Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy or Angel never will …so don't assume otherwise.

Timeline: after the end of this season of both shows.  6/3.

A/N: I know that I have been out for a while and that some of you are waiting for me to finish my other stories and here I am starting with another …I promise to resume the others as soon as my PC is back online.  So I hope you enjoy!!! @_@

Welcoming Death:

"Angel and Cordy are so good together.  I mean she has really turn him into a different guy.  I mean he smiles and laughs and even tell jokes, you would not recognize him"

 It angers me to hear that.  Why? Why did it have to happen this way? I mean I know I am being selfish when I say that, but I have to.  I have to let it out.  " Why her and not me?" " what did she have that I did not to make him be by her side and not by my side.  They proclaimed her a warrior and I have to admit maybe in some twisted way she has become one.  But why did he have to fall for her? Why now that I finally had the courage to face the fact that I loved him still and that I wanted to tell him that I was wrong, that I did not want normal if that meant that I could not have him.  I had lived in the light and sunshine that he had wanted me to be in, but nothing was the same if he was not by my side, if I could not share it with him. My champion. My love.  With him I did not have to be the strong one, I could be weak.  I wasn't Buffy the Vampire Slayer I was just Buffy.  In his arms, I could forget that they were things that went bump in the night and it was okay to feel and smile with no pretense.  But no!! I am not going to get the chance at love.  The Powers gave him someone else, A girl that I cannot hate, that I cannot despise because she did not ask for it.  It just happened. I can only hate myself, my stubbornness and that little voice inside of me that came too late.

            Now here I am sitting on a stool in my kitchen hearing my friends tell me how great Cordy and Angel are together.  How happy they looked and that how much they are disappointed I had not come to their party.  I give them all a fake smile. I am use to doing that.  They don't need to know that I am in pain.  That I cannot believe that Angel was really gone from my life that he had moved on and that he could be happy without me.  " Stop being selfish" cries that little voice inside me.

"I am happy for them" I say to my so-called friends. Who am I kidding? only me, I am devastated.  Cordy is a warrior for the Powers of Good or whatever their names is, and she helps Angel, and they are in love. IN LOVE.  They are getting married …Hand fasted.  Or whatever that is.  But right now all that is registering is that it is not me.  That it was not me who got him to smile, that got him to be more human.  I was not part of his life and that I will never be.

I look at my friends and how happy they seem.  Xander is holding Willow's hand.  They are smiling at one another oblivious to the fact that I am raging inside but that does not surprise me. It would not be the first time. They are completing each other sentences.  They don't know it yet but they are falling for each other.  And I envy them for a few seconds.  And as usual I don't let them now what I am thinking instead I smile at them nodding as if I hear what there are talking about.  I am to wrap up in my sorrow to listen …Wrapped up in appearing cheerful and happy to the rest of the world. 

            I don't even notice when they take their leave.  All I know that darkness has come, and I am still sitting on the stool.  I don't have enough stamina to go turn on the light.  I am just sitting there wallowed in my self-pity. 

            I have nothing. Dawn is at a friend for the weekend, so I am all alone. Alone as usual.  I am the slayer, a killer. And I am all by myself.  Spike is gone to discover himself and I am here sitting finally having realized that I have lost the one thing I thought would be permanent.  I thought that no matter what we would be together or at least I never let myself think about it .

            I finally decide to go up to my room, a shrine to my youth, my life, a place where I use to dream of a future with a certain vampire.  It will never happen.  I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling.  My cheeks are wet.  Oh treacherous body of mine! I am crying.  I don't even remember how it started. But all I can think of is he.  Oh Angel, Why? What does she have that I don't? Why her? Why not me? It sounds so silly in my head those complaints. I am an adult and here I am crying like a baby over something that probably was never meant to be.

            " Than why give me hopes, said a little voice in my head, why give me hope that we could be, why send me dreams of us together eating ice cream, making love, smiling, sparring together if it was all futile, irrelevant, Why keep me hoping?" 

