In the Forests of the Night
A Hikaru no Go Ghost story
As ever, to Imbrium. Hang in there ... we're almost through!
Part 9: Seizing the Fire
If he was to be totally honest with himself, Hikaru had to admit he hated Torajiro to some extent. Sai had always praised the Go saint's gentle soul and his intelligence in all things. On the other hand, Hikaru had lost count of how many times Sai had beseeched the heavens for an answer as to why he had been paired with a stubborn lummox like his current host. Sitting half slumped on the hard surface of the dais, where the battle for his soul had reached an uncomfortable stalemate, Hikaru closed his eyes tight as the pain in his head echoed the panic he felt. Torajiro had probably never asked Sai to help him cheat on his history tests or bugged the Go genius to help him earn money through his games. The Go saint most likely never insulted Sai either by calling him selfish, whiny, and useless for anything besides Go. Hikaru glanced up at his fellow deishi, then quickly looked away again, feeling unaccountably guilty.
Okay, maybe hate is the wrong word... but I don't have to LIKE the guy, even if Sai thinks he's the best thing in the world since the folding fan. Hikaru rubbed the bridge of his nose. From Touya Akira, to all the other insei, to even Sai himself ... it was as if some invisible ruler was constantly being held up to him and finding him wanting. His life seemed nothing more than a series of half-failed expectations ... or lack thereof, in the case of his parents.
And I'm not an idiot! I know it'd be a whole lot easier if I took the easy way out and let Sai play. The others would have been satisfied. His parents, perhaps, might have noticed, especially if their son suddenly became horrendously famous overnight, even if it was only in the Go world. There would be no more failures, no more running after people and trying to prove himself worthy. People would actually run after him.
But ... it wouldn't be him. Hikaru gritted his teeth. Taking another furtive look at the other ghost, he was glad he had a fan to hide behind. Even Hell couldn't change or shadow Torajiro's inner or outer beauty. He knew that the look on his own face would not be as pleasant.
Man, why does he have to look like a pretty boy anyway? Why couldn't he be a hunchback or drool or something?! In comparison, Hikaru felt like something found on the bottom of his shoes, after walking through a heavily populated dog park.
"Torajiro ..." Sai rasped again, his body half bowed over the goban. With what seemed to be a weariness past the ability of time to measure, the Go genius struggled to his feet. He turned to face his former student, then flinched back, as if someone had slapped him. "No. He was a good person and he died helping others. If anyone deserves eternal rest, it is him!"
Sai's aura crackled and hissed, causing a slight wind to stir around him, tangling through his long hair. "Take back this false shadow, Lord of the Ever Hidden Lie, for I will not be tricked so easily."
"I didn't say he wasn't worthy of heaven, did I?" Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi laughed, a rich soulful sound filled with real, genuine humor. Hikaru felt his skin crinkle up with goosebumps. Evil had no place to laugh like that, as if it had some sort of heart to know joy. "He did have such a caring, spotless soul. Rather distinctly unlike you, Fujiwara. Like you already said, he died to help his students. With you, it seems to be the other way around. You died, and your students must help you. And I must say you trained ol' Shusaku well. Torajiro was rather like a beaten puppy, wasn't he? Always rolling and showing his belly every time you asked him too. One would think you would want to be rid of your current deishi, who is less than accommodating when it comes to rolling over and being dominated."
Hikaru forced himself to stay still. In front of him, Sai remained quiet. The ghost turned his back to the Demon Lord as well as his former student. If Hikaru looked up, he knew he would find Sai staring at him. He kept his gaze focused on the wooden slats of his fan instead. He didn't want to see the look on Sai's face, now that Torajiro was here. Some things he never wanted nor wished to know.
"Imagine how your poor, honest, kindhearted Torajiro reacted to seeing you trapped in the mortal plane without a chance at rest or peace."
Hikaru didn't need anyone to tell him exactly how Torajiro would have reacted. He scrunched even further into himself.
"You have to admit that Torajiro was dedicated, even if his sacrifice was futile."
Sai took one step sideways, as if he was about to turn around, but then drew away abruptly, his sleeves falling and trailing against the ground.
"I do not understand, most honorable one. Why do you want Hikaru's soul so badly? If you really have Torajiro, then you already have a star soul. Why would you want to trade him for Hikaru?" he asked. Hikaru bit his tongue, holding back his own commentary. Anger and fear flushed through him, leaving his skin hot and uncomfortable.
What is he saying? That I'm ...
The Lord of All Evil flicked his fingers dismissively. "Nevermind that; think about what I'm offering you instead. Surely, as a master of the game, you can appreciate thatthe true form of the game is a gateway between the past, present, and potential future. In that spirit, I am offering the one who betrayed you and the one who redeemed you. I am giving you a chance to take control of your destiny, to make the move that would win you the best outcome, and to seize your own potential future. And surely you want to help you first, loyal deishi. So ... the real question is not whether I would give up Torajiro for Hikaru, but whether you would."
"Torajiro," Sai murmured again. The aching resonance in those simple syllables ... Hikaru's anger sputtered out, leaving him feeling vaguely chilled and ashamed of himself. Inexplicably, he thought of the rings of pine trees, and the hard centers they enclosed. Sai's grief seemed akin to that, growing outward from a single source, layer upon layer, year upon year, each ring marking a new stage. Unable to resist, Hikaru peered up through the wooden slats of his fan.
More than a thousand years' worth of pain closed their circuits in the weary drop of Sai's shoulders and the trembling that shook his form. Swallowing hard, Hikaru swung his gaze back toward Torajiro, taking his first long look at Sai's former host. His eyes widened at how pale and washed out the Go saint appeared. Sai had never looked like that; he had always seemed so solid to Hikaru, to the point that the boy would sometimes forget and hold the door for him, or warn him about rough spots that he couldn't possibly trip over. In contrast, Torajiro's image was like a photograph left in the sun. Only the barest hint of the darkest details remained.
"Sai," Torajiro spoke for the first time, though Hikaru had to strain to hear him. The Go saint's slight voice hovered just above the threshold of hearing. "Please ..."
Slowly, each of his movements uncharacteristically jerky and arrhythmic, Sai turned around. For a moment, both he and Torajiro merely stared at one another, then Sai reached out a hand. The air began to crackle and thrum as Torajiro mirrored the motion. At the moment of contact, a flare of star white intensity flashed between the two ghosts, leaving Hikaru's eyes to water as they tried to adjust. He rubbed at them, though neither the afterimages ... nor the tearing sensation ... abated easily.
"It is you, isn't it?" Sai's voice was little more than a fraying thread of sound. "It is you."
"I'm sorry." Torajiro finally raised his head, though the rest of his bearing remained stooped and half-bowed. His form, however, seemed more focused and less faded than before."I'm so very sorry."
Sai stiffened. One hand drifted over his chest, on level with his heart, and clenched into a fist. "T-that's ...t-that was one of the last things you said to me, before ..."
His eyes closed, and his face became blank, as if he had been pushed to an emotion beyond expression.
Watching the both them, Hikaru felt something within himself shiver apart, though the sensation was also mixed with a slight bit of confusion as well. It took him a couple of breaths to realize why. The pain was his alone -- there was nothing from the part of him he associated with Sai -- none of the teeth clenching nausea, none of the bone breaking chill. The sadness in the ghost should have been enough to tie his own guts in gordian knots.
Nothing. Nothing but the sharp, tightening coil that defined his own emotions, nothing but his own nails digging half moons into his palms, aching.
Or maybe with Torajiro here, our link ... no. I'm not gonna think about that. It's not like it's FUN to be puking my guts out. I'm GLAD I don't feel anything! I am!
Yeah. Right. It was odd, though. It was the first time he had ever wanted to be sick, the first time he ever asked for that chaotic curl and sway which was the unique signature of Sai's grief within him.
Hikaru twisted the fan in his hands. The hard edges distracted him from what truly hurt.
"Strange isn't it? I'm actually telling the truth," Amatsu Mikaboshi laughed again, with that same, soulful sound he had produced before. "Now that you believe me, what will you do?"
Inch by staggering inch, like a flag raised against a scything wind, Sai gathered himself up once more. Something long and silver flickered at his side. "Let Torajiro go . He is not yours. Heaven would never allow such a thing to occur ... where the condemned are let to go free, and the innocent left to suffer."
"Heaven may not allow it, but it does nothing to change the fact that it's how things stand. Only you can release him, Fujiwara no Sai. And you know what you must do. He's already given his life over to you once. Will you make him lose his afterlife as well?"
For the longest time, Sai just stood there, not moving, not speaking, not looking at either Hikaru or Torajiro. In those stretched, spinning seconds, Hikaru wondered if Hell hadn't already arrived for him.
"I've ... I've made a mistake," the ghost whispered as he looked downward at his hands. The silver light faded, leaving the shadows to close in once more. "So many mistakes ...Kami-sama, does it ever end?"
"Sai..." Torajiro spoke. Though his steps faltered a little as he approached his former mentor, the Go saint finally showed the first signs of animation since being summoned from Hell. "Sai ... don't. I was the one who ... I thought I was the only one who could ... and when I ...left and you hadn't gained the Hand of God, I thought that you'd be ..."
Torajiro paused, closing his eyes halfway. Something quick and unreadable flashed across his face. Hikaru blinked, but by then, the look was gone. "But you found Shindo-kun. You can still gain the Hand of God, and with that, you'll come for me and my time in Hell will end. I have hope now ... hope in Hell -- it'll be enough."
The ghost turned to Hikaru, and to his surprise, the Go Saint bowed to him. "Kami-sama must have chosen him to complete where I fa ... yes, he must be special. You can finish your path and fate will take its rightful course. I believe it. I truly do."
In contrast to his bravely spoken words, however, Torajiro still seemed rather fragile and vulnerable, reminding Hikaru briefly of just how very, very young the Go saint must have been when Sai had first appeared to him. He found he could not meet the other's eyes again, could not stand to see the faith there. It hurt. Sadness filtered through him. In a night of many disturbing sights, Torajiro's near reverent worship hit him in a place more real than any of the other horrors. To believe in someone or something that much, to the point beyond sacrifice ...
It's not easier. The off kilter realization hit him almost physically, leaving him to hunch in reaction. He felt cold, as if the thick folds of his kimono had suddenly worn thin. Some things he never wanted to know. .. but sometimes, he didn't have a choice. It wasn't any easier for him.
Yet, even given the ghost's paled state, Torajiro's trust in Sai literally shone within his ghostlight; his presence became more solid as he spoke of his convictions. Hikaru felt his hands begin to shake, and he stared at them, a little startled at the involuntary motion. Why? Why would he let ...
"Enough drivel already," Amatsu Mikaboshi rapped his hand against the wood of the platform. "Hope? Oh please. There can be no hope for the damned -- it's not called Hell for nothing you know. I promise you this, with words that are as true as prophecy. I may be the Lord of the Ever Living Lie, but I do not lie in this matter: if Fujiwara no Sai continues on the path he has set for himself now, he will never reach the Hand of God, and he will never release Honinbo Shusaku from his torment. Nor will I let Shindo Hikaru go without scars from tonight's adventure ... no one, ghost or otherwise, will be able to play through him ever again. Though, to be honest, I don't really see that as being much different from your current situation with him, Fujiwara."
