In the Forests of the Night
A Hikaru no Go Ghost Story
This chapter is again dedicated to her supreme editor-ness, Imbrium. If she did not help, you would not be reading this. (So don't go after her with the pointy sticks, okay?)
Part 8a: Twisting Sinews of the Heart
"Kojoro, go back to the game and tell Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi that I will be there shortly, with Shindo-kun in tow. Express to him my deepest apologies for being absent when he required my presence," Osusuki said.
Kojoro stiffened and canted her head slightly to the side. Hikaru could not read her expression through her mask, but he guessed that he and Osusuki must have made quite a sight -- he with his rumpled robes and red, tear-blurred eyes and the Kitsune Lord with his maskless, bruised face.
"Kojoro, you have your orders. However ... make sure you present yourself properly. None of this rushing back to the game, tails over head. Do you understand?"
"Yes, milord," apparently, the young kitsune had decided that her continued survival depended on not commenting on what she saw. She bent herself into a quick bow and backed away from them. Unlike her flustered entrance into the grove, her footsteps sounded slow and unhurried as she wound her way back through the woods.
"Now what!?" Hikaru blurted, when he could no longer see Kojoro's lantern bobbing through the trees.
"Either Sai is doing better than we thought, or Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi has grown impatient and wants to end the game quickly. Either way, with your presence...."
"Sai's gonna lose if I go back there!" Hikaru's breathing shortened as panic snarled its way through him. By the way they felt, he imagined his insides looked rather like one of the intricate silk knots that usually dangled from the ends of swords and fans. At least'll be decorative when the Lord of Screaming Nightmares disembowels me and uses my guts for a wall tassel. Hikaru winced. "Crap, crap, craaaaaap! It was bad enough when I had go through your memories! Now Mr. Bringer of Horrible, Unspeakable Pain wants to eat my brain!"
Hikaru gripped the table. His eyes traced the concentric rings of the gigantic stump; they could have numbered anywhere from a thousand to ten thousand. I'm gonna be in Hell a LOT longer than that though. His breathing quickened even more. "Are you SURE you can't block my thoughts? Can't you try?"
"Calm down before you pass out. I need you vertical right now."
"What do you mean calm down? I don't WANT to calm down! What are we gonna do?! What are you going to do?! What am I gonna do?! M-maybe I should just LET him curse me. B-but with MY luck, I'd probably get sealed in a checkerboard or something!" Hikaru's breaths were little more than spastic pants, and his vision began to flatten and grey out, taking his balance with it. "Oh shit! I don't want to be cursed or go to Hell! Oh SHIIIIT!"
At the very edge of his fading sight, he saw a flicker of movement as Osusuki lifted a claw and traced a complex symbol midair. The air hummed and sparks of warmth flared briefly against his skin, the touch of snowflakes reversed. Hikaru had only a moment take one last gasping breath before a syrup-like lassitude engulfed him. It smothered his senses and shut off his panicked tirade. His panting evened out into a more regular rhythm. But though his fear had also been suppressed somewhat, its presence still bit down deep within him, coiling tighter and tighter, whip sharp and ready to crack. It was only a matter of time; once the kitsune released the spell, Hikaru had a feeling the effects would not be pleasant.
"That's better. Now listen. If you were actually thinking instead of running around like a pig with a sack on its head, you would remember what I said before -- that the presence of Gods wears even kitsune illusions thin. The gods are like the truest of all mirrors, ones that can strip away all pretensions and all conjurations, ones which reflect back at us our first face. He is the Lord of Evil Everlasting. When he looks into your eyes, none of my powers will be able to hide what you carry inside your mind. Now, giving up is still an option, but I don't encourage it. My people, for one, would be dragged to Hell. And I'm not so sure that you will find your wanderings as easy as Sai does his, nor do I think Sai can escape this time. Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama wants a soul tonight, and I must see that he gets one -- the question is will it be yours or will it be Sai's?"
Osusuki straightened his robes, brushing a hand over his eye. The bruise faded immediately. "I cannot help you any further, Shindo Hikaru. As it is, I have gambled too much already. We've shared memories and I am sure Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi will not look favorably upon that. So I'm going to have to make a little ... adjustment."
"Why? What are you gonna do?" The words drawled sluggishly out of Hikaru's mouth, as if his voice had become mired in mud. Something deep within him wanted to yell until he collapsed, but he couldn't. He could not even curl his hands into fists.
"I need to take those memories back. I had hoped that his pride would have been enough to keep Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi from openly using you against Sai. It is rather shameful for a god to cheat against a mortal. However, the nature of evil is to take the most easiest route, and one can't fight one's nature, be you god, kitsune, or puny mortal turned Go pro."
Hikaru watched, wide eyed and passive as the kitsune strode towards him. "Don't fight it. It will hurt less, if you let me in on your own free will. There is nothing more I can do to save you, so I must save my people. You won't even know those memories are gone, after I'm done."
"You can't ..." Hikaru squeezed out each word slowly. "No."
"You are not losing anything you did not have before tonight."
No! Hikaru couldn't move, could barely think. He had gone through so much just to gain the few shreds of insight into himself and his friend. "No. It gives me an edge. I need to know why this is all happening. If I don't know, I can't help Sai."
Osusuki paused. "You won't be able to help Sai, even with my memories.You're just making this harder on yourself."
Unable to respond outwardly, Hikaru concentrated all his anger inward. He hammered at his internal knot of fear, trying to work something loose. He felt something brush across his thoughts, and he increased his attempts to break free. They might not be mine, but I'm keeping them! I won't forget what Sai suffered, I won't forget what I learned through that ... I won't, because if I forget, then it makes none of this worth anything!
Yet, even as he struggled, Hikaru could feel the kitsune's memories of Sai begin to fade, images blurring and spreading thin, like falling water flattening into a puddle.
NO! SAI! Hikaru gave one last frantic twist with both his mind and his body, determined not to lose the memories. NO!
Without warning, a bright streak arced through his thoughts ... a sword!? ... followed by a starburst of infinite intensity. Hikaru felt something snap within him. The cotton-like numbness that had been clamped on top of his emotions vanished. Hikaru tumbled backwards, grabbing the table in an attempt to stop his fall.
"You're not gonna get away with covering your own ass!" the words finally burst from Hikaru's lips as he righted himself again. He stood, feet planted, arms outspread, hand clenched tight into fists. Hissing, the fox spirit raised his claws.
Hikaru did not remember striding up to the Kitsune Lord, but he suddenly found himself shouting straight into Osusuki's face. "I am NOT going BACK there and BETRAYING my BEST FRIEND! I am NOT LOSING my MEMORIES! If I have to DRAG your NINE TAILED ASS around and BEAT you bloody to stop you, I WILL! So DON'T tell me to JUST bend over and KISS my BUTT goodbye!"
A low growl rumbled out of Osusuki's throat, and his lips lifted to reveal his sharp fangs. Enraged beyond fear or common sense, Hikaru growled back, showing his own teeth.
"Oh, we're going to do THIS again? So what? You're gonna BITE me?! FINE! Maybe HELL will be EASIER to face if I have RABIES! Come on, BITE ME! BITE ME!" He danced around the kitsune, fists balled and held at ready. It wasn't easy in his unwieldy robes, but anger had given him an odd sort of grace.
"Bite me, fight me, or kill me, but I won't go to Hell just sitting on my hands!"
Osusuki rose to his feet, but he merely pushed past Hikaru, moving slowly and stiffly away. "I will excuse your impudence this once, since it is ... somewhat ... my fault that you have ended up in this predicament."
"`Somewhat'?! What do you mean somewhat?! It's ALL your STINKING fault! If you loved your people so much, you would've given your OWN soul to Hell!"
"SILENCE!" the Lord of the Kitsune swung out, claws heading straight for Hikaru's throat. The young Go pro didn't even have the chance to yelp as rush of air streaked across his neck. His body lifted abruptly off the ground and hung there, suspended. Yet, blood did not spurt, pain did not blossom, and air still whooshed in and out of his lungs. Opening his eyes fully, Hikaru found that he was indeed held aloft but not by Osusuki's claws. Instead, an invisible band of power had formed around his waist and arms, pinning him midair.
The kitsune's expression, with his slitted eyes and fully exposed fangs, told the young Go pro that Osusuki ached to sink his claws into Hikaru and yank out major organs, bit by squiggly bit. As things stood, one clawed hand had halted a hairsbreadth from his neck and the other wavered in the area above his heart. Little tremors shook the clawtips.
Muttering softly under his breath, Osusuki finally waved a hand, dropping Hikaru. The young Go pro landed onto his rear, his arms and legs out flung. For a moment, Hikaru gripped the ground, then he ran a shaking hand across his chest and passed a few fingers under his chin. The slightest trickle of warm liquid met his fingertips. His heartbeat raced in a rapid cadence beneath his palm. It was apparently the only thing still working within him, for the rest of his body felt like it had been dropped into ice water.
