"Hey Malik," Abby said as she sauntered in.
"Morning Abby," he said, briefly looking up from his work.
She headed for the lockers, still yawning with lost sleep.
"Late night?" asked someone from within the room, she turned to see Carter standing by his locker, throwing his coat around his shoulders.
"Ah, yeah," Abby replied, opening her own locker.
"No rest for the wicked, huh," he joked lamely.
She nodded and looked at him strangely, "Yep," she replied, closing her locker and starting out of the room.
"Idiot," he murmured to himself, "Abby, wait," he called, rushing towards her.
She turned to look at him suspiciously, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you in a more...respectful way, I just wasn't thinking," he said honestly.
She smiled up at him, almost laughing at the sincere look on his face, "Carter, it's fine, you obviously had other things on your mind, I'm happy for you. Really." she told him.
He ran a hand through his hair, relieved, "I was just so worried I'd offended you, I know I haven't exactly been terribly subtle or understanding about a lot of things, and you know, you have to tell me when I'm doing something wrong, because I really don't have a clue," he kidded.
"Susan tells you for me. And everyone else. She's like the town crier," she smiled, "So, how's married life treating you?"
He groaned and smiled slyly, "Haven't really experienced that much of it, yet, I'll get back to you on that one,"
"But so far..." she urged.
"So far, so good," he replied confidently.
"And how have you been?" she asked, remembering the incident not so long ago where Carter had come into work drunk.
"Ah, better, I guess, I mean, it's not easy, but...I've been through a lot, I can make it. I've got to," he finished sadly.
"You still going to meetings?" she enquired, knowing that this was a touchy subject for him.
"Yeah, a couple...Kem doesn't really understand why I have to go to them still, now that I'm 'cured', as she puts it," he replied, a weary smile on her face.
"Did you explain, the 'once and addict, always and an addict' thing?" Abby asked.
"Yes and no, she doesn't really know the extent of my addiction, I only mentioned it in passing when trying to explain why I went to the Congo,"
"Ah, think maybe you should tell her?"
"Probably," he smiled, "No way out now, she has to love, honour and obey me,"
Abby snorted, "Yeah, right."
Carter smiled, he opened the door and gestured for her to exit through it, "So what about you, Dr Lockhart?" he asked kindly.
"Urgh, would you not call me that...it gives me the creeps," she joked and he laughed, "and I'm good, not living a double life in the ER anymore, not so exhausted...feel like I've accomplished everything I wanted to do, not smoking, not drinking...it's a good feeling."
"I really am proud of you," he said.
"Thanks, dad" she said.
"That's my girl," he teased and she just rolled her eyes.
"Hey, you two going to do some work?" Frank snapped.
Abby looked Carter, her eyes wearily humoured, "Sure, just as soon as you do Frank,"
"See you around," Carter said, picking up a chart and walking off in the other direction.
"I see you two made up," Susan said, veering from around the corner.
"Yeah, I didn't know you were on today," Abby asked, confused.
"Morris called in sick again, it's only a split shift," she said, shrugging her shoulders.
"Somebody ought to tell him about the boy who cried wolf," Abby replied.
"Or we could just set a wolf on him," Susan suggested with mock innocence.
Abby laughed and grabbed a chart, "At least it's a slow Monday,"
"Yeah."
"Why don't we catch lunch, go to Ike's, its all the rage," Abby recommended.
"Sure, bring our newly married friend along too, I want to make him blush."
Abby laughed, "Sure, okay."
Abby walked off the exam room 2.
"Hello, Mr Lawson, I'm Dr Lockhart, I'll be doing your sutures. Can you tell me what happened?"
"Making lunch this morning, carving up last night's lamb, knife slipped, I guess, hurt's like hell,"
"Well, we'll just give you a local to numb it, are you allergic to any painkillers?"
"Nope,"
"Good, I'll just get started then."
