Chapter 3 of Book the 12th
Justice Strauss moved between Jerome Squalor and the children. "No, Jerome," she said. "Cutting them open would be useless. And even though I'd enjoy seeing them boiled in oil for their little trick, they're more useful alive. Look how threatening them made Widdershins talk." She turned off the heat under the oil vat. "Now give me the keys and I'll let them out."
"Degacnu!" said Sunny as soon as she was released, which meant, "I'm glad to get out of that hot, cramped fryer."
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stretched their arms and legs. But they knew this was only a temporary reprieve. Their lives would be in constant danger as long as they were in the hands of these ruthless people.
Jerome continued to scowl. "The cartel isn't going to be happy that we lost the sugar bowl secrets."
"I know," Strauss said, "That's why we have to regroup our forces and hit the V.F.D. hard. We'll compel them give us the secrets. First, we need to get Bruce back. He was captured by Count Olaf's side of the V.F.D.."
"Bruce works for you?" asked Klaus. "Quigley suspected him. He said Bruce had learned too many of the V.F.D.'s secrets."
"Bruce nearly got Montgomery Montgomery's whole collection of trained reptiles for us," said Strauss. "But then Count Olaf showed up in disguise and said he was another employee of the cartel who had orders to move the reptiles to a safer place. Bruce fell for it and he lost all the reptiles to Olaf except for a winged toad that got away during the transfer."
"If he's that incompetent, why bother rescuing him?" asked Squalor.
"Because Bruce has the trust of the Snow Scouts. Most of their parents are in the V.F.D.. We can brainwash the children and recruit them as spies," said Strauss.
"They'd never spy on their parents!" said Violet indignantly.
"It worked for an earlier generation of Snow Scouts. Fernald Widdershins became our agent because of his recruitment by Bruce," said Strauss.
"Fernald is your agent, too?" Violet asked. She shuddered as she thought of the hook-handed man and all the terrible things he had done for Count Olaf, and how he had said there was no right side of the V.F.D..
"Fernald blamed the V.F.D. for the loss of his hands in a Volunteer Feline Detective feeding accident," said Strauss. "He also hated that Gorgonic Grotto was being used for poisonous mushrooms, so he attacked and destroyed Anwhistle Aquatics. Because of that, he was kicked out of one faction of the V.F.D. and went to the other. But he also sends us information."
"What about Fiona?" asked Klaus.
"Fernald has managed to confuse the loyalties of his sister. Soon she'll be on our side, too."
"Never!" cried Klaus.
"You can't do anything about it," said Squalor. "Your job is to be a hostage until we don't need you anymore."
"Well put, Jerome," said Strauss. "Let's get all our hostages together and get to the Interrogator. We have a lot of work to do."
"Mizu?" asked Sunny.
"She's asking for water," said Klaus. "We're all very thirsty."
"No. It's only justice that you suffer for eating that salt," said Strauss.
"We won't be much good as hostages if we die of thirst," said Violet.
"It takes a long time to die of thirst," said Squalor darkly.
Justice Strauss left the kitchen and called down to the men in the wine cellar. Two armed thugs came up, looking very dangerous in spite of being dressed in Cafe Salmonella salmon-waiter costumes. With them were two men, both looking badly beaten-up.
"Captain Widdershins!" called Klaus. "Are you all right?"
"Abandon ship! Aye! Abandon all hope! Aye! No, chin up! No, run for your lives! Aye! He or she who hesitates is lost! We're doomed! Aye!" said Widdershins.
"Shut up!" said one of the thugs, cuffing Widdershins on the head.
"I'm just fine," said the optimist Phil, "Adventures like these make an interesting change from monotony at sea, don't you think?"
"Shut up!" said the other thug, cuffing Phil on the head.
"Make the prisoners take the body," said Jerome, pointing to the body of Poe on the floor. "Even though everyone at the Café Salmonella works for the cartel, I don't want gossip to get out. We'll dispose of the body at sea."
Captain Widdershins and Phil were forced to drag the heavy body of Mr. Poe, each holding one arm.
"Why would the cartel run a restaurant?" asked Klaus.
