"A Moment in Her Presence" Part 2/3

By Joan Powers

As they left the restaurant, Sara noticed a park across the street. She hated the idea of possibly spoiling their first date, but conflicting emotions were overpowering her. She had to talk to him, tonight. As much as she was desperately aching to dash back to her apartment and have this man touch every inch of her body, she couldn't do it without getting some answers from him first.

"Gil, can we go for a walk? I need to talk with you about some things"

"Sure," he agreed.

They crossed the street and began to walk along a concrete path. Grissom noticed a bench, "You want to sit down?" He'd caught on that something more serious was on her mind.

"That's a good idea."

The two sat on the park bench. Sara took several breaths trying to calm down and organize her thoughts, while Gil looked at her with concern.

"What's wrong?"

This is so ridiculous.

She was flustered, yet she had to say it. If she couldn't be honest with him, then it wasn't a relationship worth pursuing. She confessed, "This is so stupid. How come I'm so nervous and you're not?"

To her surprise, he responded, "Who says I'm not nervous?"

"You don't seem it to me."

He assured her, "Sara, I have some advantages over you. You're going through a lot right now. Cut yourself a break. Also, when you tell a man that you're head over heals in love with him despite the fact that he's acted like a complete idiot, it tends to do something for his confidence."

There it is. How can I tell him what I need without hurting his feelings?

He moved closer to her, to put his arm around her shoulder. He gazed into her eyes and explained, "Sara, you don't always have to be strong. I want to be strong for you. I want to go through this with you."

His words moved her, "Thanks. I'm just used to being on my own. I'd hate to come to depend on someone and then be in trouble when they've moved on."

"This sounds familiar. But isn't it my line?" he half-grinned.

She laughed at herself. "Yeah." But it led into another of her concerns. "What do you want out of this relationship Gil?" Before he could weasel his way out it, she quickly added, "I need to hear from you first."

He thought for a moment about how to express himself, "I want it all. I want to work with you, eat with you, and sleep with you. I want you to be the first person I see when I wake up and the last person I see when I go to sleep. I want you to be part of my life."

Once Sara had told him that she loved him, despite his flaws, it removed his paralyzing fear of being involved with her. Now he couldn't imagine his life ever being complete without her.

"Not just work or sex?"

"Those are important parts, but no, not just those things." Hoping that he wasn't offending her, he told her exactly how he felt. "Call me old fashioned but I want a serious committed long-term relationship."

She smiled, "Good, 'cause that's what I want too."

They both visibly relaxed.

He laughed. "No fair, that was easy for you."

"Hey, I've taken a lot of abuse from you." She was half-joking but it came out more caustic than she intended. She could see it in his expression; she'd hurt him. She rushed to say, "I'm sorry." She reached for his hands.

"No, it's okay. I deserved that." He took a breath; he felt he had to say something that was hard for him. He tenderly squeezed her hands and looked into her eyes. His voice even trembled some, "Sara, I feel terrible about the way I've treated you over the past. Although I was scared it doesn't justify the things I've done to you. I've been such a complete idiot that I'm amazed that you can love me."

Even though she agreed with some of what he said, Sara wanted to reassure him, she hated to see him hurting. She tried to interrupt him, but he wouldn't let her.

His voice was husky with emotion. "It's going take some time for you to completely trust me and I understand that. I love you Sara, I'm so sorry that I've hurt you so badly. Can you forgive me?"

Yes. That's it. That's what I needed.

At that moment, any vestige of anger or hurt feelings residing in her melted away. "All you had to do was ask." She whispered to him as she leaned forward to kiss him.

He eagerly returned her kiss, yet he pulled away before it became more passionate. He sensed that she had more to deal with. "What else is on your mind?"

Sara was disappointed that Grissom broke off their kiss, yet he was right.

She wasn't sure how to broach this. She knew it was a sensitive topic for him. "Um...Are you going to tell the others at work about us?"

