A/N: Apologies for the long delay – a death in the family, and various
other real life concerns, put a wrench in the works, so to speak.
Chapter Eleven
Remus sat on the sill of the infirmary window, watching a gray dawn creep across the paling sky. The light breeze curled around the loose window casing and tickled Remus' nose with the scent of dust and rain. He took a sip of his tea, feeling a quiet melancholy settle over his shoulders like the soft down of the rain clouds overhead.
His potion-spiked tea eased the ache in his body brought on by the Change and the calmness of the early morning soothed his frayed nerves. The light, almost piercingly sweet notes of the sparrows flitting across the dewy grass were underscored by the deep, echoing croaks of two ravens at the edge of the forest. The sounds were muffled by the hushed anticipation of dry earth for the coming rain and despite himself, Remus felt his eyelids drooping. The soft, warmly scented breeze stirred his graying hair as he leant back and fell into an exhausted sleep.
*********
::No! Papa, stop! Please!::
Snape woke up with a twitch. Mucus crusted his eyes and he couldn't breathe through his nose. The pressure in his sinuses was exacerbated by the fierce beat vibrating through his skull, down his spine, and along his nerves. His muscles felt frozen and his bones burned with delirious heat. ::Need - need the heroin...:: He coughed, trying to clear his head.
"Severus?" A soft voice buzzed through Snape's ears.
"D'you mind if I light a couple of candles?" A sharp light spiked through his right eye and a memory gripped him - his mother on the rough floor of the kitchen, his father leering above her - and a deep shudder pushed through him as his gut gave a heavy wrench.
"Let me get you some blankets -"
Snape's jaw clenched and he felt his teeth creak with the pressure. Through his addled thoughts and jumbled memories he recognized Lupin's voice.
Still groping for reality amidst the wreck of his mind, he hissed "No!" The force of the word caught in his throat and he coughed, his eyes watering as his body tried to quench the fire gnawing at the marrow of his bones - his father leveling a wand at him, the crisp crack of magic and the unendurable, incomprehensible pain - the steady rise and fall of a thick strap of leather, the dull whack against flesh, his mother's begging - Snape felt a huge, seething mass of angry hate swell within his chest, consuming his mind and feeding off of both present and remembered pain. "Goin'..."
"Severus? Are you okay?" Snape barely registered the words spoken to him through the pressure boiling his skull. The long, stained fingers of his nightmares grasping the scuffed old wand rose again and again in his mind's eye, but he was going to kill the old bastard this time, kill him with bare hands...
*********
Remus almost fell off of his perch at the sudden sharp cough from behind him. He stretched, feeling his back and neck twinge with reproach at his unorthodox position, before turning and peering into the gloom. After the brightening sky, the infirmary was cast in unreal shadows. "Severus?" Still blinking furiously at the gloom the light had cast across his eyes, he turned to where he knew Snape's bed was.
The soft flow of air from the window behind him made it impossible to scent Snape, but as his eyes adjusted he was able to see the dark form against the white sheets of the hospital cot.
"D'you mind if I light a couple of candles?" He asked quietly. When he got no response, he flicked his wand at the shelf beside Snape's cot and lit the candle sitting there.
Snape was haggard, sallow skin tinted yellow. Two pitch black eyes glittered dully in the candlelight. Remus noticed that under the thin bedcovers, Snape was shivering violently.
"Let me get you some blankets -"
"No!" Snape barely moved his lips as the word grated past his teeth. He coughed again, wiping at streaming eyes before propping himself up on shaking arms. "Goin'..." He sniffed, his nose running.
"Severus? Are you okay?" Remus watched with mounting trepidation as Snape's trembling became even more pronounced.
"Goin'...goin' t'kill..." Snape was panting heavily through his teeth, his hands gripping the sides of the cot. He was shaking, eyes unfocussed, and the tendons were clearly visible in his neck. A vein throbbed in his forehead and a muscle jumped at his in his jaw. The thick, spicy musk of rage filled Remus' nose, and he put a hand out to steady himself.
"Severus?"
With a sudden jerk Snape snarled wordlessly and threw himself off the cot. Remus felt a chill squirm along his spine, the reek of pent up violence setting the hair on his neck on end as the barely quiescent wolf within cracked open its golden eyes.
"Snape!"
The gaunt man panted laboriously, limbs shaking, eyes and nose streaming. He looked frightful, his stringy black hair plastered to his too pale face and his snag teeth bared in a painful grimace. "Kill 'im-" The sharp bones of his face were skull-like beneath the rough shadow of his cheeks, and the violent scent grew as he took one shaking step, and then another.
Remus' mind shook itself and he moved to stop Snape. "Severus, what's wrong?" Snape growled and pushed ineffectively at Remus' chest, but Remus easily restrained him.
"Get th' f-fuck offa me! 'E's goin' t' die -"
"Who, Severus? Who's going to die?" Remus was dizzy from the heady stink of aggression.
"'E killed 'er! 'E killed 'er! I'm goin' t' kill 'im!" Snape screamed, and with a mighty jerk he broke free of Remus.
"Snape! Stop!" Remus pulled his wand and without thinking stunned the fleeing figure. Snape fell to he ground with a thump and lay still.
*********
"What is going on in here?!" Madam Pomfrey's shrill voice rang through the Infirmary. Remus blushed as he stood over Snape's crumpled form and felt a strong need to explain himself.
"Severus, uh, he woke up, and, um, he, he said that he was going to kill someone, or someone was going to be killed, and then he tried to take off, so I stunned him." He stood awkwardly to the side as the Mediwitch levitated Snape's body back onto his cot.
"I can't take much more of this, Poppy." Remus' voice shook and he cleared his throat. "I haven't gotten more than a couple of hours sleep at a time for at least two weeks, and... and..." He stopped as a heavy knot wedged in his throat and the salty itch of tears brushed the back of his eyes. "I have to - to go through... through Sirius' will, in a week... and I want to get the house ready, in case..." He turned away and covered his face with his hands. He felt a gentle touch at his elbow.
