Although Gordie was very upset that night, by Monday, he had come to the conclusion that everything would be fine. This was a conclusion that took many hours of tossing and turning and many gallons of tears to come to. Chris had just been upset. It wasn't like they would actually stop being friends…come on, that would never happen! He got up and got dressed, feeling marginally better than he had the night before.
When he got to school, however, the first thing that he saw was Chris talking to Angel. Gordie felt his heart turn to lead and drop to his feet, suddenly consumed with dread. He wasn't flirting with her…no, that wouldn't upset him too much, in fact, in his present condition, he'd probably get happy because he knew that Chris still cared enough to want him to be jealous. No, it wasn't flirting, no, it was something much worse…Chris was leaning against the lockers by a hand that he had braced next to Angel's head. He looked relaxed, comfortable, he laughed and Gordie realized that he was actually having a conversation with her…enjoying himself. This upset Gordie more than anything else could have, he could have seen them doing the nasty right there on the floor, and it wouldn't have upset him as much as seeing this display did. He considered turning around and walking right back out the door like he had Friday, then decided that it was about time one of them decided not to take the pussy way out. He walked up to Chris and tapped him on the shoulder.
Chris turned his head, a huge, genuine smile on his face. As soon as he realized who had tapped him, the smile melted and his eyes became shuttered, glossy, and dead. Gordie wanted to cry when he saw this. He had always wanted to be one of the people who put a smile on Chris' face, instead, he was now the thing that killed his smile. Gordie still wasn't clear on what he had done to bring all this on.
"Hi, Chris" Gordie said weakly.
The corners of Chris' lips lifted in a barely perceptible attempt to smile. He looked directly at Gordie and shook his head slowly and sadly, turned around, told Angel that he would see her in third period, then walked down the hall.
Gordie watched Chris walk away, too numb with shock to react. He had been wrong, it wasn't going to just be okay…nothing would ever be okay again…man, fuck that! Chris was upset about something, and being a real bitch about it! Well he could go screw! They were just going to have to have a little conversation, weren't they? Gordie wasn't going to just sit here and let Chris throw their friendship away over some stupid-ass shit!
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Throughout the day, Gordie tried to catch up to Chris and try to talk to him. But Chris was hard as hell to find when he didn't want to be found! It was frustrating as hell, because Chris had never been the one hiding, he had always been the one looking. Whenever Gordie had screwed up in the past, Chris had just…been there when he was ready to talk. Gordie was always the one doing the avoiding…Damn, Gordie suddenly realized just how much he had always taken Chris for granted. Every time Gordie was able to catch up to Chris, he would always ignore whatever Gordie said, then rush away, leaving behind, an increasingly pissed Gordie. It was like this for about two weeks…longer than Gordie had ever not talked to Chris. He had long ago lost count of the number of times he had picked up the phone to automatically ask Chris something, or tell him something, or get him to come over. Anyways, by the end of these two weeks, you can imagine that Gordie has about reached the end of his patience. One day after lunch, Gordie left a couple of minutes early to wait at Chris' locker, which Gordie knew he had to stop by.
"Hey there, stranger" Gordie said cheerfully when he saw Chris. He did not miss the way that Chris squared his shoulders at the sight of him…bracing himself.
"Excuse me" Chris said politely.
Gordie scooted over, avoiding conflict "Chris, we need to talk"
Chris got his math book out of his locker and put his science book in.
"Man, Chris, don't be like this!" Gordie said, stepping away from the locker.
Chris zipped up his book bag.
"Chris, I think I at least deserve to know what I did wrong! If you're gonna take away my best friend, you should at least tell me why!" Gordie said, getting seriously frustrated.
Chris turned around and started walking.
"I'm not gonna let you do this, man" Gordie said, calmer, as though Chris might as well get used to it.
Chris kept walking.
"You think I'm gonna give up eventually! But I'm not! I never will!" Gordie shouted to a now far away Chris.