Looking up at Osusuki, Hikaru felt his heart stutter again at the strangely desolate expression on the kitsune's face. He hadn't thought it possible for any wanderer, much less the Lord of the Kitsune, to look so ... vulnerable. Seeming to notice Hikaru's stare, Osusuki gave a small, ironic chuckle. It was a dry sound.
"Don't you think I haven't tried to go to Hell, tried to bargain? That way is barred for me. I cannot trade myself for my people, any more than I could have saved Sai, that first night. Only you mortals have souls that are your own. Only you mortals have the power to enter Hell at your own will. We of the wandering night do not. Sometimes, Hell is everywhere we go."
Hikaru tottered to his feet. He flinched as Osusuki turned to face him once more but the fox spirit did not try to invade his mind again.
"We wanderers have power enough to create illusions and dreams, but it is only those who can truly lose, who can fall away, who can die -- it is only you mortals, with your brief, skittering existence, who have the strength to make your dreams permanent. It is the ultimate irony that governs the relationship between all our realms, wandering, waking, mortal, or immortal. If, at any time, you humans grasp this and obtain the wisdom and the power to accept the full responsibility for your actions, then we shadows will have no more use in this realm."
Osusuki shrugged. "That is what Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi fears the most. A world where Hell becomes obsolete. But if you and Sai come under his grasp, with the power in your star souls ..."
"If you know this, then how can you just hand us over?"
"I tried to challenge things, once, and this is my punishment. I must play this game, which is not of my choosing, and I must do so year after year, confined to a time limit, though I myself am timeless. I am kitsune ... to be forced to play another's game .... to be forced into working for a lord that is not my own ..."
"It's NOT just about YOU!"
"No, it is not. It is also about my people, for whom I am responsible. I need no reminder that I am the Lord of the Kitsune. Still, it amounts to nothing. I have no soul and I cannot change. I will always be as I am, until eternity ends or death brings me to oblivion."
The kitsune laughed, bringing again a sound like old bones rubbing together. "Without a soul, I cannot bargain with the Lord of the Unending Night. I must use other souls, I must compound my first mistake, I must trick and bargain and gamble away that which is not mine for purposes beyond my own. I do not deny what I have done in the past. I have used Sai. I have used other souls. I am using you."
"No, I do not deny what I have done. I am only telling you what I cannot do now. I cannot save my court with my own power. I cannot save my people. I cannot even save myself. Do you not understand? That is the crux of Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi's punishment for me. This lessening of what I am-- for as I am now, I can be neither kitsune nor the Lord of the Kitsune."
Osusuki fell silent. Hikaru stared at his hands. They were trembling ... he clenched and unclenched them, but the tremors did not cease. He thought of all the kitsune back in the clearing, of Kojoro and even Kinyuki. He did not remember any particular piece of Hell specifically, but a chill deep beyond his bones told him that some part, buried beyond conscious memory, the part that thrummed instinctually in his blood and flesh, would never truly forget, not until he drew his last breath and found his final destination. Hell had not been pleasant, to say the least. And no one deserved that.
Especially not Sai.
But what then? I can't let the Lord of Evil have those strategies. I can't. How can I get rid ...get .. rid ...
"Take them. Take all of them," he said dully. "Every last one."
"What?"
"If you're gonna pack up your toys and leave, you might as well take all my memories of Sai too. I can't leak strategies if I don't know any," Hikaru felt as if someone had drilled into his chest, leaving his emotions to drain out. His chin slowly lowered, and he hunched slightly, his arms folded across his midsection. "A thousand years is better than eternity. And I don't want to go to Hell either." The sensation of coldness beyond the touch of ice shuddered through him. "No. I definitely don't want to go there."
He heard a quick, indrawn breath.
"You certainly are confusing me. After you fought so hard to keep my memories -- I do distinctly remember you saying that you would drag me by my nine tails and beat me bloody of I tried to take them again -- you would so easily give up the ones you earned on your own? And here I was thinking of upgrading your intelligence level from imbecilic dolt to babbling fool. Your memories make who you are. They are what shaped you these last two years. Don't you know that without them ..."
"I go back to being the plain old me. Little nobody Shindo Hikaru, with no goal in life. I'm not THAT big of a moron, okay? And if you're so smart, can you think of something better? All I am asking is that you help give Sai a fair game," Hikaru looked back down at his hands. They had not stopped shaking yet, but he felt as if he had some control over them again. "I won't let you have your memories back if you don't take mine as well."
"You little idiot," Osusuki finally said. "I can't take all your memories. The Lord of Hell would certainly notice a big gaping hole, even in your brain."
"Then why did you bother showing me all those memories in the first place? What's the point of knowing how much Sai really means to me when I'm just gonna lose him tonight? Why tell me all these things about you and him? You might not have pushed Sai into the river the first time, but you still threw him away. And you're doing it again. Why won't you help me save him?" Nervous energy having dissipated, Hikaru slumped slightly, arms hanging at his side. Everything felt heavy. "Why?"
"You're the one who demanded to see."
"But you didn't have to show me everything you did. You didn't have to keep going. Why?"
The kitsune dipped his head slightly, and his green eyes became shadowed. "It doesn't matter."
"Look, if you take them away, you can tell Ol' Doom and Gloom that you did it to make me defenseless. Without Sai or any memories of Go, I can't fight him. I'm practically gift wrapped and ready to go!"
Osusuki turned away. "No. I cannot interfere anymore."
The hole in Hikaru's chest felt so real that he pressed both hands against it, trying to hold himself together. There wasn't much he could do, if the fox spirit refused to help.
"Then ...I have to ... Sai. If you won't take my memories, I have to ... " Hikaru faltered. An eternity in Hell . . .or a condemned existence confined to a goban...I can't. I can't do it. I gotta think of something. I can't let ...okay, if not my memories, what else? But there IS nothing left! Nothing but ... Hikaru twisted his hands together. There was one, last thing. "I think it's time we talked about that first offer you made. You said it was either my soul or Sai's."
"You would ..." Osusuki trailed off as Hikaru nodded, his eyes glued to his sandal clad feet.
"What else can I do? If even you, the Lord of the Kitsune, Master of Tricks and Illusions, can't fight this, then I'm TOTALLY up crap creek, and forget the paddle, I'm without the canoe at this point!"
"Shindo Hikaru ..."
"I can't let Sai go in my place. I just can't. He wouldn't be here if I hadn't dragged him in. It's my fault. I didn't listen to him. I don't think I've been listening, not for a long time."
"You would really give your soul to Amatsu Mikaboshi? Even though that means an eternity in Hell?" Each word was clipped, precise, and very carefully pronounced.
Hikaru felt as if a bolt of lightening had found its mark in him, leaving the aftermath of thunder in the place of his heartbeat. I can't ... not to Hell ... I can't ....
"N-no." Hikaru closed his eyes. He might have been trembling, but he was having too much trouble trying to force the words out to concentrate on what his body was doing. He just hoped it would not involve an all out panic attack again.
"No, not to Hell. I can't. I don't remember much, but I do remember something, and that's bad enough. I almost understand why you did this to us. Almost. And I w-would give my soul to Sai. I've already trusted him with it tonight. But even to save him, I can't ... not directly to Hell."
"You have a starsoul," the kitsune lord spoke the words as if they explained it all. "It will not go gently into the night unending. It cannot. But ... it is admirable that you, even knowing the full cost, would try to offer it, even if you can't quite go through with the bargain. So what are you saying, Shindo Hikaru? What do you plan to DO with that soul of yours?"
"You. I'm gonna give it to you."
"WHAT?!" Hikaru did not open his eyes, but he felt a faint hint of a smile tug at his mouth, despite the circumstances. He had a feeling that if he did open them, he would see a rather rare sight of the Lord of the Kitsune with his jaw hanging open to the wind.
"Yeah. Gonna give it to you."
"Me, Shindo Hikaru? You want me to take your soul?"
Hikaru nodded, his eyes slowly opening to face a clearly astounded kitsune lord. Osusuki did have his mouth slightly open, and his green eyes were wide and rounded. His hands hovered in the air, as if he did not know quite what to do with them.
"Why involve me?"
"Cause you ARE involved, whether you like it or not!"
"I ...." Osusuki took a deep, rattling breath. "No. Remember what I did to Sai? What I've done to you?"
"That's why. I'm giving you my soul willingly this time. I'm not a scared little kid. You don't have to enspell me or trick me. You could hand me over to the Lord of Evil on a silver platter and with a side of edamame. But ... you might not do that, right? 'Cause if you have a soul, you can bargain. You can FIGHT."
Hikaru watched as the kitsune lord stretched, his hands widening, then tightening, like giant cat flaring then sheathing his claws.
"You're putting a lot of faith in that I won't turn around and just give your soul to Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama. I need not remind you that I don't have the same morals as you do. I'd still betray you, if it would help my people," Osusuki said.
"I know that. But betraying me won't help. Otherwise you'd just take my soul and get on with it. But ... you won't even do that, will you?" Hikaru clenched his teeth. "You won't do anything. You won't help, you won't fight ... you've given up! It's not like you don't have something to fight for! What's WRONG with you?!"
