In the Forests of the Night
A Hikaru no Go Ghost story
"I get by with a little help from my friends..."- The Beatles.
Me, I get by with BIG help from my beta-reader -- Imbrium. This, again, is dedicated to her and all her hard work.
Part 7b: Aspiring Wings
Autumn swirls its sienna leaves down, but he cannot spare the time to watch them fall. Urgency beats in each of his panting strides, and the fact that sunlight glints through the leaves further marks his desperation. His kind normally avoids coming out when the day burns so brightly, but he dares not wait for the shadows to arrive. Onward, onward, his four legs churn, and the harvest ripe fields flash by in a golden streak as he searches for the right scent within the cooling winds.
How long? He cannot tell, for time lost its meaning after that one night in spring. When the child left, he had taken the seasons with him. But now that Hikaru searches again, time renews its flow, dragging at his fur with the weight of each fleeting second. Faster now, and faster .... there! In the midst of an amber field, amongst the flowing grass, the child stands alone ...
But he is a child no longer. Hair, once bound in careful circles, falls free to his waist. Limbs have lengthened elegantly, as has the small round face. Grace flows in every movement, from the delicate swish of silk cloth to the careful weaving of the willowy body as delicate fingers trace up and down a thin bamboo flute. A mournful tune wavers in the air, a subtle counterpoint to the last crickets of the season.
His task is urgent, but Hikaru still steals just a moment to watch and wonder. Has it really been so long? He tries his truesight, and is taken aback. The child ... man ...has ...
His startled reaction is his undoing. The music stops; the mortal turns. The violet eyes, the ones that still flicker ghostlike through Hikaru's dreams, are the same.
"You came back," a quiet voice states, distinctly masculine, but not too deeply so. Hikaru can easily imagine this voice emerging out of the childish trill he had heard so long ago. "I thought it may have been a dream ... but you're back."
"Yes," there is not much else he can say, so he chooses to shift forms instead. Only the slight slanting of Sai's head indicates the mortal has noticed any change.
"Then the rest of what happened that night must be true."
"Yes," Hikaru repeats, wishing he could say something else. Perhaps he should have left this human to shelter of his illusions. It would have certainly saved Hikaru the discomfort he feels as the violet eyes narrow slightly. He braces himself for angry outburst that is sure to come.
Instead, Sai lifts the flute back up to his lips. The haunting call of the lone pipe circles in the air, courting the swaying grain as its partner. The young human shapes the song skillfully; whoever taught him has taught him well. Even the wind seems to hold its breath until the last spiraling note.
"Sai ..." he tries again when the song fades to a close. "There's something I need to tell you."
"Then tell me," Sai's gaze never leaves his flute. This serenity and poise is not something Hikaru had expected. A raging storm of tears, yes ... or perhaps a temper tantrum ... or a screaming outburst of rage ... just some reaction. The child he remembers would have jumped up and down, stamping his feet and waving his fists in fury.
The young man before him waits patiently. Only his robes, ruffled by the wind, move. He may as well be a rock against the whispering tide of amber grass.
"It's dangerous for you here," Hikaru says as calmly as possible. It is hard to judge this young mortal now; Sai's mind, once so open to him, remains tightly shut. The mortal's aura hasn't lost its any of its power, but the starfire has been tempered, like a blade hammered thin. The light glitters crystalline sharp as ever, but it has lost its raw magnitude and its blinding brilliance. "That night ..."
"Amatsu Mikaboshi told me what you tried to do. And what it would have cost me."
"Sai," Hikaru reaches out, but the child ... no ... man ... turns his head. It is not quite a flinch, but it forces Hikaru to withdraw anyway. "My people, I had to .."
He stops, aware that any further words would tumble uselessly against the stillness in the body before him. "I have no excuses; I will allow myself none. I can't imagine how you must have felt that night..."
"No. You can't." Sai voice remains steady, though Hikaru can see the faintest twitch in the fingers holding the flute. "I told myself it was but a childish dream. Or a nightmare."
Hikaru can only stand silent. Sai speaks as if he was addressing the sky or the clouds or something equally unimportant. "It took a long while, but I finally convinced myself, since I didn't see any of you again."
"Nobody dared to come, not with Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi's curse," Hikaru tries to move toward Sai again, but the young man keeps the distance between them. One step forward leads to another step back. If the scent and the eyes had not been the same, Hikaru might have deceived himself into believing this was not the same child who used to play so trustingly with him.
Hikaru lets his hands fall to his sides. He cannot deceive himself, and he has promised no more excuses. "What happened to you, afterwards?"
"Not much," Sai finally lowers the flute, but his long fingers keep running up and down its polished length. "I was sent to the court that morning. And in Heiankyo, there was much to learn. Many lessons beyond Go that I had to face."
Hikaru looks up at that. There is almost a note of ... sadness ... in the young man's voice. "What did they do to you?"
Anger makes him bare his fangs, and he is as surprised by his reaction as he is by its intensity.
"Nothing more than what had to be done. I had to learn, for there is little use in Heiankyo for children who misbehave or who have been touched by the night wanderers," Sai's voice remains neutral. "But though the guards and priests were very skilled at catching young boys who were out of bed and bounds, I did look for you. For a long time, I looked."
"I did not know," Hikaru closes his eyes. The leaves fall between them, and he wishes he could drift away as well and forget this mortal. "After all that happened ... I honestly thought it was for the best."
"Perhaps," Sai shrugs. "But back then, I didn't understand that. I even stopped playing for awhile, waiting for you. I think I would have given up playing mortal opponents forever. But you never came back."
"Sai ..." Hikaru cannot try to explain, for he truly cannot even begin to comprehend. Sai had waited for him. Had looked for him, even given the threat of punishment or worse. Why? Mortals are supposed to be accustomed to losing and loss. He had thought the child would have given up after a few nights. He had expected anger at his reappearance. But this? "You stopped playing? But you loved the game ..."
There. Hikaru blinks at the flicker of emotion that finally breaks through Sai's exterior. For a moment as brief as a breath, Hikaru sees the young child he had left behind, lost and lonely in a new world, with neither family nor friends to help him. Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi may have cursed Sai, but Hell is not the only one to blame for his suffering.
Sai bows his head slightly. Waves of ebony hair sweep forward, hiding his face. This strange, half-somber placidity disturbs Hikaru. Is there any joy in life left in this child who now is a man?
"Only for a little while, then? You started playing again, didn't you? You must have had to, in order to stay in the court. You must still play. Don't you?" Somehow, this question overshadows even the deep need which has sent him forth in the daylight hours.
"Yes. I play. In fact, it is my life now," for the first time, a spark enters the young voice, a flare of the old childish enthusiasm, lost in the otherwise all too mature body.
The fire has not disappeared then -- it has just dampened itself from Hikaru's view. He bristles. Perhaps he deserves this coldness, but he does not have to like it.
"It ...pleases me to hear that. Your play was impressive, even when you were a kit. I wager that your current games are exquisite," Hikaru does not know whether it is relief or jealousy that sieves through him. Whatever the emotion, it doesn't matter. He cannot afford either at the moment. "It is ... good you still play."
"It was what I was sent to Heiankyo to do, wasn't it? To play Go and to redeem the family honor. I am a Go sensei, just like I always wished. I am the tutor to the Emperor himself."
"Then, you're ... happy?"
"I am growing in Go. I never would have had the chance in your court."
"No, you wouldn't have. You had to play mortal souls in order to grow, both in Go and in other things." Hikaru meets Sai's gaze steadily, for he is the Lord of the Kitsune, and he will not flinch, not even from his own mistakes. However, acceptance of this isn't easy. Admitting it is even harder.
"It was difficult at first. But now ... now every day is filled with Go, and it makes it worth what I went through in the beginning. Even if it was a thousand times harder, it would be worth it," again, a flash of his past fire kindles in Sai's voice, growing brighter and brighter as he mentions the game. The nameless sensation twists in Hikaru once more, that something which exists beyond the boundaries of wonder, which only this mortal could inspire within him.
For even under a curse from the Demon Lord, the star souled child has not bent nor bowed.
And today he must crush this child's peace again. His legs falter under him, and he almost changes back to his four footed form. Things are simpler, closer to the earth. Here, standing face to face with one he has truly failed, for the first time in his immortality, the Lord of the Foxes knows the feeling of the rabbit-on-the-run.
So this is regret, Hikaru thinks, this reluctant facing of yourself without a mask, without illusions, when all you have done and have failed to do must be stared eye to eye.
"Osusuki -- leave. Don't drag me back to a place I don't belong, and to a time I rather not remember." Sai folds his arms together, and his face smoothes itself into a carefully neutral expression.
"Wait. I will go, but not before you listen to me. There have been rumors of late regarding Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi and what he plans to do with you." Hikaru grabs the young man's arm, forcing Sai to face him.
"He has not forgotten how you defied him and I hear ... I hear you have enemies in this court. You have grown too popular and too bright, and others resent this. They are moving against you even now, and the Lord of Darkness will use them to serve his own means. For your own sake, you must leave Heiankyo."
"And go where? To the kitsune court?" Finally, Hikaru hears it, that mocking note that belies a deep anger. He latches onto it; anger he can deal with.
"If you want. I can take you anywhere in this mortal plane and beyond -- places where they've never heard of the Heian court, where they don't even know what Go is. Just think -- you can introduce a whole new people to your love of the game, teach them about the flow of each move, or show them how to create stars. It'll be just like you always dreamed. Or you could try something else. You are still young, and you have many talents ..."
Sai pulls away, turning his back to Hikaru again. " I am the Emperor's tutor, and until he dismisses me, I cannot leave.To step down would mean disgracing myself and my family. I will not lose my ranking just because you dangle a few promises in front of me. It is a matter of honor."
"No, it is not!" Hikaru swirls around to face the young mortal. "It is a matter of your soul!"
"You can't separate one from the other. Unlike your kind, we humans don't work that way," the words sting, and the pain is worse because he knows that Sai has meant them to hurt. "Enough. I will not fall for your temptations or your games. My soul is my own. Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi's curse means nothing to me. I have sworn to stay and teach the Emperor. More than that, staying here is vital to where I am heading with my skills. There is nowhere else I can achieve my goal."
"Your ... goal?" Hikaru almost wishes that Sai was a kitsune. He knows how to deal with his kind. Battles with words or battles with fang and claw he can handle. But this ... a battle of half-silences, where the barbs fly unseen and unexpectedly... he has to be careful here, if he is to remain the hunter and not the hunted.
"To become the greatest player ever -- to reach the Hand of God. I can attain this in the Emperor's court. After all, isn't the Emperor a god himself? I move closer to the divine moves just by being in his presence. And the players who are here are the best in all the land. The patterns that form ... they do not appear anywhere else. I can only reach my goal here."
