and you yourselves have questions as how to defeat them. Hence the lecture." She waved a hand at the screen. "Now, quiet all of you or I'll..." She was quiet for a moment before hanging her head. "I have nothing with which to threaten." There was a moment of depression before she brightened. "Let's get on with the lesson." She pressed a button on the control and a horribly drawn stick figure with curly blond hairs and a pink ribbon appeared on the screen. "The author really needs to take some art classes..." She muttered under her breath and pointed to the definition.
A Mary Sue by definition is an original character that is extremely beautiful with no flaws whatsoever. Keep in mind that not every original character is a Mary Sue. There are original characters that have been overpowered by the Sues that are fantastically written. Anyway, back to topic, Sues usually have extremely tragic pasts and usually end up as the love interest of one of the main (and most of the time good looking) characters, who are acting very out of character anyway. They can be pirate captains, wenches, women who are bored with upper class life, children, or from an era that is nowhere near that of the canon character's.
"We knew this." Jack muttered, laying his chin on his hand.
"So that's what a Mary Sue is..." Gibbs muttered from behind him. Jack frowned and turned, glaring at him. Gibbs shrugged helplessly. "I know now..." He said and slouched down in his seat.
Muse (having an author who took so much time to find her a creative name) cleared her throat and switched the slides. "As I was saying, Sues have no flaws but are skilled in nearly anything without ever having to practice. As a demonstration, Will get up here."
The blacksmith blinked and then slowly slid out of his seat. Muse shoved a sword in his hand and stepped back, looking down at the buttons on her remote control. "Let's see, let's see...ooh, here we go!" She pressed a button. There was a fuzzy blur and a Mary Sue appeared, brandishing a blade.
"Will Turner, my love, shall we spar?" She said shyly and lunged towards him.
"Keep in mind, you don't fight against her, she gets to glomp you." Muse said as she leaned against the wall. Will groaned and prepared himself for the Sue to come flying at him. They crossed blades, but Mary Sue was stronger, faster, and more skillful than Will. She knocked his blade out of his hand and lunged for him, lips pursed.
"Kiss me!"
"I don't think so!" The Sue froze in place, just inches from Will. He opened one eye tentatively and slid slowly away from her. "Now, does anyone want to tell me why this Mary Sue here was able to defeat someone who's practiced three hours a day everyday for who knows how long?"
There was complete silence from the room. Norrington raised his hand. "It's impossible."
"It should be impossible." Muse said tiredly. "Yet it still happens. Go sit down, Will." Will eagerly slid into his seat behind Norrington, still watching the Sue warily. "Next we move on to attack methods of the Sue."
All four men cringed visibly and Muse pursed her lips, changing the slide again. "First we have the hug, which most call the 'Help I can't breathe!' hold." She pointed at Jack. "Stand up here."
"No." Jack glanced at the frozen Sue. "I'm not going to be a bloody demonstration."
"Oh, you are." Muse pointed the remote and the Sue unfroze. Her eyes settled on Jack and she shrieked loudly enough to make everyone cringe. Her arms wrapped around Jack's shoulders before he could move, squeezing tightly.
"Jack, my love! We must be together forever because we are truly soul mates, both of us pirates..."
"And I think you're really hot and when you think about it I've been a pirate since birth and have my own ship at a really young age so I must have been plundering booty at the age of two..." Muse mocked. Jack's face was turning dark red from lack of oxygen. "Crap! Sorry!" She pressed the button and the Sue disappeared and reappeared beside Muse, frozen again. Jack coughed, sucking in deep breaths of air." And moving on...the next attack is the smooch attack. Norrington?"
The commodore's eyes widened as the Sue became animate and lunged at him, kissing every inch of his face and proclaiming her love. Norrington protested loudly as Muse tried to find the button again. The control dropped from her fingers and skittered across the floor.
"Sorry!" She apologized and snatched it up. The Sue was reset again. "Usually I'm better with this...Alright. We've done the hug, the kiss, and last..." She pressed the play button and stuck her fingers in her ears.
"Jaaaaack!" The Sue wailed and Jack shrunk into a ball. Norrington pulled his wig down over his ears. "Please, my love, help me!" Will groaned and stuck his fingers in his ears.
"Shut up!" Jack roared, pulling his bandana down and trying to shrink into himself. "I can't take this anymore. Bloody Sues!"
"Neither can I." Muse pushed the stop button. "Evil, little w..." She trailed off. "I hate them with a passion. Makes for a lot of Muse versus Muse fights." Quiet for a moment, she switched the slide.
Mary Sues are most often found in stories where the characters are completely out of character. For example, Jack Sparrow is suddenly unable to resist a woman's charms or Will suddenly leaves Elizabeth for no reason, or Elizabeth dies suddenly without explanation. Romance always results and Sue forgets about angsty past immediately even though it should've left some impression on her. Go figure. Usually the male canon character is unable to resist.
"I think I had a nightmare like that once." Jack said. "And then I had to get drunk to forget it." He wrinkled up his nose. "Wait, I've had more than a few."
"You're all going to need a nice long vacation after this." Muse said sympathetically. "I'm sorry to say the rest of this lecture brings no more good news."
"What? This hasn't brought any good news." Norrington protested.
"But this information is really going to suck." She flipped the slides again.
There is no way to defeat a Mary Sue. They cannot be killed, injured only briefly, and don't have the brain capacity to even be swayed. Basically their immortal pains in the asses. Scientists and Mary Sue hunters are currently conducting experiments and collecting information to figure out weaknesses.
There was a moment of silence before the grumbling started.
"Can't kill them? That's impossible..."
"We're all goin' to die..."
"You know, Ana's always been a strong woman, I'm sure she'll get out of it all by herself."
"Must...stop...being...rash...must...rescue...Elizabeth..."
Muse watched them, slowly backing towards the door. "Well, boys, I hope you learned something in this little lecture, as well as those who sent e-mails asking..." He fingers brushed the doorknob. "Have fun!" In a flash she was out the door. The room started to blur again and they found themselves standing in the middle of the street again.
"So we can't kill them, they're great at everything, and we're going to be seduced." Jack said idly. "I think we're going to need a plan."