A/N: There IS a reason I'm writing this story before continuing on to my second part of the trilogy... I'm trying to get better at making my characters more realistic and less perfect. So anyway, I'll start now -bows-
Chapter 1: The Invasion
(By the way, the first part of this chapter is just an attempt at conversational humor)
It was an average day at Hogwarts. Teachers were grading, Filch was yelling, Flitwick's class was in chaos, Slytherins were being stuck up and haughty towards Gryffindors, Gryffindors were plotting hypothetical deaths of their Slytherin rivals, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were rolling their eyes and the immaturity of the two houses, and Snape was failing as many Gryffindor students as he could. So yeah, it was a day in the life of a student who went to one of the most renowned magical schools in Europe.
Phoenix, Peck, and their friends were currently having a lunch outside on the school grounds, enjoying the nice, cloudy, rainy- well, never mind. But they WERE outside having lunch in pouring rain.
"Phoenix?"
"Yeah Harry?"
"Remind me again: exactly WHY are we having lunch outside in pouring rain, soaking our clothes through and getting our food all soggy?"
The boy in question shrugged.
"Umm... Blame Peck! Yeah... he did some sort of mental telepathy... thingy... that... okay, you're not buying it. Well, how was I supposed to know that the sky was gonna pour rain on us?"
"Uh, because you could see and hear the rain outside?"
"True, true, very true. ALRIGHT! I have the reason! I now know why I dragged you all out here!"
"Wait... you mean to say you didn't know why before?"
"No, BUT I KNOW NOW!"
Pretty much everyone present rolled their eyes.
"Alright, what's the reason?"
"Because I can't stand eating with the Slytherins!"
"... Phoenix? Umm... they're on the opposite side of the Great Hall which, I might add, is fairly huge."
"But I'm still in the same room with them!"
"You've never had this problem before..."
"But I do now! So we shall eat outside! Besides, Hermione could just conjure up some umbrellas for us so we don't have to get wet!"
"... But we already ARE wet..."
Phoenix stuck his tongue out.
"Fine! Be that way, Hermione! I'll just make the umbrellas MYSELF!"
And so, Phoenix took out his wand, waved it around a bit, muttered a few words, and grinned when he heard a "POOF!"
However, that grin quickly faded when he realized he hadn't conjured up an umbrella, but-
"A RABBIT?! WHY THE HELL DID I CONJURE UP A RABBIT?"
Had they not been outside in the pouring rain, his friends would have been sniggering to their hearts' content, but they were to annoyed to laugh right now. Well, except for Peck, but he was ALWAYS loaded with dry humor.
"Well, it seems as though you'd do a fine job of being a muggle magician, Phoenix!"
"Oh, shut up."
By now, Hermione had had it with being constantly drenched with water. Sighing angrily and picking up her food, she looked back at her friends and glared at Phoenix.
"Oh, for crying out loud, this is ludicrous. I'm going inside to eat in the library!"
Phoenix furrowed his eyes and tried to process what she said.
"The... library? Isn't that the fabled place where all those books are?"
"Yes Phoenix, and it's the place you hardly ever visit because you're too friggin' lazy to do a decent job on your homework... no wonder you couldn't get the conjuring spell right."
"So? Like I'm ever gonna need that... all I need is my fire, my guns, an' I'm all set!"
"Forget it... see you guys later..."
And so she walked in.
Ron was next to get up.
"Eh, this rain stinks. I'm gonna go in and see exactly why Hermione wants to eat in the library..."
"That's probably not the only reason why you want to see Hermione..." muttered Peck. That earned him a kick from Ron, who then walked inside.
Ginny sighed and got up.
"I better make sure my brother doesn't drag Hermione into a broom closet... or get dragged into one himself... later guys."
Next to leave were Seamus, Dean, and Neville, the latter giving Phoenix an apologetic look.
"Sorry, but it really DOES stink to eat in the rain... literally. I think my food's gone bad. Later guys." And so they left.
Phoenix and Peck turned to Harry pleadingly.
"You aren't gonna go too, are you? Harry... kind Harry... caring Harry... understanding Harry... almighty Harry... Harry the Great... Harry the Awesome... Harry the-"
"Bye guys..."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" they paused to take a breath, "-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Yes."
And before they could get him gagged and bound to prevent him from leaving, Harry took off as fast as his legs could carry him, making a break for the front doors of the castle. Once he was out of sight, Phoenix turned to Peck.
"Well, this little picnic has been a major let down..."
"Tell me about it..."
"Well, first it started raining, then everybody started complaining abou-"
"I didn't mean it literally, Phoenix."
"Oh..."
And so they attempted to eat their thoroughly soggy food as best as they could in silence. That is, until Phoenix heard cackling in the distance.
"What was that?"
"The cackling?"
Phoenix rolled his eyes. "No... the cute fluffy bunny that just hopped by."
"Oh... well, didn't you just say that it was a cute-"
"OF COURSE I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE CACKLING!"
"Well, how was I supposed to know? I'm not a mind reader, for crying out loud! But yeah, I heard it... sounded to me like... cackling."
"No kidding..."
They heard the cackling again, but this time, it was closer.
"Uh oh... it sounds like it's coming towards us..."
"I don't know about you, but I think we should- OW! What the keck was that?!"
"Peck? What's a keck?"
"I didn't say keck, I said heck..."
"You said keck, and I know- OUCH! What the heel...?!"
"What heel?"
"I didn't say heel, idiot! I said hell!"
"No... you said heel..."
This time, when they heard the cackling, it was practically right in front of them.
"TUN!" They shouted in unison, not realizing they mispronounced "run".
When they finally made it inside, they leaned against the Great Oak Doors, panting.
"I don't know WHAT that was outside, but it couldn't have been anything good..."
"You're teelin' me, Phoenix."
Phoenix snickered.
"What?"
"Teelin'? What's Teelin'?"
"STOP JOKING AROUND! I SAID TELLIN'!"
"Uh... no you didn't..."
Peck sighed.
"Let's drop it and say hi to our friends in the library..."
"The library? Where's that?"
Peck rolled his eyes and grabbed Phoenix by the arm, preparing to drag him along.
"Just fillow me..."
"What's fill-?"
"I SAID DROP IT!"
A/N: So... what do you think? Incredibly crappy? Or actually somewhat amusing? Later chapters should HOPEFULLY be more interesting than this, but hey, I'm still learning, right? You've gotta give me SOME credit for trying to come up with what I hope is an original idea.
Anyway, methinks I'll dedicate this story to Sophianwin, who's stories about Mary Sues and Gary Stus attacking Hogwarts gave me the idea to write a story about another common writing problem: Typo Demons.