"But what about other matters, beyond Go? You can still play the game elsewhere. Once, you were even happy playing on a board made of dirt scratches, with stones you picked up off the ground. You loved the game for itself, not for its moves, and definitely not for its power."
"I am not a child anymore, and I will not play as one. I need opponents who can challenge me. Beyond that, I am truly happy here. I play as much as I wish, day in and day out. My family is happy here. My mother and grandmother receive the respect they have so long craved, and my father ... is proud of me. Because of my high position, we have been given back our old quarters in the capital, and we have regained the honor we once lost."
"If such pomp and circumstance are what you desire, then you might as well have stayed in my court. You could have had challenging opponents there too. The mortal court may have helped you grow in Go, but in other things ... no matter what they taught you, you have not learned enough. Heiankyo has not been kind to you, Fujiwara no Sai."
Human and kitsune stare at each other, neither backing down. Hunt or be hunted. That is the first law. Hikaru refuses to be the one to fall first.
"Even I -- whose very nature lies in conjunction with games and trickery and shallow illusions -- can see this. Why can't you? It is not the game that matters. Yes, you have talent in Go. Even a blind and deaf mortal left only with a sense of smell could tell you that. But what really marks you is not that one talent, but the inner fire and passion which fuels your brilliance. It is that which draws us to you, Fujiwara no Sai -- that which shows itself in how you play the game, not in the game itself."
"Then I must apologize for my most rude remarks, but I will have to agree to disagree with you, oh Lord of the Kitsune. I have played for a long time now, and I have learned that only one thing remains constant. And it is not who I used to play," Sai turns his head away, though it is not a gesture of defeat. "Please... just leave. Heiankyo is my home. I cannot ... I will not follow you into the wandering night anymore."
"Sai ..."
"That's Fujiwara-sensei to you, Osusuki-sama. Now, please ... I humbly beg for you to leave my lowly presence, milord."
The words might as well have been a slap to Hikaru's face. The mortal has won; he is truly the rabbit-on-the-run, with its neck caught helplessly in a snare. The flawless delivery of the bow, the perfect cold sweep of the arm as Sai treats him as any of his courtiers would -- he would rather take a sword to the stomach.
"Sai .... Sai!" Hikaru tries one last time. The rage that has been missing from Sai seems to have seeped into him. "Ignore me now at your own peril. I am the Lord of the Foxes, and I do not give warnings lightly. If you persist in this, then I will leave you to your fate!"
Sai merely bows yet again before backing away. Hikaru dares not follow as the mortal wades back through the wind blown grass. The Heian Court has many safeguards against the wanderers and among these are legions of sword wielding monks. If it was only them, however, he might have tried further.
But night, too, threatens him with its inexorable approach. With it comes the things that travel within the darkness, things he cannot let see him in conjunction with Sai. The irony makes Hikaru twitch his ears; he, a lord of the night wanderers, afraid of the deepening shadows like some unweaned human cub? He wishes he could laugh, but there is little humor left within him now. It seems the child has taken that, as well.
He must return to his court. However, for as long as he can, Hikaru keeps his eyes on the ever receding back of the brightest soul he has ever seen. Something in him, as true as the first instinct, murmurs that it is probably one of the last times he will see that soul within the confines of its mortality.
The seasons shift, and the deep gold of autumn slides into the grey mundanity of winter. With the silent season comes a new kind of darkness, a kind of darkness that a fox spirit knows well to avoid, a kind of darkness that not even truesight can pierce. It is the night unending.
All kitsune cubs are taught two things, after they first open their trueyes. One is to never look straight at the stars. The other is that though they are creatures of the wandering night, there are places in the absolute darkness even they cannot go. Shadows need a source to cast them, and illusions in the dark are not illusions at all.
Winter stirs itself into spring. The new season is indeed a spectacular one. Those gifted only with mortal sight can find no fault with the azure blue of the sky, the sweet scent of the newly budding blossoms, and the gentle caress of sunshine reborn. Hikaru, though gifted with something beyond mortal sight, can see nothing beyond the twin watchtowers of duty and debt which burn within him.
He must get back to the boy, but he cannot -- nor does he dare -- cross the night unending. Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi' punishments, by nature, are legendary. And the Lord of Evil is beginning to suspect something about the Lord of the Kitsune. Wherever Hikaru goes now, he senses the shadows watching.
Sai or his people. A decision has to be made. Though born timeless, Hikaru is running out of time. Already, plans began to converge and mix, and the darkness in Heiankyo is like a mountain blocking out the moon. Soon, very soon ... the basest part of him, the part consigned to the pact of hunter and hunted recognizes the last, still seconds before the throat tearing leap.
Hikaru has seen the span of many years, from century to century, until he has almost three millennia under his fur. However, he is not so old that he can remember the birth of the stars, and he has never seen one die before. Not until this night, that is.
The night unending has finally receded from the waking world, leaving Hikaru free to roam wherever he wishes with his own shaded power.Yet, his illusions are difficult to hold, for he knows of only one reason for the shadows' departure. He runs, until the breath is tight against his throat, runs until the wind strips his fur bare, runs until he seems to race time itself ...
But even as his paws hit the mortal earth, he knows.
And he can only watch as the young form stumbles out of the house. The sliding doors shut firmly. A flickering candle from within the room causes the objects inside to project large against the paper screens. It is like seeing a bizarre mockery of a children's shadow play; the dark shapes of Sai's parents shake and bow together, forming the classical posture of grief. The silence of the scene speaks its own language.
Finally, the figures turn away, taking the light with them, and the audience of two watches them go. Sai totters upright, his motions stilted and uncertain. His first step nearly sends him tumbling towards the ground again. His next step is just as bad. Still, he continues, slowly, painfully. It occurs to Hikaru that Sai looks like a newborn trying to learn the basic motions of life ... and failing badly at it.
Hikaru has never seen a birth of a star before. He wishes that he hasn't seen this death.
"Sai ..." he calls, his own four feet awkward and unsteady as he paces alongside the drooping human. "Sai! Listen to me ..."
The young human trips. He does not put out his hands to catch himself. Instead, he crumples earthward, in a puddle of white cloth and lays there unmoving. A murmur, too faint even for a kitsune's sensitive ears, brushes the air. Perhaps Sai calls for his mother or his father. Perhaps he cries against fate or for absolution. Or perhaps he whispers the name of what he has lost.
Even as the Lord of the Kitsune, Hikaru does not know.
"Sai?"
There is no response beyond the light whir of the young man's breath. The sound is so soft. So fragile.
"Sai ..."
Nothing. Not even the slightest hint of a response from the fallen figure. With a sickening jolt, Hikaru realizes that the human does not see nor hear him ... in fact, cannot see nor hear ...
"Sai!" He circles the prone form. "Have you lost your truesight? You used to see me, even shadowed as I am now. You can't have lost ..."
No, the human has lost even more than that.
"Kitling..." he sits by the body, almost close enough to touch. "I am here. You just have to look."
But Sai does not.
Two days pass in quick succession. The mortal has stopped trying to take care of himself; he does not eat nor does he sleep. Sai walks as if the ground is giving way beneath his feet. His clothing, so well tended before, drag behind him like a fallen banner. His hands, so skillful at so many things, hang like wounded birds at his side. But it is his once vibrant eyes that have changed the most -- eyes that see neither the wandering world nor the waking one, eyes have turned inward and become flat with grief.
Is this what mortal despair encompasses, then, this lessening of the senses until nothing but sadness remains?
The thought leaves a taste like ash in Hikaru's mouth. He remembers the weight of the child dangling from his jaws that first night, heavy and warm. Almost like his own kits.
It is not as simple as taking Sai home again, for no such place exists now. Nor can he go for the throat, as he should have back then. He could forcibly manifest and and shake the human until he comes to his senses, but that -- or anything else he might try -- would undoubtedly bring Amatsu Mikaboshi's wrath upon his people.
However, if Sai were to look for him or to ask for help, then Hikaru would be within his rights to act. Consent is the key. He cannot move without it; he has already made that mistake once. But this one hope keeps him by the human's side, waiting. If only ...
But Sai does not.
A soft sound comes from the human ... not a whimper, not a whine, but a whispering stir of air -- a breath that is different from the others. Almost like relief. Almost like resignation. Almost like . . .
Hikaru feels every hair in his body shiver on end, and suddenly, he knows his decision. Whether Sai wills it or not, Hikaru cannot ... he will not ... his illusions swirl around him, and he takes hold, ready to rip through to ...
He never has a chance.
"Osusuki ..." the summons strikes a deep chord him, and the world shakes as the Demon Lord strips away at reality.
No! Hikaru twists frantically. He cannot leave Sai, not now, not in this state ...
"Come! I summon you, and you must obey."
His paws cannot hold onto the mortal sphere, and his fur chills as he enters Hell ...
"Osusuki, I am disappointed at you."
"M-my most gracious lord! I do not know what you mean ... is this not what you wanted? Your plan has worked brilliantly, as only your plans could. I just wanted to see the end result of your artistry, for I have much to learn as a lowly wanderer."
"Are you trying to lie to me, O Lord of the Foxes? Remember who I am. I know your deepest heart. I know what you tried to do. And though your little star souled mortal may be suffering, he has still somehow managed to escape my domain and my grasp. This vexes me greatly."
Pain ... pain beyond Hikaru's understanding lashes through him, pain that chokes off any thought ...
"What a pity you did not learn from the first time you tried to interfere. You gained nothing then, and you will gain nothing now. The mortal still suffers, whether or not I have him. But this time -- you will suffer as well. But not only you."
"My lord, please, I beg of you ..."
"For your trespass, I will punish all of your kind. Next year and every year after that, for nine hundred and ninety nine years, I will come on the Night of the All Wandering. If, at the end of this time, you have not brought me either Sai's star soul or one just as bright, then I will take your people to Hell and they will be mine forever."
Then pain is all he knows, burning and freezing at once .... pain ....
Perhaps an eternity passes. Perhaps not. The first thing Hikaru feels beyond lashing agony is the gentle caress of his mate's tongue against his fur. She cleans him as if he is a newborn kit, and her eyes are compassionate. He knows, however, that some things can never wash away.
"My love ... you have suffered so much."
"Not enough. Never enough. I've destroyed our people."
She washes him gently behind his ears. "Or perhaps you've given us a chance to change." She pauses and in that one, breaking moment, Hikaru realizes there remains much to learn, least of all in the shape of his mate and in the way she still curls against him, despite all he has done. Still so much left to wonder at, now that time is no longer infinite for him or his people.
"Change," he repeats. "Yes. For the first time ... I must look ... forward ..." he blinks.
