Consequences
Part Five
He'd debated what he should do with himself since the moment he saw Mia in Laira's arms.
Stay with his team, or stay with Mia?
His team sat on the end of the pier; Teal'c sitting proudly upright, Daniel curled up over his knees, and Carter leaning against the pylon – almost hugging it, really. He observed her a moment longer than the other two, glancing away when she returned his gaze.
"As you've probably guessed, the situation with Mia changes a lot of things," he said, unable to meet their eyes. Staring down gave him the view of the rough wooden planks, but it was easier to look at the planks than at the earnest expression of Daniel, the unruffled certainty on Teal'c's face, or the masking calm he knew he'd see in Carter's eyes. "It means I'm a father..." A father again. And this time I'll do a better job – I swear! "...with responsibilities to Mia." His daughter. The daughter Laira hadn't told him about – had been willing to bring up without him there. "I can't... I won't avoid them."
As their CO, he didn't have to explain his reasons. As their friend, he did. He owed them that.
"Charlie..." his voice husked a little as he thought of the bright-eyed child, so full of mischief and energy. The son he had loved with all his heart and soul. "Charlie grew up with a father who was usually absent. Home today, out somewhere else tomorrow. And every time I walked away from home, neither of us knew if we'd see each other again. I won't do that to Mia." He looked up at them, met Daniel's understanding and flinched away from it. "So...I'll be leaving SG-1."
The words hung in the air between them, the death knell of the last five years they'd been a team. A painful concluding statement to everything that they'd done together since the inception of the SGC. He'd miss them – but his daughter needed him.
He didn't mention Laira. He was grateful to her for making his time on Edora bearable, grateful to her for Mia, but he would just as soon not be tied to this planet and to her. Shameful as it was, Laira had been comfort, a way out of the endless loneliness that surrounded him during that period. From a different world and a different way of life, few had been willing to accept him, seeing him as an interloper – the reason they were without the rest of their people. Laira had accepted him, helped him, and eased the pain of having believed he'd lost even more people he cared about. Back then, given time enough, he would have loved her as she deserved.
Not anymore.
Two years had changed him – had changed things in him, even if things on Edora had remained the same in that time.
Carter stared at her hands as if they were the most fascinating objects in the world. "But you won't be retiring, sir?" She'd heard what he'd said and what he hadn't. God, he'd miss her.
He'd miss them.
"No. Not straight away. I spoke with Hammond...he wants me to stay on at the SGC as a consultant rather than as an active team member. When they need me, they'll call me up."
"So we won't be losing you entirely?"
"You won't be losing me at all," Jack informed Daniel.
"That is good to hear, O'Neill," Teal'c stated. "General Hammond will appreciate your continued presence around the base."
He cracked a grin at the big man: "I wouldn't be so sure about that, Teal'c,"
Only Carter remained silent, continuing to inspect her hands. Jack wished she'd say something – anything! Did she hate him for Laira and Mia? Did she despise him for giving up the fight against the Goa'uld for something as small and insignificant as a single child? Of them all, he expected Carter to be the one who understood why he was doing this: both military and human reasons – and to be the least forgiving.
At last she raised her head and found him looking at her. A smile touched her lips, stealing over the features like a new day. "I'm glad you'll still be working with us, sir."
Her words were sincere enough, but he could tell she had reservations. Exactly what reservations, Jack didn't know and was afraid to find out. Two years ago, she'd been his team-mate, his second-in-command, and his friend. Now...now he had no idea what they were to each other. She was still 'all of the above' to him, but she was also something else that they'd never expressed or explored.
"I don't suppose General Hammond said anything about who would be replacing you? Or about who'd be commanding us?" Daniel's eyes flickered briefly to Sam. No prizes for guessing Daniel's train of thought.
"Not yet. For crying out loud, Daniel, I only informed him about the situation two days ago! We discussed my options: retirement, transferral, and the timeframe of my departure from SG-1."
"Which would be?"
