Pretty Girls/Magical Sexy Sorceresses!"
by GothCloud

Disclaimer: I don't Final Fantasy 8, Magical Girl Pretty Sammy, Final Fantasy 7, Last Exile, DBZ, Street Fighter, G Gundam, Beyblade, Gundam Wing, or anything else, or this song. This song is from Beyblade, and I'm poor. But I understand Seifer's pain. I see a man who wanted some Magical-Girl booty. Sadly, Sasami's mine (well, Tsunami is.), and Hinata belongs to me. (or Naruto.) And Ayeka and Karasu are having crazy-mad sex in a corner. And Ryoko belongs with Tenchi. If you wanna sue someone, sue Barret. Or Tyson.

(Barret and Seifer are misunderstood, not psychotic. And they love everything on God's Green Earth. butterflies fly around Barret and Seifer)

A/N: If you can't tell by now, you are not supposed to take this seriously. This is romantic humor, free of bathroom jokes of any kind. This was written just so my girlfriend can MST it. All your flame are belong to GothCloud.

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Balamb Garden floated over the newly-built North Corel that didn't burn down. Seifer is sitting on a brick, kicking at a log.

Seifer looked around and said, "There are no pretty girls, ya know?" Tifa walked by in a G-string bikini, breasts bouncing. Seifer didn't even notice Tifa being practically naked. Nor did he notice Scarlet and Yuffie having some hot steamy lovin' in front of him.

Seifer said, "Nope, nothing interesting in this town at all..." Then Fuujin walked by, completely naked, dancing provocatively all over Seifer. Seifer said sadly, "Nothing stimulates me here..."

Then Barret walked by and said, "Why 'ya lookin' down, mon?"

Seifer said, "There are no pretty girls here, ya' know?" In front of Seifer, all the girls in town were having one massive orgy, and Seifer and Barret didn't notice because they were so busy talking.

Barret said, "Ya know, mon? I know this place where there are magical girls!"

Seifer asked, "Magical girls?! But I have no interest in sorceresses, ya know!"

Barret said, "I don't have an interest in underage girls, mon. But these are magical girls, mon! Let's go there, mon!"

Seifer said, "There is nothing interesting here, anyway, ya know?" Unknown to Barret and Seifer, every girl in a 25-mile radius of North Corel is having a spontaneous orgy, and seven giant airships were skywriting the words and fireworks were going off, declaring "the Biggest Lesbian Orgy EVER to hit North Corel, all men please jump in if you really want to, or just watch if you want to see something interesting!!"

Barret and Seifer walked away, very disappointed, because there were no pretty girls, and there was nothing interesting.

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Five Minutes Later

Barret and Seifer drove out of North Corel with Marlene in the back seat. Barret threw a cigarette out of the window toward North Corel and as they drove away, the skyline of North Corel looked as if it was on fire.

Barret and Seifer stopped by the ShinRa mansion (the one where Vincent lives), and used their Mighty Weapons of Truth and Justice to break the door down. As the smoke cleared, they went in and looked around. They saw bubble-gum pink wherever they looked. They did not notice Dio and Luciora.

Seifer asked, "What are you two doing here, why is this place pink, and where is Vincent?"

Dio answered, "Vincent let us borrow his place because he went off to fight the something-whatever of Cerberus."

"The Dirge of Cerberus, honey," Luciora said to Dio.

Dio answered, "This place scared us and felt like someone died and was in a coffin for thirty years! So we made it happy!"

"You did a splendid job, my cheesecake," Luciora said.

Dio answered, "Like I said, Vincent ran off in his cute little red ensemble. And he's prolly going to marry that Elena girl."

Barret asked them, "Did Vincent leave a key that was labeled, 'Key to the Land of Pretty Sexy Girls that are probably sorceresses, that Seifer doesn't like', mon?"

Dio asked, "You mean this?" Luciora carried the very large key with one hand, and then handed it to Barret. Then Dio took Luciora off to do what they were doing before they were so rudely interrupted. You hear noises of some hot steamy lovin' going on.

Barret said, "Well, we need the second Key... for the Portal requires Two Keys to open it, but we need to fight a monster, mon!"

"Who is probably junctioning poor little porn stars with sorceress, ya know! At the Mansion, ya Know!" said Seifer.

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At the Playboy Mansion, they saw that it had a new name: "Hojo's House of Sexy Pretty Girls!". When they went in, many pretty, sexy porn stars were crawling on Barret and Seifer. But Barret was too busy staring at their first-grade daughters, saying, "Yes, bounce for me, mon!! I will show you my FULL MOON, heh heh heh, mon!"

Meanwhile, Seifer was too busy lusting after Jenova, saying, "Yes, my precious. I shall be thy loyal knight, and we shall ride together into the Fires of Truth and burn the Garden which is EVIL!! WHAHAHAHAHA, ya know!"

Hojo walks in, with a huge crowd of girls fondling him, saying, "What are you doing here? How did you two get past our security?"