"But before that, you must first look ... Osusuki ..." Her golden eyes seem to hold the sorrow of the world.
He knows. Even before she says a word, he knows.
"Go to him," she whispers, and he totters forth on broken paws. Each step hurts, though he does not whimper or cry. Some things are painful beyond that which one can give voice to, so he does not try.
But it is the last sight that cuts the most, that threatens to mute his voice forever with its terrible ephemerality.
Unique fragility. He understands now.
The river is calm, and its currents run so deep and slow that they do not disturb the image of the full moon that rests upon its glassy face. The river reeds dip and sway in the gentle night breeze, and a few white petals of some late blooming flower slip serenely downstream. Somewhere in the distance, an owl shakes off the day's slumber and spreads its white wings. And below the surface ... just below ...
The last, fading echoes of a fallen star glimmer out.
"No!" Hikaru's voice sounded strange in his throat. The world spun around him, and confusion littered his thoughts. Which memories were his own ... which memories were Osusuki's ... the pain from the vision of Hell and the vision of ... "S-SAI! NO!"
"Relax, Shindo Hikaru. Breathe deeply. You are yourself again," a light touch to his wrist took away most of his memories of that brief, terrifying visit to Hell. It was like learning to breathe fresh air again, after a life of smoke and fog. "You're fine now ..."
Hikaru wasn't too sure of that, however. Images still cascaded in his mind, of Sai sprawled across the earth... of that last glimpse of him in the water. It was only when he tasted salt in his mouth that he realized he was crying.
"I know he .... but I didn't know it was like ..." Hikaru swiped his eyes with a sleeve. The tears kept coming, though, no matter how roughly he scrubbed them away. "They threw him away ... over just one, stupid, lousy game?"
"Mortals get hung up on the most silly things ... like face and status. I don't think anyone realized, not even Sai, that honor has nothing to do with either of those. However, it wasn't only `one, stupid, lousy game.'"
Osusuki turned away, and Hikaru caught a streak of silver as the kitsune's claws flashed briefly in the air. He did not know what Osusuki was fighting, for there was no one else in the clearing, but he could understand the feeling. If he had claws, he would be slashing them too.
"As a child of a dispossessed nobility, but with a talent to rise quickly in the ranks, you can probably guess how popular he was in the court -- as well as know how much of that popularity was based on loyalty. Sai's world may have been completely composed of Go, but that's not what all of the Heian court is about. I don't think he ever truly understood that. Despite what Sai tried to project, in the end, he still was such a trusting soul at heart."
Osusuki's voice vibrated at a point just under a growl. It made Hikaru's skin prickle, and he instinctively shifted backwards. "If I had known, I would have ended it the first night I met him. It would have been quicker and a lot less painful."
"But it is not just you mortals alone. I failed him as well. After we wanderers abandoned him, all he had left to believe in was the game. He loved it as a child ... yes ... but afterwards, it was literally his life. Thus, when his opponent cheated that last time, when even the game failed him ... If I've learned one thing about you mortals, it that you need hope and faith more than even air to live. When all you believe in life rejects you, where do you go?"
Hikaru felt his mouth opening and closing, very much like a giant baby bird. Finally, an ungainly squawk emerged, further enhancing that image. "Whaaaaaa?! No!"
"I'm not saying that suicide was the correct path, but he was tired. And it was the easiet way out. Though, it wasn't as simple as losing a game and being banished. He lost himself. Perhaps, even more than that. You must also remember who and what depended on his games as well."
Hikaru twisted his damp sleeves in his hands. "Man, that sucks. It's not great that my parents are clueless about me. I wouldn't mind if they came to a game or two. But at least they let me play without bugging me about winning. No one needs me to win but me. If it was like that ..." Hikaru swallowed.
Osusuki nodded at the growing look of horror on the boy's face. "It would be like what Sai faced every day back then. He was free to play as much as he wanted, but he wasn't ever really free. Not like you are. Not with his family depending on him like that. And yet, he still truly loved the game, despite the pressure. That's how the curse ran as it did."
Hikaru shivered, and his gaze drifted out beyond the trees. "No wonder he never talks about the Heian court or the curse or why he ... died. It's so sad."
"Perhaps so, if you look at his death purely as an end. But the fact that you are here proves that it is not. Besides, you also told me that Sai didn't consider his fate as a curse. I wonder if he sees his afterlife as a punishment from Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi...or as grace given from Kami-sama to carry on his quest after his first failure." A half smile flitted across Osusuki's face.
"It WOULD be like him to turn a curse into a blessing. He always had a different view of the world than most of us ... immortal or mortal. So stop your snot laden sniffling. Sai didn't let Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi win. Somehow, he still managed to find happiness ..."
"What!?"
"He found Torajiro."
Stricken, Hikaru stood silent for several moments. As usual, the mere mention of his predecessor's name made his throat close, and his breath felt tight and rather painful in his chest. He shoved his hands into his sleeves, creating a barrier of cloth between him and the kitsune. "Great. Him again."
"Now, now, watch that jealousy. It is not one of your more finer emotions."
Hikaru glared, stamping a foot for good measure. "I am not jealous! And what do you know about Torajiro anyway?! Have you been spying on Sai all this time?!"
"No. When I gave you permission to have access to my memories, in return, you gave me the same right to enter yours -- as well as that small part of Sai which remains in you at all times."
Hikaru blinked, jarred abruptly out of his brooding by the kitsune's revelation. "All my memories? That means you've been spying on my brain?! Waaaait. ALL my memories ... even the ..."
"Yes, all your memories. Stop gawking -- they're not really of interest to me. To tell the truth, they are exceptionally mundane, except for the bits where you keep getting lost." Osusuki gave a small, half smile as Hikaru smacked both hands against his head. "Though there is one part that I didn't quite understand. You carry many more things in your head than you may even know."
"What?!" Hikaru felt dizzy. The kitsune paced slowly around the boy, head tilted slightly as if trying to peer at Hikaru from another angle. "Why are you looking at me like that? What do you mean?! UUGGH! Stop messing with my brain. First Sai, then you ... it's like I have a welcome mat out or something! I don't have anything in my mind!"
"Well, I am not going to argue with that," Osusuki snorted as Hikaru hit his forehead again. "It is mostly just porn, manga, and Go in that empty space you call a brain. Rather sad, really."
"I do NOT think about porn!" Hikaru stamped his other foot.
"That, somehow, makes it even more sad. But no need to get so fussy. Hmph. As if I cared about the strange mating habits of you humans. What was interesting to me, though, is that bit of Sai in you. You have never been in there, have you? Seriously, I don't think you know the depths of your own mind. That is very dangerous, Shindo Hikaru, not to mention worrisome. Especially with what we face tonight," Osusuki's voice dropped. Hikaru had a feeling the kitsune was not merely sniping at him anymore. "At any rate, through Torajiro, Sai had a chance to show the world his greatness -- a chance that he was denied in his own lifetime."
"Yeah, yeah, Torajiro let Sai play," still hidden by the folds of his gown, Hikaru's hands clenched. Only when he felt his arms twinge did he notice just how tightly he was holding himself in.
"But you were different from him."
"So, you're gonna tell me that I've been an idiot not to let him play? That I deserve to be thrown to He Who Kicks Puppies For Fun? I know that already!" Hikaru brought an arm up to wipe at his nose again. "That's what you've been wanting to say all night, right?"
"Ah, so it's self pity now. You really shouldn't do that. It's not good for you. But ....no. Though I wish to save Sai, I will not say that." Osusuki made a twirling motion with his fingers. A large white handkerchief appeared. "Here, stop... leaking."
Hikaru grabbed the handkerchief. His sleeves were becoming rather untidy, and it was hard to scowl when his face felt stiff from all the tears.
"Not letting Sai play is perhaps the best thing you could've done for him." Osusuki finally said, after Hikaru finished scrubbing.
"Okay, I'm not following you. Let's see ... after being cursed and killing himself, Sai's forced to wander around from goban to goban watching games but not playing. Of course, he then meets Mr. "I'm Too Perfect For My Pants " Torajiro, who dies before he can help Sai reach the hand of God, which probably just makes Sai even more sadder. And THEN, to top it ALL off, he lands in me, who doesn't even let him play ... how is this a good thing?"
The anger boiled hot and thick within him. Only when he heard a dull, tearing sound did he realize the extent of his rage. He had managed to rip the sturdy linen handkerchief in half. But who am I really angry at?
"It's like I'm helping Lord ..."
The scraps of the cloth fluttered from his hands as realization dawned. Perhaps it wasn't Osusuki who deserved to be ripped into fraying pieces. "I was ... I was supposed to help Sai, wasn't I? But instead, I'm torturing him. I'm a part of the curse ... I make him watch instead of letting him play, I tell him that he's a pain ....I'm a part of the curse ..."
"Oh please. Don't even start with the 'it's all my fault' type of angsting you humans seem so fond of doing. Your sense of dramatics is overshadowing any iota of reasoning ... not that you had much to begin with," Osusuki glanced at his empty teacup and raised an eyebrow.
Cultural habit made Hikaru reach for the teapot and refill the cup for the kitsune. Osusuki glanced curiously at him, as if waiting for some smart remark or perhaps another crowing, kettle-laden attack. When none came, the kitsune reached over, took the teapot, and refilled Hikaru's cup as well. Wordlessly, the boy curled his fingers around the bone white porcelain, despite the heat.
"Still moping? Before you start moaning and groaning and spouting bad poetry or whatever you modern humans do when you're being hard on yourselves, just listen. Have my memories not helped you at all? When he met Torajiro, the boy had already started on the path of Go. But Torajiro was too kind ..."
Pushing the teacup away from him, Hikaru put his head into the circle of his arms. The liquid in the cup shivered as his fingertips brushed the rounded edge. He heard what sounded like a sigh coming from the kitsune.
"Through Torajiro, like I said, Sai got to unleash all his frustration about never being known for his Go. However, while Sai was allowed to grow in Go, he wasn't able to grow in spirit. Torajiro never challenged him in that aspect. I would even go as far as saying that Sai made a mistake with Torajiro ...that they both made a mistake."
"Mistake?!" Hikaru lifted his head. "Yeah, right. Torajiro was Mr. Perfect. He never made mistakes. You should hear Sai go on about him. Torajiro did this and Torajiro did that ... I'm surprised he didn't make me build a shrine. "
"Ah. Well, far be it from me to change your opinion of your old rival."
"He's not my rival!"
"Perhaps I've used the wrong wording. The old ghost of your ghost, then. It doesn't matter."
Osusuki drained his teacup, smacking his lips slightly. "Torajiro worshipped Sai fanatically. However, worship holds its own inherent responsibility, limits and pitfalls. In his kindness, Torajiro has inadvertently wounded Sai, just as with his selfishness, Sai hurt Torajiro irreparably. The true tragedy is that they never realized what they did to each other."