"I can't."
"That's a SHITTY answer! I thought you just needed ... UGH! What's so hard about this?" Hikaru pushed against Osusuki. "Take my memories or take my soul!"
Osusuki actually stumbled from Hikaru's assault, reacting as if the young Go pro had struck him across the face. The kitsune blinked, his mouth snapping shut with an audible click. He shook his head slightly, and when he spoke, he sounded slightly dazed. "No. You don't understand. I can't take your soul. Even if I wanted to, I don't have the ability ... that's demon's work. I am kitsune! I can kill humans, yes -- I can play with you, most definitely-- but your souls are your own. Taking souls ... it's not what I am, it's not in my nature, it's not in my power. It was my first mistake ..."
"Then why won't you fix it?! Even if he hasn't dragged you to Hell yet, you're acting like you're already Amatsu Mikaboshi's servants. Is that what you mean by Hell is everywhere you go?!" Hikaru threw his hands up. "I'm gonna call the game off and release Sai, even if that curses me to be stuck in an Othello board forever! Who cares if your people are damned like you already are? If you won't work to save them, why should I? What use are you to me or to your people? I'm surprised they haven't chucked you out already and gotten a better lord."
Glancing over at Osusuki, Hikaru stopped mid-rant, suddenly aware of the total lack of reaction in the fox spirit. The kitsune's body remained entirely too still; the claws did not move, the tails laid passive against the dusty ground ... even the sharp fangs stayed hidden from view. It unnerved Hikaru much more than when Osusuki had threatened to rip his throat out, or had pinned him with his magic, or had tried to invade his mind. Hikaru sensed that something was about to give way within the kitsune. He only hoped it wouldn't end with his favorite body parts being strewn around the surrounding forest.
"They don't know."
"Huh?"
"My people don't know," Osusuki's voice was quiet, almost whisper soft. "Akomachi, Inari-sama and I decided that it would not help for them to know. I thought that if this millennium indeed proved to be the last for my kind, I wanted my people to live out the remaining time as normally as possible -- kitsune to the very end. And I wanted none of my people to actively participate in luring souls to Hell. That task is mine alone. If I fail tonight, though, my people will know, in that last breaking moment before they are dragged to Hell, just what kind of a leader I have been to them. To be honest, I had resigned myself to this. However ... you showed up. It would be so easy, if I could just take your soul and hand it over. My people ... it would be so easy ..."
"But it shouldn't be easy," Hikaru said. "Isn't the easy way bad or something? Maybe ... maybe that's why you went through all this trouble of inviting me to this tea party and showing me all that stuff about Sai's past.You could've just let me stay in the clearing and let me and Sai go to Hell. You didn't. Look, I'm giving my soul to you. That's the difference, maybe. You can do something now."
"No. It doesn't make a difference. If I try to save both you and Sai, I fail my people. And there is no way to save just one of you. Enough. This is of no use."
Despite the kitsune's words, Hikaru's own anger calmed, though it did not truly disappear. The fox spirit looked as if his body felt every single second of each millennium he had lived through.
Slumping slightly as well, Hikaru let his hands fall to his sides. "Did you know that, before tonight, the hardest thing I did each day was to get up and face the goban, with Sai behind me and Touya Akira ahead? Okay, so it's nothing like facing Hell year after year, or losing all your people, or stuff like that, but I gotta get up every day knowing how much better Sai is at Go and how most people would rather play against him -- including my eternal rival. I have to play knowing how far behind everyone I am ... and knowing how, behind my back, people think that my skills are a fluke -- they don't think I know, but I do. I hear it, every time I lose a game, every time I show that I don't know EVERYTHING there is to know about the stupid other stuff that comes with Go, like kifus, insei tests, and proper behavior and crap. Except for Sai, NO one thinks I can keep my pro rank - sometimes it's like everyone is just waiting for me to screw up."
"It's hard, but it's also the best thing I do each day. No matter how much it hurts, I'm not gonna curl up in some corner and let Sai or Touya or anyone control my moves, even if they're better than me. I'm gonna play, I'm going to play as myself, and I'm going to show them all who I really am. I'm just a puny mortal -- maybe I don't know better. Call me stupid, but I don't think it's about having a soul or not or being able to change or not. You still have a choice, you know? Between the Hell that you make, and the Hell that others make for you. Believe me, I know that."
For the first time, Hikaru met Osusuki's eyes ... and really met them, green to green. He had always been less than adept when it came to the art of speech making and subtlety, but Hikaru willed the fox spirit to understand, to grasp what he was trying so hard to say.
The kitsune remained quiet for a long time. When he spoke again, his voice had the same soft, almost whispering tone it had held before.
"Unfortunately, despite that rather cliched and overdramatic speech, I still will not accept your soul, whether you give it to me or not. Kitsune cannot take nor be given souls."
Hikaru closed his eyes. Back to square one. I'm sorry Sai ...
"And there is nothing we can do about Sai and his game," Osusuki held up a hand, forestalling Hikaru's tirade. "The game has begun, and by every rule known to that of the wandering, and doubly so by my kind, it must play its way through. But..."
The tips of Osusuki's fangs showed, and Hikaru found, for the first time, that he welcomed the sight. Tension had begun to seep back into the kitsune's posture, and Hikaru felt something stir within him -- not hope, but something akin to it. The kitsune was on the hunt again, instead of resigning himself to being the prey. The fox spirit paced slowly around the clearing, his hands held behind his back. After a few moments, he looked up. A low rumble, almost like a purr, vibrated in the air. "We might be able to use that."
"You're going to help me, aren't you? You changed your mind ..." Hikaru breathed.
"I don't know about that. I doubt I can help you. And no. I have not changed. I cannot ...but I can learn from my past mistakes ... and occasionally, I can be taught, no matter how galling the teacher."
"What are you gonna do? What are we gonna do?"
"What else but a trick, little kitling? It is what my kind does best, after all. I cannot take your soul, but ... I do not need a soul to fight. I've been going about this the wrong way. As much as it pains me to admit it, perhaps you weren't the one who lost the true definitions between good, evil, and the wandering shadows in-between. Anyway, your first plan isn't all flawed. However, I cannot take all your memories, for the Lord of All Evil will surely notice that. It cannot be an illusion, for those will not hold either. Let's try truth. With enough truth to muddle things, perhaps even the Lord of Evil can be fooled into making a mistake."
The kitsune had his fan out again, and he spread it outward before curling it back so that it half hid his face. "And if he makes a mistake ..."
"Sai might have a chance to win! But what about your people ... wait. You know ..." Hikaru paused, shifting through his share of the kitsune's memories. "He only said you had to bring him a star soul. You actually brought him two."
Osusuki blinked. Hikaru nearly grinned as he realized he had done the impossible yet again ... he had surprised a kitsune twice in one night.
"You may have a point. I doubt, however, that matters will be quite that simple. Still ... perhaps I do see a route to save Sai and my people. The Lord of Evil would like to lay claim to both of your souls, and he does not like to lose. So if the game looks like it's about to be lost entirely, Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama will have to resort to other means to save face .... like temptation. Sai may have a chance to bargain and to change his sentence. And I have to admit, the trick has a nice symmetry to it ... for cheating, the Lord of the Ever Living lie ends up cheating himself."
Osusuki clapped the fan shut with a quick click of his claws. "The Lord of Evil will be using your mind to see your analysis of Sai's past games. However, human memories are notoriously malleable. They change over time, vary from situation to situation, and shift to reflect your emotional state. At any rate, your memory and mind will show him Sai's games. However, no one said you had to show them correctly."
Osusuki sketched a line out in the air. A golden ribbon formed. "Think of this like the thread of your memories. Say that this thread specifically represents your memory of a single game. The beginning is here, the middle, here, and the end, there. Everything is clean and linear. However, if I crumple it like this and tie even more memories together..." three more ribbons appeared, and they twisted together.
"All the points touch haphazardly. It is still a true memory formed from true games. But if done correctly ..." The four ribbons which had been tied together unfurled into a whole streamer as Osusuki opened his hands, palms upward.
"Not one game, not one strategy, but a mix of them, made to seem whole. Perhaps it will be enough to give one or two crucial moves to Sai. At the level that he and Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama are playing, one mistake can make the difference. "
"But that's not gonna work. I mean, one game can't be merged into another." Hikaru scratched his head. "I understand what you're trying to do ... but one Go game is very different from another. He's gonna notice if things are all scrambled up."
"Ah, but the possibilities behind certain sets of moves are the same. It depends on finding which points verge on the same possibilities, and build from those bits and pieces. And it's not like I'm a novice in Go. I have played for several millenniums, and I am actually quite good, if I say so myself. Moreover, I have played Sai before -- I was there when he first started forming his strategies. I can use what I know about his games to merge your memories believably. And it's not like I am going to change all of your games; that would be too obvious. The majority, though, will have at least one or two moves switched. Much like how human games are recorded on paper and kept in libraries for reference, Amatsu Mikaboshi will be flipping through your thoughts to look for patterns; we're just altering how some of the entries are listed."