"Remus, sit down and I'll make some tea."
She's so kind, he thought. She always took care of me, after the Change. The memories of the Marauders full moon escapades in the Forbidden Forest brought a new wave of sorrow and his breath hitched in his chest. A handkerchief was pressed into his hand and he wiped his face, suddenly acutely self-conscious of his maudlin behavior and red, tear-streaked face. He began to apologize, but she briskly waved it away.
"Remus, drink your tea." She handed him a cup. It smelled of chamomile heavily laced with clover honey, and the steam soothed his face. "And some chocolate, Remus." A large chunk of extra strength medicinal chocolate was placed in his free hand and he managed a nibble before putting it aside. He picked it up again, however, when Pomfrey sent him a sharp glance.
"All of it."
"Yes, Ma'am," he replied, and was rewarded by a small smile.
"It's been tough for all of us, Mr. Lupin, but I think it has been considerably worse for you. I want you to go home and sleep for at least ten hours. I'll give you a timed potion, if you like, and you'll sleep deeply until about mid afternoon. I'll tell the Headmaster it's Mediwitch's Orders." She moved briskly about the Infirmary, clearing Remus' cup and checking on Snape.
"Thank you, Poppy. I think I will."
*********
The door to his little room in the old Black mansion closed behind him and he breathed a sigh of relief. Unceremoniously dropping his threadbare traveling cloak on the floor, he leaned back against the door and closed his eyes. Beneath his fingers he could feel tiny cracks and irregularities in the old paint coating the walls. The still moment was shattered when his stomach gave a reverberating rumble.
::Food, then,:: he thought. ::When was the last time I ate anything?:: He shook his head. ::For that matter, what's the date today?:: He trudged across the creaky floorboards and pushed the door to his tiny kitchen open. He found some biscuits and jam shoved deep into one of the cabinets and pulled them out. ::They smell all right,:: he supposed. He was too tired to go back downstairs to see if there was anything more palatable to be found in the main kitchen.
After cramming a few tasteless biscuits down his throat, he slouched over to the bed pushed against the yellowing wall and collapsed fully clothed across it. He washed the last of the biscuit with Pomfrey's sleeping potion and was asleep before the bottle dropped from his nerveless fingers.
*********
The warm, mellow golden glow of the light slanting through his dusty window inched across his face. He had managed a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, but now he lay on his back, wide awake. Questions tinged with guilt and sadness ran endlessly through his mind. ::What if I had stopped Sirius and James from tormenting Snape? What drove Snape to Voldemort? What if I had...? When did he start... taking the drugs? Was he taking them when we were students together? What if...?::
::Who does he want to kill?::
"This is ridiculous," he grumbled to himself. With a grunt he sat up, rubbing at his eyes. "I have my own things to worry about, for Merlin's sake."
His feet automatically carried him to the kitchen and the old teapot. While his hands were busy, his mind wandered back to Snape.
::How are we going to...fix... this? We need him. What happened at the Death Eater meeting? Why did he wake up in a murderous rage? Will I ever be able to stop asking myself questions I don't know the answers to?::
He smirked into the steam rising from the teapot. ::I'll go back to Hogwarts after I get a bite to eat. I need to talk to Dumbledore about the Gloucester Pack situation, anyway.::
*********
Remus quietly pushed open the doors to the Infirmary. The large room with its neat rows of white cots was empty save Snape, who still lay unconscious where Pomfrey had left him. Remus heard murmurs escaping from the brightly lit office at the far end of the Infirmary.
He knocked lightly on the door and was soon greeted by a frazzled Pomfrey. "Oh, come in, Remus, the Headmaster and I were just finishing off a late lunch." She ushered him into the neatly appointed little room before moving out into the main Ward. Dumbledore sat on one side of her desk, and two plates holding cold sandwitches graced the otherwise uncluttered desk.
"Remus, my boy. I trust you slept well?" Dumbledore rose to greet him. The old wizard smiled, but a shadow of unease sat upon his brow and shaded his eyes. "Come, have a sandwich. The house elves somehow manage to turn the simplest of meals into a feast." Remus allowed himself to be sat.
"Albus, how are the negotiations going in South America?" Remus started on what he thought would be a relatively neutral subject.
"They are going well, I hope. The Elders are debating our proposition: many of the younger generation are eager to help, but the Elders... they remember what happened when Voldemort first rose to power, and are understandably cautious about attracting his attention." He picked up his sandwich and took a large bite, chewing slowly as if to extract every last spark of flavor. "Roast beef - my favorite. Are you sure you won't have one?"
"I ate at Grimmauld Place before I came over. Albus, I was thinking about the Gloucester Pack situation, and -" He was interrupted by Pomfrey, who stuck her head through the doorway.
"I'm waking up Severus, now." Her head retreated. Remus and Dumbledore shared a glance before standing silently and following the mediwitch.
*********
When Snape's eyes slitted open Pomfrey gave a murmur of approval before hurrying to the supply room next to her office and emerging with a vial of milky fluid and a sparkling syringe. Pushing the needle through the heavy rubber stretched across the top of the vial, she drew up a careful twenty cc's.
Snape had pushed himself up at Pomfrey's reentry and was now staring fixedly at the syringe in her hands. A thin strand of saliva leaked from the corner of his mouth and he licked his lips absently. He shuddered violently and Remus could see the muscles working in his throat and jaw.
"Give -" Snape croaked dryly, his hands clenching and unclenching spasmodically.
"One moment, Severus."
"Wait - you're giving him some?!" Remus exclaimed, reaching out a hand to stop the mediwitch.
"RE-mus! Stop this second!" The solid little witch evaded him with ease. "He can die of withdrawal. He's been using heavily for at least a week." She strode past him and came to the side of Snape's bed. Snape turned his spare, hawklike face toward the thin cylinder of glass like a moth to flame.