The kitsune snorted as Hikaru numbly shook his head in disbelief. "Believe what you will. I have not lied to you. I may be a Lord of Illusions, but there has to be a kernel of truth at the base of whatever I weave. At least trust me on this. Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi will take advantage of whatever guilt ... false or otherwise ... you hold. So you better know what you truly are responsible for tonight. Otherwise you might end up taking on burdens you cannot handle. You are hardly an extension of the curse, even given your admittedly boorish and unrefined behavior. Sai needs you and your stubborn attitude, more than worship, more than respect, even more than he needs to play."
"More than he needs to play?" Hikaru felt like laughing, though he only managed a half strangled choking sound instead. "You really didn't look at those memories too good, did you? We fight all the time over who plays. No matter what you say, Sai an' Torajiro never fought, and he sure likes ol' Shuusako better than he likes me. And now it's gotten to the point where only one of us can play and go forward. And ..."
Hikaru felt the rest of his words drain away.
"His Go is better than yours."
"Yeah." Hikaru nodded halfheartedly, feeling as if someone had poked a hole somewhere in his stomach. His world certainly felt as if it was deflating.
"However, it is your life. He threw his away." Osusuki clicked his claws on his teacup, then shook his head. "It seems we've come full circle, Shindo Hikaru. So I ask you again, what does Sai mean to you? And does Go really form the best part of your relationship? Think, this time, instead of merely reacting."
Hikaru pushed his sleeves back, absently scratching his arms. Is Go the best part? The thought unnerved him, though for no reason he could quite pinpoint.
"Well, yes and no," he said slowly as he reconsidered how he and Sai spent most of their time together.
"It's ... half of what we share, I guess. A BIG half. We play at least one game every night. But most days, if I don't go to the insei building or to a study session, we just ...do stuff together. Like goof around in the park or hang in the manga store. Sometimes, he plays his flute for me, or I show him something cool and modern, like the arcade. And when we don't go anywhere or I'm too tired to play, we just talk about stupid crap. He's got these really weird ideas, and it's really funny to see what he thinks about the twenty-first century. Y'know ... we ... just do ... stuff. It might change now that I'm a pro, and I know the fighting is gonna get worse, but I think ... I hope we'll still do some other things besides Go."
Hikaru realized he was babbling, but he couldn't seem to stop. "But the best part ... No. It's not the games. Or how's he's helped me. Or that he's my friend. It's all of that together... but that's not it either. I don't know how to explain it. It's kinda like how you can't explain about what Sai means to you either, specially when you look at the sakura trees. It's not the same feeling between me an' him, but it's the same ... kinda ... not being able to talk about it." Hikaru itched the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Things just ... work."
Osusuki lifted an eyebrow, his eyes narrowing slightly. "I ... see."
Hikaru tugged at the collar to his robes one last time. "Okay, so I don't know what the best part is. But I do know my favorite time with him. It sounds real stupid, but I really like when we're just ... quiet ... together. Like sometimes, after a really good game, we just sit and chill, and we don't need to talk cause we just know what the other's thinking -- and I'm not talking 'bout our mindlink -- we just ... know. Because we're together. I can just sit with myself and not need anything else."
Hikaru paused, feeling slightly embarrassed. He was not quite sure why he had rambled on so long, especially if Osusuki knew his memories already. The Lord of the Kitsune didn't seem to mind listening, though the fox spirit was not exactly Hikaru's first choice for a confessor. The night was definitely becoming stranger with each passing moment.
"Has it ever occurred to you, then, that while he may have taught you how to sit with yourself, in turn, you have taught him how to be himself again. And ... that there is something more important to him than even his Go."
Osusuki leaned back, his green eyes glittering strangely. "Despite all your prickly arguments and petty rivalries, in your own way, you have given Sai as much joy as you have pain. Through you, since you knew nothing about the game -- as he's forced to take you through each step -- he's rediscovering his own first joy, the one that came before he knew anything about hands of God or playing for power. With you, there are no restrictions on how he must behave. He show his true joy at just being."
The bright memory of a certain ghost jumping up and down in pure excitement at just playing him -- all of Sai's odd, immature behaviors ... it made a strange sort of sense, in light of what the kitsune had said. The childish earnestness that Sai usually displayed towards him ... it matched what Hikaru had seen in Osusuki's first memories of the ghost.
Hikaru spent a long moment tracing haphazard patterns across the wood of the table as his mind spun, trying to condense his thoughts into an one comprehensible theory. With the other half of the kitsune's memories, Hikaru could also finally understand where the more serious, adult Sai, the one he had seen since he had blundered blindly into the wandering night, had come from as well. The contrast made his stomach ache, though whether from sadness or anger, he did not know.
"You understand at last, don't you? Your "annoying, whiny, and bratty" Sai, the one you know now, could have never survived in the Heian court back then. In the world of willow and silk, of face and status, where one's true nature had to be disguised by a fan, a sleeve, or pretty words, Sai and his passion ... well ... he had to change. The same goes for what he had with Torajiro, who was a child at the time they met. He could hardly be himself then either."
Osusuki shrugged. "Your relationship with Sai is infinitely more complex than any he has ever had, even with us wanderers, for you don't see Sai simply as a Go genius, a star-souled child, or as someone with which to gain favor with the court. On the most basic level, you're Sai's friend, his very best friend. You're giving him back that one part of his heart he sacrificed to become who he is. Though ... even you sacrificed that piece of yourself, once. I remember your memories. Your worlds, though different outwardly, may not be as far apart as you think."
Hikaru thought of Akari, Mitani, and Tsutsui -- the ones he had to leave behind. And of Waya and Isumi, and how they and the other insei rarely mentioned a life outside Go. When they did talk about it, most of the time the stories were unpleasant. In some ways, society had not changed too much from the time of willow and silk. Perhaps the length of their robes had shortened, and fans and sleeves had been exchanged for other cloying distractions, but life could be just as cruel and cutting now as it was then, especially to those who were perceived as "different" or "gifted." This was doubly true, Hikaru realized wryly, if you were "gifted" in a competitive area such as Go. Especially there, actually -- true friendships were rare. The relationships of the insei were always tinged with rivalry.
Like my relationship with Touya ... actually, he's kinda like Sai was, back then, all alone because he's so smart. Hikaru blinked at the sudden, unexpected thought. Apparently, hanging with a kitsune did odd things to one's brain -- like give it unexpected insights. Geez, I guess I am lucky to have someone to come with me, especially someone like ...
"You and Sai ... your paths are combined, and you don't have to walk it alone. With you, Sai has had to temper his goals. With you, he chases both the Hand of God and the path of helping you grow, equally. Or perhaps the two ... teaching and the Hand of God ... are connected somehow. Because with you, his starfire burns even more brightly than when I first met him. I know you don't understand now, nor do you believe me. You won't until much later, I wager, given the vast depths of ignorance that goes around masquerading as your brain."
"HEY!"
"But Sai does have a reason to thank you. As do my people."
"Your people?"
"Nine hundred and ninety nine years ends tonight."
"Oh..." Hikaru rubbed his head as the reality of his situation came crashing back down upon him. For a moment, he had been so caught in learning about Sai (and about himself, in retrospect) that he had forgotten about the game. "Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi ... near the end ... when he was torturing us ... I mean, you ... he said he would take all the kitsune to Hell ...."
"Yes."
"That's why you needed MY soul ... " Hikaru stared at Osusuki. "If it wasn't for Sai ...I'd be demon kibble."
"Yes." Osusuki did not even bother to try to deny it.
"How many people have you ..."
"Don't ask. I will not regret acting as I must. But if it helps soothe your little mortal morals, every soul that has ever passed through the wandering night has not been forced here, nor do I trap them here once they have come. I merely open the gateway between our worlds. They are to the ones who step through. And to most of them, this is a wonderful time of magic and dreams, of illusions made real. And at the end of their stay, a princely being would come and offer them whatever the wished for. The choice is always theirs alone."
"How many ..."
"Don't ask," Osusuki repeated. "They had a choice. They always have a choice."
"I didn't get a choice! Sai asked you to let me leave and look! I'm still here!"
"As I've said before, your soul is different. You travel with one of the wandering night, and your star aura ... well ... the rules are different as well. You do have a choice, but that choice is much more complicated than simply staying or leaving. Nonetheless, you are still proving quite hard to sacrifice.You are a lot like your mentor, you know?"
"But even if Sai does win, Amatsu Mikaboshi will get still his soul for a thousand years." Hikaru closed his eyes. "Your people have been saved, Osusuki ... sama."
"I never meant to condemn him to Hell. I thought that I could convince you to give your soul to Lord Mikaboshi willingly. Or, on the chance that you took me up on my offer to let you leave, then the game would have been declared void, for the stakes would have changed. This would also mean that Sai would not be bound to a thousand years in Hell, for he would not be the one who broke the contract. However, it did have one down side in that, upon your death, you'd be condemned to Hell for abandoning your sensei to save your own skin."
"What?! Oh thank you VERY much. I can't believe ... You know, even if I was that dumb, Sai still probably wouldn't just hand me over. We're both not like that."
"I know. I did not say it was the best plan." Osusuki shrugged. "Especially since it didn't work. I realize now that if anything had happened to you, Sai would ... anyway, the best I can do is keep you here, shield your thoughts, and give Sai the best chance to save you at least. I am helping, as much as I can."
"But keeping ME safe doesn't help him at ALL with the thousand years in Hell thing!"
The Lord of the Kitsune looked away. "It's the best I can do. Otherwise, both of you will face an eternity in Hell, and that is definitely --"
"Osusuki-sama! Osusuki-saaaaama!!"
The high childish voice made both Hikaru and the Lord of the Kitsune freeze. Hikaru felt an odd sense of almost-deja-vue-but-not-quite as Kojoro skidded into the clearing, tumbling into an earth hugging bow before them.
"Kojoro, what is it?"
"M-milord, Kinyuki-sama has been looking everywhere for you! Everyone has! It's Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi ... he ....he's demanding you bring the human back to the game!"
Wordlessly, Hikaru and Osusuki stared at one another. The fox spirit abruptly clenched one hand upon his mask. The other rolled into a fist so tight that Hikaru could see small beads of blood well up between the fingers, in a parallel row below the knuckles. Kitsune, apparently, could bleed.
"I guess I have failed him, even in this."
For Hikaru, the world seemed to shake, as if the ground had melted away to jelly. Or perhaps he was the one who was shaking. He couldn't tell. Sai's going to be cheated in the game. Again. But this time ...
This time ... it'll be MY fault ...
To be continued ...