Hikaru swallowed heavily as Torajiro turned to face him.
"What does he mean? " the Go Saint blanched, disbelief edging into his tone. "Shindo-kun? You don't let him play?"
"Um ..." Hikaru brought his hands up in a placating gesture. "Erm ...."
Amatsu Mikaboshi snorted. "Let's just say little Shindo-kun is a bit uncooperative. Far from letting Fujiwara play, Shindo doesn't even listen to him much, unless it's convenient for him. Don't you know how they came into the wandering night in the first place? And from what I gather from the boy's thoughts, he never intends to let Fujiwara play at full strength ever again. In fact, how long has it been, Fujiwara, since your current deishi allowed you even one simple move? Shindo Hikaru plays for himself , for his own goals."
The growing shock in Torajiro's face was unnerving. The Go saint actually backed a few steps away from him, as if the very air around Hikaru burned. From somewhere beside Hikaru came a swish of cloth, as if Sai had suddenly startled forward then stopped.
"You don't let him play," Torajiro's expression changed; something beyond rage glittered in his eyes. Streaks of light began to snap and whirl in the ghost's aura, forcing Hikaru to quickly reassess his "Torrie-poo is a wimpy sissy" assumption as the ghost towered over him. "You ... deny him ..."
"Err..."
"Kami-sama sent him to you! You have been given a gift beyond words. And you deny him? What about his sadness? Do you just ignore that?" Torajiro swung his arms in a wide, angry arc, forcing Hikaru to duck out of the way. "What about the Hand of GOD? It is a most sacred and divine goal! It is Sai's only chance at freedom ... for release! You condemn him by not letting him play! You rob him of his chance for peace!"
"I rob HIM for a chance at peace?! Are we talking about the same guy here? It's not like that!" Hikaru declared, finally finding his voice. "It's NOT! You don't understand, I can't ... "
"Torajiro!" Sai stepped between them, hands outspread and entreating. "Hikaru!"
"You can't ?" Torajiro's voice hardened further. "Then what makes you different from the one who condemned or betrayed him in the first place? And at least Sugawara let him play!"
For a moment, silence descended. Hikaru felt his mouth open and close, but nothing came out. Sai had stilled as well, his eyes almost impossibly wide as his gaze flickered back and forth between the two of them.
"T-torajiro, that's not t-true ... Hikaru ... he doesn't let me play, but ... he ..."
"He does not respect you or the path. He is not worthy of you, sensei. He's not worthy of your talents," Torajiro snapped, turning his back towards Hikaru. "He's not worthy of the game."
"What?!" Hikaru was on his feet before he was aware that he wanted to move. "Hold on! I didn't ask for any of this! I didn't ask for Sai to throw himself in the river, or for you to give up your life for him! So you can take your path and SHOVE it. It's not like it WORKED! Sai got himself stuck in a goban, and you ... well, he's STILL stuck here, isn't he?! You and Sai BOTH failed to live your own lives! I'm not going to be like that! I just won't!"
As the last words left his throat, Hikaru blinked, then clapped a hand over his mouth. What did I just say? From the looks on both Sai and Torajiro's faces, he might as well have taken out a sword and gutted them. He opened his mouth again, but no words would come.
"Decide, Fujiwara no Sai," Amatsu Mikaboshi spoke into the brittle silence. "What will it be? Which one will it be?"
Shaken, Hikaru turned to Sai. The ghost's mouth hung half open as he shook his head slowly. "N-no ..."
Amatsu Mikaboshi shook a warning finger at him. "Enough waffling. Either choose Torajiro or continue the game. Though you're damned either way."
"The game ..." Sai murmured, turning toward at the goban. His eyes narrowed, and his shoulders tensed."The game ..."
"So that's your decision? You want to continue with the game and discard Shusaku?"
"No! No, your lordship, I do not wish to give up Torajiro or Hikaru. Instead, I propose ... four stones. Give and take."
"Excuse me?"
Sai closed his eyes, his hands clenching against the side of his robes. When his eyes opened again, they were calm. "Your most revered majesty ... please consider my most meager proposal. Let me give you four stones to place wherever you wish on the board. Also, if you so wish, you can take any four stones of mine from the board. That should effectively erase my earlier, unfair advantage. In exchange, I humbly beg your lordship to allow me to play for Kuwahara Torajiro's soul as well as Shindo Hikaru's. If I win, you must let both of their souls go in peace. "
"And I suppose you want your freedom too? What if I won't agree to that?"
"I ... would still honor the second part of my wager and stay with you for a thousand years, provided that you leave both of their minds intact. If I lose, then all of us will go to Hell. Together."
Sai! No! Hikaru's voice still seemed to be on hiatus however; all that came out was a frantic rush of air. His mind froze, incapable of transmitting a single thought. His expression similarly startled, Torajiro turned toward the Go genius, but immediately drew back when Sai held up a hand.
"I know what I'm doing," he said as he met both of their eyes.
No you don't, you idiot! the haze around Hikaru's mind finally cleared as a bolt of pure panic shot through him. Don't do this! Don't agree! We're stuck back where we started! But this time it's worse! Hikaru felt like hitting something, but he didn't dare interrupt, not when the situation was already so precarious. Please, if anyone is out there, don't let Sai do this . . .
"Four to give and take? You really like your puns, don't you Fujiwara? Hmm. You do realize, that at this stage, giving me those stones pretty much seals the end of the game. I am almost tempted to be insulted .... do you really think I need this advantage to recover? Why not just take the deal I've offered you and leave with Torajiro? Save what you can."
"I will not make the same mistakes again. I will not leave either one of my deishi, nor let them be sacrificed for me." Sai took his place beside the goban. With an arcing sweep of his arms, he sat down. "We play."
Hikaru clenched his teeth as Torajiro followed Sai. I'm not going to get any help from him. Torajiro will go along with whatever Sai does....
The Go saint's expression became determined and composed as he took his place behind the his former sensei. The auras around both Sai and Torajiro merged, presenting an united front towards the Lord of Darkness. Hikaru had to squint as he slowly settled himself. From his new position behind the two, even the shadows shed by Sai and Torajiro's ghostlights seemed to have more of a presence than he did.
But this ... this isn't the answer! It's not!
"Four stones to give and take ..." repeated Amatsu Mikaboshi. "You condemn both your disciples' souls with this proposal."
"The game has yet to finish. Please take your turn, your excellency."
Sai ... !
"Actually, I do believe it is your turn. Not that it makes a huge difference, but no one can say that Evil wasn't being fair now ..." Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi smacked his leg, laughing uproariously. "Ahh, I just KILL myself with sarcasm sometimes ..."
Sai reached into his Go ke. His hand shot out and slapped the stone down. Hikaru groaned internally. Crap! There was something wrong about this, something that chewed on his already gnawed nerves. Too late. Sai's made his move.
"There, your lordship. Now, please, place your four stones and then take the ones you wish."
The Demon Lord selected a stone and held it above the goban. He made a great show of hemming and hawing, letting his hand drift across the available spaces. Hikaru's eyes automatically followed the movement, tracking it to the goban. The image abruptly fractured in front of him, and the resulting nausea made him curl up again.
"Hikaru!"
"That was so not a good idea," he moaned as he folded his arms across his stomach. Why is it still doing this?! I thought we fix-- auuuugh! I wanna barf up my toenails ... Is this what Amatsu Mikaboshi meant when he said I'm not going to make it out without scars? Panting, he rode out the spinning wave of vertigo. To his vast relief, the dizziness lessened with each passing moment , and the world steadied again. Great, it's not like the insei don't make fun of me already ... wait til' they get a load of Play n' Puke Shindo Hikaru.
"I see someone's brain is still a little squishy and raw," Amatsu Mikaboshi chuckled. "Still not recovered fully yet, boy? You humans do have such delicate minds."
"Hikaru, hold on ... it'll be okay ..." Sai's comforting voice still surrounded him, but the ghost remained seated beside the goban. He made no move towards Hikaru.
Not that Hikaru needed any help; the nausea had nearly died out. Not as bad as last time. Maybe it's getting better? If I just don't look ...
He weakly pounded the dais with a fist, hating each shaky movement. After all he had been through, he still couldn't see what was likely to be the most important (not to mention perhaps the last) game of his life.
"You know, I will certainly have to insist that you fix his mind more thoroughly before I take him to Hell, Fujiwara," Amatsu Mikaboshi remarked. "He's somewhat useless like that.""
It's not fair! Hikaru howled internally, bringing his fist up again. A hand abruptly closed around his fingers, gently stopping its descent. He looked up to find Torajiro watching him, head slightly tilted. After a moment, he also registered a warm weight on his shoulder and realized the Torajiro had also placed a hand there as well. Whoa ... how did... he's totally solid now. But when did he move? How long has he been there? Oh crap, I hope he's not still mad about Sai...
Anger still sparked in the Go saint's expression, but there was an odd trace of compassion, as well as a strange sense of empathy. The ghost used his grip on Hikaru's hand to pull him back into a sitting position. A faint expression of surprise lingered on the Go saint's face as he glanced down at their clasped hands. For a fleeting moment, Hikaru felt as if he was intricately connected to something much much larger and more ancient than him.
Torajiro took his hand back hesitantly. "You looked like you were in pain."
Hikaru realized belatedly that Torajiro was probably the reason that his nausea had faded so quickly. Somehow, the other ghost was shielding him, much as Sai had done. "Th-thanks. You ... didn't have to. But ... thanks."
"It's not because I have to, Shindo-kun." The Go saint said as he settled himself next to Hikaru. "You were hurting. I could help."
Both deishi held each others' gaze for a heartbeat. Feeling as if he had touched upon something important that he didn't quite yet understand, Hikaru was the first to look away. At the edge of his vision, Hikaru could see Sugawara no Akitada watching him as well. Something almost electric crackled through him as he returned the ancient imperial tutor's gaze. The feeling faintly echoed the one he received from Torajiro. Sai's former host and Sai's betrayer --
Whoa .... He drew a sharp breath. Even Mr. Cheater?! Why am I feeling this with them and not with ... is it just because we're Hostages R' Us for Sai? Or is it something else?
"Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi, let's finish this." Sai's voice interrupted his thoughts. The ghost waved a hand toward the goban.
"No," To Hikaru's surprise Amatsu Mikaboshi dropped the stone back into his bowl. "When I said no more deals with you, Fujiwara no Sai, I meant it. You must decide which one of your deishi ... if any ... you try to free."
Sai rocked backwards, a look of bewilderment spreading across his face. "You won't play me?"
"Just returning the favor you paid me, more than a thousand years past," Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi smiled, leaning forward slightly. "The game has failed you yet again. And my curse has come to full fruition; there are no rivers you can throw yourself into this time. Give me your answer; will it be Torajiro, or will you lose them both?"
Sai ... Hikaru glanced around. The lamplight glittered on all the eyes around them; every beast, monster, or god seem to pant with anticipation. A flash of almost-memory overwhelmed him, of rabbits-on-the-run, of leaping for the lifeblood in the throat.