"Probably after the next mission," he told them, studying their faces one by one, reading their reactions. "Hammond figured we needed a break after the last couple of months – the business with Anubis and the Tok'ra and everything. He was gonna give us a month of leave anyway, so now it'll be a combination of winding down, finding a new member, and easing him – or her – into the team." Jack saw Daniel's mouth open again, and held up his hands, "Daniel, I don't know what Hammond's going to do about the command situation – you just gotta trust he learned from the business with Makepeace."
It would take a more flexible commanding officer than Makepeace had been to deal effectively with Daniel. Sometimes, even Jack found himself surprised he'd survived five years of 'commanding' the younger man. A civilian Daniel Jackson might be, but nobody ever said the military had the monopoly on people with souls of steel. If Daniel didn't want to move, then odds were that he wouldn't – or he'd find a way to go around it. And the women on the base thought Dr. Jackson was such a sweet, easy-going guy! They'd obviously never tried to argue him out of a pet moral stand before.
"All right, Jack," Daniel sighed, but smiling.
Whatever his issues with Daniel, Jack was glad they'd sorted them out this morning while looking for Carter. He'd had no idea Daniel felt so strongly about his time on Edora. The accusations had been uncomfortable – all the more because they were frighteningly accurate. Jack had betrayed the trust of his team – twice in less than a month. The insult of the undercover Stargate operation had been piled on the injury of his lack of faith in his team's abilities and determination – whatever the reasons behind both situations, and the scars still ached in Daniel.
On the off-chance Teal'c had similarly managed to keep some resentment under wraps – the Jaffa brought new meaning to the term 'poker face' – Jack had quizzed his friend this morning. The outcome of that 'little chat' comforted him a bit. Teal'c hadn't felt as intensely as Daniel – but then, Teal'c was a different person and personality than Daniel. He might have been a little disconcerted by the ease with, which Jack had decided his team wasn't coming back for him, but Teal'c had let go of any bitterness he felt.
Which left Carter.
Jack had almost no idea how she felt about Edora first time around – tired, perhaps? The days after his return from Edora were a hazed blur. He'd forced himself to focus on the upcoming mission to the exclusion of his team. Oh, he'd watched as Daniel prepared the thing for presentation to the Tollans, even if the younger man was a bit reserved. Teal'c was frequently around him - probably reassuring himself that the time spent on Edora hadn't done anything to his friend and comrade. But Carter was rarely seen around the base.
Jack had heard the gossip of course. Carter had worn herself to the bone working on the particle accelerator – night and day, week in week out. There were gleeful whispers that she wouldn't have done it for anyone else – only for Colonel O'Neill; but other voices snorted in disdain and pointed out that even if the Colonel wasn't stuck on Edora there were still two hundred Edorans who wanted to go back home – and everyone knew Major Carter thrived on a challenge.
One thing was sure, after Jack returned, both Fraiser and Hammond had declared that if they saw Carter anywhere in the vicinity of the mountain complex, she'd be tied down in the brig until she'd gotten enough sleep to satisfy them. Daniel checked up on her daily – it was obviously something he'd become accustomed to doing in Jack's absence – and reported back to Hammond, Fraiser, Teal'c, and Jack.
When Jack finally saw her again – the day before the Tollan mission, she was her usual polite self. There was nothing out of place, although she didn't seem to be holding his gaze. He'd had no idea why, and hadn't been in a mood to ask, only too aware of the undercover operation beginning the next day and how he'd need all his resources to deal with that.
Now, she was discovering the fascination of her hands, refusing to look up from them.
No hints, then.
He'd talk to her afterwards, after this. There were some things he had to say to her, now that it didn't matter whether they were said or not.
"That's the basics," he said quietly, still watching her. "It'll be worked out in the next couple of weeks. Details, small stuff like that." Silence. "Look, I didn't get a lot of choice in being stuck here last time...and I don't have a lot of choice this time." And that was as close to saying how much he regretted it ending this way. "My daughter needs me."
Daniel looked over at him, "We understand, Jack."