"But ... there's a "but" ... right?"
"In order to convince Amatsu Mikaboshi he is seeing real games, I will have to go in and really change your mind, to put it mildly."
Osusuki met Hikaru's gaze directly once again. The ribbon in the air fell and Hikaru caught it in reflex, twining its smooth length through his fingers.
"You offered all your memories to me earlier. Do you really know what that entails? I can change your memories, but I might not be able to change them back. You may never be able to recover the true sequence of the games. It might even affect your ability to build new memories ...and it may even extend to affect your ability to concentrate. Essentially, you may have to learn how to play all over again, and you probably will never play as well as you can now. "
Hikaru felt the world suddenly tilt. Of all his talents, his ability to immerse himself deeply in a game was his strongest ability, one that even Sai admired. And his ability to memorize and recreate games, to adapt strategies from those memories ... without that ... Hikaru twisted his sleeves in his hands.
An image of Touya Akira wafted smokelike through his mind's eye. He thought of being as helpless in Go as he was when they had first met -- of having to start the chase all over again --- the Touya Akira in his mind turned and walked away. A familiar, bitter laugh echoed in Hikaru's ears. "I'll never appear in front of you again."
"I'd lose my eternal rival. My pro standing. Everything me an' Sai worked for ..." Hikaru whispered, "I'd be left behind, while the others go forward."
"And you won't know why. In order to convince Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama, you must honestly believe, with all your heart and soul, that you are seeing the real games. Thus, I must ensure that you don't know that your memories have changed."
Osusuki leaned forward slightly, and his tone deepened. "To you, everything will seem normal. Your memories of Sai will remain intact, as will those of all your friends and family. Only your Go abilities will be affected. If you indeed win your soul back and return to the waking world, you will soon discover that you cannot trust your instincts anymore. You will have to question every move you make, wondering if your strategy is faulty.You will have to face your friends every day and see their disappointment in your inability to play. Total strangers will call you washed out, burned out, a fraud. And all the doubt you have endured ... the taunts ... if you go through with this, you will soon start to believe what people say, for you will see your failures, but not understand the reasons behind them. Taking your soul, perhaps, would be kinder."
"Y-you said 'might' ... right?" Hikaru winced as his voice quavered, but he could do little to stop it, "As in, there might still be a chance to fix it ..."
"It depends on how the game ends. Sai ... Sai may be able to put things back in order without severe mental damage, once the game is through. After all, he holds the same memories as you do regarding your Go strategies and games. And there is that fact that your mind is not exactly alien territory to him; he can truly heal you from within. But if he loses, or if he cannot bargain with Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi, then he will not return in time from Hell to help you. And ... there is the chance that by altering your mind, I might break the link between you two. Part of Sai lives in your memories of Go. That is another reason why Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama wants to see inside your mind so badly. But if I damage that part ..."
Hikaru staggered, feet suddenly unsteady and unable to bear his weight. He barely noticed when Osusuki hurriedly waved a hand, though he was grateful for the chair that suddenly appeared under him.
"To be honest, I'm actually being overly optimistic here."
"Oh crap. There's more?!"
"The worst case scenario is if Amatsu Mikaboshi figures out what I've done and rips your mind apart to find the real games. I don't think you'll like that. I'm not going to like that either, actually, for he'll be rather upset at me as well. If Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi does figure it out, and he goes after you... even if you do win ... Hell does not necessarily have to be a place, Shindo Hikaru. As you have noted, it's a state of mind, at times." Osusuki tapped his claws to his lips. "So consider the implications carefully, little kitling. I have had more than my fill of destroying star souls and sending them to Hell. Once was enough already."
Osusuki bent his head slightly. Watching him, Hikaru could not quite describe the feeling, but he thought he might have briefly grasped both the the pain and the pleasure of mortality, even with its set path towards death.
Immortality, it seemed, held far more terrors than simply having to die with time.
"If you could do this to my mind ... if you could change it ... why didn't you just take your memories from me? If you guys have so much power, why aren't kitsune the supreme rulers of everything?"
"First thing, with taking your memories ...it's dependent on your cooperation. There are rules my kind must follow. You've seen firsthand what happens when I break them. I wager that I could've bent the rules a little regarding taking my memories back from you, since they aren't technically yours, but it is infinitely easier if I have your permission."
"As to your second question, my powers are based on making you believe in things that aren't there... or to simplify the matter further -- to make you believe. However, a mortal mind must be open enough to believe. A trick only works if one is willing to be tricked, and magic only dazzles when there is trust in the power behind the magic. It's all cheap smoke and card tricks to the skeptical. Given the right type of mind, there's no limit to what I can do. As things stand, mortals generally refuse to believe in my kind and ignorance can be as much as a shield as it is a hindrance, you know."
Osusuki shook his head mockingly. "Besides, you humans rate your realm too highly. Not every magically enhanced being wants to rule your world, no matter what your fantasies say. I know I don't. Don't look so surprised. What ... do you think that our realms should engage in some sort of ultimate fighting tournament, where the champions of your world power up to battle one on one over the fate of the universe? Please. It's much less hassling and much more amusing to watch you run around destroying yourselves."
"Regardless, the problem isn't getting you to believe what I put in your mind. It's the 'un'-believing part. You won't remember anything that went on in this clearing. You won't trust me anymore, and you will not let me back in ... you will be downright hostile, I imagine. If you're in that state and if you fight me, it will make it nearly impossible to unravel your memories without shredding your mind entirely."
Hikaru glanced at the golden ribbon, crumpling it slightly. "What do you mean I won't trust you anymore? I don't trust you NOW. But I still say we do it."
Osusuki nodded curtly. "As you wish. You won't be able to remember, but don't say I didn't warn you. There is something, though, that I have to test. But it won't be pleasant."
A nervous hiccup started to bubble in Hikaru when he caught the knife-sharp expression that glittered, ice-like, in the fox spirit's eyes.
"What are you --OW!"
The spike of pain nearly knocked him off his seat. Hikaru was only peripherally aware of strong arms supporting him. His thoughts felt like they were on fire, each synapse screaming with its own discordant agony.
"Son of a BITCH!" He swore when the pain abruptly vanished. He felt the tips of the kitsune's claws on the top of his head, and he swiped them away. "What did you do?!"
"I wanted to try something."
"Try WHAT? Shish-kebabing my brain?!"
"I tested your mental barriers, to see how resistant your mind is to being influenced. Not surprisingly, your barriers are extremely low. They have to be, in order to let Sai stay in your mind. Nonetheless, I found something else, something that resists, though it's not a mental barrier. The truly odd thing is that I am not totally sure that it's entirely you who is providing the resistance. Earlier, when I immobilized you, you shouldn't have been able to break free. But you did." Osusuki paused, and his eyes became slightly unfocused. "There is something in you ... a space apart from the rest, a space filled with something that ... something that may not even be you, something I don't understand. Like I said, your soul is not alone."
"Sai ..."
The kitsune said nothing.
"Is this gonna be a problem?" Hikaru rubbed at his head, trying to rid himself of the residual spikes of pain that laced through his mind.
"Well, if it gives me so much trouble, I can only hope it'll do the same to Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama," the words, while not exactly encouraging, made Hikaru straighten.
"Wait! How about you? What if the Lord of Stench tries to read your mind? You said you had no illusions ..."
"It is your mind he's interested in, so it is your thoughts that will be under direct attack. Moreover, I still have some power within my own thoughts, behind my mask. And evil expects everyone to act out of his or her own best interest. My best interest is to make you give up your soul tonight. Though if the Lord of the Night Unending finds out about our proposed plan, ... no thought of mine will matter anymore. Anyway, all this may prove unnecessary. Sai still could win, even if Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi uses you. You need more than just strategies to carry a game."
"No," Hikaru took a deep breath, wincing as the ache behind his eyeballs peaked again. Time for the final moves. The last attack. "This is our best chance. And even if ... sometimes, you gotta sacrifice pieces, you know? To win."
"I could just take my memories, leave you with yours, and you wouldn't know the difference."
"You could. But you won't."
"Never trust a kitsune, Hikaru. Especially not me."
"But I am trusting that you are a kitsune ... and that you're gonna act like one. And what's with the Hikaru now? Should I call you Susu? Man, am I ever gonna hear it from Waya and Touya when I get out of this. It'll be bye bye brain, hello world o' mockery. Why does everything in the universe get together to make me look stupid anyway?!" Hikaru stopped, then swallowed. "Sai will find a way to fix it later. I know he will. 'Cause me an' him .. it's not only about Go. It's not. We have more than that holding us together ... don't we?"
He closed his eyes. In the sudden stillness within his mind, he thought he might have heard himself mumbling goodbye to something. Or someone. Perhaps it wasn't even Sai. "Do it."
He felt Osusuki touch his head with a claw.
