None of your Business – Chapter 10
Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.
A/n: This is the chapter that ends the story as rated R. The last chapter will be a bonus NC-17 chapter, which I'll post separately under the NC-17 rating category.
To my great readers: I wish I would have thought of hitting Josh over the head with a big stick... Maybe next time.
Chapter Summary: Josh and Donna see each other at the bar.
Since Donna got back I've been gradually transforming myself into the sort of guy that I hate. I hide from her; I avoid her at all costs. If I run into her in the hallway, I don't talk to her unless it's necessary for work, and I definitely do not make eye contact. I feel like a coward. I hate myself for this. That day in the hospital, I wasn't courageous enough to put my feelings on the line, and the situation just escalated from that point. Now I don't even have the courage to carry a conversation with her.
This week has been hell. All this hiding and avoiding has drained me of any positive emotions I've had in the past. This fear of looking into her eyes, this self-protective instinct is eating away at me, and transforming me into a non-person. I need to go out. I need to have a few drinks and a few laughs, and then maybe I can feel like myself again. I feel I haven't been myself since that day I left the hospital in Germany. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fact that Donna was an important part of what I considered "being myself".
I need to find a way to be myself without her, so I call Toby, and beg him to go out with me tonight. He doesn't want to. But I convince him that I'll buy him his drinks in payback for the trouble he went through when he bailed me out of jail. I sit back and realize that my life must be pretty sad when I don't have anyone else to go out with but Toby. Sam's in California. CJ is on Donna's side. As for Will, I never really got to be friends with Will, at least not to the point where I can bribe him to keep me company on a miserable Friday night.
"You should talk to her" Toby says in a near monotone.
"Her?" I pretend not to know who he's referring to.
"You know who, the reason for your current state of pathetic loserdom."
"Is it that apparent?" I realize I must be more transparent than I want to be.
"When wasn't it apparent?" Toby looks forward, taking a gulp of his drink.
"I guess you're right." I give in. My situation with Donna has left me emotionally drained. I don't have the strength to defend myself anymore.
"Am I right about your transparency, or about how you should talk to her?" Toby still sits motionless, staring straight ahead. I am facing him, trying to figure out whether he's really trying to help me, or whether he is just bored out of his mind.
I sigh heavily. I try to make up my mind before speaking. If I say that he is right about the second part, I'm admitting to myself that a talk is necessary, and that could change everything in my avoidance strategy. If I say that he is only right about the first part, I'm lying to myself again. So here goes.
"Both."
Toby lifts up his glass and points one of his fingers forward while he says "there's your opportunity."
It takes me a second to realize what he just did. Was he pointing somewhere? As I followed the direction of his pointing, I find myself looking into a pair of big, beautiful blue eyes, staring back at me from across the bar.
Donna is here with CJ. Oh, shit. And I can't break away from the stare lock. I think I must look like an idiot, sitting here staring at her like this. She looks gorgeous. She must have been having a good time before she saw me, but now I wouldn't be able to tell, because as she continues to stare at me, she just looks infuriated. We're six feet away from each other, and I'm afraid that if this was a kung-fu movie, she'd jump over the bar and kill me. Thankfully, this is not a kung-fu movie, and she is also temporarily impaired by her bad leg.
I start to shake with nervousness, when I realize the woman I love and have loved for so long has made a transition from being indifferent to me, to being horribly angry at me. What have I done? Now the situation is much worse than it was that day at the hospital.
Donna remains motionless, staring at me. I don't have the courage to do anything else but stare back at her. It's hypnotic. CJ makes her way over to our side of the bar.
"Idiot! This is it! You will go there, apologize for whatever it is you've done, you will talk, and you will listen to her. If you don't, Toby and I will kill you with our own bare hands."
Toby snickers and pushes me off my bar stool with one hand. CJ sits by Toby and says "Hey handsome, care for some company?" Toby smiles at her. I think CJ is one of the only people that can make Toby smile on cue. Back to my predicament: how should I approach this? I think as I walk slowly towards the other side of the bar.
As I move closer to her, she turns towards me, never breaking her deadly stare. Her arms are crossed, her crutches lying on the bar counter.
"Donna, I..."
"Outside!"
I 'm baffled at her outraged tone. I watch her aptly position herself between her crutches, and I follow her as she makes her way towards the exit of the bar. Once we are out on the sidewalk, she seeks an empty area to the side of the bar, close to the back alley.
"OK, now..."
"No Josh, You don't get to talk now. I need to say what I want to say before you're able to push me away again." She looks almost on the verge of tears, angry tears. I am still very scared of being hit on the head with one of her crutches and left for dead, so I position myself in front of her, non-threateningly, and I wait patiently for her to make her point.
"I think about this all the time, trying to figure out what went wrong, I remember waking up in the hospital, after my surgery, and I remember you saying that you loved me, and then the phone rang and after you were done talking I asked you what you had told me before, because I didn't know whether it was a dream or not. You told me I was hallucinating and I didn't quite believe you, but you stood by what you said and then you started acting like you didn't love me. In fact, if I remember correctly, your treatment of me went from concerned friend to indifferent asshole boss in a matter of seconds. Then you left and never called me again. Now I'm here, one week into my new job, and this week has proved to me even more that you hate me. What's wrong with you, Josh? How can you be that cruel?"
By this time she's shouting. I'm stunned. I can't believe she's been suffering as much as I have. And throughout the whole speech she didn't even mention Colin, the cause of my actions. I try to defend myself.