"I also understand, O'Neill." Teal'c didn't agree with Jack's decision, as the Jaffa had informed him this morning, but he comprehended what drove Jack to bring up his daughter.
Carter just nodded. "What will you do on Edora, sir?"
"Farm, I suppose." He managed a smile for her, "I did it for three months and I wasn't that bad..."
Her return smile was wry, "I never figured you as the green thumb type, Colonel." She knew well enough that any plants he ever had died within a month.
"Neither did I, Carter. Guess I'll be learning."
"You're coming back with us tonight, though?" Daniel asked hopefully. "I mean, you're not going to be moving here immediately?"
"Yeah, I'm coming back. It'll take a few days to get everything on Earth sorted out..." He grimaced. "You know how much paperwork is required when we lose our equipment on a mission? Do you have any idea about how much more paperwork is required to apply for offworld living status?"
"Less than would be required for an alien living on Earth, O'Neill," Teal'c stated with a quirk to his mouth.
Jack mock-glared at him. "Steal my thunder, why dontcha, Teal'c?"
"You're the first person to apply for off-world living status, sir. There are no forms."
"Yet. Hammond was thinking about developing an off-world training base so we can run the test simulations without interrupting the general running of the SGC. Trust me, Carter, the bureaucracy is moving with the times." He clapped his hands together, "Look, why don't we do pizza and videos at my house, tonight?" Things were moving so fast now – changing so fast. Jack wanted to spend a little more time with his team before everything he'd known vanished. He'd miss them. "You can help me clean up my place."
"Pizza and videos sound good." Daniel got up, stretching his legs. "You can do your own cleaning, though!" He grinned and Jack grinned back. "Look, Hammond is expecting either us or a report by midday, which is it gonna be?"
"Us," Jack told him. He couldn't hide on this planet any longer, hiding his face from the SGC and the news that would have spread through the levels of Cheyenne Mountain like an infectious disease. He'd made his mistakes, and now the time had come to live with it. "I have to tell Laira what's happening," he said. Like checking in with the wife before going down to the bar for a drink with the boys. Jack hid his grimace. Such a thought wasn't fair to Laira. "I'll meet you down at the station in an hour before midday. Okay?"
The others nodded and got up from their positions.
Carter moved more slowly than the others, clearly still stiff from her night sleeping on the planks. Jack watched her surreptitiously. In spite of her apparent acquiescence to the situation, something was still gnawing at her. He'd been the CO of this woman for five years, and he knew the habits that marked her moods. Something didn't sit right with her.
"Major Carter? Will you be returning to the village with O'Neill?"
She was leaning against the post, doing her morning stretch exercises. "Yes. I should apologise to Altan and Piera for vanishing from their hospitality in the middle of the night." A smile crossed her face, "And Tam probably wants another story."
Jack thought of the boy who had faced him down the previous day, and grinned.
"Uh, I don't think you have to worry about that, Sam. Tam was waiting for us in the Stargate glade when we arrived this morning," Daniel commented, "He wanted to know what kind of stories Teal'c told his children."
"I promised him the tale of Fare'ki and the mivv'kas," Teal'c informed his friends. "Rya'c has many times asked for that story to be told as he lay down to sleep – it is one of his favourites."
Jack didn't ask who Fare'ki was, or what a mivv'kas was. In five years, Teal'c would sometimes come up with the oddest bits and pieces about family life among the Chulakian Jaffa. "That's quite a career change," he drawled, as he started along the path. "From First Prime to Children's Storyteller."
The Jaffa's expression grew visibly amused, as he drew alongside Jack. "O'Neill, once you have moved to Edora, these children will look to you as their source of information about the galaxy and the worlds beyond. I believe they will be asking you for many tales of your adventures."
Behind them, Daniel gave a shout of laughter. "You'll be telling stories every night of the year, Jack!"
"Peachy," he commented dryly. "I'll have to make sure I end up as the handsome hero in all of them."
They started back along the path to the village, and at the fork, which led to the research station, Teal'c and Daniel headed off, while Carter and he followed the road that led down to the collection of houses below.