Then nothing.
to be continued in 8b
A Hikaru no Go Ghost Story
This chapter is again dedicated to her supreme editor-ness, Imbrium. If she did not help, you would not be reading this. (So don't go after her with the pointy sticks, okay?)
Part 8a: Twisting Sinews of the Heart
"Kojoro, go back to the game and tell Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi that I will be there shortly, with Shindo-kun in tow. Express to him my deepest apologies for being absent when he required my presence," Osusuki said.
Kojoro stiffened and canted her head slightly to the side. Hikaru could not read her expression through her mask, but he guessed that he and Osusuki must have made quite a sight -- he with his rumpled robes and red, tear-blurred eyes and the Kitsune Lord with his maskless, bruised face.
"Kojoro, you have your orders. However ... make sure you present yourself properly. None of this rushing back to the game, tails over head. Do you understand?"
"Yes, milord," apparently, the young kitsune had decided that her continued survival depended on not commenting on what she saw. She bent herself into a quick bow and backed away from them. Unlike her flustered entrance into the grove, her footsteps sounded slow and unhurried as she wound her way back through the woods.
"Now what!?" Hikaru blurted, when he could no longer see Kojoro's lantern bobbing through the trees.
"Either Sai is doing better than we thought, or Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi has grown impatient and wants to end the game quickly. Either way, with your presence...."
"Sai's gonna lose if I go back there!" Hikaru's breathing shortened as panic snarled its way through him. By the way they felt, he imagined his insides looked rather like one of the intricate silk knots that usually dangled from the ends of swords and fans. At least'll be decorative when the Lord of Screaming Nightmares disembowels me and uses my guts for a wall tassel. Hikaru winced. "Crap, crap, craaaaaap! It was bad enough when I had go through your memories! Now Mr. Bringer of Horrible, Unspeakable Pain wants to eat my brain!"
Hikaru gripped the table. His eyes traced the concentric rings of the gigantic stump; they could have numbered anywhere from a thousand to ten thousand. I'm gonna be in Hell a LOT longer than that though. His breathing quickened even more. "Are you SURE you can't block my thoughts? Can't you try?"
"Calm down before you pass out. I need you vertical right now."
"What do you mean calm down? I don't WANT to calm down! What are we gonna do?! What are you going to do?! What am I gonna do?! M-maybe I should just LET him curse me. B-but with MY luck, I'd probably get sealed in a checkerboard or something!" Hikaru's breaths were little more than spastic pants, and his vision began to flatten and grey out, taking his balance with it. "Oh shit! I don't want to be cursed or go to Hell! Oh SHIIIIT!"
At the very edge of his fading sight, he saw a flicker of movement as Osusuki lifted a claw and traced a complex symbol midair. The air hummed and sparks of warmth flared briefly against his skin, the touch of snowflakes reversed. Hikaru had only a moment take one last gasping breath before a syrup-like lassitude engulfed him. It smothered his senses and shut off his panicked tirade. His panting evened out into a more regular rhythm. But though his fear had also been suppressed somewhat, its presence still bit down deep within him, coiling tighter and tighter, whip sharp and ready to crack. It was only a matter of time; once the kitsune released the spell, Hikaru had a feeling the effects would not be pleasant.
"That's better. Now listen. If you were actually thinking instead of running around like a pig with a sack on its head, you would remember what I said before -- that the presence of Gods wears even kitsune illusions thin. The gods are like the truest of all mirrors, ones that can strip away all pretensions and all conjurations, ones which reflect back at us our first face. He is the Lord of Evil Everlasting. When he looks into your eyes, none of my powers will be able to hide what you carry inside your mind. Now, giving up is still an option, but I don't encourage it. My people, for one, would be dragged to Hell. And I'm not so sure that you will find your wanderings as easy as Sai does his, nor do I think Sai can escape this time. Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama wants a soul tonight, and I must see that he gets one -- the question is will it be yours or will it be Sai's?"
Osusuki straightened his robes, brushing a hand over his eye. The bruise faded immediately. "I cannot help you any further, Shindo Hikaru. As it is, I have gambled too much already. We've shared memories and I am sure Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi will not look favorably upon that. So I'm going to have to make a little ... adjustment."
"Why? What are you gonna do?" The words drawled sluggishly out of Hikaru's mouth, as if his voice had become mired in mud. Something deep within him wanted to yell until he collapsed, but he couldn't. He could not even curl his hands into fists.
"I need to take those memories back. I had hoped that his pride would have been enough to keep Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi from openly using you against Sai. It is rather shameful for a god to cheat against a mortal. However, the nature of evil is to take the most easiest route, and one can't fight one's nature, be you god, kitsune, or puny mortal turned Go pro."
Hikaru watched, wide eyed and passive as the kitsune strode towards him. "Don't fight it. It will hurt less, if you let me in on your own free will. There is nothing more I can do to save you, so I must save my people. You won't even know those memories are gone, after I'm done."
"You can't ..." Hikaru squeezed out each word slowly. "No."
"You are not losing anything you did not have before tonight."
No! Hikaru couldn't move, could barely think. He had gone through so much just to gain the few shreds of insight into himself and his friend. "No. It gives me an edge. I need to know why this is all happening. If I don't know, I can't help Sai."
Osusuki paused. "You won't be able to help Sai, even with my memories.You're just making this harder on yourself."
Unable to respond outwardly, Hikaru concentrated all his anger inward. He hammered at his internal knot of fear, trying to work something loose. He felt something brush across his thoughts, and he increased his attempts to break free. They might not be mine, but I'm keeping them! I won't forget what Sai suffered, I won't forget what I learned through that ... I won't, because if I forget, then it makes none of this worth anything!
Yet, even as he struggled, Hikaru could feel the kitsune's memories of Sai begin to fade, images blurring and spreading thin, like falling water flattening into a puddle.
NO! SAI! Hikaru gave one last frantic twist with both his mind and his body, determined not to lose the memories. NO!
Without warning, a bright streak arced through his thoughts ... a sword!? ... followed by a starburst of infinite intensity. Hikaru felt something snap within him. The cotton-like numbness that had been clamped on top of his emotions vanished. Hikaru tumbled backwards, grabbing the table in an attempt to stop his fall.
"You're not gonna get away with covering your own ass!" the words finally burst from Hikaru's lips as he righted himself again. He stood, feet planted, arms outspread, hand clenched tight into fists. Hissing, the fox spirit raised his claws.
Hikaru did not remember striding up to the Kitsune Lord, but he suddenly found himself shouting straight into Osusuki's face. "I am NOT going BACK there and BETRAYING my BEST FRIEND! I am NOT LOSING my MEMORIES! If I have to DRAG your NINE TAILED ASS around and BEAT you bloody to stop you, I WILL! So DON'T tell me to JUST bend over and KISS my BUTT goodbye!"
A low growl rumbled out of Osusuki's throat, and his lips lifted to reveal his sharp fangs. Enraged beyond fear or common sense, Hikaru growled back, showing his own teeth.
"Oh, we're going to do THIS again? So what? You're gonna BITE me?! FINE! Maybe HELL will be EASIER to face if I have RABIES! Come on, BITE ME! BITE ME!" He danced around the kitsune, fists balled and held at ready. It wasn't easy in his unwieldy robes, but anger had given him an odd sort of grace.
"Bite me, fight me, or kill me, but I won't go to Hell just sitting on my hands!"
Osusuki rose to his feet, but he merely pushed past Hikaru, moving slowly and stiffly away. "I will excuse your impudence this once, since it is ... somewhat ... my fault that you have ended up in this predicament."
"`Somewhat'?! What do you mean somewhat?! It's ALL your STINKING fault! If you loved your people so much, you would've given your OWN soul to Hell!"
"SILENCE!" the Lord of the Kitsune swung out, claws heading straight for Hikaru's throat. The young Go pro didn't even have the chance to yelp as rush of air streaked across his neck. His body lifted abruptly off the ground and hung there, suspended. Yet, blood did not spurt, pain did not blossom, and air still whooshed in and out of his lungs. Opening his eyes fully, Hikaru found that he was indeed held aloft but not by Osusuki's claws. Instead, an invisible band of power had formed around his waist and arms, pinning him midair.
The kitsune's expression, with his slitted eyes and fully exposed fangs, told the young Go pro that Osusuki ached to sink his claws into Hikaru and yank out major organs, bit by squiggly bit. As things stood, one clawed hand had halted a hairsbreadth from his neck and the other wavered in the area above his heart. Little tremors shook the clawtips.
Muttering softly under his breath, Osusuki finally waved a hand, dropping Hikaru. The young Go pro landed onto his rear, his arms and legs out flung. For a moment, Hikaru gripped the ground, then he ran a shaking hand across his chest and passed a few fingers under his chin. The slightest trickle of warm liquid met his fingertips. His heartbeat raced in a rapid cadence beneath his palm. It was apparently the only thing still working within him, for the rest of his body felt like it had been dropped into ice water.