______________________________
A Hikaru no Go Ghost story
"I get by with a little help from my friends..."- The Beatles.
Me, I get by with BIG help from my beta-reader -- Imbrium. This, again, is dedicated to her and all her hard work.
Part 7b: Aspiring Wings
Autumn swirls its sienna leaves down, but he cannot spare the time to watch them fall. Urgency beats in each of his panting strides, and the fact that sunlight glints through the leaves further marks his desperation. His kind normally avoids coming out when the day burns so brightly, but he dares not wait for the shadows to arrive. Onward, onward, his four legs churn, and the harvest ripe fields flash by in a golden streak as he searches for the right scent within the cooling winds.
How long? He cannot tell, for time lost its meaning after that one night in spring. When the child left, he had taken the seasons with him. But now that Hikaru searches again, time renews its flow, dragging at his fur with the weight of each fleeting second. Faster now, and faster .... there! In the midst of an amber field, amongst the flowing grass, the child stands alone ...
But he is a child no longer. Hair, once bound in careful circles, falls free to his waist. Limbs have lengthened elegantly, as has the small round face. Grace flows in every movement, from the delicate swish of silk cloth to the careful weaving of the willowy body as delicate fingers trace up and down a thin bamboo flute. A mournful tune wavers in the air, a subtle counterpoint to the last crickets of the season.
His task is urgent, but Hikaru still steals just a moment to watch and wonder. Has it really been so long? He tries his truesight, and is taken aback. The child ... man ...has ...
His startled reaction is his undoing. The music stops; the mortal turns. The violet eyes, the ones that still flicker ghostlike through Hikaru's dreams, are the same.
"You came back," a quiet voice states, distinctly masculine, but not too deeply so. Hikaru can easily imagine this voice emerging out of the childish trill he had heard so long ago. "I thought it may have been a dream ... but you're back."
"Yes," there is not much else he can say, so he chooses to shift forms instead. Only the slight slanting of Sai's head indicates the mortal has noticed any change.
"Then the rest of what happened that night must be true."
"Yes," Hikaru repeats, wishing he could say something else. Perhaps he should have left this human to shelter of his illusions. It would have certainly saved Hikaru the discomfort he feels as the violet eyes narrow slightly. He braces himself for angry outburst that is sure to come.
Instead, Sai lifts the flute back up to his lips. The haunting call of the lone pipe circles in the air, courting the swaying grain as its partner. The young human shapes the song skillfully; whoever taught him has taught him well. Even the wind seems to hold its breath until the last spiraling note.
"Sai ..." he tries again when the song fades to a close. "There's something I need to tell you."
"Then tell me," Sai's gaze never leaves his flute. This serenity and poise is not something Hikaru had expected. A raging storm of tears, yes ... or perhaps a temper tantrum ... or a screaming outburst of rage ... just some reaction. The child he remembers would have jumped up and down, stamping his feet and waving his fists in fury.
The young man before him waits patiently. Only his robes, ruffled by the wind, move. He may as well be a rock against the whispering tide of amber grass.
"It's dangerous for you here," Hikaru says as calmly as possible. It is hard to judge this young mortal now; Sai's mind, once so open to him, remains tightly shut. The mortal's aura hasn't lost its any of its power, but the starfire has been tempered, like a blade hammered thin. The light glitters crystalline sharp as ever, but it has lost its raw magnitude and its blinding brilliance. "That night ..."
"Amatsu Mikaboshi told me what you tried to do. And what it would have cost me."
"Sai," Hikaru reaches out, but the child ... no ... man ... turns his head. It is not quite a flinch, but it forces Hikaru to withdraw anyway. "My people, I had to .."
He stops, aware that any further words would tumble uselessly against the stillness in the body before him. "I have no excuses; I will allow myself none. I can't imagine how you must have felt that night..."
"No. You can't." Sai voice remains steady, though Hikaru can see the faintest twitch in the fingers holding the flute. "I told myself it was but a childish dream. Or a nightmare."
Hikaru can only stand silent. Sai speaks as if he was addressing the sky or the clouds or something equally unimportant. "It took a long while, but I finally convinced myself, since I didn't see any of you again."
"Nobody dared to come, not with Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi's curse," Hikaru tries to move toward Sai again, but the young man keeps the distance between them. One step forward leads to another step back. If the scent and the eyes had not been the same, Hikaru might have deceived himself into believing this was not the same child who used to play so trustingly with him.
Hikaru lets his hands fall to his sides. He cannot deceive himself, and he has promised no more excuses. "What happened to you, afterwards?"
"Not much," Sai finally lowers the flute, but his long fingers keep running up and down its polished length. "I was sent to the court that morning. And in Heiankyo, there was much to learn. Many lessons beyond Go that I had to face."
Hikaru looks up at that. There is almost a note of ... sadness ... in the young man's voice. "What did they do to you?"
Anger makes him bare his fangs, and he is as surprised by his reaction as he is by its intensity.
"Nothing more than what had to be done. I had to learn, for there is little use in Heiankyo for children who misbehave or who have been touched by the night wanderers," Sai's voice remains neutral. "But though the guards and priests were very skilled at catching young boys who were out of bed and bounds, I did look for you. For a long time, I looked."
"I did not know," Hikaru closes his eyes. The leaves fall between them, and he wishes he could drift away as well and forget this mortal. "After all that happened ... I honestly thought it was for the best."
"Perhaps," Sai shrugs. "But back then, I didn't understand that. I even stopped playing for awhile, waiting for you. I think I would have given up playing mortal opponents forever. But you never came back."
"Sai ..." Hikaru cannot try to explain, for he truly cannot even begin to comprehend. Sai had waited for him. Had looked for him, even given the threat of punishment or worse. Why? Mortals are supposed to be accustomed to losing and loss. He had thought the child would have given up after a few nights. He had expected anger at his reappearance. But this? "You stopped playing? But you loved the game ..."
There. Hikaru blinks at the flicker of emotion that finally breaks through Sai's exterior. For a moment as brief as a breath, Hikaru sees the young child he had left behind, lost and lonely in a new world, with neither family nor friends to help him. Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi may have cursed Sai, but Hell is not the only one to blame for his suffering.
Sai bows his head slightly. Waves of ebony hair sweep forward, hiding his face. This strange, half-somber placidity disturbs Hikaru. Is there any joy in life left in this child who now is a man?
"Only for a little while, then? You started playing again, didn't you? You must have had to, in order to stay in the court. You must still play. Don't you?" Somehow, this question overshadows even the deep need which has sent him forth in the daylight hours.
"Yes. I play. In fact, it is my life now," for the first time, a spark enters the young voice, a flare of the old childish enthusiasm, lost in the otherwise all too mature body.
The fire has not disappeared then -- it has just dampened itself from Hikaru's view. He bristles. Perhaps he deserves this coldness, but he does not have to like it.
"It ...pleases me to hear that. Your play was impressive, even when you were a kit. I wager that your current games are exquisite," Hikaru does not know whether it is relief or jealousy that sieves through him. Whatever the emotion, it doesn't matter. He cannot afford either at the moment. "It is ... good you still play."
"It was what I was sent to Heiankyo to do, wasn't it? To play Go and to redeem the family honor. I am a Go sensei, just like I always wished. I am the tutor to the Emperor himself."
"Then, you're ... happy?"
"I am growing in Go. I never would have had the chance in your court."
"No, you wouldn't have. You had to play mortal souls in order to grow, both in Go and in other things." Hikaru meets Sai's gaze steadily, for he is the Lord of the Kitsune, and he will not flinch, not even from his own mistakes. However, acceptance of this isn't easy. Admitting it is even harder.
"It was difficult at first. But now ... now every day is filled with Go, and it makes it worth what I went through in the beginning. Even if it was a thousand times harder, it would be worth it," again, a flash of his past fire kindles in Sai's voice, growing brighter and brighter as he mentions the game. The nameless sensation twists in Hikaru once more, that something which exists beyond the boundaries of wonder, which only this mortal could inspire within him.
For even under a curse from the Demon Lord, the star souled child has not bent nor bowed.
And today he must crush this child's peace again. His legs falter under him, and he almost changes back to his four footed form. Things are simpler, closer to the earth. Here, standing face to face with one he has truly failed, for the first time in his immortality, the Lord of the Foxes knows the feeling of the rabbit-on-the-run.
So this is regret, Hikaru thinks, this reluctant facing of yourself without a mask, without illusions, when all you have done and have failed to do must be stared eye to eye.
"Osusuki -- leave. Don't drag me back to a place I don't belong, and to a time I rather not remember." Sai folds his arms together, and his face smoothes itself into a carefully neutral expression.
"Wait. I will go, but not before you listen to me. There have been rumors of late regarding Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi and what he plans to do with you." Hikaru grabs the young man's arm, forcing Sai to face him.
"He has not forgotten how you defied him and I hear ... I hear you have enemies in this court. You have grown too popular and too bright, and others resent this. They are moving against you even now, and the Lord of Darkness will use them to serve his own means. For your own sake, you must leave Heiankyo."
"And go where? To the kitsune court?" Finally, Hikaru hears it, that mocking note that belies a deep anger. He latches onto it; anger he can deal with.
"If you want. I can take you anywhere in this mortal plane and beyond -- places where they've never heard of the Heian court, where they don't even know what Go is. Just think -- you can introduce a whole new people to your love of the game, teach them about the flow of each move, or show them how to create stars. It'll be just like you always dreamed. Or you could try something else. You are still young, and you have many talents ..."
Sai pulls away, turning his back to Hikaru again. " I am the Emperor's tutor, and until he dismisses me, I cannot leave.To step down would mean disgracing myself and my family. I will not lose my ranking just because you dangle a few promises in front of me. It is a matter of honor."
"No, it is not!" Hikaru swirls around to face the young mortal. "It is a matter of your soul!"
"You can't separate one from the other. Unlike your kind, we humans don't work that way," the words sting, and the pain is worse because he knows that Sai has meant them to hurt. "Enough. I will not fall for your temptations or your games. My soul is my own. Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi's curse means nothing to me. I have sworn to stay and teach the Emperor. More than that, staying here is vital to where I am heading with my skills. There is nowhere else I can achieve my goal."
"Your ... goal?" Hikaru almost wishes that Sai was a kitsune. He knows how to deal with his kind. Battles with words or battles with fang and claw he can handle. But this ... a battle of half-silences, where the barbs fly unseen and unexpectedly... he has to be careful here, if he is to remain the hunter and not the hunted.
"To become the greatest player ever -- to reach the Hand of God. I can attain this in the Emperor's court. After all, isn't the Emperor a god himself? I move closer to the divine moves just by being in his presence. And the players who are here are the best in all the land. The patterns that form ... they do not appear anywhere else. I can only reach my goal here."
