Chapter 9 of Book the 12th
On Thursday morning the Baudelaires were brought before Jerome Squalor and Justice Strauss.
"We're going to the Hotel Denouement," announced the Justice. "Before we get there, we want some information from you. I can't believe you would just eat all the salt messages without reading any of them. You're going to tell us what you read."
"We didn't read any of them," said Violet. She realized they would try to use the information to bluff the V.F.D. into thinking they had the sugar bowl.
"You're lying," said Jerome. "Tell us or your little sister dies."
"You're planning to kill us all soon anyway," said Klaus.
"Hobson!" said Sunny, which meant "I might as well die now as later."
Strauss gave a sudden smile. "I don't think we need to threaten them after all. What's that bulge in Violet's pocket? It looks about the right size for a commonplace book."
"No!" said Violet, but they grabbed her and took the book from her pocket. The villains riffled through it. On the last page there was a transcription of the OLAF salt message which Violet had made during the night.
"Perfect, just what we need!" said Strauss. "V.F.D. agents are fools for keeping notes like this."
"Since they've become so uncooperative let's put them back in the Holding Cell," said Squalor.
When the Baudelaires were next conscious, the Interrogator was docked by the side of the Grim River, right beside the Hotel Denouement. Everyone, including all the Snow Scouts, was marched up the bank, into the back entrance, and through a corridor into the central courtyard.
The Hotel Denouement is built in a hollow square around a huge central courtyard open to the sky. In three of the four corners the agents of the various sides were gathered.
The "fight fire with fire" faction of the V.F.D. was lead by the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard. Standing with them were Kevin, Hugo, and Colette of the Caligari Carnival, Geraldine Julienne of the Daily Punctilio, and many other sinister agents. Sitting on the ground near them, tied up as prisoners, were a few Snow Scouts that Count Olaf had not needed, and also Hector, Duncan, and Isadora. Hector's self-sustaining flying machine had been captured by eagles and brought here. It was moored to the top of the Hotel Denouement. The villains had also brought many lions, eagles, and reptiles in cages to show off their conquests.
The "world is quiet here" faction of the V.F.D. was led by Kit Snicket. By her side were Quigley Quagmire and myself, Lemony Snicket. There were many other agents, including taxi drivers, Happy Clown waiters, the man known as "Sir" who owned Lucky Smells Lumbermill, and the librarian from Prufrock Preparatory school. We had brought our "fire extinguishers", carrier crows, and boxes containing high-tech inventions and weapons.
The new arrivals took their place among the agents of the cabal that were already here: fish waiters from Cafe Salmonella, several Volunteers Fighting Disease, two realtors, Mrs. Morrow from the Village of Fowl Devotees, Vice Principal Nero, and, to my surprise, Charles from the Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Justice Strauss carried the sugar bowl (which they had refilled with plain salt) and set it down on the podium in front of her. Jerome Squalor stood close beside her.
"Welcome, friends, enemies, and neutrals, to the V.F.D. truce convention," said Kit into her microphone. "Traditionally, the side with the sugar bowl speaks first and sets the agenda. This year, we have a new player in the game. Tell us, what do you want?"
"We represent the Interrogator Cabal," said Justice Strauss into her microphone. "As you can see, we have captured your sugar bowl. Your secrets have already been transcribed and sent to our main office, so don't try anything. We are here to negotiate further with the V.F.D."
"What more do you want?" demanded the woman with hair and no beard in a deep, deep voice.
"There are secrets that were not in the sugar bowl, such as that flying machine which was just recently finished," said Strauss. "But first, as a gesture of good faith, we would like to restore these young people we rescued from Count Olaf's submarine to their parents."
There was a cheer from the Snow Scouts.
"They don't have parents any more," said the man with a beard and no hair in a high, hoarse voice. "We've been busy these past few days and burned down all their parent's homes as we planned."
There was a wail from the Snow Scouts.
"There goes our idea to use them as spies against their parents," whispered Jerome to the Justice.
"In that case, we'll give them to whichever side makes us the best offer of secrets," said Strauss into the microphone.
"We'll give you our new secrets, the flying machine, and its inventor in exchange for the Snow Scout orphans and the Baudelaires," said the woman with hair and no beard. "We want to steal their fortunes."
"The Baudelaires are not on the table," said the Justice. "We promised ourselves revenge on them for annoying us."
"We only need one," said the man with a beard and no hair, "And we promise to kill that one once we have their money."
"Slowly and painfully?" asked Squalor.
"Agreed," said the man with a beard and no hair.
"Any counter-offers?" the Justice asked Kit.
