Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.. I'm just invading the world. Also, this is AU, so.. Don't sue me for that.
You're Gone....?
It's a bright and sunny day, no clouds marring the perfect blue of the sky, but it's not right. You can't be laying there, still and cold inside that casket. You can't be dead - not the one who gave me everything when I gave you nothing in return, ignored you, pushed you away. Why did I do it? I.. don't know anymore. I don't even know why I'm here, right now. I don't want to see it proven, driven home as sharply as one of those nails on that perfectly shaped and colored coffin that you're lying in; don't want to break down and cry in front of people I don't know. But I will. Because I broke your heart. I drove you to this. And I.. I was too cowardly to tell you the one thing that could've kept you here. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen.
I watch as they lower you into the ground. I'm as still as a statue even if someone wasn't holding onto my arm, telling me not to make a scene. I couldn't if I wanted to. And, God, how I want to. I want to shriek and scream, rail to the skies, tell everyone that you're not really dead. That any moment you'll walk around the corner, laughing, your long braid shining in the sunlight as you pat yourself on the back for fooling us all. I want to throw myself on top of your coffin, join you in death.
You gave me everything you had. I never deserved that, not from you. You were too innocent, too pure, too full of laughter and a love of life for the likes of me. Dammit! It should be me down there, in that dark coffin. I'm the one that deserves death. But you're the one that's dead. Because of me.
Everyone else keeps telling me it's not my fault, that it was your choice and that I couldn't've stopped you. But it was my fault, and I, I did nothing to stop you when I could have, could've kept you alive. That makes me a murderer, I guess, but it's no less than I deserve. I couldn't stop you, couldn't save you. I'm sorry.
Shovel-full after shovel-full of dirt rains down on your casket, obscuring the wood, making it somehow more final that you're gone, that I won't see you anymore. I fall to my knees, digging my hands into the ground as one tear after another trickles down my face. Funny how, before you, I'd never cry. But now I cry; I'm not ashamed of it. No, I'm only ashamed that I never told you how much you meant to me. I sit back on my heels, hands buried in my hair, as I cry, eyes squeezed shut. I don't want to see you covered in dirt, don't want you gone. I want you back, want to feel you, want to say I'm sorry. All those cruel words I ever said - I never meant them. I promise you this, I never meant them!
As I cry, my mind is inexorably drawn back to that night. You'd called me, asking me to come over, "just for a talk." So I came over, couldn't quell the nagging sensation of something being off in your voice. I knocked on the door, waiting, a bit impatient. When I didn't hear you answer, I tried the knob, and my heart jumped into my throat when it turned and the door opened smoothly.
I called your name, but didn't hear a response, so I moved inside. I heard noise from the bathroom, and moved towards it, driven by something telling me that you were hurt. I remember stopping in the doorway, seeing you sitting there on the floor surrounded by a pool of blood. Your wrists were slashed, and bleeding sluggishly, and there was a knife next to you. I'm not sure what I did, but I remember catching you as you fell, careless of the blood staining my pants.
You choked out my name, your voice
frighteningly weak. I franticly tried to bind your wrists while
ranting at you.
"Baka!" I remember saying. "Why did
you do this you baka?"
"If I continue to live," you
answered, eyes growing distant, "I'll only be in the way. I
don't want to cause you pain."
I could tell that each
syllable was causing you pain, the way they forced themselves from
your lips, frighteningly accompanied by a small burble of blood. I
felt your life fading as I held you close, and whispered, "But
why?!"
"Because..." You mustered up one last smile,
so different from your normal cherry, teasing smile. "I love
you.."
I gaped at you as you whispered my name again, then shook you franticly as your eyes slid closed and a last shuddering breath left you. "No.. No, no, no, no!" I ranted as I held you close, your body still and lifeless as, for the first time in years, I cried. Apologies and pleas tumbled into you blood stained braid, asking, begging, telling you to come back to me. That I loved you too, that you couldn't leave me like this.
