Chapter 2 of Book the 12th
Mr. Poe paced the floor in front of the frying bins. "Dear me, I wasn't expecting them to do anything quite this dreadful. I'm not feeling at all well."
"Then help us get out of here!" said Violet.
"Oh no, I couldn't do that," said Poe. "They'd kill me. But the sight of you in there is making me queasy. I'll just go and lie down for a while on the seat of my car." He went out the back door to the alley.
Left alone, children began to try to figure out what to do.
"Those sugar crystals don't look right to me," said Klaus. "Sugar crystals aren't cubical. Salt crystals are."
"We need to get a closer look at that 'sugar'. And I need to invent a tool to pick the locks. Let me think." Violet took off her hair ribbon. She was about to tie back her hair when she had a sudden thought.
"If this ribbon had a bit of something sticky on the end, I could snag the loose straws on the counter," Violet said.
"Gum" offered Sunny. She scraped the little bits of gum that had stuck to her teeth when she made the seal for the Queequeg's porthole. She passed it through the mesh to Klaus in the middle basket, who passed it to Violet.
"Great Sunny, but if the ribbon doesn't have a bit of weight and stiffness at the end I won't be able to cast it," said Violet.
"Ribbon tempura," said Sunny.
"Excellent idea, Sunny," said Klaus. "Your cooking skills have come through again."
Violet passed her hair ribbon through the wire mesh to Klaus, who passed it to Sunny.
Sunny lowered the ribbon into the hot oil just enough to get it sticky, then flopped it through the mesh onto the counter beside her, which was dusty with flour. Then she lowered the ribbon into the hot oil again, producing a hair ribbon with a stiff, batter-fried end. Sunny passed the ribbon tempura through the mesh to Klaus, who passed it to Violet.
Violet attached the gum and cast the batter-coated, gummed ribbon out toward the straws. Soon she had captured all the loose straws that were close enough.
Violet fastened several straws together end to end, sealing them with bits of the gum. The combined straws were long enough to reach the kitchen table.
"Here, Klaus. You're closest to the table. Inhale through the straw and draw in some of the salt. Not too much, just enough to get it into the straw. Then tilt the straw up and let the salt slide down to you."
Klaus did as Violet asked. He got some of the salt and looked at it closely.
"Many of the salt cubes are glued together on their edges to form miniature tablets. I'm used to reading very fine print, and I think I can see tiny letters engraved in the salt. I think I can see the word 'OLAF' on this one," said Klaus. "But I can't read the rest."
"Klaus, if we used both lenses of your glasses together we could make a magnifying glass, Violet said.
"But if I take my lenses out, I won't be able to see to read," said Klaus.
"Pass your glasses and the OLAF salt tablet to me, and I'll try to read it. I'll give you the glasses back when I'm done." Violet carefully popped out one lens from the wire frame and put it together with the other. With the two lenses combined she could read the letters clearly.
Violet read: "NAME: OLAF SNICKET, AKA COUNT OLAF. SKILLS: ACTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE, WORLD'S MOST HANDSOME MAN."
"He wrote this himself, obviously," she commented.
"RELATIVES IN THE V.F.D.: MY BROTHER MORT AND SISTER NATASHA (BUT THEY WILL KILL ANYONE WHO DOESN'T CALL THEM THE WOMAN WITH HAIR AND NO BEARD AND THE MAN WITH A BEARD AND NO HAIR, RESPECTIVELY)."
"So the Woman is a man and the Man is a woman?" said Klaus.
"Transvest," said Sunny.
"Apparently so," said Violet. "I noticed the Woman had a deep voice and the Man a high-pitched one."
"ONE MORE RELATIVE: A STUPID 4TH COUSIN TWICE REMOVED NAMED LEMONY SNICKET. NOTE TO SELF: GET REVENGE ON HIM FOR HIS BAD THEATER REVIEW OF ME."
"Count Olaf is our 4th cousin three times removed," said Klaus. "So maybe we're related to Lemony Snicket, too."
"GOALS: NOW THAT I CONTROL THE MASTER SUGAR BOWL, I'LL FORCE A SCHISM IN THE V.F.D.. I WANT TO SET FIRES FOR FUN AND PROFIT INSTEAD OF PUTTING THEM OUT. I'LL BURN THE HOMES OF MY ENEMIES, AND MY ENEMIES THEMSELVES. I'LL BURN THE BAUDELAIRES, QUAGMIRES, AND THE VALOROUS FARMS DAIRY. AND I'LL PUT THE BLAME ON MY LOOK-ALIKE RELATIVE LEMONY SNICKET."