Sai lifted his head, and something in his eyes shimmered like tears. "I cannot ..."
"I'm getting a little ... irked, Fujiwara."
Hikaru screamed as a bolt of white hot agony lanced through him. By his side, something moved. Fingers rapidly traced over the top of his head, trailing feather-like across his face, before settling again on his shoulders. The pain faded to a bearable level, and Hikaru opened his eyes. In front of him, Torajiro's expression was grim, his mouth thinned into a straight line. His aura snapped and flared as he held off the Demon Lord's attack.
"Hold on, Shindo-kun," he whispered. "Sai will make it all right."
"Hikaru! Torajiro!"
"Choose."
The air grew hazy and thick with the building power. Little streaks of lightening snapped around them all. Unable to stop himself, Hikaru whimpered, and Torajiro's aura flared as the Go saint dug his fingers into Hikaru's kimono.
"They can't hold against me for much longer, Fujiwara. And I'm just playing with them. I could get serious ..."
Sai stood, his hands clenched and his expression trapped and frantic. "I ..."
"I guess I'll have to have some more fun then..." Amatsu Mikaboshi raised his hands. Hikaru winced as Torajiro's grip on his shoulders became painfully tight. The Go saint had shut his eyes tight and his lips were moving, as if he was reciting some desperate, soundless prayer. To Hikaru's horror, the edges to Torajiro's image had begun to blur in and out. At this rate, Sai was going to lose the both of them.
No, he IS going to lose the both of us, if he makes a decision. The realization made Hikaru bite his lip hard enough to draw blood. We're all going to lose ...
"Say goodbye, Fujiwara ..."
"No! Torajiro! Hikaru! ... I ... I choose ..."
"NO! "
Everything came to screeching halt. Hikaru nearly toppled sideways as Torajiro's hold on him suddenly disappeared. Everyone - from gods to lowly tanuki- was now staring at him. Both Sai and Torajiro had frozen, their mouths hanging half open, arms akimbo, looking more like comedic statues than ghosts. Even Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi had stopped mid-gesture. Instead of frying Hikaru's mind, the Lord of the Night Unending was now glaring at him with one eyebrow raised. At least the pain had stopped as well, Hikaru noted gratefully, though he wondered why everyone was ...
Wait ... was that my squeaky voice saying "no"?
His fan fell from his suddenly nerveless fingers, though it did not disappear once it left his hands. Instead, it hit the podium with an almost obscenely loud clatter. Hikaru bent down slowly, carefully snatched it up, then folded it closed, highly conscious of the fact that his movements were being followed and scrutinized down to the very last clumsy tremor.
"Now what?" Amatsu Mikaboshi crossed his arms. "If you keep interrupting, your risk having your brain begin to slop out of your ears."
"Uh..." he stared at his lap, hoping for inspiration. Why did I open my big mouth?!
"If you have something to say, either speak, or let me continue to slice and dice your mind like a good little mortal."
Hikaru gulped. What do I say? What can I say? What can I do? What can I ... do ...
"Well?"
"Giving up is still an option, but I don't encourage it ..." another almost-memory wisped through him. "You do not know your own worth, nor do you know the depth of your own mind ..."
"Do you have anything of importance to contribute or should I just carry on with the mindless torture?"
The depth of my own mind ...And ... my own worth ...
Though he didn't quite know why, Hikaru raised his head and searched the crowd for a familiar-yet-unfamiliar face. Intense steel blue eyes caught his, puzzled but unflinching below a short swath of sea green bangs. The eyes weren't exactly the same, no, -- this gaze spoke of rushing rivers and slashing rain instead of creating stars and bridging crosslines -- but the reminder was enough. My own worth ...
"I'm not Torajiro. I'm not Fujiwara no Sai," he whispered.
"What?" the god of Hell seemed genuinely taken aback. He slanted his head, causing his silver-white hair to ripple and catch the lamplight. "Is there really so little left of your mind? We all know very well that you are neither a Go Saint nor a Go Genius."
"But you still want my soul more than even Sai's or Torajiro's. Cause you're going through all this trouble," His mouth went dry, and he held tight to his fan, forcing himself to croak out the rest of the words. "This isn't about any of the others here, is it? It's about me. It's about MY soul 'cause S-sai's ..." the words rasped harshly in his throat. "He's already dead and trapped in a goban. And Torajiro's already damned .. as well as everyone else here. Everyone, except ...."
"Yes, yes, we get that part. It is rather obvious." Amatsu Mikaboshi waved at him impatiently. "But what does this have anything to do with my bargain with Fujiwara? If I'm not mistaken, he IS your sensei, is he not? You are bond by his decision to play me for your soul. Or is there something you're not telling me?"
"Sai ... Sai's taught me everything I know 'bout Go and a whole lot of other stuff. But that doesn't mean he can play for me. He an' me ... it doesn't work that way with us. It can't work that way." Hikaru thought he saw Torajiro stumble slightly, but he did not look to confirm it. "It's like you said. I play for myself, for my own goals. I live my own life. And because ..." half-remembered words coalesced, spilling from his mouth before he had a chance to stop them. "Because ... between the Hell I make for myself, and the Hell others make for me .... I've always chosen my own."
"You choose Hell? You would bargain with me, on your own terms?"
"Hikaru! NO!" Sai broke out of his immobility, quickly closing the distance between them until he was kneeling in front of the still huddled Hikaru, blocking his view of the Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi. "I will NOT allow you to do this!" He thundered. His fan had reappeared, and he was now jabbing it at Hikaru's face. "I FORBID it!"
"You WHAT?! When have I ever let you boss me around? You said you wouldn't let this sensei thing go to your head!" Hikaru crossed his arms and scowled at Sai, who in turn continued to stare at him as if a goban bearing tree had sprouted from Hikaru's head.
"Shindo-kun, you cannot give evil what it wants! You don't understand ... with your soul, Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi will have enough power to ..." Torajiro flanked Hikaru's other side. Between the two ghosts, Hikaru was surrounded by a veritable wall of seething poltergeist energy.
With a grimace, Hikaru stood up. "You sacrificed your soul for Sai ... you really think I'd just let him sacrifice himself for me? That I don't care about him? It'd destroy him if he lost you to Hell -- don't you know that?! I don't know what else to do!"
"It's ... I know you care, but you don't understand, Shindo-kun. I didn't just ..." Torajiro's eyebrows drew together in confusion. "You think I would just ..."
"NO!" Sai whirled to face Amatsu Mikaboshi. This time, the sword seemed to leap into existence in Sai's hand. Hikaru sprinted forward, placing himself in front of his incensed friend. He reached out, grasping the hand that held the deadly weapon. Hikaru felt the fingers below his own tighten on the handle of the sword.
"Sai ...please don't. This won't work."
"And as much as I would love to handle this with violence, I really do want to know what your disciple has to say," the Demon Lord gestured at Hikaru. "Am I hearing you correctly? You will join me now, of your own free will ... in return for these two souls?"
"HIKARU!" Sai pushed past him, snapping Hikaru's hold and bringing the sword into an attack position. "NO, HE WILL NOT!"
"Oh, be quiet!" With a casual flick of his hand, Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi sent Sai flying off the platform to crash heavily into the crowd.
"SAI!" Torajiro jumped off the platform after the ghost. Though he was equally worried, Hikaru didn't dare take his attention away from the Lord of Hell.
"So, Shindo Hikaru ... I must say it is refreshing to deal with you directly. In exchange for your soul, I will free both Sai and his old student. Do you agree? "
"SHINDO-KUN!"
" HIKARU!"
Hikaru's mind shut out both Torajiro's and Sai's voices. "Well ...um ... Not ... exactly ..."
" WHAT?!"
It took a few moments for Hikaru's ears to stop ringing from the combined shout of what seemed to be everyone around him.
"Has it ever occurred to ANYONE that I don't want to sacrifice myself, but that I want to PLAY the Lord High Whatever of Evil? Cause I don't think the sacrificing thingie works . Forking over your own soul ... or life ... even to save someone else ... it's screwed up! It's a trap. Everyone just ends up feeling crappy ... either I feel crappy that Sai and Torajiro had to go to Hell for me, or they feel crappy about me. It even makes ol' brushbutt feel guilty, and he's got less morals than a porno! Evil still wins all ways round, doesn't it?" Hikaru took a deep breath, gathering his courage, before looking straight at the Lord of Evil. He felt an odd jiggling sensation begin in his stomach, so he hurried his words along, before the hiccups could start. "I'll still give you the same four and four advantage Sai offered, but I'll take his place. It's kinda become a tradition between us, anyways. I always butt into his games."
The silence that surrounded his declaration was so profound that it seemed louder than the outburst that had preceded it. Hikaru did not know whether to laugh or cry at the flabbergasted expression that currently graced not only Sai's face, but Torajiro's .... and Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi.
"You? Play me?" The Lord of the Night Unending blinked, one hand snapping his fan closed. Hikaru knew that, for one of the few times in any history of any world, someone had managed to catch Evil totally flatfooted. "You would dare? You, a little weakling who is barely fit for a mortal opponent?"
Hikaru winced as the Lord of Demons rose to tower over him, menace radiating out of him in a wave of darkness. Yeeeaaah! Chalk one up for me! I can offend AND confuse people, not to mention demons, with one brilliant Hikaru move!
"Hikaru ..." Sai limped to the edge of the platform, partially held up by a slacked jawed Torajiro.
"Shindo-kun, you can't play! Only Sai can win this!"
"No one would know better than you, Shusaku, eh?" Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi tilted his fan toward the Go Saint. "He played me, you know. He didn't just give up his soul either. He played me ... and he could not win. What makes you think you will fare any better, Shindo Hikaru? I assure you, playing me in a Go game is nothing like playing a human opponent."
I ... I was wrong ... Hikaru glanced at Torajiro. The Go Saint had drawn away from Sai, bowing his head and closing his eyes. He fought. He fought for Sai too.
And he... lost.
"Maybe I'll lose. But at least Torajiro tried! Right? And if I do win, you have to let ALL of us go, no strings attached, none of this thousand years in Hell crap. All of us ... from Sai, to Torajiro ... to Mr. Cheater over there." Hikaru pointed at Sai's former rival, who picked his head up in surprise. "As well as the entire Kitsune court. You let everyone go, and you have to swear not to bother any one of us again."
Amatsu Mikaboshi stroked his chin, pacing around Hikaru and inspecting him from all angles. "I don't say this often, but I truly don't understand you, Shindo Hikaru. Why are you trying to save both the Kitsune court AND this pathetic waste of a mortal soul?"
He gestured toward Sugawara no Akitada. "He plotted your mentor's demise. If he hadn't done what he did, Fujiwara no Sai would never have shuffled off the mortal coil in quite so spectacular a manner. And I hardly have to remind you that the Kitsune court is the reason why we're all here tonight; they're the ones who committed the original sin."
"Because ..." Hikaru shrugged. "Why not? You're SO sure you're gonna win! Well, I don't like him or Osusuki much, but I hate you more. They might've made my sensei miserable in the past, but you're the one who's hurting him now. Not to mention me. And I know it'll piss you off if I take all your toys from you."