But you did.
And, God, it still hurts. It's been two weeks, and I just can't stop hoping that it's all a cruel joke, that you're waiting around the corner for me, with your laughing, angelic smile. I'm still sitting here crying; I can't stop. I guess I finally realized that you're gone, and won't be back. Why, of all the ways to tell me how you felt, why did you have to tell me like that? I wouldn't have turned you away if you'd cornered me and told me straight to my face, "I love you."
But you thought you'd be in the way. Of what? Relena and I? There's nothing between us. Never was, never will be. Damn you, my heart's buried in that grave with you.
But....
That's just as much my fault as yours. I'm sorry. God, I've been saying that so much lately, but I can't think of anything else to say, to do, that will tell you how much I regret being a cold, sanctimonious bastard towards you. How much I'll regret that until the day I die. I suppose you're up there in Heaven right now, watching me, maybe even shedding a few tears. Don't cry for me; cry for us, for what never was, what will never be because of my stupidity.
I keep bashing myself. You'd probably tell me to stop it, that it's your job, anyway. But I can't help it, really, I can't. What, exactly, am I supposed to do without you? I didn't realize until too late how much you meant to me. I...
God, what I wouldn't give to hear your voice mocking me right now! I rock back and forth, ever so slowly, hands still buried in my hair as I stare at the dark brown dirt covering your body. I've stopped crying, for now, anyway. But I know that I won't ever be the same again. I don't want to be the same. Nothing will be the same without you.
Slowly, slowly, I pull my pocketknife out of my pocket, and flick it open, admiring the way the blade shines and winks in the bright sunshine. I push myself to my feet, and walk unsteadily towards your grave, pocketknife held tightly in one hand. I stand over the dark earth, breathing slowly, letting scenes of you flash through my mind. Slowly, I extend my wrist, holding it over the earth, and bring the blade up, hesitating a slow moment. I steel myself, and slash down, leaving a gash leaking bright blood onto the earth. I watch it flow in silent fascination, ignoring my - our - friends horrified, startled gasps behind me.
Finally, I take out the bandage I brought, and begin wrapping it around my wrist, staunching the bloodflow even as the blood on the ground spreads a little before soaking into the earth.
"That's for you," I whisper, voice breathy on the still air. I back away, stopping only when a hand touches my arm.
"Heero."
I turn to face the owner of the voice, his blonde hair and pale, innocent blue eyes reminding me of you, though you look nothing alike. I let my eyes do the talking, and he seems to understand.
"We should go," he says quietly. I glance at your grave again, then nod reluctantly. I wait for the others to go first, trailing slowly after them. I pause, and glance back again. I imagine that I see you there, with angel wings and all, and smile. An untouchable angel is what you are now.
"I'll be back," I whisper then continue walking after I see the angel you nod, that tiger-like smile on your face, warming me when I've been so cold since you bled to death in my arms. I look to the sky, though the blue is dim. All I can see clearly is your face, smiling at me, whispering your own apologies in response to all of mine. I don't want to come back to the real world, not yet. I'm.. not happy, I suppose, but satisfied that you can see me from up there.
Oh. One more thing before I go. I love you, Duo Maxwell. I always will. I hope you can hear that over the distance, because.. Well, because I never got to say it while we were both alive. I'll remember to say it when I move on, and we meet again. But until then... Your home is in my heart, and the door is always open.
---------------------------------------------------
Well. There's an experiment in first person-present tense writing. And, also, my first foray into Gundam Wing fanfiction. I hope I didn't bungle it too badly, since I haven't watched any of it in over 3 years (and what I did watch then was the randomly caught episode while waiting for DBZ to come on), and I'm going off of all the fanfiction I've read. Thank my tsuin-chan for getting me addicted to 1X2 pairings, lol!
Hope you enjoyed... Dunno what I'll do with flames, but.. I'll think of something creative.
--Myuu