Sudden Impulse
By Red Guard
Disclaimer: I do not, did not and probably will not own Suikoden or any of the characters appearing in or associated with it. Konami owns the characters and events appearing in this work.
Author's Notes: Right, now to try my hand at a short and fluffy Suikoden story, I hope I do not do too badly.
Side Story 9: Guilty Desperation
************************************************************************
He had almost forgotten what it was like to travel alone. There was no one to talk to, no one to laugh with, and no one to smile at. There was only him, and his thoughts. Maybe, at some point in the distant past, he would have buckled in the face of this torture. But now, he just savored the moment, wondering what she would have said if she was beside him, and what he would have said to her.
But she was no longer around, and he would never be around her anymore. Such was the finality of his situation. He regretted many decisions, but he knew that this was one that would never lament.
After all, he may not have enough time to do so.
************************************************************************
Her horse flew down the trail in the forest, the massive structure of Brass Castle barely visible in the distance. All those questions that had plagued her were wiped away by her single-minded determination. No longer did she care about what her kin might say. No longer did she want to know what her future would be like. No longer did she concern herself about Zexen, nor was she concerned with the Alma Kinan. All she wanted to do was to apologize to him.
Before he did anything that he would regret. If that happened, she feared that she would not be able to live with herself.
************************************************************************
'Here, Great Aunt?'
'Yes, Chief Hugo.' The wizened lady sat on the grassy fields. 'We made good time; events have yet to unfurl themselves.'
Hugo raised his eyebrow in suspicion. 'Are you certain?'
'As certain as I can be young one.' The Great Aunt smiled as she looked into the clear blue sky. 'But let us not concern ourselves with the mysteries of the world. Enjoy the beauty, young chieftain. It will teach you much.'
'Are we going to make a difference?'
'Of course. We will do much for two very different people.'
************************************************************************
'Borus!' She hollered as she pounded on his door. 'I know that you are in there! Open this door!'
But the door didn't budge. Nor did it budge after a minute. Nor did it after five minutes.
'Damn you Borus!' Did she hurt him that much? Was he now sitting in the middle of the room, a shell-shocked husk of a man? Was he even breathing? The guilt was immense, and that made her shout all the more. 'Open this damn door so I can apologize to you!'
The corridors echoed with her shouts. Several guards and servants had gathered at the ends of the hallway, looking on at the mad woman shouting her throat raw.
'I said I'm sorry!' She yelled, the tears beginning to flow freely 'Please Borus!'
'Yuiri, what are you doing?' The distinct voice of Chris Lightfellow interrupted her outpouring.
'Chris!' Yuiri pounced on the Captain. 'Open his door now!'
Chris could not manage to say anything. She was utterly stunned by what she saw in front of her. Yuiri's delicate feature's were marred by dirt, grime and what seemed like a thousand streaks of tears.
'Get him to open the door!' Yuiri pleaded. 'I need to speak with him. Tell him that I'm sorry, tell him that I didn't. tell him before.' Her voice failed.
'But, Borus is no longer here.'
'What?'
'He left. barely half an hour ago.'
'Where did he go.' Her voice took on an edge of desperation. She did not know how she knew, but she knew that Borus would be going to do something stupid. And she would be the one to blame. She was the proud Alma Kinan who was never able to decide on what was important. Every time she had to do something, she cried, she wailed and in the end she ran away. Borus was going to suffer because of her indecision. The guilt was unbearable. 'Where did he say he was going?'
'He was traveling towards the Plains.'
'Why?'
'He was going to meet some old friends.' Chris paused slightly. 'Though I don't remember him having any friends in the Grasslands.'
'Where?' Yuiri asked, slightly panicked by the news.
'He never said.' Chris furrowed her brows in thought. 'I only remembered him saying that he was not going to come back. I wonder what that meant.'
'Not going to come back?' Yuiri repeated in dismay.
'Yeah, I think, but I'm sure that he was only.' Chris never finished the sentence. After all, Yuiri was already halfway down the corridor, sprinting as fast as he legs could carry her.
************************************************************************
'I think this is the place.'