Looking up at Osusuki, Hikaru felt his heart stutter again at the strangely desolate expression on the kitsune's face. He hadn't thought it possible for any wanderer, much less the Lord of the Kitsune, to look so ... vulnerable. Seeming to notice Hikaru's stare, Osusuki gave a small, ironic chuckle. It was a dry sound.
"Don't you think I haven't tried to go to Hell, tried to bargain? That way is barred for me. I cannot trade myself for my people, any more than I could have saved Sai, that first night. Only you mortals have souls that are your own. Only you mortals have the power to enter Hell at your own will. We of the wandering night do not. Sometimes, Hell is everywhere we go."
Hikaru tottered to his feet. He flinched as Osusuki turned to face him once more but the fox spirit did not try to invade his mind again.
"We wanderers have power enough to create illusions and dreams, but it is only those who can truly lose, who can fall away, who can die -- it is only you mortals, with your brief, skittering existence, who have the strength to make your dreams permanent. It is the ultimate irony that governs the relationship between all our realms, wandering, waking, mortal, or immortal. If, at any time, you humans grasp this and obtain the wisdom and the power to accept the full responsibility for your actions, then we shadows will have no more use in this realm."
Osusuki shrugged. "That is what Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi fears the most. A world where Hell becomes obsolete. But if you and Sai come under his grasp, with the power in your star souls ..."
"If you know this, then how can you just hand us over?"
"I tried to challenge things, once, and this is my punishment. I must play this game, which is not of my choosing, and I must do so year after year, confined to a time limit, though I myself am timeless. I am kitsune ... to be forced to play another's game .... to be forced into working for a lord that is not my own ..."
"It's NOT just about YOU!"
"No, it is not. It is also about my people, for whom I am responsible. I need no reminder that I am the Lord of the Kitsune. Still, it amounts to nothing. I have no soul and I cannot change. I will always be as I am, until eternity ends or death brings me to oblivion."
The kitsune laughed, bringing again a sound like old bones rubbing together. "Without a soul, I cannot bargain with the Lord of the Unending Night. I must use other souls, I must compound my first mistake, I must trick and bargain and gamble away that which is not mine for purposes beyond my own. I do not deny what I have done in the past. I have used Sai. I have used other souls. I am using you."
"No, I do not deny what I have done. I am only telling you what I cannot do now. I cannot save my court with my own power. I cannot save my people. I cannot even save myself. Do you not understand? That is the crux of Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi's punishment for me. This lessening of what I am-- for as I am now, I can be neither kitsune nor the Lord of the Kitsune."
Osusuki fell silent. Hikaru stared at his hands. They were trembling ... he clenched and unclenched them, but the tremors did not cease. He thought of all the kitsune back in the clearing, of Kojoro and even Kinyuki. He did not remember any particular piece of Hell specifically, but a chill deep beyond his bones told him that some part, buried beyond conscious memory, the part that thrummed instinctually in his blood and flesh, would never truly forget, not until he drew his last breath and found his final destination. Hell had not been pleasant, to say the least. And no one deserved that.
Especially not Sai.
But what then? I can't let the Lord of Evil have those strategies. I can't. How can I get rid ...get .. rid ...
"Take them. Take all of them," he said dully. "Every last one."
"What?"
"If you're gonna pack up your toys and leave, you might as well take all my memories of Sai too. I can't leak strategies if I don't know any," Hikaru felt as if someone had drilled into his chest, leaving his emotions to drain out. His chin slowly lowered, and he hunched slightly, his arms folded across his midsection. "A thousand years is better than eternity. And I don't want to go to Hell either." The sensation of coldness beyond the touch of ice shuddered through him. "No. I definitely don't want to go there."
He heard a quick, indrawn breath.
"You certainly are confusing me. After you fought so hard to keep my memories -- I do distinctly remember you saying that you would drag me by my nine tails and beat me bloody of I tried to take them again -- you would so easily give up the ones you earned on your own? And here I was thinking of upgrading your intelligence level from imbecilic dolt to babbling fool. Your memories make who you are. They are what shaped you these last two years. Don't you know that without them ..."
"I go back to being the plain old me. Little nobody Shindo Hikaru, with no goal in life. I'm not THAT big of a moron, okay? And if you're so smart, can you think of something better? All I am asking is that you help give Sai a fair game," Hikaru looked back down at his hands. They had not stopped shaking yet, but he felt as if he had some control over them again. "I won't let you have your memories back if you don't take mine as well."
"You little idiot," Osusuki finally said. "I can't take all your memories. The Lord of Hell would certainly notice a big gaping hole, even in your brain."
"Then why did you bother showing me all those memories in the first place? What's the point of knowing how much Sai really means to me when I'm just gonna lose him tonight? Why tell me all these things about you and him? You might not have pushed Sai into the river the first time, but you still threw him away. And you're doing it again. Why won't you help me save him?" Nervous energy having dissipated, Hikaru slumped slightly, arms hanging at his side. Everything felt heavy. "Why?"
"You're the one who demanded to see."
"But you didn't have to show me everything you did. You didn't have to keep going. Why?"
The kitsune dipped his head slightly, and his green eyes became shadowed. "It doesn't matter."
"Look, if you take them away, you can tell Ol' Doom and Gloom that you did it to make me defenseless. Without Sai or any memories of Go, I can't fight him. I'm practically gift wrapped and ready to go!"
Osusuki turned away. "No. I cannot interfere anymore."
The hole in Hikaru's chest felt so real that he pressed both hands against it, trying to hold himself together. There wasn't much he could do, if the fox spirit refused to help.
"Then ...I have to ... Sai. If you won't take my memories, I have to ... " Hikaru faltered. An eternity in Hell . . .or a condemned existence confined to a goban...I can't. I can't do it. I gotta think of something. I can't let ...okay, if not my memories, what else? But there IS nothing left! Nothing but ... Hikaru twisted his hands together. There was one, last thing. "I think it's time we talked about that first offer you made. You said it was either my soul or Sai's."
"You would ..." Osusuki trailed off as Hikaru nodded, his eyes glued to his sandal clad feet.
"What else can I do? If even you, the Lord of the Kitsune, Master of Tricks and Illusions, can't fight this, then I'm TOTALLY up crap creek, and forget the paddle, I'm without the canoe at this point!"
"Shindo Hikaru ..."
"I can't let Sai go in my place. I just can't. He wouldn't be here if I hadn't dragged him in. It's my fault. I didn't listen to him. I don't think I've been listening, not for a long time."
"You would really give your soul to Amatsu Mikaboshi? Even though that means an eternity in Hell?" Each word was clipped, precise, and very carefully pronounced.
Hikaru felt as if a bolt of lightening had found its mark in him, leaving the aftermath of thunder in the place of his heartbeat. I can't ... not to Hell ... I can't ....
"N-no." Hikaru closed his eyes. He might have been trembling, but he was having too much trouble trying to force the words out to concentrate on what his body was doing. He just hoped it would not involve an all out panic attack again.
"No, not to Hell. I can't. I don't remember much, but I do remember something, and that's bad enough. I almost understand why you did this to us. Almost. And I w-would give my soul to Sai. I've already trusted him with it tonight. But even to save him, I can't ... not directly to Hell."
"You have a starsoul," the kitsune lord spoke the words as if they explained it all. "It will not go gently into the night unending. It cannot. But ... it is admirable that you, even knowing the full cost, would try to offer it, even if you can't quite go through with the bargain. So what are you saying, Shindo Hikaru? What do you plan to DO with that soul of yours?"
"You. I'm gonna give it to you."
"WHAT?!" Hikaru did not open his eyes, but he felt a faint hint of a smile tug at his mouth, despite the circumstances. He had a feeling that if he did open them, he would see a rather rare sight of the Lord of the Kitsune with his jaw hanging open to the wind.
"Yeah. Gonna give it to you."
"Me, Shindo Hikaru? You want me to take your soul?"
Hikaru nodded, his eyes slowly opening to face a clearly astounded kitsune lord. Osusuki did have his mouth slightly open, and his green eyes were wide and rounded. His hands hovered in the air, as if he did not know quite what to do with them.
"Why involve me?"
"Cause you ARE involved, whether you like it or not!"
"I ...." Osusuki took a deep, rattling breath. "No. Remember what I did to Sai? What I've done to you?"
"That's why. I'm giving you my soul willingly this time. I'm not a scared little kid. You don't have to enspell me or trick me. You could hand me over to the Lord of Evil on a silver platter and with a side of edamame. But ... you might not do that, right? 'Cause if you have a soul, you can bargain. You can FIGHT."
Hikaru watched as the kitsune lord stretched, his hands widening, then tightening, like giant cat flaring then sheathing his claws.
"You're putting a lot of faith in that I won't turn around and just give your soul to Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama. I need not remind you that I don't have the same morals as you do. I'd still betray you, if it would help my people," Osusuki said.
"I know that. But betraying me won't help. Otherwise you'd just take my soul and get on with it. But ... you won't even do that, will you?" Hikaru clenched his teeth. "You won't do anything. You won't help, you won't fight ... you've given up! It's not like you don't have something to fight for! What's WRONG with you?!"
