Chapter 1 of Book the 12th, "The Intractable Interrogator"
Mr. Poe drove downtown and pulled into a dark, fishy-smelling alley. The Baudelaire children worried that they had gone out of the frying pan into the fire, which here means "going from a bad situation into a worse one," and has nothing to do with literal cooking.
"Here we are, children," said Mr. Poe. "The back door of the Café Salmonella. Move along now. I've still got my revolver." He pushed the reluctant Baudelaires into the restaurant's kitchen.
The Café Salmonella is only open for dinner, so the kitchen was deserted that that early hour. The children had once had dinner there, a dinner of nothing but salmon since that's all the Café serves. But they regretted that meal when they saw the filthy kitchen. The room stank of spoiled fish and old cooking oil, the counters were covered with flour and bits of food, and an opened box of soda straws had tipped over and spilled several loose straws onto the messy counter.
"I've brought the children for you, sir," called Poe. As soon as he spoke, a man pushed open the door from the dining room, but the children couldn't see his face.
"Thank you, Poe," the man said. "Your payment will be transferred to your account as usual."
"Thank you, Mr. Squalor," said Poe. "It's not easy keeping up with my wife's expectations for the lifestyle of the Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs."
"Jerome Squalor!" cried Klaus. "You're behind this? You're the J.S. who got the copy of the telegram and wrote the note to Mr. Poe? I never would have suspected you."
Jerome Squalor entered the room with a cold, toothy smile. He no longer appeared to be the vague and agreeable foster father who had taken the children into his penthouse home on 667 Dark Avenue.
"Yes and no. I am the J.S. who wrote the note to Mr. Poe. But I'm not the J.S. who received the telegram. That person will be joining us shortly with the sugar bowl."
"What do you want with the sugar bowl?" asked Violet.
"Since the day the V.F.D. was founded by Benjamin Franklin, many brilliant but misguided V.F.D. members have poured their genius into secret research and technology. The developed advanced species of trained reptiles, learned the languages of lions and eagles, and cultivated highly poisonous mushrooms. I'm part of an international business cartel that wishes to obtain this technology. With it in our grasp, world domination is a real possibility," said Jerome Squalor.
"Sugar bowl?" asked Sunny.
"You mean, what does the sugar bowl have to do with it? That sugar bowl is the master sugar bowl, containing copies of all the secrets and notes from the individual sugar bowls of all the V.F.D. members. It also has all their identities so we can blackmail them for more research."
Just then there was a clatter from the front of the restaurant, and the sound of several voices speaking at once.
"Here she is now," said Jerome Squalor.
A woman entered the kitchen, triumphantly holding a sugar bowl in both hands. She gave Jerome Squalor a quick kiss on the cheek. For a moment the children didn't recognize her. She was dressed very differently from the last time they saw her -- in a wetsuit rather than a judge's robe.
"Justice Strauss?" said Klaus. "You too?"
"I'm not really a judge," said Justice Strauss, "The cartel pulled strings to get me forged credentials. Still, the title of Justice has proved useful, so I'm going to keep it for a while."
"But, but you were so nice to us when Count Olaf was our guardian..." said Violet.
"It was no coincidence that I was the neighbor of Count Olaf. I was watching him to learn V.F.D. secrets; I wasn't interested in stopping his schemes. But being nice to you didn't hurt me, and it paid off," said Justice Strauss.
"Since then we've been watching you," said Jerome Squalor. "since you're important to both sides of the V.F.D.; Olaf wanted your fortune, and the other side no doubt wanted you as recruits. By putting you in one unfortunate situation after another, we tried to draw them out. The anti-Olaf faction hasn't dared to help you openly since they knew we were ready to pounce on any new information."
"But then the novice V.F.D. agents Duncan and Isadora Quagmire slipped up," said Justice Strauss. "They helped you too openly at Prufrock. Knowing that the V.F.D. likes to recruit whole sets of three siblings, we tracked down their missing brother Quigley. I fooled him into thinking I was another V.F.D. agent."
"That's where her record of being nice to you helped," put in Jerome.
"And because Quigley trusted me, he sent me a copy of the coded telegram. That second poetry reference was too obscure to decode on short notice, but every child knows 'The Walrus and the Carpenter'. So I sent word to Jerome to get Poe to meet you at the Briny Beach," said Justice Strauss with an evil chuckle.
"Quigley must have sent you the Verbal Fridge Dialog in the Valley of the Four Drafts, too," said Violet.
"A Verbal Fridge Dialog? This is the first I've heard of it. I never got that message and probably couldn't have decoded it if I had. It doesn't matter now," said Strauss.
"He pretended he didn't know about it," said Klaus.
"He was pretending not to be a full Volunteer for security reasons in case someone was watching, but it was too late. He was already compromised and didn't know it," said Jerome.
"Sugar bowl?" asked Sunny.