"To study and kill V.F.D.-trained salmon" said the first thug. "Now shut up and get moving!" He cuffed Klaus on the head.
"We'll go by secret passage to avoid attracting attention," said Squalor. He lifted a large tile in front of the kitchen sink, revealing a trap door.
Everyone marched down the long, lightless tunnel.
"I had this tunnel dug from here to 667 Dark Avenue so I could get back and forth without being seen," said Jerome Squalor.
"Esmé?" asked Sunny.
"No, of course Esmé didn't know about it. That stupid woman! I'm glad she went back to her boyfriend. It wasn't a marriage for love, anyway. She married me to get access to the ersatz elevator passage. I married her to learn more about the sugar bowl. It made for a fast courtship. We were married after only one evening together."
"I'm still a little jealous," said Justice Strauss. "I'm not sure you learned enough from her to make it worthwhile to marry her."
"I got a good deal of information about the sugar bowl," said Jerome. "I learned how the V.F.D. lost control of it to Count Olaf years ago, and how they got it back. Olaf started betraying the locations of their secret headquarters, one after another, so they were compelled to move. With all the packing and unpacking, eventually the sugar bowl was left unguarded in a box so Olaf could grab it. He used it to find like-minded V.F.D. members who wanted to take a more active, fight-fire-with-fire role in the world. He issued demands to the V.F.D. that forced a schism in their ranks."
"And how did they get it back?" asked Strauss."You never told me the whole story."
"Count Olaf foolishly lent the sugar bowl to Esmé to please her. While she had it, two V.F.D. agents tricked her. Beatrice Dante got herself invited to tea with Esmé and distracted her while her finaceé Lemony Snicket, disguised as Count Olaf disguised as a sideboard, sneaked in and stole the sugar bowl."
"Of course, Lemony Snicket!" said Justice Strauss. "I've been on the trail of that man myself. Count Olaf framed him for arson and he was forced to fake his own death and go on the run. I wrote him a letter pretending to be agent R, the Duchess of Winnipeg. I was hoping he would reply and let slip some information. To my great embarrassment, it was published in his unauthorized autobiography with notes about how I had gotten the codes wrong."
"The point at which Snicket disappeared is when the trail of the sugar bowl got confused," said Squalor. "The V.F.D. passed it from place to place, hand to hand, sometimes losing track of it altogether."
"Finally, we got our hands on it. And then these little brats ate the secrets!" said Strauss.
"Remind me to take a really gruesome revenge on them when we don't need them anymore," said Squalor.
"I will," said Strauss, in a voice that caused cold shivers up the spines of the Baudelaires.
"Here we are at last," said Squalor. "Home Sweet 667 Dark Avenue. The passage comes out in the doorman's office. It was perfect because Esmé believed the doorman, Fernald, was on her side when he was secretly working for us. I've had the elevator repaired since Esmé left, so we don't have to walk up 66 floors any more."
The group crowded into the elevator and rode to the penthouse floor. Instead of going down the hall to the penthouse, Jerome Squalor pressed the button of the ersatz elevator to open the empty shaft. The children gasped. Was he going to throw them down like Esmé had done? But Jerome pressed another button just inside the door and a rope ladder descended from the top of the shaft.
"We climb here," he announced. "There's another room above the penthouse that was once a secret V.F.D. hideout. I've converted it into a hanger for a stealth aircraft."
The prisoners were forced up the rope ladder. Phil and Captain Widdershins had great difficulty climbing the rope ladder carrying Poe's body, but they managed. The Baudelaires had no trouble climbing at all -- Sunny had once climbed this same shaft using only her teeth.
The floor above the penthouse was nearly filled with a huge, sleek jet plane. Its surface was so reflective that, by reflecting the walls around itself, it was practically invisible. It was beautiful but also terrifying to the Baudelaires.
The villains pushed the prisoners into the back cabin of the plane and locked them in. Through the windows they saw a wall slide back, and the plane shot out into the foggy air, its engines making almost no noise.
"We'll get out of the City without being seen by blending into the morning fog," said Squalor over the loudspeaker. "Next stop, the Interrogator."
