Chapter Eight: Evelyn

When I was a little girl I had a fantasy - as most little girls do, I think - of a knight in shining armour riding to my rescue on a white horse.

The reality was that the knight came, not in armour, but in a dusty, battered shirt; and instead of a gallant steed, he had a bad-tempered camel. Admittedly, he was only there because I did, in effect, buy him. But he was still my knight. And he did rescue me.

My itinerant knight of the desert sands.

When did I fall in love with Rick O'Connell?

Was it when I realised that he would fight against a demonic priest and a street-full of his supporters, just to protect me? Or was it when he was standing at the quayside, looking so amused because he knew I had just been insulting him? Love at second sight, perhaps?

Or was it from the first, when I saw a pair of intensely blue eyes staring out at me from that cage of misery? Somehow, that was the moment when my life started making sense to me, when I truly started to live.

Have you ever had the feeling, when you've found something again that was once very dear to you but after so many years of separation you are no longer aware of feeling its absence, until finding it again reminds you of that feeling of loss, which has become a part of you? But when you rediscover it, you know it and think, 'Yes, this is what it feels like to be complete.'

That was how I felt when I met him, but I think that it took me a few days to realise it. I had no name for the feeling.

I used to think that love was something gentle and sweet, full of birdsong and flowers, but it isn't. It tears you apart and then rebuilds you again, but with someone else as part of you. It burns and hurts and destroys everything you have ever known about yourself. But then you become this other person - the better, stronger person you always wanted to be.

Did you know that love was like that, Rick?

Did you know it was so strong and terrible and beautiful?

I was brought up to believe in a kind and just God, but sort of God would bring us together, only to do this?

And Jonathan...

What do I do in a world that doesn't have you in it? All you ever wanted was fun and the possibility of love. You tried to take care of me: you weren't very good at it, but you tried the best you could. I loved you for that. Even if you hadn't tried, I still would have loved you anyway.

Do you remember how we used to play when we were children? We'd take the broken bricks from where the garden wall had fallen down and build pyramids. An entire Egyptian city in the flowerbed. Our own tiny kingdom and we would take it in turns to be pharaoh.

That was the way it was; we were always together.

And then we were going to be a family of three: you, Rick and I.

Oh, I know you made jokes when I told you about the house where we'd all live, but I could see that you were pleased.

It's funny; it never occurred to me that Rick would need you to be a part of our family as much as I do. As I did.

Oh God, give them back to me and I will do anything, anything, anything...

Rick, what would you do?

You'd kill them, wouldn't you? With every weapon available; and if there weren't any, you would use your bare hands. I can't do that. I don't know how. Maybe I should find another book and another curse and send him to the hell he deserves to be in.

Why did you make me stronger? I wish I could be weak again. Because it would be easier just to give in, to let this overwhelm me until I couldn't think or feel anymore. But I can't. This pain is nearly unbearable, but I am still standing. You are the strongest person I know ... I knew... And it made me find a strength in myself I didn't know was there. But now I need you more than ever and you aren't here.

You swore you would never leave me, Rick; and I don't think I can do this on my own.

I don't want to.

I can't.

I won't.

I have made a decision.

And it is this: I refuse to accept it.

I refuse to believe that they are dead. An animated mummy, the plagues of Egypt, legions of the undead and a plane-crash in the desert could not destroy them - I do not accept that they are dead now. Until I have seen the evidence with my own eyes, I will not believe it.

I will not grieve. I will not give them - give him - the satisfaction of seeing me cry, of seeing my weakness, of seeing me break.

I have to believe in both of you, because it is the only way I am able to believe in myself.

I will come through this, I will survive and I will not submit.