"I can't."
"That's a SHITTY answer! I thought you just needed ... UGH! What's so hard about this?" Hikaru pushed against Osusuki. "Take my memories or take my soul!"
Osusuki actually stumbled from Hikaru's assault, reacting as if the young Go pro had struck him across the face. The kitsune blinked, his mouth snapping shut with an audible click. He shook his head slightly, and when he spoke, he sounded slightly dazed. "No. You don't understand. I can't take your soul. Even if I wanted to, I don't have the ability ... that's demon's work. I am kitsune! I can kill humans, yes -- I can play with you, most definitely-- but your souls are your own. Taking souls ... it's not what I am, it's not in my nature, it's not in my power. It was my first mistake ..."
"Then why won't you fix it?! Even if he hasn't dragged you to Hell yet, you're acting like you're already Amatsu Mikaboshi's servants. Is that what you mean by Hell is everywhere you go?!" Hikaru threw his hands up. "I'm gonna call the game off and release Sai, even if that curses me to be stuck in an Othello board forever! Who cares if your people are damned like you already are? If you won't work to save them, why should I? What use are you to me or to your people? I'm surprised they haven't chucked you out already and gotten a better lord."
Glancing over at Osusuki, Hikaru stopped mid-rant, suddenly aware of the total lack of reaction in the fox spirit. The kitsune's body remained entirely too still; the claws did not move, the tails laid passive against the dusty ground ... even the sharp fangs stayed hidden from view. It unnerved Hikaru much more than when Osusuki had threatened to rip his throat out, or had pinned him with his magic, or had tried to invade his mind. Hikaru sensed that something was about to give way within the kitsune. He only hoped it wouldn't end with his favorite body parts being strewn around the surrounding forest.
"They don't know."
"Huh?"
"My people don't know," Osusuki's voice was quiet, almost whisper soft. "Akomachi, Inari-sama and I decided that it would not help for them to know. I thought that if this millennium indeed proved to be the last for my kind, I wanted my people to live out the remaining time as normally as possible -- kitsune to the very end. And I wanted none of my people to actively participate in luring souls to Hell. That task is mine alone. If I fail tonight, though, my people will know, in that last breaking moment before they are dragged to Hell, just what kind of a leader I have been to them. To be honest, I had resigned myself to this. However ... you showed up. It would be so easy, if I could just take your soul and hand it over. My people ... it would be so easy ..."
"But it shouldn't be easy," Hikaru said. "Isn't the easy way bad or something? Maybe ... maybe that's why you went through all this trouble of inviting me to this tea party and showing me all that stuff about Sai's past.You could've just let me stay in the clearing and let me and Sai go to Hell. You didn't. Look, I'm giving my soul to you. That's the difference, maybe. You can do something now."
"No. It doesn't make a difference. If I try to save both you and Sai, I fail my people. And there is no way to save just one of you. Enough. This is of no use."
Despite the kitsune's words, Hikaru's own anger calmed, though it did not truly disappear. The fox spirit looked as if his body felt every single second of each millennium he had lived through.
Slumping slightly as well, Hikaru let his hands fall to his sides. "Did you know that, before tonight, the hardest thing I did each day was to get up and face the goban, with Sai behind me and Touya Akira ahead? Okay, so it's nothing like facing Hell year after year, or losing all your people, or stuff like that, but I gotta get up every day knowing how much better Sai is at Go and how most people would rather play against him -- including my eternal rival. I have to play knowing how far behind everyone I am ... and knowing how, behind my back, people think that my skills are a fluke -- they don't think I know, but I do. I hear it, every time I lose a game, every time I show that I don't know EVERYTHING there is to know about the stupid other stuff that comes with Go, like kifus, insei tests, and proper behavior and crap. Except for Sai, NO one thinks I can keep my pro rank - sometimes it's like everyone is just waiting for me to screw up."
"It's hard, but it's also the best thing I do each day. No matter how much it hurts, I'm not gonna curl up in some corner and let Sai or Touya or anyone control my moves, even if they're better than me. I'm gonna play, I'm going to play as myself, and I'm going to show them all who I really am. I'm just a puny mortal -- maybe I don't know better. Call me stupid, but I don't think it's about having a soul or not or being able to change or not. You still have a choice, you know? Between the Hell that you make, and the Hell that others make for you. Believe me, I know that."
For the first time, Hikaru met Osusuki's eyes ... and really met them, green to green. He had always been less than adept when it came to the art of speech making and subtlety, but Hikaru willed the fox spirit to understand, to grasp what he was trying so hard to say.
The kitsune remained quiet for a long time. When he spoke again, his voice had the same soft, almost whispering tone it had held before.
"Unfortunately, despite that rather cliched and overdramatic speech, I still will not accept your soul, whether you give it to me or not. Kitsune cannot take nor be given souls."
Hikaru closed his eyes. Back to square one. I'm sorry Sai ...
"And there is nothing we can do about Sai and his game," Osusuki held up a hand, forestalling Hikaru's tirade. "The game has begun, and by every rule known to that of the wandering, and doubly so by my kind, it must play its way through. But..."
The tips of Osusuki's fangs showed, and Hikaru found, for the first time, that he welcomed the sight. Tension had begun to seep back into the kitsune's posture, and Hikaru felt something stir within him -- not hope, but something akin to it. The kitsune was on the hunt again, instead of resigning himself to being the prey. The fox spirit paced slowly around the clearing, his hands held behind his back. After a few moments, he looked up. A low rumble, almost like a purr, vibrated in the air. "We might be able to use that."
"You're going to help me, aren't you? You changed your mind ..." Hikaru breathed.
"I don't know about that. I doubt I can help you. And no. I have not changed. I cannot ...but I can learn from my past mistakes ... and occasionally, I can be taught, no matter how galling the teacher."
"What are you gonna do? What are we gonna do?"
"What else but a trick, little kitling? It is what my kind does best, after all. I cannot take your soul, but ... I do not need a soul to fight. I've been going about this the wrong way. As much as it pains me to admit it, perhaps you weren't the one who lost the true definitions between good, evil, and the wandering shadows in-between. Anyway, your first plan isn't all flawed. However, I cannot take all your memories, for the Lord of All Evil will surely notice that. It cannot be an illusion, for those will not hold either. Let's try truth. With enough truth to muddle things, perhaps even the Lord of Evil can be fooled into making a mistake."
The kitsune had his fan out again, and he spread it outward before curling it back so that it half hid his face. "And if he makes a mistake ..."
"Sai might have a chance to win! But what about your people ... wait. You know ..." Hikaru paused, shifting through his share of the kitsune's memories. "He only said you had to bring him a star soul. You actually brought him two."
Osusuki blinked. Hikaru nearly grinned as he realized he had done the impossible yet again ... he had surprised a kitsune twice in one night.
"You may have a point. I doubt, however, that matters will be quite that simple. Still ... perhaps I do see a route to save Sai and my people. The Lord of Evil would like to lay claim to both of your souls, and he does not like to lose. So if the game looks like it's about to be lost entirely, Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama will have to resort to other means to save face .... like temptation. Sai may have a chance to bargain and to change his sentence. And I have to admit, the trick has a nice symmetry to it ... for cheating, the Lord of the Ever Living lie ends up cheating himself."
Osusuki clapped the fan shut with a quick click of his claws. "The Lord of Evil will be using your mind to see your analysis of Sai's past games. However, human memories are notoriously malleable. They change over time, vary from situation to situation, and shift to reflect your emotional state. At any rate, your memory and mind will show him Sai's games. However, no one said you had to show them correctly."
Osusuki sketched a line out in the air. A golden ribbon formed. "Think of this like the thread of your memories. Say that this thread specifically represents your memory of a single game. The beginning is here, the middle, here, and the end, there. Everything is clean and linear. However, if I crumple it like this and tie even more memories together..." three more ribbons appeared, and they twisted together.
"All the points touch haphazardly. It is still a true memory formed from true games. But if done correctly ..." The four ribbons which had been tied together unfurled into a whole streamer as Osusuki opened his hands, palms upward.
"Not one game, not one strategy, but a mix of them, made to seem whole. Perhaps it will be enough to give one or two crucial moves to Sai. At the level that he and Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama are playing, one mistake can make the difference. "
"But that's not gonna work. I mean, one game can't be merged into another." Hikaru scratched his head. "I understand what you're trying to do ... but one Go game is very different from another. He's gonna notice if things are all scrambled up."
"Ah, but the possibilities behind certain sets of moves are the same. It depends on finding which points verge on the same possibilities, and build from those bits and pieces. And it's not like I'm a novice in Go. I have played for several millenniums, and I am actually quite good, if I say so myself. Moreover, I have played Sai before -- I was there when he first started forming his strategies. I can use what I know about his games to merge your memories believably. And it's not like I am going to change all of your games; that would be too obvious. The majority, though, will have at least one or two moves switched. Much like how human games are recorded on paper and kept in libraries for reference, Amatsu Mikaboshi will be flipping through your thoughts to look for patterns; we're just altering how some of the entries are listed."