Justice Strauss moved between Jerome Squalor and the children. "No, Jerome," she said. "Cutting them open would be useless. And even though I'd enjoy seeing them boiled in oil for their little trick, they're more useful alive. Look how threatening them made Widdershins talk." She turned off the heat under the oil vat. "Now give me the keys and I'll let them out."
"Degacnu!" said Sunny as soon as she was released, which meant, "I'm glad to get out of that hot, cramped fryer."
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stretched their arms and legs. But they knew this was only a temporary reprieve. Their lives would be in constant danger as long as they were in the hands of these ruthless people.
Jerome continued to scowl. "The cartel isn't going to be happy that we lost the sugar bowl secrets."
"I know," Strauss said, "That's why we have to regroup our forces and hit the V.F.D. hard. We'll compel them give us the secrets. First, we need to get Bruce back. He was captured by Count Olaf's side of the V.F.D.."
"Bruce works for you?" asked Klaus. "Quigley suspected him. He said Bruce had learned too many of the V.F.D.'s secrets."
"Bruce nearly got Montgomery Montgomery's whole collection of trained reptiles for us," said Strauss. "But then Count Olaf showed up in disguise and said he was another employee of the cartel who had orders to move the reptiles to a safer place. Bruce fell for it and he lost all the reptiles to Olaf except for a winged toad that got away during the transfer."
"If he's that incompetent, why bother rescuing him?" asked Squalor.
"Because Bruce has the trust of the Snow Scouts. Most of their parents are in the V.F.D.. We can brainwash the children and recruit them as spies," said Strauss.
"They'd never spy on their parents!" said Violet indignantly.
"It worked for an earlier generation of Snow Scouts. Fernald Widdershins became our agent because of his recruitment by Bruce," said Strauss.
"Fernald is your agent, too?" Violet asked. She shuddered as she thought of the hook-handed man and all the terrible things he had done for Count Olaf, and how he had said there was no right side of the V.F.D..
"Fernald blamed the V.F.D. for the loss of his hands in a Volunteer Feline Detective feeding accident," said Strauss. "He also hated that Gorgonic Grotto was being used for poisonous mushrooms, so he attacked and destroyed Anwhistle Aquatics. Because of that, he was kicked out of one faction of the V.F.D. and went to the other. But he also sends us information."
"What about Fiona?" asked Klaus.
"Fernald has managed to confuse the loyalties of his sister. Soon she'll be on our side, too."
"Never!" cried Klaus.
"You can't do anything about it," said Squalor. "Your job is to be a hostage until we don't need you anymore."
"Well put, Jerome," said Strauss. "Let's get all our hostages together and get to the Interrogator. We have a lot of work to do."
"Mizu?" asked Sunny.
"She's asking for water," said Klaus. "We're all very thirsty."
"No. It's only justice that you suffer for eating that salt," said Strauss.
"We won't be much good as hostages if we die of thirst," said Violet.
"It takes a long time to die of thirst," said Squalor darkly.
Justice Strauss left the kitchen and called down to the men in the wine cellar. Two armed thugs came up, looking very dangerous in spite of being dressed in Cafe Salmonella salmon-waiter costumes. With them were two men, both looking badly beaten-up.
"Captain Widdershins!" called Klaus. "Are you all right?"
"Abandon ship! Aye! Abandon all hope! Aye! No, chin up! No, run for your lives! Aye! He or she who hesitates is lost! We're doomed! Aye!" said Widdershins.
"Shut up!" said one of the thugs, cuffing Widdershins on the head.
"I'm just fine," said the optimist Phil, "Adventures like these make an interesting change from monotony at sea, don't you think?"
"Shut up!" said the other thug, cuffing Phil on the head.
"Make the prisoners take the body," said Jerome, pointing to the body of Poe on the floor. "Even though everyone at the Café Salmonella works for the cartel, I don't want gossip to get out. We'll dispose of the body at sea."
Captain Widdershins and Phil were forced to drag the heavy body of Mr. Poe, each holding one arm.
"Why would the cartel run a restaurant?" asked Klaus.