Chris rounded the corner.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhggggggghhh!!!!!!!" Gordie exclaimed, kicking the locker, hard, then hopped around, holding his foot in pain.
Well, you can just get the-fuck over it, Chambers. You're going to talk to me whether you like it or not! Gordie thought as he headed to sixth period. He did not make any more attempts to talk to Chris that day…he had decided what he was going to do.
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Chris had been home about a half an hour when the phone rang.
"Hello?" Chris asked into the phone.
"Chris, this is Gordie-DON'T hang up. We need to talk, and it's gonna happen whether you like it or not. I'm giving you an ultimatum, you ready? Here's how it's gonna go, I'm heading to the tree house once we get off the phone, once I get there, I'm gonna give you an hour, and if you're not there, I'll come to your house, and we can talk there. If you're not there when I come over, I'll wait until you get back. Those are the choices. Yeah, its bitchy, but you know what, so are you right now. I went through the sad part of this, I went through the depressed part, you missed all that, so now you get to witness the pissed off part. I suggest you don't let me find out what the next part is. I'm a reasonable guy, though, and if you for some reason, honestly can't make it in an hour, tell me now and we'll reschedule, but the same rules will still apply" Gordie said and waited.
"No response? Well, then I'm going to assume that that means that you'll be there. See you then" Click.
Chris hung up the phone and thought about what had just happened. He didn't have much of a decision to make, if he didn't show up, Gordie would come to his house, and if he had to have this conversation, he didn't want to have it anywhere his dad might walk in on it. Gordie had sounded pretty upset, this almost made Chris smile, except that he was completely depressed.
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Gordie sat in the tree house, waiting for Chris to show up. It had already been over an hour, he decided to give him another ten minutes. He really didn't want to take this so far as to go to his house, but he would. Suddenly, Chris' head popped through the trap door.
"Hi" Chris said, sitting down.
"Hi yourself…look, I have over two weeks worth of talking to do, so you might want to get comfortable. First off, I can't apologize for being an ass, because I don't know what I did that made me an ass, because you didn't tell me. I can't make it right if I don't know what's wrong. You should have told me. If you have decided that you hated me and never wanted to talk to me, I still deserved to know. We're best friends, and we should be able to work it out, no matter what. If anyone has the right to be angry right now, its me. Notice I say that calmly, because I'm not. But I could be. I mean, I told you I friggin loved you and you freaked out like I had just admitted that I was a horse fucker! I gave this whole big speech about what good friends we were and how I didn't' want to lose that, and your only response was, 'no'! No explanation, no clarification, nothing! Just 'no'! Did it ever occur to you how it would appear to me that my best friend in the entire world just suddenly started acting weird and distant, then when I tried to figure out what was wrong and ended up admitting that I had deeper feeling for him than I originally thought, he ran off like a scalded cat, and theeen suddenly decides that he doesn't even want to be my friend anymore!? No, Chris, you didn't!…see, I could be mad at you…I have plenty of reason to be mad at you…but I'm not. I just wanna be friends again." Gordie said, his voice losing some of its conviction towards the end.
"Gordie…" Chris began in a very sad and regretful voice.
"Just answer me one thing, okay?" Gordie asked in a very quiet, unsure voice "Why does it freak you out so much. Is it that impossible for you to imagine ever loving me?" Gordie asked, a deflated sort of look on his face.
"No, Gordo, it's that easy to imagine" Chris said, looking at Gordie, trying to make him understand.
"What?" Gordie asked, his heart fluttering with hope underneath the thick layers of confusion and doubt that enveloped it.
"Haven't you ever noticed my lack of relationships? And even when I had one, I never let it get too deep, too threatening. They were always fun and carefree, and free of danger. With you, I don't have that. With you, it would be all to easy to let myself fall in love with you, and I can't do that to us. I'm not gonna be my Dad, Gordie, I'm not." Chris said, shaking his head with conviction.