"He must have had control of the sugar bowl at one time. He didn't expect to loose it again and have someone read this," said Klaus.
"This is evidence that could put Count Olaf in jail," said Violet. "I want to keep this one." She put the salt carefully into her pocket. Then she put Klaus's glasses back together and gave them back to him.
"We have to keep the other secrets from falling into the hands of the cartel," said Klaus.
"Gormandize!" said Sunny.
"Sunny's right," said Violet. "Klaus, you have to eat the rest of the salt."
"All that salt?" said Klaus. "I don't think I can."
"Suck it into the straw, and we'll help you eat it." said Violet. "In between times, I'll try to bend this last straw into a lock pick.
They took turns eating straw-fulls of salt until it was all consumed. They felt a little thirsty and sick, but satisfied at denying their enemies the secrets of the V.F.D..
"That was important to do," said Klaus, "but it doesn't get us out of here."
"I know," said Violet. "I'm not having much luck picking the lock yet. The heat is making my hands slippery with sweat."
Just then, Mr. Poe came in, "Well now, I feel better after a little nap."
The children hastily hid the straws behind their backs. They couldn't try anything more with Mr. Poe watching.
A short time later, Justice Strauss and Jerome Squalor came bursting in.
"Hah!" said Strauss, "We finally got Captain Widdershins to talk by threatening to boil you in oil! He admitted that the secrets are engraved on salt crystals in the sugar bowl."
"But what happened to the salt?" asked Jerome, staring at the empty table.
"We ate it!" said Violet triumphantly.
"Mr. Poe, you were supposed to be watching them," said Justice Strauss. "What happened?"
"N-nothing... I was here the whole time.." said Mr. Poe weakly. "M-maybe it just blew away."
"I don't want to argue with you, but you're lying," said Jerome. He reached into his coat pocket. The instant he did this, Poe went for the gun in his top hat. But Justice Strauss acted even faster. She kicked Mr. Poe in the groin, and when he was doubled up in pain, she grabbed the hat away and got his gun.
"Please," said Poe, "I have a wife and children. And think of the orphans... who will take care of them if I'm not the Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs?"
"Oh, you take great care of orphans, don't you?" said Justice Strauss sarcastically. She shot Poe with his own gun.
"Now for you brats," said Jerome. He snatched up a kitchen knife. "Justice, I think we should cut them open and see if any salt crystals are still undissolved in their stomachs!"
Mr. Poe paced the floor in front of the frying bins. "Dear me, I wasn't expecting them to do anything quite this dreadful. I'm not feeling at all well."
"Then help us get out of here!" said Violet.
"Oh no, I couldn't do that," said Poe. "They'd kill me. But the sight of you in there is making me queasy. I'll just go and lie down for a while on the seat of my car." He went out the back door to the alley.
Left alone, children began to try to figure out what to do.
"Those sugar crystals don't look right to me," said Klaus. "Sugar crystals aren't cubical. Salt crystals are."
"We need to get a closer look at that 'sugar'. And I need to invent a tool to pick the locks. Let me think." Violet took off her hair ribbon. She was about to tie back her hair when she had a sudden thought.
"If this ribbon had a bit of something sticky on the end, I could snag the loose straws on the counter," Violet said.
"Gum" offered Sunny. She scraped the little bits of gum that had stuck to her teeth when she made the seal for the Queequeg's porthole. She passed it through the mesh to Klaus in the middle basket, who passed it to Violet.
"Great Sunny, but if the ribbon doesn't have a bit of weight and stiffness at the end I won't be able to cast it," said Violet.
"Ribbon tempura," said Sunny.
"Excellent idea, Sunny," said Klaus. "Your cooking skills have come through again."
Violet passed her hair ribbon through the wire mesh to Klaus, who passed it to Sunny.
Sunny lowered the ribbon into the hot oil just enough to get it sticky, then flopped it through the mesh onto the counter beside her, which was dusty with flour. Then she lowered the ribbon into the hot oil again, producing a hair ribbon with a stiff, batter-fried end. Sunny passed the ribbon tempura through the mesh to Klaus, who passed it to Violet.
Violet attached the gum and cast the batter-coated, gummed ribbon out toward the straws. Soon she had captured all the loose straws that were close enough.
Violet fastened several straws together end to end, sealing them with bits of the gum. The combined straws were long enough to reach the kitchen table.
"Here, Klaus. You're closest to the table. Inhale through the straw and draw in some of the salt. Not too much, just enough to get it into the straw. Then tilt the straw up and let the salt slide down to you."
Klaus did as Violet asked. He got some of the salt and looked at it closely.