He brought his horse to a stop, and dismounted. He looked around the grassy fields; squinting his eyes as he searched. A glint in the distance told him that he had found what he was searching for. He gathered his courage and strode forward. His destiny lay ahead of him. He tried to avoid it, but his fate had finally caught up with him.
He didn't really mind, nor did he really care. For all intents and purposes, he knew that he will never be able to recapture the experience of the past few weeks.
There was little to prevent him from seeing out this final promise.
************************************************************************
Where did he go?
Did he take his horse?
Did Chris really see him head towards the Plains?
Which part of the Plains did he head for?
Those questions tore through her mind as she desperately searched the ground for any clues. She did this so easily before during her youth. She was an accomplished hunter and a skilled ranger, discovering and following tracks was not a problem to her. So, why could she not do it now?
Everything was a blur. She had been searching these plains for what seemed like forever, but she was still unable to find anything that might lead her to him. She had tried asking the spirits, but her she could not bring herself to concentrate in order to communicate with them.
Why?
Why was she doing this?
Why was she acting in such a way?
Why was she unable to do anything?
She forced herself not to answer those questions, because she knew that the answers would cause her untold agony. She soldiered on in a frantic attempt to find something to lead her somewhere, but the more she searched, the more she realized that her efforts were in vain.
When did she become so useless? She wanted to sit down and cry, but she knew that she could not afford it. She would not accept the fact that he had left forever, she wanted to see him again, if only for a few seconds.
Was it guilt that drove her on? Or was it something else? She never stopped to think about it, but if she had, the answer would have shocked her to the core.
************************************************************************
The sight shook him. Nothing could have prepared him for this sight. He staggered slightly as he struggled to climb up the small hill. His strength left him as he sunk to his knees, an oppressive weight suddenly pressed upon his shoulders. He hazarded a look upwards, and was immediately blinded by a glint of sunlight.
It was almost as if the heaven's declared him unfit to move forward any further. He heaved another heavy sigh and nodded to himself. This was as far as he should go. He was not worthy of any more.
He bowed his head and closed his eyes.
It was time.
************************************************************************
'Yuiri.'
The calm voice shocked her out of her reverie. Her snapped up, and to her dismay, she found herself gazing upon the Great Aunt. She wanted to say something, but she didn't know what to say. What would she tell the Great Aunt? That she wanted to the find the Butcher of Karaya? That she felt incredibly guilty for running away from him? She wondered what would be worse, the Great Aunt casting her out from the village or berating her.
'What are you doing?' The calm voice barely rose above the rustle of the grass.
'I.' She couldn't say it. She couldn't say anything. She just stared at the Great Aunt, her body shuddering as she tried to force a million emotions down.
'Looking for someone?'
She knew. The Great Aunt knew. They told her. Or did the spirits tell her? It was over. It was all over. She was to be disowned. She sunk to the floor, her tears flowing freely. 'I.' She choked back her sobs. 'I am sorry..'
'Sorry for what, child?'
She had to admit it. The Great Aunt wanted her to say it. 'I.' Another sob escaped. 'I betrayed you. I betrayed you all.'
The wizened old woman just stood there, listening to Yuiri's pained confession.
'The Butcher. no. Borus, I. I spent time with him.' She wiped the tears off her face. 'I knew what he did. I knew what a monster he was. but I still walked with him. But. that was not all. I enjoyed it.' She buried her face in her hands as she her yell echoed throughout the plains. 'I enjoyed it! I enjoyed the time I spent with him! I actually considered him a friend!'
'Yuiri.'
'Don't say it!' Yuiri screeched. 'I know! I tried to follow what I thought tradition told us to do, but. I couldn't! You don't know the amount of guilt that I'm feeling now! If he does anything because of what I did, I won't be able to live with myself!'
'Yuiri.'
'I know what you are going to say!' She stood up, and stared at the Great Aunt in a mad rage. 'I know that the Alma Kinan will disown me. I know that you will tell me never to set foot in the village again. I know that you may even tell all the other clans to cast me out.' Yuiri held her breath, she knew what she was saying, but she didn't care anymore. 'I don't care about all of that anymore! I need to speak to him. I need to. I need to.'