"Hmm. I like the hatred part. It's a nice touch, if I do say so myself." Amatsu Mikaboshi nodded as he returned to his side of the platform. "But back to my original point. Why should I agree to this proposal of yours? Like you said, you are trying to take `all my toys', and in return, I get the very dubious pleasure of playing someone who is obviously of a lower level than me. I stand to lose much for nothing. Not to mention that it voids the original bargain we made."
"Yeah, but you're ... you're EVIL, aren't you? The biggest baddest ... er ... bad ... ever. You have the power to change the bargains ...you're the one who offered Sai both Mr. Cheater and Torajiro in exchange for me, and that's kinda breaking the original bargain. I'm just making a counter-offer. But if you don't play me, then I'm not gonna play either -- I quit. You can smush my mind like a bug, or squish my body and send my soul begging for ramen forever, but you still won't have me. Sai did it to you once -- he quit, and he's still free, in his own way. It's like any other game. I know what pieces I can stand to lose. What I have to forfeit to win." Hikaru willed himself to hold that dark gaze just a few moments longer. "I know what I'm worth."
"Are you seriously threatening me?" Amatsu Mikaboshi stiffened. The dark miasma had returned full force, undulating around him in icy, seething waves. Hikaru could hear sudden swishing of kimonos and the thudding beat of feet, as if everyone watching had taken a few gigantic steps away from the platform.
"Ahhhhh, n-no," Hikaru tried not to wilt under the weight of Amatsu Mikaboshi's gaze. He wasn't very successful. "N-not r-really. Um, I-i'm just saying what I'll do."
"You really think you stand a better chance than both your mentor AND the Saint of Go? I've seen arrogance before, but you are truly an unique case. Or perhaps I should take this as an insult ... not that your attitude hasn't given me more than enough reason to smite you until you're nothing but a small smear on the ground."
"Ehhh ... It's not that I disrespect you or Sai ...I know I'm rude and don't talk right but I'm .... it's ..." Hikaru swallowed as he tucked his arms around his body in a futile effort to stop shaking. Actually, he was having a second thought or three about the whole idea.
"So stop wasting my time, boy. You say you know what you're worth? Do you really? Even now I can feel your self doubt, that quavering touch of uncertainty in your thoughts. Your soul may be bright, but it's a light without focus, a genius without the precision of skill or experience. I want your soul, Shindo Hikaru, because of that rawness. Unlike Honinbo Shusaku or Fujiwara no Sai, your soul is yet unbridled by sacrifice or sin. Your light burns unfiltered, and that is a rare commodity indeed -- that means once you come into my power, I will shape you as I want, bend you to my will. But that does not mean you are anything special at the moment. You have the potential for genius. As you stand now, however, you are mostly a mockery of what you could be, a bundle of false self importance wrapped up in untested talent. You are barely worthy to play the game against decent mortal opponents, much less gods. Perhaps, given enough time and more patience than there are stars in the sky, you could be a middling opponent to some of the immortals here ... but time's not something you have."
"I-i ..."
"Why would anyone want to play you anyway? You cannot even win against that other little mortal of yours. The one you chase so hard. What was his name? What did he say? Something about never appearing in front of you ... about you not being worthy of his attention. In fact, I believe he rather chase your mentor than you ... he sees you only as a vessel for something else. No one wants to play you, Shindo Hikaru. They want to play what's inside you, yes ... they want to play what they glimpse as Sai's genius ... but not you. Never you. Not even your parents take note of you, do they?"
Hikaru felt his throat close up. Hearing each and every last one of his self doubts voiced by that perfect, cultured tone ... Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi didn't actually have to rip apart his mind to do damage.
"Most of all, I do not want to play you. It would be like a mountain facing a grain of sand. You are not a worthy enough opponent for me."
Hikaru closed his eyes. So that's it? Everyone goes to Hell, and I get stuck, like Sai, in a goban forever? For some reason, the fact that even the Lord of Evil did not want to play him, even if it probably meant an easy win, hurt almost as much as the fact that he failed.
"Fujiwara, enough. I tire of all this. Decide which disciple you want, and be done with it. What say you?"
"Shindo-kun is my deishi."
Hikaru felt every last bit of air in his body leave him in a frigid exhalation.
"Though much has been made of the fact that I am his sensei, so far no one has noted that I am as proud to call him my deishi as he seems to be to call me sensei. And that I would and will always want to play him as he is and as he will become."
Sai?
"And I cannot conceive of a better person to take my place in a game. Isn't that what a true sensei is for? To train his students to be better than him? Shindo Hikaru's move is not entirely out of bounds, in that respect. Though if your most excellent lordship feels that playing a weaker opponent is a dishonor to him, then I really must withdraw the game and the original bargain as well. For if Shindo-kun is not worthy to play you, than neither am I. Condemn us both again, if you must. But I stand by what he says and I've decided to let him play. As much as I would like to take his place, to take this burden from him, I cannot. His place is not mine to take. It ... never was."
Hikaru blinked. A strange buzzing sounding filled his ears, as if his senses couldn't quite believe what he had just heard. "S-sai?"
"How poetic of you, Fujiwara. Must I remind you, though, that your first deishi didn't do so well. And he had much more time to play that your little Shindo-kun."
Sai approached steps to the dais, his bearing as unyielding as his words. "That was my fault, you grace; I failed Torajiro, as both his friend and as his sensei. I didn't let him play enough, on his own terms. Thus, he was defenseless against you. Yet Hikaru, unlike Torajiro, grasps the true meaning behind the game."
Hikaru thought he felt, rather than heard, Torajiro's gasp, mainly because it matched his own. Turning, he saw the other ghost had his knees slightly bent, as if the Go saint had just barely managed to catch himself from falling. The same unreadable expression again crossed Torajiro's face, though this time it was directed at their shared mentor.
If someone had told him just hours before that he could ever feel sadness for "the ghost of his old ghost", Hikaru would have laughed in their face. He didn't feel much like laughing now.
Sai didn't seem to notice their reactions as he made his way up the steps. "I ... I made a mistake tonight, the same one I made many years ago, in my own time, and the same one I made again with Torajiro. I won't make it again. Hikaru can play you, Lord of Darkness, and it will be a good game."
"You seem rather certain. I am a god. Do you really think you know something that I don't?"
"No. Please pardon me for giving you that impression, your excellency. I just remembered that you said you want his raw talent, his power -- his potential." The ghost paused. An odd sense of unease swept through Hikaru as Sai half turned, pinning him with a sharp, accessing gaze. The Go genius seemed to study him for a moment, before nodding.
"It is true he is young and inexperienced. His games have not yet had a chance to mature. But his potential ..." Sai paused, before smiling faintly. "Yes. The Heart of the Game. Play him there. See for yourself."
Hikaru felt his mouth go dry. From the sudden rise in whispering, he could tell that Sai had surprised most of the crowd too. The Heart of the Game?!
"The Heart of the Game?" The Lord of the Night Unending echoed his thoughts aloud. Amatsu Mikaboshi folded his hands together, and the dark aura stilled its oily simmering for a moment. "Interesting. You really would have me play him there? Even knowing ..."
"It's the only way you will ever truly see his potential. Taking him to Hell won't show you that. Like you said, the condemned cannot hold hope. Without hope, there cannot be a true game. Don't you want to see the full measure of what you're taking into your realm? And ... if you win over him in the Heart, everyone will know for certain that you are his true master. Otherwise, there will always be doubts, a questioning of your most high and excellent abilities, whispers that you could not bring him into your fold on your own. We all know, of course, that this is not true, your excellency, but ..." Sai swept his arm around, gesturing toward the waiting, watching crowd. Amatsu Mikaboshi's lips tautened into a thoughtful line.
"Also, as your majesty pointed out, Shindo Hikaru is not one who will roll over easily or be dominated. Trust me on this -- he will never truly accept any master except one who beats him fairly. Surely, even at his fullest potential, you can beat a mere mortal. Even a poor player such as I manages to defeat him quite easily, night after night."
Hikaru laced his fingers together, though that did not stop the rest of him from shaking. He hadn't expected Sai to take up his cause, especially not so strongly. Is it because he really believes in me, or is it because this is the only way to save both me and Torajiro?
In the end, though, it didn't matter.
"Y-yeah, what he said!" Hikaru declared, and was gratified to find that his voice only squeaked just a little. "Play me. Play me at the Heart of the Game! One on one, just you and me."
"Do you know what you ask, little boy? The Heart of the Game is Go in its truest, purest form. It is the game as you have never seen it."
"If it's Go, I can do it," Hikaru said. I think. Just what is the Heart of the Game anyway?! And why do I think I just got myself into more trouble?
For a long time, Amatsu Mikaboshi just stared, eating at him with his dark gaze. Then, suddenly, he sat down. Before Hikaru even had a chance to glance at the original state of the goban, the Demon Lord's hand flashed forward. The resounding clicks fell like thunder in the hushed clearing as the Lord of the Autumn Star placed his four stones. Then came the soft scrape of nail against wood as he removed four. "There now. Your move, Shindo Hikaru. Just try not to retch you guts out over the goban. Unless, of course, you think you can see the game properly now."
Uh-oh. I kinda forgot ... oh crap. But maybe with Sai anchoring me ...I hope ...
"Shindo-kun ... Sai ..." Torajiro whispered. "What have you done?"
Hikaru didn't reply, since he was currently wondering the same thing. The air of panicked bravado that had surrounded him was quickly evaporating, leaving only a strange, squirming sensation that made him want to find a small, dark place and hide. I ... I just challenged a god ... a G-GOD as in "hi, let me throw a thunderbolt and smite your itty bitty head off" kind of being to a game of ... Go. Which I probably can't see clearly.
Sai said nothing. Hikaru didn't dare look at him. He knows my ability ...he SAID he beat me every night ... then why did he ....
Hikaru felt his knees wobble and threaten to give. But before he landed yet again on his rear, a hand quickly reached out and steadied him. Unable to avoid it, he turned and looked. Sometime between his challenge to Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi and the Demon Lord's acceptance, Sai had closed the space between them, assuming a defensive position. Torajiro stood a few steps behind them both, his expression resolute and his gaze cast downwards. Still, as Hikaru watched, the Go saint raised his head and nodded to him. Even Sugawara no Akitada had crawled closer, and there might have been something like hope scrawled upon his ravaged face. As he watched the three ghosts, Hikaru felt it again, deep within him, a sparkling warmth that startled him as much as it comforted.
Connected. I'm ... but it's ... it's not through Sai ... it's through . . .
Blinking, Hikaru met a pair of violet eyes.
... what's going on? Sai? ....
The ghost squeezed his arm reassuringly, then backed away.
"It's your turn, Hikaru. I trust you. I trust you with my soul. I trust you with all our souls. No matter what happens."
"I ... Sai ..." He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he could say ...
The ghost merely smiled slightly. "By the way ... good tenuki."
"I ...." Hikaru swallowed, then bowed. "Thank you, sensei."
"Can we hurry this up? I have other lives to destroy, other souls to condemn you know."
Trying hard not to twitch nervously, Hikaru took a deep breath and shuffled towards the goban. He had a feeling that he was in for a rather unpleasant experience.
He took his first, full look at the game.
He was right.
To be continued ...