His hand struck suddenly, snatching the syringe from a startled Madam Pomfrey. Panting roughly, Snape ripped at the sleeve of his long gray nightshirt before pausing and almost delicately sliding the thin metal spike beneath the skin at his elbow and injecting the milky fluid.
The liquid gathered in a bubble beneath Snape's pale, almost translucent skin before slowly diffusing into the scarred vein. A bruise began darkening his forearm where the blood leaked from the punctured vein.
*********
A faint tug accompanied the spell Pomfrey cast, and Snape's eyes opened slightly to view the too bright infirmary. His body ached unbearably, and he could barely breathe through his running nose. With an effort he managed to sit up, wincing as his stiff shoulder screamed at him. Hadn't he left the infirmary already?
He squinted his watering eyes and the blurry outlines of at least three figures coalesced out of the blinding brightness. Disoriented, he tried to - there. The glint of light on glass, the glitter of a needle. A desperate bloom of thirst almost burst his chest and he could feel his mouth begin to salivate. He tried to move forward, but his body refused to listen. If only... "Give -"
The figures swirled around each other before the syringe was within reach. Without conscious thought he snatched it out of the air, ripped at his sleeve, and slid the needle under his skin.
His stomach dropped with disappointment when he realized it was a relatively weak solution - enough to banish the withdrawal symptoms, clear up his sinuses, and enable him to function, but not enough to push him over the edge into blissful emptiness. He shuddered slightly as the drug slid quietly into his brain, soothing his aching body and clearing his head.
This was enough to get him up and moving: he'd have to find something stronger later. A movement caught his eye and he jerked his gaze up to see the werewolf's face resolve out of the light. A wave of shame at his weakness and anger at the beast for seeing it crashed against the numbing barrier thrown up by the drug.
*********
"Something catch your interest, Lupin?" Snape hissed, and Remus tore his eyes off Snape's arm. The gaunt wizard glared blackly at him before blinking several times and closing his eyes. A slight smile curled the corners of his thin mouth as the sharp planes of his face eased.
Remus' head buzzed with a queasy repulsion, and he had to turn away. Pomfrey tutted at the now slack Snape and took the syringe.
"Severus Snape, if you ever presume to snatch medical equipment from me again, I shall give you the wrong medicine," Pomfrey huffed. Remus looked from her to Snape to Dumbledore in shocked surprise.
"So you're just - just going to give it to him?! I thought you were going to bloody heal him!" Remus spluttered.
"Since when do I need someone to heal me?" Remus spun around to see Snape's head emerge from the depths of a black robe. Long, slender hands reached under the cot and pulled out two scuffed leather boots.
"Snape?!"
"No, it's Merlin himself, in the flesh. Get out of my way, Lupin."
"B-b-but -"
"Your eloquence astounds me, as usual," Snape muttered as he finished tying his boots.
*********
"One moment, Headmaster. I need to discuss something with Professor Snape. Severus, please come with me." Pomfrey half led, half dragged Snape into the little office at the far end of the infirmary.
Remus turned to face Dumbledore, who merely shrugged.
"I am not staying in the infirmary!" A crash reverberated dully from the office. "There is nothing the bloody hell wrong with my liver! Wouldn't you just love that, a chance to lord it over me for days at a time, you bloody hypochondriac!"
Remus reached the door to the office in time to see Snape shake off Pomfrey's restraining hand. His face was pale except for two lurid points of red high on his cheekbones, and his eyes shifted nervily. "Don't tell me to bloody well watch my language, there are no students around and I am a master of this school!" He growled, glaring blackly.
"Then why don't you act like one, *Professor Snape*?!" Came Pomfrey's shrill retort. "Taking all manner of illicit drugs, drinking until you must pass out -"
"What nonsense are you babbling about, woman?! Why the Headmaster ever hired such a quack..." Snape's voice had degraded to a venomous hiss and he refused to meet the mediwitch's eyes. He rubbed listlessly at the bridge of his nose.
"Are you calling my professional capabilities into question, young man?! Even you might show some gratitude towards the person who just saved your life-!"
Remus followed Dumbledore into the office where the old wizard's presence immediately stilled his staff members' bickering. After a moment of silence, Pomfrey turned to face the Headmaster.
"He won't take the bezoar elixir! He refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with him! You wake me up in the middle of the night at my sister's home and drag me all the way back here to treat *that man*, and he refuses to let me help him!" Pomfrey's face was beet red, her eyes wide and wisps of her hair were beginning to escape from her wimple.
Dumbledore held up a placating hand. "Severus, it would be best to do as Poppy says." Snape twitched and his face flushed hotly, a muscle jumping in his jaw, and Remus was painfully reminded of Snape's earlier aggression. The remembered reek of violence stung the back of his throat and he felt a wave of dizziness.
With a dark, resentful glare shot at the Headmaster, Snape snatched the vial off Pomfrey's desk and stormed out of the room. Remus flinched as the doors to the infirmary slammed shut with a reverberating bang.
"Uh -" Remus cleared his throat. Dumbledore regarded him over his gold framed spectacles.
"The best medicine at this point is a listening ear, Remus. Please inform Severus that, when he is ready, I will hear his report."
Frustrated, Remus tried to sort out his thoughts. "How is any of this helping? How are we going to - to fix all this? You don't seem to be doing anything, Snape isn't cooperating with your versamentus scheme, I have my ::own:: things to do, I haven't even had a proper night's sleep in a week, for Merlin's sake!" He felt as if he was fraying at the edges, his convictions unraveling as he realized that Dumbledore and Pomfrey were feeling their way as blindly as he was. The warm weight of Dumbledore's hand rested lightly on his shoulder.
"Severus has a great many wounds, and he tries to care for them the only way he knows how. Please - speak with him."
Remus fought the urge to shrug the hand from his shoulder and run back to Grimmauld Place, crawl into bed, and sleep for a week - and hopefully wake up to find out that this whole situation was a construct of his tired mind. "Fine. I'll go find him and try to talk to him."