"But what about other matters, beyond Go? You can still play the game elsewhere. Once, you were even happy playing on a board made of dirt scratches, with stones you picked up off the ground. You loved the game for itself, not for its moves, and definitely not for its power."
"I am not a child anymore, and I will not play as one. I need opponents who can challenge me. Beyond that, I am truly happy here. I play as much as I wish, day in and day out. My family is happy here. My mother and grandmother receive the respect they have so long craved, and my father ... is proud of me. Because of my high position, we have been given back our old quarters in the capital, and we have regained the honor we once lost."
"If such pomp and circumstance are what you desire, then you might as well have stayed in my court. You could have had challenging opponents there too. The mortal court may have helped you grow in Go, but in other things ... no matter what they taught you, you have not learned enough. Heiankyo has not been kind to you, Fujiwara no Sai."
Human and kitsune stare at each other, neither backing down. Hunt or be hunted. That is the first law. Hikaru refuses to be the one to fall first.
"Even I -- whose very nature lies in conjunction with games and trickery and shallow illusions -- can see this. Why can't you? It is not the game that matters. Yes, you have talent in Go. Even a blind and deaf mortal left only with a sense of smell could tell you that. But what really marks you is not that one talent, but the inner fire and passion which fuels your brilliance. It is that which draws us to you, Fujiwara no Sai -- that which shows itself in how you play the game, not in the game itself."
"Then I must apologize for my most rude remarks, but I will have to agree to disagree with you, oh Lord of the Kitsune. I have played for a long time now, and I have learned that only one thing remains constant. And it is not who I used to play," Sai turns his head away, though it is not a gesture of defeat. "Please... just leave. Heiankyo is my home. I cannot ... I will not follow you into the wandering night anymore."
"Sai ..."
"That's Fujiwara-sensei to you, Osusuki-sama. Now, please ... I humbly beg for you to leave my lowly presence, milord."
The words might as well have been a slap to Hikaru's face. The mortal has won; he is truly the rabbit-on-the-run, with its neck caught helplessly in a snare. The flawless delivery of the bow, the perfect cold sweep of the arm as Sai treats him as any of his courtiers would -- he would rather take a sword to the stomach.
"Sai .... Sai!" Hikaru tries one last time. The rage that has been missing from Sai seems to have seeped into him. "Ignore me now at your own peril. I am the Lord of the Foxes, and I do not give warnings lightly. If you persist in this, then I will leave you to your fate!"
Sai merely bows yet again before backing away. Hikaru dares not follow as the mortal wades back through the wind blown grass. The Heian Court has many safeguards against the wanderers and among these are legions of sword wielding monks. If it was only them, however, he might have tried further.
But night, too, threatens him with its inexorable approach. With it comes the things that travel within the darkness, things he cannot let see him in conjunction with Sai. The irony makes Hikaru twitch his ears; he, a lord of the night wanderers, afraid of the deepening shadows like some unweaned human cub? He wishes he could laugh, but there is little humor left within him now. It seems the child has taken that, as well.
He must return to his court. However, for as long as he can, Hikaru keeps his eyes on the ever receding back of the brightest soul he has ever seen. Something in him, as true as the first instinct, murmurs that it is probably one of the last times he will see that soul within the confines of its mortality.
The seasons shift, and the deep gold of autumn slides into the grey mundanity of winter. With the silent season comes a new kind of darkness, a kind of darkness that a fox spirit knows well to avoid, a kind of darkness that not even truesight can pierce. It is the night unending.
All kitsune cubs are taught two things, after they first open their trueyes. One is to never look straight at the stars. The other is that though they are creatures of the wandering night, there are places in the absolute darkness even they cannot go. Shadows need a source to cast them, and illusions in the dark are not illusions at all.
Winter stirs itself into spring. The new season is indeed a spectacular one. Those gifted only with mortal sight can find no fault with the azure blue of the sky, the sweet scent of the newly budding blossoms, and the gentle caress of sunshine reborn. Hikaru, though gifted with something beyond mortal sight, can see nothing beyond the twin watchtowers of duty and debt which burn within him.
He must get back to the boy, but he cannot -- nor does he dare -- cross the night unending. Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi' punishments, by nature, are legendary. And the Lord of Evil is beginning to suspect something about the Lord of the Kitsune. Wherever Hikaru goes now, he senses the shadows watching.
Sai or his people. A decision has to be made. Though born timeless, Hikaru is running out of time. Already, plans began to converge and mix, and the darkness in Heiankyo is like a mountain blocking out the moon. Soon, very soon ... the basest part of him, the part consigned to the pact of hunter and hunted recognizes the last, still seconds before the throat tearing leap.
Hikaru has seen the span of many years, from century to century, until he has almost three millennia under his fur. However, he is not so old that he can remember the birth of the stars, and he has never seen one die before. Not until this night, that is.
The night unending has finally receded from the waking world, leaving Hikaru free to roam wherever he wishes with his own shaded power.Yet, his illusions are difficult to hold, for he knows of only one reason for the shadows' departure. He runs, until the breath is tight against his throat, runs until the wind strips his fur bare, runs until he seems to race time itself ...
But even as his paws hit the mortal earth, he knows.
And he can only watch as the young form stumbles out of the house. The sliding doors shut firmly. A flickering candle from within the room causes the objects inside to project large against the paper screens. It is like seeing a bizarre mockery of a children's shadow play; the dark shapes of Sai's parents shake and bow together, forming the classical posture of grief. The silence of the scene speaks its own language.
Finally, the figures turn away, taking the light with them, and the audience of two watches them go. Sai totters upright, his motions stilted and uncertain. His first step nearly sends him tumbling towards the ground again. His next step is just as bad. Still, he continues, slowly, painfully. It occurs to Hikaru that Sai looks like a newborn trying to learn the basic motions of life ... and failing badly at it.
Hikaru has never seen a birth of a star before. He wishes that he hasn't seen this death.
"Sai ..." he calls, his own four feet awkward and unsteady as he paces alongside the drooping human. "Sai! Listen to me ..."
The young human trips. He does not put out his hands to catch himself. Instead, he crumples earthward, in a puddle of white cloth and lays there unmoving. A murmur, too faint even for a kitsune's sensitive ears, brushes the air. Perhaps Sai calls for his mother or his father. Perhaps he cries against fate or for absolution. Or perhaps he whispers the name of what he has lost.
Even as the Lord of the Kitsune, Hikaru does not know.
"Sai?"
There is no response beyond the light whir of the young man's breath. The sound is so soft. So fragile.
"Sai ..."
Nothing. Not even the slightest hint of a response from the fallen figure. With a sickening jolt, Hikaru realizes that the human does not see nor hear him ... in fact, cannot see nor hear ...
"Sai!" He circles the prone form. "Have you lost your truesight? You used to see me, even shadowed as I am now. You can't have lost ..."
No, the human has lost even more than that.
"Kitling..." he sits by the body, almost close enough to touch. "I am here. You just have to look."
But Sai does not.
Two days pass in quick succession. The mortal has stopped trying to take care of himself; he does not eat nor does he sleep. Sai walks as if the ground is giving way beneath his feet. His clothing, so well tended before, drag behind him like a fallen banner. His hands, so skillful at so many things, hang like wounded birds at his side. But it is his once vibrant eyes that have changed the most -- eyes that see neither the wandering world nor the waking one, eyes have turned inward and become flat with grief.
Is this what mortal despair encompasses, then, this lessening of the senses until nothing but sadness remains?
The thought leaves a taste like ash in Hikaru's mouth. He remembers the weight of the child dangling from his jaws that first night, heavy and warm. Almost like his own kits.
It is not as simple as taking Sai home again, for no such place exists now. Nor can he go for the throat, as he should have back then. He could forcibly manifest and and shake the human until he comes to his senses, but that -- or anything else he might try -- would undoubtedly bring Amatsu Mikaboshi's wrath upon his people.
However, if Sai were to look for him or to ask for help, then Hikaru would be within his rights to act. Consent is the key. He cannot move without it; he has already made that mistake once. But this one hope keeps him by the human's side, waiting. If only ...
But Sai does not.
A soft sound comes from the human ... not a whimper, not a whine, but a whispering stir of air -- a breath that is different from the others. Almost like relief. Almost like resignation. Almost like . . .
Hikaru feels every hair in his body shiver on end, and suddenly, he knows his decision. Whether Sai wills it or not, Hikaru cannot ... he will not ... his illusions swirl around him, and he takes hold, ready to rip through to ...
He never has a chance.
"Osusuki ..." the summons strikes a deep chord him, and the world shakes as the Demon Lord strips away at reality.
No! Hikaru twists frantically. He cannot leave Sai, not now, not in this state ...
"Come! I summon you, and you must obey."
His paws cannot hold onto the mortal sphere, and his fur chills as he enters Hell ...
"Osusuki, I am disappointed at you."
"M-my most gracious lord! I do not know what you mean ... is this not what you wanted? Your plan has worked brilliantly, as only your plans could. I just wanted to see the end result of your artistry, for I have much to learn as a lowly wanderer."
"Are you trying to lie to me, O Lord of the Foxes? Remember who I am. I know your deepest heart. I know what you tried to do. And though your little star souled mortal may be suffering, he has still somehow managed to escape my domain and my grasp. This vexes me greatly."
Pain ... pain beyond Hikaru's understanding lashes through him, pain that chokes off any thought ...
"What a pity you did not learn from the first time you tried to interfere. You gained nothing then, and you will gain nothing now. The mortal still suffers, whether or not I have him. But this time -- you will suffer as well. But not only you."
"My lord, please, I beg of you ..."
"For your trespass, I will punish all of your kind. Next year and every year after that, for nine hundred and ninety nine years, I will come on the Night of the All Wandering. If, at the end of this time, you have not brought me either Sai's star soul or one just as bright, then I will take your people to Hell and they will be mine forever."
Then pain is all he knows, burning and freezing at once .... pain ....
Perhaps an eternity passes. Perhaps not. The first thing Hikaru feels beyond lashing agony is the gentle caress of his mate's tongue against his fur. She cleans him as if he is a newborn kit, and her eyes are compassionate. He knows, however, that some things can never wash away.
"My love ... you have suffered so much."
"Not enough. Never enough. I've destroyed our people."
She washes him gently behind his ears. "Or perhaps you've given us a chance to change." She pauses and in that one, breaking moment, Hikaru realizes there remains much to learn, least of all in the shape of his mate and in the way she still curls against him, despite all he has done. Still so much left to wonder at, now that time is no longer infinite for him or his people.
"Change," he repeats. "Yes. For the first time ... I must look ... forward ..." he blinks.