A Hikaru no Go Ghost story
As ever, to Imbrium. Hang in there ... we're almost through!
Part 9: Seizing the Fire
If he was to be totally honest with himself, Hikaru had to admit he hated Torajiro to some extent. Sai had always praised the Go saint's gentle soul and his intelligence in all things. On the other hand, Hikaru had lost count of how many times Sai had beseeched the heavens for an answer as to why he had been paired with a stubborn lummox like his current host. Sitting half slumped on the hard surface of the dais, where the battle for his soul had reached an uncomfortable stalemate, Hikaru closed his eyes tight as the pain in his head echoed the panic he felt. Torajiro had probably never asked Sai to help him cheat on his history tests or bugged the Go genius to help him earn money through his games. The Go saint most likely never insulted Sai either by calling him selfish, whiny, and useless for anything besides Go. Hikaru glanced up at his fellow deishi, then quickly looked away again, feeling unaccountably guilty.
Okay, maybe hate is the wrong word... but I don't have to LIKE the guy, even if Sai thinks he's the best thing in the world since the folding fan. Hikaru rubbed the bridge of his nose. From Touya Akira, to all the other insei, to even Sai himself ... it was as if some invisible ruler was constantly being held up to him and finding him wanting. His life seemed nothing more than a series of half-failed expectations ... or lack thereof, in the case of his parents.
And I'm not an idiot! I know it'd be a whole lot easier if I took the easy way out and let Sai play. The others would have been satisfied. His parents, perhaps, might have noticed, especially if their son suddenly became horrendously famous overnight, even if it was only in the Go world. There would be no more failures, no more running after people and trying to prove himself worthy. People would actually run after him.
But ... it wouldn't be him. Hikaru gritted his teeth. Taking another furtive look at the other ghost, he was glad he had a fan to hide behind. Even Hell couldn't change or shadow Torajiro's inner or outer beauty. He knew that the look on his own face would not be as pleasant.
Man, why does he have to look like a pretty boy anyway? Why couldn't he be a hunchback or drool or something?! In comparison, Hikaru felt like something found on the bottom of his shoes, after walking through a heavily populated dog park.
"Torajiro ..." Sai rasped again, his body half bowed over the goban. With what seemed to be a weariness past the ability of time to measure, the Go genius struggled to his feet. He turned to face his former student, then flinched back, as if someone had slapped him. "No. He was a good person and he died helping others. If anyone deserves eternal rest, it is him!"
Sai's aura crackled and hissed, causing a slight wind to stir around him, tangling through his long hair. "Take back this false shadow, Lord of the Ever Hidden Lie, for I will not be tricked so easily."
"I didn't say he wasn't worthy of heaven, did I?" Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi laughed, a rich soulful sound filled with real, genuine humor. Hikaru felt his skin crinkle up with goosebumps. Evil had no place to laugh like that, as if it had some sort of heart to know joy. "He did have such a caring, spotless soul. Rather distinctly unlike you, Fujiwara. Like you already said, he died to help his students. With you, it seems to be the other way around. You died, and your students must help you. And I must say you trained ol' Shusaku well. Torajiro was rather like a beaten puppy, wasn't he? Always rolling and showing his belly every time you asked him too. One would think you would want to be rid of your current deishi, who is less than accommodating when it comes to rolling over and being dominated."
Hikaru forced himself to stay still. In front of him, Sai remained quiet. The ghost turned his back to the Demon Lord as well as his former student. If Hikaru looked up, he knew he would find Sai staring at him. He kept his gaze focused on the wooden slats of his fan instead. He didn't want to see the look on Sai's face, now that Torajiro was here. Some things he never wanted nor wished to know.
"Imagine how your poor, honest, kindhearted Torajiro reacted to seeing you trapped in the mortal plane without a chance at rest or peace."
Hikaru didn't need anyone to tell him exactly how Torajiro would have reacted. He scrunched even further into himself.
"You have to admit that Torajiro was dedicated, even if his sacrifice was futile."
Sai took one step sideways, as if he was about to turn around, but then drew away abruptly, his sleeves falling and trailing against the ground.
"I do not understand, most honorable one. Why do you want Hikaru's soul so badly? If you really have Torajiro, then you already have a star soul. Why would you want to trade him for Hikaru?" he asked. Hikaru bit his tongue, holding back his own commentary. Anger and fear flushed through him, leaving his skin hot and uncomfortable.
What is he saying? That I'm ...
The Lord of All Evil flicked his fingers dismissively. "Nevermind that; think about what I'm offering you instead. Surely, as a master of the game, you can appreciate thatthe true form of the game is a gateway between the past, present, and potential future. In that spirit, I am offering the one who betrayed you and the one who redeemed you. I am giving you a chance to take control of your destiny, to make the move that would win you the best outcome, and to seize your own potential future. And surely you want to help you first, loyal deishi. So ... the real question is not whether I would give up Torajiro for Hikaru, but whether you would."
"Torajiro," Sai murmured again. The aching resonance in those simple syllables ... Hikaru's anger sputtered out, leaving him feeling vaguely chilled and ashamed of himself. Inexplicably, he thought of the rings of pine trees, and the hard centers they enclosed. Sai's grief seemed akin to that, growing outward from a single source, layer upon layer, year upon year, each ring marking a new stage. Unable to resist, Hikaru peered up through the wooden slats of his fan.
More than a thousand years' worth of pain closed their circuits in the weary drop of Sai's shoulders and the trembling that shook his form. Swallowing hard, Hikaru swung his gaze back toward Torajiro, taking his first long look at Sai's former host. His eyes widened at how pale and washed out the Go saint appeared. Sai had never looked like that; he had always seemed so solid to Hikaru, to the point that the boy would sometimes forget and hold the door for him, or warn him about rough spots that he couldn't possibly trip over. In contrast, Torajiro's image was like a photograph left in the sun. Only the barest hint of the darkest details remained.
"Sai," Torajiro spoke for the first time, though Hikaru had to strain to hear him. The Go saint's slight voice hovered just above the threshold of hearing. "Please ..."
Slowly, each of his movements uncharacteristically jerky and arrhythmic, Sai turned around. For a moment, both he and Torajiro merely stared at one another, then Sai reached out a hand. The air began to crackle and thrum as Torajiro mirrored the motion. At the moment of contact, a flare of star white intensity flashed between the two ghosts, leaving Hikaru's eyes to water as they tried to adjust. He rubbed at them, though neither the afterimages ... nor the tearing sensation ... abated easily.
"It is you, isn't it?" Sai's voice was little more than a fraying thread of sound. "It is you."
"I'm sorry." Torajiro finally raised his head, though the rest of his bearing remained stooped and half-bowed. His form, however, seemed more focused and less faded than before."I'm so very sorry."
Sai stiffened. One hand drifted over his chest, on level with his heart, and clenched into a fist. "T-that's ...t-that was one of the last things you said to me, before ..."
His eyes closed, and his face became blank, as if he had been pushed to an emotion beyond expression.
Watching the both them, Hikaru felt something within himself shiver apart, though the sensation was also mixed with a slight bit of confusion as well. It took him a couple of breaths to realize why. The pain was his alone -- there was nothing from the part of him he associated with Sai -- none of the teeth clenching nausea, none of the bone breaking chill. The sadness in the ghost should have been enough to tie his own guts in gordian knots.
Nothing. Nothing but the sharp, tightening coil that defined his own emotions, nothing but his own nails digging half moons into his palms, aching.
Or maybe with Torajiro here, our link ... no. I'm not gonna think about that. It's not like it's FUN to be puking my guts out. I'm GLAD I don't feel anything! I am!
Yeah. Right. It was odd, though. It was the first time he had ever wanted to be sick, the first time he ever asked for that chaotic curl and sway which was the unique signature of Sai's grief within him.
Hikaru twisted the fan in his hands. The hard edges distracted him from what truly hurt.
"Strange isn't it? I'm actually telling the truth," Amatsu Mikaboshi laughed again, with that same, soulful sound he had produced before. "Now that you believe me, what will you do?"
Inch by staggering inch, like a flag raised against a scything wind, Sai gathered himself up once more. Something long and silver flickered at his side. "Let Torajiro go . He is not yours. Heaven would never allow such a thing to occur ... where the condemned are let to go free, and the innocent left to suffer."
"Heaven may not allow it, but it does nothing to change the fact that it's how things stand. Only you can release him, Fujiwara no Sai. And you know what you must do. He's already given his life over to you once. Will you make him lose his afterlife as well?"
For the longest time, Sai just stood there, not moving, not speaking, not looking at either Hikaru or Torajiro. In those stretched, spinning seconds, Hikaru wondered if Hell hadn't already arrived for him.
"I've ... I've made a mistake," the ghost whispered as he looked downward at his hands. The silver light faded, leaving the shadows to close in once more. "So many mistakes ...Kami-sama, does it ever end?"
"Sai..." Torajiro spoke. Though his steps faltered a little as he approached his former mentor, the Go saint finally showed the first signs of animation since being summoned from Hell. "Sai ... don't. I was the one who ... I thought I was the only one who could ... and when I ...left and you hadn't gained the Hand of God, I thought that you'd be ..."
Torajiro paused, closing his eyes halfway. Something quick and unreadable flashed across his face. Hikaru blinked, but by then, the look was gone. "But you found Shindo-kun. You can still gain the Hand of God, and with that, you'll come for me and my time in Hell will end. I have hope now ... hope in Hell -- it'll be enough."
The ghost turned to Hikaru, and to his surprise, the Go Saint bowed to him. "Kami-sama must have chosen him to complete where I fa ... yes, he must be special. You can finish your path and fate will take its rightful course. I believe it. I truly do."
In contrast to his bravely spoken words, however, Torajiro still seemed rather fragile and vulnerable, reminding Hikaru briefly of just how very, very young the Go saint must have been when Sai had first appeared to him. He found he could not meet the other's eyes again, could not stand to see the faith there. It hurt. Sadness filtered through him. In a night of many disturbing sights, Torajiro's near reverent worship hit him in a place more real than any of the other horrors. To believe in someone or something that much, to the point beyond sacrifice ...
It's not easier. The off kilter realization hit him almost physically, leaving him to hunch in reaction. He felt cold, as if the thick folds of his kimono had suddenly worn thin. Some things he never wanted to know. .. but sometimes, he didn't have a choice. It wasn't any easier for him.
Yet, even given the ghost's paled state, Torajiro's trust in Sai literally shone within his ghostlight; his presence became more solid as he spoke of his convictions. Hikaru felt his hands begin to shake, and he stared at them, a little startled at the involuntary motion. Why? Why would he let ...
"Enough drivel already," Amatsu Mikaboshi rapped his hand against the wood of the platform. "Hope? Oh please. There can be no hope for the damned -- it's not called Hell for nothing you know. I promise you this, with words that are as true as prophecy. I may be the Lord of the Ever Living Lie, but I do not lie in this matter: if Fujiwara no Sai continues on the path he has set for himself now, he will never reach the Hand of God, and he will never release Honinbo Shusaku from his torment. Nor will I let Shindo Hikaru go without scars from tonight's adventure ... no one, ghost or otherwise, will be able to play through him ever again. Though, to be honest, I don't really see that as being much different from your current situation with him, Fujiwara."