*********
"Severus?" Remus reached the top of the Astronomy tower, panting slightly from the long climb. The Observatory at the top was dimly lit by the cloudy late afternoon sky, washing the stones in a dusty rose. Remus' wand had indicated that Snape was up here, for whatever unfathomable reason.
Glancing about the broad tower top, he caught sight of a black clad figure shrouded in musty blue shadow.
"Who were you going to kill, Severus?" Remus was as surprised by the question that tumbled past his lips. He had only intended to ask why Snape was in the Astronomy tower. In the shadows, Snape's face drained of color, black eyes widening before honing to a narrow obsidian blade.
"Wouldn't you like to know," His sneer was only ruined by a subtle shaking. A moment later his expression shattered and he laughed sharply. "I suppose it's too bad I already killed him, eh?"
Remus blinked. He had the same vertiginous feeling that swamped him before a Change, the feeling of his reality altering itself. "You - you killed -? Who...?" He cleared his throat. "Who did you kill, Snape?" His voice was quiet, but rage coursed through his blood. Snape had always made a point of accusing *him* of being a murderous monster. ::He also accused me of being dirt poor, when he was likely worse off financially than I was,:: a soft voice reminded him. A piece of the puzzle that was Snape fell into place with a muffled click.
Snape's eyes glittered malevolently in the shadows. He seemed to be scrutinizing Remus, his sharp gaze traveling over Remus' face. Finally, as if coming to a decision, he looked away.
"My father. And others, but I was thinking of my father." The words were quiet, but inflected with bitterness. Remus felt the world tilt beneath him, the strange feeling of stepping forward and finding only air where earth once was. Sensing Remus' shock, Snape chuckled mirthlessly. "How can you be so naive, Lupin?" Snape sneered. "What did you think I did as a follower of the Dark Lord, take tea and scones? Fox hunts, perhaps? It was - is - a *war*, Lupin."
"But - but -"
"No 'but's, Lupin. Now go away and leave me in peace." Snape turned away, and Remus growled in anger.
"Snape! I'm talking to you!" With effort he forced himself to take a deep breath. Anger never solved anything. "Snape, why did you kill your father?"
"Why are you still here?" Snape's voice was dismissive and he raised something to his lips.
"Because I want to know. Because you're going to tell me."
Snape laughed. "Or what?"
"Or I'll do to you what you did to me." Remus forced the words past his recalcitrant jaw and hoped that Snape hadn't seen the effort they had taken to say.
"You wouldn't."
"Why not?"
"You need me to make the Wolfsbane. I am quite capable of... making a mistake. It *is* a very complicated potion."
The air between them hissed and crackled with tension. ::I'm standing up here arguing with a homicidal drug addict,:: Remus thought dazedly. ::Thank Merlin Dumbledore still has his wand.:: Snape again lifted something to his mouth.
"Hell, Snape, are you drinking?!" He winced at the slightly manic taste of his words. "Do you ever bloody stop? No wonder -" He stopped with a strangled yelp as Snape surged to his feet and grabbed the front of Remus' robes. He was shorter than Remus by a good two or three inches, but managed to loom heavily over him. The scent of hard liquor tingled and burned in Remus' nose as Snape exhaled sharply.
"You don't understand, do you, Lupin? You had a family that gave a damn about you. You had your stinking, arrogant bastard friends of yours. You were kept safe and protected as a student. You even had a bloody home to go to when you weren't at school!" The hiss rose to a screech at this last, and Snape panted harshly before abruptly letting go and slumping back against the darkening wall. The sun was quietly leaking out of the sky as dusk approached, but enough light remained to glint off of the bottle in Snape's hand.
Remus forced himself to breathe before sinking to his knees and leaning back against the wall beside the thin, dark haired man. "My family wasn't all that great, you know. After I was Bitten, they sort of kept their distance. Nice enough, but not overly demonstrative." He paused. "Where did your family live?"
He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw Snape blush in the fading light before taking a long swig off of the bottle. It went down his throat like water. The sight made Remus slightly queasy, but he remained seated and didn't say a word.
"You aren't going to leave me in peace, are you?" Snape sighed. It was more of a statement than a question.
"No, I'm not." Remus felt as if he was within reaching distance of the answer. What it was the answer to, he wasn't sure.
"And Dumbledore is going to make me switch -" he made the word sound obscene- "bodies with you if I don't. Typical. He thinks 'friendship' and 'communication' will solve all the world's ills." He paused, contemplating the small, flat bottle in his hand before tossing back another gulp. "If I talk to you, do not allow him to perform the versamentus curse."
Remus felt surprise flower in his chest. Snape had seen what Remus hadn't - Dumbledore knew the threat of the curse would likely be enough to open Snape up. He gritted his teeth, but again didn't comment beyond nodding his head. "What's in that bottle?"
Snape smirked. "Gin. And some licorice oil." He handed it to Remus, who took a cautious sniff. He could almost see the thick fumes wafting from the bottleneck. With a glance at Snape, he lifted it to his mouth and almost gagged as the sluggish fire burst in his mouth.
With great effort he swallowed a mouthful, feeling it trace a harsh path from his mouth to his stomach, where it sat heavily. Through streaming eyes he saw Snape smirk in amusement at him before taking the bottle back and deliberately wiping the top on his sleeve, but Remus was too busy trying to catch his breath to take much note of the gesture. They both remained leaning against the smooth, cool stone wall, watching the day fade and the soft dusky gloom of impending night creep from the growing shadows.
When the first star glimmered through the lavender haze of the darkening summer sky, Remus quietly stood and descended the long stairway back down to the main castle. The torches were beginning to flare to life as he grabbed a handful of floo powder. "Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place."
It wasn't until he had blown out the last candle and was drifting to sleep that he realized Snape had not only managed to avoid saying anything of substance, but had also gotten him to agree not to go through with the Versamentus curse. ::No wonder he's such a good spy,:: he thought ruefully as he drifted to sleep.