"But before that, you must first look ... Osusuki ..." Her golden eyes seem to hold the sorrow of the world.
He knows. Even before she says a word, he knows.
"Go to him," she whispers, and he totters forth on broken paws. Each step hurts, though he does not whimper or cry. Some things are painful beyond that which one can give voice to, so he does not try.
But it is the last sight that cuts the most, that threatens to mute his voice forever with its terrible ephemerality.
Unique fragility. He understands now.
The river is calm, and its currents run so deep and slow that they do not disturb the image of the full moon that rests upon its glassy face. The river reeds dip and sway in the gentle night breeze, and a few white petals of some late blooming flower slip serenely downstream. Somewhere in the distance, an owl shakes off the day's slumber and spreads its white wings. And below the surface ... just below ...
The last, fading echoes of a fallen star glimmer out.
"No!" Hikaru's voice sounded strange in his throat. The world spun around him, and confusion littered his thoughts. Which memories were his own ... which memories were Osusuki's ... the pain from the vision of Hell and the vision of ... "S-SAI! NO!"
"Relax, Shindo Hikaru. Breathe deeply. You are yourself again," a light touch to his wrist took away most of his memories of that brief, terrifying visit to Hell. It was like learning to breathe fresh air again, after a life of smoke and fog. "You're fine now ..."
Hikaru wasn't too sure of that, however. Images still cascaded in his mind, of Sai sprawled across the earth... of that last glimpse of him in the water. It was only when he tasted salt in his mouth that he realized he was crying.
"I know he .... but I didn't know it was like ..." Hikaru swiped his eyes with a sleeve. The tears kept coming, though, no matter how roughly he scrubbed them away. "They threw him away ... over just one, stupid, lousy game?"
"Mortals get hung up on the most silly things ... like face and status. I don't think anyone realized, not even Sai, that honor has nothing to do with either of those. However, it wasn't only `one, stupid, lousy game.'"
Osusuki turned away, and Hikaru caught a streak of silver as the kitsune's claws flashed briefly in the air. He did not know what Osusuki was fighting, for there was no one else in the clearing, but he could understand the feeling. If he had claws, he would be slashing them too.
"As a child of a dispossessed nobility, but with a talent to rise quickly in the ranks, you can probably guess how popular he was in the court -- as well as know how much of that popularity was based on loyalty. Sai's world may have been completely composed of Go, but that's not what all of the Heian court is about. I don't think he ever truly understood that. Despite what Sai tried to project, in the end, he still was such a trusting soul at heart."
Osusuki's voice vibrated at a point just under a growl. It made Hikaru's skin prickle, and he instinctively shifted backwards. "If I had known, I would have ended it the first night I met him. It would have been quicker and a lot less painful."
"But it is not just you mortals alone. I failed him as well. After we wanderers abandoned him, all he had left to believe in was the game. He loved it as a child ... yes ... but afterwards, it was literally his life. Thus, when his opponent cheated that last time, when even the game failed him ... If I've learned one thing about you mortals, it that you need hope and faith more than even air to live. When all you believe in life rejects you, where do you go?"
Hikaru felt his mouth opening and closing, very much like a giant baby bird. Finally, an ungainly squawk emerged, further enhancing that image. "Whaaaaaa?! No!"
"I'm not saying that suicide was the correct path, but he was tired. And it was the easiet way out. Though, it wasn't as simple as losing a game and being banished. He lost himself. Perhaps, even more than that. You must also remember who and what depended on his games as well."
Hikaru twisted his damp sleeves in his hands. "Man, that sucks. It's not great that my parents are clueless about me. I wouldn't mind if they came to a game or two. But at least they let me play without bugging me about winning. No one needs me to win but me. If it was like that ..." Hikaru swallowed.
Osusuki nodded at the growing look of horror on the boy's face. "It would be like what Sai faced every day back then. He was free to play as much as he wanted, but he wasn't ever really free. Not like you are. Not with his family depending on him like that. And yet, he still truly loved the game, despite the pressure. That's how the curse ran as it did."
Hikaru shivered, and his gaze drifted out beyond the trees. "No wonder he never talks about the Heian court or the curse or why he ... died. It's so sad."
"Perhaps so, if you look at his death purely as an end. But the fact that you are here proves that it is not. Besides, you also told me that Sai didn't consider his fate as a curse. I wonder if he sees his afterlife as a punishment from Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi...or as grace given from Kami-sama to carry on his quest after his first failure." A half smile flitted across Osusuki's face.
"It WOULD be like him to turn a curse into a blessing. He always had a different view of the world than most of us ... immortal or mortal. So stop your snot laden sniffling. Sai didn't let Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi win. Somehow, he still managed to find happiness ..."
"What!?"
"He found Torajiro."
Stricken, Hikaru stood silent for several moments. As usual, the mere mention of his predecessor's name made his throat close, and his breath felt tight and rather painful in his chest. He shoved his hands into his sleeves, creating a barrier of cloth between him and the kitsune. "Great. Him again."
"Now, now, watch that jealousy. It is not one of your more finer emotions."
Hikaru glared, stamping a foot for good measure. "I am not jealous! And what do you know about Torajiro anyway?! Have you been spying on Sai all this time?!"
"No. When I gave you permission to have access to my memories, in return, you gave me the same right to enter yours -- as well as that small part of Sai which remains in you at all times."
Hikaru blinked, jarred abruptly out of his brooding by the kitsune's revelation. "All my memories? That means you've been spying on my brain?! Waaaait. ALL my memories ... even the ..."
"Yes, all your memories. Stop gawking -- they're not really of interest to me. To tell the truth, they are exceptionally mundane, except for the bits where you keep getting lost." Osusuki gave a small, half smile as Hikaru smacked both hands against his head. "Though there is one part that I didn't quite understand. You carry many more things in your head than you may even know."
"What?!" Hikaru felt dizzy. The kitsune paced slowly around the boy, head tilted slightly as if trying to peer at Hikaru from another angle. "Why are you looking at me like that? What do you mean?! UUGGH! Stop messing with my brain. First Sai, then you ... it's like I have a welcome mat out or something! I don't have anything in my mind!"
"Well, I am not going to argue with that," Osusuki snorted as Hikaru hit his forehead again. "It is mostly just porn, manga, and Go in that empty space you call a brain. Rather sad, really."
"I do NOT think about porn!" Hikaru stamped his other foot.
"That, somehow, makes it even more sad. But no need to get so fussy. Hmph. As if I cared about the strange mating habits of you humans. What was interesting to me, though, is that bit of Sai in you. You have never been in there, have you? Seriously, I don't think you know the depths of your own mind. That is very dangerous, Shindo Hikaru, not to mention worrisome. Especially with what we face tonight," Osusuki's voice dropped. Hikaru had a feeling the kitsune was not merely sniping at him anymore. "At any rate, through Torajiro, Sai had a chance to show the world his greatness -- a chance that he was denied in his own lifetime."
"Yeah, yeah, Torajiro let Sai play," still hidden by the folds of his gown, Hikaru's hands clenched. Only when he felt his arms twinge did he notice just how tightly he was holding himself in.
"But you were different from him."
"So, you're gonna tell me that I've been an idiot not to let him play? That I deserve to be thrown to He Who Kicks Puppies For Fun? I know that already!" Hikaru brought an arm up to wipe at his nose again. "That's what you've been wanting to say all night, right?"
"Ah, so it's self pity now. You really shouldn't do that. It's not good for you. But ....no. Though I wish to save Sai, I will not say that." Osusuki made a twirling motion with his fingers. A large white handkerchief appeared. "Here, stop... leaking."
Hikaru grabbed the handkerchief. His sleeves were becoming rather untidy, and it was hard to scowl when his face felt stiff from all the tears.
"Not letting Sai play is perhaps the best thing you could've done for him." Osusuki finally said, after Hikaru finished scrubbing.
"Okay, I'm not following you. Let's see ... after being cursed and killing himself, Sai's forced to wander around from goban to goban watching games but not playing. Of course, he then meets Mr. "I'm Too Perfect For My Pants " Torajiro, who dies before he can help Sai reach the hand of God, which probably just makes Sai even more sadder. And THEN, to top it ALL off, he lands in me, who doesn't even let him play ... how is this a good thing?"
The anger boiled hot and thick within him. Only when he heard a dull, tearing sound did he realize the extent of his rage. He had managed to rip the sturdy linen handkerchief in half. But who am I really angry at?
"It's like I'm helping Lord ..."
The scraps of the cloth fluttered from his hands as realization dawned. Perhaps it wasn't Osusuki who deserved to be ripped into fraying pieces. "I was ... I was supposed to help Sai, wasn't I? But instead, I'm torturing him. I'm a part of the curse ... I make him watch instead of letting him play, I tell him that he's a pain ....I'm a part of the curse ..."
"Oh please. Don't even start with the 'it's all my fault' type of angsting you humans seem so fond of doing. Your sense of dramatics is overshadowing any iota of reasoning ... not that you had much to begin with," Osusuki glanced at his empty teacup and raised an eyebrow.
Cultural habit made Hikaru reach for the teapot and refill the cup for the kitsune. Osusuki glanced curiously at him, as if waiting for some smart remark or perhaps another crowing, kettle-laden attack. When none came, the kitsune reached over, took the teapot, and refilled Hikaru's cup as well. Wordlessly, the boy curled his fingers around the bone white porcelain, despite the heat.
"Still moping? Before you start moaning and groaning and spouting bad poetry or whatever you modern humans do when you're being hard on yourselves, just listen. Have my memories not helped you at all? When he met Torajiro, the boy had already started on the path of Go. But Torajiro was too kind ..."
Pushing the teacup away from him, Hikaru put his head into the circle of his arms. The liquid in the cup shivered as his fingertips brushed the rounded edge. He heard what sounded like a sigh coming from the kitsune.
"Through Torajiro, like I said, Sai got to unleash all his frustration about never being known for his Go. However, while Sai was allowed to grow in Go, he wasn't able to grow in spirit. Torajiro never challenged him in that aspect. I would even go as far as saying that Sai made a mistake with Torajiro ...that they both made a mistake."
"Mistake?!" Hikaru lifted his head. "Yeah, right. Torajiro was Mr. Perfect. He never made mistakes. You should hear Sai go on about him. Torajiro did this and Torajiro did that ... I'm surprised he didn't make me build a shrine. "
"Ah. Well, far be it from me to change your opinion of your old rival."
"He's not my rival!"
"Perhaps I've used the wrong wording. The old ghost of your ghost, then. It doesn't matter."
Osusuki drained his teacup, smacking his lips slightly. "Torajiro worshipped Sai fanatically. However, worship holds its own inherent responsibility, limits and pitfalls. In his kindness, Torajiro has inadvertently wounded Sai, just as with his selfishness, Sai hurt Torajiro irreparably. The true tragedy is that they never realized what they did to each other."