And to her astonishment the Great Aunt smiled. 'I know all that, Yuiri.'
'What?' Yuiri gaped in utter shock.
'You wish to be with Lord Borus do you not?'
'I.'
'But you do not know where he is.'
'How.'
'But, I am sure Chief Hugo knows.'
'What?' Yuiri whirled around and saw the dark skinned boy standing there with a puzzled look on his face.
'Err.' He stammered. 'I don't think I know.'
'Ah, but you do.' The Great Aunt gave another of her knowing smiles. 'Yuiri, tell him what you know.'
'I.' Yuiri swiped the tears of her face for what seemed like the hundredth time. 'Borus told Chris that he was going to visit some old friends. and that he wouldn't be back.'
'So, he finally did it.' Hugo let out a deep sigh. 'Yuiri, you must hurry there. If I know Borus....'
************************************************************************
'You know me.' He began slowly. 'But I can't say I know everyone of you. After the war ended, I did everything in my power to live a better life. I did everything so that I would no longer be haunted by the voices.'
'I was selfish.' He heaved another sigh. 'You knew it. I knew it. I never did change, did I? I was the same demon that torched the village. I tried to do something, but. it never did work.'
'I tried to be a better man. I gave everything I had to the village; I thought that that would sooth my soul. I was wrong. Nothing changed. The village was rebuilt, but I never felt any greater. I was still the small man that I had been.' He raised his hands and stared at them. 'Do you see these hands? They are still stained by blood. No matter what I did, no matter what I tried, they still carried the stench of death at the end of the day. The torture was horrendous. I wanted to take my life, but I could never find the courage to do so.'
'What a coward I was.' He laughed bitterly. 'I remembered telling myself that my life would improve, that I would rediscover what it meant to live. I actually made myself believe all those words that the others said. Chris, Hugo. the knights. all of them.'
'But you know what?' He raised his head slightly. 'Life did get better. I met her, and in that instant, my life changed. I enjoyed my days. I enjoyed the knights. I still remember all those times I spent with her. We laughed, we joked, we quarreled. it was as if my life was returned to me. I tried to tell myself that it would last forever.'
'I lie very well, don't I?' Borus gave an empty smile. 'But the truth will never change. In the end, she saw who I was. She left me, and I don't blame her. I can't even find the energy to blame myself. This is what my choices led me to, and I have no regrets.'
'I have good news for you. I have finally found the courage to do what I should have done all those years ago.' He stood and stared at the stoic tombstones that were scattered before him. Each one bearing a name of a person that he had rendered with his blade. 'I can't lie to myself anymore. Life will never be the same without her. I will never enjoy my life anymore. So, I give it to you. May my soul burn in the deepest pit in hell.'
************************************************************************
'Do you think she will make it?' Hugo turned towards the Great Aunt.
'Who knows?' The old woman shrugged slowly. 'The spirits can only tell so much. The rest is up to them.'
'You know that she will never return to the village. Even if she manages to save him.'
'She has finally discovered her place on this land.' The Great Aunt smiled. 'I can no longer tell her what to do.'
'Indeed.'
************************************************************************
He drew his sword, its finely sharpened edge catching the sun's rays. 'I will do to myself what I did unto you. I hope that with my sacrifice, you will rest in peace.' He paused for a while and whispered softly. 'Take care of her. She deserves so much more.'
With that he closed his eyes and steadied his hands.
A short pause later, a stinging pain burst through his consciousness, and he felt himself fall to the ground.
************************************************************************
Author's Note: Wohoo! Cliffhanger ending eh?
Sorry for taking so long to post this chapter, but college really acts up now and then. I'll probably be wrapping up this arc in the next chapter and finally moving onto Yumi's part in all of this.
Never did know that I would take a year or so to write this when I started, but even then, I will finish it. I owe you, the readers, that much.
Thanks to GreatLight432 and Renfro Calhoun for pre-reading my work. Their hard work makes this piece a million times better.
Anyways, please remember to email me at red_aurum@yahoo.com for any suggestions, critiques, reviews and the like. Please don't flame me, I have a fragile ego.