"But ... there's a "but" ... right?"
"In order to convince Amatsu Mikaboshi he is seeing real games, I will have to go in and really change your mind, to put it mildly."
Osusuki met Hikaru's gaze directly once again. The ribbon in the air fell and Hikaru caught it in reflex, twining its smooth length through his fingers.
"You offered all your memories to me earlier. Do you really know what that entails? I can change your memories, but I might not be able to change them back. You may never be able to recover the true sequence of the games. It might even affect your ability to build new memories ...and it may even extend to affect your ability to concentrate. Essentially, you may have to learn how to play all over again, and you probably will never play as well as you can now. "
Hikaru felt the world suddenly tilt. Of all his talents, his ability to immerse himself deeply in a game was his strongest ability, one that even Sai admired. And his ability to memorize and recreate games, to adapt strategies from those memories ... without that ... Hikaru twisted his sleeves in his hands.
An image of Touya Akira wafted smokelike through his mind's eye. He thought of being as helpless in Go as he was when they had first met -- of having to start the chase all over again --- the Touya Akira in his mind turned and walked away. A familiar, bitter laugh echoed in Hikaru's ears. "I'll never appear in front of you again."
"I'd lose my eternal rival. My pro standing. Everything me an' Sai worked for ..." Hikaru whispered, "I'd be left behind, while the others go forward."
"And you won't know why. In order to convince Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama, you must honestly believe, with all your heart and soul, that you are seeing the real games. Thus, I must ensure that you don't know that your memories have changed."
Osusuki leaned forward slightly, and his tone deepened. "To you, everything will seem normal. Your memories of Sai will remain intact, as will those of all your friends and family. Only your Go abilities will be affected. If you indeed win your soul back and return to the waking world, you will soon discover that you cannot trust your instincts anymore. You will have to question every move you make, wondering if your strategy is faulty.You will have to face your friends every day and see their disappointment in your inability to play. Total strangers will call you washed out, burned out, a fraud. And all the doubt you have endured ... the taunts ... if you go through with this, you will soon start to believe what people say, for you will see your failures, but not understand the reasons behind them. Taking your soul, perhaps, would be kinder."
"Y-you said 'might' ... right?" Hikaru winced as his voice quavered, but he could do little to stop it, "As in, there might still be a chance to fix it ..."
"It depends on how the game ends. Sai ... Sai may be able to put things back in order without severe mental damage, once the game is through. After all, he holds the same memories as you do regarding your Go strategies and games. And there is that fact that your mind is not exactly alien territory to him; he can truly heal you from within. But if he loses, or if he cannot bargain with Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi, then he will not return in time from Hell to help you. And ... there is the chance that by altering your mind, I might break the link between you two. Part of Sai lives in your memories of Go. That is another reason why Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama wants to see inside your mind so badly. But if I damage that part ..."
Hikaru staggered, feet suddenly unsteady and unable to bear his weight. He barely noticed when Osusuki hurriedly waved a hand, though he was grateful for the chair that suddenly appeared under him.
"To be honest, I'm actually being overly optimistic here."
"Oh crap. There's more?!"
"The worst case scenario is if Amatsu Mikaboshi figures out what I've done and rips your mind apart to find the real games. I don't think you'll like that. I'm not going to like that either, actually, for he'll be rather upset at me as well. If Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi does figure it out, and he goes after you... even if you do win ... Hell does not necessarily have to be a place, Shindo Hikaru. As you have noted, it's a state of mind, at times." Osusuki tapped his claws to his lips. "So consider the implications carefully, little kitling. I have had more than my fill of destroying star souls and sending them to Hell. Once was enough already."
Osusuki bent his head slightly. Watching him, Hikaru could not quite describe the feeling, but he thought he might have briefly grasped both the the pain and the pleasure of mortality, even with its set path towards death.
Immortality, it seemed, held far more terrors than simply having to die with time.
"If you could do this to my mind ... if you could change it ... why didn't you just take your memories from me? If you guys have so much power, why aren't kitsune the supreme rulers of everything?"
"First thing, with taking your memories ...it's dependent on your cooperation. There are rules my kind must follow. You've seen firsthand what happens when I break them. I wager that I could've bent the rules a little regarding taking my memories back from you, since they aren't technically yours, but it is infinitely easier if I have your permission."
"As to your second question, my powers are based on making you believe in things that aren't there... or to simplify the matter further -- to make you believe. However, a mortal mind must be open enough to believe. A trick only works if one is willing to be tricked, and magic only dazzles when there is trust in the power behind the magic. It's all cheap smoke and card tricks to the skeptical. Given the right type of mind, there's no limit to what I can do. As things stand, mortals generally refuse to believe in my kind and ignorance can be as much as a shield as it is a hindrance, you know."
Osusuki shook his head mockingly. "Besides, you humans rate your realm too highly. Not every magically enhanced being wants to rule your world, no matter what your fantasies say. I know I don't. Don't look so surprised. What ... do you think that our realms should engage in some sort of ultimate fighting tournament, where the champions of your world power up to battle one on one over the fate of the universe? Please. It's much less hassling and much more amusing to watch you run around destroying yourselves."
"Regardless, the problem isn't getting you to believe what I put in your mind. It's the 'un'-believing part. You won't remember anything that went on in this clearing. You won't trust me anymore, and you will not let me back in ... you will be downright hostile, I imagine. If you're in that state and if you fight me, it will make it nearly impossible to unravel your memories without shredding your mind entirely."
Hikaru glanced at the golden ribbon, crumpling it slightly. "What do you mean I won't trust you anymore? I don't trust you NOW. But I still say we do it."
Osusuki nodded curtly. "As you wish. You won't be able to remember, but don't say I didn't warn you. There is something, though, that I have to test. But it won't be pleasant."
A nervous hiccup started to bubble in Hikaru when he caught the knife-sharp expression that glittered, ice-like, in the fox spirit's eyes.
"What are you --OW!"
The spike of pain nearly knocked him off his seat. Hikaru was only peripherally aware of strong arms supporting him. His thoughts felt like they were on fire, each synapse screaming with its own discordant agony.
"Son of a BITCH!" He swore when the pain abruptly vanished. He felt the tips of the kitsune's claws on the top of his head, and he swiped them away. "What did you do?!"
"I wanted to try something."
"Try WHAT? Shish-kebabing my brain?!"
"I tested your mental barriers, to see how resistant your mind is to being influenced. Not surprisingly, your barriers are extremely low. They have to be, in order to let Sai stay in your mind. Nonetheless, I found something else, something that resists, though it's not a mental barrier. The truly odd thing is that I am not totally sure that it's entirely you who is providing the resistance. Earlier, when I immobilized you, you shouldn't have been able to break free. But you did." Osusuki paused, and his eyes became slightly unfocused. "There is something in you ... a space apart from the rest, a space filled with something that ... something that may not even be you, something I don't understand. Like I said, your soul is not alone."
"Sai ..."
The kitsune said nothing.
"Is this gonna be a problem?" Hikaru rubbed at his head, trying to rid himself of the residual spikes of pain that laced through his mind.
"Well, if it gives me so much trouble, I can only hope it'll do the same to Amatsu Mikaboshi-sama," the words, while not exactly encouraging, made Hikaru straighten.
"Wait! How about you? What if the Lord of Stench tries to read your mind? You said you had no illusions ..."
"It is your mind he's interested in, so it is your thoughts that will be under direct attack. Moreover, I still have some power within my own thoughts, behind my mask. And evil expects everyone to act out of his or her own best interest. My best interest is to make you give up your soul tonight. Though if the Lord of the Night Unending finds out about our proposed plan, ... no thought of mine will matter anymore. Anyway, all this may prove unnecessary. Sai still could win, even if Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi uses you. You need more than just strategies to carry a game."
"No," Hikaru took a deep breath, wincing as the ache behind his eyeballs peaked again. Time for the final moves. The last attack. "This is our best chance. And even if ... sometimes, you gotta sacrifice pieces, you know? To win."
"I could just take my memories, leave you with yours, and you wouldn't know the difference."
"You could. But you won't."
"Never trust a kitsune, Hikaru. Especially not me."
"But I am trusting that you are a kitsune ... and that you're gonna act like one. And what's with the Hikaru now? Should I call you Susu? Man, am I ever gonna hear it from Waya and Touya when I get out of this. It'll be bye bye brain, hello world o' mockery. Why does everything in the universe get together to make me look stupid anyway?!" Hikaru stopped, then swallowed. "Sai will find a way to fix it later. I know he will. 'Cause me an' him .. it's not only about Go. It's not. We have more than that holding us together ... don't we?"
He closed his eyes. In the sudden stillness within his mind, he thought he might have heard himself mumbling goodbye to something. Or someone. Perhaps it wasn't even Sai. "Do it."
He felt Osusuki touch his head with a claw.
Then nothing.
to be continued in 8b