"To study and kill V.F.D.-trained salmon" said the first thug. "Now shut up and get moving!" He cuffed Klaus on the head.
"We'll go by secret passage to avoid attracting attention," said Squalor. He lifted a large tile in front of the kitchen sink, revealing a trap door.
Everyone marched down the long, lightless tunnel.
"I had this tunnel dug from here to 667 Dark Avenue so I could get back and forth without being seen," said Jerome Squalor.
"Esmé?" asked Sunny.
"No, of course Esmé didn't know about it. That stupid woman! I'm glad she went back to her boyfriend. It wasn't a marriage for love, anyway. She married me to get access to the ersatz elevator passage. I married her to learn more about the sugar bowl. It made for a fast courtship. We were married after only one evening together."
"I'm still a little jealous," said Justice Strauss. "I'm not sure you learned enough from her to make it worthwhile to marry her."
"I got a good deal of information about the sugar bowl," said Jerome. "I learned how the V.F.D. lost control of it to Count Olaf years ago, and how they got it back. Olaf started betraying the locations of their secret headquarters, one after another, so they were compelled to move. With all the packing and unpacking, eventually the sugar bowl was left unguarded in a box so Olaf could grab it. He used it to find like-minded V.F.D. members who wanted to take a more active, fight-fire-with-fire role in the world. He issued demands to the V.F.D. that forced a schism in their ranks."
"And how did they get it back?" asked Strauss."You never told me the whole story."
"Count Olaf foolishly lent the sugar bowl to Esmé to please her. While she had it, two V.F.D. agents tricked her. Beatrice Dante got herself invited to tea with Esmé and distracted her while her finaceé Lemony Snicket, disguised as Count Olaf disguised as a sideboard, sneaked in and stole the sugar bowl."
"Of course, Lemony Snicket!" said Justice Strauss. "I've been on the trail of that man myself. Count Olaf framed him for arson and he was forced to fake his own death and go on the run. I wrote him a letter pretending to be agent R, the Duchess of Winnipeg. I was hoping he would reply and let slip some information. To my great embarrassment, it was published in his unauthorized autobiography with notes about how I had gotten the codes wrong."
"The point at which Snicket disappeared is when the trail of the sugar bowl got confused," said Squalor. "The V.F.D. passed it from place to place, hand to hand, sometimes losing track of it altogether."
"Finally, we got our hands on it. And then these little brats ate the secrets!" said Strauss.
"Remind me to take a really gruesome revenge on them when we don't need them anymore," said Squalor.
"I will," said Strauss, in a voice that caused cold shivers up the spines of the Baudelaires.
"Here we are at last," said Squalor. "Home Sweet 667 Dark Avenue. The passage comes out in the doorman's office. It was perfect because Esmé believed the doorman, Fernald, was on her side when he was secretly working for us. I've had the elevator repaired since Esmé left, so we don't have to walk up 66 floors any more."
The group crowded into the elevator and rode to the penthouse floor. Instead of going down the hall to the penthouse, Jerome Squalor pressed the button of the ersatz elevator to open the empty shaft. The children gasped. Was he going to throw them down like Esmé had done? But Jerome pressed another button just inside the door and a rope ladder descended from the top of the shaft.
"We climb here," he announced. "There's another room above the penthouse that was once a secret V.F.D. hideout. I've converted it into a hanger for a stealth aircraft."
The prisoners were forced up the rope ladder. Phil and Captain Widdershins had great difficulty climbing the rope ladder carrying Poe's body, but they managed. The Baudelaires had no trouble climbing at all -- Sunny had once climbed this same shaft using only her teeth.
The floor above the penthouse was nearly filled with a huge, sleek jet plane. Its surface was so reflective that, by reflecting the walls around itself, it was practically invisible. It was beautiful but also terrifying to the Baudelaires.
The villains pushed the prisoners into the back cabin of the plane and locked them in. Through the windows they saw a wall slide back, and the plane shot out into the foggy air, its engines making almost no noise.
"We'll get out of the City without being seen by blending into the morning fog," said Squalor over the loudspeaker. "Next stop, the Interrogator."