Gordie walked back to his room, seriously confused. Something was seriously bothering Chris. But it wasn't what he had been thinking…that much he knew. Chris hadn't seemed mad or annoyed or anything like that, just…sad. Gordie sat on his bed for a few minutes, thinking to himself. Suddenly, he had a thought…what if Chris was having insecurities similar to the ones he had been having! He was probably just wondering where they stood or something. Yeah, that was it…after all, they hadn't ever actually said they were going out. Suddenly, his words from earlier popped into his head.
"Fuck!" Gordie shouted, shooting off his bed.
'Why do I have to be such an asshole?' Gordie thought as he plopped back onto his bed, running an aggravated hand through his hair. It seemed like he just kept on screwing up lately. He didn't know how Chris put up with him, he would have kicked his ass by now. Everything would be fine. It always was with Chris. He'd talk to him and make sure he understood how much he cared for him. Gordie turned off the light and got in bed, telling himself one more time that everything would be okay.
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Gordie, not very surprisingly, had trouble sleeping that night. He kept seeing that sad, resigned look on Chris' face. Finally, a little after dawn, he gave up and decided to get some air. He crawled through his window like he had so many nights before, knowing that his parents wouldn't notice he was gone. He started walking, with no particular place in mind. He ended up at the park and walked around for a little while, then decided to go to the tree house and read a couple of magazines.
When he got there, he was surprised to see someone curled up in one of the chairs, asleep. He immediately knew it was Chris, and was trying to decide if he should wake him and ask him what he was doing there or just leave when he noticed for the first time that Chris' eyes were open slightly, and he was staring at him, wide awake.
"Shit" Chris said, and, knowing he was caught, straightened up and continued to stare at him.
"Hi yourself" Gordie said with a half-smile, knowing neither felt like laughing.
"Why are you here?" Chris asked, never one to beat around the bush.
"Couldn't sleep" Gordie said honestly.
Chris pursed his lips a little and nodded, looking to the side "Me neither".
"What's wrong, Chris?" Gordie asked.
"I just didn't feel like dealing with my dad tonight, and besides, its nice outside" Chris said, pretending to misunderstand.
Gordie bit his lip and nodded his head briefly "Okay, that's cool, I should probably go first anyway…I'm sorry I'm such an asshole."
"What" Chris asked incredulously.
"Just in general. Every time we get into a fight I say whatever I know will hurt the most, and its wrong, and I'm sorry. I swear I didn't mean what I said earlier…I know I've been weird throughout this whole relationship…if that's even what you'd call it. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a little freaked out when I first found out how you feel, but that was just an automatic reaction, a product of our surroundings, so to say." Gordie said, walking over to Chris and taking a deep breath, getting ready. "Anyways, once I actually sat down and thought about it…I realized just how much sense it made. I've always cared about you more than somebody does a friend. I mean, you've never been just a friend to me, its like we're a pair of feet. We both have to bare a lot of weight, more than we could ever hold up on our own. But we are never alone, the other one is always there, taking half the burden, and whenever I have to take a really hard step, you're there to carry me, and the next step, I'm right there waiting to carry you. If it weren't for you, I'd crumble under the weight of it all. I realized all this and realized it was the most natural thing in the world for us to be together, it doesn't matter that you're not a girl, or that to some people, that might be weird…because you're Chris, and that's all that matters. And then, back there, when I said what I did, and I saw the hurt on your face, even if it was only temporary, and I knew I had put it there, I realized that…I think I lo…"
"Stop!" Chris cut Gordie off in a panicked voice, he shot out of his chair "Gordie…I don't think this is going to work"
"What?" Gordie asked, praying to God that he didn't understand.
"This" Chris said, pointing to himself, then Gordie, then himself, then Gordie again "Us" Chris finished. He stood there for a minute, then crawled down the ladder.
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Gordie lay on the hard wooden floor of the tree house he was beginning to hate with his knees pulled tight to his chest, rocking back and forth. He wished he could cry, he didn't care if it was pussy, it might ease the pain in his chest. But he found that he had no tears, he hurt too much to do anything more than lay there, wishing he would just go ahead and die. It was his fault…he had scared him, gone too far…he shouldn't have tried to say anything about love…Chris didn't believe in that shit…he had seen his Dad hit his Mom too many times. Chris had told Gordie he didn't believe it. Gordie had known that and hadn't even realized he did either, but he had gotten carried away with his words and had hoped that Chris had been affected by them too…but he hadn't been. Things would always be awkward between them now…Chris would never be comfortable around him again. Gordie started feeling nauseous and had to force his frozen legs to function long enough to run to the window. He leaned his head out of it and threw up until he felt completely and utterly empty, then he crumpled on the floor and laid there until he fell into a restless sleep filled with images of a life without Chris.