The kitsune snorted as Hikaru numbly shook his head in disbelief. "Believe what you will. I have not lied to you. I may be a Lord of Illusions, but there has to be a kernel of truth at the base of whatever I weave. At least trust me on this. Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi will take advantage of whatever guilt ... false or otherwise ... you hold. So you better know what you truly are responsible for tonight. Otherwise you might end up taking on burdens you cannot handle. You are hardly an extension of the curse, even given your admittedly boorish and unrefined behavior. Sai needs you and your stubborn attitude, more than worship, more than respect, even more than he needs to play."
"More than he needs to play?" Hikaru felt like laughing, though he only managed a half strangled choking sound instead. "You really didn't look at those memories too good, did you? We fight all the time over who plays. No matter what you say, Sai an' Torajiro never fought, and he sure likes ol' Shuusako better than he likes me. And now it's gotten to the point where only one of us can play and go forward. And ..."
Hikaru felt the rest of his words drain away.
"His Go is better than yours."
"Yeah." Hikaru nodded halfheartedly, feeling as if someone had poked a hole somewhere in his stomach. His world certainly felt as if it was deflating.
"However, it is your life. He threw his away." Osusuki clicked his claws on his teacup, then shook his head. "It seems we've come full circle, Shindo Hikaru. So I ask you again, what does Sai mean to you? And does Go really form the best part of your relationship? Think, this time, instead of merely reacting."
Hikaru pushed his sleeves back, absently scratching his arms. Is Go the best part? The thought unnerved him, though for no reason he could quite pinpoint.
"Well, yes and no," he said slowly as he reconsidered how he and Sai spent most of their time together.
"It's ... half of what we share, I guess. A BIG half. We play at least one game every night. But most days, if I don't go to the insei building or to a study session, we just ...do stuff together. Like goof around in the park or hang in the manga store. Sometimes, he plays his flute for me, or I show him something cool and modern, like the arcade. And when we don't go anywhere or I'm too tired to play, we just talk about stupid crap. He's got these really weird ideas, and it's really funny to see what he thinks about the twenty-first century. Y'know ... we ... just do ... stuff. It might change now that I'm a pro, and I know the fighting is gonna get worse, but I think ... I hope we'll still do some other things besides Go."
Hikaru realized he was babbling, but he couldn't seem to stop. "But the best part ... No. It's not the games. Or how's he's helped me. Or that he's my friend. It's all of that together... but that's not it either. I don't know how to explain it. It's kinda like how you can't explain about what Sai means to you either, specially when you look at the sakura trees. It's not the same feeling between me an' him, but it's the same ... kinda ... not being able to talk about it." Hikaru itched the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Things just ... work."
Osusuki lifted an eyebrow, his eyes narrowing slightly. "I ... see."
Hikaru tugged at the collar to his robes one last time. "Okay, so I don't know what the best part is. But I do know my favorite time with him. It sounds real stupid, but I really like when we're just ... quiet ... together. Like sometimes, after a really good game, we just sit and chill, and we don't need to talk cause we just know what the other's thinking -- and I'm not talking 'bout our mindlink -- we just ... know. Because we're together. I can just sit with myself and not need anything else."
Hikaru paused, feeling slightly embarrassed. He was not quite sure why he had rambled on so long, especially if Osusuki knew his memories already. The Lord of the Kitsune didn't seem to mind listening, though the fox spirit was not exactly Hikaru's first choice for a confessor. The night was definitely becoming stranger with each passing moment.
"Has it ever occurred to you, then, that while he may have taught you how to sit with yourself, in turn, you have taught him how to be himself again. And ... that there is something more important to him than even his Go."
Osusuki leaned back, his green eyes glittering strangely. "Despite all your prickly arguments and petty rivalries, in your own way, you have given Sai as much joy as you have pain. Through you, since you knew nothing about the game -- as he's forced to take you through each step -- he's rediscovering his own first joy, the one that came before he knew anything about hands of God or playing for power. With you, there are no restrictions on how he must behave. He show his true joy at just being."
The bright memory of a certain ghost jumping up and down in pure excitement at just playing him -- all of Sai's odd, immature behaviors ... it made a strange sort of sense, in light of what the kitsune had said. The childish earnestness that Sai usually displayed towards him ... it matched what Hikaru had seen in Osusuki's first memories of the ghost.
Hikaru spent a long moment tracing haphazard patterns across the wood of the table as his mind spun, trying to condense his thoughts into an one comprehensible theory. With the other half of the kitsune's memories, Hikaru could also finally understand where the more serious, adult Sai, the one he had seen since he had blundered blindly into the wandering night, had come from as well. The contrast made his stomach ache, though whether from sadness or anger, he did not know.
"You understand at last, don't you? Your "annoying, whiny, and bratty" Sai, the one you know now, could have never survived in the Heian court back then. In the world of willow and silk, of face and status, where one's true nature had to be disguised by a fan, a sleeve, or pretty words, Sai and his passion ... well ... he had to change. The same goes for what he had with Torajiro, who was a child at the time they met. He could hardly be himself then either."
Osusuki shrugged. "Your relationship with Sai is infinitely more complex than any he has ever had, even with us wanderers, for you don't see Sai simply as a Go genius, a star-souled child, or as someone with which to gain favor with the court. On the most basic level, you're Sai's friend, his very best friend. You're giving him back that one part of his heart he sacrificed to become who he is. Though ... even you sacrificed that piece of yourself, once. I remember your memories. Your worlds, though different outwardly, may not be as far apart as you think."
Hikaru thought of Akari, Mitani, and Tsutsui -- the ones he had to leave behind. And of Waya and Isumi, and how they and the other insei rarely mentioned a life outside Go. When they did talk about it, most of the time the stories were unpleasant. In some ways, society had not changed too much from the time of willow and silk. Perhaps the length of their robes had shortened, and fans and sleeves had been exchanged for other cloying distractions, but life could be just as cruel and cutting now as it was then, especially to those who were perceived as "different" or "gifted." This was doubly true, Hikaru realized wryly, if you were "gifted" in a competitive area such as Go. Especially there, actually -- true friendships were rare. The relationships of the insei were always tinged with rivalry.
Like my relationship with Touya ... actually, he's kinda like Sai was, back then, all alone because he's so smart. Hikaru blinked at the sudden, unexpected thought. Apparently, hanging with a kitsune did odd things to one's brain -- like give it unexpected insights. Geez, I guess I am lucky to have someone to come with me, especially someone like ...
"You and Sai ... your paths are combined, and you don't have to walk it alone. With you, Sai has had to temper his goals. With you, he chases both the Hand of God and the path of helping you grow, equally. Or perhaps the two ... teaching and the Hand of God ... are connected somehow. Because with you, his starfire burns even more brightly than when I first met him. I know you don't understand now, nor do you believe me. You won't until much later, I wager, given the vast depths of ignorance that goes around masquerading as your brain."
"HEY!"
"But Sai does have a reason to thank you. As do my people."
"Your people?"
"Nine hundred and ninety nine years ends tonight."
"Oh..." Hikaru rubbed his head as the reality of his situation came crashing back down upon him. For a moment, he had been so caught in learning about Sai (and about himself, in retrospect) that he had forgotten about the game. "Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi ... near the end ... when he was torturing us ... I mean, you ... he said he would take all the kitsune to Hell ...."
"Yes."
"That's why you needed MY soul ... " Hikaru stared at Osusuki. "If it wasn't for Sai ...I'd be demon kibble."
"Yes." Osusuki did not even bother to try to deny it.
"How many people have you ..."
"Don't ask. I will not regret acting as I must. But if it helps soothe your little mortal morals, every soul that has ever passed through the wandering night has not been forced here, nor do I trap them here once they have come. I merely open the gateway between our worlds. They are to the ones who step through. And to most of them, this is a wonderful time of magic and dreams, of illusions made real. And at the end of their stay, a princely being would come and offer them whatever the wished for. The choice is always theirs alone."
"How many ..."
"Don't ask," Osusuki repeated. "They had a choice. They always have a choice."
"I didn't get a choice! Sai asked you to let me leave and look! I'm still here!"
"As I've said before, your soul is different. You travel with one of the wandering night, and your star aura ... well ... the rules are different as well. You do have a choice, but that choice is much more complicated than simply staying or leaving. Nonetheless, you are still proving quite hard to sacrifice.You are a lot like your mentor, you know?"
"But even if Sai does win, Amatsu Mikaboshi will get still his soul for a thousand years." Hikaru closed his eyes. "Your people have been saved, Osusuki ... sama."
"I never meant to condemn him to Hell. I thought that I could convince you to give your soul to Lord Mikaboshi willingly. Or, on the chance that you took me up on my offer to let you leave, then the game would have been declared void, for the stakes would have changed. This would also mean that Sai would not be bound to a thousand years in Hell, for he would not be the one who broke the contract. However, it did have one down side in that, upon your death, you'd be condemned to Hell for abandoning your sensei to save your own skin."
"What?! Oh thank you VERY much. I can't believe ... You know, even if I was that dumb, Sai still probably wouldn't just hand me over. We're both not like that."
"I know. I did not say it was the best plan." Osusuki shrugged. "Especially since it didn't work. I realize now that if anything had happened to you, Sai would ... anyway, the best I can do is keep you here, shield your thoughts, and give Sai the best chance to save you at least. I am helping, as much as I can."
"But keeping ME safe doesn't help him at ALL with the thousand years in Hell thing!"
The Lord of the Kitsune looked away. "It's the best I can do. Otherwise, both of you will face an eternity in Hell, and that is definitely --"
"Osusuki-sama! Osusuki-saaaaama!!"
The high childish voice made both Hikaru and the Lord of the Kitsune freeze. Hikaru felt an odd sense of almost-deja-vue-but-not-quite as Kojoro skidded into the clearing, tumbling into an earth hugging bow before them.
"Kojoro, what is it?"
"M-milord, Kinyuki-sama has been looking everywhere for you! Everyone has! It's Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi ... he ....he's demanding you bring the human back to the game!"
Wordlessly, Hikaru and Osusuki stared at one another. The fox spirit abruptly clenched one hand upon his mask. The other rolled into a fist so tight that Hikaru could see small beads of blood well up between the fingers, in a parallel row below the knuckles. Kitsune, apparently, could bleed.
"I guess I have failed him, even in this."
For Hikaru, the world seemed to shake, as if the ground had melted away to jelly. Or perhaps he was the one who was shaking. He couldn't tell. Sai's going to be cheated in the game. Again. But this time ...
This time ... it'll be MY fault ...
To be continued ...
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