He was uncomfortable, "I'm not sure how to handle that. I don't particularly like other people knowing my private business and I don't want anyone to think that I'm playing favorites..."

Sara was firm, "I know those things are hard for you but I don't want to feel like I'm some dirty little secret. I don't want to act or feel as if I should be ashamed of what we're doing. I love you GilZ. We don't have to flaunt it; we're both professionals and our reputations are important to us. I don't think either of us is planning to have sex in the break room or anything like that."

He smirked, "Boy that's a colorful image"

"Oh, having sex in the break room? Yeah," she grinned. It was arousing. Sex on a park bench sounded even better. Yet, she was getting distracted.

"I don't mind being discrete but I'm not going to lie about our relationship. And I don't want to hide it, either. If someone asks if we're dating, I'm telling the truth. If we want to leave the building together, I'm going to your office to get you. I'm not going to wait around until no one else is nearby as if I was doing something wrong. Or meet you in some secret meeting place like the parking lot. We have nothing to hide. If Catherine or someone else is in your office, I'm coming in anyway. And we're going out of the building together. Can you handle that?"

More seriously, Grissom confessed, "I'm going to need your help with this Sara. I've never felt comfortable with this kind of stuff. I don't get people."

She chuckled affectionately, "You can handle it, and you've faced worse. We'll get teased some and then life will be normal again, you'll see. I think most people will be very happy for us. Besides, don't you think they've already noticed that our relationship has never been strictly professional?"

She grinned as she remembered one of Warrick's past comments to her.

You just don't other women in his life.

Feeling much better, her body was starting to shriek that it was time for them to get back to her apartment. "You want to go to my place?" she asked with some urgency.

He grinned shyly, knowing what she had in mind. "Yes."

Sara stood up but Grissom wasn't moving yet.

What now? I didn't think there was anything left to discuss.

She impatiently glanced towards him. Something just occurred to him; his expression had become more thoughtful so she sank back down.

He paused to clean his glasses then he tried to explain. "There's just one thing, which I know you don't want to talk about. And you don't have to. But considering what we're thinking about doing, I may need your help."

It was as if a bucket of ice-cold water had been poured over her head.

The rape. Why'd he have to remind me? Everything was going so well. That's right, I don't want to talk about it.

She felt herself become tense as her defensive mechanisms automatically kicked in.

Yet, it touched her that he was acknowledging that sex might present some challenges for her. Since the assault had occurred several years ago, she'd made love since then. However, it hadn't been very good. Waves of discomfort would hit her at odd times; she'd valiantly tried to ignore them. It didn't work very well. Hopefully things would be different with Gil since they loved each other

She wasn't sure what to say. "It's hard to explain, I don't fully understand it myself."

"Have you talked to your counselor about it?" he asked with concern.

"Not yet. She wants me to tell her about the whole event. Re-live it." She shuddered.

Somewhat sternly he asked, "Isn't that part of recovery?"

"I guess. But I don't want to do it."

She didn't want to think about the rape, more or less talk about it with another human being. Unfortunately, her counselor was becoming more and more insistent, encouraging her to share the details of the experience even before she returned to work next week.

Sara frowned as she thought about it, another one of her burdens to tackle. She sighed, she felt as if she was dealing with so many issues at once. Although she was thrilled with the way their relationship was blossoming, that she and Gil were opening up and growing closer to one another; progress with her other problems seemed so limited. She felt as if she were chipping away at an enormous rock with a butter knife.

As Grissom watched her emotions play across her face, he wondered how he could help her. An idea came to him, he wasn't sure if he was on the right track, but he decided to test it out.

"Would you like me to go with you? When you have to talk about it?" he offered tentatively.

Sara was touched by his offer. However, she wasn't sure if she wanted to accept it or not. Up to that point, she knew she'd eventually cave in to her counselor's demands to discuss the details of the rape. She had to do it for her own peace of mind. Yet, she wasn't sure if she wanted Grissom to know.