Chapter Eleven
Remus sat on the sill of the infirmary window, watching a gray dawn creep across the paling sky. The light breeze curled around the loose window casing and tickled Remus' nose with the scent of dust and rain. He took a sip of his tea, feeling a quiet melancholy settle over his shoulders like the soft down of the rain clouds overhead.
His potion-spiked tea eased the ache in his body brought on by the Change and the calmness of the early morning soothed his frayed nerves. The light, almost piercingly sweet notes of the sparrows flitting across the dewy grass were underscored by the deep, echoing croaks of two ravens at the edge of the forest. The sounds were muffled by the hushed anticipation of dry earth for the coming rain and despite himself, Remus felt his eyelids drooping. The soft, warmly scented breeze stirred his graying hair as he leant back and fell into an exhausted sleep.
*********
::No! Papa, stop! Please!::
Snape woke up with a twitch. Mucus crusted his eyes and he couldn't breathe through his nose. The pressure in his sinuses was exacerbated by the fierce beat vibrating through his skull, down his spine, and along his nerves. His muscles felt frozen and his bones burned with delirious heat. ::Need - need the heroin...:: He coughed, trying to clear his head.
"Severus?" A soft voice buzzed through Snape's ears.
"D'you mind if I light a couple of candles?" A sharp light spiked through his right eye and a memory gripped him - his mother on the rough floor of the kitchen, his father leering above her - and a deep shudder pushed through him as his gut gave a heavy wrench.
"Let me get you some blankets -"
Snape's jaw clenched and he felt his teeth creak with the pressure. Through his addled thoughts and jumbled memories he recognized Lupin's voice.
Still groping for reality amidst the wreck of his mind, he hissed "No!" The force of the word caught in his throat and he coughed, his eyes watering as his body tried to quench the fire gnawing at the marrow of his bones - his father leveling a wand at him, the crisp crack of magic and the unendurable, incomprehensible pain - the steady rise and fall of a thick strap of leather, the dull whack against flesh, his mother's begging - Snape felt a huge, seething mass of angry hate swell within his chest, consuming his mind and feeding off of both present and remembered pain. "Goin'..."
"Severus? Are you okay?" Snape barely registered the words spoken to him through the pressure boiling his skull. The long, stained fingers of his nightmares grasping the scuffed old wand rose again and again in his mind's eye, but he was going to kill the old bastard this time, kill him with bare hands...
*********
Remus almost fell off of his perch at the sudden sharp cough from behind him. He stretched, feeling his back and neck twinge with reproach at his unorthodox position, before turning and peering into the gloom. After the brightening sky, the infirmary was cast in unreal shadows. "Severus?" Still blinking furiously at the gloom the light had cast across his eyes, he turned to where he knew Snape's bed was.
The soft flow of air from the window behind him made it impossible to scent Snape, but as his eyes adjusted he was able to see the dark form against the white sheets of the hospital cot.
"D'you mind if I light a couple of candles?" He asked quietly. When he got no response, he flicked his wand at the shelf beside Snape's cot and lit the candle sitting there.
Snape was haggard, sallow skin tinted yellow. Two pitch black eyes glittered dully in the candlelight. Remus noticed that under the thin bedcovers, Snape was shivering violently.
"Let me get you some blankets -"
"No!" Snape barely moved his lips as the word grated past his teeth. He coughed again, wiping at streaming eyes before propping himself up on shaking arms. "Goin'..." He sniffed, his nose running.
"Severus? Are you okay?" Remus watched with mounting trepidation as Snape's trembling became even more pronounced.
"Goin'...goin' t'kill..." Snape was panting heavily through his teeth, his hands gripping the sides of the cot. He was shaking, eyes unfocussed, and the tendons were clearly visible in his neck. A vein throbbed in his forehead and a muscle jumped at his in his jaw. The thick, spicy musk of rage filled Remus' nose, and he put a hand out to steady himself.
"Severus?"
With a sudden jerk Snape snarled wordlessly and threw himself off the cot. Remus felt a chill squirm along his spine, the reek of pent up violence setting the hair on his neck on end as the barely quiescent wolf within cracked open its golden eyes.
"Snape!"
The gaunt man panted laboriously, limbs shaking, eyes and nose streaming. He looked frightful, his stringy black hair plastered to his too pale face and his snag teeth bared in a painful grimace. "Kill 'im-" The sharp bones of his face were skull-like beneath the rough shadow of his cheeks, and the violent scent grew as he took one shaking step, and then another.
Remus' mind shook itself and he moved to stop Snape. "Severus, what's wrong?" Snape growled and pushed ineffectively at Remus' chest, but Remus easily restrained him.
"Get th' f-fuck offa me! 'E's goin' t' die -"
"Who, Severus? Who's going to die?" Remus was dizzy from the heady stink of aggression.
"'E killed 'er! 'E killed 'er! I'm goin' t' kill 'im!" Snape screamed, and with a mighty jerk he broke free of Remus.
"Snape! Stop!" Remus pulled his wand and without thinking stunned the fleeing figure. Snape fell to he ground with a thump and lay still.
*********
"What is going on in here?!" Madam Pomfrey's shrill voice rang through the Infirmary. Remus blushed as he stood over Snape's crumpled form and felt a strong need to explain himself.
"Severus, uh, he woke up, and, um, he, he said that he was going to kill someone, or someone was going to be killed, and then he tried to take off, so I stunned him." He stood awkwardly to the side as the Mediwitch levitated Snape's body back onto his cot.
"I can't take much more of this, Poppy." Remus' voice shook and he cleared his throat. "I haven't gotten more than a couple of hours sleep at a time for at least two weeks, and... and..." He stopped as a heavy knot wedged in his throat and the salty itch of tears brushed the back of his eyes. "I have to - to go through... through Sirius' will, in a week... and I want to get the house ready, in case..." He turned away and covered his face with his hands. He felt a gentle touch at his elbow.