            I am tired of this.  I am tired of regretting, of not saying anything of keeping everything all walled up inside of me.  It is time that I tell them how unfair this is.  But life is never fair.  I never asked to be a slayer but I became one, I never asked to be alone but it seems that it is all I will ever be: Because the Powers said so.  The Powers had decided to make me their warrior, they had decided to send Angel as a guide to me, They had decided that I should send him to hell, and than I would have him comeback to me only for short while, they had decided to keep us apart on different quest and now they had decided to get a new Champion, a new girl, and this one he was allowed to love.  They had decided that Angel and I were not meant to be, that we were not good together.   " WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY ARE!!!!" I am startled by my one voice.  I did not think I was talking out loud, but no one is here to listen to my tirade anyway, and talking about this is making me feel good, better than I have felt in months.   I know what I have to do.  I have to go to the Powers and stop this. I want to have another chance with Angel; I want to be with him at least on more time.  I don't care if he has a son and that he is in love and happy with Cordelia, I want my turn of happiness. I want to be with my Angel!!!

                        ***

            Okay so where is this getting me, I am in my car heading towards, driving in LA. I don't have a plan, am I going to bust in their apartment and tell Cordelia to hand over my man.  Do I even have the right? I am breaking up a family because the world is unfair.   No that is so childish.  I am 22 years old not a baby and Angel is not a toy.  He is a person. A person that I have loved since the first day I laid eyes on him.  Could I do that? Destroy a couple because I am having a lapse of judgment. Do that because Buffy wants it.  That is not how the world works I know that.  I can't just take what I want.  I have to earn it! 

            I stopped the car realizing suddenly why I was alone.  Why she had him and not me.  She had earned his love. I had not.  I had taking it for granted.  I had thought of it as my due.  Why not, I was fighting for the Powers, So was Angel, why couldn't we not be together forever.  But as usual Buffy you were wrong and to top it all you had been arrogant enough to think that he was yours and that he belong to you, You had had you r fun with other people thinking that no matter what he would be there.  Well now, poop on you Buffy!  I stifle a small cry.  I need a drink.

            I look around me to see if there is no bar around and I smile when a sign catches my eye.  CARITAS. This place will do.  I get out of my car and walk straight towards the door.  When I enter I can feel the eyes looking at me scanning me, boring into me. Was it my clothes, I gave a glanced down, tight leather pants and black t-shirt.  My favorite slaying clothes, tight and making me look good. Top it all off, I have on an oversized leather jacket, his jacket.  Than I notice that the crowd is very mixed and I don't mean in races.  In all the bars I could have chosen, I had to pick the one full of demons. 

But I am not looking for a fight; I just want to forget that right now I am feeling kind of low. That Queen B is all alone while Queen C has a little family with my man.

            A red eyed, green skinned demon comes up to me smiling. I have seen him before but right now I don't remember when or where.  He looks harmless, don't they all do?  What is he so happy about? Grumpy aren't we, Buffy.  Wow! I just noticed that I have been referring to myself as if I was someone else.  Who knows, maybe there are two Buffys in this body. One that is telling me to get the hell out of here and the other thinking that drinking is a great solution to her problems.

 I have never been one to listen to good Buffy, so I just shrug her away, ignore the Host and ask the bartender to give me the strongest thing he has in the house. The Green skin guy looks at me with disapproval but you know I don't give a f.ck what he thinks.  I tell the bartender that I do not want to see this glass empty than I just drink everything and wait for the bartender to refill it.

            I am to absorbed in my self pity, that I don't even notice the "host" leave my side and go make a phone call in the back, and even if I notice why should I care. I am such a pathetic excuse for a warrior.  "I was killed twice you know.  But I am still here.  And I can't even hold my liquor", I found myself telling the bartender. 

            I know that everyone at the bar is looking at me.  Some must be thinking is that the Slayer we heard so much about.  The one whose name we fear.  She is just some little bit of a woman.  "We could take her, kill her." No Buffy that are your thoughts said that voice inside of me.  Drats you are real bummer says another.

            Than I notice the stage and OH! A karaoke machine! I leave my stool by the bar and stumble more than walk towards the contraption.  I mostly slur to the DJ that I want to sing, "Wherever you will go" by the Calling. The guy nods at me.  I go on stage and let the music fill me.  The thought that I am not that good of a singer races through my mind but who cares.  I wait till the words appear on the screen and I start:

"So lately, I've been wondering
who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go"

As the last word is coming out of my lips the little red-eyed monster picks me up and leads me to the back of the bar. I don't fight him.  I feel exhausted, drained.  The song was too sad.  To true, and I wish I had said to a certain someone, that I would have gone wherever he would go, that I would have made him mine. That without him I was lost and that I had been stupid to let him go, I am such a stubborn girl, no woman and that screw the Powers they were meant to be.  