Jack walked beside her in silence until he was sure Daniel and Teal'c were out of earshot. Then he stopped and caught her shoulder. "Carter."
She turned to face him. "Sir?"
"When I told Daniel I didn't know who Hammond had in mind to replace me, I...kinda didn't tell the whole truth." She didn't answer, just waited for him to continue. There was mixed hope and fear in her eyes: So Carter did want her own command, whatever she said otherwise. "Hammond asked me if I thought you were ready for command of SG-1. I told him you were more than ready."
A little smile touched her lips, "Thank-you, sir."
"Truthfully, you should have had your own command months ago," he told her, holding her gaze with his own. "I...I wanted to keep us together." For more reasons than because SG-1 was a good team, but he didn't need to say that – she understood. "Carter..."
She recognised the tone of voice and began to back away from the conversation, although their physical positions didn't change an inch, "Sir, I don't think this is the time or place..."
Exasperation made him sharper than he intended. "It's never the time or place, Carter. If not now, when? Look, I know this whole thing with Laira is difficult and I'm sorry..."
"It's not Laira," she said steadily. Her expression was troubled, but she was telling the truth. It wasn't the situation with Laira that was causing her state of mind, but something else. He felt a jab of disappointment – couldn't she at least feel a little bit jealous? What was disturbing her, anyway? "And there's nothing to apologise for, sir..."
Her denial angered him: "Yes, Carter. There is something to apologise for. Maybe not for...anything between us...but for forgetting that you guys would never leave me behind." And a little part of him wanted her to feel as helpless and frustrated by this situation as he did.
"Apology accepted."
He scrubbed one hand through his hair, bitterly. "And just because we've never spoken about us doesn't mean there's nothing! Carter, I swore the business with the za'tarc testing would be kept in the room, that it wouldn't change anything..."
"Something like that changes everything," she replied steadily. "Just like the situation we're in now."
Yes. Like their situation now.
Jack was trapped and he knew it. Trapped on Edora, trapped by Mia, trapped by Laira.
Carter took a deep breath. "This 'retirement' was not entirely of your choosing, sir, and I know that. We never spoke about...those things because it wasn't the time or place to speak of them. It still isn't, and now it probably never will be."
Under the quiet calm of her voice, there was a soft catching note, and Jack turned from the meadows around them into her eyes and saw the regret there.
It took his breath away.
They stood there in the morning sunlight of another planet, less than two feet away from each other, looking into the other's face. Whatever was between them, unspoken and unallowed, would remain unspoken and unallowed forever now. That was the way things were and the way they had to be.
Of its own accord, one hand reached for her shoulder, then changed its direction to lift up and brush by her cheek. "Sam." For a wonder she didn't flinch from him, and there was no distress in her expression, only the steady, slightly sad gaze of her blue eyes.
I care about you more than I'm supposed to, and you care about me more than you should, but none of that matters in the end, does it? We're both trapped by these circumstances and the consequences of my actions two years ago.
The moment stretched out, lengthy and painful, but a movement in the corner of their eyes caught their attention, and he dropped his hand from her cheek as they turned in unison to find Laira watching them. From her expression it was evident that she was shocked and a little hurt by the comfortable intimacy of their positions, and Jack silently cursed again. There were days when it seemed that only thing he was good for was hurting others. Daniel, Sam, Laira...
Carter took a step away, instinctively reaffirming the physical and emotional distance between them. "Fair Day, Laira."
It took the other woman a moment to find her voice, "Fair Day, Major Carter."
Silence.
Carter glanced at him and flashed him a tiny smile before she shifted uncomfortably, like a woman caught in private conference with another woman's husband. "I'm going down to the village to speak with Piera," she told Jack. "I'll see you when it's time to go, sir."
"Sure, Carter." He watched her go, knowing Laira was waiting for his attention, but choosing to ignore her as he'd ignored Carter that other time on Edora years ago.
She never turned back to look at him.
And that hurt most of all.
End of Part Five