Disclaimer: The characters in Blue Heelers do not belong to me, the are the property of their creators, the Seven Network etc etc

Okay I had to write this as I have always loved the character of Ben Stewart and while I have know idea if he is going to pull the trigger or not (I'd hope not but knowing the script writers and everything that has happened to Ben in the past it is possible) My girlfriend said I should post it to Fan Fiction so here goes nothing.

It's told from Ben's POV

I'm a failure, I guess I've always known it but now it's been confirmed, Ben Stewart is a complete and utter failure. A failure as a father, a failure in love, a failure in life and a complete and utter failure at my job which Tom has just confirmed in no uncertain terms and he has made clear that there there is no future for me here at Mt. Thomas and I doubt there is any future for me full stop.

Alright you think know what you're thinking, you're thinking that I'm feeling sorry for myself. Yes I got my arse chewed out by the boss and now I'm just licking my wounds but I can tell you that it is far more then that. I have nothing left to go on for, I have never been at such low ebb and as I look at my glock service pistol I think about how easy it would be to just end all the pain now. With this thought I press the cold steel against my temple and slowly start to squeeze the trigger but my hand is shaking and I can't stop thinking about that night at the Imperial when Susie told me it was over and I could tell that she loved Jonesy and Oh God what a fool I made of myself acting like a love lorn teenager, all my colleagues probably snickering away behind my back.

Then I start to think about my kids and I look at their photo and I realise that if I pull this trigger the ever lasting memory they'll have of their old man. My ex and Frank, their step father will tell them that I was weak, a coward and maybe I am but everyone has a breaking point and God help me so do I. I mean if truth be told there have been very few happy times for me in the last six years. There was getting busted from detective Sergeant to uniform senior constable for something that wasn't really my fault and then the transfer to Mt Thomas, the break up of my marriage, more failed relationships then I care to count, my spiral into alcoholism, burning down PJ's home and almost getting him and Jo killed and Jo... Oh God Jo.. If I'd been a half way reasonable man then Jo would not have been at the station the day that poor bloody Clancy found that booby trap backpack. Oh God.. The gun drops from my grasp and I reach for my note book, I can't simply end it all without explanation. I owe it to my kids to tell them that this isn't their fault that they must never blame themselves for what I am about to do.

And yet I know that they will live with the legacy that their father killed himself, that he was weak and couldn't rise above these problems that pressed down so hard on him. Yet I have to ask the question of all who will judge me for this final act, how many times does a man have to be beaten down? Knocked down? Have his heart trampled on? before he can take no more punishment. I know the answer to that all too well and as I put aside my note book, I get out of the car and walk a short distance from the vehicle. I've have the photo of my children into my hand and their faces will be the last earthly thing that I see.

Finding a spot beneath a tree I take a deep breath and prepare myself for this last act. They say that suicides never get to heaven but I never really believed in all that religion business and nothing could be as bad as the hell on earth that my life has become. So with a trembling hand holding the cold muzzle of my service piece firmly against my temple I slowly start to pull the trigger and yet I can't. I just can't and I don't know what is stopping me but I can't even kill myself, I'm even a failure at that. The gun clatters to the ground and I slowly slide down the tree with hot tears streaming down my face. I am a failure and picking up the gun yet again I am determined that this time I will not fail, I just have to find the strength to do this deed before one of the others can find me and stop me. I can't fail again, I just can't fail again.