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Chris lay in his bed, a bloody red gash on his forehead where he had tripped in his rush to get away from Gordie. He thought about the things Gordie had said, about his metaphor. About the fact that he loved him. The thought brought a thick lump of emotion to his throat. Gordie loved him. It wasn't that the fact scared him…quite the opposite. He had always loved Gordie, he just hadn't realized it until that moment in the tree house. And in that moment, he had also realized that it was time for him to grow up and stop being selfish. All his life, Gordie had been Chris' friend, despite what everybody else had thought of him for it. He had never complained about it, and in turn, had made Chris' childhood livable… given him good memories to balance out the bad ones. Chris had always known that it was wrong of him to take Gordie down with him, but he hadn't had the strength to let him go. Knowing that Gordie loved him gave him that strength. Getting teased in school was one thing…and Chris knew it didn't matter to Gordie, he didn't care what they thought, and he knew he was going to get out of Castle Rock and never see them again, and it wouldn't matter. Chris refused to be the reason that didn't happen for him. Nobody would buy books some faggot had written. Chris had dragged Gordie down his entire childhood…he refused to do it in adulthood too. He loved him enough too much to do that to him.
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Monday morning, Chris got to school before Gordie for the second time in his life with a mission in mind. He wandered the halls, looking for someone. He passed multiple people he knew. Vern saw him and ran up to him and started yapping his ear off about his weekend. Chris said things like yeah? and uh huh at the appropriate times, but wasn't really listening. Vern, who did not take hints, just kept on talking happily, not a worry in the world. Suddenly he saw Teddy.
"Hey shithead! What was with you at that party Saturday? When you gonna realize that girls like guys with dicks?" Vern asked, not bothering to say bye to Chris as he walked toward Teddy.
"Shut the fuck up, fatass!" Teddy said in greeting.
"Hey, you see this?" Vern asked, patting his stomach "No fat here!"
"You'll always be fat in your soul, Verno!" Teddy said good-naturedly as he put his arm around Vern's shoulder.
"What? You do realize that you make absolutely no fucking sense, you retard! Don't you" Vern said, raising his eyebrows.
"I'm just so smart that your small brain can't comprehend the meaning of my words" Teddy said, smiling.
"What! You're an idiot!" Vern said, giving Teddy an odd look.
"See what I mean?" Teddy asked.
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Chris didn't even notice that Vern was gone. He had spotted her. "Hey Angy, baby" he said, walking up to her and putting his arm around her shoulder.
"Chris!" Angel exclaimed, pleasantly surprised "How have you been?" she asked as she circled her arms around his waist.
"I'm fine now" Chris said flirtingly.
"I thought you said you were involved" Angel said questioningly.
"Well, I got uninvolved. That okay with you?" Chris asked, and seeing Gordie out of the corner of his eye, pressed her up against the locker with his body, pretending not to see him.
Gordie felt his throat close up and his stomach heave "Chris" Gordie asked involuntarily.
Chris looked back at Gordie reluctantly, and seeing the devastated look on his face, started to let go of Angel and go talk to him.
"CC! What are you doing?!" asked the leader of the trio that had started this whole thing.
"Awww, how sad! Would you look at Fagass' face! I think she's going to cry! Look at this" said the other guy, grabbing Gordie's head in a headlock and pushing his cheeks forward, making his lips pouch out.
Gordie never reacted, just continued to stare at Chris.
"Come on, honey, lets go somewhere more private…its starting to stink" Chris said, walking away with his arm around Angel's shoulders.
"That's right CC, here's the hoop" the girl said, holding her hand up and pointing at the air underneath her hand "Jump, jump…good girl!"
They all laughed at this, and started to walk away, the fun over now that the one who reacted had left "It's Fagpants, dumbass! Jeez" the leader said, bopping the guy on the back of the head.
"Fagpants, Fagass, Fagdance, it's all the same to me" the boy replied with a shrug.
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Gordie stood there in the same spot for a minute, hating his life, then he turned around and slowly walked out the door. There was no way he could get through a whole day with Chris, not yet.
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Chris walked with Angel until he saw a restroom, then excused himself and didn't come out of the bathroom until after the bell had rung. Trying to avoid having to see her any more than possible. He hated having to do this, the expression on Gordie's face had torn his heart out and made him hate himself. He had even had a moment of weakness when he had thought that maybe if he and Gordie talked, that they could work things out. That anything was better than this. But then the trio had showed up and reality had bit him hard in the ass. He had to stop these childish fantasies of Happily Ever-fucking-After. That wasn't the way it was in the real world. In the real world, love didn't exist, because, whenever it started blooming, reality squashed it like a bug. He and Gordie could never be together, that was just the way it was. And the sooner he convinced himself of that, the better off everyone would be.