It was a simple procedure, typical of a Monday morning, minor lacerations, kids' faking sick, and too-hard partiers.
She felt content, feeling like she had resolved something with Carter...secretly pleased that he thought about her, that he still required her respect and opinions, and her friendship, it was nice to know that she wasn't redundant in his life, after all, she knew him, and understood him better than anyone else, been through a lot with him. She liked to think she had been there for him, but she knew that wasn't always the case, she knew he could have done so much more for him. At the very least she could have shown her appreciation of his support, it seemed never ending and she had taken it for granted.
But perhaps it had all turned out for the best. His leaving her had motivated her to enrol back in medical school, one of the best decisions of her life, she just hated to think that so much good had come out of so much bad.
She had tried to change herself for him, become a better person; she stopped her smoking, and hadn't even felt the need for a drink in a year, but she had still lost him, possibly one of the best things that ever happened to her. She had desperately sought his approval, though he didn't know it, she had been ashamed to see the disgust in his eyes, but it seemed that it was too little too late.
But at the very least, they could be friends, and maybe that was enough.
She worried about him now, more than ever, she had seen the look of despair and hopelessness on his face after she and Luka had gone to visit him when his son had been born stillborn...at that time, nothing had mattered except him, she knew what it was like to lose a child...but nothing like Carter had experienced, she hadn't wanted her child, Carter had, Carter had wanted this child so bad, and he'd never seen it coming. It must have been the most awful of shocks. She didn't dare to imagine, but she wanted to make him feel better, get through it, cope.
She had been working for almost 4 hours, there had been a couple of cardiac arrests, but nothing too serious or stressing, just enough work to keep her on her feet, preoccupied.
She ran into Carter in X-Ray.
"Hey, Carter, me and Susan are going to grab something for lunch at Ike's, want to join us?" she suggested casually.
"Sure," he looked at his watch, "I have a break in half an hour, that okay?"
"Great, meet you in the ambulance bay," she said, pushing open the door, leaving Carter to study his x-rays.
Half an hour later, Abby and Susan were standing in the ambulance, awaiting their tardy friend, he ran out the doors.
"Sorry, sorry, Mrs Travers wanted a full pelvic exam..."
Susan and Abby laughed, "What was wrong with her?" Abby asked.
"High sex drive," he frowned.
Susan Abby giggled, "Yeah, she's a frequent flyer, I sent her your way, just for fun," Susan admitted.
"Thanks," He grumbled.
"Well, I had to test your faithfulness, throwing a fine catch like Mrs Travers your way..." she teased.
"Can we just go to lunch?" He asked, a blush rising in his cheeks and a shy grin on his face.
Susan stopped laughing hysterically and grabbed Carter's arm, walking towards Ike's. Abby crossed her arms and followed, listening to Susan continue.
"We have to be cruel to kind Carter, this jovial teasing is because we love you,"
"Well, I thankyou for your love, I can see, just how much you care, please don't strain yourself showing your affection for me," he said sarcastically.
"Oh, Carter, I must show you how I feel, however will you know?"
"I'll just have to go with my instincts," he said.
"Don't do that! You'll never get it!"
Abby stood in the background, listening to the cheerful banter, s secret smile on her face.
"Abby, come up here and tell our recently married friend, the benefits of marriage," Susan invited.
"You're asking the wrong person," she said slowly.
"Or maybe the right one..." Susan said cryptically, Carter and Abby looked at each other, confused.
"Come on kids, let's eat, I'm starving!" Susan said, pushing forward into Ike's.
"Is she hyper?" Abby asked.
"Baby thing," Carter observed, Abby looked up at him, bewildered.
"I can say 'baby', I can think about them, hold them and treat them too, Abby, don't worry so much," he said, hoping that he'd kept the bitterness in his tone to a bare minimum.
She nodded and they followed Susan, taking a booth in a dark corner.
"I miss Doc's" Carter commented.