I am crying again.  Lorne hands me a handkerchief.  I knew he looked familiar to me but I was too occupied being grumpy and drunk Buffy to have noticed.  He was one of Angel's friends.  I notice than that he is talking to me and I try to focus on his words.

" Kitten, you should not drink so much you will self destruct.  Anyway sweetie, I see so much pain in your soul. You have to let it go." 

" Why should he have her and not me? I can't believe I said that out loud.  Is he not a friend of the couple? I remember that he reads Aura's so he know what I am thinking, especially when I have sang. Buffy, you are so stupid.  You came to the wrong bar to make a fool of yourself.

But he just looks at me with kindness or is it pity, I am not sure and all I can think of is running away from that green skinned man who knows how I feel, how I cry because I think the world is unfair.   I want Angel for me.  Lorne knows that I am letting myself act like a teenager instead of the sensible woman that I should have become or that I pretend that I am everyday.  So I get up and run for the exit.  I have made enough of a spectacle of myself. I should go home. In the solitude of my house in Revello drive 

I am half expecting him to stop me.  But he does not.  I am outside breathing fresh air in less than a few seconds.  The air is not as fresh as I would like it.  A bracchen demon is standing in my way fouling the air around me.

"Slayer!!! He hisses.  I really don't need this I think to myself.  But I never get what I want, do I? The Demon standing between my car, and me is about 4 feet taller than me with glistening skin.  He reminds me of a big jellyfish with legs, fangs and claws.  In other words, Butt Ugly!

" Listen Foul mouth, why don't you go your way and I go mine.  I am not in the mood for this." He growls at me and I think that maybe the name calling was not a good idea, but I was never good at thinking, I have always been a woman of action. So I get into fighting stance and I hope that the liquor did not impair my senses to much or that because I am the slayer I am half way towards sobering up. 

"Foul mouth" lunges toward me. I am to slow to evade his huge body so I let myself fall on the floor and push him with my legs and I send him sprawling against the opposite wall.  I smile at myself.  Man I am good.  Sizzling!! Mmh! he ruined my nice boots! "It's not the time to be doing such things Buffy" reprimands my inner voice.  "Focus, go back to slayer mode." 

But I know it's too late.  That little inner talk cost me a few seconds.  I got too cocky, too soon. The bracchen demon was up and he was ready for a fight.  Boy oh boy when will I learn to keep my yap shut? "Never" answered that voice in my head, "it's part of your charm."   Bracchen charged and I jumped to slam my boots in his face but he was anticipating the move.  He swerved hi massive body and backhanded me in the face. 

Next thing I knew I was sprawled on the floor, Blood coming out of my mouth.  Great! Bracchen was coming towards me and I got up as fast as I could.  Which was kind of too slow for my own good.  The Demon was standing in front of me.  He held a sword. Where did that come from?  I rummage threw my pocket and took out my tiny stake.  But the tilt of the sword makes hard contact with my skull.  I shake my head trying to see clearly.  It does not help. 

Is this the end Buffy?  Are you going to die here in front of a bar?  Where you went to get drunk? to forget that the man you love was to be married very soon with someone that was not you.  How pathetic was that.   Very.

" Well at least this time no one will bring you back to the misery that is your life.  But if I go that ugly, stinking, oozing demon is going with me."

So this time I charge him.  I feel the sword pierce my skin but I go on.  That thing is not breathing one more stinking breath if I have anything to say about it.  I don't care if I die, someone else will be here to replace me but that thing who dared attack me during my self pity will see that Buffy is not something to reckon with even drunk.

I fight with everything I got and that thing falls on the floor screeching and I know that the Slayer has done her job once again.  I am also aware of a throbbing pain in my side.  Where his sword had gone threw me.  I let myself fall on the floor.  I am so tired. I close my eyes and welcome the death that I know that is very near.  I have nothing left to fight for. I have fulfilled my duty.

  A/N: Okay so I am a bad writer …Or maybe a bad person but I am trying…I promise to fix it  …