"Remus, sit down and I'll make some tea."
She's so kind, he thought. She always took care of me, after the Change. The memories of the Marauders full moon escapades in the Forbidden Forest brought a new wave of sorrow and his breath hitched in his chest. A handkerchief was pressed into his hand and he wiped his face, suddenly acutely self-conscious of his maudlin behavior and red, tear-streaked face. He began to apologize, but she briskly waved it away.
"Remus, drink your tea." She handed him a cup. It smelled of chamomile heavily laced with clover honey, and the steam soothed his face. "And some chocolate, Remus." A large chunk of extra strength medicinal chocolate was placed in his free hand and he managed a nibble before putting it aside. He picked it up again, however, when Pomfrey sent him a sharp glance.
"All of it."
"Yes, Ma'am," he replied, and was rewarded by a small smile.
"It's been tough for all of us, Mr. Lupin, but I think it has been considerably worse for you. I want you to go home and sleep for at least ten hours. I'll give you a timed potion, if you like, and you'll sleep deeply until about mid afternoon. I'll tell the Headmaster it's Mediwitch's Orders." She moved briskly about the Infirmary, clearing Remus' cup and checking on Snape.
"Thank you, Poppy. I think I will."
*********
The door to his little room in the old Black mansion closed behind him and he breathed a sigh of relief. Unceremoniously dropping his threadbare traveling cloak on the floor, he leaned back against the door and closed his eyes. Beneath his fingers he could feel tiny cracks and irregularities in the old paint coating the walls. The still moment was shattered when his stomach gave a reverberating rumble.
::Food, then,:: he thought. ::When was the last time I ate anything?:: He shook his head. ::For that matter, what's the date today?:: He trudged across the creaky floorboards and pushed the door to his tiny kitchen open. He found some biscuits and jam shoved deep into one of the cabinets and pulled them out. ::They smell all right,:: he supposed. He was too tired to go back downstairs to see if there was anything more palatable to be found in the main kitchen.
After cramming a few tasteless biscuits down his throat, he slouched over to the bed pushed against the yellowing wall and collapsed fully clothed across it. He washed the last of the biscuit with Pomfrey's sleeping potion and was asleep before the bottle dropped from his nerveless fingers.
*********
The warm, mellow golden glow of the light slanting through his dusty window inched across his face. He had managed a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, but now he lay on his back, wide awake. Questions tinged with guilt and sadness ran endlessly through his mind. ::What if I had stopped Sirius and James from tormenting Snape? What drove Snape to Voldemort? What if I had...? When did he start... taking the drugs? Was he taking them when we were students together? What if...?::
::Who does he want to kill?::
"This is ridiculous," he grumbled to himself. With a grunt he sat up, rubbing at his eyes. "I have my own things to worry about, for Merlin's sake."
His feet automatically carried him to the kitchen and the old teapot. While his hands were busy, his mind wandered back to Snape.
::How are we going to...fix... this? We need him. What happened at the Death Eater meeting? Why did he wake up in a murderous rage? Will I ever be able to stop asking myself questions I don't know the answers to?::
He smirked into the steam rising from the teapot. ::I'll go back to Hogwarts after I get a bite to eat. I need to talk to Dumbledore about the Gloucester Pack situation, anyway.::
*********
Remus quietly pushed open the doors to the Infirmary. The large room with its neat rows of white cots was empty save Snape, who still lay unconscious where Pomfrey had left him. Remus heard murmurs escaping from the brightly lit office at the far end of the Infirmary.
He knocked lightly on the door and was soon greeted by a frazzled Pomfrey. "Oh, come in, Remus, the Headmaster and I were just finishing off a late lunch." She ushered him into the neatly appointed little room before moving out into the main Ward. Dumbledore sat on one side of her desk, and two plates holding cold sandwitches graced the otherwise uncluttered desk.
"Remus, my boy. I trust you slept well?" Dumbledore rose to greet him. The old wizard smiled, but a shadow of unease sat upon his brow and shaded his eyes. "Come, have a sandwich. The house elves somehow manage to turn the simplest of meals into a feast." Remus allowed himself to be sat.
"Albus, how are the negotiations going in South America?" Remus started on what he thought would be a relatively neutral subject.
"They are going well, I hope. The Elders are debating our proposition: many of the younger generation are eager to help, but the Elders... they remember what happened when Voldemort first rose to power, and are understandably cautious about attracting his attention." He picked up his sandwich and took a large bite, chewing slowly as if to extract every last spark of flavor. "Roast beef - my favorite. Are you sure you won't have one?"
"I ate at Grimmauld Place before I came over. Albus, I was thinking about the Gloucester Pack situation, and -" He was interrupted by Pomfrey, who stuck her head through the doorway.
"I'm waking up Severus, now." Her head retreated. Remus and Dumbledore shared a glance before standing silently and following the mediwitch.
*********
When Snape's eyes slitted open Pomfrey gave a murmur of approval before hurrying to the supply room next to her office and emerging with a vial of milky fluid and a sparkling syringe. Pushing the needle through the heavy rubber stretched across the top of the vial, she drew up a careful twenty cc's.
Snape had pushed himself up at Pomfrey's reentry and was now staring fixedly at the syringe in her hands. A thin strand of saliva leaked from the corner of his mouth and he licked his lips absently. He shuddered violently and Remus could see the muscles working in his throat and jaw.
"Give -" Snape croaked dryly, his hands clenching and unclenching spasmodically.
"One moment, Severus."
"Wait - you're giving him some?!" Remus exclaimed, reaching out a hand to stop the mediwitch.
"RE-mus! Stop this second!" The solid little witch evaded him with ease. "He can die of withdrawal. He's been using heavily for at least a week." She strode past him and came to the side of Snape's bed. Snape turned his spare, hawklike face toward the thin cylinder of glass like a moth to flame.