"We offer all the new products of our research and development for the next two years in exchange for the children, including the Baudelaires" said Kit. "But we won't kill anyone for you."
"I don't like to argue. No deal," said Squalor. "We'll go with the first offer."
"It will take some time to separate out from our sugar-bowls the duplicate records you already have," said the woman with hair and no beard.
"Oh, don't worry about duplications," said the Justice.
The man with a beard and no hair's eyes narrowed, "Don't worry about duplications? That sounds suspicious to me. How do we know you have the secrets at all? Anyone could buy a sugar bowl."
"Of course we have them," said Squalor, "I'll prove it." He took out the commonplace book and began to read. "NAME: OLAF SNICKET, AKA COUNT OLAF. SKILLS: ACTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE, WORLD'S MOST HANDSOME MAN. RELATIVES IN THE V.F.D.: MY BROTHER MORT AND SISTER NATASHA (BUT THEY WILL KILL ANYONE WHO DOESN'T CALL THEM THE MAN WITH A BEARD AND NO HAIR AND THE WOMAN WITH HAIR AND NO BEARD RESPECTIVELY)."
The woman with hair and no beard interrupted with a snarl, "Under ordinary circumstances we'd kill you for using our birth names..."
The man with a beard and no hair said, "Wait a second! They didn't; they got them backward! They said, Mort and Natasha... the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard respectively!"
"They don't have the sugar bowl!" yelled the woman with hair and no beard to the other V.F.D. agents. "Attack them!"
The agents waiting beside the cages suddenly opened them, releasing lions, eagles, and reptiles. The agents on our side opened the boxes to release killer robot gerbils carrying poisonous mushrooms in their mouths. The agents of the cabal drew their weapons and began shooting. In an instant it was a pandemonium (which here means a wild mess of lions, eagles, reptiles, killer robot gerbils, and gunfire). Soon, all three sides were fighting each other.
"What happened?" Justice Strauss demanded of Violet. Strauss was cowering for cover behind the podium.
"I figured you might need proof, so last night I transcribed the message wrong to set a trap for you," said Violet.
"You've forced me to use my weapon of last resort," said Strauss. "You won't enjoy what happens next."
Strauss took out her whistle and blew a series of eerie, high-pitched notes. There was a loud splashing sound from outside, and then the long tentacles of the Interrogator wrapped themselves around the whole hotel and began to squeeze.
On Thursday morning the Baudelaires were brought before Jerome Squalor and Justice Strauss.
"We're going to the Hotel Denouement," announced the Justice. "Before we get there, we want some information from you. I can't believe you would just eat all the salt messages without reading any of them. You're going to tell us what you read."
"We didn't read any of them," said Violet. She realized they would try to use the information to bluff the V.F.D. into thinking they had the sugar bowl.
"You're lying," said Jerome. "Tell us or your little sister dies."
"You're planning to kill us all soon anyway," said Klaus.
"Hobson!" said Sunny, which meant "I might as well die now as later."
Strauss gave a sudden smile. "I don't think we need to threaten them after all. What's that bulge in Violet's pocket? It looks about the right size for a commonplace book."
"No!" said Violet, but they grabbed her and took the book from her pocket. The villains riffled through it. On the last page there was a transcription of the OLAF salt message which Violet had made during the night.
"Perfect, just what we need!" said Strauss. "V.F.D. agents are fools for keeping notes like this."
"Since they've become so uncooperative let's put them back in the Holding Cell," said Squalor.
When the Baudelaires were next conscious, the Interrogator was docked by the side of the Grim River, right beside the Hotel Denouement. Everyone, including all the Snow Scouts, was marched up the bank, into the back entrance, and through a corridor into the central courtyard.
The Hotel Denouement is built in a hollow square around a huge central courtyard open to the sky. In three of the four corners the agents of the various sides were gathered.
The "fight fire with fire" faction of the V.F.D. was lead by the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard. Standing with them were Kevin, Hugo, and Colette of the Caligari Carnival, Geraldine Julienne of the Daily Punctilio, and many other sinister agents. Sitting on the ground near them, tied up as prisoners, were a few Snow Scouts that Count Olaf had not needed, and also Hector, Duncan, and Isadora. Hector's self-sustaining flying machine had been captured by eagles and brought here. It was moored to the top of the Hotel Denouement. The villains had also brought many lions, eagles, and reptiles in cages to show off their conquests.
The "world is quiet here" faction of the V.F.D. was led by Kit Snicket. By her side were Quigley Quagmire and myself, Lemony Snicket. There were many other agents, including taxi drivers, Happy Clown waiters, the man known as "Sir" who owned Lucky Smells Lumbermill, and the librarian from Prufrock Preparatory school. We had brought our "fire extinguishers", carrier crows, and boxes containing high-tech inventions and weapons.