"Then don't be, Chris. You aren't a product of your environment, we're fucking proof of that if anyone is. You're nothing like your Dad or your brothers! You've never laid a finger on a beer bottle, won't let me either. You're in the fucking college courses, man! You're gonna make something out of yourself, you're gonna get out! None of the rest of them are! You're nothing like them!" Gordie said with conviction.
"Gordie! You don't understand! That's not what I'm talking about. I know I'm getting out. What I'm talking about is something inside" Chris thumped his chest "Think about it, Gord, my Mom wouldn't have married a man with a drinking problem. She definitely wouldn't have married someone who hit her! Nobody says, 'hey, when I grow up, I'm gonna beat my wife'. It's not the alcohol, Gordo, that's just something that makes it worse. Its something in his head, something that's missing, some instinct or something. It wasn't missing when he was a kid, it disappeared over the years. I could lose it too. It's a reality I've thought about my whole life. A reality I knew about when I got into this relationship, and I shouldn't have started it when I knew how it was going to end. But I was selfish…I had to know what it would be like, having someone to love who loves you back. I had to know so that I could drive myself crazy for the rest of my life, regretting ending it. No, I'm not gonna be an alcoholic, that's obvious. But there are other things to be addicted to. I could become a work-a-holic, and start neglecting you, until, you eventually can't take it, and leave me, or worse, cheat on me! I can't let that happen Gordie, I can't. I'm not gonna destroy your spirit, I refuse to, not even for you. I know it hurts right now, trust me, Gordie, I know, but it would hurt so much worse later, because, with you, it would be for real, forever. And, knowing that, I'm ending it now, before we get too deep, while I still can. If we stay together, it wouldn't take long at all before I didn't have the strength to end it, so I'm doing it now. Because I love you enough to let you go. That's right. Love, I said it, yeah, I love you, have for a while. Too bad I'm so fucked up, huh?" Chris gave Gordie a weak, sad, pitiful smile.
"Chris, it doesn't have to be that way. You've already proved that you're different than them in so many ways, you can do it with this too. You just have to try, because, you're forgetting one crucial difference between you and them; you care. You want to be more, they never did. They weren't even smart enough to realize there was something to prevent. You could do it…if you wanted it bad enough." Gordie said, looking Chris right in the eye, all doubt and fear gone from him. He just kept thinking Chris loves me, we'll work it out.
"I do want it Gordie, Oh my God, I do" Chris said, his voice full of emotion, giving Gordie hope "But it doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter." his voice had gone flat and empty.
"Yes it does! You can do anything! You're Chris fucking Chambers! You're the guy who learned all the schooling it took me twelve years to learn in half that time, along with the new stuff that I was struggling with just by itself! You're the guy who can make some random kid on the side of the road crying forget what he was sad about. You're the guy who proved the entire fucking town wrong! You're the guy who takes more fucking shit and does less complaining than anybody else I've ever heard of or met! You're Chris fucking Chambers! You can do anything." Gordie said, believing what he said so much that Chris almost did to for a minute, almost.
"You know Gordie, that's one of the things I love most about you. The way your mind works. It's amazing. To you, anything is impossible if you want it bad enough, but at the same time, you're so logical sometimes, it blows me away. It's like, if you can't rationalize it, you put blind faith in it. I am so lucky to have been the object of that faith for so long, and it helped me in ways I fear you can never understand. You saved my life, Gordie. Now, let me save yours."
"I don't understand. We can at least be friends, can't we?" Gordie asked.
"You're so wonderfully naïve, Gordie. Don't ever change that, it's another one of those things I will miss most about you. Don't you see? We can't stay just friends Gordie, because we can never be 'just friends' again. It would never be enough. Not for me and not for you, and I don't want to ruin the friendship we had. I can only take one heartbreak per lifetime."
Gordie now knew that there was nothing else he could possibly say to persuade Chris. So, without another word, the two boys left the tree house and headed home in separate directions, both carrying a heavy heart and tear drained eyes.