His hand struck suddenly, snatching the syringe from a startled Madam Pomfrey. Panting roughly, Snape ripped at the sleeve of his long gray nightshirt before pausing and almost delicately sliding the thin metal spike beneath the skin at his elbow and injecting the milky fluid.
The liquid gathered in a bubble beneath Snape's pale, almost translucent skin before slowly diffusing into the scarred vein. A bruise began darkening his forearm where the blood leaked from the punctured vein.
*********
A faint tug accompanied the spell Pomfrey cast, and Snape's eyes opened slightly to view the too bright infirmary. His body ached unbearably, and he could barely breathe through his running nose. With an effort he managed to sit up, wincing as his stiff shoulder screamed at him. Hadn't he left the infirmary already?
He squinted his watering eyes and the blurry outlines of at least three figures coalesced out of the blinding brightness. Disoriented, he tried to - there. The glint of light on glass, the glitter of a needle. A desperate bloom of thirst almost burst his chest and he could feel his mouth begin to salivate. He tried to move forward, but his body refused to listen. If only... "Give -"
The figures swirled around each other before the syringe was within reach. Without conscious thought he snatched it out of the air, ripped at his sleeve, and slid the needle under his skin.
His stomach dropped with disappointment when he realized it was a relatively weak solution - enough to banish the withdrawal symptoms, clear up his sinuses, and enable him to function, but not enough to push him over the edge into blissful emptiness. He shuddered slightly as the drug slid quietly into his brain, soothing his aching body and clearing his head.
This was enough to get him up and moving: he'd have to find something stronger later. A movement caught his eye and he jerked his gaze up to see the werewolf's face resolve out of the light. A wave of shame at his weakness and anger at the beast for seeing it crashed against the numbing barrier thrown up by the drug.
*********
"Something catch your interest, Lupin?" Snape hissed, and Remus tore his eyes off Snape's arm. The gaunt wizard glared blackly at him before blinking several times and closing his eyes. A slight smile curled the corners of his thin mouth as the sharp planes of his face eased.
Remus' head buzzed with a queasy repulsion, and he had to turn away. Pomfrey tutted at the now slack Snape and took the syringe.
"Severus Snape, if you ever presume to snatch medical equipment from me again, I shall give you the wrong medicine," Pomfrey huffed. Remus looked from her to Snape to Dumbledore in shocked surprise.
"So you're just - just going to give it to him?! I thought you were going to bloody heal him!" Remus spluttered.
"Since when do I need someone to heal me?" Remus spun around to see Snape's head emerge from the depths of a black robe. Long, slender hands reached under the cot and pulled out two scuffed leather boots.
"Snape?!"
"No, it's Merlin himself, in the flesh. Get out of my way, Lupin."
"B-b-but -"
"Your eloquence astounds me, as usual," Snape muttered as he finished tying his boots.
*********
"One moment, Headmaster. I need to discuss something with Professor Snape. Severus, please come with me." Pomfrey half led, half dragged Snape into the little office at the far end of the infirmary.
Remus turned to face Dumbledore, who merely shrugged.
"I am not staying in the infirmary!" A crash reverberated dully from the office. "There is nothing the bloody hell wrong with my liver! Wouldn't you just love that, a chance to lord it over me for days at a time, you bloody hypochondriac!"
Remus reached the door to the office in time to see Snape shake off Pomfrey's restraining hand. His face was pale except for two lurid points of red high on his cheekbones, and his eyes shifted nervily. "Don't tell me to bloody well watch my language, there are no students around and I am a master of this school!" He growled, glaring blackly.
"Then why don't you act like one, *Professor Snape*?!" Came Pomfrey's shrill retort. "Taking all manner of illicit drugs, drinking until you must pass out -"
"What nonsense are you babbling about, woman?! Why the Headmaster ever hired such a quack..." Snape's voice had degraded to a venomous hiss and he refused to meet the mediwitch's eyes. He rubbed listlessly at the bridge of his nose.
"Are you calling my professional capabilities into question, young man?! Even you might show some gratitude towards the person who just saved your life-!"
Remus followed Dumbledore into the office where the old wizard's presence immediately stilled his staff members' bickering. After a moment of silence, Pomfrey turned to face the Headmaster.
"He won't take the bezoar elixir! He refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with him! You wake me up in the middle of the night at my sister's home and drag me all the way back here to treat *that man*, and he refuses to let me help him!" Pomfrey's face was beet red, her eyes wide and wisps of her hair were beginning to escape from her wimple.
Dumbledore held up a placating hand. "Severus, it would be best to do as Poppy says." Snape twitched and his face flushed hotly, a muscle jumping in his jaw, and Remus was painfully reminded of Snape's earlier aggression. The remembered reek of violence stung the back of his throat and he felt a wave of dizziness.
With a dark, resentful glare shot at the Headmaster, Snape snatched the vial off Pomfrey's desk and stormed out of the room. Remus flinched as the doors to the infirmary slammed shut with a reverberating bang.
"Uh -" Remus cleared his throat. Dumbledore regarded him over his gold framed spectacles.
"The best medicine at this point is a listening ear, Remus. Please inform Severus that, when he is ready, I will hear his report."
Frustrated, Remus tried to sort out his thoughts. "How is any of this helping? How are we going to - to fix all this? You don't seem to be doing anything, Snape isn't cooperating with your versamentus scheme, I have my ::own:: things to do, I haven't even had a proper night's sleep in a week, for Merlin's sake!" He felt as if he was fraying at the edges, his convictions unraveling as he realized that Dumbledore and Pomfrey were feeling their way as blindly as he was. The warm weight of Dumbledore's hand rested lightly on his shoulder.
"Severus has a great many wounds, and he tries to care for them the only way he knows how. Please - speak with him."
Remus fought the urge to shrug the hand from his shoulder and run back to Grimmauld Place, crawl into bed, and sleep for a week - and hopefully wake up to find out that this whole situation was a construct of his tired mind. "Fine. I'll go find him and try to talk to him."