"Many of the salt cubes are glued together on their edges to form miniature tablets. I'm used to reading very fine print, and I think I can see tiny letters engraved in the salt. I think I can see the word 'OLAF' on this one," said Klaus. "But I can't read the rest."
"Klaus, if we used both lenses of your glasses together we could make a magnifying glass, Violet said.
"But if I take my lenses out, I won't be able to see to read," said Klaus.
"Pass your glasses and the OLAF salt tablet to me, and I'll try to read it. I'll give you the glasses back when I'm done." Violet carefully popped out one lens from the wire frame and put it together with the other. With the two lenses combined she could read the letters clearly.
Violet read: "NAME: OLAF SNICKET, AKA COUNT OLAF. SKILLS: ACTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE, WORLD'S MOST HANDSOME MAN."
"He wrote this himself, obviously," she commented.
"RELATIVES IN THE V.F.D.: MY BROTHER MORT AND SISTER NATASHA (BUT THEY WILL KILL ANYONE WHO DOESN'T CALL THEM THE WOMAN WITH HAIR AND NO BEARD AND THE MAN WITH A BEARD AND NO HAIR, RESPECTIVELY)."
"So the Woman is a man and the Man is a woman?" said Klaus.
"Transvest," said Sunny.
"Apparently so," said Violet. "I noticed the Woman had a deep voice and the Man a high-pitched one."
"ONE MORE RELATIVE: A STUPID 4TH COUSIN TWICE REMOVED NAMED LEMONY SNICKET. NOTE TO SELF: GET REVENGE ON HIM FOR HIS BAD THEATER REVIEW OF ME."
"Count Olaf is our 4th cousin three times removed," said Klaus. "So maybe we're related to Lemony Snicket, too."
"GOALS: NOW THAT I CONTROL THE MASTER SUGAR BOWL, I'LL FORCE A SCHISM IN THE V.F.D.. I WANT TO SET FIRES FOR FUN AND PROFIT INSTEAD OF PUTTING THEM OUT. I'LL BURN THE HOMES OF MY ENEMIES, AND MY ENEMIES THEMSELVES. I'LL BURN THE BAUDELAIRES, QUAGMIRES, AND THE VALOROUS FARMS DAIRY. AND I'LL PUT THE BLAME ON MY LOOK-ALIKE RELATIVE LEMONY SNICKET."
"He must have had control of the sugar bowl at one time. He didn't expect to loose it again and have someone read this," said Klaus.
"This is evidence that could put Count Olaf in jail," said Violet. "I want to keep this one." She put the salt carefully into her pocket. Then she put Klaus's glasses back together and gave them back to him.
"We have to keep the other secrets from falling into the hands of the cartel," said Klaus.
"Gormandize!" said Sunny.
"Sunny's right," said Violet. "Klaus, you have to eat the rest of the salt."
"All that salt?" said Klaus. "I don't think I can."
"Suck it into the straw, and we'll help you eat it." said Violet. "In between times, I'll try to bend this last straw into a lock pick.
They took turns eating straw-fulls of salt until it was all consumed. They felt a little thirsty and sick, but satisfied at denying their enemies the secrets of the V.F.D..
"That was important to do," said Klaus, "but it doesn't get us out of here."
"I know," said Violet. "I'm not having much luck picking the lock yet. The heat is making my hands slippery with sweat."
Just then, Mr. Poe came in, "Well now, I feel better after a little nap."
The children hastily hid the straws behind their backs. They couldn't try anything more with Mr. Poe watching.
A short time later, Justice Strauss and Jerome Squalor came bursting in.
"Hah!" said Strauss, "We finally got Captain Widdershins to talk by threatening to boil you in oil! He admitted that the secrets are engraved on salt crystals in the sugar bowl."
"But what happened to the salt?" asked Jerome, staring at the empty table.
"We ate it!" said Violet triumphantly.
"Mr. Poe, you were supposed to be watching them," said Justice Strauss. "What happened?"
"N-nothing... I was here the whole time.." said Mr. Poe weakly. "M-maybe it just blew away."
"I don't want to argue with you, but you're lying," said Jerome. He reached into his coat pocket. The instant he did this, Poe went for the gun in his top hat. But Justice Strauss acted even faster. She kicked Mr. Poe in the groin, and when he was doubled up in pain, she grabbed the hat away and got his gun.
"Please," said Poe, "I have a wife and children. And think of the orphans... who will take care of them if I'm not the Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs?"
"Oh, you take great care of orphans, don't you?" said Justice Strauss sarcastically. She shot Poe with his own gun.
"Now for you brats," said Jerome. He snatched up a kitchen knife. "Justice, I think we should cut them open and see if any salt crystals are still undissolved in their stomachs!"