The new arrivals took their place among the agents of the cabal that were already here: fish waiters from Cafe Salmonella, several Volunteers Fighting Disease, two realtors, Mrs. Morrow from the Village of Fowl Devotees, Vice Principal Nero, and, to my surprise, Charles from the Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Justice Strauss carried the sugar bowl (which they had refilled with plain salt) and set it down on the podium in front of her. Jerome Squalor stood close beside her.
"Welcome, friends, enemies, and neutrals, to the V.F.D. truce convention," said Kit into her microphone. "Traditionally, the side with the sugar bowl speaks first and sets the agenda. This year, we have a new player in the game. Tell us, what do you want?"
"We represent the Interrogator Cabal," said Justice Strauss into her microphone. "As you can see, we have captured your sugar bowl. Your secrets have already been transcribed and sent to our main office, so don't try anything. We are here to negotiate further with the V.F.D."
"What more do you want?" demanded the woman with hair and no beard in a deep, deep voice.
"There are secrets that were not in the sugar bowl, such as that flying machine which was just recently finished," said Strauss. "But first, as a gesture of good faith, we would like to restore these young people we rescued from Count Olaf's submarine to their parents."
There was a cheer from the Snow Scouts.
"They don't have parents any more," said the man with a beard and no hair in a high, hoarse voice. "We've been busy these past few days and burned down all their parent's homes as we planned."
There was a wail from the Snow Scouts.
"There goes our idea to use them as spies against their parents," whispered Jerome to the Justice.
"In that case, we'll give them to whichever side makes us the best offer of secrets," said Strauss into the microphone.
"We'll give you our new secrets, the flying machine, and its inventor in exchange for the Snow Scout orphans and the Baudelaires," said the woman with hair and no beard. "We want to steal their fortunes."
"The Baudelaires are not on the table," said the Justice. "We promised ourselves revenge on them for annoying us."
"We only need one," said the man with a beard and no hair, "And we promise to kill that one once we have their money."
"Slowly and painfully?" asked Squalor.
"Agreed," said the man with a beard and no hair.
"Any counter-offers?" the Justice asked Kit.
"We offer all the new products of our research and development for the next two years in exchange for the children, including the Baudelaires" said Kit. "But we won't kill anyone for you."
"I don't like to argue. No deal," said Squalor. "We'll go with the first offer."
"It will take some time to separate out from our sugar-bowls the duplicate records you already have," said the woman with hair and no beard.
"Oh, don't worry about duplications," said the Justice.
The man with a beard and no hair's eyes narrowed, "Don't worry about duplications? That sounds suspicious to me. How do we know you have the secrets at all? Anyone could buy a sugar bowl."
"Of course we have them," said Squalor, "I'll prove it." He took out the commonplace book and began to read. "NAME: OLAF SNICKET, AKA COUNT OLAF. SKILLS: ACTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE, WORLD'S MOST HANDSOME MAN. RELATIVES IN THE V.F.D.: MY BROTHER MORT AND SISTER NATASHA (BUT THEY WILL KILL ANYONE WHO DOESN'T CALL THEM THE MAN WITH A BEARD AND NO HAIR AND THE WOMAN WITH HAIR AND NO BEARD RESPECTIVELY)."
The woman with hair and no beard interrupted with a snarl, "Under ordinary circumstances we'd kill you for using our birth names..."
The man with a beard and no hair said, "Wait a second! They didn't; they got them backward! They said, Mort and Natasha... the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard respectively!"
"They don't have the sugar bowl!" yelled the woman with hair and no beard to the other V.F.D. agents. "Attack them!"
The agents waiting beside the cages suddenly opened them, releasing lions, eagles, and reptiles. The agents on our side opened the boxes to release killer robot gerbils carrying poisonous mushrooms in their mouths. The agents of the cabal drew their weapons and began shooting. In an instant it was a pandemonium (which here means a wild mess of lions, eagles, reptiles, killer robot gerbils, and gunfire). Soon, all three sides were fighting each other.
"What happened?" Justice Strauss demanded of Violet. Strauss was cowering for cover behind the podium.
"I figured you might need proof, so last night I transcribed the message wrong to set a trap for you," said Violet.
"You've forced me to use my weapon of last resort," said Strauss. "You won't enjoy what happens next."
Strauss took out her whistle and blew a series of eerie, high-pitched notes. There was a loud splashing sound from outside, and then the long tentacles of the Interrogator wrapped themselves around the whole hotel and began to squeeze.