*********
"Severus?" Remus reached the top of the Astronomy tower, panting slightly from the long climb. The Observatory at the top was dimly lit by the cloudy late afternoon sky, washing the stones in a dusty rose. Remus' wand had indicated that Snape was up here, for whatever unfathomable reason.
Glancing about the broad tower top, he caught sight of a black clad figure shrouded in musty blue shadow.
"Who were you going to kill, Severus?" Remus was as surprised by the question that tumbled past his lips. He had only intended to ask why Snape was in the Astronomy tower. In the shadows, Snape's face drained of color, black eyes widening before honing to a narrow obsidian blade.
"Wouldn't you like to know," His sneer was only ruined by a subtle shaking. A moment later his expression shattered and he laughed sharply. "I suppose it's too bad I already killed him, eh?"
Remus blinked. He had the same vertiginous feeling that swamped him before a Change, the feeling of his reality altering itself. "You - you killed -? Who...?" He cleared his throat. "Who did you kill, Snape?" His voice was quiet, but rage coursed through his blood. Snape had always made a point of accusing *him* of being a murderous monster. ::He also accused me of being dirt poor, when he was likely worse off financially than I was,:: a soft voice reminded him. A piece of the puzzle that was Snape fell into place with a muffled click.
Snape's eyes glittered malevolently in the shadows. He seemed to be scrutinizing Remus, his sharp gaze traveling over Remus' face. Finally, as if coming to a decision, he looked away.
"My father. And others, but I was thinking of my father." The words were quiet, but inflected with bitterness. Remus felt the world tilt beneath him, the strange feeling of stepping forward and finding only air where earth once was. Sensing Remus' shock, Snape chuckled mirthlessly. "How can you be so naive, Lupin?" Snape sneered. "What did you think I did as a follower of the Dark Lord, take tea and scones? Fox hunts, perhaps? It was - is - a *war*, Lupin."
"But - but -"
"No 'but's, Lupin. Now go away and leave me in peace." Snape turned away, and Remus growled in anger.
"Snape! I'm talking to you!" With effort he forced himself to take a deep breath. Anger never solved anything. "Snape, why did you kill your father?"
"Why are you still here?" Snape's voice was dismissive and he raised something to his lips.
"Because I want to know. Because you're going to tell me."
Snape laughed. "Or what?"
"Or I'll do to you what you did to me." Remus forced the words past his recalcitrant jaw and hoped that Snape hadn't seen the effort they had taken to say.
"You wouldn't."
"Why not?"
"You need me to make the Wolfsbane. I am quite capable of... making a mistake. It *is* a very complicated potion."
The air between them hissed and crackled with tension. ::I'm standing up here arguing with a homicidal drug addict,:: Remus thought dazedly. ::Thank Merlin Dumbledore still has his wand.:: Snape again lifted something to his mouth.
"Hell, Snape, are you drinking?!" He winced at the slightly manic taste of his words. "Do you ever bloody stop? No wonder -" He stopped with a strangled yelp as Snape surged to his feet and grabbed the front of Remus' robes. He was shorter than Remus by a good two or three inches, but managed to loom heavily over him. The scent of hard liquor tingled and burned in Remus' nose as Snape exhaled sharply.
"You don't understand, do you, Lupin? You had a family that gave a damn about you. You had your stinking, arrogant bastard friends of yours. You were kept safe and protected as a student. You even had a bloody home to go to when you weren't at school!" The hiss rose to a screech at this last, and Snape panted harshly before abruptly letting go and slumping back against the darkening wall. The sun was quietly leaking out of the sky as dusk approached, but enough light remained to glint off of the bottle in Snape's hand.
Remus forced himself to breathe before sinking to his knees and leaning back against the wall beside the thin, dark haired man. "My family wasn't all that great, you know. After I was Bitten, they sort of kept their distance. Nice enough, but not overly demonstrative." He paused. "Where did your family live?"
He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw Snape blush in the fading light before taking a long swig off of the bottle. It went down his throat like water. The sight made Remus slightly queasy, but he remained seated and didn't say a word.
"You aren't going to leave me in peace, are you?" Snape sighed. It was more of a statement than a question.
"No, I'm not." Remus felt as if he was within reaching distance of the answer. What it was the answer to, he wasn't sure.
"And Dumbledore is going to make me switch -" he made the word sound obscene- "bodies with you if I don't. Typical. He thinks 'friendship' and 'communication' will solve all the world's ills." He paused, contemplating the small, flat bottle in his hand before tossing back another gulp. "If I talk to you, do not allow him to perform the versamentus curse."
Remus felt surprise flower in his chest. Snape had seen what Remus hadn't - Dumbledore knew the threat of the curse would likely be enough to open Snape up. He gritted his teeth, but again didn't comment beyond nodding his head. "What's in that bottle?"
Snape smirked. "Gin. And some licorice oil." He handed it to Remus, who took a cautious sniff. He could almost see the thick fumes wafting from the bottleneck. With a glance at Snape, he lifted it to his mouth and almost gagged as the sluggish fire burst in his mouth.
With great effort he swallowed a mouthful, feeling it trace a harsh path from his mouth to his stomach, where it sat heavily. Through streaming eyes he saw Snape smirk in amusement at him before taking the bottle back and deliberately wiping the top on his sleeve, but Remus was too busy trying to catch his breath to take much note of the gesture. They both remained leaning against the smooth, cool stone wall, watching the day fade and the soft dusky gloom of impending night creep from the growing shadows.
When the first star glimmered through the lavender haze of the darkening summer sky, Remus quietly stood and descended the long stairway back down to the main castle. The torches were beginning to flare to life as he grabbed a handful of floo powder. "Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place."
It wasn't until he had blown out the last candle and was drifting to sleep that he realized Snape had not only managed to avoid saying anything of substance, but had also gotten him to agree not to go through with the Versamentus curse. ::No wonder he's such a good spy,:: he thought ruefully as he drifted to sleep.