Morgoth's Criminal Empire
Chapter 1:
Sauron pushed through the swinging doors at his office. He headed toward the elevators. Full, as usual, he thought. He really hated all this traffic in the mornings.
When it was his turn, he boarded the elevator with his servant, the Lieutenant of
the Tower of Barad-dur, and a Balrog.
"Hey, boss. I was talking with Morgoth today, and he told me to tell you that you got a promotion." the Lieutenant said.
"Really?" asked Sauron interestedly.
"Yes, and he was making a lot of changes. You are now President of the Sorcery Division."
"I thought I was Chief of the Ringmaking Division."
"No, the Ringmaking Division is now a part of the Sorcery Division."
"Oh." Sauron said thoughtfully. "What are all the big divisions now?"
"Sorcery, Weapons, Communications, Magical Monsters, Spies, and War." The Lieutenant said.
"Indo entetr talm fdhszxu pisoi?" the Balrog asked in his native language.
"Yes, it is our floor. Thank you," replied the Lieutenant.
Sauron and his servant stepped out and headed for Sauron's office.
"Well, let's get to work," said Sauron.
He e-mailed Morgoth. "So, boss, what's our agenda today?" he asked.
The reply came quickly. "Devise a plan to take control of Middle-Earth!"
The Lieutenant peered over his shoulder. "Doesn't the Boss ever get tired of that?"
"Trying to take over Middle-Earth? No, he's been trying to do it for about 5638204756143708856243231226486046233659879463486935544746 years." Sauron replied.
Suddenly, the phone rang.
"Hello, this is Morgoth's Criminal Empire, Sauron speaking."
He heard an annoying voice that he recognized. "I want my precious!"
"I want it too. Now quit bothering me, Gollum." Sauron hung up.
The phone rang again.
"I want my precious!"
"Goodbye." Sauron hung up again. "I need to put him on my Do Not Call list."
"What if he calls again?" asked the Lieutenant.
"I'll take him to court and sue him."
Ring!
"I WANT MY PRECIOUS!"
"Then go get it yourself!" Sauron said angrily. He hung up for a third time.
"Well, what are we going to do now?" asked the Lieutenant.
"Read! What else?" said Sauron. He took out a book.
"What are you reading?"
"Conquering Middle-Earth For Dummies. It has some pretty good tips."
"Where did you get it?" asked the Lieutenant enviously. "I checked in our library, but they don't have any copies."
"I borrowed it from Morgoth." Sauron replied.
Four hours later:
"AUGH! I am BORED OUT OF MY SKULL!" screamed Sauron.
"Why don't you get a jump start on your advice column?"
"Good idea."
Sauron checked all his e-mails from various villains who wanted advice. He also read all his letters.
He picked up a large pile of letters and dumped them in a chute labeled JUNK MAIL.
"Where does the chute lead?" asked the Lieutenant.
"It leads to Mount Doom."
Sauron started scribbling on a sheet of paper. "Here, I'm finished." He tossed the paper at his servant.
The Lieutenant started reading:
Sauron's Advice Column™
To Sauron: My name is Darth Vader. I am trying to take control of the galaxy. I have thousands of soldiers and many ships, but none of the galactic beings take me seriously. Can you help me? –Darth Vader
To Darth Vader: What you need is a new weapon. Consider building a huge spaceship with the ability to blow up entire planets. Call it TheDeathMachine or The Death Ship or something like that.
To Sauron: My name is Saint Dane. I'm trying to take over the universe. I try to take control of the territories. My enemies, the Travelers, have beaten me on Denduron and on Cloral. I'm running out of ideas. Can you help me? -Saint Dane
To Saint Dane: Save yourself the trouble and set up a situation where you can gain two or more territories, rather than take the territories one at a time.
To Sauron: My name is Cluny the Scourge. I'm trying to conquer Redwall. My first attack failed, and I'm running out of ideas. Can you help me? –Cluny
To Cluny: What you need is a way of truly crushing the Redwallers. I'm not talking physically, I'm talking spiritually. Dampen their spirits. Is there something they value above all else? Steal it. It could be anything- a holy book, a medallion, maybe even a cloth picture.
To Sauron: My name is Kal Torak. I'm King of the Angaraks. My enemies, the Alorns, are preparing for war against me to reclaim Cthrag Yaska, the Orb of Aldur. I don't know how to deal with this crisis. Can you help me?
To Kal Torak: What you need to do is prove to the Alorns that you're a God. You might need to do something drastic, such as use Cthrag Yaska to crack the world. Separate the Angaraks from the Alorns.
Sauron's Advice Column™ is published by Morgoth's Villain Newspaper. If you want some advice, mail him at 669 Mount Doom Road, City of Minas Morgul, Country of Mordor. You can also e-mail him at or at
"Cool!" said the Lieutenant.
"Now, I'll submit it." Sauron said. He put the paper in a chute marked NEWSPAPER.
A few hours later:
"Well, it's 7:00. Quitting time." The Lieutenant said.
"Yeah. Let's go." Sauron said.