Hikaru swallowed heavily as Torajiro turned to face him.
"What does he mean? " the Go Saint blanched, disbelief edging into his tone. "Shindo-kun? You don't let him play?"
"Um ..." Hikaru brought his hands up in a placating gesture. "Erm ...."
Amatsu Mikaboshi snorted. "Let's just say little Shindo-kun is a bit uncooperative. Far from letting Fujiwara play, Shindo doesn't even listen to him much, unless it's convenient for him. Don't you know how they came into the wandering night in the first place? And from what I gather from the boy's thoughts, he never intends to let Fujiwara play at full strength ever again. In fact, how long has it been, Fujiwara, since your current deishi allowed you even one simple move? Shindo Hikaru plays for himself , for his own goals."
The growing shock in Torajiro's face was unnerving. The Go saint actually backed a few steps away from him, as if the very air around Hikaru burned. From somewhere beside Hikaru came a swish of cloth, as if Sai had suddenly startled forward then stopped.
"You don't let him play," Torajiro's expression changed; something beyond rage glittered in his eyes. Streaks of light began to snap and whirl in the ghost's aura, forcing Hikaru to quickly reassess his "Torrie-poo is a wimpy sissy" assumption as the ghost towered over him. "You ... deny him ..."
"Err..."
"Kami-sama sent him to you! You have been given a gift beyond words. And you deny him? What about his sadness? Do you just ignore that?" Torajiro swung his arms in a wide, angry arc, forcing Hikaru to duck out of the way. "What about the Hand of GOD? It is a most sacred and divine goal! It is Sai's only chance at freedom ... for release! You condemn him by not letting him play! You rob him of his chance for peace!"
"I rob HIM for a chance at peace?! Are we talking about the same guy here? It's not like that!" Hikaru declared, finally finding his voice. "It's NOT! You don't understand, I can't ... "
"Torajiro!" Sai stepped between them, hands outspread and entreating. "Hikaru!"
"You can't ?" Torajiro's voice hardened further. "Then what makes you different from the one who condemned or betrayed him in the first place? And at least Sugawara let him play!"
For a moment, silence descended. Hikaru felt his mouth open and close, but nothing came out. Sai had stilled as well, his eyes almost impossibly wide as his gaze flickered back and forth between the two of them.
"T-torajiro, that's not t-true ... Hikaru ... he doesn't let me play, but ... he ..."
"He does not respect you or the path. He is not worthy of you, sensei. He's not worthy of your talents," Torajiro snapped, turning his back towards Hikaru. "He's not worthy of the game."
"What?!" Hikaru was on his feet before he was aware that he wanted to move. "Hold on! I didn't ask for any of this! I didn't ask for Sai to throw himself in the river, or for you to give up your life for him! So you can take your path and SHOVE it. It's not like it WORKED! Sai got himself stuck in a goban, and you ... well, he's STILL stuck here, isn't he?! You and Sai BOTH failed to live your own lives! I'm not going to be like that! I just won't!"
As the last words left his throat, Hikaru blinked, then clapped a hand over his mouth. What did I just say? From the looks on both Sai and Torajiro's faces, he might as well have taken out a sword and gutted them. He opened his mouth again, but no words would come.
"Decide, Fujiwara no Sai," Amatsu Mikaboshi spoke into the brittle silence. "What will it be? Which one will it be?"
Shaken, Hikaru turned to Sai. The ghost's mouth hung half open as he shook his head slowly. "N-no ..."
Amatsu Mikaboshi shook a warning finger at him. "Enough waffling. Either choose Torajiro or continue the game. Though you're damned either way."
"The game ..." Sai murmured, turning toward at the goban. His eyes narrowed, and his shoulders tensed."The game ..."
"So that's your decision? You want to continue with the game and discard Shusaku?"
"No! No, your lordship, I do not wish to give up Torajiro or Hikaru. Instead, I propose ... four stones. Give and take."
"Excuse me?"
Sai closed his eyes, his hands clenching against the side of his robes. When his eyes opened again, they were calm. "Your most revered majesty ... please consider my most meager proposal. Let me give you four stones to place wherever you wish on the board. Also, if you so wish, you can take any four stones of mine from the board. That should effectively erase my earlier, unfair advantage. In exchange, I humbly beg your lordship to allow me to play for Kuwahara Torajiro's soul as well as Shindo Hikaru's. If I win, you must let both of their souls go in peace. "
"And I suppose you want your freedom too? What if I won't agree to that?"
"I ... would still honor the second part of my wager and stay with you for a thousand years, provided that you leave both of their minds intact. If I lose, then all of us will go to Hell. Together."
Sai! No! Hikaru's voice still seemed to be on hiatus however; all that came out was a frantic rush of air. His mind froze, incapable of transmitting a single thought. His expression similarly startled, Torajiro turned toward the Go genius, but immediately drew back when Sai held up a hand.
"I know what I'm doing," he said as he met both of their eyes.
No you don't, you idiot! the haze around Hikaru's mind finally cleared as a bolt of pure panic shot through him. Don't do this! Don't agree! We're stuck back where we started! But this time it's worse! Hikaru felt like hitting something, but he didn't dare interrupt, not when the situation was already so precarious. Please, if anyone is out there, don't let Sai do this . . .
"Four to give and take? You really like your puns, don't you Fujiwara? Hmm. You do realize, that at this stage, giving me those stones pretty much seals the end of the game. I am almost tempted to be insulted .... do you really think I need this advantage to recover? Why not just take the deal I've offered you and leave with Torajiro? Save what you can."
"I will not make the same mistakes again. I will not leave either one of my deishi, nor let them be sacrificed for me." Sai took his place beside the goban. With an arcing sweep of his arms, he sat down. "We play."
Hikaru clenched his teeth as Torajiro followed Sai. I'm not going to get any help from him. Torajiro will go along with whatever Sai does....
The Go saint's expression became determined and composed as he took his place behind the his former sensei. The auras around both Sai and Torajiro merged, presenting an united front towards the Lord of Darkness. Hikaru had to squint as he slowly settled himself. From his new position behind the two, even the shadows shed by Sai and Torajiro's ghostlights seemed to have more of a presence than he did.
But this ... this isn't the answer! It's not!
"Four stones to give and take ..." repeated Amatsu Mikaboshi. "You condemn both your disciples' souls with this proposal."
"The game has yet to finish. Please take your turn, your excellency."
Sai ... !
"Actually, I do believe it is your turn. Not that it makes a huge difference, but no one can say that Evil wasn't being fair now ..." Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi smacked his leg, laughing uproariously. "Ahh, I just KILL myself with sarcasm sometimes ..."
Sai reached into his Go ke. His hand shot out and slapped the stone down. Hikaru groaned internally. Crap! There was something wrong about this, something that chewed on his already gnawed nerves. Too late. Sai's made his move.
"There, your lordship. Now, please, place your four stones and then take the ones you wish."
The Demon Lord selected a stone and held it above the goban. He made a great show of hemming and hawing, letting his hand drift across the available spaces. Hikaru's eyes automatically followed the movement, tracking it to the goban. The image abruptly fractured in front of him, and the resulting nausea made him curl up again.
"Hikaru!"
"That was so not a good idea," he moaned as he folded his arms across his stomach. Why is it still doing this?! I thought we fix-- auuuugh! I wanna barf up my toenails ... Is this what Amatsu Mikaboshi meant when he said I'm not going to make it out without scars? Panting, he rode out the spinning wave of vertigo. To his vast relief, the dizziness lessened with each passing moment , and the world steadied again. Great, it's not like the insei don't make fun of me already ... wait til' they get a load of Play n' Puke Shindo Hikaru.
"I see someone's brain is still a little squishy and raw," Amatsu Mikaboshi chuckled. "Still not recovered fully yet, boy? You humans do have such delicate minds."
"Hikaru, hold on ... it'll be okay ..." Sai's comforting voice still surrounded him, but the ghost remained seated beside the goban. He made no move towards Hikaru.
Not that Hikaru needed any help; the nausea had nearly died out. Not as bad as last time. Maybe it's getting better? If I just don't look ...
He weakly pounded the dais with a fist, hating each shaky movement. After all he had been through, he still couldn't see what was likely to be the most important (not to mention perhaps the last) game of his life.
"You know, I will certainly have to insist that you fix his mind more thoroughly before I take him to Hell, Fujiwara," Amatsu Mikaboshi remarked. "He's somewhat useless like that.""
It's not fair! Hikaru howled internally, bringing his fist up again. A hand abruptly closed around his fingers, gently stopping its descent. He looked up to find Torajiro watching him, head slightly tilted. After a moment, he also registered a warm weight on his shoulder and realized the Torajiro had also placed a hand there as well. Whoa ... how did... he's totally solid now. But when did he move? How long has he been there? Oh crap, I hope he's not still mad about Sai...
Anger still sparked in the Go saint's expression, but there was an odd trace of compassion, as well as a strange sense of empathy. The ghost used his grip on Hikaru's hand to pull him back into a sitting position. A faint expression of surprise lingered on the Go saint's face as he glanced down at their clasped hands. For a fleeting moment, Hikaru felt as if he was intricately connected to something much much larger and more ancient than him.
Torajiro took his hand back hesitantly. "You looked like you were in pain."
Hikaru realized belatedly that Torajiro was probably the reason that his nausea had faded so quickly. Somehow, the other ghost was shielding him, much as Sai had done. "Th-thanks. You ... didn't have to. But ... thanks."
"It's not because I have to, Shindo-kun." The Go saint said as he settled himself next to Hikaru. "You were hurting. I could help."
Both deishi held each others' gaze for a heartbeat. Feeling as if he had touched upon something important that he didn't quite yet understand, Hikaru was the first to look away. At the edge of his vision, Hikaru could see Sugawara no Akitada watching him as well. Something almost electric crackled through him as he returned the ancient imperial tutor's gaze. The feeling faintly echoed the one he received from Torajiro. Sai's former host and Sai's betrayer --
Whoa .... He drew a sharp breath. Even Mr. Cheater?! Why am I feeling this with them and not with ... is it just because we're Hostages R' Us for Sai? Or is it something else?
"Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi, let's finish this." Sai's voice interrupted his thoughts. The ghost waved a hand toward the goban.
"No," To Hikaru's surprise Amatsu Mikaboshi dropped the stone back into his bowl. "When I said no more deals with you, Fujiwara no Sai, I meant it. You must decide which one of your deishi ... if any ... you try to free."
Sai rocked backwards, a look of bewilderment spreading across his face. "You won't play me?"
"Just returning the favor you paid me, more than a thousand years past," Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi smiled, leaning forward slightly. "The game has failed you yet again. And my curse has come to full fruition; there are no rivers you can throw yourself into this time. Give me your answer; will it be Torajiro, or will you lose them both?"
Sai ... Hikaru glanced around. The lamplight glittered on all the eyes around them; every beast, monster, or god seem to pant with anticipation. A flash of almost-memory overwhelmed him, of rabbits-on-the-run, of leaping for the lifeblood in the throat.
Sai lifted his head, and something in his eyes shimmered like tears. "I cannot ..."