Barret said, "Well, Goku and Ryu were supposed to guard the gate, but they had a fight."

Unknown to Barret or Seifer, the two were having this battle to see who was the better fighter and lover. And Barret and Seifer didn't care because they were going to get some Hot Steamy Magical Lovin! ™

Hojo asked, "How did you get past the second and third set of guards?"

Seifer answered, "Kai and Tyson were having a Beyblade match to see who was the biggest Overrated Marty-Stu, ya know? And then King and Ozuma were fighting over Mariam, yet again, ya know? Can we have the Key that says, 'The Really Big Key to the Magical World of Underage Girls That Barret Has No Interest In!', ya know?"

Hojo gives them the key and said, "Now get the hell out of my house!" Barret and Seifer then go to Colony X18-999, in their car, as it flew into space, they saw a herd of Space Bears that were carrying the poor female characters like Relena and Allenby, and Lacus, and Cagalli, and anyone who had balls and looked like actual females, as they drove their car into Space, Seifer looked out the back window to see colonies exploding and girls junctioned with sorceresses, that Seifer and Barret had "adopted" a lot of little girls whose parents mysteriously died.

"What a weird day," said Barret, as they drove to the colony in their crappy car. Then Duo and Heero walked down the street and they fell on top of each other and had hot steamy lovin', like in so many fanfics of this nature. Wufei was over there giving speeches about Women's equality. And Quatre was chasing Zelda's skirt. Zelda then says, "I must go!" And ran into the bathroom. Zelda was not seen, but Legolas walked out of the bathroom and kissed Quatre and said, "See ya!" and left.

Barret and Seifer finally reached their destination! The sign on the door said, "YOU HAVE FINALLY REACHED THE LAIR OF THE PRETTY AND SEXY MAGICAL GIRLS THAT ARE PROBABLY SORCERESSES THAT SEIFER DOESN'T HAVE AN INTEREST IN! PLEASE INSERT KEYS A AND B!"

Barret stuck key A into the indicated keyhole, and Seifer did the same with Key B. The door opened and Domon and Rain came out and shouted, "OUR LOVE WILL CREATE A BARRIER TO STOP YOU FROM ENTERING!!!!!! WHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Barret and Seifer walked past Domon and Rain, who were looking very confused. Unknown to Rain, her boyfriend came and proposed to her. While that was going on, a space bear carried Domon away where Allenby was. And there was much rejoicing.

Meanwhile, in The Lair, they saw underage girls becoming sorceresses. Barret and Seifer were much pleased! They had sensations in their pants and this made them want to sing!

Ansem walked in and opened his coat that looked like Seto Kaiba's and asked, "What do you need? Do you want to be a different color? Do you want to have sex with your other half? Wait, this only works in the Yu-Gi-Oh universe! Or do you just want Anzu's balls?"

Barret said, "No, mon. Just a song, mon!"

Ansem said, "Good choice! Here's one that I ripped off—I mean one that Yuffie 'borrowed' for me, from Beyblade!" Yuffie ran up to Ansem and said, "My materia now!" and kicked Ansem.

Ansem gave Yuffie some Technicolor materia and said, "Here, mom!"

Yuffie kissed Ansem on the forehead and said, "Thanks, son!" and ran off.

Seifer and Barret started singing the song, "Pretty Girls" from Beyblade that Ansem and Yuffie ripped off from those poor little kids oh dear.

Barret and Seifer were singing, YES, they were singing and frolicking in the fields of sorceresses and underage girls!

(Ready, ready, set, go)

If I were a dentist I would take the opportunity to look in your mouth,

Maybe if I did then I would better understand just what you're talking about,

And if my X-ray picture gave the proper information, I'd be back at the start,

Cos every time I try and talk to you, my words keep falling apart

Pretty girls make me nervous

Pretty girls make me nervous

Pretty girls make me nervous

When they're as pretty as you

If I were a surgeon, I would do an operation to examine your heart,

I'd check to see if you and me could really have a movie on the very start

And if my diagnosis turned up positive, I'd still be only dreaming of you,

Cos approaching you is something that I know I'll never have the guts to do

Pretty girls make me nervous

Pretty girls make me nervous

Pretty girls make me nervous

When they're as pretty as you

And when she smiles, she makes me happy

And when she's near, I get so dreamy

And in my award-winning dream, I perform like I was on a movie screen,

As I casually pop the question-

"Do you want to go out for coffee with me?"

"I don't drink coffee"

If I were a lawyer, I would argue for the right to kiss you passionately,

And if I were a teacher, I would rewrite history so you would end up with me,

And if I were an architect, then I'd be busy drawing up the perfect plan,

But all of these things I'm not, so what I am's the only thing I am

Pretty girls make me nervous

Pretty girls make me nervous

Pretty girls make me nervous

When they're as pretty as you

And this fic ended and Barret and Seifer lived happily ever after as the underage girls had random babies so that Barret would never be in short supply of girls, and Seifer junctioned every girl into a sorceress!

THE END!!!