By Red Guard
Disclaimer: I do not, did not and probably will not own Suikoden or any of the characters appearing in or associated with it. Konami owns the characters and events appearing in this work.
Author's Notes: Right, now to try my hand at a short and fluffy Suikoden story, I hope I do not do too badly.
Side Story 9: Guilty Desperation
************************************************************************
He had almost forgotten what it was like to travel alone. There was no one to talk to, no one to laugh with, and no one to smile at. There was only him, and his thoughts. Maybe, at some point in the distant past, he would have buckled in the face of this torture. But now, he just savored the moment, wondering what she would have said if she was beside him, and what he would have said to her.
But she was no longer around, and he would never be around her anymore. Such was the finality of his situation. He regretted many decisions, but he knew that this was one that would never lament.
After all, he may not have enough time to do so.
************************************************************************
Her horse flew down the trail in the forest, the massive structure of Brass Castle barely visible in the distance. All those questions that had plagued her were wiped away by her single-minded determination. No longer did she care about what her kin might say. No longer did she want to know what her future would be like. No longer did she concern herself about Zexen, nor was she concerned with the Alma Kinan. All she wanted to do was to apologize to him.
Before he did anything that he would regret. If that happened, she feared that she would not be able to live with herself.
************************************************************************
'Here, Great Aunt?'
'Yes, Chief Hugo.' The wizened lady sat on the grassy fields. 'We made good time; events have yet to unfurl themselves.'
Hugo raised his eyebrow in suspicion. 'Are you certain?'
'As certain as I can be young one.' The Great Aunt smiled as she looked into the clear blue sky. 'But let us not concern ourselves with the mysteries of the world. Enjoy the beauty, young chieftain. It will teach you much.'
'Are we going to make a difference?'
'Of course. We will do much for two very different people.'
************************************************************************
'Borus!' She hollered as she pounded on his door. 'I know that you are in there! Open this door!'
But the door didn't budge. Nor did it budge after a minute. Nor did it after five minutes.
'Damn you Borus!' Did she hurt him that much? Was he now sitting in the middle of the room, a shell-shocked husk of a man? Was he even breathing? The guilt was immense, and that made her shout all the more. 'Open this damn door so I can apologize to you!'
The corridors echoed with her shouts. Several guards and servants had gathered at the ends of the hallway, looking on at the mad woman shouting her throat raw.
'I said I'm sorry!' She yelled, the tears beginning to flow freely 'Please Borus!'
'Yuiri, what are you doing?' The distinct voice of Chris Lightfellow interrupted her outpouring.
'Chris!' Yuiri pounced on the Captain. 'Open his door now!'
Chris could not manage to say anything. She was utterly stunned by what she saw in front of her. Yuiri's delicate feature's were marred by dirt, grime and what seemed like a thousand streaks of tears.
'Get him to open the door!' Yuiri pleaded. 'I need to speak with him. Tell him that I'm sorry, tell him that I didn't. tell him before.' Her voice failed.
'But, Borus is no longer here.'
'What?'
'He left. barely half an hour ago.'
'Where did he go.' Her voice took on an edge of desperation. She did not know how she knew, but she knew that Borus would be going to do something stupid. And she would be the one to blame. She was the proud Alma Kinan who was never able to decide on what was important. Every time she had to do something, she cried, she wailed and in the end she ran away. Borus was going to suffer because of her indecision. The guilt was unbearable. 'Where did he say he was going?'
'He was traveling towards the Plains.'
'Why?'
'He was going to meet some old friends.' Chris paused slightly. 'Though I don't remember him having any friends in the Grasslands.'
'Where?' Yuiri asked, slightly panicked by the news.
'He never said.' Chris furrowed her brows in thought. 'I only remembered him saying that he was not going to come back. I wonder what that meant.'
'Not going to come back?' Yuiri repeated in dismay.
'Yeah, I think, but I'm sure that he was only.' Chris never finished the sentence. After all, Yuiri was already halfway down the corridor, sprinting as fast as he legs could carry her.
************************************************************************
'I think this is the place.'