"I'm getting a little ... irked, Fujiwara."
Hikaru screamed as a bolt of white hot agony lanced through him. By his side, something moved. Fingers rapidly traced over the top of his head, trailing feather-like across his face, before settling again on his shoulders. The pain faded to a bearable level, and Hikaru opened his eyes. In front of him, Torajiro's expression was grim, his mouth thinned into a straight line. His aura snapped and flared as he held off the Demon Lord's attack.
"Hold on, Shindo-kun," he whispered. "Sai will make it all right."
"Hikaru! Torajiro!"
"Choose."
The air grew hazy and thick with the building power. Little streaks of lightening snapped around them all. Unable to stop himself, Hikaru whimpered, and Torajiro's aura flared as the Go saint dug his fingers into Hikaru's kimono.
"They can't hold against me for much longer, Fujiwara. And I'm just playing with them. I could get serious ..."
Sai stood, his hands clenched and his expression trapped and frantic. "I ..."
"I guess I'll have to have some more fun then..." Amatsu Mikaboshi raised his hands. Hikaru winced as Torajiro's grip on his shoulders became painfully tight. The Go saint had shut his eyes tight and his lips were moving, as if he was reciting some desperate, soundless prayer. To Hikaru's horror, the edges to Torajiro's image had begun to blur in and out. At this rate, Sai was going to lose the both of them.
No, he IS going to lose the both of us, if he makes a decision. The realization made Hikaru bite his lip hard enough to draw blood. We're all going to lose ...
"Say goodbye, Fujiwara ..."
"No! Torajiro! Hikaru! ... I ... I choose ..."
"NO! "
Everything came to screeching halt. Hikaru nearly toppled sideways as Torajiro's hold on him suddenly disappeared. Everyone - from gods to lowly tanuki- was now staring at him. Both Sai and Torajiro had frozen, their mouths hanging half open, arms akimbo, looking more like comedic statues than ghosts. Even Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi had stopped mid-gesture. Instead of frying Hikaru's mind, the Lord of the Night Unending was now glaring at him with one eyebrow raised. At least the pain had stopped as well, Hikaru noted gratefully, though he wondered why everyone was ...
Wait ... was that my squeaky voice saying "no"?
His fan fell from his suddenly nerveless fingers, though it did not disappear once it left his hands. Instead, it hit the podium with an almost obscenely loud clatter. Hikaru bent down slowly, carefully snatched it up, then folded it closed, highly conscious of the fact that his movements were being followed and scrutinized down to the very last clumsy tremor.
"Now what?" Amatsu Mikaboshi crossed his arms. "If you keep interrupting, your risk having your brain begin to slop out of your ears."
"Uh..." he stared at his lap, hoping for inspiration. Why did I open my big mouth?!
"If you have something to say, either speak, or let me continue to slice and dice your mind like a good little mortal."
Hikaru gulped. What do I say? What can I say? What can I do? What can I ... do ...
"Well?"
"Giving up is still an option, but I don't encourage it ..." another almost-memory wisped through him. "You do not know your own worth, nor do you know the depth of your own mind ..."
"Do you have anything of importance to contribute or should I just carry on with the mindless torture?"
The depth of my own mind ...And ... my own worth ...
Though he didn't quite know why, Hikaru raised his head and searched the crowd for a familiar-yet-unfamiliar face. Intense steel blue eyes caught his, puzzled but unflinching below a short swath of sea green bangs. The eyes weren't exactly the same, no, -- this gaze spoke of rushing rivers and slashing rain instead of creating stars and bridging crosslines -- but the reminder was enough. My own worth ...
"I'm not Torajiro. I'm not Fujiwara no Sai," he whispered.
"What?" the god of Hell seemed genuinely taken aback. He slanted his head, causing his silver-white hair to ripple and catch the lamplight. "Is there really so little left of your mind? We all know very well that you are neither a Go Saint nor a Go Genius."
"But you still want my soul more than even Sai's or Torajiro's. Cause you're going through all this trouble," His mouth went dry, and he held tight to his fan, forcing himself to croak out the rest of the words. "This isn't about any of the others here, is it? It's about me. It's about MY soul 'cause S-sai's ..." the words rasped harshly in his throat. "He's already dead and trapped in a goban. And Torajiro's already damned .. as well as everyone else here. Everyone, except ...."
"Yes, yes, we get that part. It is rather obvious." Amatsu Mikaboshi waved at him impatiently. "But what does this have anything to do with my bargain with Fujiwara? If I'm not mistaken, he IS your sensei, is he not? You are bond by his decision to play me for your soul. Or is there something you're not telling me?"
"Sai ... Sai's taught me everything I know 'bout Go and a whole lot of other stuff. But that doesn't mean he can play for me. He an' me ... it doesn't work that way with us. It can't work that way." Hikaru thought he saw Torajiro stumble slightly, but he did not look to confirm it. "It's like you said. I play for myself, for my own goals. I live my own life. And because ..." half-remembered words coalesced, spilling from his mouth before he had a chance to stop them. "Because ... between the Hell I make for myself, and the Hell others make for me .... I've always chosen my own."
"You choose Hell? You would bargain with me, on your own terms?"
"Hikaru! NO!" Sai broke out of his immobility, quickly closing the distance between them until he was kneeling in front of the still huddled Hikaru, blocking his view of the Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi. "I will NOT allow you to do this!" He thundered. His fan had reappeared, and he was now jabbing it at Hikaru's face. "I FORBID it!"
"You WHAT?! When have I ever let you boss me around? You said you wouldn't let this sensei thing go to your head!" Hikaru crossed his arms and scowled at Sai, who in turn continued to stare at him as if a goban bearing tree had sprouted from Hikaru's head.
"Shindo-kun, you cannot give evil what it wants! You don't understand ... with your soul, Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi will have enough power to ..." Torajiro flanked Hikaru's other side. Between the two ghosts, Hikaru was surrounded by a veritable wall of seething poltergeist energy.
With a grimace, Hikaru stood up. "You sacrificed your soul for Sai ... you really think I'd just let him sacrifice himself for me? That I don't care about him? It'd destroy him if he lost you to Hell -- don't you know that?! I don't know what else to do!"
"It's ... I know you care, but you don't understand, Shindo-kun. I didn't just ..." Torajiro's eyebrows drew together in confusion. "You think I would just ..."
"NO!" Sai whirled to face Amatsu Mikaboshi. This time, the sword seemed to leap into existence in Sai's hand. Hikaru sprinted forward, placing himself in front of his incensed friend. He reached out, grasping the hand that held the deadly weapon. Hikaru felt the fingers below his own tighten on the handle of the sword.
"Sai ...please don't. This won't work."
"And as much as I would love to handle this with violence, I really do want to know what your disciple has to say," the Demon Lord gestured at Hikaru. "Am I hearing you correctly? You will join me now, of your own free will ... in return for these two souls?"
"HIKARU!" Sai pushed past him, snapping Hikaru's hold and bringing the sword into an attack position. "NO, HE WILL NOT!"
"Oh, be quiet!" With a casual flick of his hand, Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi sent Sai flying off the platform to crash heavily into the crowd.
"SAI!" Torajiro jumped off the platform after the ghost. Though he was equally worried, Hikaru didn't dare take his attention away from the Lord of Hell.
"So, Shindo Hikaru ... I must say it is refreshing to deal with you directly. In exchange for your soul, I will free both Sai and his old student. Do you agree? "
"SHINDO-KUN!"
" HIKARU!"
Hikaru's mind shut out both Torajiro's and Sai's voices. "Well ...um ... Not ... exactly ..."
" WHAT?!"
It took a few moments for Hikaru's ears to stop ringing from the combined shout of what seemed to be everyone around him.
"Has it ever occurred to ANYONE that I don't want to sacrifice myself, but that I want to PLAY the Lord High Whatever of Evil? Cause I don't think the sacrificing thingie works . Forking over your own soul ... or life ... even to save someone else ... it's screwed up! It's a trap. Everyone just ends up feeling crappy ... either I feel crappy that Sai and Torajiro had to go to Hell for me, or they feel crappy about me. It even makes ol' brushbutt feel guilty, and he's got less morals than a porno! Evil still wins all ways round, doesn't it?" Hikaru took a deep breath, gathering his courage, before looking straight at the Lord of Evil. He felt an odd jiggling sensation begin in his stomach, so he hurried his words along, before the hiccups could start. "I'll still give you the same four and four advantage Sai offered, but I'll take his place. It's kinda become a tradition between us, anyways. I always butt into his games."
The silence that surrounded his declaration was so profound that it seemed louder than the outburst that had preceded it. Hikaru did not know whether to laugh or cry at the flabbergasted expression that currently graced not only Sai's face, but Torajiro's .... and Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi.
"You? Play me?" The Lord of the Night Unending blinked, one hand snapping his fan closed. Hikaru knew that, for one of the few times in any history of any world, someone had managed to catch Evil totally flatfooted. "You would dare? You, a little weakling who is barely fit for a mortal opponent?"
Hikaru winced as the Lord of Demons rose to tower over him, menace radiating out of him in a wave of darkness. Yeeeaaah! Chalk one up for me! I can offend AND confuse people, not to mention demons, with one brilliant Hikaru move!
"Hikaru ..." Sai limped to the edge of the platform, partially held up by a slacked jawed Torajiro.
"Shindo-kun, you can't play! Only Sai can win this!"
"No one would know better than you, Shusaku, eh?" Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi tilted his fan toward the Go Saint. "He played me, you know. He didn't just give up his soul either. He played me ... and he could not win. What makes you think you will fare any better, Shindo Hikaru? I assure you, playing me in a Go game is nothing like playing a human opponent."
I ... I was wrong ... Hikaru glanced at Torajiro. The Go Saint had drawn away from Sai, bowing his head and closing his eyes. He fought. He fought for Sai too.
And he... lost.
"Maybe I'll lose. But at least Torajiro tried! Right? And if I do win, you have to let ALL of us go, no strings attached, none of this thousand years in Hell crap. All of us ... from Sai, to Torajiro ... to Mr. Cheater over there." Hikaru pointed at Sai's former rival, who picked his head up in surprise. "As well as the entire Kitsune court. You let everyone go, and you have to swear not to bother any one of us again."
Amatsu Mikaboshi stroked his chin, pacing around Hikaru and inspecting him from all angles. "I don't say this often, but I truly don't understand you, Shindo Hikaru. Why are you trying to save both the Kitsune court AND this pathetic waste of a mortal soul?"
He gestured toward Sugawara no Akitada. "He plotted your mentor's demise. If he hadn't done what he did, Fujiwara no Sai would never have shuffled off the mortal coil in quite so spectacular a manner. And I hardly have to remind you that the Kitsune court is the reason why we're all here tonight; they're the ones who committed the original sin."
"Because ..." Hikaru shrugged. "Why not? You're SO sure you're gonna win! Well, I don't like him or Osusuki much, but I hate you more. They might've made my sensei miserable in the past, but you're the one who's hurting him now. Not to mention me. And I know it'll piss you off if I take all your toys from you."