"I'm not cruel Donna; I never did anything to hurt you!" I guess not intentionally.
"Like hell you didn't!" Now she's even more pissed off, if that's possible. "I was blown up, Josh, and I needed you there. But I needed you there as a friend, not as piece of shit boss who's just there for status quo. You abandoned me, and then you pushed me away, and when I got back you made a point of ignoring me. You think that doesn't hurt?"
"You don't understand Donna!" I'm desperate now. I run my fingers across my face, and then through my hair, and then I loosen my tie a little, because I feel like I'm suffocating.
"Say it, Josh, say it. Be a man, for once and admit that you hate me. And then tell me why you hate me. I think I deserve at least that much." She shouted that last part. She is leaning against the wall, with her arms crossed, and she is fuming. She is so mad at me; I made her fume with rage. Her eyes are teary, but I can tell she's fighting from her core in order not to cry in front of me.
And she is right; she deserves to know the truth. I think right now we've hit a new bottom. I found out just how much she resents me, and I can go two ways. I can tell the truth and be relieved that now I would have nothing to hide, or I can lie to protect myself, and push her away even more. So I decide to go with the truth. At this point, I don't care if the truth will make her resent me even more, or if it will make our current situation more uncomfortable than it already is. I want to be able to sleep at night without feeling guilty about the way I'm treating her. Deep down I want to kiss her and make it all better. I just don't know if she wants to be kissed. She still looks pretty angry.
Deep breath, and here it goes: "YOU BROKE MY HEART, DONNA" I yell at the top of my lungs. The expression on her face changes from anger to scared surprise.
I'm on a roll now. I can't stop myself, "I loved you so much, it drove me insane, I was crazy and jealous when that photographer showed up with the flowers and the kissing, I couldn't think straight. When you went under surgery I became so desperate, I actually prayed. Then I saw you with the tubes sticking out of your nose, and I broke down in tears I, ... I told you all the things I'd wanted to tell you for years, only it was easy for me right then and there, because you were unconscious, and I felt protected by the fact that you couldn't answer back..." I am pacing back and forth in front of her, avoiding eye contact until I am done with my fast, breathless rant. "Then you asked me about it, and, and ... I chickened out, Donna. Big time! I was so scared you would reject me, I chose the cowardly way and I lied to you. You weren't hallucinating. You heard right." I turn to face her and my tone is softer and slower now. But I keep talking. "Then you asked me about Colin, and all the crazy jealous feelings came back full force. I was so mad you were asking about Colin at that moment, that I convinced myself that you felt nothing for me and that you were in love with him. Whether that was true or not, I didn't care at the time. I was so mad at you. I told you the roses were from him, when they really were from me, and I flew home feeling like a complete idiot for having loved you for so long."
There is a long pause between us. I feel better now that I let it all out. I can see she is shaken. She doesn't know what to say. Or maybe she just doesn't know how to say it.
She finally breaks the awkward silence with a whisper. "I knew about the roses."
"You knew?" I ask in disbelief.
"Colin came by a few days later to break up with me, and he told me the roses weren't from him."
"Oh." I'm so relieved they're not together. All this time I've been thinking that they were together and somehow sustaining a long distance relationship.
"But that doesn't matter now; I also made some wrong choices. I chose to feel sorry for myself and to assume that you hated me."
"You were reading my cues as I meant them to be read, don't blame yourself for this mess."
"Josh, how do you feel now?"
"About what?" Now I'm just genuinely confused. Her tone is soft, and she's uncrossed her arms.
"About ... the love thing?" She looks down, flustered. I think she's trying to tell me something, or to invite me to tell her that I still love her.
"Oh Donna, I love you so much, it hurts." I look into her eyes now, I need a clue from her, something that tells me it's ok to move in and kiss her. I've never been so honest and open with her as I am now. I need her to open up to me too. She reaches her right hand forward and takes mine, without breaking eye contact.
"I love you too" She lets those words out almost without sound.
I can see she's trying not to cry. I reach my other hand across to touch her face and I wipe away a small tear that was just falling out of her eye. She is shaking now, and I'm not sure I'm all that steady either.
"Donnatella, how could I have been so stupid..." I whisper as I lean in closer to her. My lips move closer and closer to hers, and I can see she wants the same thing. She moves in a little closer and touches my lips to hers. I wrap my arm around her waist, move my other hand behind her neck and I deepen the kiss. Her lips are so soft, her tongue is dancing with mine and she tastes so sweet. I can't believe I'm kissing her. All that trouble is finally behind us, and it feels great to be true to her.
Oh my God, I can't believe I'm kissing Josh. And he is kissing me back, full force! I feel his arms wrapped tightly around me and I can tell he's wanted this as much as I have. His lips are so powerful, I feel like melted butter in his hands. My hands start to travel all over his body. One of my hands caresses his soft curly hair, while the other moves up and down his back. I can't help myself, the man is so sexy I can't help but touch him all over. Soon I have one hand squeezing his butt while the other is pulling his shirt out of his pants. I want to touch his skin. While we kiss passionately, I can feel his hands are starting to wander a little bit too. Once he felt my hand on his ass he made his travel to mine fairly quickly.
Soon our kissing session has transformed into heavy making out. We stay there for a while, exploring one another as if we were brand new to each other. We have finally come out of our self-pity parties. All is right in the world.
PG-13 Ending.
(There is an extra bonus chapter posted as NC-17)