He brought his horse to a stop, and dismounted. He looked around the grassy fields; squinting his eyes as he searched. A glint in the distance told him that he had found what he was searching for. He gathered his courage and strode forward. His destiny lay ahead of him. He tried to avoid it, but his fate had finally caught up with him.
He didn't really mind, nor did he really care. For all intents and purposes, he knew that he will never be able to recapture the experience of the past few weeks.
There was little to prevent him from seeing out this final promise.
************************************************************************
Where did he go?
Did he take his horse?
Did Chris really see him head towards the Plains?
Which part of the Plains did he head for?
Those questions tore through her mind as she desperately searched the ground for any clues. She did this so easily before during her youth. She was an accomplished hunter and a skilled ranger, discovering and following tracks was not a problem to her. So, why could she not do it now?
Everything was a blur. She had been searching these plains for what seemed like forever, but she was still unable to find anything that might lead her to him. She had tried asking the spirits, but her she could not bring herself to concentrate in order to communicate with them.
Why?
Why was she doing this?
Why was she acting in such a way?
Why was she unable to do anything?
She forced herself not to answer those questions, because she knew that the answers would cause her untold agony. She soldiered on in a frantic attempt to find something to lead her somewhere, but the more she searched, the more she realized that her efforts were in vain.
When did she become so useless? She wanted to sit down and cry, but she knew that she could not afford it. She would not accept the fact that he had left forever, she wanted to see him again, if only for a few seconds.
Was it guilt that drove her on? Or was it something else? She never stopped to think about it, but if she had, the answer would have shocked her to the core.
************************************************************************
The sight shook him. Nothing could have prepared him for this sight. He staggered slightly as he struggled to climb up the small hill. His strength left him as he sunk to his knees, an oppressive weight suddenly pressed upon his shoulders. He hazarded a look upwards, and was immediately blinded by a glint of sunlight.
It was almost as if the heaven's declared him unfit to move forward any further. He heaved another heavy sigh and nodded to himself. This was as far as he should go. He was not worthy of any more.
He bowed his head and closed his eyes.
It was time.
************************************************************************
'Yuiri.'
The calm voice shocked her out of her reverie. Her snapped up, and to her dismay, she found herself gazing upon the Great Aunt. She wanted to say something, but she didn't know what to say. What would she tell the Great Aunt? That she wanted to the find the Butcher of Karaya? That she felt incredibly guilty for running away from him? She wondered what would be worse, the Great Aunt casting her out from the village or berating her.
'What are you doing?' The calm voice barely rose above the rustle of the grass.
'I.' She couldn't say it. She couldn't say anything. She just stared at the Great Aunt, her body shuddering as she tried to force a million emotions down.
'Looking for someone?'
She knew. The Great Aunt knew. They told her. Or did the spirits tell her? It was over. It was all over. She was to be disowned. She sunk to the floor, her tears flowing freely. 'I.' She choked back her sobs. 'I am sorry..'
'Sorry for what, child?'
She had to admit it. The Great Aunt wanted her to say it. 'I.' Another sob escaped. 'I betrayed you. I betrayed you all.'
The wizened old woman just stood there, listening to Yuiri's pained confession.
'The Butcher. no. Borus, I. I spent time with him.' She wiped the tears off her face. 'I knew what he did. I knew what a monster he was. but I still walked with him. But. that was not all. I enjoyed it.' She buried her face in her hands as she her yell echoed throughout the plains. 'I enjoyed it! I enjoyed the time I spent with him! I actually considered him a friend!'
'Yuiri.'
'Don't say it!' Yuiri screeched. 'I know! I tried to follow what I thought tradition told us to do, but. I couldn't! You don't know the amount of guilt that I'm feeling now! If he does anything because of what I did, I won't be able to live with myself!'
'Yuiri.'
'I know what you are going to say!' She stood up, and stared at the Great Aunt in a mad rage. 'I know that the Alma Kinan will disown me. I know that you will tell me never to set foot in the village again. I know that you may even tell all the other clans to cast me out.' Yuiri held her breath, she knew what she was saying, but she didn't care anymore. 'I don't care about all of that anymore! I need to speak to him. I need to. I need to.'