"Hmm. I like the hatred part. It's a nice touch, if I do say so myself." Amatsu Mikaboshi nodded as he returned to his side of the platform. "But back to my original point. Why should I agree to this proposal of yours? Like you said, you are trying to take `all my toys', and in return, I get the very dubious pleasure of playing someone who is obviously of a lower level than me. I stand to lose much for nothing. Not to mention that it voids the original bargain we made."
"Yeah, but you're ... you're EVIL, aren't you? The biggest baddest ... er ... bad ... ever. You have the power to change the bargains ...you're the one who offered Sai both Mr. Cheater and Torajiro in exchange for me, and that's kinda breaking the original bargain. I'm just making a counter-offer. But if you don't play me, then I'm not gonna play either -- I quit. You can smush my mind like a bug, or squish my body and send my soul begging for ramen forever, but you still won't have me. Sai did it to you once -- he quit, and he's still free, in his own way. It's like any other game. I know what pieces I can stand to lose. What I have to forfeit to win." Hikaru willed himself to hold that dark gaze just a few moments longer. "I know what I'm worth."
"Are you seriously threatening me?" Amatsu Mikaboshi stiffened. The dark miasma had returned full force, undulating around him in icy, seething waves. Hikaru could hear sudden swishing of kimonos and the thudding beat of feet, as if everyone watching had taken a few gigantic steps away from the platform.
"Ahhhhh, n-no," Hikaru tried not to wilt under the weight of Amatsu Mikaboshi's gaze. He wasn't very successful. "N-not r-really. Um, I-i'm just saying what I'll do."
"You really think you stand a better chance than both your mentor AND the Saint of Go? I've seen arrogance before, but you are truly an unique case. Or perhaps I should take this as an insult ... not that your attitude hasn't given me more than enough reason to smite you until you're nothing but a small smear on the ground."
"Ehhh ... It's not that I disrespect you or Sai ...I know I'm rude and don't talk right but I'm .... it's ..." Hikaru swallowed as he tucked his arms around his body in a futile effort to stop shaking. Actually, he was having a second thought or three about the whole idea.
"So stop wasting my time, boy. You say you know what you're worth? Do you really? Even now I can feel your self doubt, that quavering touch of uncertainty in your thoughts. Your soul may be bright, but it's a light without focus, a genius without the precision of skill or experience. I want your soul, Shindo Hikaru, because of that rawness. Unlike Honinbo Shusaku or Fujiwara no Sai, your soul is yet unbridled by sacrifice or sin. Your light burns unfiltered, and that is a rare commodity indeed -- that means once you come into my power, I will shape you as I want, bend you to my will. But that does not mean you are anything special at the moment. You have the potential for genius. As you stand now, however, you are mostly a mockery of what you could be, a bundle of false self importance wrapped up in untested talent. You are barely worthy to play the game against decent mortal opponents, much less gods. Perhaps, given enough time and more patience than there are stars in the sky, you could be a middling opponent to some of the immortals here ... but time's not something you have."
"I-i ..."
"Why would anyone want to play you anyway? You cannot even win against that other little mortal of yours. The one you chase so hard. What was his name? What did he say? Something about never appearing in front of you ... about you not being worthy of his attention. In fact, I believe he rather chase your mentor than you ... he sees you only as a vessel for something else. No one wants to play you, Shindo Hikaru. They want to play what's inside you, yes ... they want to play what they glimpse as Sai's genius ... but not you. Never you. Not even your parents take note of you, do they?"
Hikaru felt his throat close up. Hearing each and every last one of his self doubts voiced by that perfect, cultured tone ... Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi didn't actually have to rip apart his mind to do damage.
"Most of all, I do not want to play you. It would be like a mountain facing a grain of sand. You are not a worthy enough opponent for me."
Hikaru closed his eyes. So that's it? Everyone goes to Hell, and I get stuck, like Sai, in a goban forever? For some reason, the fact that even the Lord of Evil did not want to play him, even if it probably meant an easy win, hurt almost as much as the fact that he failed.
"Fujiwara, enough. I tire of all this. Decide which disciple you want, and be done with it. What say you?"
"Shindo-kun is my deishi."
Hikaru felt every last bit of air in his body leave him in a frigid exhalation.
"Though much has been made of the fact that I am his sensei, so far no one has noted that I am as proud to call him my deishi as he seems to be to call me sensei. And that I would and will always want to play him as he is and as he will become."
Sai?
"And I cannot conceive of a better person to take my place in a game. Isn't that what a true sensei is for? To train his students to be better than him? Shindo Hikaru's move is not entirely out of bounds, in that respect. Though if your most excellent lordship feels that playing a weaker opponent is a dishonor to him, then I really must withdraw the game and the original bargain as well. For if Shindo-kun is not worthy to play you, than neither am I. Condemn us both again, if you must. But I stand by what he says and I've decided to let him play. As much as I would like to take his place, to take this burden from him, I cannot. His place is not mine to take. It ... never was."
Hikaru blinked. A strange buzzing sounding filled his ears, as if his senses couldn't quite believe what he had just heard. "S-sai?"
"How poetic of you, Fujiwara. Must I remind you, though, that your first deishi didn't do so well. And he had much more time to play that your little Shindo-kun."
Sai approached steps to the dais, his bearing as unyielding as his words. "That was my fault, you grace; I failed Torajiro, as both his friend and as his sensei. I didn't let him play enough, on his own terms. Thus, he was defenseless against you. Yet Hikaru, unlike Torajiro, grasps the true meaning behind the game."
Hikaru thought he felt, rather than heard, Torajiro's gasp, mainly because it matched his own. Turning, he saw the other ghost had his knees slightly bent, as if the Go saint had just barely managed to catch himself from falling. The same unreadable expression again crossed Torajiro's face, though this time it was directed at their shared mentor.
If someone had told him just hours before that he could ever feel sadness for "the ghost of his old ghost", Hikaru would have laughed in their face. He didn't feel much like laughing now.
Sai didn't seem to notice their reactions as he made his way up the steps. "I ... I made a mistake tonight, the same one I made many years ago, in my own time, and the same one I made again with Torajiro. I won't make it again. Hikaru can play you, Lord of Darkness, and it will be a good game."
"You seem rather certain. I am a god. Do you really think you know something that I don't?"
"No. Please pardon me for giving you that impression, your excellency. I just remembered that you said you want his raw talent, his power -- his potential." The ghost paused. An odd sense of unease swept through Hikaru as Sai half turned, pinning him with a sharp, accessing gaze. The Go genius seemed to study him for a moment, before nodding.
"It is true he is young and inexperienced. His games have not yet had a chance to mature. But his potential ..." Sai paused, before smiling faintly. "Yes. The Heart of the Game. Play him there. See for yourself."
Hikaru felt his mouth go dry. From the sudden rise in whispering, he could tell that Sai had surprised most of the crowd too. The Heart of the Game?!
"The Heart of the Game?" The Lord of the Night Unending echoed his thoughts aloud. Amatsu Mikaboshi folded his hands together, and the dark aura stilled its oily simmering for a moment. "Interesting. You really would have me play him there? Even knowing ..."
"It's the only way you will ever truly see his potential. Taking him to Hell won't show you that. Like you said, the condemned cannot hold hope. Without hope, there cannot be a true game. Don't you want to see the full measure of what you're taking into your realm? And ... if you win over him in the Heart, everyone will know for certain that you are his true master. Otherwise, there will always be doubts, a questioning of your most high and excellent abilities, whispers that you could not bring him into your fold on your own. We all know, of course, that this is not true, your excellency, but ..." Sai swept his arm around, gesturing toward the waiting, watching crowd. Amatsu Mikaboshi's lips tautened into a thoughtful line.
"Also, as your majesty pointed out, Shindo Hikaru is not one who will roll over easily or be dominated. Trust me on this -- he will never truly accept any master except one who beats him fairly. Surely, even at his fullest potential, you can beat a mere mortal. Even a poor player such as I manages to defeat him quite easily, night after night."
Hikaru laced his fingers together, though that did not stop the rest of him from shaking. He hadn't expected Sai to take up his cause, especially not so strongly. Is it because he really believes in me, or is it because this is the only way to save both me and Torajiro?
In the end, though, it didn't matter.
"Y-yeah, what he said!" Hikaru declared, and was gratified to find that his voice only squeaked just a little. "Play me. Play me at the Heart of the Game! One on one, just you and me."
"Do you know what you ask, little boy? The Heart of the Game is Go in its truest, purest form. It is the game as you have never seen it."
"If it's Go, I can do it," Hikaru said. I think. Just what is the Heart of the Game anyway?! And why do I think I just got myself into more trouble?
For a long time, Amatsu Mikaboshi just stared, eating at him with his dark gaze. Then, suddenly, he sat down. Before Hikaru even had a chance to glance at the original state of the goban, the Demon Lord's hand flashed forward. The resounding clicks fell like thunder in the hushed clearing as the Lord of the Autumn Star placed his four stones. Then came the soft scrape of nail against wood as he removed four. "There now. Your move, Shindo Hikaru. Just try not to retch you guts out over the goban. Unless, of course, you think you can see the game properly now."
Uh-oh. I kinda forgot ... oh crap. But maybe with Sai anchoring me ...I hope ...
"Shindo-kun ... Sai ..." Torajiro whispered. "What have you done?"
Hikaru didn't reply, since he was currently wondering the same thing. The air of panicked bravado that had surrounded him was quickly evaporating, leaving only a strange, squirming sensation that made him want to find a small, dark place and hide. I ... I just challenged a god ... a G-GOD as in "hi, let me throw a thunderbolt and smite your itty bitty head off" kind of being to a game of ... Go. Which I probably can't see clearly.
Sai said nothing. Hikaru didn't dare look at him. He knows my ability ...he SAID he beat me every night ... then why did he ....
Hikaru felt his knees wobble and threaten to give. But before he landed yet again on his rear, a hand quickly reached out and steadied him. Unable to avoid it, he turned and looked. Sometime between his challenge to Lord Amatsu Mikaboshi and the Demon Lord's acceptance, Sai had closed the space between them, assuming a defensive position. Torajiro stood a few steps behind them both, his expression resolute and his gaze cast downwards. Still, as Hikaru watched, the Go saint raised his head and nodded to him. Even Sugawara no Akitada had crawled closer, and there might have been something like hope scrawled upon his ravaged face. As he watched the three ghosts, Hikaru felt it again, deep within him, a sparkling warmth that startled him as much as it comforted.
Connected. I'm ... but it's ... it's not through Sai ... it's through . . .
Blinking, Hikaru met a pair of violet eyes.
... what's going on? Sai? ....
The ghost squeezed his arm reassuringly, then backed away.
"It's your turn, Hikaru. I trust you. I trust you with my soul. I trust you with all our souls. No matter what happens."
"I ... Sai ..." He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he could say ...
The ghost merely smiled slightly. "By the way ... good tenuki."
"I ...." Hikaru swallowed, then bowed. "Thank you, sensei."
"Can we hurry this up? I have other lives to destroy, other souls to condemn you know."
Trying hard not to twitch nervously, Hikaru took a deep breath and shuffled towards the goban. He had a feeling that he was in for a rather unpleasant experience.
He took his first, full look at the game.
He was right.
To be continued ...