"You mean, how did I get the sugar bowl?" said Strauss. "Quigley again. As soon as he got out of the Stricken Stream he got a message to me that the sugar bowl had been thrown into the stream. I worked out where it went using tidal charts. I took a fast seagoing vessel..."
"Shaped like a question mark?" Violet interrupted.
"Yes, we call it the Interrogator," said Strauss. "I sailed to the ruins of Anwhistle Aquatics and climbed down one of the passages to the Gorgonic Grotto. I snatched up the sugar bowl before you got there!" She chuckled again. "To top it off, I swam down another passage to the Queequeg and showed the sugar bowl to Captain Widdershins and Phil. I persuaded them I was a V.F.D. agent and that we had to get the sugar bowl to the V.F.D. as soon as possible. You know his motto.."
"He or she who hesitates is lost," echoed Violet, Klaus, and Sunny.
"I even managed to get rid of the note the Captain left for you without him noticing," said Strauss. "We wanted him here in case there are codes in the sugar bowl we can't crack."
"And we wanted you children here because threatening you will help get him to talk without excessive arguments. You know how I hate to argue," said Jerome. "And now, it's time to open the sugar bowl! You do the honors, darling."
"At last," said Justice Strauss, "The secrets of the V.F.D. are ours. All their technology, all their secrets, all their... sugar?"
She poured out on the main kitchen table a pile of white cubical crystals.
"Nooh!" screamed Justice Strauss in rage. "This has to be the right sugar bowl! I worked the location out perfectly from the tidal charts."
"Are you sure they didn't get there first?" demanded Jerome.
Justice Strauss glared at the children. "Did you take the real sugar bowl and replace it with a decoy? You must have!"
"I'll make them talk!" said Jerome. There were three enormous wire baskets side-by-side above a vat of oil, used for frying hundreds of salmon at once. He grabbed each child, threw them each into a basket, and locked them in with padlocks. Then he turned on the heat under the oil.
"Fricassee!" said Sunny in alarm.
"While we're waiting for the oil to boil, I want to have a little talk with Captain Widdershins," said Justice Strauss. "I think he knows something about this decoy sugar bowl. The men are holding him down in the wine cellar."
"I'll come with you," said Jerome Squalor grimly. "Keep an eye on the children while we're gone, Poe.
The Baudelaires stared down into the vat as the oil began to heat under them. They realized that going from the fire into the frying pan was just as bad, or worse, than going from the frying pan into the fire...
Mr. Poe drove downtown and pulled into a dark, fishy-smelling alley. The Baudelaire children worried that they had gone out of the frying pan into the fire, which here means "going from a bad situation into a worse one," and has nothing to do with literal cooking.
"Here we are, children," said Mr. Poe. "The back door of the Café Salmonella. Move along now. I've still got my revolver." He pushed the reluctant Baudelaires into the restaurant's kitchen.
The Café Salmonella is only open for dinner, so the kitchen was deserted that that early hour. The children had once had dinner there, a dinner of nothing but salmon since that's all the Café serves. But they regretted that meal when they saw the filthy kitchen. The room stank of spoiled fish and old cooking oil, the counters were covered with flour and bits of food, and an opened box of soda straws had tipped over and spilled several loose straws onto the messy counter.
"I've brought the children for you, sir," called Poe. As soon as he spoke, a man pushed open the door from the dining room, but the children couldn't see his face.
"Thank you, Poe," the man said. "Your payment will be transferred to your account as usual."
"Thank you, Mr. Squalor," said Poe. "It's not easy keeping up with my wife's expectations for the lifestyle of the Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs."
"Jerome Squalor!" cried Klaus. "You're behind this? You're the J.S. who got the copy of the telegram and wrote the note to Mr. Poe? I never would have suspected you."
Jerome Squalor entered the room with a cold, toothy smile. He no longer appeared to be the vague and agreeable foster father who had taken the children into his penthouse home on 667 Dark Avenue.
"Yes and no. I am the J.S. who wrote the note to Mr. Poe. But I'm not the J.S. who received the telegram. That person will be joining us shortly with the sugar bowl."
"What do you want with the sugar bowl?" asked Violet.
"Since the day the V.F.D. was founded by Benjamin Franklin, many brilliant but misguided V.F.D. members have poured their genius into secret research and technology. The developed advanced species of trained reptiles, learned the languages of lions and eagles, and cultivated highly poisonous mushrooms. I'm part of an international business cartel that wishes to obtain this technology. With it in our grasp, world domination is a real possibility," said Jerome Squalor.
"Sugar bowl?" asked Sunny.
"You mean, what does the sugar bowl have to do with it? That sugar bowl is the master sugar bowl, containing copies of all the secrets and notes from the individual sugar bowls of all the V.F.D. members. It also has all their identities so we can blackmail them for more research."