And to her astonishment the Great Aunt smiled. 'I know all that, Yuiri.'
'What?' Yuiri gaped in utter shock.
'You wish to be with Lord Borus do you not?'
'I.'
'But you do not know where he is.'
'How.'
'But, I am sure Chief Hugo knows.'
'What?' Yuiri whirled around and saw the dark skinned boy standing there with a puzzled look on his face.
'Err.' He stammered. 'I don't think I know.'
'Ah, but you do.' The Great Aunt gave another of her knowing smiles. 'Yuiri, tell him what you know.'
'I.' Yuiri swiped the tears of her face for what seemed like the hundredth time. 'Borus told Chris that he was going to visit some old friends. and that he wouldn't be back.'
'So, he finally did it.' Hugo let out a deep sigh. 'Yuiri, you must hurry there. If I know Borus....'
************************************************************************
'You know me.' He began slowly. 'But I can't say I know everyone of you. After the war ended, I did everything in my power to live a better life. I did everything so that I would no longer be haunted by the voices.'
'I was selfish.' He heaved another sigh. 'You knew it. I knew it. I never did change, did I? I was the same demon that torched the village. I tried to do something, but. it never did work.'
'I tried to be a better man. I gave everything I had to the village; I thought that that would sooth my soul. I was wrong. Nothing changed. The village was rebuilt, but I never felt any greater. I was still the small man that I had been.' He raised his hands and stared at them. 'Do you see these hands? They are still stained by blood. No matter what I did, no matter what I tried, they still carried the stench of death at the end of the day. The torture was horrendous. I wanted to take my life, but I could never find the courage to do so.'
'What a coward I was.' He laughed bitterly. 'I remembered telling myself that my life would improve, that I would rediscover what it meant to live. I actually made myself believe all those words that the others said. Chris, Hugo. the knights. all of them.'
'But you know what?' He raised his head slightly. 'Life did get better. I met her, and in that instant, my life changed. I enjoyed my days. I enjoyed the knights. I still remember all those times I spent with her. We laughed, we joked, we quarreled. it was as if my life was returned to me. I tried to tell myself that it would last forever.'
'I lie very well, don't I?' Borus gave an empty smile. 'But the truth will never change. In the end, she saw who I was. She left me, and I don't blame her. I can't even find the energy to blame myself. This is what my choices led me to, and I have no regrets.'
'I have good news for you. I have finally found the courage to do what I should have done all those years ago.' He stood and stared at the stoic tombstones that were scattered before him. Each one bearing a name of a person that he had rendered with his blade. 'I can't lie to myself anymore. Life will never be the same without her. I will never enjoy my life anymore. So, I give it to you. May my soul burn in the deepest pit in hell.'
************************************************************************
'Do you think she will make it?' Hugo turned towards the Great Aunt.
'Who knows?' The old woman shrugged slowly. 'The spirits can only tell so much. The rest is up to them.'
'You know that she will never return to the village. Even if she manages to save him.'
'She has finally discovered her place on this land.' The Great Aunt smiled. 'I can no longer tell her what to do.'
'Indeed.'
************************************************************************
He drew his sword, its finely sharpened edge catching the sun's rays. 'I will do to myself what I did unto you. I hope that with my sacrifice, you will rest in peace.' He paused for a while and whispered softly. 'Take care of her. She deserves so much more.'
With that he closed his eyes and steadied his hands.
A short pause later, a stinging pain burst through his consciousness, and he felt himself fall to the ground.
************************************************************************
Author's Note: Wohoo! Cliffhanger ending eh?
Sorry for taking so long to post this chapter, but college really acts up now and then. I'll probably be wrapping up this arc in the next chapter and finally moving onto Yumi's part in all of this.
Never did know that I would take a year or so to write this when I started, but even then, I will finish it. I owe you, the readers, that much.
Thanks to GreatLight432 and Renfro Calhoun for pre-reading my work. Their hard work makes this piece a million times better.
Anyways, please remember to email me at red_aurum@yahoo.com for any suggestions, critiques, reviews and the like. Please don't flame me, I have a fragile ego.