Although she knew she shouldn't feel ashamed, it wasn't her fault, she still felt as if there was something she could've done to avoid the situation. Talking about it would be excruciatingly painful and extremely difficult especially since she'd suppressed the memory for so many years. It would be yet another humiliating experience.

Still Grissom had recently seen her drunk and crying her eyes out. He'd seen her when she was down and he loved her anyway. What was it that he said tonight, 'I want to be strong for you". His love and support would be greatly needed and appreciated.

But would it be selfish of me to put him through such an experience?

"That would be wonderful to have you there. But it's not going to be pretty, you know that. I'd hate for you to have to go through that." Sara explained.

Grissom responded a little sharply, "Do you honestly think if I don't know the details that it won't bother me? That I can pretend it didn't happen? It already bothers me and to be honest, I don't know how I'll handle it when you do tell me. But I love you Sara, I need to know your nightmares so I can help you face them."

"Okay." She grinned weakly, feeling somewhat encouraged. "Better bring a spare shirt," she joked. Last time, she'd cried so much that his shirt was soaked.

"Just give me some advance warning so I can try to arrange my schedule." He chuckled to himself, as if he had much control over the hectic pace of his job.

Another thought occurred to him, "Sara, do you need to do this before we make love?" Not that he especially wanted to wait, but he wanted it to be right for both of them.

She considered his statement briefly.

Ok Sara, maybe you should try being honest about your feelings since denying them hasn't worked.

She gave it her best effort. "No. I think I just need to take it slow. And if I start feeling weird, I'll tell you and we can deal with it."

Feeling relieved and a little tired, she leaned her head against his shoulder as he put his arm around her. She closed her eyes; she could feel the rise and fall of his chest, which was comforting. Although he claimed he didn't wear any cologne, Grissom did have his own distinct fragrance, which she breathed in deeply. It was magnificent to be so close to him, she'd longed for this for ages it seemed. The two sat quietly, enjoying one another's presence.

Later, as they drove towards her apartment, Sara's spirits were improving. Even talking about the rape had been difficult, it triggered a lot of negative emotions. Yet, she was glad that Grissom was aware of her potential difficulties, and that he cared enough to ask. Cuddling with him on the park bench had soothed her, calmed her down.

In the park, as they'd sat together, Grissom had held her hand for a while. Then he'd become bolder, stroking her hair then tracing the outline of her check bone with his fingertips. When he'd started gently kissing her neck, working his way up to her lips, they'd both realized that it was time to return to Sara's apartment.

Although their serious discussion hadn't been the romantic evening that Sara had envisioned, it was a relief for her that she'd been able to address those issues with Grissom. It made a big difference for her peace of mind. She felt a tiny bit lighter, as if a portion of the crushing burden of her problems had been lifted. Perhaps this was part of what her counselor considered "working out her problems".

She massaged Grissom's out stretched palm with her thumb as their fingers intertwined. Throughout the evening, he seemed to need to touch her as much as possible, as if to reassure himself that she was still there or even to assert his territorial rights that she was finally his. She had no complaints because she was enjoying it as much as he was. She was looking forward to more.

As he stopped at a red light, she leaned over to whisper suggestively, "Have I told you that I love the beard? It's really sexy."

Strangely enough, his knuckles gripped the steering wheel tighter; he seemed tense

"You okay?" she checked.

With warm cheeks, he confessed, "Yeah, I'm just a little distracted. It's hard to concentrate on driving when you say things like that. I want to get us back in one piece."

They both laughed.

For the first time during the course of the evening, he seemed more nervous than her. "Sara, you realize that it's been a long time since I've done this."

She wasn't bothered in the least, "I'm sure you'll do just fine. Gil, I love you and just being with you, being close to you is amazing. No matter what happens between us, tonight will always be special because I'm with you."

He squeezed her hand, feeling reassured.

While Grissom valiantly attempted to focus his attention on his driving, Sara couldn't resist teasing him some more, especially after his obvious reaction. So she loosened her safety belt in order to lean over to playfully blow into his ear.

"Sara!"

End of part 2/3