"Hey, we all do, but right now, I don't care, I haven't eaten since yesterday," Susan replied.
Carter and Abby shook their heads, "What?" she asked them incredulously.
"Nothing," they replied at the same time.
Lunch was filled with good conversation, nostalgia for the past, Susan told Abby about the time that Carter did his first full moon, Saturday night, and how afterwards he had requested "Twist and Shout" on the radio, dancing with her and Carol.
"I hope his dancing has improved since then," Susan said dryly.
"Nope, still got two left feet," Abby said, a twinkle in her eye.
"Hey, in my defence..." he started, "no, I've got nothing," he laughed. It felt good to laugh, to think about times that were much simpler, like when the heaviest thing weighing on his mind was if Benton was going to go home ever.
Carter laughed and joked and smiled like he was okay, but he knew that he was just holding on, teetering on the edge of disaster, but he could pretend that his life was fine, that he could see clearly, that he wasn't so confused about himself and his life, his wife...he didn't know if he was doing it right, there weren't any guidelines, not sure if he wasn't just piling mistake upon mistake.
"Oh, damn," Susan said as her baby beeper went off, "I've got to split, my shift ended like 20 minutes ago and I've..." she paused, "got to get home," she finished apologetically, grabbing her things and rushing outside.
"See you guys tomorrow!" she shouted as she exited the room.
Abby and Carter sat there uncomfortably for a while, fixed smiles on their faces.
Carter looked down at his hands, "I wish people would stop being so careful around me," he said tiredly.
"They're just worried," Abby said sympathetically.
"I know, I know they are, I mean, my previous attempts to deal with stress aren't exactly going to assure people, but...I have actually learned from my past," he said softly.
Abby reached her hand across the table, taking his hand in hers, "We all just want to see you through this, everybody in that ER cares about you, and we know you're strong, that you can do this...we just don't want you to do it alone," she said kindly.
Carter intertwined his fingers with her own, staring in to her eyes gratefully. They suddenly noticed the contact and drew away from each other.
"Guess we'd better get back, huh?" Abby said, flustered.
They picked themselves up, walking back to the ER silently, each lost in thought.
Guilt. He felt as if he had betrayed Kem, in that simple act of consolation, he felt somehow that he had betrayed his marriage vows.
He buried his face in his hands, sitting on the couch, took a deep breath and swallowed.
It was nothing; she just wanted to be kind, just wanted to help, a friendly gesture that had sent him spiralling.
Perhaps it was just a consequence of his fractured state, yeah, that must be it: his confusion was stemming from his pain, his grasp on reality seemingly slipping away, he was reaching for something to hold on to and Abby's touch was so familiar and comfortable to him that for a moment he had been lost.
Yeah. That was it.
Tiredly he went upstairs, crawling into bed with his wife, trying to push away the nagging feeling that he'd done something wrong.
His arms wrapped around Kem, he assured himself that this was the woman he loved. He would not betray her; he loved her. They had been through so much together, lost so much together and he needed her. She needed him.
It was just a moment, a millisecond of weakness, and he swore he would not feel it again.
Abby didn't know what to think, didn't know if what she'd felt had been feigned, a figment of her over-hyped imagination.
She had felt awkward and uncomfortable, flustered and embarrassed, knowing that something had been crossed...even if it had only been in her mind. He was a married man, she reminded herself and as much as she missed him, missed being with him...she was her own woman and she had to accept that he was married, that he didn't love her anymore, that anything she might have felt, was residual, from an unresolved break up, that was all.
She was tired of regret, she had so much going for her that there was no point wasting on her past. No time for self pity, it would be hard, but it seemed to be the story of her life, she would get over it.
2 months passed, 2 months of polite, inconsequential words, they remained acquaintances, friends in each other's blind spots, and it was killing them, it was hard to keep a charade for so long. But they did it, every day they worked side-by-side, restrained, talking but never listening.
Until one day in April...