Just then there was a clatter from the front of the restaurant, and the sound of several voices speaking at once.
"Here she is now," said Jerome Squalor.
A woman entered the kitchen, triumphantly holding a sugar bowl in both hands. She gave Jerome Squalor a quick kiss on the cheek. For a moment the children didn't recognize her. She was dressed very differently from the last time they saw her -- in a wetsuit rather than a judge's robe.
"Justice Strauss?" said Klaus. "You too?"
"I'm not really a judge," said Justice Strauss, "The cartel pulled strings to get me forged credentials. Still, the title of Justice has proved useful, so I'm going to keep it for a while."
"But, but you were so nice to us when Count Olaf was our guardian..." said Violet.
"It was no coincidence that I was the neighbor of Count Olaf. I was watching him to learn V.F.D. secrets; I wasn't interested in stopping his schemes. But being nice to you didn't hurt me, and it paid off," said Justice Strauss.
"Since then we've been watching you," said Jerome Squalor. "since you're important to both sides of the V.F.D.; Olaf wanted your fortune, and the other side no doubt wanted you as recruits. By putting you in one unfortunate situation after another, we tried to draw them out. The anti-Olaf faction hasn't dared to help you openly since they knew we were ready to pounce on any new information."
"But then the novice V.F.D. agents Duncan and Isadora Quagmire slipped up," said Justice Strauss. "They helped you too openly at Prufrock. Knowing that the V.F.D. likes to recruit whole sets of three siblings, we tracked down their missing brother Quigley. I fooled him into thinking I was another V.F.D. agent."
"That's where her record of being nice to you helped," put in Jerome.
"And because Quigley trusted me, he sent me a copy of the coded telegram. That second poetry reference was too obscure to decode on short notice, but every child knows 'The Walrus and the Carpenter'. So I sent word to Jerome to get Poe to meet you at the Briny Beach," said Justice Strauss with an evil chuckle.
"Quigley must have sent you the Verbal Fridge Dialog in the Valley of the Four Drafts, too," said Violet.
"A Verbal Fridge Dialog? This is the first I've heard of it. I never got that message and probably couldn't have decoded it if I had. It doesn't matter now," said Strauss.
"He pretended he didn't know about it," said Klaus.
"He was pretending not to be a full Volunteer for security reasons in case someone was watching, but it was too late. He was already compromised and didn't know it," said Jerome.
"Sugar bowl?" asked Sunny.
"You mean, how did I get the sugar bowl?" said Strauss. "Quigley again. As soon as he got out of the Stricken Stream he got a message to me that the sugar bowl had been thrown into the stream. I worked out where it went using tidal charts. I took a fast seagoing vessel..."
"Shaped like a question mark?" Violet interrupted.
"Yes, we call it the Interrogator," said Strauss. "I sailed to the ruins of Anwhistle Aquatics and climbed down one of the passages to the Gorgonic Grotto. I snatched up the sugar bowl before you got there!" She chuckled again. "To top it off, I swam down another passage to the Queequeg and showed the sugar bowl to Captain Widdershins and Phil. I persuaded them I was a V.F.D. agent and that we had to get the sugar bowl to the V.F.D. as soon as possible. You know his motto.."
"He or she who hesitates is lost," echoed Violet, Klaus, and Sunny.
"I even managed to get rid of the note the Captain left for you without him noticing," said Strauss. "We wanted him here in case there are codes in the sugar bowl we can't crack."
"And we wanted you children here because threatening you will help get him to talk without excessive arguments. You know how I hate to argue," said Jerome. "And now, it's time to open the sugar bowl! You do the honors, darling."
"At last," said Justice Strauss, "The secrets of the V.F.D. are ours. All their technology, all their secrets, all their... sugar?"
She poured out on the main kitchen table a pile of white cubical crystals.
"Nooh!" screamed Justice Strauss in rage. "This has to be the right sugar bowl! I worked the location out perfectly from the tidal charts."
"Are you sure they didn't get there first?" demanded Jerome.
Justice Strauss glared at the children. "Did you take the real sugar bowl and replace it with a decoy? You must have!"
"I'll make them talk!" said Jerome. There were three enormous wire baskets side-by-side above a vat of oil, used for frying hundreds of salmon at once. He grabbed each child, threw them each into a basket, and locked them in with padlocks. Then he turned on the heat under the oil.
"Fricassee!" said Sunny in alarm.
"While we're waiting for the oil to boil, I want to have a little talk with Captain Widdershins," said Justice Strauss. "I think he knows something about this decoy sugar bowl. The men are holding him down in the wine cellar."
"I'll come with you," said Jerome Squalor grimly. "Keep an eye on the children while we're gone, Poe.
The Baudelaires stared down into the vat as the oil began to heat under them. They realized that going from the fire into the frying pan was just as bad, or worse, than going from the frying pan into the fire...